Parenting is a two way journey - teaching as well as

Learning
7 1une 21,
Bangalore Ashram, India

$ri $ri Address to parents

It is very diIIicult Ior me to talk about parenting. I have no experience. But I can give you some
ideas through observation. You have to put this into your experience and see. II you are very
orderly, children will make you chaotic. Children are best to break your boundaries. I remember
one oI my uncles used to be very strict and discipline me and my sister very much. When he had
a son, his son started disciplining him, broke all his barriers. So, your children teach you a lot
that others may not be able to. The Iirst thing Ior us is to observe a kid, its tendencies, and the
direction the kid is taking. It is a two way journey. What do you want to learn Irom them? And
what do you want to teach them? Don`t try to put them through your own vision. You have to
share your vision with them and persuade them iI their vision is wrong. Every child has come to
this planet with certain tendencies, certain basics which cannot be changed. And he/she acquires
certain things which can be controlled. Are you with me? It is a big exercise. II you are a very
much disciplined person, child can create chaos in your liIe, and they can show you your place,
make you break your barriers. We have to be very sensitive. This is one thing that we have to
keep in our mind. II you tell children not to lie, and ask them to reply a phone call saying you are
not at home, this is simply not going to work. Having an argument in Iront oI your children will
make it worse. II you want to have some argument between you and your spouse, you better give
your children some job, and then Iight as much as you can. But by the time they come back, you
better patch up.
We encourage the tendency in children not to give things away, and holding onto things. When
that goes beyond a certain limit, we Ieel suIIocated. We oIten tell them to keep things to
themselves. Then they get this tendency oI holding back. Small actions can reIlect one`s
personality. It can be a hindrance to one`s personality. At the same time we can encourage their
giving and sharing attitude, and that can develop one`s personality. So, we can do a lot in
modiIying the acquired talents or personality oI a kid. But you cannot do anything with the seed
that a child is born with. That will anyway come. These two aspects we have to distinguish, and
that is wisdom. And halI the job is done iI you can do that. The rest halI, you have to leave it to
God. You have no control on rest halI. So this whole process teaches a lot oI patience and
perseverance, and yet leading them to where they should be going. Giving them a dream and
persuading them to walk towards the dream is a biggest challenge in Iront oI parents. So, expose
them to multiIarious activities. This has to be done beIore a child is 10 or 11. You should take
the child to science, arts and expose them to all the Iaculties including doing service. On one
Sunday, give them some chocolates and ask them to distribute to the poorest people. Once or
twice in an year, take them to slum and ask them to do social service. This would enhance their
personality in some unknown manner and same thing in studies.
You have to expose them to both science and music. The leIt brain as well as the right brain has
to be nourished. You know, the concept oI Saraswati, Goddess oI learning, is so amazing. II you
look at the symbol oI Saraswati, there is a musical instrument, a book and a rosary in her hands.
Book symbolizes nourishing the leIt brain, the musical instrument symbolizes nourishing the
right brain and rosary symbolizes the meditative aspect. So, knowledge, music and meditation
all three are required to make the education complete. Then you can call someone educated and
civilized. So, make sure that children learn music and yoga. And also make sure that the children
have a scientiIic tempo, and they ask questions. Encourage them to ask questions. A child starts
asking questions at the age oI three. Then on they keep asking questions. Many times, they come
up with questions oI which you have no answer. How many parents have this experience? They
make you wonder. They make you ponder on reality which is stunning. So, it is very necessary
Ior them to inculcate both music and scientiIic tempo.
Then see the personality oI your child. See that they interact with various age groups. How do
they interact with little ones? How do they interact with the ones who are older to them? How do
they interact with someone oI their own age group? This is something very important. You can
understand with this whether they are developing any superiority or inIeriority complex, or iI
they are becoming introvert or extrovert. And you can play a very important role here. Play some
games with them, and encourage them to interact with all the age groups, and we can mould their
personality to a very central, talented and Ilexible human being, to a personality which is Iree oI
complexes. Children who have inIeriority complex would like to interact more with the younger
ones and would try to run away Irom elder ones and even try to avoid their equals. People with
superiority complex try to shun the younger ones, and would only want to relate to the older
ones. They are not good communicators in either case. As parents, you can teach them
communication skills. It is very important Ior them to learn how to communicate.
I want you to do an exercise. Tell to the person sitting next to you, 'I don`t trust you. This is a
chance to say it iI it is your spouse (Jokingly)! (AIter some period oI time when audience
couldn`t do it even aIter being asked upon two three times) You cannot do it seriously. See
how diIIicult it is to tell someone that you don`t trust him/her. It is diIIicult to tell someone that
you trust him/her. But it is even more diIIicult to tell someone that you don`t trust him/her. Did
you get it? Did you notice you did something that you never did beIore? You told someone that
you don`t trust him/her and you start smiling. Has this ever happened to you beIore? Children
have a trusting tendency by nature. But somehow their trust is broken. We need to look into that.
Do they trust themselves? Do they have enough conIidence in themselves? A healthy child has
three kinds oI trust.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

