Family Matters 2008-09

08/09 
 
Fall/Winter 
Family Matters – Thriving in a happy, healthy home. 
Prepared by Todd Dow 
for Niagara United Mennonite Church 
Redrickchurch.ca/christianparenting/ 
 
 
Table of Contents 
Family Matters – Series Overview ..................................................................................... 1 
Family matters – an overview............................................................................................. 3 
Why does family matter?................................................................................................................3 
Family Dynamics: ..............................................................................................................................4 
Spiritual foundations begin at home ..........................................................................................9 
Characteristics of healthy families........................................................................................... 11 
Girls – what matters .............................................................................................................13 
Confidence, humility and respect ............................................................................................. 13 
Affirmation, warmth, encouragement and protection ...................................................... 14 
Good role models: Being the woman your daughter wants to become ....................... 16 
Good role models: Being the man your daughter wants to marry ................................ 17 
Boys – What Matters.............................................................................................................18 
Cultivating Emotional Health..................................................................................................... 18 
Respect, discipline and selfcontrol:........................................................................................ 20 
Differences between boys & girls ............................................................................................. 22 
Workshop: 3 biblical scenarios ................................................................................................. 24 
Discipline with Consistency........................................................................................................ 25 
Marriage Matters...................................................................................................................27 
Foundations of a Healthy Marriage.......................................................................................... 27 
Love and Respect............................................................................................................................ 29 
Emotional Intelligence ................................................................................................................. 31 
Setting goals and priorities......................................................................................................... 33 
Sexual intimacy............................................................................................................................... 34 
Playing Together ............................................................................................................................ 36 
Creating your own traditions..................................................................................................... 38 
Moms & Dads – What Matters? .........................................................................................39 
Maslow’s Hierarchy and parental needs ................................................................................ 39 
Importance of Self.......................................................................................................................... 40 
What matters to moms................................................................................................................. 41 
What matters to dads.................................................................................................................... 42 
Finances Matter .....................................................................................................................43 
The Best Things in Life Are Not Things (Burns, 165‐181).................................................. 43 
6 Steps to Building a Personal Financial Plan ...................................................................... 44 
10 Laws of Building Wealth ........................................................................................................ 45 
Raising a family on a budget....................................................................................................... 46 
Bibliography ...........................................................................................................................47 
 
Family Matters – Series Overview 
2008: 
September  Family matters – an overview: 
• Why does family matter? 
• Family dynamics. 
• Spiritual foundations begin at home. 
• Characteristics of healthy families. 
October  Girls – what matters: 
• Confidence, humility and respect. 
• Affirmation, protection and encouragement. 
• Being the woman your daughter wants to become. 
• Being the man your daughter wants to marry. 
November  Boys – what matters: 
• Cultivating emotional health. 
• Respect, discipline and self‐control. 
• Differences between boys & girls 
• Being the man your son wants to become. 
• Being the woman your son wants to marry. 
December  Boys – what matters – continuation: 
• Workshop: 3 biblical scenarios 
• Discipline with consistency 
 
2009: 
January  Marriage matters: 
• Foundations of a healthy marriage. 
• Love and respect. 
• Emotional intelligence. 
• Communication workshop. 
February  Marriage matters: 
• Setting goals and priorities. 
• Sexual intimacy. 
• Playing together. 
• Creating your own traditions. 
March  Moms & Dads – what matters: 
• Maslow’s hierarchy and parental needs. 
• Importance of self. 
• What matters to moms. 
• What matters to dads. 
April  Finances matter: 
• The Best Things in Life Are Not Things 
• 6 Steps to Building a Personal Financial Plan 
• 10 Laws of Building Wealth 
• Raising a family on a budget 
Family Matters  1 
 
May  How the home matters in the world: 
• Polytheism. 
• Materialism. 
• Sexual temptations. 
• War. 
 
Family Matters – An Overview 
Family matters – an overview 
Why does family matter? 
“Family is a place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” 
‐ Robert Frost 
 
A theology of family 
Family relationships parallel the spiritual relationship between God and us. Look at 
central themes or principles in scripture which shape our understanding and 
practice of family: 
 
1. Love 
Genesis 2:24 – the basis of family is relational rather than rigid rules. 
“Family is where you can count on that love even when you least deserve it. 
(Anderson and Guernesy) 
 
2. Grace vs legalism – “To forgive and be forgiven” 
This describes a redemptive perspective on relationships. 
 
3. Empowering – “To serve and be served” 
Giving power to someone else rather than trying to control things (and others) 
myself. Consider mutual submission rather than dominance. (see Ephesians 5) 
 
4. Intimacy – “to know and be known” 
This is the basis for communication. It requires a willingness to trust and to be 
vulnerable and to share. 
 
5. Creating and nurturing life 
Life begins in family – biologically as well as socially. Family is the most basic 
form of community. 
 
6. The spiritual family of God is primary – the biological family is secondary 
God describes his relationship with His people primarily in family terms (father, 
mother, child). Jesus’ reference to “hating” mother and father (Lk 14:25, 26; Mk 
3:31‐34; Mt. 10:21) is intended to give us proper perspective on our biological 
families and our primary spiritual family. 
 
 
Family Dynamics: 
Erik Erikson’s Theory of Human Development: 
In general, Erickson’s Theory of Human Development is widely accepted and plays a 
major role in all human and psychological development studies and theories. The 
best advice is to use the theory as a framework or map for understanding and 
identifying what issues/conflicts unresolved lead to current behavior and preparing 
for the stages to come. 
 
The stages are: 
  Stage:  Psychosocial Crisis: 
1  Infancy (Birth‐12 Months)  Trust vs. Mistrust 
2  Younger Years (1‐3 Years)  Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt 
3  Early Childhood (3‐5 Years)  Initiative vs. Guilt 
4  Middle Childhood (6‐10 Years)  Industry vs. Inferiority 
5  Adolescence (11‐18 Years)  Identity vs. Role Confusion 
6  Early Adulthood (18‐26 years)  Intimacy vs. Isolation 
7  Middle Adulthood (26‐60 Years)  Generativity vs. Stagnation 
8  Later Adulthood (60 years‐Death)  Ego Integrity vs. Despair 
 
Individuality within a family: 
Every child is born into a different family from each of the other brothers and sisters 
1. The number of people changes (and ratio of adults to children) 
2. Thus, there will be more attention directed at the first children and less at 
the middle and later children 
3. Life stage of the parents and the marriage relationship is likely to be different 
4. Maturity of the parents and the marriage relationship may be different 
5. Economically, the family may experience change due to career development, 
career change, etc. 
6. The social environment may affect the family (depression, war, etc.) 
 
Principles of family life: 
7. Siblings tend to work at developing distinctiveness in a family 
8. We learn about: sexes, relationships, and the world around us in our early 
family experience: 
9. Since living with someone in an intimate relationship most closely duplicates 
the experience of growing up in a family, it’s not surprising that birth order 
characteristics become most evident in relationship with a spouse. Some 
birth order characteristics tend to work better than others. Duplicating each 
other’s birth order at home tends to be the easiest, but problems may 
develop if one wants to change. 
 
The Five Factors: 
Birth order characteristics develop from five factors: 
1. Order of birth 
2. Sex 
 
3. Number of years between siblings 
4. Sex of siblings 
5. Birth order of parents (especially same sex parent) 
 
Oldest Children In General: 
1. Receive more affection and attention than younger siblings 
2. High expectations for “the first born” 
3. Oldest children with younger siblings: 
o Feel abandoned and jealous at the introduction of a new younger 
sibling, especially between the ages of 18 months and 5 years of age. 
o Oldest children resent this new sibling, as they feel it takes away from 
the attention that is normally paid to them. 
o Same sex younger siblings tend to accentuate this response, whereas 
opposite sex younger siblings do the opposite. The perceived threat is 
less for opposite sex siblings, as they don’t pose as much of a direct 
threat. 
o Having a father that is physically and emotionally available during this 
time is helpful in reassuring a young child of their sense of meaning in 
the family. 
o And, reassuring oldest siblings when they help and set a good example 
tends to encourage good behaviour. 
o Oldest siblings strive for admiration and respect of others. 
4. Long term impacts: 
o Older siblings adopt parental responsibilities. This can be good (it 
develops good living habits) and bad (added pressure to perform) 
o Tend to be strong leaders and managers. 
o Tend to be more nurturing and protective. 
o Tend to defend the status quo and are typically more traditional than 
younger siblings. 
o Have trouble trusting others to produce good results (as they feel that 
others can’t perform functions up to the same level as they can… as 
experienced through a lifetime of coaching younger siblings) 
o Oldest siblings strive for admiration and respect of others. 
o They tend to over‐commit rather than disappoint others. 
 
