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T h e D a i ly F r e u d i a n

Explaining why you’re a sexual deviant since 1914

Freud, Father of Psychoanalysis, Dies at 83

passed peacefully on one of his therapeutic couches.
Reports say he was psychoanalyzing his death up until his
last minute.

“He seemed to believe that his Jaw Cancer was a result

of his abnormal development of his psyche during his oral
stage, and he kept tracing the root of the disease to a
physical manifestation of being prematurely weaned as a
child. It was quite fascinating, but it made me quite
parched” reports an unnamed observer. In this issue:

Sigmund Schlomo Freud died as the father of

psychoanalysis, but his theories had countless detractors. Freud’s Death 1
He received two Nobel Prize nominations for his works
on the human brain, one for literature and another for
medicine, but he failed on both accounts after a letter
from Albert Einstein, a physicist, disapproving of his How Do We 1,2
nomination (Bloom). Remember Freud?

“Before he died, his last words seemed to mention

‘psychoanalyzing that damned Einstein in hell for his failed
Top 10 2
anal development” claimed another close friend.
Freud is survived by his wife Martha and his funeral will
be the next Thursday, prospecting visitors are advised to Ask a Freudian 2
search for the funeral without a gravestone or a podium.
Freud Sigmund (1856-1939)
“His last wishes were to hold a funeral without phallic
Our beloved Sigmund Freud died yesterday at the
objects. He didn’t want to be remembered as just
healthy age of 83 in his house located in London (Freud,
another man with penis envy ” remarked Martha.
Access) . Doctors say it was a quiet event, and Freud

H OW D O W E R E M E M B E R F R E U D ?
Last Night, Freud ended his long theoretician?
and prolific life peacefully as he
In my opinion, he is both yet
died at the respectable age of 83.
neither of the two sides. While
But this week’s column isn’t
he was the father of both the When in Doubt, it’s
about how Freud died, but rather,
modern theory of the probably Phallic
how we should remember Freud.
unconscious as well as
Do we remember him as a great
psychoanalysis as a whole,
Column written by Professor innovator of psychology and the
David. L Brooks. inventor of the unconscious or
overly ambitious, pedantic Commentary Continues on Page 2
Top 10 Reasons Why You’re
Actually Sexually Confused
HOW DO WE … (Cont. from 1 )
Top Ten Reasons Why You’re Actually Sexually Confused
… and we should fully commend him for these fine
achievements, we have to put his accomplishments into
10. Your mother didn’t love you enough perspective. His theory of erogenous zone development
9. Your id and your ego are sexually attracted to each other (oral, anal, phallic, genital) is at best speculation. It fails to
8. Your super-ego disapproves account for uncommon family structures, such as children
7. Your mother loved you TOO MUCH without a father, mother, or even both. While his id, ego,
6. Society’s phallic insertion of finger into ring has made your superego of the mind is beautiful in its simplicity, we have
super-ego deathly afraid of sex before marriage. to remember his obsession with everything sexual and

5. “Mary had a Little Lamb” has given you the impression that how that limited the true scope of his work (“Freud”,
you can control society’s sheep with your “Sheppard’s
staff” 50 years from now, he will still be regarded as one of the
4. Baseball’s repeated contact between ball and bat has made most influential psychological scholars to ever exist, but
you homophobic. hopefully, we as a society will begin to take some of his
3. The reason you can’t eat ice cream is because your mother lesser theories with a grain of salt by then. Only by actu-
weaned you much too late. ally discriminating between his scientifically developed
2. Your lack of a penis has made you hate your parents for theories versus his whims of his mind will we truly be able
taking it away from you to understand his deserved impact on the world.
1. Society’s idea of getting 100 percent in school has made you
believe a two round circles and a single long line is the
only way to succeed in life.

Tip: When confronting your Oedipal issues, try to realize your dad went through the same thing.

Dear Mr. Frued,

Ask a Freudian
I’m a English teacher in high school and I’m trying
to juggle both writing graduate school term was improperly executed. The reason you
paper and handling their schoolwork as well. I’m are “anal” is because in the past, you were
feel like I’m a messy person and I can’t seem to unable to properly let go of your feces and
get everything in my life as organized as I want it currently you face the same dilemma. You are
to be, and I’m afraid it’s going to affect my probably very organized in real life and not
teaching. What should I do? “messy” as you say you are. You need to let
go of the “anal” part of your childhood by
Danforth B.
finishing what your mother started. Now I am
__________________________ by no means suggesting that are incontinent,
but now, every time you visit the lavatory,
Dear Danforth:
think to yourself the progress that you made
The reason why you returned to school in order since the “anal stage” and realize that you are
to spend the rest of your working life is your physically and consciously a grown, developed inability to let go of the past, as well as to let go man. You need to tell your unconscious to
of certain material possessions. The reason for back off and verbally say “I am a grown man, I
this is probably because in your early childhood, am past my anal development!”.
Signature from http://
your mother failed to properly toilet train you, Best wishes,
and thus, the “anal” stage of your development Jim Frued

Jim Frued has formally met Dr. Freud and has studied at Pathway Township HS for 3 years. He holds an informal B.A. in psychotolology as well as telecommunications.