Chateline Print Seven habits of highly happy people Michele Sponagle Tue May 11 2010 Psychologist Adrian White

from the University of Leicester looked at more than 1 00 studies that tracked self-reported happiness around the world. Canada ranked 10th, behind nations like Denmark, Switzerland and Austria, while the United Sta tes lagged far behind in 23rd place. If we want to move up in the ranks, it s time to focus on things that are proven to positively impact on how we feel. 1. Focus on the present One thing we know from positive psychology is that we may be chasing the wrong t hings in the quest to feel better. We re really bad at predicting what makes us hap py, says Denise Clegg from the University of Pennsylvania (the world s first school to offer a master s program in positive psychology). We get caught up in future th inking and how things will be ideal once our conditions are met. That could be wh en you lose 20 pounds, land the perfect job or can afford a real Louis Vuitton b ag. People over-estimate the ability that material goods have to make us happy. B ut the feeling you get from them is temporary and fleeting, she says. The happies t among us already have this figured out. They don t exist in a world of if only or w hen I finally accomplish X, I will be more satisfied. Author and lecturer Tal Ben-Shahar cautions against the trap of living in the fu ture. In most cases, shortly after reaching some destination, we return to our ba se level of well-being, he wrote in his book Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment. Rather than allowing ourselves to remain enslaved by our pasts or futures, we must learn to make the most of what is presently in fr ont of us and all around us, he says, noting that a happier life is shaped experie nce by experience, moment by moment and not by single events. That doesn t mean we shouldn t have goals. According to Ben-Shahar, The primary objective of goals is to liberate you to enjoy the here and now, the journey. Ben-Shahar talks about selfconcordant goals, ones that are true to who you are and don t rely on extrinsic fac tors like trying to please your parents by becoming a doctor. He suggests settin g long-term goals with timelines, then planning daily and weekly activities to h elp you get there. 2. Put happiness on the agenda We need to have those times when we think about what it means to be happy, says Ia n Smith, a physician who writes and reports widely on health issues. Most of us operate at the speed of light, so it s easy to forget to check in with ourselves a bout our own happiness. The good news is you can grab the wheel and steer yourse lf in the right direction by building your personal roster of happiness-promotin g actions (things science types call intentional activities). If you re not sure w hat these things are for you, take a second and think about the things that you know make you feel good. Examples might be exercising, having a glass of wine wi th a friend, seeing a concert, playing with your kids or hosting a dinner party. Now write down as many as you can. This is your list of happiness triggers, and the trick is to regularly schedule a variety of them into your calendar. 3. Trust your neighbours If you lived on Wisteria Lane surrounded by desperate housewives, you might have good reason not to trust your neighbours. But otherwise, it increases our wellbeing to believe that people in general are much more honest and trustworthy tha n we may currently think, says John Helliwell from the University of British Col umbia. Going through life thinking that the world is a dangerous place and that p eople are evil is detrimental. This fear reduces our willingness to make social connections. We lose opportunities to connect. Evidence suggests that most people are inherently good, even when they don t trust others to be. A global poll asked participants about the likelihood of having t heir lost wallet with cash, photos and identification returned. Fewer than 25 pe rcent of Torontonians thought they d see it again. Maybe it s from watching too many

