Dear Universal Being: Congratulations on your new position as a Roving Researcher for the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,

the bestselling book to ever come out of Ursa Minor Publishing Company! This is an adventurous position with occasional perils, but we trust you will enjoy exploring the Galaxy of the Outside World as you attempt to better inform all who hitchhike through these star systems. This book is an updateable version of the Hitchhikers Guide. It is here, along with the Guides serenely annoying guidevoice, to assist you in any way possible. This book contains a small bit of useful information, a large bit of useless information, and many blank sections for you to add new information as you discover it. Also included with this book is a package containing several helpful items, catalogued below. Remember: when encountered with unsettling, disastrous, beige, or possibly life-threatening situations do not lose control, as rash choices are usually the result. Instead, simply turn this book over and read the large, friendly letters printed on back. If nothing else, they will make you feel better about your unfortunate predicament. Know that we here at Ursa Minor Publishing Company wish to be supportive in every manner and will keep operators on standby, should you need to contact us for any reason. They are unavailable only on the Earth days ending in y. We wish you good luck and safe journeys. Welcome to the universe of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy! Sincerely, Zenkelaz Knave-DeBlatt Editor-In-Chief Ursa Minor Publishing Company Inventory of Emergency Items : Item A: Recording of all your friends here at Ursa Minor Publishing Company, wishing you fond farewells and good luck on your journeys This should assist in keeping your sanity if you should find yourself trapped in a meeting of severely bureaucratic and overly serious Vogons. The last researcher to their planet was lured into a meeting concerning the universal crab marketwhich happens to be doing quite well as more and more planets are outsourcing all governmental paperwork to the Vogonslasting nearly 49 days. Quite unfortunately, the researcher died of boredom after the 863rd hour. Item B: Book of Maps showing your immediate galaxy (or atlas, as it would be called on the planet Earth) For when you find yourself sitting in your starship and face the uncontrollable urge to take a galactic road trip. Exceptionally useful for destination ideas and directional guidance. We wouldnt want you getting lost in the Labyrinthine mists of the Mazez star cluster. Item C: Earth Food Because one never knows when the food may be A: thoroughly revolting, or B: fatal. A Youfin researcher visiting the planet Ziddle IV did not realize that all Ziddilian food contained a substance highly poisonous to his species. The researcher survived by swallowing, in various increments, a bar of soap which caused the food to slide through him too fast for the toxins to do any damage. Well, not much damage, anyhow. Check out section plural Z alpha HSubstances Harmful to Earthlings and Humanoids. Item D: Your towel The last, yet most important item! (Read entry under TOWELS) Always nice to have handy in case the world should explode and you need to hitch a ride. Have fun!

TOWELS These basic and highly useful, yet slightly non-essential items play a critical role in your life as a hitchhiker. Because they are so basic, yet also non-essential, it is widely believed that anyone who knows where their towel is isnt really doing that bad. In fact, if you always know where your towel is, you are regarded as a very cool and really together person. That being said, do you know where your towel is? LEADERSHIP TRAINING Being an extremely complex skill, it is recommended by experts everywhere that you do not choose just any method of training it to yourself or your underlings. There are schools full of experts on Innflooenss II, in the Delta system that are more than willing to teach you in exchange for every dollar you have earned or will earn in the course of your lifetime. Or, if you want to go the slightly cheaper route, we suggest the following audio-visual courses: Lord of the Rings, I, II, and III; Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World; Facing the Giants; Gettysburg; Remember the Titans, and any book by John Maxwell. EARTH Planet in the Alpha sector. Mostly harmless. CURRENCY SHORTAGES WHILE TRAVELLING Many a researcher has either chosen to travel without currency or run out in the course of their travels and found themselves unable to get home again. To prevent this from happening, it is advised that you contact close relations or friends or mortal enemieswhomever you trust moreand give them the information to all your galactic accounts so they can transfer currency should the need arise. WALKING?/JOGGING? 1) A horrific torture so profoundly excruciating that Cazorkian Beta has outlawed it altogether within a 5-planet radius, choosing instead to get around by solar-powered SoloChairs. They have yet to resolve the issue of transportation on cloudy days. 2) Also, considered a brilliant form of exercise on planet Earth. The planet is being considered for classification as a galactic sanitarium due to world-wide lunacy. DARK CHOCOLATE KAHLUA COCOA COFFEE CHEESECAKE The closest thing to heaven before reaching death. MORNINGS Time of day which encourages feelings of bitterness in late sleepers towards early risers, particularly the cheerful ones. Take, for example, the Ungulogs of Pratot Niba planet which has divided itself into halves, with early risers on one side and late sleepers on the other. This happened following a war because of the invention of the supersonic alarm, which was immediately installed in the alarm clocks of those slightly insane beings who feared they would always be late if they did not rise at a ridiculously early hour. The war was resolved after the import of a black liquid called coffee, which was, agreed both halves of the world, the most redeeming feature of mornings in general. NIGHVING 1) A state of being wherein one is slightly loopy and spews ridiculous speech though trying ones best to make sense. Some of the best and worst ideas in the universe have come to life while beings were in this state. It is not recommended for amateurs. 2) Also, the time period between 10 p.m. and 2:30 a.m. HOSTELS Cheap places of rest. Stay away from those posting party scene, over/near a bar/pub/tavern, comments about how hot the staff are, or 24 hour acupuncture services. SHEEP Profoundly stupid beasts good for only 3 purposes: First, eating. Second, using their wool. Third, making more sheep to fulfill purposes 1 and 2. Easily herded, whether you are trying or not. FAITH That curious, intangible trust in God which defies all logic, odds, and normality, yet brought Abraham to Canaan, Joseph to second-in-command of an empire, Moses through the Red Sea, David to the throne, Nehemiah to Jerusalem, and Lazarus back to life. General opinion amongst those who use it regularly is: Hardest thing in the world to acquire and live out, but smashingly awesome!