Youngest Children In General: 
1. They tend to be the baby in the family. 
2. Youngest Children with Older Siblings: 
o They tend to be taken care of, and learn to expect that others will 
come to their aid. 
o Oldest siblings feel that youngest get away with more… which is 
typically true: the rules are softened for successive children in many 
cases. 
o Therefore, rules have less meaning for youngest. 
 
o More likely to be undisciplined, procrastinators and late for or miss 
appointments. 
o Tend to look to others for support and easily become dependent upon 
older spouses or friends for guidance. But, they also tend to fight 
against the control exerted by these older partners. 
o And, in any lecture about birth order, it is the youngest siblings that 
tend to dispute the findings the loudest. 
o Some youngests become shy and uncertain due to always being under 
the cloud of the older, more experienced, more skilled siblings. 
o Inadequacy can develop when stuck in the shadow of an older sibling 
that they can’t seem to measure up to. 
o This can lead to feelings of incompetence. 
o If always given hand‐me‐downs as children, they may place an 
emphasis on material things later in life. 
o In happy families, the youngest tend to be the most lighthearted and 
playful and tend to have high self‐esteem. 
 
Middle Children In General: 
1. Tend to end up with a mix of older and younger sibling traits. 
2. And, they can end up feeling left out, as they have no distinct identity other 
than being caught “in the middle”. 
3. They compete against perceived “smarter, older, stronger” sibling(s) and 
perceived “younger, cuter, more dependent” sibling(s). 
o Since they are caught in the middle without the benefits of being the 
oldest or the youngest, they tend to feel that life is unfair. 
o Tend to be sensitive to being left out or slighted as an adult. 
o Tend to be least likely to take the initiative or thinking independently. 
o Tend to rank the lowest academically. 
o Least likely in their family to go to university. 
o Less likely to feel pressure to succeed than older siblings. 
o And, less likely to feel constant observation that a youngest sibling 
would feel. 
o Tend to feel less betrayed when a new younger sibling arrives than an 
oldest sibling would feel (see above), since middle children never had 
that alone time with parents to begin with. 
o Tend to act out the more than oldest siblings, especially when faced 
with direct competition with older siblings. This can lead to rebellion. 
o Middle children tend to negotiate peace, as they are trapped in the 
middle. They try to coexist with others. 
 
For Your Parental Toolkit: 
Tips for dealing with oldest children: 
1. Put less pressure on them to succeed 
2. Openly give more love and approval just for existing (unconditional) 
 
3. Focus on the good things in an activity instead of just pointing out the bad 
things ‐ most oldest children tend to already be aware of their mistakes. 
4. Don’t force your oldest to grow up too soon. Let them have some decision 
making in how much responsibility they take on (don’t automatically assign 
them babysitting duties, for example) 
5. After younger siblings have arrived, continue to spend time alone with your 
older siblings. 
6. Make them feel important as an individual, not just as a helper. 
 
Tips for dealing with youngest children: 
1. Encourage them to be independent, thoughtful and self‐reliant. 
2. Praise minor accomplishments, just like you do with older siblings. 
3. Don’t let older siblings dominate or tease younger siblings. 
4. Give plenty of affirmation. 
5. Don’t let them get away with too much goofing off. 
6. Start reading early with youngest children. 
7. Don’t assume they are too little to be useful. Give the youngest their fair 
share of household duties. 
8. Don’t compare them to the older children. 
 
Tips for dealing with middle children: 
1. It is important to provide a sense of identity to these children from a parent 
of the same sex (or of another sibling of the same sex). 
2. Treat middle children with lots of care. Make them feel important. 
3. Don’t assume that everything is fine with them. Spend time with them, talk to 
them. 
4. Solicit opinions and ask about feelings. 
 
Factors that alter the usual traits of birth order and sex: 
1. Loss of parents in childhood 
o Death of a parent; or 
o Divorce 
2. Remarriage 
3. Death of a sibling 
4. Death of other family members 
5. Adoption 
6. Disabilities 
7. Anxiety in the family 
8. Large families 
 
Other things to consider: 
1. Dealing with jealousy 
o Be sure to listen to all children and be empathetic to their feelings. 
o Acknowledge that not all problems may be easily solved, but reaffirm 
the value and meaning of each family member. 
2. Discouraging competitiveness 
 
o Don’t let children feel that performance equals acceptance. Love all 
family members unconditionally. 
3. Accept the differences among family members 
o Respect and appreciation for diversity within the family is important. 
4. Don’t assign roles 
o Allow for some autonomy in family roles and how they are adopted by 
family members. 
5. Providing equal opportunities 
o Don’t discriminate due to gender differences. Encourage all family 
members for equal goals. 
6. Don’t treat them identically 
o Recognize individual interests, skills, abilities and goals. 
7. Parenting out of your own birth order 
o Recognize the strengths of different birth orders and work within 
those constraints. 
8. Divorced parents 
o Recognize the need to reassure children who are fearful of neglect and 
abandonment, even where these may seem to be unfounded feelings. 
9. Your children are not your siblings 
 
Questions: 
1. Provide some examples that validate these findings within your own 
experience. 
2. How do these concepts relate to the information that we have learned from 
the previous sessions? 
3. Suggest ways that faith development might differ between oldest and 
youngest children. 
 
For further reading: 
Richardson, Dr. Ronald W. & Richardson, Lois A., Birth Order And You, North 
Vancouver, British Columbia: Self‐Counsel Press, 1990. 
Richardson, Dr. Ronald W., Family Ties That Bind, North Vancouver, British 
Columbia: Self‐Counsel Press, 1987. 
 
Spiritual foundations begin at home 
Parenting Our Children Towards Faith In God 
 
1. Spirituality is taught in the context of all our daily life – not just something 
we add on to our parenting tasks because we are Christians. 
See Deuteronomy 6:1‐9 
Parallel to Exodus 20 – that you live long in the land… 
We are directed to love God with our entire being. 
Thus, teach children in all aspects of their lives: 
• in our hearts 
• when we sit at home 
• when we walk on road 
• when you lie down and get up 
• tie God’s laws as symbols 
• write them on doorposts 
Spirituality is an integral part of all we do – we cannot separate it from our other 
activities. 
 
2. As children grow from birth to adulthood they change intellectually, 
physically, relationally, etc… and they change spiritually.  Thus, the way we 
approach our children’s spirituality must reflect and respect these 
changes. 
Previously, we learned about Erikson’s stages of psycho‐social development. 
Keeping in mind appropriate stages, children need a healthy foundation for later 
spirituality to form the conviction and strength it needs – but this information is 
not the same as giving religious information. 
Bring faith near but do not unload adult concepts directly onto young children – 
too big a burden to bear. 
Key qualities to share are: 
• Invitational – truth is relational “I am the way, the truth and the life” 
• Respect child (autonomy) 
• Do not project our need for doctrinal security onto our children 
• Cultivate memories, pray, answer questions, but don’t get hung up on                     
comprehensive understanding 
• In early stages we prepare our children for faith, we don’t indoctrinate 
them 
 
3. Our own spirituality as parents is crucial, not only because we cannot teach 
what we don’t know, but also because as we interact with our children they 
shape their understanding of God largely on their interactions with us. 
We are God to our children – almost literally – power of life and death 
• Superior being 
• They depend on us for everything 
• They believe us 
 
How many people struggle later in life with their view of God based on how one 
of their parents was towards them 
It is our job to incorporate spiritual practices in our family lives – reading Bible 
stories and devotionals (see article “Every child loves a story”), praying together, 
regular church attendance as a family, etc. 
 
4. We need to recognize the ways in which we learn about God from our 
children. 
Matthew 18:1‐4 
Matthew 19:13‐15 
It is about: 
• Trust/faith 
• Honesty 
• Simplicity 
Our basic identity as adults is as children of God – as parents we may need to 
learn from our children how to be a child of God. 
 
5. We need to instill in our children (and ourselves) a sense of wonder and 
awe as a way to open themselves to God. 
children have a high capacity for awe – just watch a child’s eyes light up when 
receiving a gift or when listening to a story 
• play 
• mystery 
• imagination 
The effectiveness of stories like CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien to teach through 
imagination and mystery 
 
 
Characteristics of healthy families 
Every family experiences problems. It is how the problems are handled that constitutes 
function or dysfunction. If one or more members say there is a problem, then there is a 
problem – and it is a family problem not just one individual’s. A healthy family 
recognizes that problems are normal, and seeks to address the problems rather than 
denying their existence. 
 
