Redneck on the Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if

convicted, would get the electric chair. His
brother found out that a redneck was on the
jury and figured he would be the one to
bribe. He told the redneck that he would be
paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of
the jury to reduce the charge to
manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and

returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the

redneck's home, told him what a great job he
had done and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to

convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him
go.

Moral of this tale: Don’t commit a crime in the Southern States of the US of A. especially
Arkansas, Tennessee, Georgia, North and South Carolina (in the morning) and Alabama.

Here is a great photo of an Air

Force training squadron flying in
a never-done-before "USA"
formation over the control tower
"Taj Mahal" (HQ building) of
Randolph Air Force Base in
San Antonio, Texas.
Pray for all our young men and
women serving our countries and
going into danger that we might
preserve our Freedom.
And especially pray for wisdom for
our country’s leaders.

The jets were moving at around 400 mph and the photographer had to be at
just the right angle to get the shot at that instant. That is a hard formation to
stay in as the planes in the "S" are just a little graduated degree behind the
next one and staying that way to maintain the formation is not easy.

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 And you thought she had a problem. Consider for a
moment why men end up marrying the partners they
do.
Men are prepared to compromise for the most part. If
they strike luck the first time, it can be said they knew
a good thing when they saw it.
If it failed and went belly up, well look around and
see if you can learn a life’s lesson and put it into
practise.
He who waits for the perfect woman is doomed to
eternal failure. They just don’t exist any more than the
perfect male of the species.
Talk about ungrateful. SO STOP WHINGING YOU
LOT, AND LIVE WITH IT!

A LESSON TO ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS

Indeed, an award should go to the

Virgin Airlines gate Attendant in
Sydney some months ago for being
smart and funny, while making her
point,
when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as
cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled

after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE
To be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able
to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers

behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone:

"May I have your attention please, May I have your attention please,"
she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a
passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can
help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Would you worry with a letter like this?

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of

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the bed. It was addressed,

"Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new
girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion
with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle
clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very
happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a
trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many
more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that
marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her
friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind
you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk centre drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

A lady walks into a BMW dealership

and browses around. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful car
and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine

leather upholstery, an unexpected little
fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks

around to see if anyone has noticed and
hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant
smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today? "

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had

happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? "

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted
just touching it, you are going to $hit yourself when you hear the price."

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.

3
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to
make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that
in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the
cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said;
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over
by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde
driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting more and more frustrated. "What
does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your
picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror and then handed it
back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop".
--
A woman's husband dies with $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral
home and cemetery she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The
friend says, "How can that be? The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of
course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the
wake, food and drinks, you know... The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says,
"$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" "Three carats!" replies the widow.

--

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored
black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He
points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow,
however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she
wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she finds her husband
dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says
to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very
grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the
blank cheque. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of
that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him
going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as
he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the
rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to
play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at
the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind
impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about
10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again
and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

4
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz
improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The
crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and
truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to
him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up
onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing... "A jazz chord... to say... I ruv
you..."

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a
secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and longevity. One
evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know
it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred
and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" "What?" she asks. "SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I
know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can
oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk
and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at the usual meeting place. Mildred becoming
alarmed, decided to find Harold and make sure he was all right. She walked around the senior
citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who
was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does
Ethel have that I don't have? Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"

A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in journalism. His first
assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from
Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills near the Great Lake, introduced
himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man
asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got
lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home." "I can't
print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that
made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good
looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted
her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here
that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man
and said, "I got lost once."

In the back woods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. A
doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous redneck busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold
this high so I can see what I'm doing."

5
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Enus!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's
yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's
yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat
der light that's attractin' em?"

The Lost Chapter of Genesis

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a
companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you
discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

6
 She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you.
She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will
praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care
of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you
need it." ………….MAYBE!

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

Lesson Learned
(a story of luck)

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?
She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to
be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted
with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.

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So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got
married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just
watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it,
and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are
very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for
instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el
lápiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer

the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was
asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the

feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck
on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine (el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could
have gotten a better
model.

The women won. BUGGER!!

Please note the new product on the

market.

“Horny Goat Weed”