Surgery; Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The fir st said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up an d everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open the m up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everyth ing inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless , gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a f ew parts left over at the end..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REAL ENGINEERS... Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthda y. Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're la zy. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt s ize. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and a utomatic transmissions. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degr ees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day" Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial ton e or busy signal. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note i s attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car". Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name o n it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before mak ing a bird bath. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Ph ysics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall i t is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measur e and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they c an possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're d oing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get an ywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he fo

und there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you hav e a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the ot her woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A Boy and His Frog" A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent ov er, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and sai d, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and ret urned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me bac k into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy t ook the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the fro g asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The b oy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talkin g frog is cool." ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They we re to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipate d pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other pe ople's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its m assive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge decla red that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked hi s equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully l opped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs a n excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was y anked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovatio ns and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES again Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. Th ey ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The pri est says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding d own and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as d ivine intervention and release the priest. Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillot ine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well. The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the bla de of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: -Hey, I see what your pro blem is.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in th e wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We ju st hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech. 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule th e customer is happy to get it delivered. 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit. 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. 13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull! 14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely. 15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design. 16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift! 17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED. 18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked. 19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off. 20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ENGINEER SONG (Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillibillies) Come and listen to a story bout a man name Jed, A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer", Unix that is . . . CRT's . . . Workstations; Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer, The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here", They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee, Intel that is . . . dry heat . . . no amusement parks; On his first day at work they stuck him in cube, Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube, They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do, Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!" OT that is . . . unpaid . . . Mandatory The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad, Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad, They called another meeting and decided on a fix, The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six", Tired that is . . . stressed out . . . no social life Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray, Jed worked hard while his life slipped away, Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four, Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,

Laid-off that is . . . Debreifed . . . Unemployed . . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS How do you hunt elephants? MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that i s not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematici ans will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before p roceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will pr ove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection a nd capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately eas t and west. 4. During each traverse pass: a) catch each animal seen b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant c) Stop when a match is detected. Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programm ers prefer to execute Algorithm on their hands and knees. ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, an d stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any pr eviously observed elephant. ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid eno ugh, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times, and call it an elephant. CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, bu t they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Resear ch Consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identif y the elephants. POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch wi th the people who voted for them. LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt eleph ants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president gets to see them. If the vic e president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will : 1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight, 2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that e lephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the othe r hunters made when they were packing the jeep. SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they hav en't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardwa re salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as "Desktop Elephan ts" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The The The The

graduate graduate graduate graduate

with with with with

a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER... If you refer to your spouse as "\woman at home.wife," If your favorite TV show is "Mr. Wizard" instead of "Baywatch," If when your family is expecting, you are more interested in the ultra-sound equ ipment than the test results, If when someone asks "What's new?" you answer "C over lambda," If you know Bill Gates' e-mail address, and don't remember your own, If you are always asking your friends from marketing to hold two leads to a gian t capacitor, If you find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert, If your pocket is full of too many mechanical pencils, If when your 3-year old asks "Why is the sky blue?" you start explaining it to t hem, If you can explain which direction the water spins as you flush the toilet and w hy, If you go to the air show, and you start calculating how fast the sky divers are falling, you may be an engineer; if you start telling all the people around you , you definitely are. If you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for lunch, If you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart, If you pre-plan your route on a map of the exhibits through the annual computer show at Moscone Center, If you read PC World and Popular Mechanics while on vacation, If you are willing to debate for two hours the possible results of an experiment that takes five minutes to run, If you know the altitudes at which you must turn off electronic devices on an ai rplane, and why, If on a camping trip, your spouse starts complaining about bug "bites" and you r espond that "Yes, we do need more memory in our computer," If Dilbert is your hero If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX2-50 If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coa ts and taping ducts If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the bu rnt-out bulb in the string If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest Sci-Fi movi e looking for technical inaccuracies If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actua lly takes five minutes to run If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and y

our camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the r adio in your work area for better reception If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you have never backed-up your hard drive If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but ar e afraid to say it out loud If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" If you see a good design and still have to change it If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns b read into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery Channel and have se en most of the shows already If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands f or If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magn ifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was n ormal If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driv er to use If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music=7F If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the Mission Controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enou gh sleep If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmos pheric absorption theory If your lap-top computer costs more than your car

