A Letter to my Love

A Letter to my Love
Dearest Love,
Once upon a time, you had asked me if I loved you. Not the love that
we have now, but the love of a lover if that even makes sense now. Can I answer
that question for you now? Well…the truth is I love you more then I even imagined
I had the power to. My love cannot be described, if I tried to write it I’d be st
uck writing for a life time. Yet I am ashamed of this love, for it cannot be.
We’ve gone through this 20 questions game, in which we swore to tell t
he truth. Yet, I gave the politically correct truth; I couldn’t give you what was
the truth in reality. It was on the tip on my tongue each time I had a chance to
answer, yet you still don’t know. Why can’t I tell you the truth? Is it because I
fear your response, or is it just I fear your rejection, and the loss of one of
my closest friends. I won’t ever know, because I can’t let true emotion seep throug
h, I rather leave then let that happen.
You and I have talked about the so called truth. I have talked about
a girl we both know, that I “love”. In your naivety, you failed to notice that eac
h one of her shining characteristics’ are none other than yours. The loving, tende
r, yet strong willed girl I speak of is none other than you. Each time we speak
and she comes up, you always say that you can see how much I love her, and that
our love is so pure. My heart claws at my mind, screaming endlessly for me to t
ell the truth, tell you that it’s you I love. You said to me, “hey to bad your hear
ts taken” even when it’s been taken by you. I should have told you the truth, becau
se I am afraid with this lie I have pushed you away. I am afraid I’ve lost you.
Now, I see you with hearts in your eyes. I see this love for another
, someone who shouldn’t have even been in the god damn fucking picture. Yet you lo
oked at me knowing you’d gain approval, and from my own lips I gave you that only
because I would rather suffer in quite then see a frown mare your face or god fo
rbid a tear down your cheeks. I let it happen, when I could have stopped this m
ental burning I could have stepped in and told you the truth. Yet, being the foo
l that I am I left it to the gods, and with their spiting powers I see that I ha
ve lost all chance. I stayed to tight lipped, to the point where I now have the
face the consequences of my own cowardice.
Each touch, every kiss, each loving words kills me inside. Each time
you say I love him more than the world; I feel that I have committed mental sep
puku. This love of yours, it shall always hold a part of your heart even when t
he relationship is done and disappeared from your mind. If I should ever hold y
our heart, then it shall only be a replacement for him, and I REFUSE to be a rep
lacement. I can’t and won’t be a place holder for your love.
From, what I have heard you had loved me once. I’m not sure if I want
to believe that to be true, only because I never saw it nor did I ever feel it.
Even seeing you almost every weekend, I could not have sensed it but I wonder w
hy you never told me. I wonder where you to afraid to tell me, or was I just too
stupid to notice it.
Can you tell by now, that the so called truth is far from what reali
ty truly is? This love, only grips my heart more and more every day. Yet I know
that, it won’t be. My heart wants it to be, but my brain wins with the rational th
inking of the repercussions of my actions. My heart claws at my chest wanting t
o break out and leave its useless carrier. I hold myself to another level of emo
tional control, even when my heart breaks with the thought of you and him. I sw
ore that this secret of mine would live only inside of me. This dark truth shall
only be revealed to god, when he judges me for my actions.
You have changed me, the way I act the way I deal with the people ar
ound me. Even a person who I haven’t spoken to in years has noticed this change. H
ow could one person do this to me? Yet it’s happened and I can’t even stop myself fr
om changing for you. The biggest change is how I used deal with my anger, I wen
t from letting it flow from my fist to it appearing on paper from the point of a
pen. Do you know why I stopped fighting? I stopped because you said you held y
our breath every time I got into that ring. I stopped because you were worried,
can you believe the power you hold over me?
Shall I ever tell you this? I hope one day I can and I can say that
I have achieved true love. That I fear, will not ever happen for as I write thi
s letter I can feel myself walk closer to the brink of insanity. The calm collec
ted and cool minded persona I have crafted for myself has started to crack. I ca
n see moments where I have broken; did I truly believe that the bottle of vodka
would drive you from my mind? No, but I committed a sin, something that I shall
never be able to attain for just because I was a fool.
Each time I see you, I check my pulse. I need to remind myself that
I am still alive and that one of gods’ angles has not come to take me to him. Your
beauty is outstanding, unquestionable that you are the most gorgeous person to
ever pass in front of my eyes. Yet this gift from god is a torture in itself, f
or it is not mine. You ask me the same question every time you see me “hey Shar h
ow do I look?” You know my answer; you’ve heard it so many times I swear it should b
e ingrained within your mind.
I could write volumes about your beauty, enough to fills the halls o
f the most expansive libraries. Not just your physical appearance, but the way y
ou hold yourself the levels of confidence. You can hear it from me a thousand t
imes, but till you don’t hear it from him you don’t believe it. WHY!? Do you feel th
at I’m lying to you? Or is it just that my word has no meaning for you anymore. I
feel that, I have done you wrong by letting myself fall in love.
Can’t you see the mental anguish I face every time I see you? Can you
see my heart slowly eroding away with this secret locked deep within it? Each ti
me I get a one armed hug with a “see you later brah” I scream in my mind, why can’t I
get a hug anymore. Each kiss he gives you, makes me see red my vision swims as
I…. god I can’t even say. I know that it could have been me, but because I was too
much of a coward I can only sit and watch. It only drives a rusty nail into my
heart, well whatever if left of my heart at least to think about what could have
been.
I would have thought that with this new found love of yours, I would have been a
passing memory. In a show of your never ending care for others, you still find
time to text me even if it is for a couple minutes. I feel that even with this
small sliver of your heart that I hold; I shall cherish it like one would gold.
Thank you for what you have given to me, honesty and true friend I am sorry I c
ouldn’t return the honesty to you. This love that I hold for you I truly hope fad
es from my heart, because when my child asks me “Daddy who was your first love” I do
n’t have to dig out a photo album. Only fools chase what they can’t have, and honest
ly I don’t want to be a fool anymore.
With all that I am, and al
l that I shall be,

Sharjeel
The Fool no more