Scriptural Guidelines: 
• Ephesians 5:21‐33 & 6:1‐4 
• 1 Corinthians 13:4‐7 
 
Some characteristics of healthy families: 
1. Communication patterns are direct, clear and sensory‐based. 
2. The family can adapt to and even welcome change. 
3. Family members get their needs met. 
4. Mistakes are admitted. Mistakes are forgiven. Forgiveness is freely asked for and 
given. 
5. The atmosphere is one of spontaneity, fun and good humour. 
6. There is closeness. The family shares much, and feels strongly connected, yet 
each is an individual. 
7. The family relationships are characterized by: covenant commitment, 
empowerment, grace and intimacy. 
8. Members respect each other’s spiritual responsiveness to God. 
 
Additional Points to consider: 
9. Spiritual life is invitational and freely shared, rather than coercive and 
conforming. 
10. The family exists for the individual. In dysfunctional families the individual 
exists to keep the system in balance. 
11. Parents do what they say. They are self‐disciplined disciplinarians. 
12. Each twosome in the family can deal with their own problems. Triangulating is 
discouraged. 
13. Family members can be different – and they can function in different roles 
within the family. 
14. Relationships are dialogical and equal. The five freedoms are respected for each 
family member: 
a. The freedom to see and to hear what is now instead of what should be, 
could be, was, or will be. 
b. The freedom to feel what is felt now instead of what should be, could be, 
was or will be. 
c. The freedom to say what is now instead of what should be, could be, was 
or will be. 
d. The freedom to reach out for what you want instead of what you should 
want, not having to wait for someone to offer it to you. 
 
e. The freedom to take risks on your own behalf instead of only waiting for a 
change in the situation to make it possible for you to have what you want 
for yourself. 
15. There are clear boundaries (firm yet rigid): 
a. Between the family and the outside world; 
b. Between generations (parents and children – marriage is the primary 
relationship in the family); 
c. Between members in the family; 
d. Between sexes; 
 
Girls – What Matters 
Girls – what matters 
Confidence, humility and respect 
“Start children off in the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not 
turn from it.” Proverbs 22:6 
 
Confidence:Cultivat 
“And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be 
confident and unashamed before him at his coming.” (1 John 2:28) 
“Confidence emerges out of a strong sense of being somebody who belongs to God. 
With that comes a sense of giftedness and ability to make a contribution, and the 
boldness to speak one’s heart and mind. When our daughters are confident, they have 
assurance that they can accomplish meaningful tasks and that they have something 
valuable to contribute with their words and actions.” (McMinn, 68) 
 
How to instill confidence (McMinn, 69‐73): 
1. Stretch Your Daughters; 
2. Encourage Your Daughters to Think Well and Speak Up; 
3. Encourage Personal Development Apart from Structured Activities; 
 
Humility: 
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others 
above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of 
the others.” (Philippians 2:3) 
“The virtue of humility consists in keeping oneself within one's own bounds, not 
reaching out to things above one, but submitting to one's superior.” (Summa, Aquinas) 
 
How humility helps (Meeker, 77‐92): 
1. Humility Makes Her Feel Significant; 
2. Humility Strengthens Her Relationships; 
3. Humility Keeps Her Balanced; 
4. Humility Keeps Her Living in Reality; 
 
Respect: 
“Respect is the acknowledgment that someone or something has value; the showing of 
thoughtfulness and consideration;” (Respect, Wikipedia)  
“Teaching children to respect and honour siblings and other family members helps 
instill a good sense of obligation toward others that will ultimately help them establish 
significant communities throughout their lives.” (McMinn, 80) 
 
Questions: 
1. In what ways can you stretch your daughters in order to build their confidence? 
2. How do you balance confidence and humility? Don’t the two seem to contradict 
one another? 
3. Are you modeling a sense of confidence, humility and respect in your home? 
 
 
Affirmation, warmth, encouragement and protection 
Express Affirmation, Warmth and Encouragement (AWE—Based
Parenting)(Burns, pg. 30-46)
Having a Positive Attitude 
Relationships come in many different styles. There are positive and negative 
approaches to relationships. 
 
Shame‐Based Parenting 
This type of parenting typically consists of trying to shame your kids into doing 
what you expect of them. This tends to build a wall between the people involved and 
these words can be seen as “withdrawals” from the child’s “emotional bank 
account.” 
Examples of Shame‐Based Parenting (or Withdrawals): 
• Nagging;  • Fighting constantly with my 
• Belittling them;  spouse; 
• Being sarcastic;  • Talking about them negatively to 
• Making negative put‐downs;  others; 
• Criticizing;  • Showing favoritism; 
• Screaming;  • Being silent; 
• Never saying “I’m sorry”;  • Heaping guilt on them; 
• Being rude and irritable; 
AWE‐Based Parenting 
AWE stands for affirmation, warmth and encouragement. This is about building self‐
esteem and positive relationships with those around you, instead of the negative 
approach suggested above with shame‐based parenting. 
Consider these examples of AWE‐based parenting (or deposits): 
• Saying “I’m sorry” to my children  • Praying for them; 
when I blow it;  • Speaking with a tender tone of 
• Praising often;  voice; 
• Believing the best of them;  • Bragging about them; 
• Forgiving them;  • Playing together; 
• Hugging often;  • Listening to them (listening is the 
• Saying “I love you” every day;  language of love); 
• Writing thank‐you notes and love  • Spending time together; 
notes;  • Going out on special dates;
 
Affirmation 
You must believe in your children and you must let your children know this. “Young 
people need someone in their lives who believes in them, even when they can’t 
believe in themselves.” 
 
Warmth 
“For your family to have a sense of AWE, create a home environment of warmth and 
affection.” This might be easier said than done, but it can be done using baby steps. 
 
The important thing is to focus more on warm and caring relationships. Jim Burns 
suggests that by focusing in this way, chores and responsibilities will be less 
burdensome and may get done easier. 
 
Encouragement 
“When you encourage your children and your spouse, you have the unique ability to 
make them feel special.” Burns gives the example of two highly educated and 
successful business professionals who have put extremely high expectations on 
their daughter. Burns tells us that it can be problematic to place our expectations on 
our children. Instead, we should listen to our children’s goals and then help set 
reasonable expectations and to encourage our children in their pursuits. 
 
Discussion Starters 
1. Did you grow up in a family that used shame‐based parenting or AWE‐based 
parenting? How did it affect you? 
2. What specific steps can you take to enhance an environment of AWE in your 
family? What makes it difficult to take these steps? 
3. “Every child needs someone who is irrationally positive about them.” Did you 
have that person in your life? Who is or can become that person in the lives of 
your children? 
4. This topic applies equally well to marriage relationships. How can you apply 
these suggestions to your own marriage relationship to make it stronger and 
more positive? 
 
Good role models: Being the woman your daughter wants to become 
 
Today’s Exercise: As a group, define the character traits associated with “Being the 
woman your daughter wants to become.” 
 
Method: Use the “Green, Red, Blue” method to obtain this goal. 
 
 
In a nutshell: 
1. GREEN: Begin by thinking in “green”, which means, to brainstorm and collect as 
many ideas as possible. No idea is right or wrong during this phase of data 
collection. 
2. RED: Synthesize the material that was provided during the green phase. 
Categorize, evaluate and validate the items that were providing during the 
brainstorming portion of this exercise. 
3. BLUE: Formalize your response into a final answer. Review the items that were 
categorized in the red phase, decide upon a final answer and then present that 
final answer. 
 
Final Product: At the end of this exercise, you should have a list of personality traits 
or characteristics that describe, “Being the woman your daughter wants to become.” 
 
Good role models: Being the man your daughter wants to marry 
 
Today’s Exercise: As a group, define the character traits associated with “Being the 
man your daughter wants to marry.” 
 
Method: Use the “Green, Red, Blue” method to obtain this goal. 
 
 
In a nutshell: 
4. GREEN: Begin by thinking in “green”, which means, to brainstorm and collect as 
many ideas as possible. No idea is right or wrong during this phase of data 
collection. 
5. RED: Synthesize the material that was provided during the green phase. 
Categorize, evaluate and validate the items that were providing during the 
brainstorming portion of this exercise. 
6. BLUE: Formalize your response into a final answer. Review the items that were 
categorized in the red phase, decide upon a final answer and then present that 
final answer. 
 
Final Product: At the end of this exercise, you should have a list of personality traits 
or characteristics that describe, “Being the man your daughter wants to marry.” 
 
