1-888DIAL-INDIA

A Play By Anuvab Pal

Registered: 2008 Writers Guild of America (East) Registered: US Library of Congress (Copyrights) Registered: Screenwriters Guild of India. Mumbai High Court/ Dept. of Copyrights, Government of India

CAST OF CHARACTERS: PLEASE NOTE THAT ALL CHARACTERS ARE PLAYED BY ONLY 6 ACTORS. The Employees ArunAn Indian Entrepreneur. Ramesh-20s, Indian. Rashmi- 20s. Indian Sarah 40s. A Financier. Rameshs Family Gautam- Rameshs father. Anjali Rameshs sister. Rashmis Family Uma- Rashmis mother. Accent Coaches Brad- American man Anne- American woman The Suicidees Terence- American Man. Lisa American Woman Osama Bin Laden American Man Amy- American Woman

Others A Waiter Jennifer Subodh A Bouncer Susan Some Employees Man CASTING (5) Ramesh, A Waiter, Subodh, Voice - Can be played by 1 Indian actor. Reshmi, Anjali, Some Employees- Can be played by 1 Indian actor. Arun - can be played by 1 male actor. Brad, Gautam, Terence, Osama, Bouncer, Man - can be played by 1 male actor. American Woman, Sarah, Jennifer, Anne, Lisa, Susan, Amycan be played by 1 Female actor. Uma/ Anjali- 1 female actor

Since 1991, After the countrys economic freedom A new Indian businessman has emerged Confident, ambitious, relentless Free of class, caste and hierarchy Their huge dreams are building what is being called THE NEW INDIA. - IMF/ World Bank Report 2006

Scene 1 Sears Tower Chicago. Voice: Madam, Please dont jump. American Woman: Why not? Voice: Because you will be dead. American Woman: Thats the whole point of suicide. Voice: Good logic butCell phone noises. American Woman: Hell with this. She jumps.

Scene 2. Arun: First in underwear, then getting dressed. Arun: Look at the past. What were we to you? Just a piece of shit on the World map. Today, look at what were doing. Just look outside. The Mumbai skyline is a sea of cranes building glass towers and glass malls, trying to make New York look like my asshole. That was a joke. Today, when I land in London, Im not some Bangladeshi immigrant stirring a pot of Makhni, Im Arun fucking Gupta, self-made millionaire, with a 3 star hotel reservation on Gloucester Road, breakfast included. I have confidence to stand in front here, wearing this Pantaloons made-to-measure suit, shoes genuine 73% leather, and say, Madam, if I start a new business, a billion people are my customers. And a billion people are thinking like that. People say, Arun, how did you get such big balls to take so many chances? How are you such a visionary for the new India? And I say, it came this way. My balls were always like this. I have decided the new India will make some noise. No apologies. No, Hello Sir, Ill wipe your ass Sir, make me a member of your gymkhana club sir, none of that homo British shit. Just big dreams. Just big cash. I came here in a BMW 3 Series. What do you have to say to all this? What? Sarah: Your fly is open. Arun: Sorry. Arun: Sarah, hit me. Sarah: What? Arun: Cmon. Hit me. Sarah: You want me to hit you? Arun: Yes. Sarah: Why?

Arun: Youll see what Im made of. Iron. From Head to Toe. I have a term for me, Man of Steel. Shes about to hit him. Sarah: Slowly, little slowly. Cmon hithit. Am I something or what? Sarah: Youre an idiot. Arun falls on his knees. Arun: I am begging. Sarah: Youre not begging. Arun: I can beg. Sarah: Dont beg. Arun: Sarah, I need cash. Sarah: Theres a fucking recession. (holds up paper) Mercedez is going bankrupt. You want cash. Arun: Yes. Sarah: Im here to close down our India business and youre saying you want to start a new business? Arun: Yes. Sarah: You dont think that is the opposite of the purpose of my visit? Arun: You speak better than Obama. Gimme a five. She doesnt. Sarah: What youre doing, what would you call it? Arun: Vision. Sarah: I call it suicide. Arun: Ha haYoure kidding right? Funny

Sarah: No. Arun: That is my new business plan. Suicide. Sarah: Youre going to need a good lawyer. Arun: Look, if I told you 10 years ago that all major American credit card calls would be outsourced to India, youd say what? Sarah: Stop smoking crack. Arun: Yet a long time ago in a land far far away, this land, you invested in a little unknown thing called 1-800India run by a poor hard-working orphan Indian genius called Arun Gupta and got a 121% return on investment, so whose smoking crack now? You say? Say Sarah: I am? Arun: Thats right Negro! Sarah: Youre misusing the phrase. Arun: Look, since 2001, the American customer service industry has relocated to India almost entirely. The outsourcing business is now valued over 20 billion. So whether its MetLife Insurance, Verizon cell phones, Pfizer prescriptions, MasterCard, I-tunes help, Banana Republic sweater returns, Ford GPS System I do it all. Sarah: Everyone knows labor is cheap in India. Ok, so youve read Thomas Freidman. Arun: I dont read books one can buy at Haji Ali traffic signals. In fact, I dont read. I do. There are some 40 million Indians, employable, English speaking college graduates. Waiter enters. Waiter: Sir Chai. Arun: Like this guy. Eh, say something in English to madam. Waiter: Hello Sir.

Arun: EnglishEnglish. Waiter: Malum nahin sir. Arun: Jay yaha se. PhatIdiot. Look, most people live in garbage and are trying to get out of it. The Slumdog world is not flat. It is a ladder with the dog barking at the bottom. So why dont I have 40 million employees? Sarah: Americans arent outsourcing enough? Arun: Clever. Thats why you have either nice boobs or an expensive push up bra, and I went to Shriram College of Commerce, which brings me to Change of power-point slide. Arun: Suicide. Various research reports on the American Public Health industry predicts that 1 out of every 3 Americans is currently suicidal. Thats a customer base of a 100 million people. Today, when you want to die, you call a 1-800 number and someone in USA answers. Why? Why pay so much to US people? Sarah: They are all trained psychiatric professions. They have Masters degrees in trauma therapy. Arun: Fuck all that man(corrects) Woman. We will train. You think only Americans know how to die? Read the Times of India, people are suiciding here twice a day, over every small thing. Less than 100% in HSc, girlfriend turns out to be a man, Sachin changes his bat, we jump out of windows. This is Bombay man, the Disneyland of trauma. But we will not rest of experience alone. We will have statesof-the-arts training. So my employees are Indian only in body and appearance. But American in spirit, aspiration and dying. Sarah: What is the market potential? Arun: Now youre talking like a hot chick. Our numbers only capture registered manic-depressed Americans not those with the potential for depression- very conservative estimates. And with the recession, environmental destruction going as planned, oil shortage, food shortage, inflation, we can only expect that depression number to rise. Basically, in 5 years, cha ching.

Sarah: This is completely crazy. Arun: Listen, Mother Teresa in a suit, if this becomes the next Google, if this is indeed the next 10 billion market, do you want to say you missed the boat? Do you? Sarah: How much do you want? Arun: 400 Million Dollars.

Sarah: Ill give you 18 thousand. Arun: Done.

Scene 3 An Interview room. India. Arun: Howdy, Im Arun Gupta, CEO, Suicide Watch, who are you bro? Ramesh: My name is Ramesh. Arun: Fuck No. Ramesh: Sorry, sorry, Sir, my name is Greg. Arun: And where do you live Greg?

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Ramesh: In Vashi. Arun: Bastard Greg(throws something at him) Ramesh: Sir, sorry sir, I mean I was born in Texas and I went to University ofTexas. Arun: And what do you do for a living Greg? Ramesh: I am a certified Healthcare Professional trained by the State of Pennsylvania. Arun: Nice. Arun: And what makes you happy? Ramesh: Saving American lives. I like to protect my fellow citizens Sir. Arun: You know what this means? What are you from today? Ramesh: I am an employee of Suicide Watch Sir. Arun: Chut. Ramesh: Sorry, sir, sorry, aj se mein American hoon. Arun: In English fucker! Ramesh: From today, I am become American. Arun: And remember the company logo? Ramesh: This is not a Call CenterThis is a Emergency Room with phone lines instead of beds. Arun: Excellent. And do you have what it takes to be a deude? An American Person? Ramesh: Yes Sir. I have watched Rambo. Means, I can do anything. Arun: A Go-getter. Someone who goes and gets. I like that. Welcome to the Suicide Watch Team.

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Scene 4 Rameshs Flat India Ramesh: Suicide. India is Shining. It is clear from this.

Gautam: People kill themselves and you save them on the phone? Ramesh: Yes. Anjali: Like catching practice in cricket. Ramesh: Yes but instead of a ball, you catch a person.

