MONTY PYTHONS NEW FILM

Written by:

Graham Chapman John Cleese Terry Gilliam Eric Idle Terry Jones Michael Palin

Final Draft Barbados January 1978 (c) copyright all rights reserved

EXT.

HILLSIDE

EARLY EVENING

A hillside above Bethlehem. THREE SHEPHERDS (with fairly big noses) are sitting watching over their flocks. The atmosphere is quiet and tranquil. The SHEPHERDS are called MORRIS, SIMON who is called SIMON and ANTHONY. MORRIS (after a moments pause) I love sheep. SIMON Yes so do I terrific terrific animals. MORRIS No trouble. SIMON No no trouble. ANTHONY Except at shearing they play up a bit then MORRIS Oh yes but I like that I like that little sort of burst of frenzy they have then. I like the way they get a little bit angry you know shows theyre human.

ANTHONY Oh yes. I wasnt saying I dislike them at shearing but they can be quite a handful cant they? MORRIS So would you be if you had a great pair of scissors snipping away while someone held your back legs youd wriggle a bit youd kick up a bit of a fuss ANTHONY Oh yes; dont get me wrong, Morris, Im not saying that they should always just stand there and nibble the grass and look pretty. Im not just saying that SIMON They are pretty though arent they. (he gazes dreamily at the flock) ANTHONY Oh yes theyre pretty, theyre undeniably pretty, but I do take Morriss point, which is very valid, that they are more than just appurtenances. They have passions like anyone else like at shearing, when they can be a little skittish, thats all. SIMON hasnt really been listening. SIMON I mean, look at that one over there against the sky the white of the coat the black of its little face against the grey of the clouds beyond MORRIS Oh yeah terrific. Terrific animals. They pause, musing. SIMON (dreamily) and the little lambs in springtime MORRIS Oh now youre talking the

lambs eh Oh theyre lovely. I just love them. SIMON So do I Morris, I love them more than anything. Little white furry bundles MORRIS I think of all Gods creatures. sheep have the best offspring. SIMON Oh yes theyre terrific As they pause, musing, we see on a hillside behind them, a glow which during this next dialogue appears to get brighter. The glow settles on the hillside. As it appears it is accompanied by softly inspirational choirs and ethereal music. We stay on the SHEPHERDS who remain happily oblivious. ANTHONY Theyre so sure-footed. MORRIS And quick-witted ANTHONY Are they quick-witted? MORRIS Oh yes yes theyre quite quick-witted. SIMON (dreamily) And always cheerful ANTHONY (with a little laugh) Except at shearing The glow has settled, the choirs and music soar.in the background and then it disappears. MORRIS Why are you always on about shearing? ANTHONY Im not always on about it. MORRIS (really brought down) Youre a great deflator you are you always choose the one time when these smashing animals get a little

worked up ANTHONY Morris I love them Id do anything for those sheep. MORRIS Of all the times in their little lives you have to put your finger unerringly on the one moment when they lose a little bit of dignity well I find that cheap quite honestly. SIMON Look! One of thems looking up! He knows were taking about him. A star appears behind them. It moves fairly rapidly across the sky. ANTHONY Morris, dont get me wrong. I actually like their behaviour at shearing. I like them when they get a little bit cross I find it endearing. SIMON Oh, I know what you mean their little chins go all wrinkled, and their eyes go all sort of crosslooking Get off me with those big scissors! theyre saying ANTHONY Yes, and they can give the shearers a right old kick with their back legs if they want to MORRIS Oh yes, they can look after themselves, thats the fantastic thing theyre beautiful to look at friendly well-disposed and yet, tough as nails. THREE WISE on CAMELS appear in the background, following the star. ANTHONY And sure-footed MORRIS Yes and sure-footed. SIMON No terrific animals sheep

Terrific. Fig ..? The THREE WISE MEN slowly cross the screen. A pause for reflection. SIMON I cant think of anything Id rather do than watch sheep, you know The beauty of the night is all around. ANTHONY The only other animals I would be remotely interested in watching would be cats MORRIS They dont have flocks of cats. ANTHONY No Im not saying they do Morris. MORRIS You couldnt watch flocks of cats! Theyd be all over the place scratching and biting. ANTHONY No Im just saying Morris, that purely as animals I like watching them MORRIS Can you imagine a herd of cats all SIMON Ssh! (hes up and listening) I heard something moving out there. They turn and look behind them for the first time. The THREE WISE MEN have gone. MORRIS Wolves? SIMON Could be MORRIS (reaching in his bag for a stone) Where? SIMON

Out there (points) MORRIS Right! Take that you bugger! He flings a stone hard in to the darkness. There is an indignant and unmistakably human shout of pain. VOICE OVER Aaaaarggghhhh! SIMON Thats not a wolf. VOICE OVER Oh no! Oh Ow! Ow! OOOOOhhhh! MORRIS, SIMON and ANTHONY stand poised. TWO SHEPHERDS runs out of the darkness towards them. One looks breathless and excited, the other clutches his nose in agony. SHEPHERD 1 What did you do that for? MORRIS Sorry, I thought he was a wolf SHEPHERD 1 You hit him right in the face MORRIS Well you shouldnt come snooping up like that SHEPHERD 1 Well, wait till youve heard what weve seen an incredible things happened. SHEPHERD 2 (clutching his nose in pain) Dont tell him! SHEPHERD 1 You wouldnt believe it. We were just there on the hillside and this He points into the darkness towards the hillside where the light appeared. SHEPHERD 2 Dont tell them! Theyve broken my bloody nose!

SHEPHERD 1 Cant we just tell them about the amaz SHEPHERD 2 No! SHEPHERD 1 But they said we should tell everybody SHEPHERD 2 Not people who break your nose come on! They dash off. ANTHONY Where are you going? SHEPHERD 1 Bethle SHEPHERD 2 Nowhere! Good night MORRIS shouts after their retreating figures. MORRIS Thats right leave your sheep leave em to the wolves! call yourselves shepherds! youre a disgrace to the profession SIMON What a rotten thing to do leave those little helpless furry bundles alone on the hillside MORRIS So they can go down to Bethlehem and get drunk ANTHONY Is it A.D. yet? MORRIS (looks in the sky) A couple of hours. 2 EXT. BETHLEHEM NIGHT

CUT OR MIX to the outskirts to Bethlehem. The THREE WISE MEN, following the star, canter towards the town. As they pass, we just catch sight of TWO SHEPHERDS in the background, running towards the town. One of them is clutching his nose.

EXT.

BETHLEHEM

NIGHT

The WISE MEN enter Bethlehem; and make their way through the streets. The town is very full; people sleeping outside. A few lights, even this late. The WISE MEN look up again; they mystically arrive at the stable. (Either that, or a plumb line from the star is banging against the stable roof.) They enter the stable. (Or, could a shaft of the light shine, suddenly, directly on the roof of the stable?) (Think about it) 4 INT. STABLE NIGHT

Inside the stable. A fairly typical manger scene, except there is no father in evidence. THREE MEN approach the manager, [sic] past animals. (No ocelots. This bit is serious please.) They approach the mother. She is a ratbag. She wakes from a lightish doze, sees them, shrieks and falls backwards off her bale of straw. Shes up again in a flash looking guardedly at them. MANDY Who are you? 1ST WISE MAN We are three wise men. MANDY What_ 2ND WISE MAN We are three wise men. MANDY Well what are you doing creeping round a cowshed at two oclock eh? That doesnt sound very wise to me. 3RD WISE MEN We are astrologers. We have come from the East. MANDY Is this some kind of joke? 1ST WISE MAN We wish to praise the infant. MANDY Come on, whats your game? 2ND WISE MAN We must pay homage to him. MANDY Homage!! Youre all drunk you are. Out, out. Its disgraceful.

3RD WISE MAN No, no. MANDY Two oclock in the morning bursting in here with some tale about Oriental fortune tellers get out. 1ST WISE MAN No. No we must see him. MANDY Go and praise someone elses brat. 2ND WISE MAN We were led by a star. MANDY Led by a bottle, more like. Get out! 2ND WISE MAN We must see him. We have presents. MANDY Out. 1ST WISE MAN Gold, frankincense, myrrh. MANDY changes direction, smooth as silk. MANDY Well, why didnt you say? Hes over here Sorry this place is a bit of a mess. There he is. The WISE MEN are on their knees. 2ND WISE MAN By what name are you calling him? DRAMATIC SHOT. MANDY Brian. WISE MEN We worship you, Oh Brian who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian and to the Lord our Father. Amen. MANDY Do you do a lot of this, then?

1ST WISE MAN What? MANDY This praising. 1ST WISE MAN No, no, no. MANDY Oh! Well, if youre passing by again do drop in. They take the hint and rise. And thank you for the gold, its lovely and so is the frankincense but dont worry too much about the myrrh next time. Bye. (to Brian) Well werent they nice out of their bloody minds, but still (she settles) Look at that! WIDE SHOT then WISE MEN come back in and confer in corner of screen. Then they come forward and talk to MANDY. She gives them the presents back and receives the gift of cash. The WISE MEN withdraw and we go with them as they walk towards the entrance (or exit). They turn and we see an identical Manger Scene in the other corner of the barn. MARY and JOSEPH and JESUS with haloes. Music builds as we have ethereal effect. WE PAN BACK onto MANDY and her brat. It howls. (MANDY pokes it with a long pole) TITLE: MONTY PYTHONS LIFE OF BRIAN 5 6 ANIMATED TITLES SEQUENCE! EXT. MOUNT DAY END OF TITLES CUT TO

BIG CLOSE-UP of JESUS. JESUS Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven CAMERA starts immediately to PULL BACK and back revealing the full figure of CHRIST on the Mount. We keep PULLING BACK and back (this is a helicopter shot) above the heads of the Crowd. The voice gets fainter and fainter as the helicopter rises up and starts to reveal the enormous size of the Crowd.

CAPTION: JUDEA A.D. 33 2ND CAPTION: SATURDAY AFTERNOON By this time the CAMERA has revealed the full extent of the crowd, and begins to come down lower behind the back of it. KIDS are running around. Some people have bought picnics. At the rear of this large crowd, standing isolated from them, is a large contingent of Roman Soldiers drawn up in serried ranks, armed, impassive. Foreign soldiers on extra weekend duty, keeping an eye on a very large and potentially antiRoman crowd. JESUSs voice is barely audible on the wind. We reach the back of the crowd. People are straining to hear. One couple canoodling in the back row. We finally pick out MANDY and BRIAN. MANDY is looking restless. MANDY Speak up! BRIAN Mum! Sh! MANDY I cant hear a thing! Lets go to the stoning, Brian. BIG NOSE Sh! MANDY Brian! BIG NOSE Will you be quiet? WIFE Dont pick your nose. BIG NOSE I wasnt picking my nose I was scratching. WIFE You were picking it while you were talking to that lady. BIG NOSE I wasnt. WIFE Leave it alone give it a rest MR CHEEKY (turning round) Do you mind were trying to hear

what hes saying. WIFE Dont do you mind me Im talking to my husband. MR CHEEKY Well go and talk to him somewhere else! I cant hear a bloody thing! BIG NOSE Dont you swear at my wife. MR CHEEKY I asked her to shut up, thats all so we can all hear, big nose. WIFE Dont you call my husband big nose. MR CHEEKY Well he has got a big nose. Suddenly another rather well-heeled Jew in a toga turns round. He constantly has trouble with his toga and had to keep pushing it back in place. His voice is very cultured. His name is GREGORY and he is out for the day with his wife. GREGORY Could you be quiet, please? (to Mr Cheeky) What was that? MR CHEEKY I dont know I was too busy talking to big nose. ANOTHER PERSON FROM FURTHER FORWARD I think it was Blessed are the Greek GREGORY The Greek? APFFF Apparently hes going to inherit the earth. GREGORY Did anyone catch his name? MR CHEEKY (to Big Nose) See if you hadnt been going on, youd have heard that, Big Nose.

