Sunday Tribune
2 TribuneReview
DAVID KENNY’S ERINDIPITY
No 12: Worst excuse for
breaking into jail
BEFORE we begin this week’s
ramble, we would like to advise
readers that this column is not about
Dustin and the Eurovision. That said,
we’d also like to issue an appeal:
please vote for him to represent us.
We haven’t got a hope of winning the
main event any more, so why not take
the mickey out of it? End of appeal.
Along with Dustin, two other bird-
related stories caught our eye last
week. These concerned jailbirds
rather than singing ones.
At 2am last Friday week an
intruder carrying a bottle of vodka
broke into Shelton Abbey prison,
Wicklow, to have a drink with a jailed
friend. He woke up other prisoners
and when he couldn’t find his chum
he walked out, unchallenged.
Later that morning his friend, who
had heard about the visit, legged it
fearing he might be in trouble.
Then on Sunday another prisoner
escaped and was caught after gardaí
spotted him thumbing a lift on the
Arklow bypass. The desperate fugitive
made a break for it, jumped a barrier
and dropped several feet into a marsh.
He ended up being rescued by the fire
brigade.
With all this news of prisoners
breaking out and non-prisoners
breaking in, we offer you a crime
themed column this week. First up is...
Most desperate reverse
getaway
ON 25 January 2007, Wexford
District Court gave a 25-year-old man
a six-month suspended sentence for
stealing a car and a €300 fine for
failing to provide a breathalyser test.
The pickled culprit had nicked the
vehicle after falling asleep on the bus
home and missing his stop.
What makes this case noteworthy is
that the thief’s home, on this occasion,
was Shelton Abbey, where he was
serving time for some unspecified
offence (possibly car theft?).
The criminal mastermind made his
dramatic dash to incarceration after
missing a weekend release deadline.
Most pathetic getaway
Mexican musicians Rodrigo y
Gabriela were the victims of a
mugger shortly after arriving in
Dublin. The pair were busking on
Grafton Street when a thief rolled up
and stole all the money from their
guitar case right before their eyes.
The embarrassed guitarists
decided not to challenge him.
“We just thought ‘whatever’. We
didn’t stop playing,” Rodrigo Sanchez
said afterwards, revealing how the
desperado had made his getaway... in
a wheelchair.
Best description of a
prison
According to renowned website,
Planet Ware (“your unlimited travel
guide to the world”), Shelton Abbey is
worth paying a visit to. Here’s what
they say about it: “The R747 heads
northwest along the River Avoca. To
the right of it stands Shelton Abbey,
now a state forestry school, set in a
park with magnificent rhododendrons
and other beautiful shrubs.”
One doubts the American visitor
will find too many pansies there
though.(www.planetware.com/ireland
/shelton-abbey-irl-wi-shab.htm)
Most paddy of
paddywagons
The long arm of the law wasn’t long
enough to deal with one criminal in
January 2007.
The suspected robber, who had
been caught shoplifting, was too tall
Get
stuffed:
this
column is
not about
Dustin
to fit in the garda car.
Laois has two prisons but –
When incredibly – doesn’t have one single
paddywagon.
asked why Faced with this dilemma the gardaí
he was came up with a novel solution – they
hired a farm trailer to put him in.
The suspect was tied in to the
attempting trailer and slowly driven through
Portarlington as stunned locals
to break looked on.
Innovative police tactics like this
into jail, he are nothing new in Laois. In 2006 it
was reported that, due to the
replied that unavailability of any patrol cars, two
officers had been forced to speed off
he was to a crime scene... in a taxi.
It was the county’s first major
taking a operation by Cab.
shortcut Smallest jailbird
home The phrase “as a free as a bird” didn’t
apply to one inmate doing time in
Portlaoise prison in May 2007. During
a clampdown on contraband, officers
uncovered drugs, mobile phones...
and a budgie.
They were relieved to find that the
bird hadn’t been smuggled in secreted
in somebody’s posterior – the normal
10/02/08
route for contraband into jail.
In that case they would have been
dealing with a stool pigeon.
Most successful
jailbirds
In 1848, nine Young Ireland patriots
were sentenced to be hung, drawn
and quartered for treason. Their fate
made headlines worldwide and, as
protests mounted, Queen Victoria
was forced to commute the sentence
to transportation for life to Australia.
Twenty-six years later, cheery old
Vic nearly choked when she learned
that the ‘Sir Charles Duffy’ who had
just been elected prime minister of
Australia was the same Duffy she had
shipped off to the world’s largest
open-air prison.
Furious, she demanded to know
what had happened to the rest of the
men. Here’s what she discovered:
Thomas Meagher was governor of
Montana, Terrence McManus and
Pat Donahue were brigadier generals
in the US army, Richard O’Gorman
was governor general of
Newfoundland, Morris Lyene was
attorney general of Australia and was
succeeded by his comrade Michael
Ireland, John Mitchell was a
prominent New York politician and
D’Arcy McGee had become president
of her dominion of Canada.
“D’Arcy McGee!” roared the
Queen, to which her prime minister
replied, “Language, madam!”
Best Excuse for
breaking into jail
In the summer of 2006, a Cork
District Court judge asked if he was
hearing things correctly when told
that the man before him had tried to
break into the city’s jail. Prison
officers were amazed to see the
21-year-old emerging out of the
darkness having climbed the 20ft
exterior wall. The Reverse Fugitive
was about to scale the inner wall
when he was nabbed.
When asked why he was
attempting to break into jail, he
replied that he was taking a shortcut
home. He was walking by at 2am, he
explained, when he found a ladder up
against the wall and decided to climb
into the jail to save time.
The court also heard that, by
remarkable coincidence, he was
being sought by the gardaí about
another matter at the time. Could he
have been breaking into jail to avoid
being caught and sent to jail?
He got off, relatively lightly, with a
suspended sentence for trespassing,
as he hadn’t gained entry to any of the
prison’s wings.
Wings? That reminds us: go on
Dustin, you good thing.