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Gautam: When Americans are dying, they dont know the call is outsourced? Ramesh: See, when we are on the phone we are Americans. Americans saving Americans, thats my bosss business plan. Gautam: Why are you talking like that? Ramesh: Like what? Gautam: Like there is a big piece of fish in your mouth. Ramesh: Thats how I normally speak. Its my accent. Gautam: Why do you have an accent? We live in Vashi. Ramesh: My boss says without an American accent, youre a piece of shit. Gautam: Im a piece of shit? Im your father! I am an IAS Officer! Ramesh: No no, he means in life. To be someone you have to have an accent. Gautam: But if Americans find out they are being saved from Powai, they will kill themselves even quicker. Ramesh: Thats why they must believe totally in my American person, Greg. Gautam: Who? Ramesh: Gregory from Pittsburg, USA. My boss says, if we believe it no, the customers believe it. Gautam: My name is Gautam. I have been Under-Secretary of Rural Development, Govt. of Maharashtra for 22 years. The Ministry of Rural Development has not asked me to change my name to Bhura because I work with farmers. Ramesh: My boss Arun says in todays India, to be someone in life, you have to be someone else. Gautam: So the only way to do well at this job is lying. Like a con-man.

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Ramesh: No no. See if they die, we lose points. If we save, we collect points and get a promotion. Im not a con-man, Im a doctorwith points. Gautam: You will not do this job. This discussion is over. Ramesh: Ive signed the papers. There was a signing bonus of Rs. 10,000. With the bonus, I went to McDonalds. He runs out and gets a poster of Bobby Deol. Gautam: What is this? Ramesh: Bobby Deol. Gautam: What is he doing in my house? Ramesh: I took part in the McDonalds Pagal Dhamaka Touch a Star Contest. I won. Next Tuesday, we can touch Bobby Deol in Vashi InOrbit. Anjali: I want an I-Phone to send my friends pictures of Bobby Deols ass. Ramesh: My boss said in 1 month, I can buy a Skoda. Anjali: Good because when I go to college now in our Maruti 800, kids throw stones at me. Most people dont even believe its a car. Ramesh: Then Im going to buy us a 3 bedroom flat in Malad. Ive seen the building. Lakhotia Hercules. Gautam:: This is a church. Ramesh: Right now, its a heritage church but the builders are hopeful of destroying it. Gautam: Whats wrong with this building? Its approved by the Central Government. Anjali: Our flat always smells of urine because we live next to a canal filled with urine. Did the central government approve the urine? Gautam: Shut up. What are you wearing? Where are you going?

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Anjali: Some college girls were selected by DJ Bhooka Rascal to attend the MTV Bacardi Blast Kapre Utaro party. Gautam: Your dress looks like you havent paid for the whole thing. Its two sevenths of a swimming costume. Ramesh: Its call a boob tube dad. Gautam: What? Anjali: A booGautam: I heard you. I am just surprised you would use a word like boob with your father casually. Young people nowadays have no morals or shame. Anjali: People who say that are just jealous that they are too old to go to nightclubs. Ramesh: Yes. She means you. Gautam: How do you expect any positive responses on Shaadi.com? Anjali: Maybe you should stop using Aishwariya Rais photo instead of mine. Gautam: Your actual photo got 3 responses from registered members of The Taliban. Ramesh: Dont agree to an arranged marriage. Gautam: You stay out of this. Left to you, you will outsource her marriage to China. Anjali: Dont listen to him. The only way our family can be happy is if Americans commit suicide. Bye. Gautam: Finish your(shes gone). I put an ad in todays Times Matrimonials. Lets hope. Here! Fair skin Hindu Girl, Brahmin government family, 21 centimeters tall seeksRamesh: Dad, theres a typo. Twenty one centimeters is 3 inches tall. Gautam: Shit.

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Anjali enters, music starts, she starts dancing. Gautam: What is going on here? Anjali: Shit. The party has started. Gautam: Where is the party? Ramesh: I think there. Gautam: What? Ramesh: People go to this DJs website. Logs on and parties. Gautam: So she doesnt go anywhere? Ramesh: No everyone just comes online. Gautam: This is pretty stupid. Anjali: Sssh.

Scene 5 Office in India Something by Sonu Nigam plays on the computer. Arun hastily shuts if off.

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Arun: So Reshmi, youre married? Reshmi: No. Arun: Virgin? Reshmi: Um. Yes. Arun: Fuckin hell, wow. Young. Y-O-N-G. Its ok with me. Conservative. Conservative. Family. In Hispanic, Familia. Arranged? Reshmi: Sorry? Arun: Will you be sold in an arranged marriage? Reshmi: I will try to avoid the arranged thing but my mother is strict. And my father is dead. That was his dying wish. Arun: Small town caste bullshit. Whateverr. I got no issues. BUT in your 20s, when you walk down the street, in a micro-mini, you should be out there striking guys out. (does a bowling gesture) Reshmi: Sir, I have gone bowling. I understand you. Reshmi: So you know how to play the game, flirtittilation you knowYou know? Reshmi: My mother perfume. doesnt know I wear sleeveless. And

Arun: Thats good. You know what my term for that is? Open Minded. Open is better than closed minded. An open family is non veg. A closed family is a is fucked up. All religilious. What are your hobbies Chiquita? Ill go 1st. I am Arun, I dont want to drum to my own beat but I guess you could call me the boss. Because I am. My favorite movie of all time is Top Gun. Cruise controool. Im a beast at table tennis. Growl. In the US, its known as Ping Pong. Reshmi: I love Indian Idol sir on Star Plus. Arun: Fuck Star TV. No no ladyyoull need total westernification. See, Americans are individuals - thats

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the main thing. Whats your main thing? Thats the thing. Do you cook at home? Reshmi: Yes sir. My mother makesArun: Stop. Cooking is done in jails only. Americans only eat Cup O Noodles. Its like Maggi but white. For white people. What music do you like? Reshmi: Sonu Nigam. (sings a line) Arun: Sonu Noganna worknoganna work. Reshmi: But sir, you were listening to same song. Arun: Shsh. My something like heard of a man Slim Shady and computers defective. Listen, If it was English songs, then something. You have hes called the Eminem? (sings a line of dances)

Reshmi: Sir, what you are doing? Arun: Hes the dogs balls negro. Reshmi: Sir I dont know that sport. Arun: Hear Eminem. It will be important. Reshmi: I am very keen on involving myself into totally of the American things. Thats why I am eager. Thats my nature. Arun: Im not convinced. Why Seduce Watch? Reshmi: Sir? Arun: I mean convince me. Why Suicide Watch? Reshmi: As you are probably into noticing, I am having the American accent, so no training Ill need. Thats what I am, a call center person already. Ready to jump into. In current job, I am receiving underwear orders from Hanes His Way Im bored. Now I want to do suicide. Arun: You are 100% sure? Reshmi: 100% suicide.

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Arun: Chicmangalore, I like you. And when I like someone I dont care where they are, like jail or hiding from income tax, I dont care if people say, dont mix with him, hes a criminal because I say fuck you. Fuck all of you who have no guts because I have a guts instinct about people. And my guts say that you need my pole. Reshmi: Sorry sir? (presses a bell) Arun: Peon, pole lao. Pole dancing. See, I think a membership at Golds Gym is a waste of time if you have your own pole. Sexy dancing is the worlds best fitness program. Forget diets. I know what you are thinking, that its like sexual striptease like Bangkok chicks but thats where the world is mistaken. There are 2 kinds of pole dancing. This one has the video Carmen Electras Collection of Horny Music. Theres another exercise called Carmen Electras Dirty Lap-Dance. Thats the dirty one. This one is for housewives and college graduates. Reshmi: Sir, did I get the job? Arun: Yes.

Scene 6,

Rashmis Flat

Reshmi: Shhh. My mother doesnt know anything about call centers, she thinks Im a real doctor. Emergency Room doctor at Lilavati. I have a friend there who re-routes her landline calls to my cell. Thats how I work all night. Dont say anything. Rashmi: Ok Uma: Youre late. Was Amitabh admitted again? Reshmi: No, just some Americans.

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Uma: Accident? Terrorist attack? Rashmi: No, see, the hospital is so happy with my work that they have promoted me to being a doctor on the phone. I now help Americans with emergencies. We have opened a new wing. Phone wing. Uma: What? Reshmi: What do you need to save lives? English no? Life is life. Uma: Who is this boy? Reshmi: Rameshhes a nurse. Ramesh: Yes. Im nurse Ramesh. Hello Aunty. Ramesh brings in a pole. Uma: What is this? Reshmi: A pole. My boss gave me a pole. Uma: Why did he give you a pole? Reshmi: For pole dancing. Its a gift. Uma: What is the point of dancing around a pole? Ramesh: For exercise. Its like jogging. I do it also. Uma: Show me. Ramesh: Huh? Reshmi: Ma, hes just a nurse. Uma: A dancing nurse. He said. Ramesh: Aunty IReshmi: He has to go. He has dying patients. Uma: Two minutes.

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Ramesh: Aunty, Ill need some music. Uma: Music? Reshmi: Music. Hereour boss gave some music that comes with the pole. Uma: Carmen Electras Collection of Horny Music? Ramesh: Its for health reasons. Music comes on. Ramesh demonstrates for a bit. Its getting embarrassing. Rashmi shuts off the CD. Ramesh: Thats a brief summary. Uma: Exactly what kind of hospital gives this kind of nurse training? Ramesh: Our boss Arun says, nurses need to be fit. Uma: For which patients do you do this dance?