our child should be participative in your life


A healthy child will have three kinds oI trust - Trust in the divinity, trust in the goodness oI
people and trust in one selI. A healthy child will not think that everybody is a thieI or everybody
is bad. He/ She doesn`t get into this sort oI paranoia. A healthy child knows that people are good.
A healthy child has trust in himselI/ herselI and trust in the unseen power oI God, Divinity, some
higher power. These three types oI trusts can make a child genius .These are the ingredients to
make a very talented and genius child. To nurture them, we need to bring about these tendencies
in them.
II you keep telling children that everyone is a cheat, the child loses its trust in the people around
and the society in general. Their personality, talents and communication skills will shrink. Their
interaction with people will suIIer a great deal. They become unsuccessIul business persons,
unsuccessIul proIessionals and unsuccessIul artists. They may have talents but this is the result
you will get iI trust in people and in the goodness oI things as they are is taken away. Today, you
have many young people who want to be entrepreneurs, but they are not successIul. You know
why? This is the reason. They don`t trust in the goodness oI people nor do they trust in
themselves. As parents we have to build these things in a child. Do you encourage iI they come
to you with complaints? What do you do? Do you encourage the negativity? Or you mould it to
something positive. You have to play a balanced role. Sometimes your child comes to you and
says so and so is so good, and you know that that Iriend oI your son/ daughter is not so good.
Here you have to point out their mistakes and bring them to the center line sometimes. They get
swayed away by somebody and you know their habits are not so good, then you have to tell the
negative things. But iI they are telling you negative things about somebody, then you have to
point out the positive. So, you have to have a balancing act whenever a child swings too much to
the leIt or too much to the right. Do you agree with me? We create an atmosphere around us. II
we create an atmosphere oI trust and children grow in that atmosphere, they become brilliant.
But, iI we create an atmosphere oI negativity, distrust, or dejection, they are going to reIlect and
bounce the same thing on us. Having come here today, I want to give you an exercise to do
which I want you to do every day. When you come back Irom work and meet your children, the
Iirst thing you do is clap with them, or play, or laugh. It may look little artiIicial Ior one or two
days. But later on, it will become a breakthrough Ior you and your kids. Sit and have Iood with
the whole Iamily, as much as possible, at least 3 to 4 times a week. And while having Iood, don`t
tell them they are bad. While serving them Iood, don`t put down their moods. There is a time to
tell them when they are wrong, never on the dining table.
Close your eyes Ior 30 seconds. Just suppose that everyone is telling you that they don`t trust
you. Think no one trusts you. How do you Ieel?(AIter 30 seconds) Open your eyes. Bad, sad,
unhappy! You know this is the atmosphere we create- I don`t trust you, I don`t trust you` .It is
an eIIort to create an healthy atmosphere, I understand because your liIe is not only your own
children. You have so many other things; you have to interact with so many other people. When
you have no control over your own moods, it is diIIicult to make a mood or create an atmosphere
just Ior the sake oI children. But we need to make an eIIort. So, let us quickly go over once
again. Have dinner with the kids atleast 3-4 times in a week. And when you are having Iood,
don`t point out their mistakes or blame them. See that their mood is upliIted. See that their
personality is developed such that they don`t Ieel the generation gap. They interact with elders as
well as youngsters. Give them some responsibility oI youngsters and sometimes some
responsibility to do something Ior older ones by which you can bridge their generation gap.
Make sure that they have little bit oI both science and arts. II you Iind your child is too much
oriented towards music and arts and doesn`t care Ior science, then you put in little eIIort to take
them to science museum or make them do some mathematics. Encourage them a little bit
towards science. II they are too much into science and mathematics, give Irom musical side as
well. It is not diIIicult to put them on musical side, because they always have musical or artistic
side to them. But especially boys, you will have to encourage them a little more .Girls naturally
have an inclination towards arts.
Engage them in some project where they are contributing, they are giving rather than acquiring
or possessing. We need to do something to inculcate this tendency in children. Just small things,
it doesn`t have to be anything big. See that they have three types oI trust. Trust in the goodness
oI people. Tell them the stories or good happenings in the world not just only the negative things.
Trust in themselves, encourage them. Sometimes they say, 'I can`t do it. Encourage them and
tell them that they can do it. And then trust in the goodness in the society. II they grow up with
the Ieeling oI mistrust or Iear, there will be paranoia. Their personality will start shrinking, they
can never blossom, they can never be good communicators in the society. Trust the society and
trust in divinity. A little bit oI ritual is essential to create an atmosphere Ior children. Make them
sit and do some chanting. Ask them to light a candle a lamp, some little bit oI ritual is good Ior
them to hold on. Make them to break a coconut or go to temple. It is important to root a little bit
oI sanskara about something that is supernatural. Don`t you think it is necessary? A Iaith in the
unknown can take them a long way. Not too much, though, just a little bit. Make them read a Iew
shalokas. These things will develop their personality.
When children are very positive about their Iriends, give them a little caution, but not too much.
II they are very negative about some Iriends, show that that there is something positive coming
out there also. In this way, you are pushing them to the center, not letting them Iall on either side.
Learn Irom them. Don`t always stand up as a teacher. But participate with them and learn Irom
them.

