Jokes Psychobabble

Psychobabble Jokes

Get Ready to Groan and

Prepare to be Amazed …

Version: 1/00

Version date: Feb 2002

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

Version: 1/00 Page No: 1

Jokes Psychobabble

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Jokes Psychobabble

HOW SMART ARE YOU REALLY?

Take this quiz, if you dare, and see!! Scoring is as follows: Correct

Answers Rating:
Genius 12
Above Average 10-11
Average 7-9
Slow 4-6
Idiot 1-3
Brain Dead 0

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. How many outs are in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

8. A doctor give you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would
the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

DON'T READ ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU'VE ANSWERED ALL THE ABOVE QUESTIONS!

NO CHEATING NOW!!

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Jokes Psychobabble

ANSWERS:

1. Is there a fourth of July in England?

Yes, it comes after the third of July!

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

Just one!

3. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?

12 - all of them

4. How many outs are there in an inning? 6 - three per side

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

No because he is dead!

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

70 (30 by 2 equals 15, but 30 divided by 1/2 equals 60)

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
2, you took them, remember?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour.
How many minutes would the pills last?
60. Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 9.

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
0, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!

11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
Meat, a butcher weighs meat!!!

12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

12 There are 12.

SO BE HONIST, HOW MANY DID YOU GET?

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Jokes Psychobabble

MAGIC - TRY THIS OUT.

DON'T scroll down too fast - do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly, do the math
in your head as fast as you can.

It may help to say the answers aloud quietly.

FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!

What is:

2+2?

4+4?

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Jokes Psychobabble

8+8?

16+16?

Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.

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Jokes Psychobabble

Got it?

Now scroll down...

The number you picked was 7, right?

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Jokes Psychobabble

Isn't that weird???

Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.
There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a
time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done
each of them...really. Now, ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss something).........

What is:

1+5

2+4

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Jokes Psychobabble

3+3

4+2

5+1

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Jokes Psychobabble

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds.
Then scroll down.

QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.

Keep going.

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Jokes Psychobabble

You're thinking of a carrot right?

If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are weird enough to think of
something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.

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Jokes Psychobabble

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW, YOU CAN LEARN FROM NOAH'S ARK …

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember amateurs built the ark, and professionals built the Titanic.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

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Jokes Psychobabble

THE CALL CENTRE

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the mental health institute...

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace
your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on
the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social
security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after
the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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Jokes Psychobabble

Your Favourite Colour – The Key to Your Sexual Life?

The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual
personality. The key is the colours you select for your possessions. Most people claim they
haven't a favourite colour. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your
clothing and home decor. The predominant colour for you is the one that appears most
frequently
- It's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home
Interior Design Forum, explained the association between colour and sexual patterns.

RED:
People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every
way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take HOURS to extinguish. When two
reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to
be aggressors and weaker colours should be aware.

YELLOW:
If you tend to favour yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The
favourite colour of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic - not everyone who wears yellow is
queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive
manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from
somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK:
Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to
promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity - but
because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in
pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three
dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead.
Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE:
Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the
sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their
approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfilment
than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK:
Black colour preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These
people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer
perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often
perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that
sex offenders prefer the colour black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters
and teenage gangs is black attire.

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Jokes Psychobabble

GREEN:
Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green
will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and
awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not
passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE:
Lovers of the colour orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic
one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They
whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do
not experience orgasm - but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair,
and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN:
If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and
deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where
you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching
snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy
to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GREY:
The colour grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything
- including colour - so they choose a non-committal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a
way of relieving tension – but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to
accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster
until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another colour, the grey spouse
considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is
made in heaven.

BLUE:
Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their
partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who
love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby
grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their
passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression.
Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act
itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate – never seeking outside interests.

WHITE:
If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in
nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who
love white will undress beneath the cover. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These
people still use pet names for their genitals.

End

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