And Down Will Come Tower, Wire And Wall

Ottos lot had always been a hostile bunch. Nigel didnt mind a bit of aggression, now and then. In fact, he respected it. His lads had done pretty well in carving up the world, even if theyd let it slip from their grasp during his nap. Otto used to drone on about how his Wunders in Prussia and Bavaria were bullying the rest of Europe as if that was hard. Africa, America, The East and West Indies now that was impressive. And when Ottos bunch had the nerve to try and poach it all in one go, his lads had shown the Jerrys just how impressive by kicking them all the way back into their own patch. Of course, the Yanks and Tavars cutthroats had done their part. He wished hed been around to watch

Illustration:CHRISTOPHERLEE>

ISSUEONE--NIGEL#2

DOWNLOADLATESTISSUE>

ANDDOWNWILLCOMETOWER,WIREANDWALL

Winston do his thing, though. We shall never surrender indeed. How soon people forget, if you let them. Well, he was awake now. If it was the last thing he ever did, he was going to remind this generation of hand-holding, ask questions first, shoot later pussy-farts the meaning of resolve. It shamed him to call his own children such a name but you never got anywhere without facing up to the truth of things. Half of them so wanted to be part of the modern world that they were afraid to do anything which might offend the bloody community. He hated that word. Worse, the other half, who werent afraid to speak up, thought that everything was theirs by right.

Fools. Taking something was only a tenth of the job. Holding on to it and crafting it into something of which you can be proud... ah, that was the real test. Couldnt beat Germany, couldnt they? Well, he was going to make them understand why there were Three Lions on their shirts. First things first, though. He wasnt the sort to sneak up from behind. There was no honour in that. Besides, it always helped to know the lay of the land and hed been gone for quite a while. He wasnt exactly looking forward to seeing Otto though. While his own lot had been serving up conquered lands like mulled wine at a banquet, Ottos crew had quietly

been building up their strength. You had to admit, they were a patient bunch and knew when to strike. The Frogs may have cooked up this European Union ragout but the Jerrys were the muscle behind it, even if it was in trade, rather than more straightforward strength at arms. He was going to have to be careful until he knew exactly what he was about. Unfortunately, his temper didnt always take that into account. Taking a deep breath, he stepped out of the Ether and back into the earthly plane. He hadnt lost his touch. This was Berlin, even if there was an ugly scar cut right through the middle of it. A large broken wall, surrounded on either side by a wide swath of weed and rubble-strewn emptiness, stretched into the distance in either

ISSUEONE--NIGEL#2

DOWNLOADLATESTISSUE>

ANDDOWNWILLCOMETOWER,WIREANDWALL

direction. The air was fairly crackling with the buzz of this new alchemy called communications. The Jerrys always did know how to get the best use out of any tool. Underneath the surface noise he could sense a more subdued no stealthy humming. He focused on it until he could penetrate the interference around it. These were obviously important people, if they were going to such troubles for privacy. Some bloke named Guido was speaking in urgent tones to a frau named Angela. Did he really just refer to her as Madame Chancellor? Oh, thats right, they did have a bird running things here now. It was happening everywhere wasnt it? It had all started with that Bathsheba

tart and then Cleopatra. The worst was that Joan of Arc twit. Trust the Frogs to really stir things up. Ever since her, the fairer sex had been getting really pushy. The Lord and Lady knew he had nothing against a pretty maiden but life became very complicated when you let them get the upper hand. Realising that he needed a refresher course, he invoked Wiki again while waiting for Otto to cotton on to his arrival. A lost war. Another lost war. A Great War indeed! How humiliating for poor, proud Otto. He had turned things around, though, when war had gone out of fashion. Ottos boys had outstripped his lads with World Cup wins although he still wasnt sure about that idea they had named the goblet after a Frog,

hadnt they? That led to a disturbing thought. Sooner or later, those meddlers Pierre and Gaston would poke their greasy little oars in, sure as Guinevere had a wandering eye. One thing at a time, though. Hed cross that Channel when he came to it. His bunch had really cocked up this FIFA thing. Hed given them the game in the first place because he didnt have anyone to play with. Then theyd decided to keep it to themselves. Boneheads! A godly gift wasnt something to waste. It was inevitable that others would see them playing and, soon enough, try it for themselves. Theyd get good, too. Anyone could. That was the genius of the game, after all.

