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by Stephen T. McClard p

When you think of shame, what comes to your mind? How about guilt? Many people
associate shame and guilt as one emotion, but in reality they are very different. By
definition, guilt is the "I have done someting bad" emotion. By contrast, shame is the "I
am bad" emotion. As you continue reading, consider how your actions can impact guilt or
shame in a child. Ask yourself if there may be ways to change these emotions into
success for your students.

Shame is felt when others are aware of our incorrect intentions or actions and can often
lead to feelings of worthlessness. Guilt, on the other hand, is the emotion that is felt when
no one else knows about our intentions or actions. I clarify this because it makes a
noticeable difference to the person making the choice. The difference between success and
failure in dealing with our classroom management can depend on our perception of these
two emotions.

A high percentage of poor behavior in the classroom will elicit neither shame nor guilt. This
is because the individual taking the action may be unaware of the impact his/her actions
have on others, or they may simply lack the related values associated with their actions.
Dealing with poor behavior then boils down to the impact we have as educators when
revealing the poor behavior to the student.

Evoking a guilt response in the student is an inevitable result of negative feedback.

Avoiding this certainty will only allow the problem to fester. If we can first elicit a guilt
response indirectly, we create the best chance for success. Allowing the student the
autonomy to choose the correct path will be the most effective way to make first contact
with poor behavior. Evoking guilt in a student indirectly can be very powerful and may
allow the student to avoid shame. Guilt can lead to empathy if skillfully managed for the
success of the student.

When it becomes necessary for us to take a student aside or openly correct a repeated poor
behavior, the emotion can then become shame. When our corrections reveal shame in a
student, the reaction can differ depending on the personality of the student. In some cases,
we will have success and in other cases the student will choose to react poorly. The
defining factor in this will be determined by the approach we take.

Delivering negative feedback can be a dicey proposition. Our approach can make all the
difference and will determine our overall ability to build or kill rapport with our students.
Here are a few tips to take these emotions of the heart and turn them into success every
time:

Tips for Delivering Negative Feedback

1. 3  3   

The first step to success is to answer the main question: Why am I correcting this student?
If the answer to this question is anything other than allowing the student to become a
better person, then our motives are not true. If we are merely in a bad mood, wanting to
take revenge or looking for someone to use as an example, then correction will only
backfire. Revealing your contempt builds ground for the student to stand against you.
Remaining calm and assertive will allow you to build ground for the student to walk with
you.

2. 
 3

In his book, Verbal Judo, George Thompson says that it is important to eliminate bias in
communication at all costs. A calm and assertive attitude will be the key to overcoming the
natural gut reaction of the student. Keep your anger, harsh emotion and condescension out
of your approach to discipline. Within the tone of your voice and the words you use, you
can either turn off a student forever or create ground for him/her to walk with you. The
inner voice is normally grumpy, so ignore it. Learn to control it and make it obey with
positive intentions.

3.   
 

Praise builds rapport and gives you ground to stand with the student when negative
feedback is necessary. Praise often and be specific. Don¶t just say, "Good job, Tom." Be
specific and create a mental picture. Praise can be effective, but praise for what is expected
should be avoided. Instead, praise what is unexpected.

"Tom, I loved the way you played that solo. You showed so much emotion. It was hard to
believe you kept yourself so focused. I'm impressed. I can't wait to hear you again
tomorrow."

4. 
 
 
  

If you are going to add correction and praise together, do not praise first.

"I loved the way you played that solo Tom, but you need to stay away from B natural in this
key."
This is an ineffective way to praise and correct because your students will learn to anticipate
"but" as a negative at the end of all your praise. On the other hand, if you criticize first and
then praise, the praise is the focus of the argument and will assist you in building ground
with the student.

"Tom, I noticed that you used a B natural in the key of B flat. We can work on that, but I
was very impressed with your tone quality and mature sound. Great job!"

This "but" comes across much better. Your "but" should have as much impact as possible.
While you are laughing at that last sentence, remember this tip: Use humor often.

5.

 
 

Creating context with your students can be an amazing force multiplier. Simply asking or
telling a student to change a behavior is not nearly as powerful as asking with a picture.

"Tom, can you please refrain from blurting out (ask)? The class will run much more
efficiently if only one person speaks at a time (why). In addition, you avoid taking the
chance of getting in trouble (why not). You will have a much better chance of avoiding a
detention if you show me that you can be respectful (positive ending)."

Creating context will also involve answering the why for everything you say. Answer the
question, ³Why is this important to me?´

6. 

 
 

Using a metaphor to further build context for proper behavior is one of the most
entertaining and pleasant exercises a teacher can endeavor to accomplish. A metaphor
paints a mental picture that contains all the elements of a well thought-out lesson. Evoking
a previously learned metaphor can bring the lesson back to a student¶s mind in a matter of
seconds. The following is an example of a great metaphor that I use in my band classes:

I use a metaphor that I call the consistency principle. The consistency principle states that
all people want to be seen as consistent. I ask the students to mentally place themselves in
my position in the front of the room. I ask them to imagine what expectations they would
have if they were the teacher needing to teach the class. I then ask them to remain
consistent with these expectations. It is like a magic trick and gets them to empathize with
me. All I have to do is have them imagine what it would be like to be me. The fact that I
made them believe in being consistent sets up the expectation that they should. I can then
continue reminding them each day to be consistent.

Final Thoughts
All of these suggestions create a basic foundation for pushing students to create their own
high expectations and walk with us instead of against us. It is one thing for us to have high
expectations for our students, but when the students create their own high expectations, we
are likely to minimize the need for consequences all together. When we take this step, we
create the best possible environment for students to turn guilt and shame into success.
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