Reshmi: Our boss is a nice man Mama, he also gave Ramesh and me two special passes to a new Water Theme Park in Bhandup. Dirty Splash Water World. Gala Opening with fireworks on Saturday, live on SAB TV. Can I go? Uma: No. waves coordinated with SlumDog

Ramesh: Fake Ocean soundtrack aunty. Uma: No.

Reshmi: They have Bumper cars endorsed by Adnan Sami. Uma: No

Ramesh: Its wear a bikini, get a free bikini contest. Uma: What? Reshmi: Our boss Arun says that is India has changed. Its a sexy place now. Everyone should wear a Bikini. Uma: I dont understand what all this means.

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Reshmi: If I cant go on Saturday, I want to go to the Khar KFC now. I am a Gold member. I am eligible for a KFC golden shower. Uma: I made parathas and stayed up all night to feed you? Reshmi: Throw it.

Uma: Then Im going to throw away this pole. Reshmi: No youre not. Its mine. Uma leaves.

Scene 7 A Conference Room

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A conference room at the call center. A Map of the US. A class underway. Arun: Listen up fuckers, these Americans are your accent coaches. For the next 8 weeks, they are your mother, father, husband, jyotshi, dildo, everything. Whatever they say, mug up. If you cant, go home and mug up. After 7 days, if you cant speak like them, there is no point speaking at all. At the end if they tell me, youre not a white, that youre still saying what ya and No ya, and sounding like Shakti Kapoor, Ill give you a choice. Ill either cut off your balls or your tongue. Brad looks frightened. Arun: Just kidding. This is not Salaam Bombay. We are ISO certified. Brad: UmokIm Brad, Im from New York City. Say, hi Brad. Ramesh: Hi Brad. Brad: Braraaasay raaaaaaa. You have to open your mouths to speak. We Americans Ramesh: Aaa Brad: Um. Good. We Americans are very clear when we speak. Brad: Great, now through my class, Ill take you on a journey of the USA. On a road trip. Do you all know what a road trip is? Reshmi: Yes, it is on route 66. It is highway. I have worked for call centre on USA driving directions. Arun: See, I told you shes my bitch. Well done. Anne: Ok, Mr. Arun, no bad language. Now, what if a customer, Ill call them customers, uses bad language? Ramesh: Like if they say fuck you and all? Bloody bastard, bloody asshole, Indian son of a bitch yes? That happened to me with HSBC Home Loans.

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Anne: Yes. Like that. But Jesus wouldnt like you using language like that and remember, all Americans love Jesus. Brad: Not all. Anne: Ok so if a caller uses these words, how will you handle it? Reshmi: Ill say, I understand your frustration sir but can you please explain to us the circumstances under which you have thought about ending your life. Anne: Very good. Have you done this before? Reshmi: Yes, Ive been in the call center industry almost 5 years and Ive read your manual- What is America? Anne: Excellent, whats your name? Reshmi: Reshmi but here I am Meghan. Always Meghan. Anne: And where are you from Meghan? Reshmi: Pensacola Florida. My brother Baxter is a marine. Arun: Yes! Nice! You go, bitch! Brad: Good. Ok, who am I? Im a writer-performer-dancerpoet and I live in the West Village which is this really beautiful creative temple in the heart of Manhattan. I live with my boyfriend Jeff whos a wonderful potter and I was in this off Broadway play where I play thisthis really interesting Indian vegetable that transforms into Vishnu, your God, and after a show, I met your CEO, Arun, whose is really sweet, very wealthy, with a gorgeous Soho loft, he loved my part, and Arun: Hurry up man, Im paying. Brad: Where was I? So yes, they hired me Ann: us. Brad: Us, to come to Bombay to spend a week with you wonderful people to teach you how Americans communicate, all right?

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Ramesh: Excuse me, are you are a homo man? Brad: Um. Yes, yeah, I am gay. Thats correct. We dont call people homo man when Im from because thats considered disrespectful. Ramesh: When we start work, will we have to help homo when they do suicide? Brad: Im hoping youll have to help anyone who calls. Its a Suicide Hotline. You have no right to discriminate against a persons sexual preference. Ramesh: Sir, why? Arun: Eh, gays are also people. First, they are paying customers, 2nd they are homos. In USA, there are all kinds of psychos. Ramesh: Oh, ok. Sorry sir. Anne: Ive written some American terms here for your reference. Gs, like I have to spend 40 Gs, usually refers to money, dog, as in what up dog means hello, dog is a term for friend. Arun: Or bitchfor women friend. Anne: A woman friend is a biatch. As in What Up Biatch? Its different from Bitch. Which is considered an insult. Its tricky. Arun and her share a look. Anne: Sometimes, a teenager might say chill, which means to relax. Arun: Or Chillax, where I combine Chilling and Relaxing. Write that down. Anne: Dont write that. So Meghan, tell uswhat are the key values of America that I talk of in my book. Reshmi: In her book, Madam Anne, says that Americas key values are as George W Bush says, Almighty God Jesus, Marriage, Family values, Individuality, Financial Success

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Ramesh: Theres one more you forgot- pursuit of happiness. Anne: Thank you Greg. Good, Greg, Meghan now you know my country. Brad: Ok this is not America. Anne: Sinners like him are going to burn in hell. Note, They are called liberals. Brad: Nazi. Anne: Fag. Brad: Pedophile. Anne: Girly Boy. They continue. Arun: Notice how Americans fight. There will be a lot of shouting and screaming when your customers call. Take notes, Take notes!

Scene 8 An Airplane. Arun: Hello. Jennifer: Hi Arun: Going to America. Jennifer: Sorry? Arun: Going to US? By flight? Jennifer: Yes. This is a non stop flight to New York, so yes. Arun: Nice. Super Me also. Small pause. Arun: Im Arun Gupta. You?

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Jennifer: Jennifer Roberts. Arun: Hi Jennifer. Nice name. Some could call you Jen, some Iffer. So people call you what? Jennifer: Jennifer. Arun: Happy? Jennifer: Huh? Arun: Generally, in life. Jennifer: Sorry? Arun: As in, you arent depressed or anything? Jennifer: No. Why? Arun: Nothing. (slight pause) Never thought about killing yourself? Jennifer: Look, I really dont know where this conversation is going. Arun: You should. Jennifer: Id like to move my seat. Arun: Youre pretty ugly. No wedding ring. So single. Probably live alone with what a dog? Cat? Some old mother? Jennifer: Youre an asshole. Arun: Look, please seriously consider why your life is total shit and why youve wasted whatever opportunities life gave you to reach this pathetic mediocre miserable place where youre sitting next to me in the economy class of a Lufthansa flight in your middle age. And why no one loves you. Jennifer: Im going to fucking hurt you. Arun: And then when youre ready to do something to yourself, like hang from a fan, or buy a gun or put your head in the oven, call this number.

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She punches him in his testicles. Arun: Aaah. I can sue you. What is better death or jail? Jennifer: You have some fucking nerve. Arun: Youre upset, admit it, life is shit, this incident is the highlight of your life. Call 1-800-aahhh

Scene 9 Manhattan and

Mumbai

Terence: This is Terence. Who am I speaking with?

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Reshmi: 911, This is Meghan. How can I help you sir? Terence: I just got laid off Meghan. Reshmi: OkIm very sorry to hear that sir. How long have you been having sexual issues? Terence: No, what? Oh, not laid, laid offthey outsourced by job to India. Im at a Food Emporium in Manhattan. Where are you? Reshmi: Im, in Florida sir. Our football team is The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Terence: Why you talking about football? Im talking about grocery. Reshmi: The most famous mall in Florida isTerence: Meghan, shut the fuck up and listen to me. It costs my family over two hundred and fifty thousand dollars to just survive. And I have a months severance. And I have no savings. So Im going to go home now Meghan, and if I dont find my wife and kids at home, which I know I wont, Im going to make a soup. Im going to eat soup. And then Im going to drown myself. What do you think of that Meghan? Reshmi: Sir, a single suicide is equal to 10 murders to the ones you leave behind. Terence: Are you reading from a website? Reshmi: Sir, please dont do it. Terence: Meghan, Im not calling to ask your permission. Im calling to tell you that my wifes cell phone number is 347 887 2121. She wont be able to get back in because I would be in the bathroom and she didnt take keys. So call her and tell her whats happened, will you do that for me? Reshmi: We cannot do outgoing calls sir. Terence: Oh, thats a bummer. Reshmi: (to a colleague) Eh Subodh, what is a bummer?