" How to cope up with child`s expectation when they compare themselves with others and
demand those things that others have? They say that so and so is groomed well and they
also want same kind of stuff.

Sri Sri You have to tell children that you can only give that much and they shouldn`t compare
themselves with others. But it is important that you don`t give them any Ialse hope. At the same
time, we can give them a dream. II you pass or do this, may be you will get it. Here lies the
importance oI bringing them up with that sensitivity and belongingness. That is why I said iI you
participate instead oI teaching them, they will not even ask you. They should be a participant in
your liIe. Then they will be sensitive towards you, rather than putting a demand on you. BeIore
you become a good Iather or mother, you need to become a good uncle or aunt. Are you getting
what I am saying? You should communicate more with Iriends oI your children. They will listen
to you. Suppose, iI your son`s/daughter`s Iriends have any wrong habit, you can inIluence them
to change. They listen to you more than their own parents. Similarly, other parents can take care
oI other`s children better than their own children.

" There is so much competition in society that kids have no time to relax. There is a fear
that they will not fit into society. How do we handle this situation? What is the mantra for
excellence?

Sri Sri I think you shouldn`t push them too much. You should teach them to relax. That is why
I said music, meditation, some games will all help.

" Children don`t care about their parents when they grow up. So many old age homes are
there. Where do we fail as parents and what is your advice to parents so that this situation
could be controlled?

Sri Sri That is why I am saying these three types oI trust are very important Trust in oneselI,
in goodness oI others and in the Divine. A little bit oI religion, moral and spiritual values, and
the way you treat your parents and ask them to treat their grandparents can make an impact on
them. So, you tell your children to take care oI their grandparents. They will start doing that way.

" How can spiritual practices strengthen academic progress?

