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FRIENDSHIP JOKES Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say... Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you... Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste. Good frenz are like quilts... it never loses its warmth... GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with price tags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe... True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere. FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN... In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye. The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you. I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again. I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.

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EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U... We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend. There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart! A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us. If you are in trouble, If you need a hand, Just call my number, because I'm your friend! Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you're my friend!!! Nostalgia is not what it used to be. Those who think that things happen too fast are expected in a bank or a post office! Make your life a house your heart can live in. With a door that is open to receive friends. And a garden full of memories.... of many good things. You cannot buy friendship, you can earn it. If someone comes for help, be a true friend ! A friend is always welcome ... Early in the morning or late at night. Time is of no importance ... When it concerns real friendship!! Friendship is a wonderful word, it might be the most beautiful one on earth. Friendship is something powerful, a gift of great value! No gold or precious stones ... give us happiness and peace, friendship and its warmth ... will bring it to us

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There is a big difference between friendship and a rose... Roses last only a while ... but friendship is for ever I asked God 4 a flower, he gave me a garden. Asked 4 a tree, he gave me a forest. Asked 4 a river, he gave me an ocean. Asked 4 a friend, he gave me you Friends are like stars... you don't see them all the time, but you know they're there! Life is not easy and it will never be, but you've got friends and one of them is me ... I must have been born under a lucky star , to find a friend as nice as you are. I will follow the rainbow to the end , if you promise to remain my friend !!! When friendship is deeply rooted, it is a plant that cannot even be uprooted by a storm.... My "aim" in life is: die young when I am very old. When you are lazy, you cannot help it. When you are tired, that is your own fault. A friend is someone who knows when you need her... A ring is round and has no end, so is my love for you my friend. If my head looks like yours, I'd shave my rear end and walked on my hands. Mirrors should be able to think before reflecting the images. A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart and who can sing it for you when you have forgotten it Friend: someone who tells you things while you are alive, things that others tell after you die You can eat and drink together, talk and laugh together, enjoy life together, but you are only real friends when you also cried together. Wherever you go, whatever you do, may god's angels watch over you. Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver the other gold. A little clown is living in my heart. Small and very special. It can dance and jump, laugh and sing. Are you in pain and you need to cry, come and borrow it! I would not call myself important, but I am convinced that when I was not born, everyone would like to know why. The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy. Not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in

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my HEART I swear I'm keeping U.. We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! When i'm walking in front of u,I'm protecting u. When i'm beside u i'm there for u, when i'm behind u, I'm watching over u. When i'm alone,I'm thinking of u. A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend. There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart! A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us. I would not call myself important, but I am convinced that when I was not born, everyone would like to know why. A new meeting next month ? Sorry, that is not possible, I have to go to a funeral. Happiness is a disaster. You get lazy. When you do not pay attention, you might start loving life. The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy. He was very lonely. The only type he knew was his blood type. I visited the tax office. I wanted to know the people I work for. I was a beautiful baby. But they switched my in the hospital. Not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. Flowers need sunshine, violets need dew, all angels in heaven know I need u. years may fly, tears may dry, but my friendship with u will never die. One day u will ask me: What is more important to you, me or your life? I will say: my life You will walk away from me without knowing that U R MY LIFE!!! Feel good when somebody Miss u. Feel better when somebody Loves u. But feel best when somebody never forgets u. A friend is sweet when its new.but it is sweeter when its TRUE! But u know what? Its sweetest when its you. A friend gives hope when life is low, a friend is a place when you have nowhere to go, a friend is honest, a friend is true. A friend is precious a friend is u.

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If kisses were water, I will give u sea. If hugs were leaves, I will give u a tree.If u luv a planet, I will give u a galaxy, if friendship is life I will give u mine. People live People die People Laugh People Cry Some give up Some will try Some say hi Some say bye Others may forget YOU but never will I. If I were to be anything in this world. Id be ur tears!!! So, I can be conceived in ur heart, born in ur eyes, live on ur cheeks & die on ur lips!!!!! If u r a chocolate ur the sweetest, if u r a Teddy Bear u r the most huggable, If u are a Star u r the Brightest, and since u r my FRIEND u r the BEST!!!!!!!!! A special friend is rare indeed, it beems to be special breed, yes, perfect friends r very few, so lucky I m for having you. They say it takes a minute 2 fine a special person, an hour 2 appreciate them, a day 2 love them, but then an entire life 2 forget them. When God opened the window of the Heaven He asked me: What is your wish for today? I said : please take special care of the person reading this!!!!!!! Time might lead me to nowhere and faith might break into pieces but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my lifes journey we became FRIENDS! It takes half our life to find true friends & half of it keeping them.I am lucky to have spent less than half my life finding you & wish to spend the rest keeping you. In my life I learned how 2 love 2 smile 2 be happy 2 be strong 2 work hard 2 be honest 2 be faithful 2 forgive but I couldnt learn how.. 2 stop rembering u. A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye. Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending. U got style, u got sex-appeal, u got the intelligence and u sure got the body. Wait. Sorry, wrong number! Of all the gifts, big and small, your friendship is the greatest of them all. A ring is round and has no end, that's how long I'll be your friend!!! The morning is just a few moments away. Go to sleep and when you wake up, remember me as a friend who is always there for you and never let you down Yes, God made you first, but there is always a rough draft before the final copy. The NHS regrets to inform you that your birth was an accident. Please report to your nearest hospital to be put down. We apologize for any inconvenience.