BIG NOSE If you say that once more, Ill punch your fucking face in. MR CHEEKY Better keep listening might be a bit about Blessed are the big noses. BRIAN Oh lay off him. MR CHEEKY (rounding on Brian) Youre not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose Club? BRIANs hand goes to his nose and he retreats. BIG NOSE Listen! I said one more time and Ill take you to the fucking cleaners. WIFE Language! And dont pick your nose! BIG NOSE I wasnt going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him. ANOTHER PERSON (SHOUTING BACK) Blessed are the cheesemakers! OTHERS The what? ANOTHER PERSON The cheesemakers. WIFE Youre not going to thump anybody. MRS GREGORY Whats so special about the cheesemakers? GREGORY Well obviously its not meant to be taken literally. It means any manufacturers of dairy produce. BIG NOSE Ill thump him if he calls me Big Nose again.

MR CHEEKY Oh shut up, Big Nose. BIG NOSE Oooh! I warned you I really will slug you so hard WIFE Oh thats nice Blessed are the pure in heart. MR CHEEKY Listen Im only telling the truth you have got a very big nose. MAN (trying desperately to control his anger) Ooh oooh ooo oaaaaarghh Your nose is going to be twelve times as big as this when Ive finished with you. MAN IN FRONT Who hit yours then? Goliaths big brother? MAN Ooooh oohh aargh ah (supreme self-control) One more tiny word and I will bloody well kill you. GREGORY Oh do pipe d BIG NOSE lets fly an almighty punch and hits GREGORY hard in the face. Horrible crunching of fist on bone. A general scuffle breaks out. MANDY Brian! Im going. BRIAN Alright. MANDY starts to move off, BRIAN reluctantly follows. ROMAN SOLDIERS start to move in. At this point we see that BRIAN has not really been listening to the sermon but has had his eye on a rather attractive girl who is part of a group of four intense young men whose dress sets them apart from the rest. They are starting to leave as well. As BRIAN follows his mother, he edges round the group gazing

at the girl. We catch the following conversation. FRANCIS Well, Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interested [sic] in the status quo, as far as I can make out. REG What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it is the Meek who are the problem. JUDITH (the girl he has been admiring) Yes yes I see JUDITH catches sight of BRIAN gazing at her, and BRIAN hastily drops his eyes, at the same moment, MANDY turns and catches sight of him. MANDY Brian? BRIAN hurries off, briefly, involuntarily fingering his nose. 7 EXT. STONE SALESMANS PLACE DAY

CUT to a mountain path, up which a woman is carrying a donkey. MANDY and BRIAN appear from round the corner. MANDY is wearing a beard and hurrying. MANDY Sex! Sex! Sex! Thats all you young people think about nowadays! BRIAN No its not, Mum. MANDY Its time you stopped thinking about whats between your legs and got yourself a decent job. BRIAN (whos heard it all before) Yes, Mum. BEARD SALESMAN (to woman with donkey) Pssst! Beard, Madam? DONKEY WOMAN I havent got time to go to stonings

(referring to donkey) Hes not well again. The SALESMAN turns to BRIAN and MANDY. SALESMAN (to Mandy) Want a few stones, sir? MANDY No thank you well buy them up there. SALESMAN (running alongside) Not like these, sir (showing one) Look at that thats craftsmanship. MANDY stops and appraises the stone. Weighs one up professionally. MANDY Alright, Ill take two with points and a big flat one. BRIAN Can I have a flat one, Mum? MANDY Ssh! BRIAN Oh sorry Uncle. MANDY (adopting a lower register) All right, two points, two flats, and a packet of gravel. 8 EXT. STONING PLACE DAY

CUT TO the Stoning Place. An OFFICIAL stands there, with some helpers, confronting the potential stonee,. MATTHIAS. A large crowd watches. 90% are women in beards. Around the perimeter are a few Roman troops. JEWISH OFFICIAL Matthias son of Deuteronomy of Gath MATTHIAS (to Officials Helper) Do I say Yes?

OFFICIALS HELPER Yes. MATTHIAS Yes. OFFICIAL You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord and as a blasphemer you are to be stoned. BRIAN and JUDITH have slipped into place amongst the crowd. BRIAN sees MANDY. BRIAN Hello Mum. MANDY (whispering) Hello Brian. MATTHIAS Look, Id had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah and she turned me in. OFFICIAL Blasphemy! Hes said it again. WOMEN Yes, he did. OFFICIAL Did you hear him? WOMEN Yes we did. OFFICIAL Are there any women here? The WOMEN all shake their heads. The OFFICIAL faces MATTHIAS again. Now, Matthias, by virtue of the authority One of the WOMEN throws a stone and it hits MATTHIAS on the knee. MATTHIAS Ow. Lay off. We havent started yet. OFFICIAL

(turning round) Come on, who threw that? Silence. Come on, who threw that stone? Some of the WOMEN point to the culprit. WOMEN She did. He did. He. Him. During this they keep their voices as low as they can, in pitch but not in volume. CULPRIT (very deep voice) Sorry, I thought wed started. OFFICIAL Hum. Go to the back. CULPRIT (disappointed) Oh. (goes to back) OFFICIAL (facing Matthias) Now, where were we? MATTHIAS Look. I dont think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying Jehovah! SENSATION!!!!! The WOMEN gasp. WOMEN (high voices) He said it again. (low voices) He said it again. OFFICIAL (to Matthias) Youre only making it worse for yourself. MATTHIAS Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah. GREATER SENSATION!!!!!

OFFICIAL Im warning you. If you say Jehovah (he gasps at his error and claps his hand over his mouth) A stone hits him on the side of the head. He reacts. Right! Who was that? WOMEN (high voices) It was her. It was him. (low voices) It was him. OFFICIAL Was it you? A Er. Yes. OFFICIAL All right. A But you said Jehovah. WOMAN all shriek and point at accused. Two of them throw stones at her from very close range. She falls to the ground stunned. QUICK CUT of ROMANS reacting. They shake their heads and mutter to each other. OFFICIAL Stop that. Stop that immediately! No-one is to stone anyone until I say so. Even and I want to make this absolutely clear and even if they do say Jehovah. There is a pause. Then all the WOMEN throw stones at the OFFICIAL and he goes down in a heap. MATTHIAS Ha, ha, ha. Thatll learn you. FIVE WOMEN carry a huge rock, run up and drop it on the OFFICIAL. EVERYONE claps. Then they start peeping under the rock. OFFICIAL 2 Youve killed him. The WOMEN take a pace back guiltily.

Youve killed him! This is murder. WOMAN Well he did say Jehovah. Pause. She runs. The OTHER WOMEN run to the various STONE SALESMEN and then off after her; leaving MANDY, BRIAN and ONE or TWO OTHER BEARDED LADIES behind, who turn to walk home. MATTHIAS comes into view and disappears into the opposite direction. The OFFICIALS are kneeling round the STONED OFFICIAL. MANDY touches OFFICAL 2 on the shoulder. MANDY Very good this afternoon. OFFICIAL 2 What? MANDY Really good. Excellent. Thank you very much. (she walks on talking to Brian) Never knew which way it was going to go. 9 EXT. STREET DAY

BRIAN Have I got a big nose, Mum? MANDY Stop thinking about SEX! BRIAN I wasnt. MANDY Youre always on about it! Morning noon and night! Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? BRIAN I was just wondering if you thought my nose MANDY Get your filthy little mind off it! Youre 30 years old, you should have grown out of all that! BRIAN Im just getting interested in it Mum. MANDY

Its time you got interested in a job! An EX-LEPER appears as they pass through the city gate. EX-LEPER (to Mandy) Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir. MANDY (to Leper) Buzz off! (turning back to Brian) When I was your age, I didnt go round trying to peer into gentlemens underwear all day! The EX-LEPER has come round to BRIANs side. EX-LEPER (to BRIAN) Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir. MANDY (to Leper) A talent! Thats more than he earns in a month! EX-LEPER Half a talent, then. MANDY Go away! EX-LEPER Come on big nose lets haggle. BRIAN (stopping sharply) What? EX-LEPER Right. Well cut the haggling. Say you started at one shekel and I opened at two thousand, wed have met at about eighteen hundred. BRIAN (walking on briskly) No. EX-LEPER Seventeen-fifty? MANDY Go away.

EX-LEPER Seventeen-forty. MANDY Will you leave alone? EX-LEPER Call it two. Two shekels, eh? Isnt this fun? MANDY (stopping and wagging a threatening finger at the Ex-Leper) Now, piss off! Hes not giving you any money. EX-LEPER (retreats momentarily, then makes one last attempt on Brian) My final offer. One shekel for an old ex-leper, sir. God bless you. BRIAN Did you say ex-leper? EX-LEPER Yes sir. (he salutes) I was a leper, sir sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, thank you sir. BRIAN What happened? EX-LEPER I was cured, sir. BRIAN Cured? EX-LEPER It was a bloody miracle, sir. Thank you. BRIAN Who cured you? EX-LEPER Jesus did. I was hopping along, minding my own business, when all of a sudden up he comes, the bastard cures me. One minute Im a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihoods gone. Not so much

as a by your leave. (gesture in the manner of a conjuror) Youre cured mate, sod you. MANDY Go away. EX-LEPER Look. Im not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living well, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in peoples faces demanding compassion. Its a bloody disaster. MANDY You could go and get yourself a job. EX-LEPER Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations. Im not about to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts fucking about. (makes gesture again) Just like that. Youre cured. Bloody do-gooder! BRIAN Well why dont you go and tell him you want to be a leper again? LEPER Yeah, well, I could do that sir, yes. Yes, thats true, I was thinking, though, it might be better if I asked him if he could you know, just make me a bit lame in one leg during the week, you know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be quite blunt, sir, excuse my French but They have reached BRIAN and MANDYs house. MANDY goes in. BRIAN gives the beggar a coin. Thank you, Big Nose, youre a real Jew. MANDY (who is up the steps to the house) Brian come and clean your room. BRIAN turns and goes indoors. 10 INT. MANDYS HOUSE DAY

MANDY is hanging up her beard on a beard rack on which there is a small selection of various coloured beards. The room is austere. Sparsely furnished. On the only chair a large, thick-set CENTURION is seated rather uncomfortably. He looks slightly ill-at-ease. The CENTURIAN [sic] half rises as MANDY enters. CENTURION Good evening. MANDY Oh hello, Officer BRIAN (whispering to Mandy) Whats he doing here? MANDY Now dont start that! Go up and do your room. BRIAN Bloody Romans! MANDY (still whispering) If it wasnt for them She gestures as the CENTURION, who starts polishing his uniform with great application. We wouldnt have all this. (she nods at empty room) BRIAN Oh Mother, we dont owe the Romans anything. MANDY Well thats not entirely true, Brian. BRIAN What do you mean? MANDY looks towards the ROMAN, who is still fiddling with his gear and trying to make himself inconspicuous. She turns back to BRIAN and takes him on one side. MANDY (sotto voce) Brian you know you were asking me about your er BRIAN

My nose? MANDY Yes well theres a reason why its like it is SHOT of BRIAN transfixed. I know I should have told you long ago, but I waited until now for the sake of the story Pause. BRIAN on tenter-hooks. Brian your father isnt Mr Cohen. Dramatic pause. BRIAN I never thought he was. MANDY None of your cheek! He was a soldier, Brian in the Roman army. Dramatic chord. BRIAN looks stunned. His hand involuntarily goes to his nose. BRIAN You mean you were raped? MANDY At first yes BRIAN Who was it? MANDY Nortius Maximus his name was promised me the known world he did I was going to be taken to Rome House by the Forum slaves asses milk as much gold as I could eat then he, having his way with me had, voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct. BRIAN The bastard. MANDY I went down the barracks a couple of months later Could I have a word with Nortius Maximus? I said. Nortius Maximus? they said youve been had, Missus youve been had.