Sri Sri DeIinitely. you know there has been a research recently Irom England that the children
who study Sanskrit excel in mathematics and linguistic Iunction oI their brain become so much
better that these children can learn any language Irom Chinese to English to Russia easily.
Researchers worked Ior 15 years and they Iind out these results. Three schools in England have
made Sanskrit compulsory in the school. They also did research why India is Excellent in IT.
Indian brain is more suitable on computer. This is because oI the background oI Sanskrit
language. So, it is good to have your children study Sanskrit. Apart Irom this there are number oI
researches which show how doing pranayama enhance the perIormance oI children. They Ieel
more calm, attentive, and more alert. They are able to perceive and digest better. There are
number oI such beneIits that have been proved. You can look into the yes website Ior the
beneIits that a child gets in academic Iield.

" Today, children are getting more attracted to western culture. My son gets annoyed if
jeans is washed after one wear. We have to pay an extra amount to get torn jeans, that is
how he loves to wear it. How can we bring a change in this attitude?

Sri Sri You know, all these Iashions keep on changing. So, don`t worry. None oI the Iashion
can stay Iorever. You create such awareness in your children and their Iriends. You inspire them
to adopt some diIIerent styles. That is why I am telling every parent has to be a good uncle and
aunt. You can`t care Ior your children only. You have to care Ior their Iriends. You should have
at least six parties Ior your children at home in a year where you should interact with Iriends oI
your children. Call them all over to your house, have a pajama party, sit with them, talk to them,
share stories, Iind out Irom them. II you spend one Saturday evening in two months, you can
make a great diIIerence.

" Please give guidance on parenting special children. What can be done for them through
the Art of living`?

Sri Sri You simply serve them. Don`t pity them. You know, people with special needs, their
soul is in a diIIerent state. They are not in a sorry state. They have come to this planet just to take
service. With this attitude, you do service. Never have sympathy oh poor child`. Children with
special needs have come just to take service Irom you.

" How do we know children are into drugs or just moody?

Sri Sri This you can Iind out. That`s why it is important Ior you to know them and their Iriend
circle. You will get to know what they do, where they go, keep a tab on them, especially teenage.
It is very diIIicult time. They are undergoing such a biological change. So, they are not just
satisIied with the love oI their parents, their body is discovering new things. They are looking Ior
some love Irom outside an emotional support, a physical pleasure. Their mind is in such
conIusion. So, to deal with teenage children is a big task. That`s why we have this yes and yes
course, which is Ior teens. I tell you, these courses have opened up children in such a way which
I cannot even describe.
In one oI the courses in New Delhi, 1000 youths participated. We asked a question, 'whom do
you hate Ioremost? 80 percent said their proIessor, 75 percent oI them said the second most
hated is their parents. In this country where we say, Maatra devo bhava, pitra devo bhava,
aacharya devo bhava, atithi devi bhava, Mother, Iather, teachers and guests are considered such
ideals and maniIestations oI Divine. It is appalling to see them start hating them. We don`t want
violence and stress in our education system at any cost. We do not want gun culture as is
happening in America. There is so much violence in class rooms there. Present year report says
that campus violence have tripled in America Irom what it was in 90`s. So, it is very dangerous
and we do not want this thing in India. That is why we need to bring moral and spiritual values,
ethical values oI compassion, Iriendliness and love.

" youth is so aggressive. We give them everything they ask for, yet there is no satisfaction.
They are so hyperactive. How to mellow down such hyperactive kids especially when they
are hurting others?

Sri Sri Just bring them to yes and yes course. When these kids in Delhi do the course, their
parents were wondering what we had done to their kids. They have become so nice. They never
thought about the kind oI transIormation that they saw in their kids aIter the curse. The same kids
who earlier said they hated their parents started caring about their parents, sending them notes
expressing their love Ior them, and asking them what can they do Ior them. There was total
transIormation in these kids. In 43 universities oI America, yes clubs are there. In Cornell
University and several other, it is credit now. So iI you do yes course, do meditation, practices,
you get credit. World is recognizing this now and better India start doing it. We will have to
teach them meditation and ways to manage their own negative emotions.
'That which you cannot express is Love.
That which you cannot reject/renounce is Beauty.
That which you cannot avoid is the Truth."
~ Sri Sri Ravishankar