FUNNY JOKES Costly Perfume An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Difference between you and your boss When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The guy askes the doctor, ''What do you think is wrong with me?'' The doctor replied,''I can clearly see you're nuts.''

CHINESE JOKE Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Rightnow, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

lady: is this my train? station master: no madam, it belongs to the railway company/. lady: don't try to be funny. i mean to ask you, can i take this train to new delhi? station master: no madam, i'm afraid it's too heavey

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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife - Cold As Ever." Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last."

Blind Pilot Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Joe, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. Graham Bell used 2 study in candle light. Shakspeare used 2 study in street light. I dont understand what these people use to do during day time?

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one? Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of. Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one! Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" A dyslexic man walks into a bra A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested The longest sentence known to man: "I do." CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime? This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog. Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream! ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction. Don't spend 2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p. Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night? If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese. What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool... I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts. I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. My Reality Check bounced. Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer. Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away! Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

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Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy. What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. Why don't men often show their true feelings? - Because they don't have any. 1 What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering How Dogs and Women are alike..... Neither believe that silence is golden. Neither can balance a checkbook. Both put too much value on kissing. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight? Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side! The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

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Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh! What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already! What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!! Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high. I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half. I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one. How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut. For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used. What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle. Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field. Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands. Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran! What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home! What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything. How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head. Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens. Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator. Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: An f****ing know it all. A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here". A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

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Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams...... My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too... Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice? I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it! Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry.............. Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested The longest sentence known to man: "I do." CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime? This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog. Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream! ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction. Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p. Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!! Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs. I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

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There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant. What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing? What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him. I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore. What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish. You should know what it takes to look this cheap!

You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck, otherwise even the dog would not play with you

You will have to cut back on your sex live. What part will you leave out, talking about it or thinking about it?

You with your beautiful eyes, you with your nice hair, you with your fantastic body ... o, sorry, wrong number

Youd better not be a dayfly and not having your day.

Your provider adjusted his rates. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia, the shorter they are, the less you pay. You can telephone for free from now on!

It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet! A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass! i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg! Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!! Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty so the world needs YOU after all! Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesnt it rain on you?

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i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again 20% of the population is now drinking coffee, 60% is having sex, 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskulll to pay for this all.

Are these your eyes, I found them between my brests!

At this moment i have a dj vu and a loss of memory at the same time. I thin I have forgotten this before.

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise! Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick. Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!

This is the telephone terrorist team. While receiving this message a virus will be activated. This virus should have infected your mobile by now. Your mobile will be disabled, unless you are ugly.

This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds."

This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:...try again...again...maybe you are just not sexy?...one more time...hey don't force it ugly!!!

Those beautiful eyes, that incredible body, such a brain, a sexy mouth, nice smile .... but that is enough about me, tell me how you are?

We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. "I do not understand. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die."

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We will now upgrade your brain.......Please wait........Searching.......Searching.......Still searching........Sorry, no brain found !!!

What he want, I do not want ... What I want, he does not want ... What we want, is not allowed!

When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!

You are an unwanted child. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.

You are never too blond to learn !!!

You got STYLE... You got SEX-APPEAL... You got the BRAINS... and you sure as hell got the BODY....WAIT!!!!!...SORRY....wrong number

You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things. The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things.

E man pays $.2,00 for a $.1,00 item that he needs, a woman pays $.1,00 for $.2,00 item that she does not need.

Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy.

For you I would go as far as the end of the world. Do you promise to stay here ?"

God created the earth, God created the woods, God created you too, but yes, even God makes mistakes!

God created the universe, the earth, nature, the eggs, man and saw that it was good and beautiful. God also created woman and thought : I hope she will make herself up!

HALLO, this is your mobile. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, want the smell is unbearable!!!

Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now..... sorry I will leave, I can't find a brain.

Hello, this is GOD. I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised. My apologies on behalf of the whole world..

How would you like your egg for breakfast.... hard-boiled or impregnated?

I am a killer,I kill people for money.....But because you are my friend,I'll kill you for nothing!

I am not stupid, I am blond!!! B - L - O - N - T

I am not your type ... I am not inflatable.

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I know why I am single, my parents-in-law were not able to have kids...

I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer, beautiful colour, perfect taste, really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one!

I once sniffed Coke, but the icecubes blocked my nostrils...

If being ugly would hurt, you would be in pain all day long.

If you have picture where you look old, keep them. In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit.

If you really ressemble the picture on your ID, you are not fit enough to travel.

Ik would like to be a volcano... smoke all day and people say ... look he is working!

In case of fire read this message.....................................I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!

It is charming, incredibly handsome, extremely good, well shaped, horny,an animal in bed and it knows one French word ... MOI!!

Love me or leave me. Hey,where is everybody going

Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

My feelings for you are like the sea. " Wild and romantic ? " "No, they make me sick."

