_____________________________________________________________________________________ TOPIC 11: SETTING BOUNDARIES Group Facilitator Information _____________________________________________________________________________________ Information for Group Facilitator

There are a variety of ways of thinking about boundaries. Borders between countries are boundaries, as are traffic regulations, or a fence around a playground. In this session we will examine personal boundaries, which arise from individual sensitivities, abilities, tolerances and values. In that examination, we will focus on building self-awareness of senses and sensitivities, preferences regarding body space, and ideas about what individual boundaries look like. These factors help enhance understanding of how personal boundaries provide structure. We explore this way of creating boundaries in the Body Bubble exercise. This exercise also introduces the topic of boundaries which will be explored in greater depth in subsequent sections. The Body Bubble exercise will display differences in individual tolerance and preference for physical closeness, and display how those differences are communicated. By encouraging this self-awareness, the activities of this session also provide a basis for exploring the built-in sensitivities and tolerances children display. In the segment on Safety, we will examine concrete, practical boundaries in the home and community. Women and children who have been victims of violence have had their physical and emotional boundaries violated, and therefore may be confused about setting appropriate boundaries. Mental illness and substance abuse may distort a persons ability to perceive and respond to the boundaries of others. Low self-esteem and poor boundaries may contribute to a person remaining in abusive relationships. A person without a clear sense of boundaries may not be aware when she violates others boundaries or when others are violating hers. Developing healthy boundaries is a core issue for parents who have experienced substance abuse, mental illness and violence. Healthy boundaries are defined as having a sense of oneself and limitations. The focus will be on building individual selfawareness of preferences and sensitivities regarding body space boundaries and ideas about what emotional boundaries look like. These factors help enhance understanding of how personal boundaries provide safety and structure. Skills in setting clear and nurturing limits call for a well-developed ability to differentiate among stimuli and responses. Childrens ability to do this is not as developed as adults; children often need adult help in effectively setting boundaries. Infants and young children, for example, give physical cues to show their need for boundaries, but these cues must be recognized and respected to be effective. Situations, abilities, and stages of development call for different ways of setting limits. Stated and unstated expectations, arising from cultural norms, learned patterns of communication or self-esteem affect how and whether limits are set. Be alert throughout the process to highlight these factors for the group. Key Ideas The most important concepts in this session are: 1. Nurturing boundaries provide protection and promote growth. Setting limits in abusive or neglectful ways prevents or damages the ability to grow. The differences are: Nurturing Boundaries are clear and appropriate to the situation and the abilities of the persons involved. If two peers are involved in setting the boundary, they usually use negotiation. When adults set boundaries with children, the child participates to some degree, and ideally is given some choices. Nurturing limits support personal dignity and selfrespect. Abusive Boundaries are established or defined by assault, or the boundary itself is an invasion of another person's boundary. The boundary or limit is set by exercise of physical force or hurtful words. Neglectful Boundaries are not clear or consistent, or do not provide protection; or they are not maintained well enough to provide protection. For example, bedtime is 8 oclock one night, and ten oclock the next; or there is no set bedtime.

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_____________________________________________________________________________________ TOPIC 11: SETTING BOUNDARIES Group Facilitator Information _____________________________________________________________________________________

2. Boundaries appear at a variety of places in an individuals psyche and body: sensory tolerances, preferences regarding physical closeness or distance, levels of activity. Boundaries serve two main purposes: to prevent movement into or out of the individuals arena; and to designate a point of entry or exit. For example, a request to a friend stating Please call me before 10 pm, because that is my bed time, unless you have an emergency, states a limit: when not to call. It also designates the circumstances under which the limit can be crossed over - an emergency. Healthy boundaries can be flexible when the need arises. A boundary that is too rigid to allow movement prevents growth and exchange with sources of energy outside the boundary. A boundary that is too loose to prevent crossing will not protect the person inside the boundary. Many persons in recovery are unclear about what their tolerances are. This includes awareness of their sensory and physical boundaries. They may be equally confused about their childrens boundaries. So increasing awareness of their physical and sensory boundaries will help in understanding their childrens tolerances. Children, from infancy on, can effectively communicate their own boundaries regarding their need for personal space. Even newborns and infants communicate when they want interaction and attention (open face gaze, smiling) and when they dont (back arching, looking away, sneezing). The parents job is to interpret the child's communication and readiness. Children's boundaries change with age. The infant needs the adult to feed and dress her, but the toddler can feed herself, and can participate in dressing, including choosing (from a limited selection) what to wear. Children do need adults to set safety and behavior limits. As children grow, they develop more and more ability to set and keep their own boundaries regarding safety and behavior.

