PARENTS AND CHILDREN (22-23): FROM ATTRITION TO CONTRITION (Ephesians 6:4) Ill never forget my first swats in Junior

High. Got them from the most infamous guy in school. He reared back like the paddle was a baseball bat and let go. Knocked me half way across the room. As I went back for number 2, I couldnt help thinking, There must be a better way! There is, and thats what we want to study today. Weve been looking at the Lords instruction in Eph 6:4, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Last week we began to look at spanking as a third means of discipline after natural and imposed consequences. We looked at why we spank and objections to spanking. Today we finish by looking at the benefits and the how. However, before we get into the meat of our study, keep in mind a couple of things. First, parents must earn the right to discipline. They do that by time spent with children, fun experiences, listening in general exhibiting love toward them. Otherwise, you have no right to discipline. Second, remember that discipline must never be in anger. When parents discipline in anger, they not only give a poor representation of the God whose agent they are, but they provoke their children to anger in direct contradiction to the Lords instructions. Finally, spanking is a last resort not to be used often, but when there is defiance, clear rebellion, it may be the last resort. Now, lets look at the benefits the Bible spells out for spanking. 3. Benefits of Spanking a. Drives out Folly First, it drives out folly -- foolishness. Prov 22:15, Folly (which leads astray) is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. What is folly? Let me give you a twofold definition. It is rationalizing wrong behavior leading to living as though God did not matter. Its not a total failure of morality, but it is an increasing ability to rationalize. Where does folly come from? As weve seen, Psalm 14:1 is the starting point: The fool says in his heart, There is no God. [Therefore] They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds. Practicing sin, and justifying it by saying God doesnt matter. And that is in the heart of your child. The same exact pattern is found in Jer 4:22, For my people are foolish; they know me not; they are stupid children; they have no understanding. They are wisein doing evil! But how to do good they
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know not. We are born as moral cripples because we know Him not! In His absence, we trust our own minds. Prov 28:26, Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool. Prov 12:15, The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Folly says, A little lie will get me out of a jam here. That cant be bad. I want that toy and I want it now. It is right in my own eyes, and no advice is going to convince me otherwise. The fool cant tell right from wrong. So what is the solution? Prov 15:5, A fool despises his fathers instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent. Give advice, reproof, instruction. And, if it is heeded, great. Try natural and imposed consequences and if the kids learn right from wrong, great. The problem is that mere reproof does not always work. So now what? We are full circle: Prov 22:15, Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. Spanking brings us face to face with our folly and drives it out. Spanking teaches children that God matters. b. Develops Wisdom Prov 29:15: The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. So we have a dynamic duo here the rod and reproof. Batman and Robin! Not one or the other, but both. Put them together and you have a fighting chance to produce wisdom in your children. What is wisdom? Psa 111:10, The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom! We are confused in our day because all we talk about is the love of God. Beloved, the love of God is precious. It is astounding. It is glorious. It should inhabit our minds constantly. But it is not enough. I heard a florist one time say it is not enough to love roses you have to hate weeds, too. To fully appreciate the love of God, we must understand the fear of the Lord. I found about 100 times in the Bible where it talks about the love of the Lord or love of God or love of Christ or love Him referring to God. About 100 times. I found more than 225 times where it talks about fearing the Lord or God or Him. Beloved, we can never appreciate or even understand the love of God until we first have learned to fear Him in His awesome holiness which means to recognize our accountability. To fear Him is to understand every action has an eternal consequence. Thats unnerving! But thats Rom 6:23, For the wages of sin is death. Spanking vividly illustrates that great spiritual truth. Spanking must be combined with appeal to the heart of a child that just as he or she has
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answered to you for their sin, so they will one day answer to God. Every single sin will be answered for. Every one. Tedd Tripp calls this developing a harvest mentality Gal 6:7, that whatever one sows, that will he also reap. Wisdom is to understand that I will account to God for my life. Wisdom is understanding that I will give account for my life to God for every move I make. c. Delivers Eternal Life Thats dire, but fortunately, spanking does one other thing. It delivers eternal life. Thats the truth of the rest of Romans 6:23, For the wages of sin is death, but but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. God promises that the rod also teaches that truth. Now look again at Prov 23:13-14: Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 14) If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. Thats a wonderful promise to claim. But it has been misunderstood. Most modern translations translate Sheol as saving from early death. That is because Sheol is hard to translate. It is used 66 times in the OT and