BRIAN Typical MANDY (quickly) So next time you go on about the bloody Romans, Brian, remember youre one of them. BRIAN Im not a Roman, Mum and I never will be! Im a kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! Im Kosher, Mum. Im a Red Sea Pedestrian and proud of it! BRIAN storms out and slams the door. MANDY looks long-sufferingly over at the CENTURION. The ROMAN shrugs apologetically. 11 EXT. AMPHITHEATRE DAY

C.U. of TRUMPET. FANFARE. CUT TO WIDE-SHOT of amphitheatre from the ring. A fight has just ended and a couple of old ladies are busy cleaning up putting limbs into their baskets. Occasionally one finds a hand with a ring or two on it, which she stuffs into her robe. CUT TO HIGH SHOT of the amphitheatre. Not many customers. BRIAN comes into shot. CLOSE TO CAMERA. He has a tray round his neck and is selling tit-bits. BRIAN Larks tongues Wrens livers Chaffinch brains As hes looking around to sell his wares he suddenly catches sight of JUDITH on the other side of the amphitheatre. She is with the other revolutionaries and is earnestly talking to them. BRIAN focuses on her and then starts making his way round to her. BRIAN (with spirit) Jaguars earlobes! A customer signals to him and he has to go over to him rather reluctantly, but all the time he keeps his eye on JUDITH. CUT TO THE revolutionaries (REG, FRANCIS, STAN, JUDITH) Behind them are ROMANS, even soldiers up at the top of the auditorium. They speak conspiratorially. JUDITH I do feel, Reg, that any AntiImperialist group like ours

must reflect such a divergence of opinion within its power-base. REG Agreed. General nodding. Francis? FRANCIS I think Judiths point is valid here, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the unalienable right of every man STAN And woman. FRANCIS And woman to rid himself STAN Or herself. REG Or herself. Agreed. Thank you brother. STAN Or sister. FRANCIS Or sister. Thank you, brother Where was I? REG I thought youd finished. FRANCIS Oh did I? Right, furthermore, it is the birthright of every man STAN Or woman. REG Why dont you shut up about women, Stan, youre putting me off. STAN Women have a right to play a part in our movement. Women are FRANCIS Why are you always on about women,

Stan? STAN I want to be one. REG What? STAN I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to call me Loretta. REG What!? STAN Its my right as a man. JUDITH Why do you want to be Loretta Stan? STAN I want to have babies. REG You want to have babies??????!!! STAN Its every mans right to have babies if he wants them. REG But you cant have babies. STAN Dont you oppress me. REG Im not oppressing you Stan, but you havent got a womb. Wheres the foetus going to gestate? Are you going to keep it in a box? STAN starts crying. JUDITH Here! Ive got an idea. Suppose you agree that he cant actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobodys fault, not even the Romans STAN What? JUDITH But that he can have the right to

have babies. FRANCIS Good idea. (putting his arm around Stan) We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brothers. Sister, sorry. REG Whats the point? FRANCIS What? REG Whats the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he cant have babies? FRANCIS It is symbolic of his struggle against oppression. REG Its symbolic of his struggle against reality. By this time BRIAN has worked his way around to a point near the group. BRIAN Larks tongues Otters noses Ocelot spleens. REG looks up and calls to BRIAN REG You got any nuts? BRIAN I havent got any nuts, sorry. Ive got wrens livers, badgers spleens. REG No, no, no. BRIAN Otters noses. REG No. I dont want any of that Roman rubbish. JUDITH

Why dont you sell proper food? BRIAN (at last shes spoken to him. He blushes involuntarily) Proper food? REG Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit-bits. BRIAN Dont blame me I didnt ask to sell them. REG Alright bag of otters noses, then. A fanfare. They turn and look down into the ring. A SAMARITAN is pushed out into the arena. There is a small spattering of applause from the sparse crowd the atmosphere resembles the second day of a mid-week match between Northamptonshire and the minor counties at Kettering. The SAMARITAN is pushed out into the arena. The Crowd roars. The SAMARITAN disappears. He re-appears being pushed into the arena, and the door behind him is slammed closed. The GLADIATOR advances on him. The SAMARITAN starts undressing. The GLADIATOR pauses, puzzled, and then approaches again. By now the SAMARITAN is down to his Y-fronts. He takes one look at the GLADIATOR and sets off at full speed round the perimeter of the arena. The GLADIATOR lumbers after him. After a few seconds it becomes apparent that the SAMARITAN is going to take a lot of catching. The Crowd is disgruntled and a ragged chant starts What a load of rubbish. Some slow handclapping. REG passes the bag of Otters noses around with a grimace. They all look at the noses with ideological disapproval, but help themselves nevertheless. REG (chewing on a nose) Bloody elitist catering. STAN Yes, typical imperialist aggressor grub. BRIAN (reluctant to move away. he turns to Judith) Are you the Judean Peoples Front?

REG hears this and leans across. REG Fuck off! BRIAN what? REG (incredulously) Judean Peoples Front!??? Were the Peoples Front of Judea. BRIAN looks blank. REG (scornfully to the others) Fucking Judean Peoples Front! Huh! Scornful laughter. FRANCIS Fucking wankers. REG (to Brian, fiercely) The Peoples Front fucking gets things done! BRIAN Oh! REG Were not a load of fucking splitters! ALL Splitters!! Fucking splitters!! REG Huh! Judean fucking Peoples Front. BRIAN Which are you again? REG Were the Peoples Front of fucking Judea. A shout from a middle-aged woman (a tourist from Capernaum) who is sitting there with her husband, who is fast asleep. (He looks like Raymond if thats any help) WOMAN Go on! Fight!

SAMARITAN stops running and addresses them. SAMARITAN Whore you talking to? WOMAN Im talking to you. Go on, fight him. SAMARITAN Have you seen him? WOMAN We came here to watch a good fight. SAMARITAN Thats your problem. WOMAN Oh come on. SAMARITAN You wanna good fight You fight him. I should die so young. As the GLADIATOR is almost on top of him he sprints off rapidly opening up a huge distance between himself and his pursuer. The Crowd grow increasingly restive and one or two fights break out. BRIAN is still trying to engage JUDITH in conversation. BRIAN (tentatively to Judith) Can I join your group? REG (cutting in) No. Piss off. BRIAN (referring to tray) I dont want to sell this stuff you know its only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody ALL Sh! The revolutionaries all look around anxiously to make sure no one has heard. JUDITH (with surprise) Are you Jewish?

BRIAN (trying to sound convincing) Yes of course absolutely My life am I Jewish. (no accent) JUDITH Are you sure? BRIAN Oh dead sure I hate the Romans REG (leaning impressively across to Brian) Listen if you wanted to join the P.F.J. youd have to really hate the Romans. BRIAN Oh I do! REG (after meaningfully leaning forward) How much? BRIAN a lot. REG Right youre in. FRANCIS We hate them so much, we get severe stomach upsets. MATTHIAS I hate them so sincerely my legs ache and I have to go and lie down. STAN I hate them so much I almost forget Im a women sometimes. REG See? The only people we hate more (remembers hes talking too loud. He drops his voice) than the Romans are the fucking Judean Peoples Front. ALL Splitters! Bastards! Cunts!

FRANCIS And the Judean Popular Peoples Front. ALL Yeah, splitters! STAN And the Peoples Front of Judea. ALL Yeah. REG What? STAN The Peoples Front of Judea! Splitters! REG Were the Peoples Front of Judea. STAN Are we!?? I thought we were the Popular Front. REG Peoples Front cunt! The Popular Front split from the Peoples Front when they became unpopular with the people who split from the Peoples Popular Front. ALL Splitters! Splitters! Bastards wankers. Shout from a Middle-aged Woman behind him. WOMAN Hes got him! The Revolutionaries all turn towards the ring. She gives her slumbering hubby a sharp jab. He wakes. CUT TO CLOSE-UP of GLADIATOR in the ring having a heart attack. The SAMARITAN seizes his chance, picks up the GLADIATORs sword and runs him through. There are a few cheers at this from the Jews present. The ROMANS in the audience look at each other in disgust. ROMAN SPECTATOR Pathetic ANOTHER Terrible.

ANOTHER Appalling. CUT BACK to the ring. The SAMARITAN is responding to the cheers by leaping around like a winning goal-scorer. CUT BACK to the Revolutionaries. They are all applauding rather loudly to irritate the Roman. JUDITH joins in. The Revolutionaries start to rise as if leaving. REG turns to BRIAN. REG Whats your name? BRIAN Brian er Brian Cohen. REG Can you write? BRIAN Er yes REG We may have a little job for you, Brian. BRIAN beams and looks at JUDITH. She smiles coolly. 12. EXT. PILATES PALACE NIGHT

CUT TO darkened streets. Figures flit from shadow to shadow. SHOT of PILATES palace. FIGURES draw back into the shadows. Then re-emerge. They head off in the direction of the palace. CUT TO a CLOSER VIEW of the palace wall (Monastir) ROMAN GUARDS in evidence. The FIGURES gather at the edge of the shadows. We distinguish REG, JUDITH, FRANCIS and STAN. REG nods towards the wall. BRIAN looks and bites his lips. BRIANS P.O.V. of the wall and GUARDS passing. REG hands a pot of paint and paint brush to BRIAN. Then pushes him out into the street. BRIAN stands there uncertainly for a moment. REG and the others give him the clenched fist salute. STAN gets it wrong. REG automatically adjusts his salute. BRIAN replies awkwardly with a salute and looks at the wall again. He looks round for final reassurance from them but they have gone. He can just see their figures disappearing in the distance. BRIAN makes for the wall.

When he reaches the wall he starts writing on it in pathetically small letters. We SEE it reads Romanes Eunt Domus. As he finishes writing a CENTURION comes round the corner and catches him at it. A couple of SOLDIERS are with him but stay in the background throughout the scene. ROMAN Whats this then! Romanes Eunt Domus People called Romanes, they went, House in the nominative. BRIAN (defiantly) It say Romans go home. ROMAN No it doesnt. Whats Latin for Roman? (slaps him) Come on come on BRIAN Romanus! ROMAN Goes like? BRIAN Er annus. ROMAN Vocative plural of annus is is (tweaking hair) BRIAN Anni. ROMAN Romani (crossing out Es and substituting I, flaps [sic] Brian) Now whats this eunt? BRIAN Go (he is shaken) Er ROMAN Conjugate the verb to go. BRIAN Ire eo is it imus, it is eunt

ROMAN So eunt is BRIAN Third person plural present indicative. They go. ROMAN And you are ordering so you must use BRIAN The imperative!! ROMAN Which is is BRIAN Aah i ROMAN How many Romans? BRIAN Plural! Plural! Ite!! Ite!! ROMAN Ite (changes it) Domus what is domus? BRIAN Er ROMAN Romans go home. This is motion toward, isnt it boy? BRIAN Dative, sir. ROMAN Dative (draws sword) BRIAN No, not dative ROMAN What? BRIAN Er accusative er domus, domum domum ad domum sir.