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Subodh: Its a large car- the Americans use it in Iraq. Reshmi: Sir, you have a bummer? You can start by selling the bummer- it is a big car, good money. Terence: What? What Im trying to say is how is she going to get into the house? Its a bummer, as in a problem. Reshmi: (to Subodh) Idiot, bummer means problem in American. (To client) Sir, you said you are in a grocery? Terence: Yes. Food Emporium. Reshmi: What is your favorite thing you cook? Terence: UmI make a really good roast. Beef. Reshmi: And what it is you like in liquor? Terence: Oh you mean wine? Reshmi: Yes, why not? Terence: Shiraz is nice, I see a 97 Ive been looking for. Reshmi: Sir, can I beg you of something. Are you smelling fresh food? Please take in deep breadth. Terence: Ok Reshmi: What you smell? Terence: Some great foreign herb. Moroccan? Reshmi: Sir. Cook with this Muslim herb. Serve to your great American family, drink lots of wine. Call me in the morning. Ask for Meghan ok? Terence: What if the dinner is great and I realize that I could never do this to my family? Reshmi: Then dont do it. Scene 10 New York and Mumbai Ramesh: Lisa, why do you want to jump off Brooklyn Bridge?

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Lisa: Do you know how hard and insulting it is to audition day after day? Ramesh: Tell me about your audition please. Lisa: It always the fucking same. Some arrogant director. I didnt get the part. Ramesh: Can you tell me Lisa, what is your favorite acting part in what dramatics? Lisa: Theyre called plays, not dramatics. Ramesh: Plays, yes. Sorry. Lisa: I want to play Mother Courage. Its a play by Bertold Brecht. Its a wonderful part. Ramesh: (offline) Subodh Subodh: Ha. Ramesh: Hollywood Actor ka Nam bata gandu Actor ka nam de mujhe? Fucking idiot Amitabh Bachchan is Indian, how she will know? Gwy- from which? Iron Man. ha ok(online) Lisa, I would like to remind you about this Gwyneth Paltrowshe is an actress. Lisa: What? Dont tell me about Gwyneth Paltrow. Are you crazy telling me about Gwyneth Paltrow? What does that have to do with me? Stop telling me crazy things. Ramesh: I am sorry. Please explain in detail what is so wrong that jumping is the answer? Lisa: I am attractive. Ramesh: Sure. Lisa: I have a 4.0 from Bryn Mawr. Ramesh: Wow. Lisa: Ive read Plato. Ramesh: Nice.

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Lisa: Ive studied Theatre of Social Unrest. Ramesh: Very nice. Lisa: I went to Actors Studio. Ramesh: Really? Lisa: Just shut up and listen. Ive lived in New York for 10 years on 15 dollars a day. I have a hundred thousand dollars in unpaid loans. My parents stole stuff from me. I can tell the history of Greek theater but cant afford a cheese sandwich. What am I going to do? You tell me- what else am I supposed to do? What can I do? Ramesh: (in hindi, offline) eh, supervisor kaun hain? Lisa: Sorry, I dont understand you. Ramesh: (in hindi, online) Kuch worry ki bat nahi hain. Lisa: What? Ramesh: Madam, please dont lose focus. That is nothing. Lisa: Were you speaking Hindi? Was that Hindi? Ramesh: No, you are slowly going crazy and imagining things. Lisa: Are you in India? Is this call going to India? Dont fuck with meI used to work for a helpdesk at American Airlines. Am I having this conversation with Ramesh: No madam, noI am a GregoryGregory from Pittsburg GregoryMadam! Shit.

Scene 11 NightClub India Reshmi, Ramesh and Arun. Arun: Say Tequila

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Ramesh and Rashmi: TEQUILA! They gulp down shots. Arun: Yeah! More shots! Waiter Grey Goose shotsGoose lao jaldi! Ramesh, why is your glass empty? Why? What are you drinking? What are you drinking? Ramesh: Sir, we just had the shots. Arun: Fuck what kind of answer is that man? KTF man, keep it flowing. Wheres the bar? Oh shit, its far. Reshmi, I just want to say Reshmi that you are my best call center person. My best. Ramesh, if shes Tom Cruise, youre not even in the movie. Chicken, one day, you will be where I am, and that day Ramesh, your colleague will take off her salwar Kameez and wear my suit. Reshmi: Sir, I dont know how to thank you sir. I- excuse me. She runs. Arun: Chicks. Complex. Ramesh: Not used to booze sir. Adjusting. Arun: How? Ramesh: By vomiting. Techno music. Arun begins moving to the beat. Arun: Poison is the hottest nightclub in Bombay, youve never come? Hot scene. Rocking. Ramesh: Expensive sir. Arun: What do you do Saturday nights? Ramesh: Im usually chillaxing at Hawaiian Shack in Bandra sir. Im getting into rock music. Guns with Roses sir, (sings) Take me down to the Paradise City. Where the sir I dont remember more. Arun: Chillaxing is good.

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Ramesh: But Rashmi watches Baba RamDev program on JanMat channel. Arun: Lame. Yoga. So un-American. Ramesh: But Im not involved in that. Im not traditional. Want to clear up that misunderstanding between her and me. I have gone to Dirty Splash Water Park in Bhandup in a swimming costume, I go mad at TGI Fridays mock-tails, gelato, potato skins. My father has his own bowling ball. Reshmis mother however, is not open to pole dancing. I dont watch K serials. But in her house, Ive often seen Star Plus is on. I am new to discos only. Arun: Discscall them discsI call it clubbing. Every weekend, I hit the clubs. This is my spot. Till I go to another spot. Ramesh: Im learning. Arun: Not bad. Not bad. I come here to check out the chicks. I wear my shades so no one recognizes me. Im incognito. Its cool. Ramesh: Rashmi and I think youre the best sirjust you are so stylish and sexy. Arun: Yes I am. Ramesh: Please give me some tips. Arun: Tell me Ramesh, you dont look like you have a dick. Are you fucking Rashmi? Ramesh: Sirwhat are you saying sir Arun: Cmon were just guys talking. Youre trying, arent you? Can you can get it up? Because I want all my staff to be satisfied. Are you Keeping Rashmi satisfied in bed? How many times a day? 8-9? Ramesh: Sir, she works nighttime, I work day. Arun: So what? What about a little sex a holic early in the morning? Ive done it at the Barista, it opens at 7 am.

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Ramesh: No sir. She has one bedroom in Vadala and her mother sleeps in the living room sir. Aunty likes to watch Travel and Living. Arun: So what 3-4 a day? Ramesh: Sir we dont do all that sir. Yet. Arun: Fuck Man. Let me touch you. Where do they make things like you? Youre telling me she isnt getting any? Youre both virgins! And she is still my star performer? You bastard. Do you know how many American lives she can save if you were giving it to her? What is wrong with you? If she was having it doggie style, she could probably bring people back from the dead! Idiot. How can you do this to me? Ramesh: Sorry sir. You also cut our flexie hours. Arun: Oh manoh manIm getting scared just listening to this. Im feeling dirtiyeeuhhh. Ramesh: We will do all that when we are ready for the baby, thats what Rashmis mother suggests. We may do pole dancing but we respect Indian culture. Maybe Ill ask her for marriage and then 3 months after that. Arun: Deude, in 3 months of marriage, I had fucked my way to Russia and not just with my wife. I was also already triple timing with Cine Blitz models. Check my hotel bills at Juhu Princess. Dont listen to buddhas man Ramesh: The Buddha? Arun: No. not the BuddhaBuddha buddhisold people. With Wow, check that out. Jemma Jemisonfuck a doodle doo Ramesh: Sir, Jemma Jemison is a client? Arun: Oh manYoure also dont watch any porno? havent you exploded yet? Why

Ramesh: Sir our office website is blocked. No Google also. Arun: God help you man. Jemma Jemison is the greatest porn star in the world. Jennas Temptation Island?

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Ramesh: I havent been to that island sir. Arun: Its a movie chut. Here. Ramesh: Sir USB? Arun: Its a 800 GB hard-drive. It has 900 hours of Porn. I carry it everywhere. I watch it everywhere. Everything. Animal, interracial, inter-galaxy, Chinese, horse, prison, historical, cartoon, all. Its cool. Ramesh: Thank you sir. Arun: If you watch this and still cant get it up for Reshmi, you should charge 50 rupees to show your dick to people in a circus. Rashmi: Im back. What were you chatting about? Ramesh: Nothing. Just Recession. Everything is down. Nothing is up. Arun: You have to do something about your clothes Rashmi. You dress like a sweeper at Heathrow airport. Here take this. (gives her a card) Go to Millionaire boutique in Juhu and ask for Vasco. Tell him I sent you. You need tank tops. Now come, Im taking you to the VVIP area. Ramesh: Your mother is worried. She smsd me. Rashmi: Sshhh Arun: Whats the problem? Bouncer: Sir Private Party. Arun: Ha. Im one of the organizers of the private party Einstein. The chief organizer. Bouncer: Your name? Arun: Arun Goopta, the G is prominent. Bouncer: Not on list sir. Arun: Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know who I am?