ISSUEONE--NIGEL#2

DOWNLOADLATESTISSUE>

ANDDOWNWILLCOMETOWER,WIREANDWALL

When the Frogs had organised everyone his lot were too put out and kept to themselves rather than taking the lead, as hed intended. In truth, theyd deserved all the misery that had come as a result, but punishment had been meted out in proper measure. He was back now, however. It was time to set things right. There was a shimmer of light off to his left. Ready for the worst, Nigel turned as, announced by a thunderous symphony, Otto arrived. He was dressed in a tailored suit, much like Nigel wore, although the pinstripes did nothing to straighten out Ottos exceptionally rotund form. What had happened to his hair, though? He used to have shoulder length locks, trimmed to frame his rosy cheeks and full lips. Now he was as

bald as a friar, with a treble chin forcing its way out from under a tight collar, to boot. There was more than a hint of a flab around his middle. That used to be all muscle. Talk about letting yourself go. He looked to be enjoying life, however. There was a ring of blazing gold with an enormous diamond on his right pinky and a shining chain, also of gold, hung from his jacket pocket. On his left arm was an understatedly large woman, dressed in a long red gown. Her exceedingly ample breasts were covered by armour plates polished to a sheen, and her cascading blonde hair was covered by a helm with curled horns protruding from either side. Even in her vastness, Nigel might have called her fair if only she was a bit

more judicious with the facial paint. Yet she was perfect for Otto. He was nothing if not ostentatious. Nigel? the Teutonic god intoned, his crisp syllables sounding less than pleased. What a surprise. Where have you been keeping yourself? Nigel shrugged. Been on a bit of a sabbatical, you might say. They sized each other up for a moment more, until Nigels eyes flickered over to Ottos female companion. Ottos lips curled into a half-smile and he nodded to the woman. This is Ramona, he said in introduction. She is my good compan-

ISSUEONE--NIGEL#2

DOWNLOADLATESTISSUE>

ANDDOWNWILLCOMETOWER,WIREANDWALL

ion. Ramona, this is Nigel, a... friend from England. Ramona separated herself from Ottos arm and extended her hand as she performed a half curtsy. Nigel took the proffered hand, fingers covered in rings and a heavy tangle of bracelets jangling from the wrist. He gently brushed his lips across its back. Enchanted, he murmured. Ramona, is it? Yes, she replied, batting her eyelashes at him as she settled back onto Ottos arm. Her voice had a high but powerful trill to it. But its just a stage name. Otto gestured to a nearby section of

the ruined wall, little less than waisthigh. A platter appeared on a stand with an array of delicious-looking repasts and two large flagons of fine German ale. Shall we? Otto invited. Nigel helped himself to some wellcooked bratwurst with just a spoonful of sauerkraut, hefted his huge mug and took a seat on the wall.

Otto did likewise. Ramona took a rather generous sampling of meats but seemed pouty about something. Suddenly, a silver goblet filled with chilled wine appeared in her other hand. Squeaking with delight, she gave Otto a smothering kiss on the cheek. Otto looked over to Nigel, a momentary blush appearing on his features. It was going to be difficult carrying on a serious conversation, having to stare all the while at the huge smear of rouge implanted by Ottos consort. In a desperate attempt to wrench his mind from it, Nigel took in the ruins again and nodded towards them. Whats all this, then?