 
Boys & Girls – What Matters 
Boys – What Matters 
Cultivating Emotional Health 
Raising Emotionally Healthy Sons (Oliver, pg 43‐65) 
The Challenge of Growing Up Male: Emotional Health is often suppressed. Consider: 
• Infant boys receive fewer demonstrative acts of affection from their mothers 
and are touched less than infant girls; 
• When a child complains of a minor injury, parents are quicker to comfort 
girls than boys; 
• When boys become teenagers, they are told they must be prepared to be 
mutilated or die in our armed forces in order to protect women and children 
and the ideologies of their nation; 
• Replicated medical research suggests that boys bring what some have called 
a “biologically hardwired emotional disadvantage” to emotional and 
relational development; 
 
Why are emotions so important? Emotions help us understand ourselves and 
others. Emotions give flavour to our interaction. Some of the consequences of 
inadequate emotional development include: 
• A partial and inadequate knowledge of self; 
• An increased tendency to find your identity, meaning, and purpose in life 
from getting approval and affirmation from other people; 
• A blurred vision of what is normal; 
• Poor physical health; 
• Increased tendency to become codependent and become involved in 
unhealthy and one‐sided relationships; 
• Arrested emotional development hinders our ability to relate to God and 
hear his voice; 
• When we withhold our emotions, it can keep others from knowing who we 
really are; 
• When we don’t share our emotions with others, they don’t know what is 
most important to us. If we don’t have an appropriate emotional response, 
we not only lose out on getting our needs met but rob others of the 
opportunity to give to us in our time of need. Concealing our emotions only 
increases isolation, leads to misunderstanding, and causes everyone to lose; 
• Researchers have found that even more than IQ, our emotional awareness 
and ability to handle feelings will determine our success and happiness in all 
walks of life, including family relationships. 
 
Benefits of emotional intelligence include: 
• Being able to regulate their own emotional states; 
• Better at soothing themselves when they were upset; 
• Had fewer infectious illnesses; 
• Better at focusing and attending; 
• Better at understanding people; 
• Better at situations in school that required academic performance; 
 
What is Emotional Intelligence? 
1. Self Awareness  Emotional Self‐Awareness 
  Accurate Self‐Assessment 
Self‐Confidence 
2. Self‐Management  Emotional Self‐Control 
  Transparency 
Adaptability 
Achievement Orientation 
Initiative 
Optimism 
3. Social Awareness  Empathy 
  Organizational Awareness 
Service Orientation 
4. Relationship Management  Developing Others 
  Inspirational Leadership 
Change Catalyst 
Influence 
Conflict Management 
Teamwork and Collaboration 
 
Six Steps to Cultivating an Emotionally Healthy Son: 
1. Cultivate His Identity as an Image Bearer 
a. If we help our boys develop a clear sense of what it means to be in Christ, 
to have been made in the image of God, and to have been redeemed by the 
Son of God, their identity will be person‐based (who they are in Christ) 
and not performance‐based (what they do on their own). 
2. Understand the Significance of Healthy Emotions for Spiritual, Intellectual and 
Relational Growth 
a. If you don’t get it yet, re‐read today’s notes. 
3. Be Aware of Your Own Emotions 
a. How you act influences what your kids will pick up. 
4. Be Aware of Each Boy’s Emotional Responses and Unique Patterns 
a. Remember, each child is different. Andtherefore, they need to be treated 
differently. 
5. Listen Emphatically, Validate Feelings, and Help Verbally Label Emotions 
a. Important points, all. 
6. Set Appropriate Limits While Helping to Discover Healthy Ways to Express and 
Deal with Emotions 
a. Equip your kids to deal with their emotions. Coach them on how to 
develop the skills discussed in today’s class. 
 
 
 
Respect, discipline and self‐control: 
As we discussed last week, self‐control is a key attribute that boys need to have 
nurtured. Respect for others is an important building block in the development of 
boys’ perception of authority in the world. Without respect, discipline and self‐
control cannot prosper. 
Respect: 
“Respect is the acknowledgment that someone or something has value; the showing of 
thoughtfulness and consideration;” (Respect, Wikipedia)  
“Teaching children to respect and honour siblings and other family members helps 
instill a good sense of obligation toward others that will ultimately help them establish 
significant communities throughout their lives.” (McMinn, 80) 
 
Discipline: 
Read Hebrews 12:5‐17: (see back of today’s handout) 
In this section: 
Why discipline? – (Heb 12:6) 
• God’s discipline demonstrates his love; 
What is the purpose? (Heb 12:10) 
• God’s discipline allows us to “share in his holiness”; 
How do we show discipline? (Heb 12:1‐2) 
• We “run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by 
keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish.” 
What are the results of disciplined living? (Heb 12:14‐17) 
• Live in peace, live a clean and holy life, look out for each other, have faith and 
watch out for others that may fall into immorality or become godless.  
Our challenge: (Heb 12:7) 
• God disciplines us in the same way that a parent disciplines a child. Thus, we 
need to heed God’s discipline. We also need to discipline our children in the 
same way that God disciplines us. 
Note the two different disciplines being discussed here: 
1. Discipline = punishment; 
2. Discipline = self‐control; 
 
We use discipline to punish or enforce boundaries. We teach discipline (or self‐
control) to instill a sense of strength and holiness in each one of us. This leads to 
true happiness and to a sense of satisfactory living. 
 
Discussion questions: 
1. Is respect demanded or earned? 
2. In what areas of our lives do we need to show and receive respect? 
3. How does God discipline us?  Can we apply these same methods to our children? 
4. Is self‐control a desirable goal? 
5. Is holiness an adequate motivator to develop self‐control? 
 
 
 
Hebrews 12:5‐17 (New Living Translation): 
1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of 
faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily 
trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.2 We do this 
by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.* 
Because of the joy* awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he 
is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne.3 Think of all the hostility he 
endured from sinful people;* then you won't become weary and give up.4 After all, you 
have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. 
5 And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children?* He 
said, 
 
"My child,* don't make light of the LORD's discipline, 
  and don't give up when he corrects you. 
6 For the LORD disciplines those he loves, 
  and he punishes each one he accepts as his child."* (Proverbs 3:1112) 
 
7 As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own 
children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father?8 If God 
doesn't discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate 
and are not really his children at all.9 Since we respected our earthly fathers who 
disciplined us, shouldn't we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our 
spirits, and live forever?* 
  10 For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew 
how. But God's discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his 
holiness.11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it's painful! But afterward 
there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. 
  12 So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees.13 Mark 
out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but 
become strong. 
 
A Call to Listen to God 
14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who 
are not holy will not see the Lord.15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to 
receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to 
trouble you, corrupting many.16 Make sure that no one is immoral or godless like 
Esau, who traded his birthright as the firstborn son for a single meal.17 You know that 
afterward, when he wanted his father's blessing, he was rejected. It was too late for 
repentance, even though he begged with bitter tears. 
 
 
Differences between boys & girls 
Medical research suggests that physical differences translate into behavioural, 
learning and developmental differences between the genders. Thus, it is important 
to understand some of the differences of the sexes. 
 
The following was taken from:  
Raising Boys and Girls: Differences in Physical Development 
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_raising‐boys‐and‐girls‐differences‐in‐
physical‐development_3659005.pc?scid=pcbulletin_20081028:4&pe=2TY9S2q 
 
Gender identity 
Children begin to identify themselves as a boy or a girl as early as 18 months. But it's 
between the ages of 2 and 6 that they begin to identify with others of their sex and 
demonstrate play and other behaviors that are characteristic of that sex. Most social 
scientists agree that an interplay of nature and nurture determines how these 
gender roles play out. 
 
Physical growth 
Between the big growth stages of infancy and adolescence, boys and girls grow in 
height and weight at about the same slow‐but‐steady rate. There aren't notable 
differences between the sexes until late elementary school, when girls start to grow 
taller faster, although boys catch up and exceed them within a few years. 
 
Motor skills 
Boys' gross motor skills (running, jumping, balancing) tend to develop slightly 
faster, while girls' fine motor skills (holding a pencil, writing) improve first. Often 
girls show an interest in art (painting, coloring, crafts) before boys for this reason. 
 
Boys are also more physically aggressive and impulsive, as revealed by studies of 
their brains. The pleasure center of the brain actually lights up more for boys when 
they take risks. That's not to say that girls aren't active and risk‐taking, only that on 
average boys are more so. 
 
Verbal skills 
More boys than girls are late talkers, and boys use more limited vocabularies. Girls 
are better at reading nonverbal signs, like tone of voice and expression, which also 
makes them better communicators early on, as they can connect feelings and words 
faster. 
This is something you can focus on when reading books with boys: Point out 
characters' emotions, so boys start to notice how others are feeling. 
 
Toilet training 
Girls are potty‐trained earlier than boys on average, though it's unclear whether this 
is due to physical differences or differences in socialization. (Mom usually does the 
training and may be easier for a girl to identify with.) Fewer girls wet the bed, too. 
 
Leonard Sax, MD, PhD, Author of “Why Gender Matters” 
http://www.whygendermatters.com/ 
 
The brain develops differently. In girls, the language areas of the brain develop 
before the areas used for spatial relations and for geometry. In boys, it's the other 
way around. A curriculum which ignores those differences will produce boys who 
can't write and girls who think they're "dumb at math."  
 