has the idea of physical death, but beyond that its meaning is vague. Both evil and godly people are said to go to Sheol. In OT times, people thought of death as going to the underworld the grave. So, at the very least the meaning of Prov 23:13-14 is spanking will not cause children to die, but it will save them from death or untimely death. But I think these verses have a much deeper meaning. Seven times soul and Sheol are used in the same verse in the OT. Seven times. Five of those times, astoundingly, resurrection is in view. For example, Psalm 49:15, But God will ransom my soul from the power of Sheol, for he will receive me. This is amazing, because it is in essence an OT recognition that the afterlife of believers would be Gods presence paradise, if you will. David says he (God) will receive me. David expected that at death, God would receive his soul, with resurrection from Sheol (the grave) to follow. Psalm 86:12-13, I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever (note that word). 13) For great is your steadfast love toward me; you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol. For how long did David anticipate glorifying the name of God? FOREVER! And how did he expect that to happen? By Gods great love delivering him from the grave. So certain was he that he spoke of it as already accomplished! This is amazing OT faith.
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Now we come back to Prov 23:13-14, Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 14) If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul (nephesh, what God breathed into Adam, the spirit that animates a person that soul you will save) from Sheol (the grave). Beloved, this isnt just early death. In light of what we have just seen, I think Gods intent here is, Listen, parents dont be squeamish. Not only will spanking not kill your children, it will be their means of life! By means of the rod, you will bring eternal life and resurrection to your child. The King James version had it right when it eloquently translated that by use of the rod parents would deliver his soul from hell. Thats worth a little pain to both you and the child, is it not? 4. How to Spank Okay, hopefully the principle of spanking is clear. Now, lets get very practical. How should it be done? Ten brief guidelines on how. a. Be Consistent

Consistency. Two factors. 1) crystal clear expectations and 2) disciplined follow through. No promises without delivery. Inconsistency provokes anger. Consistency is clear rules, fairly applied, one warning given and then discipline. Tedd Tripp tells how his kids would go through cycles of unruliness. So, Mom and Dad would quit reminding, pleading, and snapping -- returning to basic: speaking once and expecting obedience. Failing obedience, discipline was immediate. Overnight, things would get back on an even keel. But Tripp comments, One day it dawned on us! We produced the cycles. When things went well, we became lax. Eventually, the deterioration in our children's behavior would become painfully obvious. We would respond with renewed courage and effort. Consistency is mandated if your children are to learn that God requires obedience. Be private We all cringe at the public sight of some parent holding a hanging kid by one hand, trying to swat with the other as the child runs to and fro, screaming bloody murder the whole time. Thats not discipline; thats child abuse. Privacy gives a parent time to cool off if necessary. It creates a healthy sense of anticipation in the child which is momentous. And it allows the child to focus on the discipline rather than seeking rescue. It avoids public
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humiliation. Ever have a boss censure you in public in front of everyone? Not much fun, is it? Always seek privacy. Be sure of the offense Get the facts straight? Frustration and anger often lead to assumptions which later proved to be incorrect. God warns in Prov 18:13, If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. That can happen to parents. John MacArthur, one of the finest Bible teachers and preachers in the country recalls, "I will never forget spanking one of my boys strongly for something I was sure he had done. When he kept crying longer than usual, I asked what the matter was. He said, Dad, I didnt do it. I was crushed, and tears came to my own eyes. We owe it to our children as God's agent in their lives to make sure we have the facts straight. God doesnt make mistakes, and neither should we. Impose Accountability This is about our child taking responsibility. Make sure they know why they are being spanked. This provides clarity for future reference. It also clarifies that they are getting spanked for their actions, not because you are mad. The Bible says in Prov 14:3, By the mouth of a fool comes a rod for his back, but the lips of the wise will preserve them. This spanking is because of his or her actions, not yours. The message is, When you chose to do (or say) such and such, you chose this consequence. No one else. Just you. Next time you are tempted ask, is the pleasure worth the consequence and disappointment you will bring? This is usually where I got another dose of Gal 6:7, Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. Great verse for this occasion. God hates this is much as I hate it but this is what you have earned. Place responsibility on the child. You are teaching accountability which is godly. Paddle the bottom only There is probably more than one reason that God gave padded bottoms, but this is certainly one. A child should never be struck anywhere else in anger or frustration. If any mark lasts more than a few minutes, it has been too hard. I firmly believe, for more than one reason that there should be at least one layer of clothing on the child's bottom. The point is to cause pain, but not to injure and so the appropriate protections should be taken.
