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An Illegal Alien Hitchhiker's Guide To The United States Michael Busby 2011

So, it is spring break and you have decided to hitchhike across the United States of America. Friends have gone before you and have returned with thrilling tales of free money, free health care, free transportation back home (when you are ready to return, of course). Best of all, there is no need to get a passport and pay that exhorbiant $100 fee for a tourist visa. Besides, you might want to stay longer than the 90 days a tourist visa allows. Although the visa requirement exists, the good ole USA likes Mexicans so much, they waive the visa and fee requirements, if you are willing to do a little swimming, or hiking. No big deal right?

Rules
Of course, everything has rules. Crossing the border into the USA and hitching around the country is no different. Lets examine some of the more important rules.

1. Dont get into tractor-trailers with 800 other hitchhikers. There is no privacy and what if you have to go? Goes for railroad cars, also. 2. Obviously, if your entry mode is swimming the Rio Grande, bring a swimsuit and towel. Depending upon the time of year, probably need sun block, also. 3. Avoid underground tunnels. There is usually a toll charge. And the tunnel could collapse. 4. If you choose to walk across the border, wear comfortable hiking boots and bring water. You may have to walk several miles before coming to a road where a kind citizen with several hundred acres of tomatoes, or watermelons, picks you up. 5. Okay to bring friends see Factoids. 6. Olay to bring marijuana see Factoids. 7. Okay to bring pregnant wife. 8. Okay to bring up to fifteen children. 9. Dont bring any cocaine. That pisses off the cartels and they will probably shoot you.

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Destinations
The good citizens of these destinations keep voting for politicians who enact policies that welcome hitchhikers so you can be certain they will welcome your arrival with open arms.

Texas
Well, why not? Just a short swim across the Rio Grande and you are in the Lone Star State, otherwise known as The Country The Hated Norte Americanos Stole From Us. Dallas, Mexico is a very hospitable destination but you may also want to try out San Antonio which is composed of 61% Mexicans, of which 60% are hitchhikers who are taking their time leaving the country. With a population of about 1,500,000 that is about 900,000 fellow Mexicans to share stories with of back home. Yep, San Antonio is a very hospitable destination and you should not feel lonely while there. Plenty of back-home kind of restaurants. You can also visit the Alamo and gloat over Santa Anas victory fighting the Yanqui interlopers. There is nothing else in the USA that will give you such a feeling of superior citizenship than standing in the Alamo chapel where the illegal alien Davy Crockett was bayoneted by at least five of your countrymen. Well, maybe all the pick-up trucks in Dallas with bumper stickers of the Mexican flag with Dallas, Mexico written across the sticker might swell the native pride as much.

Dallas/Fort Worth is a great destination for hitchhikers. Every fast food place in the huge metropolitan area will not hire an Anglo to work in their business. They will only hire hitchhikers. Ostensibly, their purported desire is to help the hitchhikers by giving them employment so they can quickly move on to more northerly destinations with some jingle in their pocket. Problem is, too many hitchhikers find the region so hospitable, they want to spend their entire spring break in Dallas/Fort Worth. So, be prepared to spend some time searching for a good job. It might take a year, or so. If you get lucky, you may get the job of school district superintendent. It pays very well, especially if you count the bennies, such as a house full of new furniture and a new car. (Hint: let the school

districts black chief accountant have his share of spoils so he does not rat on you. Dont worry about the tax money thrown away on his and your comfort. Kids dont need all that classroom foofarah, anyway. You didnt need it in your school, eh?)

Speaking about Texas schools, if you decide to continue your education in Texas, you can choose any school district safe in the knowledge the poor school districts will receive as much money as the rich school districts. Americans call it the Robin Hood plan. Mexicans call it the Zoro Plan. Texans call it the Screw Me plan.