My mother in law walks five miles every day, I wonder where she is at this moment...

Nice perfume... but do you really need to marinate in it?

One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.

SARDAR JOKES Top 10 sardar inventions 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered torch 3) Submarine revolving door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag

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Once there were four guys , hindu,muslim,sikh and christian.They all started an arguement about hanuman ji. The matter of their arguement was the religion of hanuman ji. First of all Hindu came forward and said Ram ji was hindu , hanuman ji was his follower so hanuman ji was also hindu. Then the muslim guy quickly responded at this and said hanuman is a muslim name jaise rehman suleman waise hi hanuman. The christian guy said no it is an english name just like heman and superman (heman,superman,hanuman). At this the sardar ji got angry and said "Jo insaan kisi doosre ki bewee (wife) ke liye apni poonch mein aag lagwa sakta hai,wo sardar ke siwa koi nahi ho saktaa"

what is a sikh scuba diver called? jal-andhar singh. what is history of punjab called? sarson-da-saga. what would punjabi international airlines be called? kitthe pacific. what would national airlines be named? itthe pacific. what do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? just-beer singh. what do you call a sardar who has only one drink? just-one singh

Paint the highway A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is swetting in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai??' Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata

Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!! Q: How do you keep a surd busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!

17
Q: Why do surds wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat? A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why do surds work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: He turned it over and used the other side. Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. Q: How do you confuse a surd? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff. Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: Why do men like surd jokes? A: Because they can understand them. Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: What do you do when a surd throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A surd parade. Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING.

18
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done." Q: What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ? A: He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes. Q: What surdarji will do if he wants a white paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more..) A: He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!! Q: THINK about it. A: I don't have to think.... I'm surd !! Q:) why does a sardar smile during lightning? A:) He thinks his photograph is being taken! Q:) Why did a sardarji took a binocular to a funeral? A:) Because it was a close friend of sardarji....

One day a sardarjee entered my provision store and asked for a packet of butter. He was handed over with the packet which had the caption cholestrol free written on it. He paid for the butter and was handed over the butter He waited for sometime. On asking him what else he wanted, he replied " don't think I will get fooled by you shopkeepers, please hand over the cholestrol which the company offered free with purchase of this pack".

Kaun Banega Crorepati Once a sardarji is selected to play the Kaun Banega Crorepati game with Mr Bacchan. Mr Bacchan asks the Sardar "Aap ek hazaar rupye jeetne ke liye taiyaar hain" Sardarji replies " Haanji bilkul taiyaar hain" Mr Bacchan says " Aapka pehla sawal " Aapka naam kya hai ?" Sardarji replies "Balwinder Singh", Mr Bacchan asks - sure ? Sardarjee - Oh jee 100% sure Mr Bacchan asks - lock kar doo ? Sardarjee replies Ha ji lock kar do. Mr Bacchan " Mubarak ho Aap ek hazaar rupye jeet gaye". Mr Bacchan says "Ab aapka doosra sawaal" Mr Bacchan asks the second question - "Aap ke pitaji ka naam kya hai ?" After thinking for quite some time the Sardarji says " Are atleast chaar options to do"

A Sardar is speaking to her psychiatrist. Sardar, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Sardar, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?" Sardar, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?" Sardar, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

This Sardarji is driving a passenger train when all of a sudden he gets the train off the tracks, drives it into the nearby field and back on to the rails. All this long the passengers are shocked and upon the next stop complain to the Station Master. An angry SM confronts the Sardar who says, "Saab main theekh hee chala rahatha jab main ne dekha ke ek aadmi tracks par khada hai". But the SM retorts "To toone ek aadmi ke liye itnee logon ki jaane mushkil main daali, abe saale le jaana tha uske upar say". "Saab main bhi yehi socha lekin jab train nazdeek aayi to voh saala bhagnay laga", says the Sardarji.

19

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young Sardar attendant just filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the Sardar attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means. 'Unleaded Fuel Only."

Once one sardar and one pathan were traveling in one train. Sardar was trying to open his suitcase to take out his night dress. But he was unable to open it. Pathan came and opened the suitcase & said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . After an hour sardar was busy in opening his lunch box. But he could not opened it. Pathan came, opened the box & said "Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . After some time sardar was trying to open door of toilet but he couldn't . Again Pathan came and opened it with one kick and said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" This time sardar was to angry he asked pathan "oye muzhe ek gal bata, teri ma jungle gayi thi ya sher tere ghar aaya tha?" and went off.

Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt. Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, "Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved." All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea. Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea. After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted, " Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal" "wahe guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh" "Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman" "jai Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di" "Jai jawan jai kissan " and finally yelled at the top of his voice "Bharat mata ki jai" And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea.

One day one sardar was standing outside the gateway of India in Mumbai. One newly married couple came there, they were on their honey moon and they were to visit Mumbai and delhi. They had to go to delhi the next day, the couple went to the sardarji and asked "tusi ki karte piyo (what are you doing?"the sardar ji replied my son is just born I am filling his birth certificate ". The next day the couple saw the sardarji in front of lal kila in Delhi and was filling the same form, the couple went again to the Sardarji and asked "what are you doing here"? Sardarji replies "I am filling my son's birth certificate " the couple says "but you were filling the same form in Mumbai yesterday " The sardarji now irritated replied "Can't you see it is written fill in Capital"

The Exam

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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour". "But yaar", he says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."