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Use a Rod, not the hand Theres been a switch here. Most modern experts advise using a bare hand usually suggesting you can better assess how hard you are striking. However, some experts still advise using a stick or a switch or a wooden spoon. I think they have it right for the simple reason that that's what the Bible teaches. Every time it talks about physical discipline, it uses the word "rod." Thats not a hand; its a neutral object. It separates the act of correction from the instrument used. There is symbolic value in the instrument. I can tell you from experience that when kids are spanked with a rod they adopt a healthy respect for the object. It becomes a permanent, but impersonal reminder that consequences await their actions. g. Exhibit firmness with love There must be no wavering once a spanking announced. Only the discovery that the offense has been misinterpreted can stop the process once begun. Promises must be kept. At the same time, it is vitally important that it be with a sense of love and regret. To discipline in anger or with a vengeful attitude is to provoke anger in the child and put the parent in the wrong. We used to come home at lunch time when I was in grade school and watch an episode of the Little Rascals while eating. One day young Spanky got in trouble. His dad, utilizing proper biblical principles, told Spanky to go to Dads office and prepare himself. Spanky took a little license with that instruction. He found a book that about the right size and loaded it into the back of his pants. Thus prepared, he met his father. Of course, he was found out and then his dad issued that most famous of all spanking lines, Son, this is going to hurt me more than it does you. To which Spanky replied, Yea, but not in the same place! Well, Spanky was right. It doesn't hurt in the same place, but giving a child a spanking should hurt the parent every bit as much as the child or the process has gone haywire somewhere along the line. Heb 12:6, For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. This is wonderfully illustrated in Isaiah 16. God is using Assyria to discipline His people. But God remarks in Isaiah 16:9: 9) Therefore I (God) weep with the weeping of Jazer (a city in Moab), for the vine of Sibmah; I drench you with my tears, O Heshbon and Elealeh; for over
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your summer fruit and your harvest the shout has ceased. In other words, there is no harvest. They weep in despair. But God weeps with them even as He imposes the discipline. One commentator notes, "His tears and theirs are mingled as one; he is no onlooker on the worlds sorrows (even though self-inflicted) but a participant, PARTICIPANT-- (even though the suffering is His just visitation). Amazing. God never disciplines with impunity or harshness. Never. What a heart God has. So must we. And as we discipline our children we do so as agents of that great-hearted God. That's the way to discipline. Our kids have hit a stone wall. What they have earned, they will get. But they must sense the sorrow and regret on our part that it is necessary. That's the only way we can rightly represent God. Any other attitude distorts their view of the Almighty. Our message to our children is, Today, I am Gods visible representative, given because He loves you enough to discipline you. He wants you to cherish His holy character. Youve joined the world in giving it a wink and a nod. And so God has given me to you to impose this short-term pain for your long-term gain. Thats our message. I dont hate you nor am I taking revenge. I want this discipline to save you from eternal discipline. I love you that much. Let me tell you an amazing thing. What I remember more about spankings I got was the tears that were often my Dad's eyes. They werent there every time; but the expression of love and sorrow never failed. [As he worked his way through 11 kids, I'm not sure that the younger ones got the benefit in quite the same way I did. You get worn out!] But I can tell you this, I remember my dad's pain a lot more than I remember my own and that's the way it out to be.We can only be God to our kids when we do it in love. h. Induce Remorse This is important. You are better off not to spank than to be too lenient. There are two kinds of repentance. Repentance of attrition and repentance of contrition. Attrition is counterfeit. Many children begin to shriek and holler almost before the paddle is applied to them. This is the repentance of attrition. Those are crocodile tears. They are aimed at making you feel guilty rather than expressing true repentance. You will know your child well enough to know when the cries change from attrition to contrition. Any spanking of value must get to contrition.