ROMAN Except that domus takes the ? (sword to throat) BRIAN Oh the locative the locative sir! ROMAN Which is BRIAN Domum? ROMAN So we have Romani, ite domum. Do you understand? BRIAN Yes sir. ROMAN Now write it out a hundred times. BRIAN Yes sir. ROMAN And if it isnt done by sunset, Ill cut your balls off. BRIAN Yes sir. Thank you, sir. ROMAN Hail Caesar! BRIAN Hail Caesar, sir and everything. Thank you sir. (he starts writing it out) FADE DOWN, as the ROMAN goes, but leaves the SOLDIERS behind to enforce the punishment. FADE UP AGAIN. 13 EXT. PILATES PALACE DUSK

By use of a ladder BRIAN has virtually covered the wall with Romani, ite domum. He finishes the 100th line. The TWO ROMANS are in the background. One calls out. ROMAN SOLDIER STIG Right. Now dont do it again. The SOLDIERS leave and BRIAN descends, and pauses to admire

his handiwork. As he does so his achievement looks impressive some other Centurions come round the corner. They are ANDY, SEYMOUR, STEVIE and JOCELYN. They stop and look at BRIAN. Then they look at the slogans. BRIAN sees them, and looks back at his work. 14 EXT. ALLEYWAY NIGHT

BRIAN runs down street. ROMANS in pursuit. Suddenly he finds himself pulled into the shadows of an alleyway. He peers in the dark and discovers it is JUDITH. He is just about to exclaim, when she silences him with a gesture. The ROMANS run past with a great deal of noise. JUDITH beckons to BRIAN and they run off down the darkened alley. 15 INT. MATTHIASS HOUSE NIGHT

CUT TO INTERIOR of MATTHIASs house. A room lit as if it were the cellar conspiratorial atmosphere. REG and STAN, dressed as weve seen them before, are seated at a table at one end of the room. FRANCIS, dressed in commando gear black robes and a red sash around his head. Daggers, nets, robes etc., are standing by a plan on wall. He is addressing an audience of eight masked commandos dressed identically to FRANCIS. Plus red sashes on head. Their faces are partially hidden in their headdresses. FRANCIS We get through into the underground heating system here up through to the main court here and Pilates Wifes bedroom is here Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions? XERXES (one of the masked commandos) What exactly are the demands? REG Were giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State and if he doesnt agree immediately we execute her. MATTHIAS Cut her head off? FRANCIS Cut all her bits off, send em back every hour on the hour Show him were not to be trifled with.

REG Also, were demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius Caesar with his cock hanging out. STAN What? Theyll never agree to that. REG Thats just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail. Applause. ALL No blackmail!!!! REG Right. Theyve bled us white the bastards. Theyve taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers fathers. STAN And fathers fathers fathers. REG Yes. STAN And our fathers fathers fathers fathers. REG All right. Dont labour the point, Stan. And what have they given us in return? They pause smugly. Voice from masked commando. XERXES The aqueduct. REG What? XERXES The aqueduct. REG Yeah, yeah they gave us the aqueduct. Yeah. Thats true.

MASKED COMMANDO And the sanitation! STAN Oh yes sanitation. You remember what the city used to be like, Reg. Murmurs of agreement. REG Alright, Ill grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done MATTHIAS And the roads REG (sharply) Well yes obviously the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ANOTHER MASKED COMMANDO Irrigation OTHER MASKED VOICES Medicine Education REG Yes alright fair enough COMMANDO (NEARER THE FRONT) And the wine GENERAL Oh yes! True! FRANCIS Thats the one thing wed really miss if the Romans left, Reg. MASKED COMMANDO AT BACK Public baths! STAN And its safe to walk in the streets at night now. FRANCIS Yes, they do know how to keep order General nodding. lets face it theyre the only

ones who could in a place like this. More general murmurs of agreement. REG Alright Alright but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order what have the Romans done for us ? XERXES Brought peace! REG (very angry, he is not having a good meeting at all) What?! Oh (scornfully) Peace, yes now shut up! 16 EXT. MATTHIASS HOUSE NIGHT

CUT TO street exterior of MATTHIASs house. JUDITH and BRIAN approaching furtively. 17 INT. MATTHIASS HOUSE NIGHT

CUT BACK to interior. There is a sound knocking on the door. Instantly everyone leaps into various ill-concealed hiding places. MATTHIAS snaps into his old-man routine. He shuffles Chapmanlike towards the door. He looks round to check everyone is badly hidden then opens the door. MATTHIAS Im a poor man, my sight is poor, my legs are old and bent JUDITH Its alright, Matthias. He looks up for the first time and sees that it is JUDITH. He nods them in. MATTHIAS (back into the room at large) Its all clear. The room fills up again as people reappear from their several hiding places. Except REG who has to be collected by FRANCIS from his hiding place.

FRANCIS Reg! Its alright its Judith REG (as he re-appears) What went wrong? JUDITH The first blow has been struck Reg. (her eyes are afire with revolutionary zeal) REG Dyou finish the slogan ? JUDITH A hundred times! In letters 10 feet high Reg all the way round the palace! A buzz of excitement. REG (desperately unenthusiastic) Oh great ! He flashes a brief look of alarm at FRANCIS, then returns to his revolutionary authority. Well we need do-ers in this movement Brian but before you join us know this there is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. VOICE FROM BACK One! REG Well there is one but otherwise were solid. Are you with us? BRIANs big decision. He looks to JUDITH who gives him an eager, fervent look of encouragement. Heads turn towards him. BRIAN Yes! He raises his arm in the revolutionary salute (maybe striking someone behind him.) Sorry REG Brian from now on you shall be

called Brian that is called Brian. Music. He is given some revolutionary clothes. 18 EXT. PILATES PALACE NIGHT

CUT TO NIGHT. WIDE SHOT exterior of Pilates Palace. The ROMANS are just starting to scrub off BRIANs slogans. Suddenly large figures, right up against CAMERA cross the screen and we hear their names as they cross. REG (OOV) Xerxes Ted Darryl who is called Andy Philemon WE CUT to see them dropping into hole. MUSIC makes all this more tense and exciting than it really is. REG (OOV Cont) Zedekiah Brian BRIAN is the last one to drop down. REG, STAN and JUDITH are standing round the hole. REG replaces an iron grating over the top of the raiders. REG (makes revolutionary gesture) Solidarity, Brother. BRIAN looks up through the grating. BRIAN (with the first flicker of doubt) Oh yes solidarity, Reg. (he makes the gesture) REG and the other retreat into the shadows. BRIANs face withdraws into the darkness of the tunnel. 19 INT. TUNNEL NIGHT

A few tense SHOTS of the group working their way through the sewage pipe or whatever it is. FRANCIS is in the lead. 20 EXT/INT. GRATING AREA OF TUNNEL NIGHT

CUT TO a cohort of ROMAN SOLDIERS well say a dozen marching at the double outside the palace wall. They cross CAMERA very close. CUT TO REVOLUTIONARIES in pipe. They freeze and look up at another grating above them, through which they can see the ROMANS retreating.

They breathe again and move on. 21 INT. HYPOCAUST NIGHT

Eventually the pipe conducts them to the hypocaust a series of brick arches under the floor of the palace. They climb out of the pipe one by one. The last two look around. They make their way across the hypocaust, bent double because of the height. They have got halfway across when the last two start whispering. DARRYL (whispering) Brilliant isnt it? XERXES Yes they can heat the whole palace from under here DARRYL Every brick was brought from Ravenna. XERXES Thats craftsmanship. DARRYL Youre telling me. FRANCIS Sh! They go quiet for a bit. XERXES (sotto voce) Have you ever seen the mosaics in the Atrium? DARRYL Bit naughty, arent they? XERXES Thats another thing I admire about the Romans their attitude to sex. FRANCIS Ssssssssh! FRANCIS has come to a stop and is working at something above his head. He cuts away something and then pushes. 22 INT. PILATES AUDIENCE CHAMBER NIGHT

PILATEs audience chamber. On the floor is a large rather erotic mosaic, in which there is a naked couple embracing. The man wears a fig leaf. Suddenly the fig leaf moves and rises up. FRANCISs face appears from under it. He looks about and then climbs out into the room. The others follow. A couple of oohs and ahs especially from the hindermost of the raiders as they look round. MUSIC reminds us that they are in the middle of a raid. They start cautiously towards the door. Suddenly the door handle turns. They freeze. Very very slowly the door starts to open. The REVS. dash for cover on either side of the room. Slowly the face of a rather impressive ROMAN CENTURION appears round the door. He looks around His eyes narrowing he peers into all corners of the room then he cautiously steps into the room still warmly looking around him CUT IN ON BRIAN cringing behind a pillar CUT BACK to the CENTURION he looks around CENTURION Luccillus! I know youre in here (he takes a few more tense steps into the room) Im coming to find you! CUT TO FRANCIS cringing. CUT TO BRIAN cringing. CUT TO XERXES and DARRYL feeling the quality of the fabric on the couch behind which they are hiding. CUT BACK TO THE CENTURION creeping more and more into the centre of the room. Suddenly there is the scampering of feet and a giggle in the passage outside. The CENTURION jumps. CENTURION Oh! He turns on his heel and runs out excitedly. CUT TO FRANCIS & CO. wiping their brows. FRANCIS snaps back into action. 23 INT. PALACE CORRIDORS NIGHT

With impressive precision and direction the REVS now make their way through the palace. Occasionally a ROMAN runs past in front of them across a passage and they shrink back into the shadows. At another point, they have to freeze as a ROMAN backs towards them along the corridor. There is a nasty pause, then another runs across the end of the passage and the backing ROMAN gives chase again. 24 INT. CORRIDOR TO PILATES WIFES BEDROOM NIGHT

Eventually they reach a corridor which leads to Pilates Wifes bedroom. They look and can see the door in the distance. They nod to each other. MUSIC CHORD. The coast is clear. They now rush for the door. CAMERA HAND HELD with them. Suddenly, as they near the door an IDENTICAL GROUP appears from round another corner and makes for the door too. They reach the door simultaneously. There is a moments pause as they look at each other. The OTHER GROUP are dressed pretty much the same except that they wear a yellow head band instead of red. There is a rather embarrassed pause, while the TWO GROUPS look at each other. The LEADER OF THE OTHER REVOLUTIONARIES is called DEADLY DIRK. DEADLY DIRK Er Campaign for Free Galilee (he nods at his companions and holds out his hand) FRANCIS Oh (realising his [sic] must respond) Peoples Front of Judea Officials (he takes Deadly Dirks hand) Another pause. FRANCIS (trying to sound nonchalant) What er are you doing here? DEADLY DIRK (with enthusiasm) Were going to kidnap Pilates Wife take her back issue demands.

FRANCIS Oh. Thats our plan. DEADLY DIRK Well we were here first. FRANCIS What? DEADLY DIRK We thought of it first. XERXES Oh yes. DEADLY DIRK Yes, a couple of years ago. THE COMMANDOES Ah ha ha. FRANCIS Youve got all your demands worked out then? DEADLY DIRK Course we have. FRANCIS What are they then? DEADLY DIRK Were not telling you. FRANCIS & OTHERS Ah ha ha ha. DEADLY DIRK Thats not the point. BRIAN Ssh! DEADLY DIRK We thought of it before you anyway. XERXES Did not. DEADLY DIRK We did. FRANCIS Didnt.

BRIAN Sssh! OTHERS Sssssh! FRANCIS Weve been planning this for months, you bastards. DEADLY DIRK Tough titty for you! FRANCIS grabs DEADLY DIRK by the collar. They start struggling. BRIAN Brothers! Brothers! The fighting continues in a rather subdued manner. Brothers, we should be struggling together! FRANCIS (through gritted teeth) We are. XERXES Careful of the paintwork! OTHERS Ssssh! A ROMAN is seen going by. They all flatten themselves against the wall. BRIAN We mustnt fight with each other. Surely we should be united against the common enemy. Moment of thought. Then both REVOLUTIONARY GROUPS in horrified unison: ALL The Judean Peoples Front?????????? BRIAN No no, the Romans. ALL Oh! FRANCIS Hes right lets get her, and then we can argue afterwards.

