David Yates

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows script 1

Scene 37: Forest

Setup: Daniel, Rupert, and Emma all sitting around campfire discussing what to do next, dusk sets
in, head for tent.

Ron: It’s getting a bit cold, isn’t it?

Harry: Yes, Ron. Shutup.

Ron: Bother.

Hermione: Stop it, the both of you! You’ll probably get us killed, or worse, expelled!

Harry: Hermione, we’re not in school anymore.

Hermione: (begins to cry) But I miss school, Harry! I miss the horribly mean teachers and the suckish food
and the stress of taking all of the hardest classes when I’m so young and unprepared for them!

Ron: I miss bothering Snape. Remember that one time when we pushed him up against the wall and—

Harry: Shutup Ron! I’m going to read from Snape’s diary again.

Ron: (moves in to hug Harry) I’m sorry, your greatness.

Harry: Ew, get off, Ron! Lose some weight before you try to hug me again, fatty!
(begins to read) “Dear Diary,

Today, I had a bowl of oatmeal. It was watery and tasteless. I was reminded of
my mother.

Snape”

Hermione: Well that was odd!

Harry: I’m so awesome.

Suddenly, there is a loud crack followed shortly by a puff of blue smoke, which Professor
Dumbledore walks out of.

Dumbledore: Oh look, I’ve stumbled upon three students of mine who seem to be skipping school in order
to save the whole world from the Dark Lord! Let’s see what they’ve got in their pockets!

Harry: Oh Lord, not again Professor?

Dumbledore: Yes.

All three quickly empty their pockets, at which point Dumbledore hastily pockets their cash and
belches quite loudly.

Harry: Professor Dumbledore, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?

Hermione: Yes, Professor! Are we in trouble for skipping school? See Ron, I told you we’d get expelled!
(begins crying again)

84
David Yates

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows script 1

Dumbledore: No, you kids are not in trouble for skipping school! Since you don’t even attend Hogwarts
anymore, I don’t really have any jurisdiction over you… (stops and thinks for a second) …actually, you’re
expelled, Miss Granger.

Hermione bursts into tears and runs off into the forest crying.

Ron: Professor, did you really mean that or did you just want to see what she’d do?

Dumbledore: Um…I just wanted to see what she’d do.

Ron: (Under his breath but loud enough so everyone can hear) Bugger.

Harry: (laughing hysterically) Brilliant, Professor! You made my day!

Dumbledore: So Harry, to answer your question, I have no reason for coming here. Honestly, I wasn’t even
looking for you. I just sort of tripped and fell down the stairs at Hogwarts, whenceupon I pulled out my
wand and disappeared and reappeared here. Then I walked around for a little while and found you! Well, I
best be off now. Cherio!

Another loud crack ensues and Dumbledore disappears in another plume of blue smoke.

Hermione returns.

Harry: Where were you, Hermione?

Hermione: (sourly) I was in the forest?

Harry: Why?

Hermione: I don’t have to tell you why, Harry! I am an independent person!

Ron: Bloody hell Harry, she’s gone mad!

Harry: I’m so awesome.

Hermione: Ugh! (storms off into tent)

Harry: It’s getting a bit cold, isn’t it?

Ron: Hey! When I said that you told me to shutup!

Harry: I wish you would’ve! Let’s go inside.

Ron: Fine.

Night falls, and the trio have a light in their tent. We see a silhouette of them talking.

Harry: …so there I was, surrounded by a thousand-million-gazillion-jillion Death Eaters, and Lord
Voldemort (Ron & Hermione cringe) himself was staring me right in the eyes. So he was like, “I wanted to
kill you fourteen years ago, but your mother’s love was too strong—“ and I was like, “Shutup, you filthy
hag! Do your worst!” Oh, yeah, and I forgot to mention that there was like a trillion Death Eaters all

85
David Yates

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows script 1

holding me back so I couldn’t fight him, and they’d taken my wand and my glasses, so I was pretty
defenseless. So anyway, they’re holding me, and I’m like, “Do your worst, Voldemort!” and he’s all like,
“I’m not done with my story yet!” and I was like, “I don’t care about your story, you great ugly oaf!” and
he was like, “Fine!” then he pointed his wand at me and he was all like, “Avada Kedavra!” and then I felt
this searing pain in my scar and I was all like, “Cedric! Don’t die!” and I was actually pretty scared…well,
actually, not really, I’m too awesome, but anyway yeah so the curse reflected off of me again cuz I’m so
awesome and then it went and killed a gzaillion Death Eaters, so yeah, I prettymuch singlehandedly killed a
gazillion Death Eaters.

Hermione: Wow Harry! That’s so cool!

Harry: Shutup! I’m not done with my story! Ok, so anyway, I prettymuch killed all those Death Eaters with
my bare hands. So yeah.

Ron: Wow Harry! That’s so cool!

Harry: Thanks Ron.

Ron: You’re welcome Harry! OMG Harry I have an idea!

Harry: What is it, Ron?

Ron: Ok, we should read suggestively titled novels about teenage vampire romances with human girls! Oh I
just LOVE Stephanie Myer’s writing, Harry!

Harry: OMG Ron you’re so gay! Go sit in the corner for like a bajillion minutes and think about what
you’ve done, you dunce!

Ron: (hangs head in shame) OK, Harry.

Hermione: I have a huge crush on Edward!

Ron: OMG me too!

Harry: SHUTUP!

Suddenly, there is a moment of awkward silence in the tent as Ron mulls over his homosexual
tendencies and Hermione learns to control her lust for unreal teenage vampires who most likely have
AIDS. As this silence continues, the three continue to be silent and the silence becomes even more silent. As
this creepily and eerily silent silence continues to grow silent-er and silent-er, more silent, if you will, the
three become gradually less talkative until there is complete silence. As the silent silence rolls on, the three
comrades suddenly hear twigs breaking in a manner which suggests the approaching motion of a warm-
blooded organism which lives and breathes in a temperate British climate.

Harry: What the &*#@ #$*%& @#& &$*@ #$& @#*$& $&%#*&$@ was that?!?!?

Hermione and Ron: (in unison) TAYLOR LAUTNER!!!!!

Harry: Shut up! You two, go sit in the corner. I’m going outside to investigate this sound.

Harry utters the Lumos spell, and the tip of his wand lights up

----------------------------------------------CUT TO HOGWARTS SCENE--------------------------------------------

86
David Yates

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows script 1

The camera runs along the hills and through a field and ends up to Hogwarts Castle, where it
goes around the back and ends up with a view of Slytherin Tower. It is raining, and the camera slowly
shoots up the side of the tower and stops at a stained glass window. Rain is slowly rolling down the
window, and through it we see Draco Malfoy looking dolefully up at the cloudy sky, with a book sitting
open in his lap. His head is cocked sharply to the right, and he is giving a sort of pained expression,
utturing the phrase, “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.”

Harry: OMG YOU GUYS IT’S NICK JONAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: Oh, I love his music!

Ron: Oh, I love his hair!

Harry: I can not believe you guys! Everyone knows that Miley Cyrus is the only teenager who makes music
worth listening to! (starts singing horribly) “Yeahhhhhh, it’s a Party in the USA!”

Ron: That’s stupid!

Harry: Shutup Ron!

End Scene

87