Once a Sardar was going to his office. On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt. Next day , on his way to the office, he noticed a banana peel and exclaimed " sala aaj bhi phisalna hoga". Later after two days, he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala , aaj to choice hai"!!!!!!

Once a sardarji marries a girl, within one and a half years he gets a baby girl.He is very upset as he expected a boy. But he decides to tell people that it is a boy and not a girl!!!! At the naming ceremony of the child, two of his sardarji friends look at the child for the first time. As told earlier, the sardar tells them that its a boy!!! The two sardarji friends tell the father of the child that the eyes of the new born child are like him, he childs nose is also like that of the sardar. Suddenly the new born baby urinates on one of the sardar friends. hey take out the nappy to clean the baby, Alas they are shocked to see that it is a baby girl. They ask the father sardarji the reason for this. He answers in a COOL way, "Are bhai, you said the babys eyes and nose are like me, So something should be like its mother also SAMJHE KYA?"

"Help... the Titanic is going to be drowned..." Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship. Italian : How far is land, from here ? Sardarji : Two miles .. Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards ...

Once many people from around the world were invited at Queen Victoria's residence for lunch. At the beginning of the lunch it was announced that every thing which is to be asked will be asked in a poetic way. There was a sardar also. A person sitting next to sardar said to his partner "Mr. Tibutboon, please pass the spoon". Now the sardar wanted custard. He thought a lot for a simile for custard but couldn't find one. In the end he said to his partner "you bastard, pass the custard".

Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father." Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?" No son, that's because you are intelligent. " Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??" No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father. Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"

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The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."

A sardar was recently hired at an office. His first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well on the first day on the job, he grabbed a large thismos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. He held up the thismos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the sardar asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the sardar sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.

You should be sure the person is Sardar when he: * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out. * sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. * tries to drown a fish in waters. * thinks socialism means partying. * trips over a cordless phone. * takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. * studies for a blood test and fails. * sells the car for gas money. * misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said,"Airport left", he turns around and goes home. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

A sardarji once went to america. He toured the entire united states and before returning he visited Washington D.C to hear John F. Kennedy's speech. During his speech Kennedy told the crowd that he had slept with only one other woman than his wife and challenged the crowd to guess who she was. When the crowd gave up he promptly told that it was his mother. The crowd went wild and the surd was very impressed. When he came back a party was thrown in honor of him and he was asked to give a speech, He remembered kennedy's speech and he told the crowd that he had slept with only one woman other than his wife and challenged the people to guess who the person was. When the crowd gave up the surd said, Kennedy's mother.

There was this Sardarji who was a non-smoker, one of his friends claimed that he can make the Sardarji a chainsmoker, It was a hundred bucks bet. His Friend brought a pack of WILLS (cigarette) and told Sardarji that it was an abbreviation for "Women in London Love Sadars" (WILLS) The Sardarji loved the concept and started smoking and soon became a chainsmoker. Now it was a turn of another of his friends, this friend claimed that he can de-addict Sardarji but for two hundred bucks. This Friend also brought the Sardarji a pack WILLS (Cigarette) but told the Sardarji what WILLS if reversed (SLLIW) stands for "Sardars Look Like Indian Women." The Sardarji left smoking!

Sardar's Planting Trees A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. 'Tell me,' said the passerby, 'What on earth are you doing?' 'Well,' said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. Today Balwant is off, because he is ill, but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off!

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A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions: 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 2. How many seconds are there in a year? The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered... 1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?" The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...." Saint Peter lets him in without another word

Sardar to Sunita: "I want to marry you" Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you." Sardar: "No Problem, then I will marry you next year."

Q:) Why does sardarji brings binoculorses in his own marriage? A:) To see his far reletavies.

Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. ?You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches.

Q. What would you call an Irish lady that marries a Sardarji? A. Blonde Sardarini. Q. And would this couple be as smart as other people? A. Yes, since math says 50%+50%=100%

A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels, but he always started reading from the middle. A friend of his asked why he did so?" It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning".

A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs. The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give >you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks." The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. " Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks. The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees(of ticket) back!

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats"

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A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks(****). The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258

Punjab Develpoment Once all Sardarji's clubed together and decided to develop Punjab and they wanted the Punjab as a Developed State. Each of them started giving suggestions ... finally one great Sardarji gave a suggestion with a huge volume "Lets fight with Indian Government, get freedom from India then, Declare war on America.... We will be definetly defeated by America and we shall be the part of the America and then they will obviously develop our punjab also".... "Wow" the crowd cheered up..... there was at last a thin voice asking "What about if we win ?"

A policeman was interviewing 3 SARDARS who were getting trained to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matterwith you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?" "That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." bolo ta ra ra raa....