OTHERS Alright alright THE GALILEANS Solidarity! They do a different gesture. FRANCIS nods them towards the door. 25 INT. PILATES WIFES BEDROOM AND CORRIDOR NIGHT

They open the door. It is dark inside but they can just make out the silhouette of Pilates wifes bed. They creep towards it. Her slumbering form is breathing evenly. Suddenly then fling the net over her and leap upon her. There is a brief intense struggle on the bed. Then everything is still. Then inexorably the huge mass of PILATES WIFE rises from the bed like some Leviathan arising from the Plutonic depths. The REVOLUTIONARIES are clinging onto her: some round her legs, some on her arms and one or two round her neck. With amazing strength she makes her way to the door, carrying all with her. Outside in the corridor she shakes them all off except for one small persistent revolutionary round her neck. Then she speeds off down the corridor and round the corner. The REVOLUTIONARIES give chase. Round the corner she nips into an alcove, the REVOLUTIONARY clinging to her neck is crushed against the wall, and winded. The OTHER REVOLUTIONARIES thunder past. When they are gone, PILATES WIFE steps out of the shadows. The WINDED REVOLUTIONARY round her neck is able to get his breath, and with a cry he falls to the floor. His cry attracts the others, who turn, and see PILATES WIFE disappearing round the corner again. They give chase. Back in the corridor leading to her room, PILATES WIFE is thundering majestically on. A small and obviously dazed REVOLUTIONARY is just appearing from the shadows of her room. He looks up and gulps. CUT TO P.O.V. to see the massive form of the Amazon racing towards him he prepares manfully to rugger tackle her. But shes too massive and her force simply carries him before her like a rabbit sandwiched on the radiator of a car. She slams the door and locks it. 26 INT. CORRIDOR TO PILATES WIFES BEDROOM NIGHT

The rest of the REVS. arrive and rattle the door handle. FRANCIS Shit! XERXES I dont believe it!

DEADLY DIRK What did you let her go for? FRANCIS What?! DEADLY DIRK Why didnt you tie her down properly when we gagged her? FRANCIS (outraged) Us?! We had her you let her go! DEADLY DIRK Dont give me that! We had her. XERXES You didnt! DEADLY DIRK We did! FRANCIS You didnt! DEADLY DIRK We did! It looks as if a fight is about to break out when suddenly they are surprised by a door opening they stiffen the last battered REVOLUTIONARY is thrown out on his ear. The door slams again and locks. Too late FRANCIS leaps for the door and tries it. He turns on DEADLY DIRK with contempt. FRANCIS You stupid bastard. DEADLY DIRK punches FRANCIS in the face. FRANCIS goes out like a light. A fight breaks out. The fight is desperate and violent. CUT TO FRANCIS coming to on the floor. Through a mass of fighting legs he sees in the distance a couple of ROMAN GUARDS approaching. FRANCIS immediately and without hesitation legs it into the shadows, and presumably escapes. BRIAN is rushing around trying to stop the fight. BRIAN Solidarity brothers! Solidarity!

DEADLY DIRKS HALF-BROTHER BLACK JACK ARMSTRONG comes flying head first out of the melee and winds BRIAN with his head. CUT TO FOUR MORE ROMAN GUARDS appearing from somewhere. The ROMANS line up and watch them with curiosity. There are now about 8 of them. CUT TO THEIR P.O.V. OF THE FIGHT. It is obvious that they have no need to interfere, as the TWO REVOLUTIONARY FACTIONS batter each other into the ground. CUT TO BRIAN still trying to stop them. BRIAN Brothers! TWO COMBATANTS in front of him smash their heads together and fall. BRIAN looks around him and realises he is the only one left standing. He looks up and notices for the first time the ROMANS standing watching. He reacts. The ROMANS start to advance on him. BRIAN draws his sword with a defiant gesture. CUT TO HIS P.O.V. THE ROMANS STOP. For a moment we think it is because of BRIANs brave stand, but when we CUT TO THEIR P.O.V. we see the door behind BRIAN opening and the huge majestic form of PILATES WIFE emerging. CUT TO C.U. OF BRIAN looking heroic and pleased with himself. CUT TO LONG SHOT. He receives a stunning blow on the back of the head from PILATES WIFE. CUT TO BLACK. 27 INT. CELL DAY

A cell below PILATEs palace. BRIAN, having been caught by the ROMANS, finds himself beaten up, put into chains and flung in with such force that he cannons against the far wall, and slumps to the ground. He drags himself up and hopelessly tries hanging on. He looks out desperately. The ROMAN SOLDIER/GAOLER laughs at him and spits in his face. BRIAN shakes the bars pathetically, looks down at his chains, then sinks to the floor whimpering to himself. Suddenly a voice comes out of the darkness. BEN You lucky bastard!

BRIAN spins round and peers into the gloom. BRIAN Whos that? In the darkness BRIAN just makes out an emaciated figure, suspended on the wall, with his feet off the ground, by chains round his wrists. This is BEN. BEN You lucky, lucky bastard. BRIAN (slightly indignant) What? BEN (with great bitterness) Proper little gaolers pet arent we? BRIAN (ruffled) What do you mean? BEN You must have slipped him a few shekels! BRIAN Slipped him a few shekels! You saw him spit in my face! BEN Ohhh! What wouldnt I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face. BRIAN Crucifixion! BEN Yeah, first offence BRIAN is almost speechless with outrage at this. BRIAN Get away with crucifixion! Its the BEN Best things the Romans ever did for us. BRIAN (incredulous)

What? BEN If we didnt have crucifixion this country would be in a right bloody mess I tell you BRIAN (who can stand it no longer) Guard! BEN Nail a bit of sense into them! GUARD (looking through the bars) What do you want? BRIAN I want to be moved to another cell. GUARD spits in his face. Oh! (he recoils in helpless disgust) BEN Oh look at that! Bloody favouritism! GUARD Shut up, you! BEN Sorry! Sorry! (he lowers his voice) Now take my case they hung me up here five years ago, and every night they take me down for a couple of hours, then they hang me up again which I regard as very fair in view of what I did. And if nothing else, its taught me to respect those Romans and its taught me that if youre going to get anywhere in life, youve got to be prepared to do a fair days work for a fair days pBRIAN Oh Shut up!! At that moment a CENTURION and TWO GUARDS enter.

CENTURION Pilate wants to see you. BRIAN Oh? CENTURION Well, get up! BRIAN struggles to his feet. BRIAN Pilate? What does he want to see me for? CENTURION I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified. He laughs. The TWO SOLDIERS smirk. BEN laughs uproariously. BEN Nice one Nice one centurion, I like it. CENTURION (to Ben) Shut up! BRIAN is hustled. The door slams. BEN Terrific race the Romans terrific. 28 INT. PILATES AUDIENCE CHAMBER DAY

A room in Pilates palace. The audience chamber that we have already seen during the raid. BRIAN is hauled in. TWO GUARDS stand by the door. The CENTURION salutes. CENTURION Only one survivor, sir. PILATE Ah! Throw him to the floor. CENTURION What sir? PILATE Throw him to the floor. CENTURION Ah!

He throws BRIAN to the ground. PILATE What is your name, Jew? BRIAN Brian. PILATE Bwian, eh? BRIAN (trying to be helpful) No, Brian. The CENTURION cuffs him. PILATE The little wascal has spiwit. CENTURION Has what, sir? PILATE Spiwit. CENTURION Yes, he did, sir. PILATE No, no, spiwit bwavado a touch of dewwing-do. CENTURION (still not really understanding) Ah. PILATE (to Brian) So you dare to waid us. BRIAN (rising to his feet) To what? PILATE Stwike him, centurion, vewwy woughly. CENTURION And throw him to the floor, sir? PILATE What? CENTURION

Thwow him to the floor, sir? PILATE Yes. Thwow him to the floor. The CENTURION knocks BRIAN hard on the side of the head again and then throws him to the floor. PILATE Now, Jewish twoublemaker BRIAN Im not Jewish Im a Roman! PILATE Woman? BRIAN No, Ro But hes not quick enough to avoid a quick blow from the CENTURION. PILATE So your father was a woman. Who was he?. BRIAN (proudly) He was a centurion. PILATE Where? BRIAN Here. PILATE In the Jewusalem gawwison? What was his name? BRIAN Nortius Maximus. An involuntary titter from the CENTURION. PILATE Ssh! Centuwion, do we have anyone in the gawwison by that name? CENTURION Well no sir. PILATE You sound vewwy sure have you checked?

CENTURION Well no sir I I think its a joke sir. Its like Sillius Soddus or or Biggus Dickus PILATE Whats so funny about that, Centuwion? CENTURION Well its a sort of joke name sir. PILATE I have a gweat fwend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. Laughter from GUARDS at door. PILATE turns to them. PILATE Silence! What is all this insolence? (he walks over to them) You will find yourself in gladiator school vewwy quickly with behaviour like that. They both try to stop giggling. PILATE finally turns away from them. He is very angry. BRIAN Can I go now sir CENTURION (to Brian) Shutup. PILATE Wait till Biggus hears of this! One of the GUARDS immediately breaks up. PILATE turns on him. PILATE Wight! Centuwion Take that man to gladiator school. CENTURION Oh sir, he only PILATE I want him fighting within a week. CENTURION Yes, sir. He starts to drag out the wretched GUARD. BRIAN notices

that little attention is being paid to him. PILATE I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy He walks slowly towards the other GUARD, and another who has come in to replace the one whos been dragged away. PILATE (staring hard at the Guards) Now anyone else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwend (he goes right up to one of the Guards) Biggus Dickus. The GUARD is clearly biting the inside of his mouth off. PILATE Are you quite sure eh? You dont find it wisible any more when I say Biggus Dickus! The GUARDS by a superhuman feat control themselves. The worst appears to be over when PILATE turns back to them. PILATE He has a wife you know (he comes up close to them again) You know what shes called? They shake their heads in suppressed terror. Shes called Flowea! He looks at them challengingly. They seem about to break up, but suddenly realise it isnt funny. They relax with a sigh of relief. PILATE Flowea Tittus! Everyone collapses. Pandemonium of laughter, PILATE goes round in a rage of white anger BRIAN takes advantage of the chaos and races for the open window. PILATE Stop! Stop! BRIAN races for the windows.

Stop! Its the But its too late, as BRIAN reaches the open window, he realises what PILATE is trying to tell him. PILATE Sixth floor! 29 EXT. PILATES PALACE DAY

BRIAN comes flying out of the palace at sixth floor level. An expression of fear crosses his face as he realises his situation. However at the very moment he has grasped his impending doom, he lands on a passing Flying Saucer. He desperately clings to it. 30 INT. FLYING SAUCER DAY

Three martians stare at BRIAN. They wave him away. Then their leader points in the other direction. They see another space craft diving in to attack. They take evasive action. 31 EXT. PILATES PALACE DAY

The space craft briefly battle. BRIANs swoops down but is hit near the ground and crashes with BRIAN on it. It dematerialises around him. He stands up, a little unsteadily. A passer-by has been observing this. PASSER-BY You jammy bastard. BRIAN looks at him, looks round at the palace, whence Roman troops now emerge, and sets off at full speed. 32 EXT. STREETS DAY

BRIAN running away from the Romans. They cannot see him quite but guess the route he is taking. Sometimes the Romans split up at junctions. 33 EXT. CITY SQUARE DAY

BRIAN comes running out into the square. It is busy. There are lots of stalls doing good business. In the background are several teachers. They stand along, at intervals, a stone shelf. Perhaps there are stone figures also on the shelf separating the teachers. Below each teacher for the shelf is some five feet above the ground is a knot of listeners. BRIAN stops at a stall where beards are being sold. He grabs one. BRIAN How much? Quick!

HARRY What? BRIAN Its for the wife. HARRY Oh. Twenty shekels. BRIAN Right. HARRY What? BRIAN There you are. (he puts down 20 shekels) HARRY Wait a moment. BRIAN What? HARRY Were supposed to haggle. BRIAN No, no, Ive got to HARRY What do you mean no? BRIAN I havent time, Ive got to get HARRY Give it back then. BRIAN No, no, I paid you. HARRY Burt! BURT appears, he is very big. BURT Yeah! HARRY This bloke wont haggle.