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first ti me. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went dow n almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. Ther e was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was de sperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four m onths he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a sh ip? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the mo st gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island wh en my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the w oman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a v ery unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a cer tain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she sai d. Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her pl ace. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted i n blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat d own on her couch to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruis e ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in th e cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went up stairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handl e, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside o f a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.. "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something mo

re comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman ret urned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardeni a."Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no c ompanionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a w insome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection? " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ENGINEER'S DICTIONARY MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - Back to the drawing board. DEVELOPED AFTER YEARS OF INTENSIVE RESEARCH - It was discovered by accident. PROJECT SLIGHTLY BEHIND ORIGINAL SCHEDULE DUE TO UNFORSEEN DIFFICULTIES - We are working on something else. THE DESIGNS ARE WELL WITHIN ALLOWABLE LIMITS - We just made it, stretching a poi nt or two. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS BELIEVED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule that t he customer was happy to get anything at all from us. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this. THE DESIGN WILL BE FINALIZED IN THE NEXT REPORTING PERIOD - We haven't started t his job yet, but we've got to say something. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We don't know where we're goi ng, but we're moving. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - It works, and are we surprised! EXTENSIVE EFFORT IS BEING APPLIED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just h ired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS ARE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only guy who understood the t hing quit. MODIFICATIONS ARE UNDERWAY TO CORRECT CERTAIN MINOR DIFFICULTIES - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Engineering Ingenuity On the train to a math and engineering convention, a group of math majors and a group of engineering majors sat in the same car. Each of the math majors had his /her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of engineers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. When one of the engineers said "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and collected tickets from all the math majors. He then w ent to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engine ers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the eng ineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for this time the whol e group had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to on e bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Just before the conduc tor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please." A mechanical engineer, an electrical eng.,and a civil eng. were discussing God's

profession. The ME said He must have been an ME because look at how the human b ody is constructed with all the intricate bones and muscles. The EE said He must have been an EE because look at the electrical impulses of the nervous system. The CE said God surly must have been a CE because only a CE would put a sewage s ystem through a recreational area. A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their wa y to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. T he occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck hal fway down the mountain in a car with no brakes. "I know" said the manager. " Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Impro vement, find a solution to the critical problems and we'll be on our way." "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can s trip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on o ur way." "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push th e car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?" A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries t o sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He exp lains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then yo u ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engi neer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first qu estion, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with t hree legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled lo ok, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after ab out an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programme r, turns away and returns to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his adv isors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the to p, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king a sked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heatin g elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. A t the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Co me back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of s uch short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated , they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker tha t can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only

makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses : grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sau sage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled egg s, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes." "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inhe rit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time , the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object tha t says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to sc rambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design pha se, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an objec t-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the e ggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks ver satility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugg ed in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click o n the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design ph ase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implement ation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA moni tor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly al lowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontrolle r!)." The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of flu id dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a g raduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of wate r. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went b ack to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, a nd after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When considering the behavior of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to cal culate where the shell will land. A physicist will be able to explain how the sh ell gets there. An engineer will stand there and try to catch it. Engineers Explained People who work in the fields of science and technology are

not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who ha ve to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need t o know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way J ane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "en gineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is t rying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST; You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, sel f-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the invento r of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing o n "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social inte raction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation *Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social in teractions: *Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two catego ries: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve proble ms. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own probl ems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have e nough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wonderin g if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engine er, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds f or temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a was te. LOVE OF "STAR TREK" Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the r eal life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having s ex without the participation of other life forms. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Enginee rs are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as su

perior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy a round the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to dat e an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, th us producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before l osing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way u ntil about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. Th at's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic intere sts, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound lik e lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spiri t; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimiza tion, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amo unt of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concent rate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environm ent. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some fun eral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing th e bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in compu ter programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is underst andable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will tr eat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too compli cated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fal l back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the pro blem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until i t's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other t imes just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem the y will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kin d of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody ha s more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal peopl e have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the e ngineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved C hihuahua on a pork chop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.The car breaks down."Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we ca n get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the che mical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system. "I thought it might be an grounding problem ", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, " I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on t his bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTH ING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comprehending Engineers, --Take One A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly s low group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rat her slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight sa ving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free an ytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night? Comprehending Engineers -- Take Two In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wal l, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they wal ked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls a nd boys meet?" The mathematician said: "Never." The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for al l practical purposes." Comprehending Engineers -- Take Three There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanic al. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Sev eral years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible prob lem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so man y of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge ma chine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular compon ent of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. Accou nting demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace. Comprehending Engineers -- Take Four The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach 10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the c omplex math, which you will never use. 6. Never try to fix the hardware with software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software. 1. Dilbert is a documentary.