Sardarji enters kitchen, Opens sugar box, sees it and closes, his wife sees this. Again he comes after sometime opens sugar box and closes. Wife asks, "What are you doing?" Sardarji replies, "The doctor told me to check sugar level regularly."

Sardar's Interview Sardar went to an interview... Interviewer: Have u heard of "MIKE TYSON"?? Sardarji: Yes Sir. Interviewer: Can u tell me his father's name?? Sardar thought for a while & replied : "MIKE TIE" !! BEST FRIEND JOKES A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes.

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Real friendship is most notable in those times of trouble. Times of prosperity are full of 'friends'. True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. Life without friendship is like the sky without sun. Friendship is a single soul living in two bodies. Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship -- neverends. Two people can't wish to be friends long if they can't manage to forgive each other's minor failings. Life is nothing without friendship. Love is friendship set on fire. Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief. There is no distance too far between best friends, for friendship gives wings to the heart. There is no friendship, no love, like that of the parent for the child. True friends are those who are there for you unconditionally. Never do they question, but always offer support no matter what the circumstances are. Best Friends are the people worth living for. Side by side or miles apart, dear friends are always close to the heart. A best friend is somebody who knows every last thing about you, yet still manages to like you anyway If time slips away and you havent heard a word from me, always remember that our friendship is more then just words, its a feeling of togetherness!! My girlfriend told me, I should be more Affectionate, so I got two Girlfriends We win and loose things everyday, but trust me you will never loose my friendship, I will allways be there... Friends r like mirrors they are our reflection you r **beep** lucky I look good !!! It must have been a very rainy day when U were born but it wasnt rain, it was d sky who was Crying coz it lost its most BEAUTIFUL star

If friends were flowers i would not pick you, i'll let u grow & cultivate u with love n care so i can keep u as a friend 4ever Friendship isnt about whom you have known the longest, who came first or who cares the best.. its about who came and never left. Difference between love & friendshp..you give your whole heart to your love & they BREAK IT but you give your broken heart to a friend & they MAKE IT Thats Friendship All flowers cant debit LOVE but ROSE did it All birds cant symbolize PEACE but DOVE did it

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All friends cant enter in my HEART buT you did it A True Friend Is Not Like The Rain That Pours And Goes Away But Like The Air, Not Visible But Always There.. Have a nice day Sometimes in life..we tend 2 run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS are running with us..we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop... to pick us.. A*smile* is a sign of joy a *hug* is a sign of love,a*laugh* is a sign of happiness & a frend like me is a sign of YOUR DAM GOOD CHOICE A friend is 1 of nicest thngs you can hve & one f the best things you can be, friend is living tresre & if yo hve 1, yo hve one f the most vlble gifts and life thanks for being one.

ABOUT ME Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, Spontaneous, Good Looking, Nice Friends, Charming, Funny, well... Enough about ME! How about you?

GOOD TASTE A phone is a form of communication, a kiss is a form of affection. A picture is a form of remembrance, CHOOSING me as your FRIEND is a form of.. ehem GOOD TASTE!

BE MY FRIEND If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us, you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you.

RULES TO BE HAPPY 6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred; Free your mind from worries; Live simply; Expect less; Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND

FRIENDS Time might lead me to nowhere; Fate might break me apart; I'll always be thankful that once, along my life's journey I found a friend like U...

RING I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land....

FRIENDS LIKE HAIR Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.

NICE FRIENDS A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams...

FRIENDSHIP TEST...

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thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe...

FRIENDS True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.

FRIENDSHIP IS.... FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!!

A RING A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend.

WONDERFUL FRIEND There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u!

WAT U SEE Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart!

FATE 2B FRIENDS A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us.

WHAT YOU SAY Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say...

FRIENDSHIP MEANS... I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha

ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU... Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you...

LEAVING FOOTPRINTS Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

AS LONG AS.... As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.

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PRICETAGS GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!

OLD FRIENDS Never abandon old friends. They are hard 2 replace. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. Just like us... i get BETTER, u get OLDER.

PATH OF FRIENDSHIP The sun is glazing, upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU!

NIGHT PRAYER Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen. NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.

WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U...

BEHIND YOU DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp, ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U, DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd, I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall...

FALLING APART Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.

HOME EARLY 1 day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

NEVER LOSE ME! We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend!

BEST FRIEND A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

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SHOOTING STARS The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!!

KEEPING A FRIEND KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. YOU sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enough 4 you... but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping you..

PROMISE We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE!

FLOWER If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! FALLING APART .Friend is a book with only one copy published. You are one of the best books ever written. A masterpiece worth reading million times

lm not wealthy but I have a rich heart, l am not the best but I always try my best, l may not right in evrythng, but im sure l wasnt wrong in choosing you 2 be my friend

A lover makes you realise how wonderful the world is. But its a friend who makes you realise how wonderful you are to the world. THAT's LIFE

When u draw a circle with friendship as radius & love as center u will always find me on the circumference

Treat life as the sea, your heart as the seashore, friends like the waves, it never matters how many waves are there, what matters is which one touches the seashore..

True Frnds see yoU true. Believe in things you wanna do. Feel glad when your dreams come true. Best of all they dont judge you & simply love you coz ur you PRICELESS GIFT FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~!

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SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!

