↘↙THE SILENCE THAT HOLDS SECRETS: ↘↙

� WRITTEN BY� ·=»‡«=·ANTOINETTE BENNETT, HEIDI ROBINSON,

ADRIENNE MCNAY, MUSHIRAH BEYAH, ADRRIAN PABON, CANDIDA
FERNANDEZ, KHALILAH C. MOORE, SUNDOWN WEST, DANIELLE
FRIERSON, MELVIN S., VELTON N., REYNA DOWLING, RICHARD
IMCOMINGOFFTHIS BUS RAY·=»‡«=·

The Silence that holds Secrets..Keeps us sick and suffering with all
that unnecessary TOXIC NON-SENSE that can some�mes be most
frighening & deafening, yet it screams to be told, as our lives unfolds!
however, we toss and turn filled with anxiety awai�ng the
next horrible nightmare of our LIFE to begin!AND MORE IS REVEALED!
ӵ � 2D 55 Some�mes Love is not only BLIND..•·.·´¯'·.·•.it can be deaf,
dumb and stupid!•·.·´¯'·.·•

The last happiest moments that I can remember that Michael &
I shared was in mid July, 2010. He was at my house spending the
night. We had a roman�c evening watching the sailboats at sunset,
talking long in the night, giving each other massages and sweet good
night kisses. Everything was fine. We had big plans that weekend to
meet his siblings (finally a�er 8 months of da�ng!).
2 5 The very next day before our trip out of town, we planned to play
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hookey from work and spend �me on the beach. Only he never made
it to the beach with me...
ҿ At midnight that night, he stood over my bed shaking me, yelling at
me, hi�ng my face, telling me-'wake up, wake up right now! Wake up
immediately! You need to be awake when I ask you this! Is there
anything, anything at all you need to tell me? Wake up! You lil' piece
of crap! Tell me the truth.' I was so confused. I said 'No!...Tell you the
truth about what?' He yelled at me, 'you are a horrible, disgus�ng,
wicked liar, a whore or the vic�m of a very cruel joke and I am �red of
it.' Then he grabbed his bags and stormed out of my house. I was so
confused. I got out of bed walked outside and asked him what was
wrong. He yelled, 'cut the crap I'm �red of it.' I called him and asked
him what happened, if he wanted to talk. He said 'I don't ever want to
talk to you again you lil' slut. I don't want to see you anymore! At that
moment I had no words that could describe the overwhelming feelings
& the confusion going on in my mind. I thought should I pinch myself,
is this a horrible nightmare? who was this man I had just shared 8
months of my life with & what is going on in his mind? All of a sudden
I was startled by my phone ringing. When I answered the phone... The
chea�ng accusa�ons began right away. I couldn't take yelling
anymore. I hung up... He called 6 �mes during that night and I told
him I could not talk as I was entertaining my friends. He accused me of
chea�ng on him! Oh brother! I thought to myself.. that only made my
depression skyrocket. I felt so worthless, so hopeless, so useless. I felt
totally out of control. Yet the crazy insan�ty of it. I s�ll felt like he was
the only stable, good and pure, real thing in my life.
2 5 I remember the previous night when he told me that he believed
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God brought us together and that we were soul-mates and had a
spiritual connec�on that was real, that it was our des�ny to be
together. That we were very compa�ble, made for each other, and
would indeed get through the rough spots so long as we stayed open
with each then I began to think, "is he afraid, does he not want me to
meet his siblings"? I mean, everything was good between us and out
of the blue, we're here. I thought we were going to be honest and
open with one another. But I realized that my feelings were just that
feelings, and maybe I was thinking too much, maybe its' not
me...maybe he's the one chea�ng & being dishonest (I quickly brushed
those negatve thoughts away) I was so blinded by my love for Michael
that I never would have believed he was chea�ng on me! Even
though...now... he was so insecure! he ques�oned me from sunrise to
sunset .... made crazy accusa�ons...tried to place guilt & shame on
me... he thought I was being unfaithful and doing horrible things....
