Running head: MY LIFE

My life: Past, Present, and Future.

Mark J. Henning, Jr.

PSY202

Professor Allan Mooney

January 31, 2011

MY LIFE 2

My life: Past, Present, and Future

I. My family

a. My parents

b. My siblings

c. My relationship with my family

II. My childhood

a. What I can remember

b. What I can't remember

c. Conflicting memories

III. Personal interests as a child

a. In school

b. Out of school

IV. Work history

a. Work experiences prior to military

b. Military work experience

c. Post military work experience

V. Current family relationships

a. Mother

b. Father

c. Siblings
MY LIFE 3

VI. My life changes

a. Finding my spirituality

b. Meeting my wife

d. Downward spiral and rebirth

c. Birth of my daughter

VII. Where I want to go

a. As a husband

b. As a father

c. As a person

d. As a member of society
MY LIFE 4

In this paper, I will discuss who I am today, and how I came to be the person I am. I will

write about important points in my life, both good and bad. I will also write about where I am

currently in my life, and where I hope to be in the future, both near and distant. My story proves

that it is not so much what you go through, but what you take out of what you go through.

I have a lot of siblings, though several I did not know until years into their lives. Most I have

met, one I have only talked to online, and one I only know of through stories. I have one brother,

one half brother, and five half sisters that I am aware of.

My mother and father met while they were in the Army. By this time, my father had already

had one daughter, whom I have never met. I was born shortly after they got married. There was

one miscarriage before I was born. My father was to be separated from the Army for being

untrainable, so he decided to smash his foot with a sledgehammer in order to be released for

medical reasons. The military saw it for what it was, and he was separated with a Dishonorable

Discharge. My mother was separated with an Honorable Discharge after my brother was born.

They both fell into drugs and alcohol before my brother was born, and my brother was born

premature and is mildly mentally retarded. My father and mother became very abusive to each

other and everyone around them. My father was mostly physically abusive, and my mother was

mostly emotionally abusive. My brother was born when I was about three, and my parents got

divorced. I recently was informed by my mother that, when I was eighteen months, I found their

stash of drugs and ate it. When I was in sixth grade, my mother found out that my father was

diagnosed with Lupus, and decided to give him another chance. They remarried, and were

together for about six months before she left him again. He was still an alcoholic, using drugs,

and abusive. He had not changed.

MY LIFE 5

I have an older sister that I have only ever heard of, the rest of my siblings are younger. Next

is my brother, who is mildly mentally retarded. My brother and I were always very close. There

was a lot of sibling rivalry, but I always stood up for him when he was harassed or made fun of,

which was often. When we moved back with my father, we also moved in with my half brother

and two of my half sisters. I do not know where my older half sister was at this time, as I have

never really been able to get much information about her. My half brother, David, was naive, but

we got along well. My half sister, Tesa, tried to be sneaky, but constantly got into trouble. My

other half sister, Kayte, was young. I believe she was three. Whenever any of them did

something wrong, I was the one blamed. Excuses flew constantly on why it was my fault.

Most of my childhood I had no father figure, only my mother. I lived with my father about 3

and a half years of my life. I was seen by my mother as an accident, and my brother was seen as

a miracle. When I was born, both my parents were using preventative measures, but my mother

still became pregnant. When she was pregnant with my brother, she was told neither of them

would survive. I was constantly told that the miscarriage came at the wrong time, that she

should have had an abortion, and that I would always be a failure and would never be wanted by

anyone. My mother, as I stated before, was mostly emotionally abusive, but she did get physical

occasionally. I was hit numerous times in the head with her wooden sandals. I remember being

constantly belittled and being told, no matter what I did, it was never good enough. In between

marriages to my father, my mother dated a man who molested me. He told me that was how

adults showed love. When I told my mother, she beat me and told me that I was trying to break

them up like I broke up her and my father. Even after he was arrested for molesting another

child, my mother never believed me. By the time I was 16, we lived in over 20 different homes.
MY LIFE 6

Due to this, I was never able to develop good social skills. I have attempted suicide 3 times that

I know of. The first that I remember was when I was in 6th grade, when I was living with both

parents. I attempted to jump off something high. As a result, I was taken in to talk with the

school counselor. I told her about what was going on in my home life, and she called my parents

and spoke with them. My parents told her that none of what I said was true, and the counselor

believed them over me.

There is much about my childhood that I do not remember, and only a small amount that I do.

I do not remember ever hearing any positive words from either of my parents. I don't remember

having many friends. There are huge gaps in my memory, I would say I remember less than 1%

of my past. Even currently, I have problems remember things that occurred just a few days

before, and sometimes the day before or even the same day. My counselor at the VA clinic said

that it is most likely a coping mechanism. This also fits with Freud's theory concerning the

unconscious mind, that it contains “memories that are unpleasant or so disturbing that they are

pushed out of consciousness” (Witt & Mossler, 2010, Chapter 2.2)

Memories are perceptions caused by electric signals in the brain and, just like TV, some are

fact, and some may be fiction. I have conflicting memories, where I have two or more detailed

memories of specific events. For example, I remember my mother giving me a knife and telling

me that killing myself would be doing the world a favor. I can recall colors, smells, and other

minute details. However, I also remember a metal sheet falling and slicing me in that same exact

spot. Regardless of which is the true memory, or if both are true, the scar on my wrist is in an

area that could have proven fatal. I also have detailed memories of arguments that never

occurred. The memories, true or false, made me who and what I am, for better or worse.
MY LIFE 7

As a child, I participated in many extracurricular activities, partly to gain positive attention

from my mother, and partly to escape my house. I was in our schools band, marching band, jazz

band, chorus, drama club, cross country team, and debate team. I tried out for baseball, but did

not make it. Band was the activity I did best in. I made Lackawanna All County Band 1994

through 1997, District Band 1996, and District Orchestra 1997. I was in high school plays and

musicals from 7th grade on up to my senior year. I also participated in several activities outside

of school. I was in Boy Scouts, and reached the rank of Life Scout and had numerous merit

badges. I was in Crystal Band, which was a local concert band that performed around the area. I

was one of the few in the band that was not an adult. I wrote stories, plays, and poetry. One of

my poems received honorable mention in a contest through school. Along with a few friends, we

also made home movies, between 15 to 45 minutes in length. For our first movies, we had a

basic plot and made up most of it on the spot. Eventually, we started doing plays I had written.

