WIVES AND HUSBANDS (15): AFFIRMING PRECIOUSNESS (Ephesians 5:22-33) Our subject is husbands from Ephesians 5:22-33.

We find here a fourfold role presented. He is to be a leader, lover, leaver and cleaver. At the moment we are taking a detailed look at the husband as leader. I heard of one fellow who took the bull by the horns on this issue. He was bragging to a friend one day. He said, As soon as we were married I let my wife know who was the boss. The friend was intrigued. How did you do that? I looked her right in the eye and said, Youre the boss. I guess thats one way to do it but that would represent one of the two overreactions to this biblical instruction. We have said that some men become biblical tyrants like that famous picture of John Brown Bible in one hand, rifle in the other the picture of righteous indignation. Some husbands present a similar picture as they intimidate wives and children in the name of God. Others, like the man earlier, have abdicated. They have given up. The biblical mandate is somewhere between those two. Our text for husband as leader is Eph 5:23: For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. We have noted that some men stop short in this verse especially the tyrants. They put the period after wife -- For the husband is the head of the wife. But the Bible does not put the period there. The verse goes on: even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior? This is differnt. This is neither tyranny nor abdication, but Saviorhood. This is leadership that is redemptive. Leadership modeled after Christ many-faceted. We are examining some of those many facets by asking the question, How does one lead like Christ? Principles for ANY leader. I. Leader A. Not as Dictator, but as Example First we saw that Christ led, not as dictator, but as example. Jesus constant invitation was Follow me. And so, as a first priority, a Christian husband will model those characteristics he would like to see in his wife, not demand them. B. Not for Self, but for God C. Not for Self, but for Family

Then, we saw that Christ was always concerned for God first, then others. His leadership was never about Him! It was not about His comfort, His plans, His agenda or His will it was always first and foremost about doing the Fathers will. That was His food and drink. Then secondly, within that broader scope, He was concerned for others. So in his leadership role a Christian husband will put wife and family ahead of his own concerns. D. Not as Superior, but as Equal In our society we are programmed to think that those who are the best and brightest the smartest and most able are those who become leaders. But a Godly husband realizes that leadership is a role, not a ranking [repeat]. He would never treat his wife as anything other than an equal in determining family priorities, goals and plans. Not as superior, but as equal. E. Not Demanding, but Inviting One young wife was a jogging enthusiast. But she was often bothered by neighborhood dogs on her daily run. As a result, her husband began to accompany her on a bicycle, stick in hand to ward off any attackers. One day as she ran along followed by her husband on his bike, a man in an automobile pulled alongside. Seeing the husband on his bike seemingly driving his wife on her run, the man said to the husband, "Dont you think thats taking it a little too far?!" He thought that was a little over the top. Unfortunately, many regard a husbands leadership that way as a dictatorship. The husband demands, and the wife is obligated to respond. And, of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Weve already seen that such thinking is a result of not reading far enough in the verse. Anyone modeling himself after Christ could never take such a position. Jesus, alone among all the people who have ever lived, had the right by virtue of His person, His position as Creator and His holy life to demand subservience. Yet, He never did. He said in Matthew 11:28, 28) Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. It was an invitation a wonderful invitation, but not a demand. He said in Luke 9:23, If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. He issued a wonderful invitation, but He never demanded or forced Himself on anyone. Jesus says in Rev 3:20, Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I
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will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. He invites; He compels; He calls, but He never demands. Pastor and author Kent Hughes tells of one man he ran into who believed the Bible supported his right to torture his wife if she did not submit to his sexual desires. That is the kind of reprehensible perversion that causes some to reject God Word out of hand. Such an attitude has nothing to do with a husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior not its dictator, but its Savior. A dictator demands; a savior invites. Husbands we are saviors. Our leadership is redemptive. As we mentioned in instruction to wives, it is the wife who must decide to submit. Submission cannot be demanded. I heard of a retiring farmer who was getting rid of his animals. So he went to every house in his town. In homes where the man was the leader, he gave a horse. In homes where the woman was boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's in charge around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one," the man's wife said. The old farmer stared for a moment and then said, "Here's your chicken." You see the point. Submission must be freely given. It cant be forced. When a husband demands submission, he has already lost his authority and is in violation of Gods Word and Gods plan. His biblical recourse is invitation, persuasion. Biblical headship leads by example; it compels a following by its kind, generous and competent nature, not by demands. One comedienne said, In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldnt let me. That may work in high school, but I can assure you it wont work in real life and its surely not Gods idea of headship. Leadership like Christs is not demanding but inviting. It is redemptive. Former Red Sox Hall-of-Fame third baseman Wade Boggs hated going to the old Yankee Stadium because of a hostile fan who had a box seat close to the field. When the Red Sox were in town he devoted full time to shouting obscenities and insults at Boggs. One day before the game, as Boggs was warming up, the fan went into his routine and Boggs decided hed had enough. He walked over to where the man was sitting with his friends, and said, "Hey fella, are you the guy whos always yelling at me?" The man said, "Yeah, its me. What are you going to do about it?" Boggs took a new baseball out of his pocket, autographed it, tossed it to the man, and went