ISSUEONE--NIGEL#2

DOWNLOADLATESTISSUE>

ANDDOWNWILLCOMETOWER,WIREANDWALL

Ottos light blush returned, deepening to a full crimson. He answered Nigels question in pained tones. It is what is left of the Berlin Wall. Nigels open expression invited further confession. In the last war, my people got... shall we say... somewhat carried away. I am sorry to say that the man I raised up as leader had far less control over his personal demons than I had anticipated. Your followers did quite well in your absence, to put him down. In your absence rankled a bit, as likely intended. Otto was recovering quickly from his embarrassment. Ramona, meanwhile, had left them

to it while she packed away the feast, chewing furiously and lost in the view. Otto went on with his story. They were aided of course. Their descendants on the far side of the ocean proved very powerful and, of course, it was a mistake to attack Tavar before consolidating our western position. His general turned out to be as much a butcher as mine, if not crueller. Yet Tavar had to pay a much heavier price, in the long run, for the atrocities he permitted. Nigel nodded. According to Wiki, the waste of life in Russia after the War had been outrageous. It is life which sustains a god, after all. Life and faith. Tavars chosen general had turned, taking both from his protector, through the pogroms and the

complete, merciless ban on religious worship. Otto was winding down his tale, now. The Russians came down on us out of the east and the Americans and you English from the south and west. When they had us beneath their boots, they couldnt agree on what to do with us. So, they divided the country in half and my beautiful city in four... Four? Nigel interrupted. Us lot, the Yanks and Tavar make three. Yes, but the French had to have their piece, even though they had to be liberated by the others.

ISSUEONE--NIGEL#2

DOWNLOADLATESTISSUE>

ANDDOWNWILLCOMETOWER,WIREANDWALL

Nigel sympathised with that much, at least. Thats Pierre and Gaston for you. Always trying to argue for what they cant take by force. Otto nodded in disgust and continued. So, they chopped Berlin into quarters and walled Tavars butcher off from the rest. It was called the Cold War, because there was no killing. It was like a siege which lasted a generation. In the end, we built ourselves back up, though. We always do and always will. There was pride in his voice but it was quickly subdued. Of course, we have done our best to make sincere amends for our transgressions and, as much as I wish for my Wunders to prosper, I do my best to not let them forget their shame.

Although my younglings were long separated, they finally became strong enough to reunite and the wall was taken down. Raising his eyebrows, Nigel looked around. Not your usual thorough job, though, is it? Ottos eyes flared in anger. It is left here as a reminder of our folly. Still, its a bit of a mess. Ottos cheeks were reddening again and a thunderhead was forming on his brow. Ramona was still nibbling and failed to notice, as Nigel continued his baiting. In fact, its a veritable eyesore, if you ask me. Especially those watchtowers. Can see them from miles away. A real shame, that is!

Plate and flagon flew in separate directions as Otto came off his perch. He could still move fast for his girth. Before Nigel could get his feet under him, Otto thumped him with a heavy right hand, sending him tumbling backwards off the wall. With a roar, half of rage and half glee, Nigel popped right back up, leapt over the ruins, catching Otto full in the chest and bowling the two of them over. They began rolling about in the rubble like a pair of schoolboys. As he rabbit punched Otto in the kidneys, receiving a finger in the eye for his trouble, Nigel revelled in the happy thought that some things, at least, never change. Ramona, suddenly aware of the commotion, squealed in distress and

ISSUEONE--NIGEL#2

DOWNLOADLATESTISSUE>

ANDDOWNWILLCOMETOWER,WIREANDWALL

danced nervously over them, trying to break up the melee. Boys! Boys! she cried. Stop this foolishness at once! You will hurt yourselves. Besides, there is no need. There is more than enough of me for both of you! As the two gods happily renewed their long rivalry, another piece of wall cracked loudly and fell to the ground, unnoticed.

ThisisanextractfromIssueOneofManandBall magazine:LetSleepingGodsLie. ThisissueintroducesNigelandfeaturesstories onGermanfootballsincereunification,African Arsenalfans,anunsungDutchlegend,and sevenotherintriguingarticles. ItcanbedownloadedinitsentiretyHERE>

ISSUEONE--NIGEL#2

DOWNLOADLATESTISSUE>