Now, every man knows what sexual things please him--but some
men, particularly those who have not been married before and
are therefore lacking experience, don't seem to know much about
how to give the same pleasure to the woman; even worse, some
men do know but they can't be bothered to make the effort. Yet
this is vital if a marriage is to succeed and not just be a
disappointing burden for the woman, and it is a vital part of one's
Islamic duty.
God's Messenger(s) said: "In the sexual act of each of you there
is a sadaqa." The Companions replied: "0 Messenger of God!
When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward
for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon
it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it
lawfully he will be rewarded." (Muslim)
This hadith only makes sense if the sexual act is raised above the
mere animal level.
What is the magic ingredient that turns sex into sadaqa, that
makes it a matter of reward or punishment from Allah? It is by
making one's sex life more than simple physical gratification; it is
by thought for pleasing Allah by unselfish care for one's partner. A
husband that cannot understand this will never be fully respected
by his wife.
"Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you
might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and
mercy." (Quran, 30:21)
Now, every Muslim knows that a man has a right on his wife.
However, because nikah is a contract never to seek sexual
satisfaction outside the marriage bond, Islam commands not only
the women but the men in this respect, and makes it clear that if
a husband is not aware of the urges and needs of his wife, he will
be committing a sin by depriving her of her rights.
This is another of the things implied by the saying that one's wife
is "a tilth unto you." (Quran, 2:223) The imagery is that of a
farmer taking care of his fields. According to Mawlana Abul-Ala
Mawdudi:
"The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he
does not sow it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will
injure or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate, and does
not run riot." (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981,
p.285)
“Take hold of his wife and rub the seed and finish the business of
procreation. The damage in this case could sometimes be
irreparable, because a woman, unlike a farm, is very sensitive
and has emotions, feelings, and strong passions which need full
satisfaction and attention in a proper and appropriate manner.”
(Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p. 286)
If this is not taken into consideration, and the wife is not properly
prepared to start lovemaking, or is unsatisfied when it is finished,
there could be many psychological and physiological
complications leading to frigidity and other abnormalities. Indeed,
many husbands eventually become disappointed with their wives,
believing them to be frigid or unable to respond to their activities
(unlike the sirens on the film or TV screen), and they wonder
what is wrong with them. A possible explanation will follow in a
moment.
Allah created male and female from a single soul in order that
man might live with her in serenity (Quran, 7:189), and not in
unhappiness, frustration and strife. If your marriage is frankly
awful, then you must ask yourself how such a desperate and
tragic scenario could be regarded by anyone as "half the Faith."
According to a hadith:
"Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let
there first be a messenger between you." "And what is that
messenger?" they asked, and he replied: "Kisses and words."
(Daylami)
Many people believe that the expression in the eyes reveals much
of the human soul. Certainly the lover's gaze is a most endearing
and treasured thing. Many wives yearn for that gaze of love, even
after they have been married for years. If you cannot bring
yourself to look at her while paying attention to her, she can only
interpret this as a sign that you do not really love her. And even
though it may be irritating to you, and seem quite superfluous,
most women are deeply moved when a man actually tells her that
he loves her.
Sex is clean!
Email: Ruqaiyyah@aol.com
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