Looking back at my life, I can now see that I suffered from co-dependence, which is “a disease

of lost selfhood,” and is defined as “any suffering and/or dysfunction that is associated with or

results from focusing on the needs and behavior of other. Co-dependents become so focused

upon or preoccupied with important people in their lives that they neglect their True Self”

(Whitfield, 1987, pg 28).

I have held numerous jobs in my life, and have had a hard time of lasting more than 3 years

in any given job or position, whether because of moving, boredom, or my emotional problems.

My very first job was doing lawn care with a man across the street. It did not bring in much, but

my mother took it all. I did that until he died, about 2 years later. Then, at age 14, I started

working at a little corner store for $50 a week. Again, all of this money went to my mother. At
MY LIFE 8

age 16, I started working at Burger King. Not all of my money, but a good amount of it, went to

my mother. I worked at Burger King for about 3 years, until I left for the military.

The first branch of the military I enlisted in was the Marines. My mother had to sign a

waiver because I was 17 when I signed up. After the recruiter left, my mother stated I would

never make it. This caused me to work harder to prove her wrong. While in the Marines, I was

an Air Traffic Control Communications Technician. I got out of the Marines in 2000. The

Marines had breached my contract once prior, and they were about to breach it again, so I went

into the Army. While in the Army, I was a paralegal specialist. I was separated in 2003 for

emotional issues.

After the military, I went through a temp agency and had a few jobs here and there, but none

lasting long. Then, I applied to a retail company in the Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa. I worked

in retail, stocking the shelves and working registers, for Marshall Retail Group for about 2 years,

and then I transferred down to their warehouse. I worked in their warehouse for about 2 years

and then went to work in the warehouse for Borgata. I worked in the warehouse a few months,

and then went up to the customer service department as a hotel operator. After about a year, I

was promoted to customer service. After about 2 years, we were forced to move, so I returned to

Pennsylvania and got a job working for TMG Health. I worked in their customer service for

about a year and a half, and then transferred to provider support. I was there about a year and a

half before I was separated because I was involuntarily committed to a psych ward for about a

week. I have been unemployed since September.

MY LIFE 9

My current relationships with my family are a bit different than they were growing up. I tried

giving my father another chance, but he blew it. When he is around his new wife, he is a

completely different person than he is when she is not around. He is a racist and homophobic,

which does not mix well with me and my family. My relationship with my mother is a lot better

than it was, but still not perfect. She has been clean for years, and is happily remarried. My

brother and I are still very close, and I talk with my half siblings over the internet.

While in the Army, I did a lot of research and soul searching and realized my own spirituality.

I realized that no religion is 100% correct, but it is how the person practices their faith. I mix

Paganism and Buddhism, as I feel those two are the closest to my personal beliefs. I am very

nature based, and believe that the divine is in everything and everyone. I am also a very peaceful

person. I believe that violence only begets more violence.

I met my wife online through a mutual friend. To say it was an instant connection is an

understatement. A few months later, we met in person for the first time, and two days later I

proposed to her. We got married a few months later, the day after Christmas 2001, and have been

married ever since. Without her, I do not think I would be alive. Kelli and I decided to take the

next step and try for a child. When she finally became pregnant, I was worried that I would be

the same kind of parent that mine were, since that was all I knew. My daughter is my life. She

has some of the same issues I have, but we were able to catch them earlier than they were caught

in me, and she seems to be making progress. My daughter is the reason I went for help, if it were

not for her, I do not know where I would currently be. I am a good parent, though there was a

long time that I did not believe that I was. I used my childhood experiences to teach me how not

to be a parent.
MY LIFE 10

In September, I had a minor psychotic break due to my bipolar disorder, severe depression,

paranoia, and post traumatic stress disorder being untreated, and an increase in stress, where I

was having hallucinations and very negative thoughts, and my self mutilation got a lot worse.

Since being committed, I am a completely new person, I have been reborn. I am in counseling

and receiving medications that I feel are working very well. I have not done any self mutilation

since September, nor have I had any hallucinations. I do still have occasional problems with

depression, anxiety, and paranoia, but I know that those will always be there. I have learned to

control them better.

Before being committed, I was on the computer a lot. It was to a point where I was not

spending much time with my family. Since then, I am on the computer a lot less and do a lot

more activities with my family. I have become more helpful to my wife around the house and

have helped her with her anxiety and stress. I have grown a lot as a person. I hope to continue

all the progress I have made and continue making progress. I hope that I will be able to find a

job that I will be able to hold without boredom kicking in. I hope that I will be able to overcome

my paranoia to a point where I can hold a job without worrying about being let go due to

mistakes or due to my emotional history.

I hear many people say “everything happens for a reason.” I do not believe this is the case.

If it were, no one would be able to be held fully accountable for their actions, for they were

doing what they were destined to do. I believe that everything doesn't happen for a reason, but

that one must learn from everything that does happen and turn it into a positive.
MY LIFE 11

References

Witt, G.A., & Mossler, R. A. (2010). Adult Development and Life Assessment.

Whitfield, C. L (1987). Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult
Children of Dysfunction Families.