why is this? (my mind raced with so many thoughts)... perhaps, the
reason why the spurts of his jealousy came out is because he told me
awhile ago that his ex girlfriend had cheated! I had to take a deep
look at me...and figure out Why? did I con�nue to tolerate his
behavior? I recalled the night When we went dancing, he held me
close and... even closer any�me someone looked at me...crushing me
in his arms. Some�mes his grip almost seemed too �ght, but I told
myself it was just my imagina�on. When we sat dances out, he'd o�en
point to women on the floor and tell me he just knew they were
chea�ng. In fact, many �mes when we were out-even at Subway-he'd
look at someone and say-that woman is chea�ng. I can feel it. I asked
him why he thought so and his reasons seemed so strange. 'The way
she looks at her phone, the look in her eyes, the way she touches him,
etc.' Nothing really significant to me but I just agreed. A�er all, He
was the deeply so-called religious one and I was the one that grew up
in the dysfunc�onal family and he was 'educa�ng' me or so I thought!
2 5 Our rela�onship turned into a hopeless cycle of me trying to change
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myself and please him and then him complaining about something
that made me feel 'never quite good enough.' Conversa�ons were
filled with tension. I began to read so many rela�onship... books, did
the counseling, everything he said he needed to make the rela�onship
work, but there was always something else. I never knew when he
might snap! His accusa�ons would come out of nowhere and I felt
helpless as I tried to explain that I did not do the things he said I did.
He eventually said it would not bother him if I did those things, he just
wanted me to tell the truth and the fact I could not tell the truth made
me a sick ungodly person. I read so many books, ar�cles, etc. that I
could probably write a few myself. Why was I having such a hard �me
trying to determine what was happening in my rela�onship when the
answers were right before me.
ҿ Once again, I forgave him...We "made up" but his behavior became
more strange, our conversa�ons didn't make any sense
anymore...for example, I recall in May a�er he asked me to lunch, how
he cried and cried and cried, pu�ng on a big scene, telling me how
sorry he was and that he wanted forgiveness and he wanted me
back... He began to brainwash me more, telling me what I should
think about the world, my problems, us, God,and prac�ce my
spirituality, etc.... Now i'm thinking, "What a crock of -----!!! Who is
this person who has the ability to switch back and forth from Dr. Jeckle
to Mr. Hyde! I thought it was absurd, totally crazy! My strange
feelings were beginning to make sense. This guy I had allowed myself
to fall in love with was nuts, and maybe I was not nuts for not being
able to 'accept this crazy kind of love.' Maybe deep down, my soul
knew what was going on. I didn't realize he was abusing me only
because I thought abuse involved physical hi�ng.
ҿ I went to the beach that weekend with friends to get my mind off of
it. I start feeling symphathy for him once again, thinking to myself
maybe he is right. Ques�oning myself and asking myself.. Was he
really brainwashing me? Ummm perhaps, I do have to start thinking
about us and God. Well...I thought... I do have a rela�onship with
God, so I guess I need to focus on him and his problems, but wait... I
have come from a past abusive rela�onships that lasted off and on. It
was always great at the beginning, so I thought, but slowly I started
realizing that they all ended up being manipula�ng and decei�ul. I
had to ask myself why i let this man con�nue... to work my self-esteem
to the point I didn't even know who I was or what to beleive anymore.
I certainly didn't like myself at all by the �me he got done with me. He
would build me up then tear me down. Chew me up...then he would
spit me out! He would lie, he would mentally, verbally, spirituallyy and
physically abuse me. He was really good at lieing to the point where
he even beleived his own lies and he became a cheat whenever he got
the chance. OMG...whats a girl to do, momma said it will be days like
this. I had to let go of this crazy, sick rela�onship. The ques�on
was ,"HOW DO I LET GO, do I move away! OR DO i STAY! Wow what's
wrong with me? am I finding my iden�ty through men. am I I secretly
asking them to define me as a woman. Damn my Mom did the same
crap with her life.This man,who once was my partner, my source of
pleasure & the man I thought was gonna be my Godsend, became the
most vile, hideous, contemptuous creature that at first my blind love
and devo�on could not detect.He raped my mind, my soul and every
fiber of my being.I can now see the signposts as the reviews of the
events unfold in my mind. He loved me too quick, too hard. Yet it was
not me that he loved as he claimed. He loved only himself.The self that
felt omnipotent, crea�ve, lus�ul, ego�s�cal and proud.And yes for all
of these things he deserved to love himself.Yet li�le did I know of the
darkness that lay wai�ng in his soul.It crept out li�le by li�le at first.