The brain is wired differently. In girls, emotion is processed in the same area of 
the brain that processes language. So, it's easy for most girls to talk about their 
emotions. In boys, the brain regions involved in talking are separate from the 
regions involved in feeling. The hardest question for many boys to answer is: "Tell 
me how you feel." 
 
Girls hear better. The typical teenage girl has a sense of hearing seven times more 
acute than a teenage boy. That's why daughters so often complain that their fathers 
are shouting at them. Dad doesn't think he's shouting, but Dad doesn't hear his voice 
the way his daughter does.  
 
Girls and boys respond to stress differently ‐ not just in our species, but in every 
mammal scientists have studied. Stress enhances learning in males. The same stress 
impairs learning in females. 
 
Brain Differences: http://www.genderdifferences.org/research‐brain.htm 
By 26 weeks gestation, a fetus’ brain can be identified as male or female. 
Physically, men’s and women’s brains differ significantly. 
Some Functional differences: 
• Language – men use a small portion of their brain, typically on one side only. 
Women tend to use more of the brain, on both hemispheres, for the same 
task. 
• Navigation – women use landmarks, men use abstracts like “north” or 
“south”, along with absolute distance. 
• Emotion – female brains “evolve” to better develop the ability to express 
emotion during adolescence. In men, this physical brain development does 
not occur. Thus, “asking a 17‐year‐old boy to talk about his feelings is about 
as productive as asking a 6‐year‐old boy to talk about his feelings.” 
 
Additional articles of interest: 
Learning Style Differences: 
• http://www.genderdifferences.org/research‐learning.htm 
The Truth About Boys by Leonard Sax: 
http://www.perseuspromos.com/boysadrift/2007/07/truth‐about‐boys.html 
The New Gender Divide, At Colleges, Women Are Leaving Men in the Dust: 
• http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/09/education/09college.html?_r=1&pag
ewanted=all&oref=slogin 
 
Workshop: 3 biblical scenarios 
Today, we’re going to do some group work: 
1. Split up into groups of 4 or 5; 
2. Each group will take one of the three questions listed below; 
3. Take 25 minutes to formulate a response; 
4. Present your group’s response to the class (5 minutes per group); 
 
GROUP 1: Corporal Punishment or Gentle Leading? 
“Those who spare the rod hate their children, 
but those who love them are careful to discipline them.” 
  (Proverbs 13:24) 
Questions: 
1. What is the “rod”, in this case? 
a. Is it a stick used to punish or physically hit with? 
b. Is it a shepherd’s staff used to gently “guide” a parent’s “flock”? 
c. Or is it something else? 
2. How can we apply this verse to parenting our own children? 
 
GROUP 2: Are there traditional roles within the family that can’t be redefined? 
1. Are there some roles/activities/behaviours that simply can’t be shared between 
the sexes? 
2. If yes, what are they? 
3. What prevents these behaviours from crossing the gender barrier? 
 
GROUP 3: Your 9 year old child comes to you and asks, “If God is good, why did 
he let me fall and break my leg?  (or, insert your own example of pain or 
setback here) The pain is too much to stand. What does God have to do with 
this? Doesn’t God love me?” 
1. How do you respond? 
2. Suggested verses to help respond include: 
o Psalm 139:13‐18; 
o Hebrews 12:5=7; 
o 2 Corinthians 12:7‐10; 
o Numerous other verses – use the concordance! 
 
 
 
Discipline with Consistency 
Parent Training 
“Happy, healthy families have clearly expressed expectations with positive 
limits, boundaries and consistent discipline. And it isn’t only the children who 
need to be taught. Parents are often the ones who need more help with 
discipline than their children.” 
 
Jim Burns tells a story about training a new puppy. Jim takes the puppy to an 
obedience school for some lessons. The first class doesn’t involve the dogs at all… it 
is completely focused on the owners. This is important, as the trainer tells the group 
that, “Excellent dog training is at least two‐thirds training the humans, the easiest 
part is working with the dogs.” 
 
The trainer then shares his “four instructions”, which the trainer actually obtained 
from a parenting class at his local church (the trainer was a student of Jim’s in a 
previous parenting class). 
1. Show lots of love; 
2. Discipline with consistency; 
3. Set limits and boundaries; and 
4. Express your expectations clearly; 
Let’s take a closer look at each of these 
“instructions”. 
  “Disciplining our children 
Show Lots of Love  consistently is the most 
We’ve covered this one already in previous  difficult part of being 
classes.  parents. We establish the 
  rules, we set the boundaries, 
Discipline with Consistency 
This is the key to maintaining order and 
and then we allow the rules 
balance in the face of potential discipline  to be broken.” 
challenges in the family. As Jim tells us, “We   
establish the rules, we set the boundaries, 
and then we allow the rules to be broken by 
people who are one‐third our age and have one‐third our experience – usually when 
we want to be liked or we’re too tired to do what’s right.” 
 
It is important to be consistent, because if we aren’t, then we fail our children in a 
very important way. Jim tells us that our children require discipline and limits and 
that they will love us and respect us more for building these rules and enforcing 
them. 
 
And, it is important to our children’s development to understand how to follow 
rules. This is a much needed skill throughout life and failing to teach our children 
proper discipline can result in numerous problems down the road. What kind of 
problems can you think of that might occur if discipline is withheld? 
 
Choices and Consequences 
Jim provides a great step by step method to engage your children in setting limits 
and enforcing them. He suggests the following steps: 
1. Involve your children in consequential decision making – Basically, negotiate 
the boundaries and decide, together, upon the consequences to breaking 
those boundaries. 
2. Make sure that the consequences fit the crime – Don’t panic at the earliest 
sign of rebellion. Keep calm and be consistent. Kids can smell fear and 
overreaction a mile away. Don’t ever let them see you sweat! 
3. Discipline calmly – It is important to remain calm. You’re the parent. Keep a 
level head. If you lose your cool, you’ve lost. If you can’t keep your cool, delay 
the discipline until a time when you can engage your children in a calm 
manner. 
4. Express your expectations clearly – Make sure that you and your kids 
understand the rules. It’s not fair to discipline for something that was not 
clearly articulated. If you must, write down your expectations. 
 
How to Keep Your Child’s Spirit Open 
It is important not to drive your child away when you discipline. You must nurture 
your child, even when you are correcting them. Consider the following suggestions 
to help keep your child’s spirit open: 
1. Do not nag; 
2. Choose your battles wisely; 
3. Show empathy; and 
4. Do not discipline in anger; 
 
Discussion Starters 
1. How would you describe the type of discipline you received growing up? 
2. In what ways is your discipline similar to your parents’ and in what ways is it 
different? 
3. Have you ever used a contract for your child? Did it work? 
4. What elements in your life make it difficult, at times, to keep your child’s spirit 
open? 
 
Marriage Matters 
Foundations of a Healthy Marriage 
A Secure Foundation (Bellesi, pg 23‐35) 
Without a secure foundation, a marriage cannot possibly flourish. Thus, we 
start this section entitled, “Marriage Matters”, by discussing how to develop a secure 
foundation in a marriage relationship. 
 
Denny and Leesa Bellesi suggest that we use Genesis 2 to investigate what they 
suggest are “five essentials mentioned in this passage that make up what we 
believe God says forms a secure foundation on which to build a lasting marriage 
relationship.” 
 
1. A Common Desire 
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper 
who is just right for him." – Genesis 2:18 
• “The word helper means, by definition, and literally in the Hebrew, one who 
matches him, one who compliments him.” (Bellesi, pg 25) 
• Thus, this helper isn’t a maid, a servant or a roommate. 
• This helper is an equal, a partner, a companion. 
• There is a common desire for companionship. 
 
So the LORD God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the 
sky. He brought them to the man* to see what he would call them, and the man chose a 
name for each one.20 He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all 
the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. – Genesis 2:1920 
 
2. A Common Appreciation 
So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the 
LORD God took out one of the man's ribs* and closed up the opening.22 Then the LORD 
God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.   23 "At last!" the 
man exclaimed. "This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be 
called 'woman,' because she was taken from 'man.'" – Genesis 2:2123 
• “By appreciation we mean recognition, understanding and respect of both 
the similarities and the unique differences between a husband and a wife as a 
man and a woman.” (Bellesi, pg 27) 
• This person is both very much like me – she came from the same stuff as me – 
and at the same time, she is uniquely different. WOW! 
• The man appreciates the woman in this way and vice versa. 
 
3. A Common Commitment 
This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the 
two are united into one. – Genesis 2:24 
• Two key words here: “leave” and “cleave”. 
• “It’s being willing to forsake all others to be united to one person.” 
 