BURT (looking around) Where are the guards? BRIAN Oh, alright I mean do we have to HARRY Now I want twenty for that BRIAN I gave you twenty. HARRY Now are you telling me thats not worth twenty shekels? BRIAN No. HARRY Feel the quality, thats none of yer goat. BRIAN Oh Ill give you nineteen then. HARRY No, no. Do it properly. BRIAN What? HARRY Haggle properly. This isnt worth nineteen. BRIAN You just said it was worth twenty. HARRY Come on! Burt!! BRIAN Ill give you ten. HARRY Thats more like it. (outraged) Ten! Are you trying to insult me? Me. With a poor dying grandmother Ten!!!? BRIAN Eleven.

HARRY Now youre getting it. Eleven!!! Did I hear you right? Eleven. This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me. BRIAN Seventeen. HARRY Seventeen! BRIAN Eighteen? HARRY No, no, no. You got [sic] to fourteen now. BRIAN Fourteen. HARRY Fourteen, are you joking? BRIAN Thats what you told me to say. HARRY registers total despair. Tell me what to say Please. HARRY Offer me fourteen. BRIAN Ill give you fourteen. HARRY (to onlookers) Hes offering me fourteen for this. BRIAN Fifteen. HARRY Seventeen. My last word. I wont take a penny less, or strike me dead. BRIAN Sixteen. HARRY Done.

He grasps BRIANs hand and shakes it. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, Ill throw in this as well. He slips a gourd, on a thong, over BRIANs shoulder. BRIAN I dont want it but thanks. HARRY Burt! BURT (appearing rapidly) Yes? BRIAN All right! All right!! Thank you. HARRY Wheres the sixteen then? BRIAN I already gave you twenty. HARRY Oh, yes thats four I owe you then. (starts looking for change) BRIAN Its all right, it doesnt matter. HARRY Hang on. Pause as HARRY cant find change. BRIAN sees a pair of prowling ROMANS. BRIAN Its all right, thats four for the gourd, thats fine! HARRY Four for the gourd. Four!!!!! Look at it, thats worth ten if its worth a shekel. BRIAN You just gave it to me for nothing. HARRY Yes, but its worth ten.

BRIAN Alright, alright. HARRY No, no, no. Its not worth ten. Youre supposed to argue. Ten for that you must be mad. BRIAN runs off with the gourd, and the beard firmly on his face. HARRY Ah, well theres one born every minute. BRIAN hastens across to the other side of the square, passing in front of all the prophets. (There are four of them) Each is droning on warning the world of impending doom and soliciting their various claims to be the new Mesiah. BRIAN dodges beneath them, keeping a wary eye out for the ROMANS, and dodges up a side alley to the outside of MATTHIASs house. 34 INT. MATTHIASS HOUSE DAY

The REVOLUTIONARIES are seated round the table. FRANCIS is still in his commando garb, following his escape. He is a little dishevelled. STAN is there. MATTHIAS is on guard. Three others in the shadows. VINCE, PHIL and CLINT. REG is writing. There is a slight uneasiness in the air. FRANCIS Philemon REG writes. and Brian REG writes. REG (saying the names as he writes) Philemon and Bran (he finishes writing and looks up) Siblings! I propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause STAN

I second that, Reg. REG Thank you, sister. Nem con. (he writes. To cheer up Francis) Let us not be disheartened, siblings. One catastrophe like this is just the beginning Their glorious deaths shall unite us all MATTHIAS (who is keeping guard by the window) Look out! 35 EXT. MATTHIASS HOUSE DAY

CUT TO BRIAN working his way from the square across to Matthiass house. He goes to the door and bursts in. 36 INT. MATTHIASS HOUSE DAY

The room is apparently empty. BRIAN Hello? (he looks round) Matthias? Reg? REG (OOV) Bugger off! BRIAN reacts. BRIAN Reg! REG Go on! Clear off! Various shouts of: Clear off! Yeah piss off! Go away! CUT TO REVERSE ANGLE of room to see that the place is packed with badly concealed bodies. BRIAN sees STAN crouched under the table. BRIAN Stan! STAN Piss off. Suddenly there is heavy imperious knocking on the door. All their heads which have appeared for a moment disappear instantly.

ALL Oh shit! MATTHIAS appears from an oven. MATTHIAS (to door) Coming! He starts looking round for somewhere for BRIAN to hide. More knocking. MATTHIAS Coming Im an old man! He pushes BRIAN behind some curtains. 37 EXT. MATTHIASS HOUSE DAY

CUT TO EXTERIOR. BRIAN finds himself on a balcony high up above the city. There is immediately an ominous creek and the balcony settles. A bit of dust falls and BRIAN realises he is on a very unsafe perch. 38 EXT/INT. MATTHIASS HOUSE DAY

MATTHIAS My eyes are dim I cannot see (he opens the door) There is a squad of a dozen Roman Soldiers outside. CENTURION Are you Matthias? MATTHIAS Yes. CENTURION We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation the Peoples front of Judea. MATTHIAS Me? No Im a poor man I have no time for law-breakers My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent CENTURION Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house TWO GUARDS go in at the double. Followed by two more. Followed by two more followed by about eight more in formation.

They go clattering in. CENTURION You know the punishment laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal. MATTHIAS No. In the background a foot slips down into picture very near the Centurions plume. CENTURION Crucifixion. MATTHIAS Oh. The foot disappears upwards. CENTURION Nasty eh? MATTHIAS Could be worse. CENTURION Could be worse? What dyou mean: could be worse? MATTHIAS Well you could be stabbed. CENTURION Stabbed? That takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. Its a slow, horrible death. Foot slips down again. MATTHIAS Well at least it gets you out in the open air. CENTURION Youre weird. SOLDIERS come clanking out of the house and the SERGEANT halts by the CENTURION. SERGEANT No sir, couldnt find anything. CENTURION Alright but dont worry youve

not seen the last of us weirdo! MATTHIAS Big nose! CENTURION Watch it! The ROMAN GUARDS march off. MATTHIAS shuts the door thankfully. MATTHIAS Phew that was lucky. The hiders emerge. BRIAN Im sorry, Reg. REG Oh its all right siblings, hes sorry. Hes sorry he led the Fifth legion to our official headquarters. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home you CUNT. You stupid, bird-brained, fat-headed There is another burst of loud knocking. The REVS all disappear BRIAN gets back out on to the balcony. This time a crack appears and BRIAN notices it and hangs on to help support his own weight. MATTHIAS gets to the door. MATTHIAS My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled He opens the door. The ROMANS are outside again. Yes? CENTURION Theres one place we didnt look. CENTURION nods his head and the MEN pour in again. MATTHIAS Im just a poor old man. Have pity my eyes are weak and my legs are old and bent. CENTURION Have you ever seen anyone crucified? MATTHIAS Crucifixions a doddle. CENTURION

(hurt) Dont keep saying that. The foot slips back into picture brushing the CENTURIONs plume. He swats at it. SERGEANT No, nothing there, sir. CENTURION Alright But well be back, weirdo. MATTHIAS shuts the door. He turns to the others with a sigh of relief. As soon as they all start to emerge there is another knock on the door. BRIAN scuttles back on to the balcony. The crack gets worse. BRIAN clings tighter. CENTURION Open up! MATTHIAS (indignant) You havent given us time to hide! CENTURION We dont want to search. We think we left a gauntlet. MATTHIAS looks round. A gauntlet sails towards him. MATTHIAS picks it up and opens the door a crack. CENTURION put his arm round the door to take the gauntlet without looking. 39 EXT. MATTHIASS HOUSE DAY

At this moment the balcony gives way and BRIAN falls into the street below. He gets to his feet and moves off but sees a group of ROMANS coming towards him. He slips into a side street but then realises it is a cul-de-sac. He turns, realises he cannot do back into the street and then runs to the wall at the end of the cul-de-sac and climbs up it. He scrambles over the top and drops down the other side. 40 EXT. SQUARE DAY

When he lands below he turns and finds he is standing on the stone ledge where the other teachers are arrayed. A ROMAN SOLDIER is standing inches from him; that is, the SOLDIERs head is inches from his feet. As he sees the SOLDIER the SOLDIER turns round and looks right up at him. BRIAN stares for the briefest moment and then starts behaving exactly like a teacher BRIAN Dont pass judgement on other people or you might get judged yourself.

A PASSER-BY (A) stops. A. What? BRIAN I said Dont pass judgement on other people or else you might get judged too. C. Me? BRIAN Yes. C. Oh right. Thank you. BRIAN Well not just you, all of you. A MAN, D. has been staring at BRIANs gourd. E,F,G, are wandering by. D. Thats a nice gourd. BRIAN What. D. How much do you want for the gourd. BRIAN I dont you can have it. D. Have it? BRIAN takes it off and gives it to him. BRIAN Yes. Consider the lilies D. Dont you want to haggle? BRIAN No. In the fields. D. Whats wrong with it then? F. The lilies?

BRIAN Nothing, take it. Well, the birds, then. E. What birds? BRIAN Any birds. E. Why? BRIAN Well have they got jobs? F. Who? BRIAN The birds. F. Have the birds got jobs? G. I think I missed the start. BRIAN They do all right, dont they, the birds, but they dont do any work. E. Well its not their fault. BRIAN What? F, Theres no jobs for them. BRIAN No, thats not the point. H. Whats the matter with him? F. He says the birds are scrounging. BRIAN No, look, the point is theyre doing all right arent they? E. And good luck to em.

H. Theyre very pretty. BRIAN Right! Right! They eat but they dont grow anything do they? G. Nobodys asking em to. BRIAN O.K. And youre more important than they are, right? Well, there you are then. What are you worrying about. See? E. Im worrying about what you got against birds. BRIAN I havent got anything against birds. Consider the lilies F. Hes having a go at the flowers now. H. Give the flowers a chance. D. Ill give you one for it. BRIAN Its yours. D. Two then. BRIAN Look, there was this man, he had two servants. F. What were their names? BRIAN What? F. What were they called? BRIAN I dont know

F. Hes making it up! BRIAN Im not D. Two? H. Hes terrible isnt he? General eye raising to heaven. F. Tch tch tch. J. Get off! D. Two?! The TWO ROMANS who have been observing all this, leaning against a pillar, nod to each other, and start to stride purposefully towards BRIAN. BRIAN sees them and panics. BRIAN (desperately, to his dwindling audience) Er hear this! Er Blessed are they D. 3. BRIAN They who convert their neighbours ox for to them only shall be given The ROMANS walk past him at this point and he realises that they were merely rejoining their platoon. The ROMAN who was standing immediately beneath him has also gone with them. BRIAN watches the ROMAN go. BRIAN shall be given. (his voice trails off) His voice trails off as he watches the ROMANS leave the square in a squad. CUT INS of various members of his audience waiting for him to finish his sentence.

BRIAN breathes in relief and relaxes leaning back against the wall. X. What? BRIAN Hmmm? X. Shall be given what? BRIAN Oh it doesnt matter. BRIAN starts to get down. X. Hey! What were you going to say? BRIAN Nothing. X. Yes you were. MRS E. You were going to say something. BRIAN No I wasnt. Im going. X. Tell us before you go. BRIAN I wasnt going to say anything. Id finished. MRS E. No you hadnt. Y. What wont he tell us? X. I dont know. Y. Is it a secret? BRIAN No Y.

Is it? Z. It must be. Otherwise hed tell us. X. (to Brian) What is the secret? BRIAN Leave me alone. OTHERS Yes! Tell us the secret! YOUNG COUPLE emerge. INTENSE YOUTH What is this secret? INTENSE GIRL Is it Eternal Life? X. He wont say. ANOTHER Of course not if I knew the secret of Eternal Life, I wouldnt say BRIAN is thrusting his way through the now rapidly growing throng. A hard core is keeping up with him and pestering him. BRIAN Leave me alone. BRIAN looks around desperately to make sure there are no ROMANS. He catches sight of one passing the end of the street and immediately flattens himself against the wall or in an alcove. The crowd cluster round. INTENSE GIRL Just tell us, please! X. (AND HIS GROUP) Tell us! We wont tell anyone else. Y. (turning to the gathering crowd) Go away the rest of you. REST OF CROWD No! Whats going on? More join the crowd.