Insidious, vague and dangerous... THAT'S IT! I promised myself...No
more, no more "PAIN"...so I got up brushed my hair, put on my
pre�est dress, my good smelling perfume and looked and looked in
the mirror and said..."Girl, Dam you're beau�ful ...he just f_____ up!
Then suddendly the phone rang.. guess who? (breaking my moment to
self)...yeah girl it was him...RELUCTANTLY I answered the phone... I
must end this abuse, this destruc�ve dance of egos! I told him "The
reason you could play me so well is because this was not a game I had
ever played and my heart was pure and simple.In the mean�me,
thanks for the brutal lessons. I will never be the same. A big piece of
me has died and yet a bigger piece of me is being born. My
consola�on is that I KNOW that I can love fully and deeply and that
even though I am somewhat broken at this point I will resurrect and I
will be even more willing to love.A love for myself that NO MAN will
ever try and claim as his possession, but a love that will a�ract one
willing to go the distance. Unlike you, you pathe�c coward!....He said
"You are going to come crawling back to me Babe" I slammed down
the phone and exhale!
2 5 Of course it is all in the light of retrospec�on that I can now see
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more clearly.At the �me, denial was s�ll my double-edged sword.
Denial that my beau�ful heart could be so mistreated by the one I
loved so deeply. I prayed and hoped a...nd wished for him to see, To
really see that all of his posturing and accusing and fears were all an
illusion made up by his own mind, in an a�empt to not have to face
his real enemy. Himself! So what does he do instead of looking love in
the face and seeing the truth? He finds himself another vic�m! And
woe is he. His demons are following right along with him and this �me
he will not have had any �me to lay them to rest. He thinks that this
Band-Aid kind of healing on his gaping open wounds is going to fix the
mess he created within (ME). What a fool! Li�le did I know his
madness would not seize...He would refuse to let me go....IT BECAME
A VICIOUS CYYCLE OF LETTING GO AND TAKING HIM BACK! AND
GETTING THE SAME RESULTS! it was so painful! I couldn't stay around
for more pain. If I didn't leave now and step out on faith, then i would
only create a bigger monster to deal with. I knew I couldn't do it
alone,so I called my friends to help me get through this unfamiliar
place.
2 5 Although he showed his @ss and con�nually told me how I would
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never find anyone to love me the way he did, I kept it moving....at
first... Crying , kicking and screaming help me down the path to
freedom.
ҿ In the Spring, I moved into a new place alone. I loved my new place,
my job and my friends but I felt like my life was falling apart and I just
could not understand why. I felt so out of control. I felt like I was going
crazy. I became very depressed, began to have nightmares of things
that happened nightmares of him...I just could not shake this feeling
of impending doom! Just the thought of being doomed kept me locked
into a castle of insa�able pain. My mind became a mul�plex of
uncontrolled emo�ons, which has developed into days and nights of
insomniated misery. What do I do? How do I get out? I needed the
ul�mate presence of divinity. At the �me, I will admit that I played
right into his hand. I was so blinded by my need for his approval
that the scent of his lost affec�on had sent me into a spiral of my own
fear.
25
BA I took Michael back once again...Once I picked him up...I couldn't
put him down... I became his contemptuous slave. He began to
mistreat me with his words and ac�ons. He accused me over and over
and over of being unfaithful. He would leave me for days and not
respond to my pleas for understanding. He excited my warrior nature,
which caused me to engage in his self-inflicted ba�le in order to hide
my own vulnerabili�es. He sliced me through and through un�l I lay
bleeding inside my heart and defenseless. I assumed the posi�on of
constantly needing to defend my honor, my character, my loyalty,
thoughts, words, ac�ons, everything about me was suspect and even
though I was the one who withdrew MY love and affec�on. I believed
I was not beau�ful enough, sexy enough smart enough, or humble
enough, tall enough experienced enough, never enough of anything. I
died inside, now I didn't know how to get my spirit back.... I had been
robbed of my faith, courage, and hope, but I prayed for the strength to
reverse, so that i would be brought back to life. The pain was stomach
wrenching but I Could not release myself of the stronghold he had
over me, I was in the grip! Felt like I was addicted to a drugs
(crack)...except he was the CRACK! I knew he would be the first thing
on my mind when I awoke and the last thing on my mind before I went
to sleep. I thought this would never end. I had never experienced pain
like this before, however, I would lay balled up in a fetal posi�on for
day! When would I become more important to myself then he was.. I
was allowing myself to be dragged! The pain started to hit me on all 3
levels. Thew conscious, sub-conscious, and the conscience. It hurted
the most in the sub-conscience level. This 400 pound monster of pain is
unbearable. Even though my family was dysfunc�onable..I had been
raised in the church.. I trusted that God would see me through it.