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back to the field to continue his pre-game routine. The man never yelled at Boggs again; in fact, it was said that he became one of Wades biggest fans at Yankee Stadium. Imagine if he had simply demanded that the guy stop. What he did is leadership that invites, not demands. It was redemptive. F. Not as critic, but as encourager How does one lead like Christ? Not as critic, but as encourager. Many believe that leadership is about pointing out people's faults. Hey, Honey, 20 cents off in the checkbook again this month. When are we going to get it right? Or, Listen, darlin that mayonnaise oozed out all over my pants again. How hard is it to make a sandwich? We have learned this from our parents, and from other authorities in our lives who did not understand how devastating habitual criticism can be. Were in a habit we refuse to break. A Milton Berle story had a chairman of the board touring his manufacturing plant. He stopped to chat with one of the older workers and asked, "How long have you been with the company?" "Thirty-nine years," the man said. His boss came up and said "And in all that time, hes made only made one little mistake." The CEO just looked at him for a moment and then said, "Well, let's try to be a little more careful in the future." Man, is that devastating or what? One mistake in 39 years! Do mistakes sometimes need to be fixed? Yes. But good leaders find a way to correct that is encouraging -- not critical. Jesus modeled this kind of behavior over and over, but never more beautifully than in John 21. Turn with me. This is the account of Jesus restoring Peter to fellowship after his shameful denial of Christ on the night before his crucifixion. Peter and friends had gone fishing when the resurrected Jesus caught up with them on the shore. Jesus fed them breakfast and then comes this amazing account of the conversation between Peter and Jesus. Now Id probably have said something like, "Well, Pete, I don't think. I saw you around at the crucifixion. What happened?" Or, "Hey, Buddy, I've got a bone to pick with you. Not only did you deny me, but the language you used Peter! Youre gonna have to get your act together if you are going to have a future with me. Or, "Pete, the way you have acted was irresponsible and unacceptable. What do you have to say for yourself?" Thats take the bull by the horns leadership! But its not very redemptive! But look how Jesus handled this beginning in verse 15, "When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, Simon (Peters pre4

conversion name, BTW), son of John, do you love me more than these (meaning, the other men. When Jesus said in Mark 14 that everyone would fall away, Peter was quick to jump in and say, Maybe all the others will, but not me! Id die for you. Dont worry, Ive got your back. In essence, Jesus is saying here, So, Peter, still feel that way? That you love me more than any of these other guys?) He said to him, Yes, Lord; you know that I love you. He said to him, Feed my lambs. (Stop there for a moment. There is a nuance here that the English language cannot duplicate. When Jesus asked Peter if Peter love Him, he used the word agape the selfsacrificing love that thinks only of the other person. Peter, knowing that his actions had proven otherwise, answers that he does love Christ, but he uses the word phileo -- the word that means brotherly affection. He cannot say that he loves Jesus in the most intimate and sacrificial manner. He can only say that he has a strong affection for his Lord, even though his actions were not consistent with that. What we really have here is Jesus eliciting a confession from Peter, and Peter is brutally honest. Let's continue) 16 He said to him a second time, Simon, son of John, do you love () me (this time Jesus leaves the others out of it)? He said to him, Yes, Lord; you know that I love () you. He said to him, Tend my sheep. 17 He said to him the third time, Simon, son of John, do you love me? (This third time, Jesus did something different. This time Jesus used the word . He accommodated himself to Peter admission in essence saying, "Peter, if that is all you got, it is enough. Its enough! You have been honest; you have confessed your sin. I accept you right where are." Amazingly gentle and forgiving and encouraging! Not critical, but encouraging. Leadership at its absolute finest. And look at the response.) Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, Do you love () me? and he said to him, Lord, you know everything; you know that I love () you. Jesus said to him, Feed my sheep. Peter gets it now, Beloved. Before it was big Peter and small God. Im with you all the way. Got your back! Now, he recognizes the omniscience of Jesus, the superiority of the Savior. Now its a big God and small Peter. What a contrast and what a confession. Jesus treatment of Peter left Peter with a broken heart. It killed him that he could not do better, and yet, here was the Lord accepting him where he was. Do you think that was motivating? This encounter changed him forever. Criticism would've led to resentment and bitterness; encouragement led to a broken spirit and utter submission.