X. (to Brian) We were here first. Y. No we were! INTENSE GIRL Tell us, Master. BRIAN dives through the crowd. A commotion. Just as he reaches the edge of the crowd, which is getting increasingly excited, he bumps into the GOURD MAN, D, who is still holding the gourd. D. 5. BRIAN What? D. (holding gourd up) I cant go above five. BRIAN Go A WAY ! The INTENSE GIRL approaches D. GIRL Is that his gourd? D. (uncertainly) Yes. GIRL This is his gourd! (she takes it) D. Four and a half? X. Its his gourd! we will carry it for you Master The crowd dive for the gourd. BRIAN takes advantage of the distraction and legs it off down the road. The crowd look up. Brief pause. INTENSE MAN

Hes gone! Hes been taken up! X. No there he is! BRIAN disappears round a corner. The crowd gives chase. CROWD Master! 41 INT. MATTHIASS HOUSE DAY

CUT BACK TO MATTHIASs house. The REVOLUTIONARIES have just emerged from their various hiding places, brushed themselves down and are talking. REG I think we all realise that any new universal revolutionary movement is bound to have its teething problems If we are talking of total planetary domination, and I think we are ALL Yeah. REG I think 6 years is more realistic. But even six years is optimistic, Siblings unless we can smash the Roman Empire within the next 12 months. STAN All of it, Reg? REG Er wait a moment (looks at notes) I cant read this yes! All of it. FRANCIS Right. REG Agreed? ALL Agreed. REG But as empires go, this is the big one, so weve got to get up off our asses AND STOP JUST TALKING ABOUT IT.

ALL Hear hear! REG Its acts that count, not words, and we need action NOW!!! Applause. JUDITH rises. JUDITH I agree. We could sit around here talking all day, passing resolutions and making clever speeches, and its not going to shift one Roman soldier. REG Right! So lets stop just gabbing on like this, its completely pointless, and its getting us nowhere. OTHERS Right. STAN Hes right. This is a complete waste of time. ALL Hear, hear!! REG Good, well, thats settled then. Pause. They all sit back, sated. Long pause. REG Well, obviously before we act, siblings, we must discuss how we are going to act They all lean forward again. 42 EXT. CITY GATES DAY

The gates of the City. BRIAN appears, accelerating fast. From behind him the rumble of a pursuing crowd. BRIAN looks back desperately and runs up a path which takes him along the lower slopes of the hill of Calvary. We see crosses in the background. As BRIAN runs, he slips. One of his sandals comes off. He is about to go back and retrieve it, when he sees his followers pouring out of the City gates. They see him. BRIAN turns and runs off painfully. The followers gave chase and one of them suddenly stops and bends down. 2ND FOLLOWER Look!

(he holds up Brians show) LEADER He has given us a sign. 2ND FOLLOWER He has given us a shoe. LEADER The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example. 3RD FOLLOWER What dyou mean? LEADER Let us, like him, carry one shoe and let the other be upon our feet. For this is his sign, that all who follow him shall do likewise. GOURD CARRIER Cast off the shoes! Follow the gourd. No! Gather shoes! We must gather shoes together in abundance. (turns to man next to him) Let me He starts trying to get the mans shoe off. MAN Get off! 3RD FOLLOWER No! It is a sign that we must like him think not of the things of the body but of the face and head. He kneels in prayer. Immediately someone tries to take his shoe. ANOTHER VOICE Ow! 2ND FOLLOWER Give me your shoe. GOURD CARRIER Follow the Gourd! The Holy Gourd Of Jerusalem. ANOTHER VOICE Get off!

FOLLOWER Come on! The Shoe! VOICE No. Im praying. LEADER Weve got to find him first. 4TH FOLLOWER Yes good idea come on. 3RD FOLLOWER Bring the sandal. 5TH FOLLOWER No its a shoe! 7TH FOLLOWER Put it on! 8TH FOLLOWER Clear off! 2TH FOLLOWER I will keep the shoe and put other shoes with it, 6TH FOLLOWER Its a sandal. 3RD FOLLOWER No it isnt. LEADER Follow the shoe-ites! 3RD FOLLOWER Follow the way of the sandalites. LEADER But cast away our own shoes Some do. GOURD CARRIER Come! All ye who call yourself Gourdenes! 4TH FOLLOWER Keep the shoe. FISHER Let us pray. FISHER is trampled underfoot.

43

EXT.

MOUNTAIN PATH

DAY

CUT TO EXTERIOR PATH/ROCK FACE BRIAN racing, or rather limping along path, which stretches ahead of him. He looks behind him, takes a deep breath and scrambles up sheer side of rock. He climbs and climbs. 44 EXT. PATH DAY

CUT BACK to the FOLLOWERS. 45 EXT. PATH DAY

CUT BACK TO BRIAN climbing higher and higher. 46 EXT. PATH DAY

CUT BACK TO FOLLOWERS. 47 EXT. HILL TOP DAY

CUT BACK TO BRIAN very high up now. He looks down and sees the FOLLOWERS coming up the path below. 48 EXT. PATH DAY

CUT TO THE FOLLOWERS marching into the same SHOT where BRIAN left the path. They go straight on. 49 EXT. HILL TOP DAY

He runs up a narrow rocky path. He can turn neither left nor right. At the top he looks down and to one side of the path there is a hole, no more than six feet across, in which crouches a bearded mystic, in a meditative position. He has a bowl of berries with him and a little bowl of water. This is BRIANs chance. BRIAN Hey! SIMON HOLY MAN looks up. BRIAN Is there another way down? SIMONs face takes on a look of horror. Eyes popping and lips pressed tight together he shakes his head. SIMON Mmm Mmm. BRIAN Is there another path down to the

river SIMON (deliberately saying nothing and motioning to Brian to go away) Mmmmmm. BRIAN (hearing his Followers) Please help me! Ive got to get away. SIMON Mmm Mmmm Mmmmm. CUT TO FOLLOWERS getting closer. BRIAN just catches sight of them in the distance. Without waiting for them to see him he leaps into the hole. BRIAN Look! Sorry! A scream from SIMON. SIMON Ow! MY FOOT!!! He grabs his foot in agony, but suddenly a fresh agony wracks him. SIMON Oh damn! Damn, damn, damn! BRIAN (desperately) Ssh! SIMON Oh Damn damn and blast and damn ohhhh!!! BRIAN Sssh! Sssh! Im sorry! SIMON Dont sssh me! Eighteen years of silence and you ssh me!! BRIAN What? SIMON Eighteen years of total silence then you arrive not a word.

BRIAN Im sorry I didnt realise. SIMON Not a mutter! BRIAN Im sorry. SIMON Not a murmer!! BRIAN Please be quiet just for another five min SIMON Theres no point in being quiet, now. I might as well enjoy myself now the times in the last eighteen years when Ive wanted to shout and sing! De da dum. BRIAN slaps his hand over his mouth, but the hermit fights back with scrawny strength. BRIAN Please! SIMON De da dum. (he goes into rough tuneless singing, but very loudly) Hava Nagila!! Hava BRIAN desperately slaps a hand over his mouth. Im alive! Im alive!!! CUT TO the reactions of the FOLLOWERS who react to the sound, marvelling. BRIAN fights and struggles rather gracelessly with the yelling shouting noisy old hermit. Hello Trees Hello Sky Hello rocks!! Oh its a lovely day today Hava Nagila! We see BRIAN rear up briefly out of the hole holding the Hermits mouth, he reacts in horror to approach of FOLLOWERS and ducks down but the hermit breaks loose again Hello HELLO HELLO. The Hermits voice suddenly tails off as he sees what BRIAN has seen. SIMON stops. His eyes boggle. The FOLLOWERS approach the hole. They fall to the ground.

CROWD Master! We have found him! A Miracle! His shoe was right! Blessed be the shoe! The sandal! The gourd! The Miracle of the Shoe! etc. etc. They shush each other. BRIAN gets out of the hole. BRIAN (putting up his hands for silence) Please! Please! CROWD He speaks he speaks . LEADER Speak to us Speak to us CROWD Speak to us BRIAN Go away! CROWD A blessing!! A blessing!! LEADER How shall we go away? BRIAN Just go away leave me alone. 2ND FOLLOWER Show us a sign. LEADER He has shown us a sign. He has bought us here to this place. BRIAN I did not bring you here. You followed me. 2ND FOLLOWER Its still a good sign, by any standard. LEADER Lord! Your people walked many miles to be with you. They are weary and have not eaten. Show us a sign. BRIAN Look its not my fault they havent

eaten LEADER There is no food in this high mountain. BRIAN What about the juniper bushes over there. CROWD A miracle! A miracle! 2ND FOLLOWER The bushes have been made fruitful by his word. 3RD FOLLOWER They have brought forth juniper berries. BRIAN Of course theyve brought juniper berries theyre juniper bushes! What dyou expect? 4TH FOLLOWER Show us another miracle! BRIAN Go away! LEADER Do not tempt him, shallow ones. Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? SIMON sees the crowd pulling the juniper bushes to pieces. SIMON Hey! Those are my juniper bushes! LEADER They are a gift from God. SIMON Theyre all Ive got to eat! A MAN falls in front of BRIAN MAN Lord! I am affected by a bald patch! Suddenly a MAN some distance away leaps to his feet. LEAPING MAN Im healed! The master has healed me! ALL

A miracle! A miracle! BRIAN I never touched him! LEAPING MAN I was blind and now I can see. (he falls into the hole of Simon) Aaargh! MAN (still at Brians feet) Prevent further hair loss, master! SIMON runs up to BRIAN. SIMON Tell them to get away from my bushes! (to crowd) I hadnt spoken a word for eighteen years till he came along. ALL A miracle! He is the Messiah. SIMON He hurt my foot!! ALL Hurt my foot Lord!! (offering their feet) Hurt my foot. Please! MAN Hail Messiah! BRIAN Im not the Messiah. MAN I say you are Lord, and I should know, Ive followed a few. ALL Hail Messiah. SIMON runs over to the juniper berry pickers trying to stop them. SIMON Stop it! Stop it! BRIAN Now, will you please listen! I am

not the Messiah. Dyou understand, I am NOT the Messiah. Honestly! LEADER Only the true Messiah denies his divinity. BRIAN What!? Oh! (in exasperation) What sort of a chance does that give me? Alright! I am the Messiah! Uproar. CROWD He is! He is the Messiah! They all fall and worship him. BRIAN Now fuck off!! LEADER How shall we fuck off O Lord? BRIAN Just just. SIMON comes back to BRIAN. SIMON (accusingly) You told these people to eat my berries.. BRIAN Look I only SIMON You break my bloody foot you break my vow of silence, and now you clean up on my juniper bushes. SIMON hits BRIAN about the head with his staff. BRIAN Lay off LEADER (pointing at the bruised Brian) This is the Messiah the chosen one. SIMON

No hes not! Hes just ALL An unbeliever! LEADER (pointing at Simon) An unbeliever! BRIAN No! ALL Kill him! Death to the unbelievers! BRIAN No! He only Look Im not the The crowd manhandle SIMON away lifting him up above them. SIMON struggles manically. As BRIAN tries to intervene a man comes up to him. MAN My wife and I have not had sex for four years master. Every time BRIAN pushes him away. The crowd carry SIMON off. BRIAN Stop it! Put him down! ALL A heretic! Kill! Persecute Persecute the heretic! BRIAN Leave him alone please ! But BRIAN is powerless. the crowd have carried SIMON off. He shakes his head in desperation, looks around, realises that he is totally on his own. Casts one last look at the mob and slips thankfully away framed symbolically alone against the gathering dusk. 50 EXT. A CITY POSING AS JERUSALEM DAWN

A fabulous montage of dawn shots. Birds twittering, cocks crowing, donkeys braying, very early morning activities. 51 INT. BRIANS BEDROOM DAWN

BRIAN, lying in bed, stirs. He opens his eyes, yawns, gets up out of bed and wanders over to the window, throws open the shutters, and flings his arms back to stretch. Then he freezes and stares in horror.