ҿ through pain I learned TO LOVE ME FIRST AND NEVER GIVE A
PRESON THAT MUCH POWER OVER ME AGAIN... Pain is a great
teacher! It is the best teacher of them all! I had to try toremember I
made the monster in mind... the monster is my thinking which can
make the smallest thing more than what it really is... now that I can
see the whole thing from a different aspect instead of a stained
broken mirror,I put myself through some real un-nessasary drama. I
used to be the house that I hated to visit, but now I am the home that
I love, with all of it's good content! I would o�en ask myself, Why is it
that a female's ability to so easily love uncondi�onally is o�en seen as
her weakness, her power does not, and has never had roots in pain, in
anger. She who loves a man who refuses to see her beauty is seen as
stupid, she who can see the good in a man when there is none is slow.
She, who puts up with his abuse, taking care of him, loving him, even
though he will never be able to appreciate it, is seen as weak. Truly,
she is a vic�m not only of his words, of his assaults, but of the society
that looks down upon her for her love. She is no idiot, she is not weak,
she will adapt, learn to survive under the condi�ons that she feels are
hers.The saddest part about abuse, is not that women do not feel they
can leave, it is the fact every vic�m must build a wall of protec�on;
refuse to uncondi�onally love those around her for the protec�on of
herself. Now if we, as a people, truly wanted to be free of this pain, of
this vic�miza�on, we would not look down on the gi� that woman
has been given. We would not try to make her feel weak for believing
the lines she is fed, for loving without thinking and analyzing the
situa�on first. We would protect that ability to love, we would
ostracize those who do not, most of all we would see that love as a
beau�ful power stronger than any other force in this universe. I'm so
hot. I realized it was his lost. I'm so great that I con�nue to love him as
I love myself and realize that I am Powerful...Yes... Powerful beyound
measure! I con�nued to pray an ask god for his will to be done, for I
know pain, misery, and suffering is not the God I serve will for me.
God is a great god and I praises him in my spirit as I live a life of
substance with integrity, peace,and dignity.
2 5 Honey Hush... some�mes I look at myself on my good days and I an
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see my soul glow. The sunshine's so bright when I look at myself in the
mirror that I smile I& see today separates the mountains from the sea!
ҿ Yeah...all that sounds good and I thought I would see the last of him
a�er all my life lessons and healing my life would move on as it
should.
2 5 i decided to go out dancing with some friends one warm summer
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evening. then in the warm breeze i got a wiff of a familiar smell. i
followed it like a faithful dog to it's... owner. what was this smell...it
smelled familiar? then i heard a faint giggle and the sounds of kissing.
i turned the corner only to find the owner of that scent was MICHEAL.
he was enbracing another MAN wearing leather chaps with bu�
cheeks hanging out. What!!!! all this �me Michael was GAY! that
explained alot. he wasnt allowing himself to be who he was so why
would he let anybody else be who they were. i kicked a can to make
sure i didn't disturb then french kissing. i wanted him to see me see
him. 'i said those leather chaps make your ass look fat.' i could'nt
resist saying that. I fumbling with my keys, I unlocked my apartment
door, before I could catch my bearings, squin�ng my eyes to focus in
the darkness...I felt someone grab me...I knew it was Michael... He
pushed me into the bedroom. He cornered me... ...He was standing in
front of the door and holding me away from it. I was trying to get
out... I was so scared. He had me by the neck at this point and shoved
me away from the door. He was trying to shut the door and lock the
deadbolt. He shoved me one more �me but this �me with more
force...I freaked out.I was so distraught that I was hyperven�la�ng
and couldn't breathe. I remember collapsing onto the ma�ress under
the window and screaming into my pillow... he then turned the music
up so loud so that the neighbors wouldn't hear my cries....I cried
loudly and loudly "Stop, Stop I don't want to die why, why are you
doing this ....don't you know I have LOVE for you No Ma�er What
whether we are t...ogether or not You are like me and I am like you we
suffer from the same disease. Hur�ng one another is not going to ease
the pain Michael.....we must yes we must do something different...