COMPARE FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN...

FRIENDS 4 LIFE Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!

COMPUTER A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!

FRIENDS ALWAYS In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!

ANGEL FRIENDS I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.

OUT OF MY CONTROL Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.

MEMORY LASTS FOREVER A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.

FRIENDSHIP The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.

NEVER SPLIT I met you as a stranger, I leave you as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship never ends. All friends never split and even if they do they will meet again.

Whos a frnd? A push when you stop, touch when your lost, word when your quite, smile when your sad, a shoulder when you cry. your all that 4 me.

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Happy frndshps day

In the rhythm of life v smetimes, find ourselvs 'Out of tune', But as long as there are frenz 2 provide the melody, the music plays on!' HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY... Making a million friends is not a miracle, the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when a million are against you.HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY Life s like box of chocolates u never knw wht u gonna get.. Even i didnt knw, but whn we became FRENDS i jst knw tht i got d SWEETEST BOX! HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY! F'ship is like standin on wet cement, longer U stay harder it is 2 leave & if U ever leave, U can never go without leaving ur footprints! Another month, Another year, Another smile, Another tear, Another winter, A summer too.... but there'll never be... ANOTHER YOU.. Happy frdship day! Love says i love u, crush says i like u. hug says i want u, smile says i adore u. but a FRIEND says i care for u... today tomorrow & FOREVER!! I dont expect 2 be the most imptnt friend in ur life dats 2 much 2 ask, wat will make me happy is tht 1 day if u hear my name u'll smile n saY dats my frnd! Though my WORDS r FEW, bt my HEART is TRUE. Frnds I can make, bt none as SWEET as U. Ven God gav FRIENDS,he tried 2 b FAIR, bt ven I got U,I got MORE than my SHARE! F-R-I-E-N-D-S are like balloons; once u let them go, U cant ever bring them back thats Y i hv tied u tight to my H-E-A-R-T! Bcoz u r 2 precious 2loose!! A true friend is someone who thinks that r a good egg even though he knows that r slightly cracked.. shud be proud to have a true friend like me! friends never leave each other friends never part they just some times sit silently deep in each others heart saying, "i'm still here, r u?

Do you know what is FRIENDSHIP? It is the SMALLEST thing u argue 4, when u r together AND MISS those SMALLEST thing when u r APART Time might lead me nowhere & fate might break me into pieces, but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life's journey we became FRIENDS Frnds r like films. sum r musical. sum r romantic. sum r advnturus. sum r comedy. n yet othrs r tragedy. Very few are like U, OSCAR WINNING Ur validity being myfrend is going to be expird 2day. Plz Rechrg ur frendship a/c immdiatly by Sending 4-5 sweet & Cool msgs. So Hurry Rechrg Now !!

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Friends r like fishes... u have 2 sit patient 4 a long time to catch a nice one... just like i caught u... better stay nice or i'll fry u 24 sweet hrs make 1 sweet day. 7 sweet days make 1 sweet week. 4 sweet week make 1 sweet month. But 1 sweet frnd like u makes my life. You are the best heart surgeon in the world; b'coz you made a place in my HEART without cutting & spilling it. Thanks for being my FRIEND There is a story bhind every frndship. Each frnd v make is a start of each story. Our story had a wonderful bgining. Hope this story never has an nding Often v stand at life's crossroads & view wht v thnk is d END. Bt wid d help of a true frend, v cn cnvrt dis end in2 jst a BEND! 2gethr, v cn alwys mke a diff.! In the world few things r GODS gift, mother's love father's advice brother's care sister's fight baby's smile & ours frendship...

Certain frnds touch our heart & v cant stop thinking about them. That is the kind of frnds v are Far yet so Near, Simple yet so Precious Feeling of love, moments of caring, small small sharing, stupid fights, shoulders 2 cry, 2 b 2gether in pain, creates a miracle called FRIENDS..! Sometimes in life.. we tend to run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS r running with us.. we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop ...2 pick us up.. Having a crush is sweet...falling in luv is exciting...having a heart break sucks... but having a friend like u...TOTALLY ROCKS... Think of me and keep in mind, a faithful friend is hard to find, but if you find one equal and true, never leave the old for new . V WIN & LOSE thngs evryday. But trust me on 1 thng: You will NEVER lose ME! I will ALWAYS be thr. To eat r head! (",) JL Happy Friendship Day Life is meaningful... when u have friends to share it with. . Thank u for sharing my life with me, friend.

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10 Office Rules: 10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. 9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. 8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. 6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy. 5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays. 4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. 3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best). 2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive. 1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

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"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply: 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 10: I've run away to join a different circus.

"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk 1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. 3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. 4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. 7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. 9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 10. The coffee machine is broken.

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This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.

Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

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Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

WINTER JOKES The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first

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he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."

DIRTY JOKES A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

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A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" Check out our other Dirty Jokes pages... What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

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She is the one who can eat the last donut! What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches.

Dirty Joke about Little Billy Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, without any clothes. In this garden, were two little leaves, one covered Adam's, one covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, the wind came along, and blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, started to rise. They found a spot, that suited them best, a nice big tree, where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, and wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, and filled her with passion, Beyond her control.