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Bouncer: Youre Arun Gupta. Sir, this is an American Consulate Party, I cant let you pass. Arun: Listen asshole, I am the American Consulate ok. Bouncer: No Sir, she is. Susan: Im Susan, the Ambassador, how can I help? Arun: Hello Madam. Aroon GupSusan: Are you the suicide hotline guy? Didnt I say dont come here with your suicide shit and dont ever call me. Prick. She leaves. Arun: Look, Firangi Rambo, Im sure we can make a deal. Bouncer: The only way I can let you into the VIP area, is by Champagne service. Arun: Now youre talking. I dont go anywhere without champagne service. I dont wake up without drinking champagne. You think Id sit in the VIP area without ordering champagne? Bouncer: Its 1 lakh a table. Silence. Arun: Ok guys, were just going to hang out here. On this side of the rope. The VIP area is the other side of this rope. Its pretty much the same anyway. Same Floor. Same ambience. Just this side. Its cool. Techno Music. Slight pause. Arun dances a bit. Arun: Anybody hungry. I usually go to the 5 Star Bawa International coffee shoprocking scenerocking.

INTERVAL

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Scene 12 Office India Aruns office. Reshmi wears Western office attire. Reshmi: Can I come in Sir? Arun: Wow. Fucking A. Like Sex in the CitaySex in the call centerrr What happened there? Reshmi: Sir, I went to Millionaire boutique in Juhu. Vasco said in the west, this is business formal. Arun: You lookyeah. Reshmi: Sir you like? Arun: Reminds me of Jemma Jemison in Dirty Office I. Before she, you know- takes off- anyway, Time out. See that poster, who the fuck is that? Rashmi: Sir Barack Obama?

Arun: No chiclet. Every black man in a poster is not Barack Obama. Thats Kobe Bryant. The mofo of basketball. Im getting into basketball. Knicks, Spurs. A long shot. Watch He throws a stress ball into a basket ball net common in American offices. He misses. Arun: Slam Dunk! Rashmi: But shouldnt it go in?

Arun: Whoa. Whoa. Time Out. You know what time-out means? Reshmi: Madame Anne said its saying give me a break man but with hands. She demonstrates. Arun: Here, take this voucher. Go to that Croma store, ask for Goldie and get a play-station. You and Ramesh should play PlayStation basketball at least 3 hours a day. Next time I see you, I want to dribble you. He dribbles around her. Commentating to himself.

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Arun: And he dribbles past Stockton, the tough guy reserve for San Antinio Spurs Reshmi: Sir you asked to meet me. Arun: Yeah Meghan, Im promoting you. Reshmi: No Sir! Arun: Yes Sir. He says and shoots. (another baseball gesture) Reshmi: Wow. I -Thanks. Thanks a lot. Really? Arun: Remember Chitrakoot, you met him, I was going to promote him in the suicide team because he helped pop-star Elton John crawl out of a piano. I dont know how Elton John got into the piano but anyway time out, Chitrakoot, he died. Reshmi: What? Arun: Yeah he fell into a manhole-floods and alldead. Reshmi: Oh no. Arun: And so now you dress like Hilary Clintonyou can be Hilary Clinton. Ha ha haNot really. This is your salary increasetonight, you Ramesh(sexual gestures) uh-huh, uhhuh, uh-huh, get dirty, Yeah. Sexual. Baby. Physicalll. Reshmi: Sir, Im very sorry to say about this sir but something has got into Ramesh. I dont know if he spoke to you at Club Poison. He is disturbing me on the phone late at night with crazy talk about breaking my bed. Once near Hard Rock bathroom, he had liquor and I cant talk about this Sirplease tell him to stop. Arun: Nothing wrong with it Napoleanita! Its new India. Sex is healthy. Youre in your twenties. Without sex, youll go mad or catch fire or join politics. When you get in-laws, they might force you to have a child. Wake up Feminism biatches! If youre mother-in-law says get pregnant, you call me. Ill tell her wholl get pregnant. Like see, I told my wife Antara, you can work babymunchkinpuff. You have my permission. Not too much. Maybe Interior Design. Maybe 2 hours a day. That keeps her

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fashionable. If you just eat and sleep, you end up looking like Jaws. I dont want a big shark, I want a wife. So hump a lot tonight, engage in wild things and congratulations She is given a piece of paper. Arun: It is your increment12% pay-rise. What you have to say? Reshmi: IArun: Yes, yes, you are welcome. But look at your performance. Long shot! You are the best performer in the Suicide Team. Forty calls, forty saves, no deaths. Thats a 100% objective met. Reshmi: Sir, I was expecting 25% pay-rise? Arun: What? Reshmi: Sir, any other call center is paying much more. You see if I go to Alcoholics or Drug Recovery, its ten thousand more. I came to Suicide because Im into people and helping Americans not die is good no? Thats why. But if I get only this much, I can go to TicketMaster Complaints or Marriott Reservationthey will double my Arun: Listen Hillary Reshmi: Im the best you have. Who else do you have as good as me? You think New York is short of American call centers? Arun: You know what my hero Donald Trump said? He said FuckinA. FuckingB. Who are you to fuck with me? Reshmi: Im leaving sir. Arun: Platinum Dinner for three at TGI Fridays? Deluxe mock-tails and free ride on indoor Ferris wheel? Reshmi: No. Arun: Pioneer Plasma TV? Reshmi: How many inches? Arun: Twenty three.

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Reshmi: Thanks, no. Arun: And Video IPOD. Reshmi: Umno. We have. Arun: A hundred gift certificates for Westside Lingerie? Reshmi: Other call centers are giving this. With free stockings. Arun: Six months No-Frills Magic work-out at Golds Gym? Reshmi: I dont have a track suit. Arun: Kaya Skin Clinic Free Hair Removal Upper Lip? Reshmi: That I can pay for. Arun: Lower Lip? Reshmi: No. Arun: Chin? Reshmi: Umno. Arun: Fun Republic Bowling Alley and Magic Palace Video Game Arcade- Family Life membership? And discount coupon for McDonalds next door? Daily Reshmi: Sir, these are old. Arun: Holiday for 1 in Bangkok. Free continental breakfast and one complimentary massage? Sightseeing to Golden Buddha not included. Slight pause. Reshmi: Holiday for 1 in New York. 5 Star Hotel with pool. Shopping voucher and sightseeing to Niagara falls? Slight pause. Arun: Fine.

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Reshmi: Thank you sir. Shes about to leave Arun: Reshmi, are other call centers actually giving better things? You can tell me, I wont take back this offer. Reshmi: No sir. I just said to bargain. God Bless America.

Scene 13 Office India Ramesh enters in a bright sequined shirt. Ramesh: Sir. A second as the clothing sinks in. Ramesh: Chiragh Din Sir. I went to the showroom and asked for Deboo Comu. I told him CD Rocks as you said. You also wearing? Arun: No way, Ive upgradified. In life, you gotta keep going up, or youll never be able to look down. This is Reed&Taylor- Ive now bonded with the best. What do you want? Ramesh: Sir, there is a question. Yesterday I got call from this Michael Jackson, Los Angeles in bathtub- drowning case- I started laughing. I said why would Michael Jackson want to die? He is a dancer. Today, in the Times of India headline Michael Jackson tries to commit suicide. Sir, do you think its the same person? Arun goes up to him and slaps him. Grabs his collar. Arun: Fucker, 3 months have finished, your record - 38 calls, Thirty Deaths, 8 disconnected. Ramesh: Sorry sir, please dont hit me. Arun: Its time for a home run. He grabs his baseball bat. Ramesh is scared. Ramesh: Sir I dont like this baseball game. I like IPL.

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Arun: Im not playing baseball. Im going to shuv this up your ass. They chase each other around the room. Ramesh: It is not my fault, sometimes I am not understanding them and sir, most of the customers in USA are mad when they call, they are in some wild crazy mind, because normal people will not think of the dying. One said I am rubbing a horse and one more said I like to sit on a huge inflatable cock third asked if I like to be having cornflakes with the midgets, I am not following. This was not in training. So how I will calm them down? Arun: What did we waste dollars to teach you? asking questions? Ramesh: Yes sir yes Are you

Arun: You are asking What are you doing now? What is your favorite thing Are you reminding, re-assuring? Arun has raised his bat to hit him. Ramesh: Yes, I ask all that. But I dont know what happens. One person, a black, he had called after they had bullet in stomach. Now tell me, what I will do there? Its already too late no? I can never win that customer because from the beginning, he is not customer, he is dead. I dont want to die sir. I have just bought a Nokia N Series. Doesnt hit him. Grabs collar. Arun: Once upon a time I used to try to hit on Oshiwara chicks from Hindi serials. I used to eat the midnight buffet at the Marriott. I wore Chirag Din. Then business picked up and I said time to get higher. Today, the new me, I only hit on chicks from NDTV or Times Now. Yesterday I was invited for an invite only Smirnoff party at Henry Thams. Are you smelling me? Smell me. What are you smelling? Ramesh: Cologne Sir. Arun: Aramis. From Dubai. Musk. When I enter a room, people realize Im there because they can smell me. In life, you have to keep moving. Nobody will remember you if your smell

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has faded. Look at you, just a chut in a yellow shirt with no smell of your own. Nobody gives a shit about trying. Anyone can struggle, but can you win? Who will you be when you die bastard? Someone in a Chiragh Din shirt cremated by 4 people or someone who left some smell in the world? Scene 14, Reshmis Apartment Mumbai Mood lighting. They make out. Pornography plays on the computer. Ramesh: Just see what she is doing and do it properly. Some noises. Ramesh: Shit. Reshmi: Fuck. Hide. Ramesh: I thought you said aunty was at her school sports day. Reshmi: Just hide. Uma enters the living room. Turns out the music and begins amateur moves around the pole. Reshmi: Mama, whats happening? Uma: Nothing. Reshmi: What are you doing? Uma: Sports day gave me a back-ache so Reshmi: Were you pole dancing? Uma: No, shut up, whats wrong with you? Reshmi: Why are you on top of the pole then? Uma: I was pole climbing. For arthritis, Dr. Wagle advised me to walk up-hill. There is no hill in Vadala, so I was going up this pole. Reshmi: Youre lying.