(shou�ng to him). He li�ed me up and looked me into my eyes (a stare
that was crying for help) and saidi can't stop. then i had to kick his ass.
all my kickboxing wasn't a waste. i warned him and pleaded and gave
him a chance. but he crossed the line. so i got all bruce lee on his ass.
We were going at it hard and every �me I looked him into his eyes I
saw fear and disbelief. he was down on the floor and my knee was in
his neck and thumps were on his eyes. He started yelling out my name
in a voice that pierced my ears. Then I just prayed God, please help
me!!! I can't do this alone. I just can't do this alone.... This is just too
weird, The man I was going through all this heartache with is BI-
SEXUAL...he had been chrea�ng on me all along with anothe MAN! I
smoked a ton of cigare�es that same night. Michael wanted sex, and
I gave in.... All the while i was thinking how could he have been so
cruel to me then be in the mood to have SEX!
2 5 The next day he acted as if nothing had happend... Michael wanted
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to have SEX...I gave in YEAH...I DID...THIS INSANITY...WAS TURNING
ON THE SICK SIDE OF ME! AFTER ALL THAT HAPPENED...My sick
thinking & low self esteem kicked in and I started thinking maybe I
had overreacted and it wasn't that bad...I fell into a deep troubled
sleep
ҿ The next day when I awoke...Michael was gone! I started feeling real
sorry for myself. I sat on my pity pot... thinking how could he do this to
me? This was the worst two days of my life!...I was on the couch with
the TV on...Crying my eyes out. I called his phone..He wouldn't answer
my texts or calls.I was so hurt but s�ll wanted him to come and say he
was sorry and it would never happen again. I was crying so hard right
up un�l the moment I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning pre�y
early. With a huge headache. He was s�ll not there nor did he return
any of my calls. I decided that I would get out of the house a�er
moping around for a while and calling his phone, which was s�ll off. I
went to do laundry of all things. I was gone only about an hour and a
half. When I arrived home he was there... WASTED!!! I was shocked. I
brought the laundry in and put it in the bedroom. He was si�ng on
the couch watching TV smoking a cigare�e. He did not look at me. I
walked over to the chair and sat down. I immediately started crying.
He got all defensive and started calling me a baby. When I asked him
where he was he ignored me and acted as if he had done nothing
wrong. I remember trying not to cry because I didn't want to upset
him or make him angry.He wouldn't even look at me. He just went on
watching TV as if nothing happened. As if I wasn't there....
ҿ THERE I GO AGAIN on ANOTHER ROLLER COASTER ride that I CAN'T
get back off...GETTING THE SAME RESULTS! I see now that it was in
these moments that I compromised my posi�on. I so desperately
wanted his approval and affec�on and made some kind of deal with
myself, although unconsciously, to not challenge him beyond his
ability to accept defeat. I believe it is also at this �me that he picked
up on this opportunity and his black heart hooked into this weakness
of mine. Knowing now that he could defeat me, Yet Michael did not
recognize this as a calling from his soul, a lovers path to
transforma�on. He only felt this disquie�ng urge as an unbearable
pain to be tamped down as to not expose his abundance of nasty
karma. Karma gathered throughout his life as a predator of woman &
men! ... So instead of looking within himself he did what every fear
based player does. He turned with a vengeance against what he
perceived to be the cause of his pain. Me & OTHERS! In his mis-placed
zeal to prove the he was the one to exact wonton and gross harm on
the person disrupted his managerie of lies about who really is, he
connected with a lost love twenty something years from his past. the
he has is paved with the lives of unrepent sinners and whore mongers
may god have mercy on his soul....

°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°'°º¤ø,¸ MORE WILL BE REVEALED!!!!°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°'°º¤ø,¸