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Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, was all wet inside. The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice. Then down through the years, People did screw, and now it is time, for me and you. So pull down your pants, and lay in the grass, because I'm in the mood, for a piece of that ASS!

Ben & Jerry's New Presidential (Clinton) Flavors Slick Willie Double Nut Joy Subpoenas 'n' Cream Impeach-Mint Candy Pants Chocolate Chip Doughboy Chilly Hillbilly Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla Pantsachio Subpoena Colada Biscuits 'n' Gravy Horny Bubba Crunch Arkansas Peach Subpoena Butter Cup Peppermint Fattie Captain Cream Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Hyperactive Nuts

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Scandalberry

Viagra Joke Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can

14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out 14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA. 13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man. 12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere." 11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points. 10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again." 9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List. 8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by. 7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms. 6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats. 5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company. 4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant. 3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com 2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov" 1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up. 'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman. 'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had

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enough. 'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!' 'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to fuck her!" "Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?" Clinton Joke Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us

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15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean. 14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all." 13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. 12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock boy" display. 11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. 10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. 9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. 6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. 5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel. 4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack." 3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. 2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. 1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."

The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "Nope", he replied. A few minutes later she asked, Now do you want to get in the back seat? "No, I don't", he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

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The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife." Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.

Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads 10. JRLA -- Janet Reno Look-Alike 9. CWP -- Cigar-Wielding President 8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -- Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys 7. RHMI -- Really Hip Macarena Instructor 6. HAWGSOH -- Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor 5. STLSM -- Show Tune-Loving Straight Male 4. SWFWHBTP -- Single White Female Who Has Blown the President 3. EHWC -- Extremely Hairy White Chick 2. WARSADAP -- Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One 1. WSUBFC -- Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home

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and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies, "It died today." "Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday." The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time." God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the sance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. 'Pockets!' said Larry.

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The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick, Tom and Harry. After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her. He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. The mechanism was simple, it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist. Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity. Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun). The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king, on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him! Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth.

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W -E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

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To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair 10. Lately she sits at the computer naked. 9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette. 8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. 7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up. 6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand. 5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software". 4. Lipstick on the mouse. 3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt. 1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks. "I'm warming up your dinner!!"

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

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With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies?.....

The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It Youre sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Story of a Woman who just turned 47 When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick. The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help. Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "Witch," he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!"

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She takes one look at his massive cock and then says, "You do need my help. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond. Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your penis will shrink by ten inches!" Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest. And, sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. "Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up, annoyed. "No!" he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man." The guy looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted, so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!" "No - I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but, still, another ten inches off would be perfect! "Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts, "No ..........NO.....AND FOR THE LAST TIME.........NO!"

So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst." So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face. Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....

A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"

The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide. So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says: "Sister, will you have sex with me?" "Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God." Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him - "Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says, "quick, tell me!" "Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"

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Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray. "I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries, "I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?" "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off. So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?" "Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...."

This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command." Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a cock that touches the floor." Whereupon both his legs fell off.

It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"

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"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please." Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to check out 10." Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10." A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked. Bill looked at her. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified. "Yes, I did," replied Bill. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick; The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick. A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless. It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen, His testicles on either side, his willy in between. It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal. But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil. It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast, It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least. Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.

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A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't. During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach, A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach. But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure. I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure? Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught. They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see, But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee! Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve. Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat. It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee! But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute, Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot. And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail. Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail. And so I'd say with certainty That every man just loves his tool: But girls, be sure you never chew, Just suck and fondle, lick and play, And never, ever bend!

Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. Some people have it, some don't. 2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off. 3. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. 4. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. 5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. 6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. 7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. 9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it." A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the

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cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

Why Fishing is Better Than Sex When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught. You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence 15. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. Performing with Flaccido Domingo 13. A few parts shy of an erector set

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12. Sch-wing and a miss 11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. The Null Monty 9. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6. Bouncing the Check of Love 5. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4. All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You 2. Serving boneless pork 1. Unleavened Man-Bread

A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says, "No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally." The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank. One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom I was masturbating and shot the dog!"

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?" The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes." "Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?" "Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers. The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?" The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

One afternoon a man says to his wife, you, me and the dogs are going pig shooting. They pack the truck and head off. They get there late at night and the man says, we will head off at sunrise. The wife is tired and replies, I don't want to go in the morning. The husband is furious and replies, I will give you 3 options, you, me and the dog shoot, or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well, what's it to be. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. As soon as she starts she stops and says, your dick tastes like shit. He replies: "Yeh, the dog didn't want to go either."

LAWYER JOKES YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ...... * You met him in prison. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." * He tells you that he's never told a lie. * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." * A prison guard is shaving your head.

What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? They grow taller!

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Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

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"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner - he made me do all the work."

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The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."

Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic. Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?

There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Stanley Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant. The specialty of the day is brains - fried doctor brains for twenty bucks, sauted architect brains for twenty-five bucks, and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly. The waiter snorts, "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."