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Uma: Yes. Reshmi: There was no Sports day was there? Uma: No. Reshmi: So where were you? Uma: I told Mrs. Bodhikar about the pole. She told me pole dancing is getting very popular. Mrs. Lobo and Mr. Hosham go every Wednesday but they tell their husbands they are playing rummy. The class is in Colaba. Run by a woman called Miss Devine but I think hes really a man called Girish. Today was my 1st class. Ramesh drops something. Ramesh: Shit. Uma: Who is that? Reshmi: No one. Uma: Is that Ramesh? Ramesh: Hello aunty. Uma: Why arent you wearing any clothes? Ramesh: I get very nervous in the evenings. Uma: What were you two doing? Ramesh: Nothing aunty. Just a movie. Uma: What movie? Dirty movie? Ramesh: Ha ha aunty. Youre funny. The movie starts again. Ramesh runs to the computer to shut it. Ramesh: Its on a USB, I can return it. Slight pause.

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Ramesh: Our boss recommended watching this to improve efficiency. Its work related. Homework on US culture. Uma: Last night there was such loud noise that Mr. Kapoor thought we had bought a dog. Today, the maid found a condom in the microwave and now this. What is going on in this house? Rashmi: Youre doing item numbers in the living roomthats whats going on in this house. Uma: You brought it. Rashmi: Why do you try things you dont understand. Carmen Electras horny music is aerobics exercise. What you were doing even Celina Jaitley would charge double. Uma: The teacher explained this is like Baba RamDevs exercise but with a pole. Rashmi: You dont know anything. Im going to America on holiday. NowSoon. Uma: What? Ramesh: Aunty, Statue of Liberty, Disneyland, Hollywood, Levis, White House, GAP, Niagara FallsUma: Ramesh, shut up. Youve never even been to Simla. Rashmi: Thats why. Ramesh: She got a prize from office. Uma: Youre not going out of this city alone. Rashmi: Ive already applied for my visa. Uma: The Building secretary called me in the school to say he woke up with the noises you two were making in the lift. Imagine what youll do in America! Ramesh: Aunty, Ill be in Powai. Uma: Then imagine what youll do with foreigners. Ramesh: You will?

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Reshmi: Have some decency, youre an Indian widow. Reshmi: She is a 21st century Indian widow. Uma: Ramesh, wear some pants. Ramesh: Aunty, you really dance well. Reshmi: Shut up.

Scene 15 Rameshs Flat India He is on the phone with Arun. Arun: (offline) Eh is ghari ka kitna milega. Chiragh Din, Im watching you.

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Ramesh: Sir, today there were five dead but tomorrow is a fresh day no. Arun: Fresh night. Ramesh: Yes, night. Arun: Chutiya, 700 rupiya ka chaddi pehna hua hu mein. Phat. 700 rupiya dega? Yeh Rolex hain. Rolex janta hain suar? Rolexkaminerolex! Tonight. Ramesh: Yes tonightI meant tonight. Arun: Youre going to be absent tonight? Ramesh: No no Arun: Because if you are, Ill come to your slum in Vashi and burn it down. Ramesh: Sir, I understand I am on last warning (sees his family sitting) please forgive me, my family(hangs up) what happened? Anything bad? Gautam: She found a boy. Ramesh: What? Anjali: Im in love. Gautam: Everything is set for marriage. December. Hari Baba says 23rd, that day Venus is sitting in Saturns lap being slowly touched by Neptune - 1 am thats the time. Ramesh: What is going on here? Anjali: Well I set my Facebook status to Anjali Is Looking For Husband Today and this one really really cute guy responded. Finally. And its his real profile pic. Hes been flirting for 3 hours straight. We both skipped lunch. Gautam: I found out who he is. Santosh, from the Orissa cadre, I&B ministry has an uncle who has a friend who knows a man who retired from Bank of Punjab, its the son of this mans friends cousin. I had Inspector Gawde track his IP address.

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Ramesh: Who is he? Gautam: Event Manager for Harshads Sexy Events. Works in Pune. Not like you, works during the day. Whats his name? Anjali: Varun. Varun Govind. But online he calls himself Wild G Thang. I find that hot. Ramesh: So youve met him? Anjali: I wrote on his wall. Hes really nice. I said hello, he immediately said hi. I said what brand t shirt are you wearing? He said Reebok, naturally. So automatically I knew he was cool. Then I threw a virtual sheep at him. He wrote Ouch on my wall. I said meow then grrr. Thats going on now all morning. My last message said How many children are we having? He hasnt responded. I think hes religious. Gautam: The main thing is just now, his daddy and I talked. We are ok with it. She insists it is confirmed love. Anjali: Ya. Gautam: They are traditional but understand that some education is not entirely a bad thing for women very forgiving family. Rare. Ramesh: Why dont you meet him for a coffee? Anjali: I dont want to spoil it. Our love right now is perfect on Broadband. Gautam: What can happen over Coffee? You dont see the danger? What if she tells him that the teenager who brought out the ad last month in Mumbai Mirror offering a nude internet show to motivate MPs was her? Not only will we lose a potential husband, you might get a customer for your suicide hotline. Anjali: I can hear you. Or I could tell him about my offer to ICICI to have dirty instant message chats with their HNI clients.

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Gautam: HNI Clients. See what I mean. And they dont want much dowry. just one plasma TV, two refrigerators and one money plant. Ramesh: We have to pay? Gautam: Yes and I can contributezero. Nothing. The government just put my retirement in a 50 year SBI Fixed Deposit. We are on year 3. I had no idea someone will be willing to marry her this fast. I had no idea anyone would be willing to marry her. Anjali: I am very romantic around 7.30 in the evenings. Just ask people on Orkut. Gautam: I dont even understand what she says. Anjali: What if we wait a few daysmonthsyears? Gautam: If someone is willing, we shouldnt lose the candidate and if she cant have him, shes threatening to Anjali:auction myself on baazi.com. Gautam: See. So will you pay? Anjali: And I want a Ritu Kumar Dress. Gautam: Huh? Gautam: You said youll pay for Malad flat, new Hyundai cant you add big wedding at ITC? Ramesh: What? Anjali: No Taj. Ramesh: Taj? Gautam: Plane tickets for all relatives from Bhopal. Anjali: How much will Shekhar Suman charge for appearance? Gautam: Not much. May ten.

Ramesh: Thousand?

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Gautam: Lakhs. So can I confirm to the boys family, say all ok? Youre sweating. Anjali: Please say yesplease say yes Ramesh: (nervous) YES! Gautam: Yes, Mr. Govind hello. It is confirmed. Welcome to the family.

Scene 16 A New York Hotel Room and Mumbai Reshmi: Hello. Arun: Listen Hillary, Im sorry to disturb your vacation but I not really sorry. Its a special case, everyone feels only you can handle- can I connect you?

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Reshmi: Hello, Sir, what a city this New York! The 23rd floor of Mandarin Oriental Hotel. Theres a thing called bubble Jacuzzi next to my bed. Arun: Careful of the bubbles. Reshmi: I ate my first cream cheese bagel Sir Arun: Chicmagnet, when Alexander was told to fight a war, did he say he was eating a cream cheese bagel in a Jacuzzi? And its pronounce Bajele. This is a Code Special Alert Case. I was about to trace location and call police because I am a genius but then my brain is smarter than me, it said to me, this is chance for Rashmi to wear my Reid& Taylor suit, so its your chance, if you cant, no one can. Reshmi: Fine. Whats the case?