Think of it this way. Peter is part of the bride of Christ. And here is Christ affirming the preciousness of his bride to him despite her flaws. Can you see that's what Jesus is doing? And that's what he wants from us, husbands, leaders in our homes. Anyone can criticize; it takes a man to affirm through her flaws, how precious is our wife to us and her Heavenly Father. See her; see all others, as God sees them. Bryan Chapell tells of a wife who wrote: "I hate him. I hate him because he made me feel worthless, inadequate -- like a nonperson, slave. I could never do anything that made him happy. I always came short of the mark. I was always desperately working to win his approval. I hate him for the crummy way he made me feel about myself. I don't know whether I will ever get over the hurt he caused in my life." Might your wife say that? Constant criticism tears at a persons sense of worth. It brings despair. No one can take a steady diet of criticism without becoming resentful and bitter. It tears down bridges and builds huge barriers. Instead of making his wife feel precious, this husband's headship made her feel worthless. This is in complete contrast to the model of Christ. His leadership never makes us feel "crummy," "worthless," and "like a nonperson." The leadership demonstrated by that husband was a form of robbery. He took from his wife the knowledge of grace God intends for her to possess. And it all happens so easily. That husband did not set out to undermine his wife. But -- here's the thing most of us do not recognize this as a part of our makeup. Let me repeat that. Most critics don't recognize themselves as critics. It comes so naturally it flows out without thought so easily that we don't even realize it is happening. So, husbands, it is incumbent upon us to turn our critical eye toward ourselves to examine carefully where we are doing this and determine under the power of the Holy Spirit to eliminate it. Godly leadership, modeled after Christ, requires that we be not critics, but encouragers. The success of our marriage depends on this, perhaps as much as any other item in this list. Encouraging is redemptive leadership. G. Not as Controller, but as Partner How does one lead like Jesus? Not as controller, but as partner. Ultimate decision-maker does not mean exclusive decision-maker. We encounter here the principle of delegation. It allows the marriage to deal with the outside world with as much strength as possible. Let me explain.
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A guy goes to the doctor. Hes sitting in the waiting room when all of a sudden from the examining room he hears the doctors voice. He is yelling out, Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles! Polio! The guy gets alarmed wondering if he is being exposed to all these diseases. He steps up to the counter and asks the attending nurse what is going on. She says, Oh, dont worry. The doctor just likes to call all the shots. He likes to call all the shots. That is the description of the husband as controller. Some husbands think that leadership means calling all the shots! If you carried that to the extreme, youd end up like the British railroad agent in India during colonial days who had been reprimanded for making decisions without orders from headquarters. One day his superior received the following startling telegram: Tiger on platform eating conductor. Please wire instructions. The idea that headship means the husband makes all the decisions is bogus. Nothing could be further from the truth. Delegation is a major part of Godly leadership. Did Christ delegate? You bet He did. What were virtually His last words to his disciples? Matt 28:18-20: 18) And Jesus came and said to them, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19) Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20) teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age. Im delegating my authority to you, guys. It was nothing new for him: Luke 10:1, After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them on ahead of him, two by two, into every town and place where he himself was about to go. They were sent to preach and to heal and to represent the kingdom of God. Christ delegated often sometimes to people who werent ready yet on the job training. In this, Christ remains the head. He is the head of the church, but the responsibility of representing Him now is delegated to us. Therefore, delegation is a principle of Godly leadership. A wise husband will delegate willingly. Even better, the couple will together analyze their individual strengths and weaknesses and divide responsibilities and authority along those lines. I heard of one couple who decided that the husband would make all the major decision and the wife would make all the minor decisions. It was 20 years before he realized there had not yet been one single major decision! That would not be quite what we have in mind here. Hopefully the delegation would be a bit more representative!
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We would be foolish not to take advantage of each others abilities. Why should I duplicate effort in areas where Patty is so much better? For example, Patty is much better at shopping, finding bargains, decorating, making travel plans. I would never buy clothes without her advice. She knows materials and what looks right much better than I. She has authority to do virtually anything around the house. This is a good place to delegate. A woman sees a house as an extension of herself. To criticize it is to criticize her, so it makes sense that it is delegated to her to do with as she likes. But it is also incumbent on the husband to take an interest, for to neglect it is to neglect her. In our home we make major purchasing decisions together, but in our own areas we are free to take responsibility. Creating sermons is my responsibility. But Patty tells me whether they are any good or not! You see, each doing what they do best. I think you get the idea. (And its none of your business what the % is!!). Now husbands, we have to remember, if we delegate responsibility, we also delegate authority. Its not fair to delegate the responsibility for redecorating the family room and then complain about every expense or criticize the color of the walls. Agree a budget ahead of time and agree what decisions, if any, should be mutually agreed, but dont delegate responsibility without authority. Thats like the boss who says, Weve decided, Sherman, to give you more responsibility. From now on, youll be responsible for everything that goes wrong. Not quite the way it works. With responsibility comes authority to act. Redemptive leadership. Conclusion So today we have learned that leadership invites rather than demands submission; it is encouraging, and it delegates. In other words, husbands, we are looking for the best in our wives without demanding anything. Let me share with you in closing a wonderful leadership principle I learned not too long ago. A young man asked his grandfather the secret of his long and happy marriage. The wise old man replied, "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my wifes faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," The young man asked, What were those, Grandpa? His grandfather replied, "To tell the truth, Son, I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my Grandma did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, Lucky for her thats one of the ten." That, Beloved, is redemptive leadership!
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This doesnt mean that there is never a time to kindly and lovingly point out a habitual flaw. But if we were primarily working at ignoring the bad and encouraging the good and the beautiful, it would exhibit great leadership and it would change our marriages. As Christians, marriage is a place to practice grace. When you can look past the faults of your spouse and concentrate on affirming their preciousness to you and to God, you will be exercising Godly leadership and you will find satisfaction and peace. Lets pray.