My brother, Jon, got his last spanking when he was 13. Not long ago he told me his reaction to it. He had committed an onerous offense. Dad decided it required a spanking. Jon was a tough 13-year-old. He told me that he was determined dad would not "break him." He was defiantly unremorseful. And so he remained at first. In those days they still used paddles in junior high school and most of us were used to getting some pretty healthy swats now and then. But Jon told me that as Dad continued to swat him, and he knew that he was doing it with great sorrow, it suddenly got to him not the pain, but the realization of the significant hurt that he was causing. The repentance that he was so adamantly set against suddenly overcame him and he began to weep in contrition. I tell you that not to encourage spanking 13-year-olds, but to encourage you that properly administered, spanking can and will bring remorse. It has to, or it has missed its mark. Prov 3:11, My son, do not despise the LORDs discipline or be weary of his reproof. We are aiming at the heart. We have failed if we get modified behavior without remorse. Kids differ widely in what it takes to get there, but we must get to contrition or its just abuse. i. Discipline for restoration, not punishment Spanking punishes as a side-effect, yes. But the purpose is restoration. We are not aiming to exact a punishment so that a kid can go do the same thing all over again if he is willing to take the same punishment. Were aiming way higher than that. Our aim is restoration of the heart. Heb 12:11, For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. The aim is a changed heart, a repentant spirit, -- an inside job! Martin Luther said, Spare the rod and spoil the childthat is true. But beside the rod keep an apple to give him when he has done well. Aim at his heart, not just his behavior. Tedd Tripp illustrates by telling how a boy was observed a boy stealing money from the offering plate at their church one day. After finding out, the father brought the boy to Tripps study. The boy fessed up and placed $2 on the desk. Through tears he professed his sorrow and asked forgiveness. Tripp began to speak to him. "Charlie, what a wonderful mercy of God you did not get away with this! God has spared you the hardness of heart that comes when we sin and get by with it. Dont you see how gracious he has been with you?" Charlie nodded. "You know, Charlie," Tripp continued, "this is why Jesus came. Jesus came because
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people like you and your father and me have hearts that want to steal. We would even steal from the offerings that people have given to God. But God had such love for wicked sinful men that He sent His Son to change them from the inside out and make them people who are givers and not takers." At this point, Charlie broke down in sobs and drew another $20 from his pocket. He had begun this brief conversation prepared to go through the motions and give back two of the dollars he had taken. Something happened as he was reminded of the mercy of God to wicked sinners from two men who loved him. Neither knew there was more money. What happened? Charlies conscience was smitten by the gospel! Something struck a chord that resonated within his young, larcenous heart. The gospel hit its mark. Charlie went from repentance of attrition to repentance of contrition. That, Beloved, is the goal of all discipline and all spanking. Its not about punishment or vengeance or even behavior modification. Its about redemption. God bless you as you partner with Him to redeem your children. Lets pray.