• “It’s leaving the previous securities of home and parents and 
independence to create a new security, a new home, a new priority of 
loyalties to one person, and a new interdependence that begins the 
process of a whole new way of life.” (Bellesi, pg. 30) 
 
4. A Common Trust 
Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. – Genesis 2:25 
• Naked = open, vulnerable and transparent before each other. (Bellesi, pg 32) 
• They felt safe in each other’s presence. 
• How comfortable do you feel in your partner’s presence? 
• How safe do you feel to express your insecurities and your failures and your 
dreams and desires to your partner? 
• In truth, many of us do not feel safe enough to share our most intimate 
insecurities, failures, etc. with our partners. 
• And, put another way: How safe does your partner feel in your presence? 
 
5. A Common Conviction 
There is a common thread throughout this section of Genesis 2 – the conviction that 
the man and woman feel towards one another and their common faith in the Lord as 
the very centre of their marriage relationship (Bellesi, pg. 32). 
 
Consider these additional verses: 
• “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.” – Psalm 127:1. 
• Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one 
person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in 
real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other 
warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be 
attacked and defeated, but two can stand backtoback and conquer. Three are 
even better, for a triplebraided cord is not easily broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:9‐12 
 
Discussion starters: 
1. On a scale of one to ten (with one being the lowest and ten being the highest), 
how would you rate your ability to be friends with each other? 
2. On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate your ability to respect your differences? 
3. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your present level of commitment 
to each other? Is it the same as it once was? 
4. On a scale of one to ten, how safe do you feel with each other? 
5. What are some of the things that you don’t feel like you can share with your 
partner? 
6. What can you do to create a climate of safety and trust with each other? 
7. What is the shape of your relationship with God on a scale of one to ten, both 
individually and as a couple? 
 
 
Love and Respect 
Taken from the book Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. 
So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must 
respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:33. 
The Crazy Cycle: 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The Crazy Cycle ‐ Some helpful tips: 
• “Men hear criticism as contempt; Women feel silence as hostility.” 
• Unconditional Respect – is it possible? (1 Peter 2:17‐18) 
• Respect is a man’s deepest desire. 
• Husbands: Do not say, “I told you so!” 
• Conflict and criticism makes men feel disrespected. 
• A wife’s self‐image may depend on her husband’s approval. 
• Men need to feel respect – this can take many forms. 
• Women need to feel love – this can take many forms. 
 
The Energizing Cycle: 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
COUPLE – How to Spell Love to Your Wife: 
• Closeness – She wants you to be close 
• Openness – She wants you to open up to her 
• Understanding – Don’t try to “fix” her; Just listen 
• Peacemaking – She wants you to say, “I’m sorry” 
• Loyalty –She needs to know you’re committed 
• Esteem – She wants you to honour and cherish her 
 
CHAIRS – How to Spell Respect to Your Husband: 
• Conquest – Apreciate his desire to work and achieve 
• Hierarchy – Appreciate his desire to protect and provide 
• Authority – Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead 
• Insight – Appreciate his desire to analyze and control 
• Relationship – Appreciate his desire for shoulder‐to‐shoulder friendship 
• Sexuality – Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy 
 
Always ask yourself: 
• Is what I am about to say or do going to feel unloving to her? 
• Is what I am about to say or do going to feel disrespectful to him? 
 
Things to remember: 
• Even though feeling disrespected, pull back from being unloving toward her. 
• Even though feeling unloved, pull back from being disrespectful toward him. 
• When she is being critical or angry, she is crying out for your love; her intent 
is not to be disrespectful. 
• When he is being harsh, or stonewalling you, he is crying out for respect; his 
intent is not to be unloving. 
• If you defend your lack of love, she will feel unloved. 
• If you defend your lack of respect, he will feel disrespected. 
• If you have failed to love her, do something loving. 
• If you have failed to respect him, do something respectful. 
• The best way to motivate her is by meeting her need for love. 
• The best way to motivate him is by meeting his need for respect. 
 
1. Are love and respect the same thing? 
2. Define love. 
3. Define respect. 
4. Do you agree or disagree with the premise behind today’s class (men need 
respect, women need love)? 
 
Emotional Intelligence 
Taken from the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. And, thanks to 
Wikipedia for some great summary information as well. 
 
“Emotional Intelligence (EI), describes a concept that involves the ability, capacity, 
skill or a self‐perceived ability, to identify, assess, and manage the emotions of one's 
self, of others, and of groups. Because it is a relatively new area of psychological 
research, the concept is constantly changing.” (taken from Wikipedia.org) 
 
The model introduced by Daniel Goleman focuses on EI as a wide array of 
competencies and skills that drive leadership performance. Goleman's model 
outlines four main EI constructs: 
1. Self‐awareness — the ability to read one's emotions and recognize their impact 
while using gut feelings to guide decisions. 
2. Self‐management — involves controlling one's emotions and impulses and 
adapting to changing circumstances. 
3. Social awareness — the ability to sense, understand, and react to others' 
emotions while comprehending social networks. 
4. Relationship management — the ability to inspire, influence, and develop others 
while managing conflict. 
 
“Emotional competencies are not innate talents, but rather learned capabilities that 
must be worked on and developed to achieve outstanding performance. Goleman 
posits that individuals are born with a general emotional intelligence that 
determines their potential for learning emotional competencies.” (taken from 
Wikipedia.org) 
 
Useful skills in exercising Emotional Intelligence 
Emotional Skills: 
• Identifying and labeling feelings; 
• Expressing feelings; 
• Assessing the intensity of feelings; 
• Managing feelings; 
• Delaying gratification; 
• Controlling impulses; 
• Reducing stress; 
• Knowing the difference between feelings and actions; 
(Taken from “Appendix D” of the book, Emotional Intelligence 
 
The Self Science Curriculum: 
This section is “Appendix E” of the book, Emotional Intelligence: 
The main components of the “self development” suggested by EI, are: 
1. Selfawareness: observing yourself and recognizing your feelings, building a 
vocabulary of feelings, knowing the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and 
reactions. 
 
2. Personal decision making: examining your actions and knowing their 
consequences; knowing if thought or feeling is ruling a decision; applying these 
insights to issues such as sex and drugs. 
3. Managing feelings: monitoring “self‐talk” to catch negative messages such as 
internal put‐downs; realizing what is behind a feeling (e.g. the hurt that 
underlies anger); finding ways to handle fears and anxieties, anger, and sadness. 
4. Handling stress: learning the value of exercise, guided imagery, relaxation 
methods. 
5. Empathy: understanding others’ feelings and concerns and taking their 
perspective; appreciating the differences in how people feel about things. 
6. Communications: talking about feelings effectively; becoming a good listener 
and question‐asker; distinguishing between what someone does or says and 
your own reactions or judgments about it; sending “I” messages instead of 
blame. 
7. Selfdisclosure: valuing openness and building trust in a relationship; knowing 
when it’s safe to risk talking about your private feelings. 
8. Insight: identifying patterns in your emotional life and reactions; recognizing 
similar patterns in others. 
9. Selfacceptance: feeling pride and seeing yourself in a positive light; 
recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, being able to laugh at yourself. 
10. Personal responsibility: taking responsibility; recognizing the consequences of 
your decisions and actions, accepting your feelings and moods, following 
through on commitments (e.g. to studying). 
11. Assertiveness: stating your concerns and feelings without anger or passivity. 
12. Group dynamics: cooperation; knowing when and how to lead, when to follow. 
13. Conflict resolution: how to fight fair with other kids, with parents, with 
teachers; the win/win model for negotiating compromise. 
(taken from Emotional Intelligence, pg 303‐304.) 
 
Criticisms of Emotional Intelligence: 
1. EI is too broadly defined and the definitions are unstable; 
2. EI cannot be recognized as a form of intelligence; 
3. EI has no substantial predictive value; 
4. Ability based measures are measuring conformity, not ability; 
5. Ability based measures are measuring knowledge (not actual ability); 
6. Self report measures are susceptible to faking good 
7. Claims for the predictive power of EI are too extreme; 
8. EI, IQ and job performance; 
 
1. Is this a valuable topic of discussion? 
2. What value do you think this adds to your relationships with others? 
3. In what ways do you think you could apply this topic to your marriage 
relationship? 
 
Setting goals and priorities 
Setting Goals and Priorities in Your Marriage (Harvey, pg. 139‐150) 
“By design, a marriage is supposed to grow. Remember, we are in process. And 
being in process, there is probably nothing more important in encouraging this 
growth to occur than for you to have goals and priorities for your relationship.” 
(Harvey, pg 140) 
 
Planning makes all the difference 
We must create a “plan to keep your love alive, no matter what”. 
Some statistics: (Harvey, pg 141) 
• “Most divorces occur for couples married less than five years” 
• “The proportion of divorces is highest for couples married three years” 
• The highest ranked problematic issue was “balancing time and relationship” 
• Second most problematic issue: “frequency of sexual relations” 
• “Research tells us there is a significant drop in sexual activity after two years 
of marriage.” 
Question: do you think there is a relationship between these statistics? 
• If you aren’t spending enough time with your spouse, then your emotional 
connection is going to suffer. And from that, your physical intimacy will 
suffer as well. 
Thus, it is important to plan to keep your marriage alive. But how do we do this? 
 