Arun: He is fucked up deude, locked up in a hotel room saying stupid things like I am a fucked up deude. Mad guy. Reshmi: Ok Sir. Let me speak to him. Hello? (accent comes on) Suicide Watch, this is Meghan, how can I help? Arun: Transferring, thank you for holding sir, Mr. Bin Laden, this is Meghan, she is our expert, she can help you. Bin Laden: My name is Osama Bin Laden. I was born in Yemen. I founded a company called Microsoft. Later, I became the 1st African American President of the United States. I also freed Palestine and discovered the Internet. I have the formula to Coca Cola. Reshmi: Ha ha ha Bin Laden: You find that funny? You know what else is funny? Second Life. Do you know it? Its like this world on the internet, where you can just fucking live. Like pay rent and stuff and have virtual frappuccinos. Someone said, oh, its a great way to meet people, go to a virtual nightclub, grab a beer, say whats up. What? I can barely sit through a polite meal with family in my first life, why would I want to wait in a long line outside a nightclub that isnt even there? And what if they dont let me in? Look, its still the same shit world with the same people,

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just logged on! I mean will stuff change there? You know then I think- I think we will run out of oil and food and water and everything will be destroyed by floods and earthquakes- and maybe all well have then is broadband and 2nd life. You think of that? Arun: Reshmi, I have put a hold on the line. Clintonista, have traced call to New York, should I inform police? Reshmi: No sir, no need, hes bluffing, Im sure. Arun: Youre sure? Reshmi: Yes sir. He doesnt have a bomb or anything. He isnt in any hotel, hes in his house probably playing with his penis. Lonely person. Trust me, I can tell, I have had many callers like this. Arun: If you were anyone else, I wouldnt leave you alone with Osama Bin laden. But you know how to fuck him back. Bin Laden: Hello? Reshmi: Sir, go down to your local bar. Get drunk. will realize not everyone thinks youre a psycho. You

Bin Laden: You know Meghan, when all this is over, everyone will thank Osama Bin Laden. Theyll say he started it. And he ended it. Im going to kill myself now. Goodbye. Reshmi: Sir, dont go, please dont go. Just tell me where you are. Bin Laden: Its a cool autumn evening. Theres traffic and people under me. Im in a hotel but I hate hotels. They are dead. Hotels are hollow yellow holes of salesmen, fornicators, traveling professions. Reshmi: OK sir, which hotel? Bin Laden: Im on the 23rd Floor of this Chinese hotel, The Mandarin Oriental Towers. Is that Japanese or Chinese? Reshmi: Thats not possible sir, because Im on the 23rd floor of the Mandarin Oriental

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She opens her window, Osama is standing on the edge. The city below him. They see each other. Bin Laden: Hello. Reshmi: Hi. Reshmi: What are you doing there sir? Bin Laden: Im about to kill myself. Reshmi: I see. Bin Laden: Im Osama Bin laden. Who are you? Reshmi: I am I amReshmi stays silent. Bin Laden: You have a phone? Can you get me Meghan, I was talking to Meghan. Shes probably in the mid west somewhere. If you get me Meghan, I wont do something bad for 5 minutes. Dial this number, 1-800-534Arun: Jesus, youre facing the client? Same hotel, same floor, he wasnt lying? I said Chicamama, dont go to the US, I said. Fuck. Bin Laden: I need you to tell me why I shouldnt kill myself. Arun: Say something, youre my best biatch! DO SOMETHING! Bin Laden: I need you to tell me something I want to hear. Arun: Can you distract him? Take off your clothes. What are you wearing? Can you hit him? Is there a TV or a phone near you? Throw it. Reshmi: Sir, what you need to do right now isBin Laden: What do I need to do right now? Reshmi: I dont know what to say. Bin Laden: Then watch this.

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Arun: Clintonamera? Hillary Duff? Hello? Tell me something Chicmango. Something. Reshmi: He jumped Sir.

Scene 17 Bombay and Connecticut, USA Ramesh at work. Amy: What the fuck? My name is Amy and Im 13 years old and I realize that Ill never be as hot as Scarlett Johansen. Never. I want to die.

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Ramesh: Hold on Amy. (offline) Subodh, Scarlett Johansen is a Hollywood actress no? Which one is she? Subodh: Blonde. Ramesh: Eh ganduhow does that help me? Subodh: She did one movie Ramesh: What? Subodh: That Lost Ramesh: QuicklyLost what? Subodh: Just say Lost ya. Ramesh: Sure? Employee 3: No. Ramesh: (Online) Let us, together, try to solve the problem Miss Amy Amy: Cheetah. Call me Cheetah. Im Amy, but like the tropical mammal, agile never intimidating. Thats what my friends call me. Look, I may be in 7th grade but like I know every friggin line of every Scarlett movie. Evelyn Waugh was a man. Are you in Tokyo alone?. Ive done everything for Scarlett. Ive got like six facebook fan sites, Myspace I dont even want to get into and like the postings on Twitter and Bebo and can I just tell you, her publicist, stylist, manager whatever, Ive saved emails from all of them. Like, there are 2 fan-sites for her and like four unofficial and Im like registered and like a moderator on 3 of the yahoo groups. But like what no one knows is that you get her best gossip on the Scarlett Go Die sites. Like theres one thaturghh!!!! I so hate her. You know? (she starts crying) Ramesh: I can totally understand your emotion. Amy: Scarlettt!!!!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!!!!! Why are you doing this to me??????? You fucking Bitch!!!!!!! Will you love me when I leave a suicide note blaming you? Will you like that- you slut? She was in Spiderman also.

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Slight pause Ramesh: Do you want to talk to Miss Scarlet? Amy: What? You guys can do that? Ramesh: Yes. Amy: Here? Now? Ramesh: We have her number. If we tell her what youre about to do, maybe shell listen. Amy: Greg, are you shitting me Greg? Ramesh: (offline) Who can do hot blonde voice? Please. Subodh: Coffee break is on. No one is here. Ramesh: Wheres Sonalee? Employee 2: She went to 1-800-Blow Job? Ramesh: Fuck man. Amy: Greg? Ramesh: I am trying Ms. Johansens cell phoneplease hold. Amy: Oh my GOD! Huge scream. Ramesh removes headset Ramesh: Madam, please control yourself. (to colleagues) Where can I listen to Scarlett Johansen? Subodh: Chill man, its India just do American girl voiceyou remember training? Amy: Youre actually like fucking doing something to get her? Shes in Italy shooting for Lars Von Ramesh: Yes, yes, we have just located her outside Rome. We are arranging urgently. Please hold. Please switch off the oven. Amy: Holy fucking shit.

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Ramesh: Have you moved away from oven? Amy: Yeah, yeahits not even on. Ramesh: Ms Cheetah, you will now be connected to Ms Scarlett Johansen. She is busy, you only have 2 minutes to talk to her. Silence. Ramesh: Ms. Amy Cheetah, are you there? Amy: (terrified) Yes. Ramesh: Here you goconnectingMs. Johansen, youre speaking with Ms. Amy. Thank for taking time off shooting for this emergency. Ramesh: Amy? Amy: Yes. Ramesh: Amy, listen to me, this is Scarlett. You have to listen to me ok. Killing yourself is not going to get you any closer to me, yes. If you want to be my friend, I need you alive. I need youright nowto STOP anything that will destroy your home, property or injure yourself. Amy: (crying) I love you. You have no idea how much. Ramesh: I love you too, I have to go now ok. You promise to NOT do anything bad to yourself tonight. You could, instead, watch one of my movies till your folks get home? Amy: I promise Scarlett. Ramesh: Good. Ill send you an autographed DVD of Lost ok? Amy: Ok Scarlett. Thank You Scarlett. Ramesh: I am glad to hear. I am going now, youll absolutely promise to behave? Amy: I swear. Never again. Ramesh: Ok, bye. Shall I tell 911

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to call on you and check? Amy: No, Im going to go to Annes house and well watch Girl With A Pearl Earring. Scarlett? Ramesh: Yeah. Amy: You do renaissance so well! Ramesh: Thank you. Disconnect. Ramesh: YESS!!!!!!!!

Scene 18 Call Center,India Aruns Office. Rashmi sitting. Arun: One minute hes there, next minutepoosh. Pile of broken bones, smashed head Reshmi: Sir I dont want to think of it. Arun: Body parts everywhereBloodeeughh Reshmi: Sir

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Arun: It was brave what you did. Really brave. What are the chances? 1 in a million? You and the client next to each other? Messed up. Reshmi: Anyone would have done what I did in that situation. Arun: Yeahum it can. Sure. Fuck anyone though, its too many people, its not specific enough. You know what is? You. I didnt give anyone a pole, I gave you a pole. And the thing about you, chipaqua, is that you work for me. I gave you a pole I used to love, caress and dance aroundto you. Why? Because I thought you were someone who would take that pole from me and make it even taller. You would be on top, pole under you. A winner. I was even going to teach you how to eat Sushi. Now if we look at your performance curve since you, well, killed Osama, 21 deathsnow thats a bit of a cause of concern isnt it? Actually, Id say its total fucking shit. Absolute total complete fucking rubbish. And I would hit you, if this was Saudi Arabia. If you worked in outsourcing in the Middle Ages, they would burn you at the stake but this isnt and I am a patient man. I have studied history. In the last 6 months, youve shown up as a red in the employee review of everyone at this call center. What is a red? Reshmi: Zero saves sir. Arun: We have 2000 people. Youre the worst 2000 people, and you were my best, now that perfect career advance wouldnt you say? In say, its the exact opposite of that. It is in your worth, thats what I would say. performer of is what? Not a fact, I would a 100% decline

Reshmi: Maybe I take one or two calls less sir because I get these flashesArun: You kids here think Im busy at Blue Frog Bar fucking consulate chicks but in fact, I hear everything. More than God or wire-tapping. There are some things that even media dont hear and they call me to ask. I hear you come late, you dont come, you lie about the number of calls you make. You know its all tracked yeah? In PeopleSoft, I record then I record in my head, you know all this? Reshmi: Sir, given what happened, a person needs time to recover. Its only human.

