HI.

I was thinking about so many things this morning, and watching a few spirit ual programs that were very well presented - one was a class on the Power of K abbalah, and the other was Living the Discerning Life, which I finished watching - about the teachings of St. Ignatius of Loyola, based on his own experiences. I could never follow this kind of advice, no matter how spiritual I felt I wante d to be, or how necessary a change would be. Yet I like when ideas are given in detail, practically, and they make some sense. The Rabbi is correct - Chaim Solomon is his name - absolutely - no pain, no gai n. All advancement has some kind of struggle or effort. To let in the light - to follow what brings you peace - to avoid negativity or r eacting negatively - this always makes sense. I had formed a new definition in my mind of what a loser is - not a person who d oes not succeed, not a person who has no skills or talents, or doesnt use them not a person who is overweight, or socially inept - none of these to me made se nse. I was thinking of what is inside that truly brings you peace, and happiness. Wh at makes others feel good, or easier to be with. To me, a loser is someone who treats others badly, or with indifference. Who del iberately abuses others, or laughs at them, or looks down on them. The intellec t and the achievements and how someone looks must take a back seat to how well y ou handle your emotions and how well you treat other people. this love, or self love extended to others, love of life, of nature, and maybe e ven God, is truly what brings this warmth or self confidence, this ease of being in the world. That must feel amazing! And that to me is the highest achievemen t - this sense of peace, of confidence, of love, of acceptance. How you treat animals, children, old people, homeless, everyone around you, whet her you hurt them or are indifferent - this is the only definition i feel that m atters of whether you are a success or not. How well you love, or try to love, to care, to extend some caring to others, tha t is a higher level person. A person who makes a lot of money, or looks beauti ful, can be a mess inside, empty or cruel. I always say this and said it today - if i am a loser, if you call me that, plea se do not call me that because of my looks, or my wasted life, or my lousy perso nality. Please i would prefer if you dont call me names at all! but if you do, make your criteria something deeper and better than what I just wrote above. A nd then again, as the Rabbi said, this is between you and the Creator. The light . No one else one of my pet peeves was the emphasis on charity. Giving to others is always a great idea, give if you can, even if you cant, find small ways, any ways. But ne ver feel guilty. Never let anyone force you or put you down. God does send you people and situations, to help you learn, to help your heart grow, He will do th is for you, if you keep yourself open. But the one thing i do not like is when people tell others how to live, or how t o spend their money, or what to feel. It has to come from your heart, and belie ve me, it will. People need to focus on their lives, their areas, what they can do, and leave others alone. What people may never see is that what is in your life already, in your home or

your area, is your calling. It is your chance to love, to grow, to give, to help , to feel compassion. So while they are busy talking about faraway places and p eople they do not know, God may have put someone or something right in front of them that they do know, or that they can change. And it may be here that they screw up. It is here that they refuse to care, or t o give, or to love. May actually be making things worse. So next time somebody t alks to you in a way that seems insulting or designed to make you feel guilty, a bout charity, or giving to others, just mention this. Mention that they need to look at their own lives their own situations, people that are there already that they are neglecting or actively hurting in some way. That is their Charity. That is their mission. While they are donating tell them to look closer to home. I do give in small ways, in easy ways, but no matter what I do, or if i do more, or have done more, that is my business. And God knows. i realize sily. Way there was ary and i to a sort I w g then that one thing that keeps me from changing is my giving up too ea too easily. On a day when i felt perfect, peaceful, open and giving, still something that happened that seemed so small, petty and unnecess just gave up inside, literally closed my eyes, hid my face and went in of sleep. I was that depressed, that discouraged.

thought it wasnt worth it and may never be. Of course, i knew something else you have to keep doing what you know is right and peaceful. You have to follo what you know is the loving thing. Yes, i knew this. Still do. Yet somethin nags at me - i have wasted so much time, so many years. I felt that, okay, if i do this, i still might be proud, and peaceful, i may get better reactions fro m others, a more loving relationship, but i still sometimes dont want to be wher e i am. I still may need a change of some kind, whatever God decides for me, or helps me to make. That is not wrong. That may be what you are supposed to fee l, for a reason only your soul and fate knows. Divine discontent? Remember my novel? The Divine never brings discontent, only peace, Cameron. Well, some kind of discontent. Fate nudging you, something pul ling at you, or pushing you. But whatever happens, or wherever you go, or wheth er you are destined to stay, being a more patient person is beautiful. It is muc h better to go through life like this. If you give it time, and keep staying in that peace, maybe you will see results. Maybe the same shit will keep coming up, forgive my language! but at least you did what was right, what you were suppos ed to. and you knew some measure of serenity. it is hard to love yourself when you are constantly irritated or angry. Very ha rd. Hard on others too. On one of the shows today, Father Timothy Gallagher, EWTN, he quoted Blaise Pasc al, an unusual quote (and I am paraphrasing from memory): When I see all the terrible things in the world, the wars, the cruelty, the fightin g, i can think of only one cause: Father here asked the audience to stop, to think. What would they name the cause ? And then he continued. the reason for all the terrible things in the world is because people do not know h ow to stay alone in their rooms

Beautiful, isnt it? they do not know how to stay and talk to God, to feel peace , to be with themselves, to know who they are, they want to go outside, do thing s, bother other people, engage in the world. They never get to know that quiet, that solitude, that can end hatred, chaos. It can be as basic as not being abl e to leave others alone, having to get into their faces and their lives in a way that is disruptive and harmful. Or it can be as subtle, complex, as never know ing the peace of stillness, never knowing who you really are, and loving that, b eing content with yourself, and trying to reach God. I hope you liked my random thoughts!