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Chetan Hebbale


3rd Period

March 8th, 2011

Rainbow of SATAN

Tuscaloosa, Alabama -- Sundays at Prairie Church are packed as usual as Rev. Phillips

wields a fiery speech about gay marriage. "It destroys the sanctity of marriage!” he cried.

"Nothing is more cherished than a holy marriage between a man and a woman." The crowd

roared and leapt to their feet.

Among those passionate church goers was Davey Knowles, a prominent local lawyer. When

asked about how he felt about the hot button issue he replied, “Gays and Obama are the two

things that’ll ruin this country and what our Founding Fathers believed in. Marriage should be a

sacred union between a man and woman – it’s as simple as that. Marriage is a special thing, it’s

the glue that ties together the family unit and provides love and support. Gays can’t offer that

kind of upbringing since they don’t love each other – all they care about is partying, getting

drunk and having sex. I’ve never been to a gay bachelor party, or if they even have those, but

imagine how outrageous and demonic those events must be, compared to the wholesome fun real

men enjoy before they tie the knot.” Unfortunately, Knowles was unable to comment on how the

Bible reinforced these ideals due to falling behind on piles of divorce contracts and pre-nuptial

legal work.

While attendees continued to pour out into sidewalks, Billy Joe gave us some insight on

today’s seminar. “It’s right there in the Bible”, he said, “Jesus, our Lord and Savior, said it

himself that gay marriage is against Christianity and is not allowed. Heaven forbid that anyone in
America disobey any command from Him, like always being honest or helping the poor, or

doubt any truth in the words of the Bible. Everything thing in that book is fact – from Genesis to

the Revelations.” While many shared the same justifications for condemning this heinous form

of marriage, Johnny Coons expressed a different extension of outrage. “They choose to be

homosexuals!” He shouted. “No one’s born wanting to love one of their own genders – no

genetic watchamacallits can prove it. It’s not like your eyes or your hair type, you don’t choose

those things, those come naturally. But being gay – no – that’s something you choose on your

own, like picking off a menu at Micky D’s.” Many nodded in agreement around him. Annie

Mayfield took Johnny’s comment one step further claiming that being around homosexual

couples were a threat to heterosexual marriages. Several young men around her agreed, “I lived

in California for a year with my wife,” Joe Harper said, “and we was surrounded by homosexuals

the whole time. And those gays that resided there somehow managed to earn a living, participate

in the community, do the dishes, fix the sink and whip up such a delicious meal every night that

the aroma still haunts me. My wife would yell at me every day, comparing me to those devil-

worshipping gays. It’s because they decided to break the word of God and destroy the sanctity of

marriage that my wife and I ended up getting a divorce a few weeks later.”

All in all, anti-gay resentment runs strong here, and rightly so. If homosexuals were legally

allowed to be joined in union, the Lord only knows how badly the institution of marriage would

be shattered and rendered meaningless.