Three basic marriage goals 
We need to make “a decision to hold your commitment to the needs of the 
relationship over personal comfort.” 
 
1. Choosing to deal: (Harvey, pg 143) 
• “Dealing is a term that describes how well you handle conflict in your 
relationship. […] Establishing the goal of facing and dealing with your anger 
is done to protect your marriage.” 
2. Choosing to share: (Harvey, pg 145) 
• “The sharing of yourself, who you are, your dreams, why you think as you do, 
your fears.” 
• Sharing “isn’t necessarily easy – and it definitely requires that you take a risk 
– but it is this type of behaviour that helps you reach your goal of an intimate 
marriage.” 
3. Choosing to give: (Harvey, pg 146) 
• Does this sound familiar: “I’m always the giver, and he’s always the taker. It’s 
his way or no way. And I’m fed up with it.” 
• “Mutuality is key in a marriage. […] Marriage is going to cost you something.” 
• “That means you have to intend to be giving.” 
• “Look for ways to give to your mate. Learn his or her love languages. Seek to 
do the things that he or she truly values.” 
Prioritize your marriage, make it important, give it the love that it needs to grow, 
and nurture it to its fullest. 
 
Sexual intimacy 
Taken from Love Is A Decision by John Smalley and John Trent.
Chapter 10: Keeping Courtship Alive in Marriage
Romance is the act of keeping your courtship alive long after the wedding day.
Smalley offers three ways of keeping courtship alive with our spouse. They are:
1. Developing a deep level of friendship through shared interests;
• We must grow a friendship of shared interests with our spouses.
• Remember last week’s suggestion to become “students of our spouses’ interests”
2. Discovering each other’s relational “tens” and making plans to make them happen;
• Ask your spouse, “on a scale of one to ten, what’s a romantic ten to you?”
• Write those things down!
• Follow up on them!
3. Celebrate the Moments of your life;
• Recognize your spouse’s contributions to your life.
• Celebrate this recognition through tangible experiences that will remain
memorable.
The cardinal rules of romance:

1. Make sure the romantic activity you’re involved in receives your full, undivided
attention;
2. Make sure you’re doing the activity for your spouse’s best interests, not yours.
For Twenty Creative, Romantic Ideas That Cost under $20: See page 141.
Chapter 11: Sex Is Much More Than Physical Intimacy

“Does physical intimacy mean the same to a man as it does to a woman? Hardly.”
The basic physical need of a man:
• In most cases, the sexual act. Coming in a close second, nonsexual touching.
The basic physical need of a woman:
• Meaningful communication, nonsexual touching, and then sex.
This is where the tremendous value of a man is required. Men need to nurture their
relationships in order for them to flourish. At the heart of nurturing our loves ones are
providing:
• Deep-seated security;
• Meaningful conversation;
• Emotional/romantic times; and
• Positive physical touching;
Two important characteristics are required for intimate relations. They are:
Purity of character: This requires being honest, dedicated, comforting and emotionally
available.
Showing honour and respect: Encourage your spouse, don’t put them down, don’t put
unfair or disrespectful demands upon your spouse, love and appreciate the uniqueness
and beauty of your spouse.
 
Group discussion:
1. In what ways do you keep courtship alive in your relationship?
2. On a scale of one to ten, what’s a romantic ten to you?
3. What is one recent “moment of recognition” that you would like to celebrate for your
spouse?
4. What are some creative, romantic ideas?
5. What are some barriers to romantic behaviour? What would it take to remove these
romantic barriers?
6. Do you agree with the differences in the basic physical needs of men and women as
defined in this week’s handout? Why or why not?
7. How do the differences in male-female physical needs affect your attitude toward
your partner?
8. It is as important for a man to have feelings of adequacy as it is for a woman to have

her need for intimacy fulfilled. How can a wife motivate her husband through her
acceptance of him as a man who has different thought patterns and emotions than she
has?
9. Where does the responsibility to maintain a healthy physical relationship lie, with the
husband, with the wife, or with both? In what ways can each spouse contribute to this
aspect of a relationship?
 
 
 
 
 
Playing Together 
If a man insisted on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and 
relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it. (Arp, pg. 151‐
163) 
 
Secret One: Develop the Dating Habit 
There are plenty of excuses as to why couples don’t date. But, instead of excuses, 
focus on the reasons “why you should date”: 
1. Dating helps you focus on your marriage; 
2. Dating restores your communication; 
3. Dating prevents boredom; 
4. Dating builds your relationship; 
 
How mates can date: 
1. Proposal date – go to a public place and ask your mate to marry you again. 
Reminisce about your first dates, how you first met, etc. 
2. Workout date – Exercise together. 
3. Photo date – Go on a date to somewhere scenic, bring along a camera, and take 
some pictures of one another. 
4. Window shopping date – Go shopping together when the stores are closed. That 
way, you don’t spend money. You just look from afar. 
5. Home Depot date – Discuss home reno projects and what you’d like to do around 
the house. 
6. Formal dinner in the park date – Picnic in the sun or under the stars. 
7. Back roads date – take a drive in the country and see where it takes you. 
8. Gourmet cooking date – Attempt a fancy dinner together: plan the meal, buy the 
groceries, and cook it together. 
9. I’m just‐too‐tired date – put the kids to bed, order take‐out, turn on the 
answering machine, pop in a video and just relax and enjoy each other. 
 
What not to do on a date: 
1. Don’t talk about your kids. You already talk about them all the time. 
2. Don’t chat about in‐laws. It might lead to a fight. 
3. Don’t go to the movies. You can’t interact. 
4. Don’t discuss money. For many couples, this is a tense topic. 
 
 
 
Secret Two: Give the Gift of Encouragement 
• Look for ways to give each other compliments; 
• Write each other love notes; 
• Have special kisses; 
• Handle conflict with a light touch; 
• Have pet names for one another; 
• Have shared goals that are bigger than each one of you; 
 
“Take Marriage Vitamins”: 
• Hug each other for twenty seconds each day; 
• Leave a loving message on your partner’s voice mail or e‐mail; 
• Give your mate an unexpected little gift; 
• Clean the toilet without being asked; 
• Put toothpaste on your spouse’s toothbrush while he or she is in the shower; 
• Give your spouse a one‐minute shoulder rub; 
• Rent your favourite old movie from your dating days to watch together; 
 
Secret Three: Keep the Passion Alive 
1. Find a weekly time – schedule time for intimacy; 
2. Take the initiative – Plan for fun. Spend time thinking about loving your partner; 
3. Choose to be creative – Step outside of the box. Plan a weekend away, think of 
new ways to be romantic; 
4. Kiss for ten seconds every morning when you say goodbye and every evening 
when you say hello; 
5. Flirt with each other. Even when there isn’t time for sex, make sure your mate 
knows you want to. 
6. While getting ready for bed, light a scented candle and turn on some romantic 
music on the radio or CD player; 
7. Pull down the covers on the bed and leave a candy mint on the pillow; 
8. Spend time talking about loving each other; 
9. Tell your mate ten reasons you’d marry him or her all over again; 
10. Buy a new mood music tape or CD; 
 
 
 
Creating your own traditions 
Tradition is entirely different from habit, even from an excellent habit, since habit is by 
definition an unconscious acquisition and tends to become mechanical, whereas 
tradition results from a conscious and deliberate acceptance… Tradition presupposes 
the reality of what endures. (Parrott, pg. 164 – 171) 
 
Many relationships start strong, with the heat of passion turned up full blast. Think 
of Romeo and Juliet, Brad and Angelina, etc. But, this initial passion rarely lasts. Add 
going to work, paying the bills, grocery shopping and changing diapers to the mix, 
and you will soon find that passion fades, fizzles or at the very least, simmers at a 
lower heat. 
 
“You can’t expect your marriages to be a long‐running cinematic fairly tale. Those 
couples who hold on to this faulty expectation end up drinking the poison of 
adultery or trading partners to reinvent the fantasy, hoping that this time they’ll get 
it right.” (Parrott, 165) 
 
The Secret to Long Lasting Love 
Do everything you can in your first few years of marriage to establish habits and 
traditions of loving behaviour. 
 
