non compos mentis

CAD

S C RIC KET ADM LUN IT CH CRI ONE F CKE OR T C LIN THE SOF IC. T B ALL S O N LY .

CADS REPORT
Aug 2011 Issue No: Three http://cads-amsterdam.org/

England beat some team called India

India were thumping their chest as they climbed out of their well deserved ight into the egosphere, and stepped with condence, or overcondence depending upon how we see it, on to the Lords test ground. They arrived as the No.1 test team in the world and World Cup winners. They were the giants of the game. The unbeaten vindaloo victors with the little master Tendulkar on their shoulders.

DONT FORGET The Annual August CADS Cricket Lunch! Friday Aug 26, 2011, 12 noon to 2pm. Cricket Clinic from 12:30 noon to 1:00 Lunch 1:00 to 2pm

During the summer, theres nothing quite like the sweet sound of the willow striking leather. Especially if you understand what Yorkshire fast bowler Fred Trueman meant when he said Cricket is a great leveler. India were Goliath ghting David, only they didnt know how the story would end. In just a few short, shocking weeks, England have become the top-ranked nation in Test cricket after crushing India by an innings and 242 runs in the third Test match at Edgbaston. James Anderson set

England on the victory trail by removing Gautam Gambhir, Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman inside the rst hour in a brilliant spell of swing bowling. England have now secured a 3-0 lead with only one match remaining. Its the rst time England have occupied top spot since the creation of the table back in 2003. Lets see if history repeats itself with the one day Internationals (as in that woeful one-day England performance after we won the Ashes).

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

CRICKET LUNCHDIRECTIONS TO THE GROUND !

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The annual August CADS Cricket Lunch!

If you dont know the dierence between leg before wicket and a googly then youre in for a real treat this month LUNCH AT A CRICKET CLUB. And for those of you t and crazy enough, we will also include a small 1/2 hr cricket clinic. Please arrive at 12 noon. The cricket clinic will be held from 12:30 until 1pm. Lunch from 1pm until 2pm. (See travel guide below).

VRA Cricket Club Travel Directions http://www.vra.nl/vra/pages/map.php

Venue: VRA Cricket Club, Nieuwe Kal%eslaan 21B, 1182 AA Amstelveen Telephone:& +31 (0) 206 418 525

Date: Friday Aug 26, 2011, Time: 12:00 noon to 2pm

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

non compos mentis

GOLDMAN HACHS Page 5

CADS REPORT
Aug 2011 Issue No: Three http://cads-amsterdam.org/

Dear CADs,

PM RETURNS PM returns from FROM Tuscany to TUSCANY TO keep eye on KEEP EYE ON balls-up ofOF BALLS-UP Olympic OLYMPIC proportions. PROPORTIONS.

r the snt all bad fo The outlo ok wa ck in as he ar rived ba Prime Minister ng . ye s te rd ay m or ni Do wn in g St re et the his Italian villa Having forsaken d at ul vi d Cameron co night before, Da zz simply at ho liday bu leas t recapture th his back window. by lo oking out of ed to hat had ha pp en Mam m a m ia ! W old rade? The grand Horse Guard s Pa med had been transfor royal drill square s on the only creature into a beach. And th e y were so m e of parade ye ster da d, their men in the worl fittest yo ung wo the inting squarely in bikini botto ms po ber 10. direction of Num ly, Yo urs In-Sincere B. Allsup

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

CADS REPORTGARDEN HACK ER MAKES 4M!

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E HACKING: TH R PHONEY WA

GARDENING LEAVE: Rebekah Brooks, on three months gardening leave, after which she will pocket 4m so long as she behaves
"NEWS International declines to comment on the nancial arrangements of any individual, is what the ex-publisher of the News of the World steadfastly tells anyone who asks whether it is still paying Rebekah Brooks following her resignation a month ago. CADS, however, is quite happy to comment. Brooks is currently on three months gardening leave, at the end of which she will (providing she keeps her nose clean) receive a payoff of around 4m.