El Paso is a friendly destination it is 80% Mexican = 48,000 similar souls - but since it is a border city, who really wants to visit there, anyway? Visiting El Paso when coming from Mexico is like taking a hamburger to a steak supper. Ho hum. That is, unless you are from the area of Mexico just across the border from El Paso. Something about the shortest distance is a straight line. However, if this is the case, I suggest you hitch a ride in Mexico to California and cross the border at Tijuana. Much more to see and do in California than coming into the country through El Paso. But, if you insist, try to catch the Sweetwater Rattlesnake Roundup as you head for the interior. Maybe you will decide you need a pet to keep you company while traveling.

California
Californias state motto is Eureka (I have found it!). Yes, you have. The state's population includes 3.2 million Mexicans. That is almost 24% of all Mexicans in America.

California is also known as the Golden State. That is because 3.2 million Mexicans have found gold in California.

California spends $21.5 billion dollars annually subsidizing Mexican health care, education, welfare, other state benefits and criminal justice. So, in California you can do

nothing and expect to get at least $6,718.75 in benefits. Such a deal. Sure beats the hell out of working for a living in Mexico for $1.25 per day.

Every native-born California household pays $2,438 each year to help you and your fellow citizens take jobs from Americans. (Arent Californians stupid? I mean they PAY for you to take their jobs.) Unless you commit a violent felony, the state leaves you alone.

Los Angeles is particularly friendly. Los Angeles Special Order 40 prevents local law enforcement and public servants from inquiring about your immigration status. Forget about the United States Constitution which states there will be equal protection of the laws. The Equal Protection clause was previously interpreted to mean everyone, regardless race, creed, color, or religion would be equally subjected to all the laws of the United States.

Los Angeles Special Order 40 is an official sanctuary policy that sets the tone for statewide law enforcement. So, hitch around the state and enjoy the beautiful scenery. If you brought that marijuana with you, you can even finance a few galas here and there.

Many hitchhikers go to an area known as the Central Valley. The farmers there depend on a combination of immigration and irrigation to produce almost 8 percent of Americas total agricultural output. Youll be in good company because more than half of the farm workers in California are hitchhikers.

Hey! Dont you feel special, already?

Montgomery Country, Maryland

After you tire of Texas, or California, and want to see other areas of the country, think about a trip to our nations capital. If jobs are what attract you, then this upscale community close to our nation's capital offers the mother of all magnets.

The first step to getting a job is to visit a Casa De Maryland (CASA) Welcome Center. Their employment specialists help you find a job and dont give a hoot about your legal status. They will even help you acquire an IRS-issued taxpayer identification number because, of course, youre here illegally and not eligible for a real Social Security number. This powerful organization is truly the illegal alien Welcome Wagon with $16 million in assets, $4.9M of it acquired in 2010 from government contracts! Dont worry about Secure Communities because the County recently opposed its implementation. And for college-bound illegal aliens, take advantage of in-state-tuition now that the state passed the Maryland Dream Act.

Washington (Not the Capital, Washington D.C.)

Theres nothing like a valid drivers license in your hip pocket to help you navigate the U.S. at will in the comfort of your new tricked-out pick-up. Most states require you to present your Social Security Number (SSN) to get one. Washington has made an exception. If you dont already have a fake SSN or arent borrowing one from a U.S. citizen simply sign a form and bring a utility bill along to prove youre living in the Evergreen State.

Dont have a utility bill? Washington accepts Mexican Matrcula Consular ID cards as proof of identification. The state is not concerned with FBI and Department of Justice warnings that the cards are not reliable forms of ID and pose major criminal and potential terrorist threats.

Dont even have a consular card? Thats even easier than getting a drivers license. Visit the Mexican Consulate in Seattle and bring a birth certificate (theyre not concerned about whose it is) and proof of address.

Is this a great state or what?

Chicago
The Beatles may have had you and Chicago -- the whole state even -- in mind when they sang "I get by with a little help from my friends. Local politicians will entice you, excuse you, and if you dont terribly mind, use you.

U.S. Senator Dick Durbin is a good friend of hitchhikers and a stalwart supporter of the DREAM Act.