episodes of CSI, but we expect bad things to happen. But when the Toronto Star did an experiment last year in which 20 wallets were left around the city, the r eturn rate was 80 percent. Another global study tracked fear of robbery across 3 0 countries: 29 percent of respondents said they thought it was likely they woul d be burglarized in the next year. The actual probability was 3.5 percent (inclu ding attempted robberies). Despite what we think, the lesson here is that the wo rld is generally a good place and it s in our best interests to act as if we truly believe that. Since trust and social connections are so closely related, Helliwell suggests pu tting shyness aside in social situations. At least as an experiment, talk to peop le in elevators and buses, and provide that extra bit of consideration, eye cont act, a smile and a wave, when sharing public spaces. Helliwell tried the experime nt in his own life, complimenting new neighbours on their garden. This simple ge sture, he explains, extends the sort of friendly connections that put neighbours at ease and make them more trusting of one another. 4. Reframe and take stock When setbacks happen, happy people see them as temporary blips from which they w ill bounce back. Even if you re not predisposed to this glass-is-half-full outlook , you can train your brain to fight negative thoughts. As Smith explains, When so mething bad happens, look for the silver lining and believe things can get bette r. As with any kind of training, practice makes perfect, so the next time a rainy day threatens to spoil your afternoon in the park, actively choose to reframe y our thinking. Instead of being disappointed, view the detour as an opportunity t o pamper yourself with a long bath or re-watch episodes of Glee. Another happy-person way to cultivate optimism is to keep a gratitude journal. T o get going, start by writing down three to five things that went well each day and why, suggests Smith. Gradually you will find you have more to write about be cause focusing on good things puts the brakes on poor-me-with-a-sad-empty-life t hinking. But that s not all: Becoming more optimistic also means you ll be physicall y and emotionally healthier, more productive at work, and you ll even according to a study by the Mayo Clinic live longer. 5. Make close friends a priority Barbra Streisand got it right when she sang: People who need people are the lucki est people in the world. When Martin Seligman and his colleague Ed Diener studied the lives of the very happy, they found these people enjoy rich fulfilling soci al lives, have more close friends and spend less time alone than unhappy people. Other recent research suggests that meaningful connections with close friends a nd family matter most on the happiness scale. A few close relationships are also more satisfying than a myriad of how s the weather? relationships or virtual friend s. Seventy-seven percent of participants in a survey of 16 countries, conducted by Coca-Cola, said that real-world contact was a greater source of joy than the virtual kind. It helps too if those relationships are with happy people. For eac h happy friend you have, the probability of being happy yourself jumps by 9 perc ent, says a study in the British Medical Journal. If you feel you lack close friends, steal a page from the extrovert s book to crea te a more substantial social life, suggests research from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri. The study found extroverts tend to be happier than peopl e who had a neurotic, negative attitude about others. Try it yourself by committ ing to spending more time with people: Sign up for a salsa class, or host a movi e night for friends. 6. Give to get You don t have to devote your life to working with the less fortunate in India (th ough that s very good, too) to feel good. Small gestures, like giving flowers or d onating a couple of hours of your time to the local library, create what some ca ll a helper s high, a feel-good buzz that has lasting effects. A University of Calif ornia research team studied people who performed various acts of kindness over a 10-week period and found participants reported significantly higher levels of h

appiness, even one month after the study. Being good to others can also boost yo ur sense of self-worth, and it helps create stronger connections with people. An d as Seligman put it in one 2008 lecture, positive psychology is not happy-ology . It s focused on not just pleasure, but true meaningfulness. Contributing to the greater good and giving of yourself adds that layer of importance to life. 7. Tap into the power of no We are, generally, too busy, trying to squeeze more and more activities into less and less time. Consequently, we fail to savour potential sources of happiness t hat may be all around us, says Ben-Shahar. To remedy the situation, he suggests t urning down some opportunities, even when they may seem enticing. We often say yes to others, thereby saying no to ourselves, says Ben-Shahar. We need to simplify our lives, and one of the ways to do it is to be less consumed by technology, he says . It s okay not to check emails for a couple hours at a time; it s okay not to have o ur phones on 24 hours a day, seven days a week. He also recommends settling for good enough rather than perfect. When you revise you r expectations of yourself, you may find a good-enough approach provides relief, a nd that you will feel more energetic and focused. That was Ben-Shahar s experience one that led him to explore the topic further in his 2009 book, The Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer, Happier Life. For Ben-Shahar it s not just about what we do but also how much we do: We can be do ing all the right things that would normally make us happy, but if we have too m any of those right things, we will pay a price. He gives the example of listening to two of your favourite songs, first one, then the other. What if you played t hem both at the same time? You wouldn t be able to truly appreciate or hear either one. This is modern life. So many people ask me, Why aren t I happy? I have so many things going for me family, friends, work. The answer is the exact same reason t hat you don t enjoy listening to those two pieces of music simultaneously. There c an be too much of a good thing, and when it comes to happiness, less is often mo re.