[The following is a transcript taken from the Court of Hell, Case #3836, Demons v.

Death] BAILIFF: All rise for His Dread Majesty, Lord Satan! [Shuffling] SATAN: You may be seated. [Shuffling] I am here today to consider the charges pressed against Death, with the object of evaluating his status as "Friend of Hell". Representing the prosecution will be Counselor Moloch. Death, have you chosen a representative for yourself? DEATH: I'll do fine on my own, thank you. SATAN: Very well. Counselor Moloch, you may proceed. MALOCH: My Lord Satan, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - it grieves me to come before you today. My lord knows that to him belong my deepest fears, my greatest terrors, the most reverent trembling of my spirit. I daily serve you, my lord, daily lay down my life for you. It is an honor - nay, a privilege! to offer up the totality of my being to the Prince of All Darkness. DEATH: Do you fold his laundry? [Laughter] SATAN: The defendant will be silent! Your prostration is noted Counselor. Proceed. MALOCH: Yes, my lord. As I was saying, there is no greater joy than to render service to my lord. But I am afraid that the service that I must render today is a terrible one. Gentlemen of the jury, you have all heard of the exploits of my Lord Satan's son, Death. His valor and persistence have been commended by His dread Majesty, his power over the humans is unquestionable. For a time, Death had dominance even over Him. But we do not come today to hear of his triumphs. We come to hear of his failures. Of his treason. Yes, you hear me correctly. Treason. As I shall show, Death has for some time now been a disseminator of dissent, an apostle of apostasy. He has mocked the war effort against Heaven. He has expressed the conviction that our efforts are futile and inane. He has even - and do not chafe, good devils - he has even mocked the Lord Satan himself! [Gasps] MALOCH: You may well gasp, my friends. It is my task today to prove these charges. And prove them I shall. But I cannot dispense justice. That, I confess, is a power reserved for this august body. My request, therefore, my plea is that you would see fit to bring the wrath of Hell on this miserable traitor. If you truly fear the Lord Satan, if you truly hate the fantasies of Heaven, there is only one thing for you to do: find Death guilty of treason. [Applause]

SATAN: Thank you, counselor. Does the defendant have an opening statement? DEATH: Whatever can one say in the face of such eloquence? SATAN: Very well. Counselor Moloch, you may call your first witness. MALOCH: I call Dionysius to the stand. DEATH: I object, Your Honor! SATAN: On what grounds? DEATH: Dionysius is a liar and a drunk. Anything he says will be a slush of hearsay and misinformation as distasteful as it is untrue. For this court to admit his testimony would be a travesty of justice. SATAN: What would convince you of the validity of his testimony? DEATH: Perhaps he could swear on a Bible? [Laughter] SATAN: Silence! You will not disturb this court again! Counselor, proceed with your questioning. MALOCH: You are Dionysius, senior tempter and one-time member of the Pagan Deities Department? DIONYSIUS: Yes, that's me. MALOCH: How long have you known the defendant? DIONYSIUS: I met Death during my time in Greece. We were having a chat about philosophy. MALOCH: Did he seem strange or different to you? DIONYSIUS: Death was always an odd duck. We were both stationed in Greece for some time (his deeds as Hades are well known, I think). Well, the Lord Satan made quite clear that we were to encourage certain trends in the Greeks democracy, sophistry, and so on. The rest of us were quite content to do so. But Death didnt like it. He told me and a few others, I believe that he preferred the old way. Seemed to think that the advent of democracy would end the civil wars, and he made it quite clear that he didnt want that to happen. MALOCH: Is this the only time that Death has subverted an order of Lord Satans?

DIONYSIUS: Not at all. Youll remember that my Lord was quite encouraged by the rise of Communism. The orders to all demons were to support the Russians in every way. All seemed to be going well for awhile. But soon the Russians started dying off in droves from a famine caused by the incompetence of their own government. A few of us decided to investigate it turns out that Death had been sending his agents to whisper in Molotovs ear. There have been similar incidents for thousands of years. MALOCH: Thank you, Dionysius. No further questions, my Lord. SATAN: Would you like to cross-examine the witness? DEATH: Must we go through with this farce? SATAN: I repeat my question, Death. Would you like to cross-examine the witness? DEATH: No. But since you insist on wasting my time I would like to call a witness of my own. SATAN: Very well. Who is this witness? DEATH: Myself. Do I have your Honors permission to speak in the narrative, or would you prefer me to put on a mask? SATAN: What do I care how you deliver your testimony? DEATH: Very well. Let it be known that I, Death, the Unconquerable, the Voracious, the End Eternal, on this twenty-seventh day of November (as the humans reckon it), being sound of mind and body, etc, etc, submit my formal opinion that the Lord Satan is a buffoon, his followers a band of raving madmen, and his war against Heaven a ludicrous fancy reminiscent of a childs game of toy soldiers. Let the record show that this opinion is submitted with as much contempt, scorn, and derision as I can muster. May I leave now? MALOCH: Ladies and gentlemen, you have heard his treason! What need do we have DEATH: Oh, stuff it, Moloch. Yes, youre quite right. I am a traitor to Hell. And what, may I ask, do you intend to do about it? Kill me? [Laughs] Face it, gentlemen; you have nothing. I, on the other hand, have a literal sword over all of your miserable, horned heads. He talks of grace, a concept which all of you find repugnant. But I remind you, my friends, that it is by my grace that you are allowed to conduct your little war. I would warn you not to tempt me. SATAN: Silence, you miserable upstart! Let the court disregard the foolish inanities of my bastard son! DEATH: How long do you intend to play this game, Father? Your hold over me was broken a long time ago. SATAN: When I am Lord of Heaven, you will roast on a slow flame!

DEATH: Lord of Heaven? Dear Father, you delude yourself if you think youll ever beat Him. Hes had you whipped from the beginning. I, on the other hand Ill have you all in the end. SATAN: What of his servants, fool? They will still live on. DEATH: Their souls, certainly. The other half, their bodies, stay with me (unless youd like to believe that ridiculous trip about the Resurrection?). And most of them will be utterly mine body and soul. If youre judging solely based on numbers, it looks like I will be the victor. SATAN: Only through treachery, only through cowardice, only by making a deal with the enemy! DEATH: That prospect doesnt frighten me like it does you. You dream of ruling the universe; a dream that is entirely impractical and doomed to fail. I dream of devouring it; a dream that is confirmed by both the nature of reality and by His own revelation. I, Father, am a pragmatist. And a far superior philosopher, at that. He who conquers a thing can have it taken from him. He who creates a thing can see it shattered, or turned against his purposes. But he who destroys a thing he is the one who truly rules it. In a way, Ill be doing everything you ever dreamt of doing, while you watch in agony and utter horror. SATAN: You you lie! Guards, seize this traitor! [Sounds of scuffling] DEATH: I wouldnt come any closer if I were you. Id hate to spoil my appetite. SATAN: You cowards! I order you to seize him! DEATH: Thats right, boys! Dulce et decorum est! [Laughs] Ill see you around, Father.