U.S. Representative Luis Gutierrez is your other friend. Hes on record saying, I have only one loyalty, and thats to the immigrant community. Gutierrez is confused. He is really speaking about you, a hitchhiker enjoying unparalleled access to a foreign country.

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn is also on your team. He recently told the federal government that Illinois will not participate in Secure Communities.

What does remain is Chicagos sanctuary city policy. You wont be asked any questions if you keep out of trouble but should you get jailed, no one will check your immigration status even when youre in custody. So dont volunteer to speak to any Immigration officials/

Finally, Chicagos mayor, Rahm Emmanuel understands your needs; he used to be President Obamas Chief of Staff. Hell do what he can locally to continue the presidents agenda of dismantling of immigration enforcement.

Of course youll be expected to vote for all these folks once they figure out a way to make you appear to be a legal immigrant butm you'll get used to it, quid-pro-quo voting is a Chicago-style tradition.

New Haven, Connecticut

New Haven is what its name implies a haven for hitchhikers. You wont need to fuss with legal documents like drivers licenses, social security card, Green Card, visa or passport; there is a card just for you. In 2007, this town became the first in the country to offer ID cards to residents, regardless of age or immigration status."

The most useful aspect of having one of these cards is that it allows you to open a bank account and deposit money from the job youre working -- without legal authorization. Interestingly, the New Haven ID card has embedded holograms so that no one can ever steal your identity. Yales hometown has thought of everything right down to making sure no one in town ever has a phony illegal alien ID card.

Factoids
1. You can bring up to 1,652 pounds of marijuana with you. 1 2. You can bring as many as four friends with you. 2 3. You will get free health care. 4. You will get free dental care. 5. You will get free food (SNAP, WIC, ect.) 6. You will get a free education through university. 7. You will get preferential treatment for a job.

There are (U.S. Attorney) policies in place that establish thresholds for quantities of drugs and numbers

of illegal aliens before consideration for prosecution can be entertained, Sheriff Larry A. Dever said in his written testimony before the Subcommittee on Border and Maritime Security. In at least one Federal District in Texas, if you are caught smuggling less than 750 kilos (1,653 pounds) of marijuana, you will not be subjected to prosecution.
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If you are caught smuggling fewer than 6 illegal aliens, you will not be subject to prosecution, Dever

said. And if you are a lone illegal border crosser, you get at least seven chances before you are even charged with a misdemeanor. And after that, you get seven more chances before you are eligible for prosecution of a second offense felony, Dever said.

8. You will be excused from paying payroll taxes. That is at least a 20% increase in take-home pay. 9. Many communities have hitchhiker job centers. Inquire at the nearest hardware store where the local job center is. There you will find a government employee that will help you get a day job, that could turn into something more permanent. Dont worry, there is no charge for this service for you - the local community pays for the service. 10. Special consideration for a load to buy a house, or even a business. 11. If you decide to stay awhile longer and want to get what is known as a green card, the US Government will conduct all interviews in your native language. This is a great benefit because it means you do not have to learn English like other legal immigrants. That brings up the next factoid. 12. You will be able to understand everything of interest to you. All signs and government paperwork are written in Spanish. Even American school students must learn some basic Spanish so you will never need to learn any English. There are more Spanish radio stations than Anglo, and there are many Spanish television stations. Absolutely no need to learn a single word of English. 13. In the event of any altercation, you can play your race card, a get out of jail free card.

Final Tip
Why are you still reading this? You will never find a better deal anywhere else in the world. You should be half way here by now!

Fact: Mexican nationalists have said in another thirty years they will accomplish what generations of previous Mexicans could never accomplish. They will regain control and ownership of the over 1.2 million square miles Mexico lost to the United States after the 1848 Mexican-American War. They intend to return the territory to the country of Mexico. I dont think Americans today have the moral fiber to prevent this scenario from happening. When push comes to shove, Americans will roll over and play dead.