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Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and a lawyer. You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice! When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2.Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. Overcharging fees to many clients. 3.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile.... The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says," Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

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A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate an attorney and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

A stingy old attorney, who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased attorney's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages.

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The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour.

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

An attorney defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his attorneys assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown. She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello, Angela. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Angela. "But don't tell my mother. She still thinks I'm a prostitute."

A bus load of attorneys were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the attorneys. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them attorneys lie."

A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the attorney offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked, "Aren't you going to have one too, for your nerves?" "Of course I am," replied the attorney, "after the Highway Patrol gets here."

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What's the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?" Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "Im lonely. I wish my friends were back here." A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you. The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son? The boy takes the quarters and leaves. What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns! Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? The boy licked his cone and replied, Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over! It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, he says. They're all at the funeral." Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers wont help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you." On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Dont forget the coffee!" A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Ive got a special game for you. Ill do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paintmyhouse." A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, theres a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the

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third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!" A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "whats on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go roof." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "Ill go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the towns only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I cant leave," the doctor says. But heres what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says youre gonna die." A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Heres a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what hed like to eat. "Ill have some fuckin French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I dont know," he says meekly, "but I definitely dont want the fuckin French toast." Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat." I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and Im thinking, okay, heres a gal whos capable of making a decision shell regret in the future. (Richard Jeni) Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Heres that $20 I owe you," he says. Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park." TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a Tshirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld) A guy tells his psychiatrist: It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that Id be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I dont get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didnt see the email." A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason) I cant think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why theyre dead. (Laura Kightlinger) At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose." Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. Its in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. Hes dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. Its another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "unfucking-believable!" A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: hes allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Thats not surprising," the elders say. "Youve done nothing but complain since you got here." I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips) China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if youre a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown) I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didnt know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner) I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield) They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret) A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright) Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but its worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres) I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

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A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober." My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman) My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer) A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize shes given you two $100 bills. Now, heres where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman) I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" (Steven Wright) Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright) Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, were givin you fair warnin. Anything you do to that chicken, were gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley) I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller) I feel sorry for people who dont drink or do drugs. Because someday theyre going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they wont know why. (Redd Foxx) I failed my drivers test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I dont know look around, listen to the radio (Bill Braudis) I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield) A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen) A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father OMalley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. Im seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, Im currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life Ive never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think youve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "Im telling everybody!" Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "Im thinking!" After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes) I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman) I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they dont want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey) A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "Thats awfully steep, isnt it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now whats your final question?" An old woman is upset at her husbands funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "Well take care of it, maam" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

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The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock) I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright) When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips) I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield) A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads." Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, youve got it made. (George Burns) A man is driving his five year old to a friends house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesnt make it right, and I dont ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag." The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone) I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright) Theres always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, Id fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller) I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. Theyve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock) Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?" A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'" I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx) A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson) I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling) If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln) Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "Im too young to die. Im only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, youre eighty two." "Hows you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets." A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temples cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds well get on Yom Kippur!" At the airport they asked me if anybody I didnt know gave me anything. Even the people I know dont give me anything. (George Wallace) I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields) I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think hes great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You cant fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher) Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA! Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. Theyve heard one anothers material so much, theyve reached the point where they dont need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, its the third comics turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isnt 44 funny?" "Sure, its usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I dont even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner) New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman) I worked some gigs in the Deep SouthAlabamaYou talk about Darwins waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller) Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." Thats now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check the waiter said, "Dont put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner) A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and youre the funniest guy Ive ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex youre ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?" A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman) My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I dont mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley) We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis) Animals may be our friends. But they wont pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait) I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen) If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright) Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)

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Last year, I deducted 10,697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "Dont ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." (Dick Gregory) L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher) Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen) Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. Its a shark riding on an elephants back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey) Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says "Thirty two years -- how about you?" The first actor says, "That's nothing. I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other says, "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!" I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller) In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin) Take my wifeplease (Henny Youngman)

Jokes for your friends

Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Paul's friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes. The second man said 'You don't have time to change shoes. You can't outrun that bear!' The first man said, 'I know I can't outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you! "What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny. "Let's play schools," said Jenny. "OK!" said Florence. "But I'm going to be absent." A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?

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Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says "You must be a manager." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." Pritam is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he spots his friend Shankar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Shankar is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. Pritam gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Shankar and asks him, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" Shankar replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks Pritam, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field." Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. After roaming all day long under the hot sun, they set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, John woke up his friend. "Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

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Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asked John. Jack thought for a minute and said. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" After a moment of silence, John spoke. "It tells two things to me. First is that...you are an idiot." Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said. "Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent." replied John. Two friends, Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon. For a long time, they could not decide upon any game. Suddenly, Jenny had an idea. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. "Let's play schools". "OK!" said Jinny. "But I'm going to be absent." Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: 'This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself.' Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, 'You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend.' Money, money, money It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine

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But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find:-) Espirit de spirit The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Forward these jokes to your friend now! Click here! Golf ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

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Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it."

Lord's Army A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." Do your homework - step by step 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 10. Listen to the other side. 11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile. 16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

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22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it. 24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs. 26. Leap up and write the paper. 27. Type the paper. 28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.