Categories of traditions: 
1. The little ones – Have you ever been bitten by an elephant? Probably not. Have 
you ever been bitten by a mosquito? Probably so. This illustrates that the little 
things mean a lot. 
o How you say goodbye in the morning or greet each other at night; 
o Say please and thank you; 
o Are you more polite with strangers than you are with your spouse? 
2. Make dating a habit – Make time for regular couple time, with no distractions. 
o Go out for dinner, go to a movie or for a long romantic walk; 
o Consider an overnight stay at a hotel every few months and a one‐week 
vacation every year; 
o It’s important to make this couple time, even after kids arrive; 
3. Create holiday traditions of your own: 
o When two people come together, they bring distinct traditions with them. 
o Each person’s traditions needs to be respected; 
o Try to make your own traditions, distinct from individual traditions; 
o “It’s important that as you blend your marriage together you keep some 
holidays for your own traditions and discuss ways to blend.” (Parrott, 
170) 
 
1. Do you find “the little ones” tough to do? 
2. Have you had challenges deciding between conflicting traditions – different 
expectations for Christmas, for example? How did you resolve these items?
 
Moms & Dads – What Matters? 
Maslow’s Hierarchy and parental needs 
 
Abraham Maslow has, for over 50 years, provided a valuable model for 
understanding human behaviour and motivation. Let’s use Maslow’s model as a 
starting point to generate a helpful model of parental motivation and needs. 
 
 
 
Using this model as a starting point, let’s discuss: 
1. Do you understand your needs and how they map to Maslow’s diagram? 
2. Do you think that your needs have changed since you have had children? If yes, 
how? 
3. There is bound to be a tension between your needs and the time, energy and 
resources that you have available to fulfill those needs: 
a. Describe some of those tensions; 
b. What barriers currently exist to meeting all of your needs; 
c. Do you think there will come a time when your needs will become 
primary again? 
4. Is it healthy or selfish to try and fulfill your own needs at the expense of those 
around you?
 
Importance of Self 
In psychology, selfesteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or 
her own worth. 
 
Selfesteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent/incompetent") and 
emotions (for example, triumph/despair, pride/shame). Behavior may reflect self
esteem (for example, assertiveness/shyness, confidence/caution). 
 
Psychologists usually regard selfesteem as an enduring personality characteristic 
(trait selfesteem), though normal, shortterm variations (state selfesteem) occur. 
 
Selfesteem can apply specifically to a particular dimension (for example, "I believe I 
am a good writer, and feel proud of that in particular") or have global extent (for 
example, "I believe I am a good person, and feel proud of myself in general"). 
 
Synonyms or nearsynonyms of selfesteem include: selfworth, selfregard, selfrespect, 
selflove (which can express overtones of selfpromotion), selfintegrity. Selfesteem is 
distinct from selfconfidence and selfefficacy, which involve beliefs about ability and 
future performance. (Self‐esteem, Wikipedia) 
 
1. Do you think it is important to encourage “development of self” within a 
marriage relationship? Why or why not? 
2. In what ways can an individual become “lost” in a marriage/family relationship? 
3. How can a couple encourage development of self within a marriage relationship? 
4. Are certain characteristics required in a marriage before development of self can 
comfortably be developed? (for example: security, comfort with your spouse, 
etc.)? 
5. In what ways can lack of self harm a marriage relationship? 
 
 
What matters to moms 
Today’s class is all about moms. What matters to moms? What do moms want? What 
do moms need? 
 
Today we’re going to let the moms do the talking. And guys, we’re just going to 
listen. No judgments, no rebuttals, no disagreeing, no nothing. Just listen. 
 
Moms, today is your day to offer some insight into what matters to you. Brainstorm. 
Let it all out.  
 
The goal is to make sure that nothing is left unsaid in terms of “what matters to 
moms”. At least then, if the guys still don’t know, well… it’ll be their own fault. 
 
1. What matters to moms? 
2. What do moms want? 
3. What do moms need? 
4. What matters to moms: 
o At home? 
o At work? 
o At play? 
o With their spouses? 
o With their kids? 
o Other? 
5. Other? 
 
 
What matters to dads 
Today’s class is all about dads. What matters to dads? What do dads want? What do 
dads need? 
 
Today we’re going to let the dads do the talking. And women, we’re just going to 
listen. No judgments, no rebuttals, no disagreeing, no nothing. Just listen. 
 
Dads, today is your day to offer some insight into what matters to you. Brainstorm. 
Let it all out.  
 
The goal is to make sure that nothing is left unsaid in terms of “what matters to 
dads”. At least then, if the women still don’t know, well… it’ll be their own fault. 
 
6. What matters to dads? 
7. What do dads want? 
8. What do dads need? 
9. What matters to dads: 
o At home? 
o At work? 
o At play? 
o With their spouses? 
o With their kids? 
o Other? 
10. Other? 
 
 
Finances Matter 
The Best Things in Life Are Not Things (Burns, 165‐181)  
“There are two economic systems battling for your family’s soul. The world’s value 
system places emphasis on things and stuff. God’s value is invested in people, 
stewardship and beauty.” 
 
Everyone needs to deal with financial decisions. Bad financial; planning can place 
tremendous stresses on relationships. According to a stat in the book, “56 percent of 
all divorces are the result of financial tension in the home.” And, Jim also mentions 
that some of the happiest families he has seen have lived in some of the poorest 
conditions in the world. 
 
The question becomes: do we need a lot of material things to keep us happy? 
 
Financial counselors Ron and Judy Blue suggest the following four stewardship 
principles to live by: 
1. God owns it all; 
2. There is always a trade‐off between time and effort and money and rewards; 
3. There is no such thing as an “independent financial decions”; 
4. Delayed gratification is the key to financial maturity; 
 
Basic financial principles: 
1. Spend less than you make; 
2. A budget is a must; 
3. Debt is slavery; 
4. Delayed gratification is the answer; 
5. Give 10 percent and save 10 percent of your income; 
 
Financial Education for Children: 
1. Teach your children about and help them develop a stewardship plan; 
2. Consider your children’s allowance to be their pay cheque; 
3. Teach your children early to save and tithe; 
4. Help your children understand the positive power of a budget; 
 
Discussion Starters: 
1. When you were growing up, did your family have a stewardship plan? 
2. What have you done to teach the concept of stewardship to your children? 
3. Which section of this chapter challenged you the most? 
4. What decisions do you need to make as a family about your finances? 
5. What is the significance of the following Scripture? How can these words of 
Jesus help a family with their finances? 
a. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. No one can 
serve two masters. Either he will have the one and love the other, or 
he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve 
both God and Money (Matt 6:21, 24). 
 
6 Steps to Building a Personal Financial Plan 
Taken from TD Canada Trust’s website: 
http://www.tdcanadatrust.com/planning/rdmap.jsp 
 
1. Setting goals and objectives is the first step of any financial planning process ‐ if 
you do not know where you are going, how can you know when you get there, or 
even decide which route to take? Setting goals and objectives is the foundation of 
any sound financial plan. 
a. Compile short and long term goals; 
b. Prioritize your goals. 
 
2. No matter where you are heading, you need to assess where you are now, and 
what you already have in place for the journey. Data gathering will ensure that 
your personal documents are up‐to‐date and that you know your current 
financial situation. 
a. Create a net‐worth and cash inflow/outflow worksheet; 
 
3. Heading in a general direction won't guarantee success in reaching your final 
destination. Before heading out on your journey, do your analysis and find 
solutions. This strategy will assist you in reaching your stated goals and will 
provide you with a roadmap to help you achieve these goals. Consider: 
a. Retirement planning; 
b. Education planning; 
c. Debt management; 
d. Life Insurance; 
e. Saving for other goals; 
 
4. Your financial plan should confirm that your goals are achievable, and 
appropriate recommendations will help define what you need to do to ensure 
that you reach these goals. 
 
5. A financial plan is only helpful if the recommendations are put into action. 
Implementing strategies will assure you reach your destination. 
 
6. Finally, follow‐up and annual reviews are critical to ensuring you maintain a 
clear focus in order to succeed. 
 
Discussion Starters: 
1. Which of the above items do you find the most valuable? Why? 
2. Does this seem simple or hard to put into action? Why or why not? 
3. To use a financial planner or not – how do you decide? 
 
 
 
10 Laws of Building Wealth 
Taken from MoneySense Magazine, August 2007: 
http://www.canadianbusiness.com/my_money/investing/article.jsp?content=2007
0822_124206_4640 
 
1. Know the enemy 
2. Talk to yourself 
3. Start saving 
4. Don't be too smart 
5. Get over it 
6. Know your edge 
7. Be scattered 
8. Sweat the small stuff 
9. Be a couch potato 
10. Sex works 
 
 
 
Raising a family on a budget 
 
 
 
Bibliography 
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The cardinal rules of romance:

Chapter 11: Sex Is Much More Than Physical Intimacy

2. On a scale of one to ten, what’s a romantic ten to you?

4. What are some creative, romantic ideas?

8. It is as important for a man to have feelings of adequacy as it is for a woman to have

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