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_____________________________________________________________________________________ TOPIC 11: SETTING BOUNDARIES Activities _____________________________________________________________________________________

Recommended Time: One 90 Minute Session GOAL 1. To enhance parents understanding of the nature and uses of boundaries.

OBJECTIVES 1. 2. 3. 4. To explore group members sense of their body space; To increase parents ability to set clear and nurturing limits for themselves and their children; To increase parents ability to determine when and how to alter, change or remove a limit; To increase parents ability to communicate limits and to understand their childrens communication of limits. Materials Needed: Paint; brushes; markers; paper; magazines; scissors; tape. Prepare Ahead: Flip chart sheets displaying icebreaker and main concepts, as well as blank sheets to record responses. For the icebreaker, display one sheet to record soothing sensations and one to record irritating sensations. PROCEDURES 1. Welcome and Icebreaker. Welcome group members to todays session. Briefly outline the topic for today. Explain that we experience and display our own boundaries starting in infancy. If those boundaries are respected and supported, we become stronger in establishing and maintaining our boundaries. However, in some cases boundaries are not respected or supported; they may be undermined by past or present trauma experiences. It often happens during active use of alcohol or drugs that our tolerances become numbed, and our ability to judge what is safe and what is dangerous becomes impaired. An important step in re-building our own boundaries, and understanding our childrens, is to become aware again of what our sensitivities and tolerances are. Explain that we will start today by exploring our tolerances and preferences with regard to light, color, sound, smell, touch, taste, space, motion - in other words, our physical senses. Ask the group to take a moment and concentrate on these senses. Suggest that they start by becoming aware of what they are hearing, smelling, feeling on their skin, etc. Then ask that they complete the following statements. As each person completes the statements, briefly note their responses on the flip chart sheets. One physical sensation which I find very soothing is _________. One physical sensation which I find very irritating (or disturbing) is ________. 2. Understanding our Physical Boundaries. Ask the group what they see in the lists: Are there many differences? Do they find some likes or dislikes surprising? Point out how many of the senses are mentioned. If one person selected a sensation as soothing, which another identified as irritating, point out the difference. Allow some exploration of these sensitivities as physical tolerances. Explain that just as we have different sensory tolerances and preferences, we each have our own sense of space - how close or distant we want other people to be physically. Our next exercise will demonstrate some of that. 3. Body Bubble. Allow 5 - 8 minutes for the activity. a. Ask the group to break up into pairs, one A and one B. Have the pairs stand about seven feet away from each other facing each other. Person B is to remain in place, but invites person A to approach. Person B will ask person A to stop when person A gets to a point where Person B feels some discomfort with the degree of space between them.

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_____________________________________________________________________________________ TOPIC 11: SETTING BOUNDARIES Activities _____________________________________________________________________________________

b. c. d. When all group members have stopped, ask the group to look around at the differences among the group members in terms of how close is comfortable. Repeat the process with person A staying still, and person B approaching. Process the activity: Explore each group member's sense of personal space and how that was communicated to their partner. Ask if any members were confused about when the space became uncomfortable or about when their partner was telling them to stop. Ask the group to brainstorm how they communicated their boundary, both in inviting their partner to approach and in asking their partner to stop. Ask partners to help each other, i.e. one partner may have noticed her partner back up or stiffen before he said stop. From these responses ask the group to list the ways in which adults communicate their boundaries: what invites movement and what discourages movement? Emphasize: Verbal Directions: How clear is the communication; is it direct or indirect? Physical Cues: Did any of the partners telegraph intention with a movement, i.e. a hand movement indicating the invitation. Did either partner communicate a wavering or determination, and if so, how? List the cues on flip chart or blackboard and direct attention to the various physical cues infants and children can use in defining their boundaries. Environmental Cues: Were there any obstacles in the room that made it difficult to move? Did either partner place an obstacle in the way? List these cues or obstacles. Direct attention to environmental cues parents use to set clear boundaries for children: i.e., baby proofing, access to TV or video games, etc. Cultural Cues: How do different cultures define acceptable ways of setting boundaries? Is casual touch acceptable or not? How about eye contact? Using all this information, ask the group: What is necessary to set clear limits? How do you know and stick with your boundaries? 4. Exploring Personal Boundaries a. Instruct group members to sit comfortably, again with feet on the floor, back straight, hands on their thighs. Play quiet, calm and relaxing music as back ground to this exercise. Encourage participants to close their eyes, or stare at a point on the floor. Read the following: Pay attention to your breathing. Breathe in to a slow count of 1 - 2 - 3, and then out to a count of 1 - 2 - 3. . breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth; or in and out through nose or mouth - deciding which is most comfortable for you. Continue breathing, feeling your breath as you inhale and as you exhale . . . breathing in relaxation . . . exhaling any tension you feel anywhere in your body.

