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COUNCIL OF REFERENCE
Boundaries
Dr. Richard Averbeck
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Rassmussen
environment in which their love for
Mr. Jim Warren one another can flourish. The Ten Laws of Boundaries . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Dr. Rick Warren
The task of setting boundaries Setting Boundaries on Yourself . . . . . . . . 4
cannot wait until later in marriage.
Couples who fail to establish boun- It Takes Two to Make One . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
Publisher
David A. Martin daries early in their marriages often God's Values for Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Editors discover destructive results later. But
Michael & Cheryl
Chiapperino spouses who work together to establish Resolving Conflict in Marriage . . . . . . . . . 6
boundaries will develop the deep
2
WHAT’S A BOUNDARY, ANYWAY?
A boundary is a property line that indicates
ownership and responsibility in a relationship.
When you recognize erty. They provide safety for those “People in denial are deaf to
that a certain feeling, behavior, living within the boundaries, and words of truth. They only respond
or attitude is yours~and not your they give the boundary-setters to pain and loss. Consequences
spouse's~you can take responsibi- control over what happens within show where our boundary line is.”
lity for it. This is the first step to- them. Good boundaries keep evil
out and allow the good to come 4. Emotional Distance:
ward changing any problem. In a hurtful relationship, one part-
in and stay in~while providing
tools for the individuals in the ner may need to distance herself
relationship to be self-controlled, emotionally from her hurtful
Recognizing not other-controlled. Ultimately, spouse for the purpose of protec-
self-control serves and nourishes tion until the errant spouse
that a the love that is being protected by demon-strates maturity and self-
certain issue is the boundaries. control.
your spouse’s 5. Physical Distance:
responsibility Examples In additional to physical safety
frees you of Boundaries from abuse, physical distance can
provide time to think, to heal,
from being 1. Words:
Words help to identify to others and to learn.
victimized who you are and what you expect. 6. Other People:
by it. The presence of other people can
2. Truth: create a safe environment in which
Love requires truth. When one to confront potentially emotional
The Triangles partner is not truthful with the
other, intimacy is destroyed.
problems.
of Boundaries 7. Time:
The marriage relationship is 3. Consequences: Time is a tool that can be used
intended by God to be one of joy- Consequences identify boundary wisely and deliberately for solving
ful intimacy. It is only when free- lines and reveal when they have problems and resolving conflicts.
dom, responsibility, and love are been crossed.
present in the marriage that God's CB
purpose for it can be achieved. As S
we grow in love for God and for
one another, we are freed from the
slavery of sin, past hurts, and inse-
curities. As a result, we are able to Boundaries in marriage
take more responsibility for our allow each spouse to
growth. And as we become more
responsible, we also become more take responsibility for:
loving, and the cycle continues.
It Takes Two to Make One herself, and will expect the same
Marriage is intended “A marriage made in from those that he or she loves. This
by God as a union of two complete Heaven is one where a man requires honesty and a willingness
persons. It is only when two mature to confront areas of immaturity.
and whole individuals come togeth- and a woman become more
er in marriage that their union will richly themselves together Valuing the
be complete. Marriage is not de- than the chances are either
signed to be a shortcut to maturity,
of them could ever have
Treasure of Your
a way of completing yourself. Ra-
ther, God designed marriage as a managed to become alone.” Spouse’s Soul
As a mature person, you should
way for two distinct people to come ~Frederick Buechner value your spouse's feelings, attitudes,
together and create something big- perspectives, and talents, seeking in
ger and better than either one could everything you do to nurture, devel-
achieve individually. Spouses should A mature, complete adult will op, and take care of those precious
complement one another, not com- take responsibility for himself or aspects of the one you love.
plete one another. continued on page 5
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IT TAKES TWO continued from page 4
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with a Boundary- 5. Love your spouse. Communi-
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