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Arun: Chick no more, You may think I wanted to do this one on one session to understandwhat went wrong? In America, its called post-traumatic stress. But I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THAT. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO NEEDED TO BE SAVED AND YOU FAILED THEM. YOU FAILED ME. YOU PIECE OFAUNTYAUNTY? Reshmi: Mama?

Arun: Your mother has something to say to you. Reshmi: What are you doing here? Arun: Aunty? Uma: Sweetheart, your boss introduced me to a wonderful man my age. Arun: My mizo friend Tenzig Chooha. Uma: He in my pole dancing class. Arun: Coincidence. Chance. Tell her whats happened. Uma: Last night he has asked me to marry him and move to London. I really love him. But he has grown up kids in the UK, hes divorced but they stay with him and you know how it is there. But he said if you wanted to, you could visit anytime, there would be a room for you. Its the first time Ive ever found something that I really want to do since your dad died. Some genuine happiness. Then youre here and I have to think about that. What do you think a mother should do? Give up on something so perfect or carry on living like this? Reshmi: Why are you telling me this here? What is going on? Why didnt you tell me earlier? Uma: Arun said he was like a parent to you. Arun: Papa. Reshmi: He said I come to office and tell you. Arun: We had a one on one heart to heart tete a tete, right aunty?

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Uma: Yes. Arun: So what should she do Rashmi? Uma: What should I do? Reshmi: You should go. Arun: See aunty, I knew she loves you. Now will you give us a few minutes auntyoffice work? Uma: Of course. Uma Leaves. Arun: So you have to be all alone now. That is your punishment for fucking up. You did well, I gave you New York. You fucked up, you lost your mother. In Roman Times, if you lost a war you became a slave and they cut off your arm, here, mother bye bye. But then I think, youre were my Top Gun, you were my cheerios, how can I let this happen? Sudha? A woman enters. Reshmi: Who is this? Arun: Sudha. Sudha, say hi to Rashmi. Sudha: Hello. Arun: Sudha is my present to you. Reshmi: I dont understand. Arun: Sudha is a woman. She has no children. You lost your mother. In business terms, its a perfect fit. Reshmi: What? Arun: She is your new mother. She is on an 8 hour shift plus overtime and dont worry, Im paying, so you can do whatever daughter things you want. Reshmi: Are you saying?

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Arun: Yes, I have outsourced your mother to Sudha. She has no training but she will pick up skills as she goes along. Reshmi: Sir, I dont need a new mother. Arun: Are you sure? Reshmi: Yes. Arun: Its a shame. Ok Sudha go. Sudha: ButArun: Fuck off please. Sudha leaves. Reshmi: Sir I would like to resign. Arun: Ha ha ha Reshmi:I cant take this anymore. Arun: You really want to do that? Do you know what I will do to you? Ramesh? Ramesh enters. Arun: Rashmi is leaving 1-800. Do you have anything you want to say to her? Ramesh: I dont think we can meet again. Arun: As I explained to him, if you did not work here, I see no point in your relationship. There are plenty of chicks in the seaof chicks. This oneits ok if we dont catch it. I meant you. What do you have to say Ramesh? Ramesh: Yes sir. Reshmi: Were engaged. Ive told everyone. You said were marrying in December. We were going to design the email invitation tonight. Arun: So was Henry the eighth. He was engaged eight times. Thats why the name. But did he marry once? No. Why? He was probably getting a promotion at Suicide Watch.

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Ramesh: Im sorry. Reshmi: No, Im sorry. Arun: We all make mistakes. I accept biatch. Reshmi: Sir, Id like to touch your feet. Arun: Yes. Respect. I knew you were a smart. The thing is Chinese chequers, you need to know where you belong. You belong here. And you cant go anywhere else. Today you have to bend over but when you improve, I will again reward you. She bends down and boxes his testicles. He wallows and moans. She is about to hit Ramesh. He bends. She leaves. Arun: GIVE ME MY POLE BACK!

Scene 19 Various Locations (3), India A Bowling Alley. Arun: Ramesh, my chow mein, Topaz says he gave your dad the bowling alley reserved for John Abraham. What do you think of that? Ramesh: Sir, my father is a little angry, he is not used to bowling. Gautam: Why are they telling me to take off my shoes? This is not Tirupathi. And why are people calling a strike?

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Anjali: No ones calling a strike. When all the nine pins fall, thats a strike dad. Arun: Tell him India is changing bro. He has to change with it. Ramesh: Sir, his bowling ball just went in the wrong lane. Sorry. He refuses to change. Arun: So did Hitler. Look what happened there. Look Bro, youre the nothing now. Youre the nothing with the cash in the house. If youre the shit, you dont have to take shit. Tell him. Gautam: They are playing La Bamba, the ball is too big. I cant focus. Ramesh: If you dont like it, go home and watch BBC. Gautam: Its my family! Ramesh: Its my Santro. Whoever wants to go home in the car can stay with me. Anjali: Im staying. A Hill Gautam: Why are we on this hill Mr. Gupta? Arun: We are about to bungee jump old man. Ramesh: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! Gautam: Ramesh! Arun: Relax. Hes tied to a suspension chord. Its a 100 foot drop. Fucking mad rush of blood to the head. Unless, the chord snaps, thenoops. No more daddy cooldaddy dead. Anjali: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Gautam: Anjali! Arun: Theres she goesblowsha ha ha

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Gautam. We could have had tea at The Royal Bombay Yacht Club. I am a member. Arun: Fuck tea. And Fuck your clubs with due respect old man Rameshs father sir. Gautam: Gautam. Arun: Yes old man Rameshs father sir. All clubs will become Raheja corporate parks for people like me serving American businesses. New India negro. Now have some red bull and jump. Gautam: Im not jumping off a cliff in Khandala. I dont have enough Insurance. Arun: You know what the problem with people like you is? Chance. Never taken a chance. Why? No testicles. All your life, if you fall, some government pension will hold you by the balls. Me? I fall. I erect. I say, Im back boss. Now say. Youll just keep standing here watching me go down on you. And your life will pass watching India jumping. Bye old man. FUUCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A Honda Showroom Gautam: Mr. Arun, Can you please explain why you want to buy my son a Honda? He already has a Hyundai Santro. Arun: Lots of people ask me, why this Arun Gupta? Why that? Why The Honda City? I say, fuck you. I wont tell you. Yes, Im rude. Yes, its wrong to abuse people but tell me, if its the best car in the Indian market, why should I be quiet? Your son is my new biatch, he deserves this car. So I will buy it for him. Gautam: Im not feeling well. Ramesh: Dad, this has Bose sub-woofers. Can you understand how big that is? Gautam: When I die, youll see. Arun: Dont listen to him, Parents always say that. It never happens.

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Gautam: I cant breathe. Arun: Listen, Nehru of Vashi, do you understand that my call center has seamless parking? Automatic parking garage from car to cubicle. That means everyone can see what Ramesh, Team Leader is driving. What if team member has a Toyota Camry then Leader has a bloody Santro? My dog has Santro. Can life be like that? Ramesh: Sir, hes shivering. Arun: But if you drive up in this Honda City, that says fuck you team. Fuck you because you are not in this car, I am. I am the Team Leader. Leader. Ramesh: Sir I think its some attack. Dad, you want to sit. Ramesh: Dont worry. All these colonial Indians are weak. They drink sherry. Gautam falls Ramesh: Oh Shit Arun: Is he dead? Ramesh: No sir, he Arun: Dead, yes? tell me, tell me Ramesh: Hes stopped breathing. Hes not. You know. He might be Arun: Dead. I told you. Confirm it? Im waiting. Ramesh: Daddadwake upDad Arun: Hes had it cinnabon. You are in charge now. India is waiting. He was old. You are young. Go make some noise in the world. Youre free. Ramesh: Dad! Ambulance Arun: Its no use, really.

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Scene 20, Aruns Office

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Arun and Sarah at Aruns office. Sarah: Arun, I gave you 40,000 dollars. Arun: I have saved over 2000 American lives, just with phones and people skills, in Bombay. Ramesh: Listen up fuckers, these Americans are your accent coaches. For the next 8 weeks, they are your mother, father, husband, jyotshi, dildo, everything. Whatever they say Sarah: What happened to my money? Arun: Forget it. What I am here to announce today is the next frontier in a cut-throat global business landscape. What is the new new thing in outsourcing? The map of India changes to a broken heart. Arun: Love. In todays blackberry facebook twitter youtube myspace generation, when a young person spends most of his or her waking hours on the internet, is there any need to fall in love in person? US Divorce rates are over 60%, most of Europe is single, so its clear that live relationships dont work. Our numbers show that there are over 300 million single attractive photogenic Indian men and women, and over sixty million single Americans. Thats almost a choice of almost 4 single people for every single American. The American consumer wins, again. If this indeed is the next Google, do you want to say you missed the boat? Do you? If not, theres only one answer. India. Jai Ho. Sarah: What is the market potential? END OF PLAY

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