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As you inhale expand your belly, lower rib cage and chest. As you exhale contract your chest, lower rib cage and abdomen. It may help to feel this happening by placing your right hand just below your belly button, so you can feel your belly expand and contract. Continue breathing . . . become aware of your feet . . . tighten your toes. . tighten, tighten . . . then relax and let go . . . and again, tighten your toes, tighten. . tighten . . and relax and let go. Become aware of the muscles in your lower leg . . . tighten these calf muscles. . tighten, tighten and relax and let go . . . and again, tighten your calves, tighten, and let go. Feel the tension flow out of your feel and lower legs . . . now your thighs . . . tighten your thighs, tighten and let go. Feel any tension in these muscles flow away as you tighten again, tighten, and relax and let go. Continue your breathing and now tighten your buttocks, tighten, squeeze . . . then relax and let go . . . and again, tighten, tighten . . . and relax and let go. And while you are breathing, as you inhale, tighten your belly, tighten . . . and relax and let go as you exhale. Then as you inhale, again tighten your belly, then relax and exhale ad let go. Now focus on your shoulders, as you continue breathing. Gently squeeze your shoulders up to touch your ears, tighten, and then relax and let go . . . and again, squeeze . . . tighten, . . . and relax and let go. The tension flows out of your shoulders. Now tighten your arms, squeeze the muscles . . . tighten. . . and relax and let go . . . and again, tighten . . . and relax and let go. . . . And now your hands, clench your fists, . . . tighten, and relax and let go . . . and again . . . tighten your fist . . . and relax and let go. Continue breathing, and let your head fall forward gently. . . roll your head gently to the right, gently back to center and then to the left. Repeat this roll to the right . . . Now roll in the opposite direction . . . gently to the left, then back, and then to the right. . . then bring your head to center again, and become aware of your face . . and all the muscles in your face. Now tense the muscles of your face: your forehead: tense and relax . . . your cheeks . . . tense. . . and relax . . . your lips . . . tense and relax. . . .feel the tension leaving your face, leaving your forehead, your eyes, cheeks and mouth. (Pause). Continue your regular deep breathing. Feel your body calmer and more relaxed. Focus now on your breathing, feeling your belly expand and fill with breath, and contract as you exhale. Feel the breath moving in as you inhale, and feel the breath moving out as you exhale. . . . Feel yourself sitting in your chair. Now, think about a place that is your special place. . . . It may be some place you have been to, or perhaps some place you dream about. Form a picture of this place in your mind. Perhaps it is a place in the city, or a place indoors. Perhaps it is a place by the sea or in the mountains. . . . . Fill in the details of this picture. . . are there trees around? If you are indoors, what is on the walls? . . . What sort of furniture is there?. . . Feel the temperature, and if there is sun, feel the rays of the sun on your skin. . . Notice the sounds you hear. Can you hear a breeze in the leaves? Do you hear the waves?. . . Perhaps you hear, and feel, a warming fire in a fireplace. . .What do you feel on your skin - warmth of sun or warmth of indoor heat? Do you feel a breeze? Are you in water? Pay attention to your senses - what you hear, see, touch, OR taste. This place is your sanctuary. This is your special, safe place. . . whenever you need to, you can come here for quiet and peace. No one else can come here unless you invite them and let them in. . . Relax and rest in your sanctuary. Now picture what it is in your sanctuary that makes it safe. . . are you surrounded by water . . . or a wall . . . or a building . . . or is the space wide open? . . What do you have in your sanctuary that keeps others out, and how do you let in those you invite? . . . picture this boundary and picture what it is made of . . stone or wood or plants, high or low, thick or thin. . . If it is something you can touch? What does it feel like when you touch it? . . ___________________________________________ 82 ___________________________________________
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What color is it? Allow a few moments of silence, then proceed. Now, it is time to start coming back from your sanctuary. Look around you, and take in the details of your safe place. If you are lying or sitting down in your sanctuary, begin to get up and move away. Slowly, take three deep breaths, exhaling through your mouth. (Wait until all group members have finished three breaths.) . . . When you feel ready, at your own pace, slowly open your eyes. When everyone has opened her eyes, ask how group members feel. Encourage them to share their experiences - physical as well as personal insights. 5. Drawing Boundaries a. b. c. d. Distribute paper, paints, markers, cuttings from magazines, paste, etc. for the group to use. Instruct the group to recall the boundaries they established in their sanctuary. Ask them, when each is ready, to take the materials needed and create a picture of their boundaries. When the group is finished making their pictures, tell them to describe their boundary picture, each in turn. Encourage some discussion about the nature of boundaries: their relative ability to be open/closed, etc. Explain that since we have some experience in understanding boundaries, we will examine how boundaries can be nurturing, abusive, or neglectful. Point out that the group has just had some practical experience in setting boundaries and limits. Ask the group for examples or images of boundaries and limits (i.e. fences, baselines, rules of a game, or court lines in sports; umpires, referees as limits setters who govern a boundary). Describe the concepts of nurturing, neglectful and abusive boundaries. Put the words NURTURING, NEGLECTFUL and ABUSIVE on the flipchart. Ask the group to think of examples of nurturing, neglectful or abusive boundaries. Allow discussion to clarify the concepts. f. Divide the group into two subgroups, each group identifying a recorder, who will record the groups ideas on flip chart paper. Instruct the groups to review two situations, and define what would be nurturing, abusive or neglectful boundaries in each case. Give each group one adult and one child situation from the following samples: Adult Someone you met at a 12-step meeting has been calling you every night just as you are getting ready for bed, and talking for an hour or more. As a result you dont get to sleep until late and you are very tired in the morning. What would be a nurturing, abusive or neglectful boundary in this case? Or, You want your partner to help more with caring for your children and with housework. When you bring it up, the response is (list a nurturing, abusive and neglectful response). Child Your family is moving, but your ten year old son doesnt like the idea and is moping around and not packing or helping. Describe a nurturing, abusive or neglectful response. Or, A ten month old, now crawling and pulling up to stand, puts everything in her mouth. Describe a nurturing, abusive and neglectful response. ___________________________________________ 83 ___________________________________________
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h. 6. Allow the group 5-8 minutes to review both stories. Then call them back for reports and discussion.