SMURFS OUTRAGED AT BAN ON SHORTING THE EURO

How are we short people going to benefit if we cant spread our false rumours. says UK Smurfs head of short selling. I mean its not as though we actually do or make anything useful. The only way we can profit is by spreading our bare falsities. What is short selling? It is a way to prot from falling prices. Someone sells items bank shares, for example that they dont actually own on the assumption that the price will fall, with the aim of buying them back for less, making a prot. Why are regulators banning it now? Because market swings have been especially wild, partly because of rumours about critical issues. Regulators fear the rumours were started by those who stand to prot short sellers, in other words. So what are naked shorts? Naked means you havent even borrowed the stock you are shorting. Essentially, you're selling something you don't own. Right then, who wants to buy 100 shares in CADS? Only null euro per share.
WARWICK COUNCIL WILDERS' PARTY JOURNALIST SCREEN AGAINST LAW

The anti-Islam party PVV asks journalists for their personal data, including their citizen service number (BSN), when they apply to attend a press conference, news agency GPD reports on Thursday. Asking for someone's BSN number is against the law, the GPD quotes privacy experts as saying. And for a political party to do so is entirely unacceptable. The PVV says they ask for the information at the request of the national terrorism coordinator and the royal and diplomatic security service (DKDB) responsible for the security of Geert Wilders.

Council spends four and a half years zealously pursuing disabled pensioners for overpaid benet despite the fact they dont owe a penny. CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

CADS REPORTALL RISE FOR THE CHAIRMAN!

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CHAIRMANS CORNER
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

We had a very pleasant, well-attended lunch last month, with a short debate on the BBC World Service radio, proposed by yours truly after the fashion of Mark Anthony at Caesars funeral. After a spirited rebuttal by Allan Poot based on the ecological benets of closing the transmitters, the result was pretty much a 50/50 vote on the motion. So there it rests, with no mandate for further action. We were joined by the BBC Awards sponsors GNE, and their President Abel Rasterhoff, who gave us excellent insight on the current affairs disasters resulting from the cucumber genocide earlier in the year. If only the police force of London had been present, they might have better understood what was about to be visited on them! Ilse van den Meijdenberg, the new Chair of the IoD in The Netherlands, was also present, and has offered to tell us a little more of her organisation at a future lunch. This month we have a most timely outing to the Amsterdamsebos to revisit the International Cricket Ground. As you may know, English men and women everywhere can hold their heads high at the moment when cricket is mentioned, having just regained the position of the best cricket team in the world. John Richardson has organized the outing, and we will enjoy a cricket clinic, followed by an excellent pavilion lunch. Next month we have the rst formal lunch of the autumn term, and the CADS golf day. The

golf will be held at Haarlemmermeersche on Friday the 16th September, starting at 1230 for the golf and 1800 for the dinner. Costs are roughly 50 Euros for the golf, and 35 Euros for the dinner with wine. Please let me have your entries by 5th September, together with your handicap if you are golng. Recently we have had dreadful events on the streets of London and Manchester, with looting and violence by some young gang members and the criminals who incite them. Lost amid the media storm was a report from Income Data Services, that directors in Britain's top 100 companies have accumulated nal salary retirement pots worth 2.8m each on average, widening the gap between pensions awarded to boardroom executives and the shop oor. Whilst over 75% of nal salary schemes have closed to new workers over the past 10 years, only 3% of the directors schemes have closed in the same period. And some company directors have awarded themselves pension pot contributions of up to 29 times salary over the past year! All well and good if the company belonged to them, but when they rob other stakeholders to enrich themselves, it is as much a crime as looting the local store. And these are the top 100 companies all of them publicly quoted. Is it any wonder that the public is revolting Best wishes, Mike

A firm on Wall Street is scam ming the market?

by OLD MAN HACHS Circulating on the Internet is the program developers version of the story. This large Wall Street institution has for the past 10 years been tapping into the SEC servers, buying all the shares available for sale on the NYSE, and then selling them on to buyers who are offering to buy, at a rounded up price. The process happens in microseconds, and the Gold and Sex intervention remains secret from both buyer and the seller, since their servers are co-located with those of the NYSE 30 miles out of town, and the extra transactions are completed before the screens downtown can react. Gold and Sex reaps ~1% of the NYSE turnover from this little fraud. Since the turnover is ~175bn USD per day, the prot for Gold and Sex is over 40bn USD every year! Several federal inquiries have been started, but so far no one has had the political clout to overcome the hordes of senators and representatives paid off with Gold and Sex.

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.