Wrap-Up. Explain that it is now time to end the group. Ask if anyone has anything they need to say. Allow a brief discussion. If the group has decided on a way to close, proceed with that. If not, ask the group to respond to the following: Think about your boundaries. Is there anyone outside your boundary whom you would like to invite in? If so, can you tell us who it is?

NOTES & SUGGESTIONS This session may arouse concerns in a variety of areas: 1. Setting boundaries and limits within adult relationships. This may be particularly sensitive in situations where a group member has experienced past trauma, and/or is at risk of violence from a partner. It will be important to have available information concerning resources through which the group member may seek and obtain protection, i.e. shelters, process for obtaining restraining orders, counseling agencies specializing in these issues. Setting Boundaries in Self-Help Groups: Group members may express confusion over when to set a limit in helping or being available to help in a 12-Step or self-help group. This can be related to the previous session on managing self, as well as to this sessions information regarding setting limits. In addition, group members may express discomfort over the tendency in some self-help groups to expect hugging as a form of greeting, parting or expression of good will. This may not be acceptable to everyone, and group members should be encouraged to feel free to limit this (a brief practice of how to extend a hand for a hand shake to deflect the oncoming hug may help). Setting Boundaries when pressured to use alcohol or drugs: This pressure can arise while in the company of people with whom the group member had used alcohol or drugs. The pressure is particularly intense when it comes from a partner or household member. If this situation arises, group time and attention should be devoted to helping the group member work out ways of setting and maintaining boundaries. While the admonition to stay away from former drinking or drug using companions may in some cases be sufficient, for many people early recovery is a period of transition from one set of relationships to another, and the need for companionship should be acknowledged, while providing constructive suggestions for seeking out new relationships. If the situation is one in which a partner is pressuring the parent to use, the danger of this situation should be emphasized, and the group member should be helped to work out a safety plan, that is identify where they could go, who they could call, if this pressure becomes intense. Children in substance abusing families often witness adults engaging in out of control behavior which may include violence. Children used to seeing this behavior in adults may strongly resist adults' attempts to set limits on them. Caution group members that often the process of setting limits in families where few limits had been set takes time and considerable resolve on the parents' part, as well as practice of the communication and problem solving skills learned in segments 4 and 5 (Making Connections 1: Communication and Making Connections 2: Problem Solving).

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For an additional activity on Setting Boundaries, see Appendix D on page 141.

Resources
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J.T. (2003). Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have that Difficult Conversation Youve Been Avoiding. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan. Katherine, A. (1991). Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. New York: MJF Books. MacKenzie, R.J. (1998). Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children By Providing Clear Boundaries. (2nd Edition). Roseville, CA: Prima Publishing. ___________________________________________ 84 ___________________________________________
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