52

EXT.

SQUARE OUTSIDE BRIANS HOUSE

A huge throng are clustered outside, some look up. CROWD Look! There he is. The chosen one has woken! 53 INT/EXT. BRIANS BEDROOM

BRIAN slams the shutters and retreats from the window. From downstairs he hears his Mothers voice. MANDY (OOV) Brian! Brian!!! The door of his room flies open and MANDY storms in. BRIAN Oh hello Mother. MANDY Dont you hello Mother me! Whats going on? BRIAN Oh, er, well MANDY What are they doing outside? BRIAN Er well, some of them started following me yesterday. MANDY Theres a multitude out there! Tell them to go away. BRIAN hesitates and so MANDY goes to the window and opens the shutters. MANDY (to the crowd) Stop following my son. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. CROWD The Messiah. The Messiah. Show us the Messiah. MANDY The who? CROWD The Messiah. The Messiah.

MANDY Theres no Messiah in here. Theres a mess all right, but no Messiah, Go away! CROWD Brian! Brian! MANDY Right my lad, what have you been up to? BRIAN Well, mother MANDY Out with it! Come on! BRIAN They think Im the Messiah, mother. MANDY clips him across the ear. MANDY What have you been telling them? BRIAN I didnt mother I only MANDY Dont make it worse. She clips him again and then turns as the noise from outside grows CROWD (OOV) The Messiah. The Messiah. MANDY leans out of the window. CROWD Show us the Messiah. MANDY Now you listen. Hes not the Messiah, hes a very naughty boy. Now go away. CROWD Who are you? MANDY Im his mother thats who. Now go away! CROWD

Behold his Mother. Behold his Mother!! Hail to thee, mother of Brian. All hail. Blessed art thou. Hosanna. All praise to thee, now and always !!! MANDY Now dont think youll get round me that way. Hes not coming out thats my last word. CROWD Let us see him. MAN IN CROWD He will lead us out of captivity. MANDY Him? He wont even put his sandals on. Now shove off! CROWD No! MANDY Did you hear what I said? CROWD Yes!! MANDY I see. Its like that is it? CROWD Yes. MANDY All right, you can talk to him for one minute, but not one second more, do you understand? CROWD Yes. Yes. MANDY Promise? CROWD Well all right. MANDY Right. Here he is then. Come on Brian. You can talk to them for one minute and then you can come and do the carrots. BRIAN moves forward. The crowd cheers, Hosanna, The Master,

All Hail etc. The pandemonium dies down. BRIAN Good morning. CROWD A blessing! More pandemonium. BRIAN No, please. Please. Please listen. They quieten. There are one or two things that I want to say CROWD Tell us. Tell us both of them!! BRIAN Look please. Do be quiet. WOMAN AT THE BACK What did he say. CROWD (thunderously) Sssshhh!!! The WOMAN falls backwards. BRIAN Look youve got it all wrong. You dont need to follow me. You dont need to follow anybody. CROWD Hes right! BRIAN Think for yourselves. Youre all individuals. CROWD Yes, were all individuals. BRIAN Youre all different. CROWD Yes, we are all different. MAN Im not.

CROWD Sssshhh! BRIAN Well, thats it. Youve all got to work it out for yourselves. CROWD Yes, yes!! Weve got to work it all out for ourselves. BRIAN Exactly. CROWD Tell us more. BRIAN No, no, thats the point. Dont let anyone tell you what to do. Otherwise MANDY appears on the balcony behind him. MANDY Come on Brian. In you go. BRIAN But Mum. MANDY Go on. Thats enough. She propels him out of sight. CROWD (disappointed) Ooooh. That wasnt a minute! MANDY Yes it was, go on. Off with you. CROWD All right. Can we come back tomorrow, Mother of Brian. MANDY Well well just have to see wont we? YOUNG MAN Excuse me. MANDY Yes. YOUNG MAN

Are you a virgin? MANDY I beg your pardon. YOUNG MAN If its not a personal question, are you a virgin? MANDY Not a personal question. How much more personal can you get? CUT TO 54 INT. BRIANS BEDROOM DAY

BRIAN has got a robe on and is about to leave the room to go downstairs. He opens the door leading to the stairs. He gapes. From his P.O.V. 55 INT. MANDYS LIVING ROOM

A scene of great activity. The REVOLUTIONARIES are everywhere carrying in a table, controlling queues, organizing everywhere. A lot of the lay public are also in the room in various groups milling about. REG is maniacally active. REG Line up along there please. Get em in two rows Stan. Those with gifts, come forward. Incurables Im afraid youll just have to wait for a few moments. MAN Will he endorse fish? REG Youll have to see Brother Francis about that. Dont forget everyone, the membership secretary will give you a number. Please remember it at all times. Keep the noise down a bit please!! Those possessed by devils, please try to keep them under control, will you. BRIAN starts to come down the stairs and REG sees him. Morning Saviour. EVERYONE (turning towards Brian) Ooooh.

The crowd all surge towards BRIAN and the REVOLUTIONARIES go to help him. FRANCIS/STAN/JUDITH Come on, give him space, dont push, mind your backs. BRIAN is in no mood for this and he walks through the crowd without slowing his pace much. MAN (to Brian) My son loved your juniper berries miracle WOMAN Lay your hand here quick. FRANCIS Dont jostle the chosen one. Come on! REG Dont poke that baby in the Saviours face. Brian, could I introduce you to Mr Papadopoulos whos letting us have the mount on Sunday But BRIAN has walked past. MAN Could he just see my wife? She has a headache. REG Shell have to wait Im afraid. MAN We have a lunch appointment. REG Look please keep back, we cant get anywhere like this. MAN Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath you know. FRANCIS Dont push! BRIAN has reached the door to the back garden and he now goes through, slamming it behind him. The others are left just a little fazed by the lack of attention they have been paid. 56 EXT. MANDYS BACK GARDEN DAY

BRIAN stalks across to a tree. From the house we hear: REG (OOV) Would women taken in sin stand against that wall please. BRIAN hops up into the tree and sits in it, registering a pose of extreme detachment from the outside world. He stares ahead. Suddenly his eye is caught by a strange looking man (OTTO) who enters the garden, and approaches BRIAN. BRIAN tries to hide himself, but he has been spotted. BRIAN is sitting in a tree. Suddenly OTTO approaches. OTTO Hail leader. BRIAN What? OTTO Oh. Im so sorry. Have you seen the new leader? BRIAN The what? OTTO Where is the new leader? I wish to follow him and hail him. Hail leader. See. BRIAN Oh. Who are you? OTTO My name. Is. Otto. BRIAN Oh. Otto. OTTO Yes. (proudly) Otto. Its time, you know BRIAN What? OTTO Time that we Jews racially purified ourselves. BRIAN

Oh. OTTO Hes right, you know. The new leader. We need more room to live. We must move into the traditionally Jewish lands of Samaria. BRIAN What about the Samaritans? OTTO Well, we can put them in little camps. And after Samaria we must move into Jordan and create a great Jewish state that will last a thousand years. BRIAN Yes, Im not sure that I OTTO Oh, I grow so impatient you know. To see the Leader that has been promised our people for centuries. The Leader who will save Israel by ridding it of the scum of non-Jewish people, making it pure, no foreigners, no riff-raff, no gypsies BRIAN Shhh. Otto. OTTO What, the Leader? Hail Leader! BRIAN No no. Its dangerous. OTTO Oh, danger: There is no danger. (flicks his fingers) Men! A phalanx of armed rather sinister MEN appear from the shadows and fall in very impressively. OTTO Impressive, eh? BRIAN Yes. OTTO Yes, we are a thoroughly trained suicide squad.

BRIAN Ah-hah. OTTO Oh yes, we can commit suicide within twenty seconds. BRIAN Twenty seconds? OTTO You dont believe me? BRIAN Well yes OTTO I think you question me. BRIAN No. No. OTTO I can see you do not believe me. BRIAN No no, I do. OTTO Enough. I prove it to you. Squad. SQUAD Hail Leader. OTTO Co-mmit Suicide. They all pull out their swords with military precision and plunge them in to themselves in time, falling in a big heap on the ground. Dead. Blood everywhere. OTTO (with pride) See. BRIAN Yes, very nice, Otto. OTTO I think now you believe me, yes? BRIAN Yes. OTTO I think now I prove it to you huh?

BRIAN Yes, you certainly did. OTTO All dead. . BRIAN Yes. OTTO Not one living. BRIAN No. OTTO No cheating. Theyre quite dead. See I kick this one. Hes dead. And this ones dead, I tread on his head. Quite dead. And hes dead. And hes dead. All good dead Jewish boys, no foreigners. But they died a heros death, and their names will be remembered for ever. Helmut Johnny the little guy er the other fat one Their names will be remembered eventually for ever. And now I go. Hail Leader. BRIAN Wait Otto. Youre not going to leave them all here. OTTO But yes theyre all dead. One of the corpses farts. There is a giggle. Wait a minute. There is someone here who is not dead. There is somebody here who is only pretending to be dead. (moves to the pile of bodies) Stand up you. Sheepishly one of the bodies stands. As he does so he stands on someone else who quite clearly says Ow. OTTO Who said ow? Youre not dead either. Neither are you. Stand up, stand up, all of you. Oh my heck, is there not even one dead?

They have all stood up sheepishly. HELMUT No sir. Not one. OTTO Why not. ADOLF We thought it was a practise sir. OTTO But all the bleeding and the groaning. HELMUT Little secreted sheeps bladders sir. OTTO Oh my cock. Sheeps bladders. You know what you are. Youre a shower. A non-semitic, mutinous, racially impure, cloth-eared bunch of Romanlovers. They hang their heads in shame. HELMUT Sorry sir. OTTO Tomorrow as a punishment, you will all eat pork sausages. A horrified muttering. OTTO (to Brian) O.K. Tell the leader that we are ready to die for him whenever he gives the sign. BRIAN What sign? OTTO The sign that is the sign. That shall be the sign. Men, forward. BRIAN Silly bugger. 57 EXT. STREET DAY

OTTOS MEN march down the street, singing a song.

We follow them for a little, until they fade into the dark. They start singing quite loudly, but then have to be hushed. OTTOS MENS SONG Otto Otto We simply dont care why But were going to die For you Ottos mottos Carried at our head Death Will Make You dead Its true Cynics say were dotto For living in a grotto With Otto who gets blotto But Im afraid we gotto For Ottos mottos The truth on which we build He who will not die Simply must be killed A lot o. what o Otto says well try In any case Were going to die. 58 EXT. MANDYS GARDEN DAY

BRIAN drops down out of the tree and makes his way off. As he passes near the entrance to the garden he hears a voice. JUDITH (OOV) Brian. BRIAN hesitates, nearly goes on, but waves and turns back. JUDITH comes into view. She stops and looks at BRIAN in a new way. JUDITH Brian! Fantastic! She walks towards him. What you said just now was quite extraordinary. BRIAN Oh. He is very surprised he feels so pleased. JUDITH

We dont need leaders. Youre so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long. Its our revolution, we can all do it together. It needed saying and you said it. Were all behind you Brian. This knocks BRIAN sideways. BRIAN NO, no! JUDITH You cant stop now Brian! BRIAN I havent started. JUDITH The revolutions in your hands Brian. Suddenly!!! A Roman centurions arm claps itself on BRIANs shoulder. A group of ROMAN SOLDIERS surround him thrusting JUDITH brutally aside. CENTURION Youre fuckin nicked, my beauty. JUDITH struggles briefly with a SOLDIER but is thrown aside again as BRIAN is dragged off. She stares, the turns and runs back out of the garden, across to the back door of Mandys house. 59 INT. MANDYS LIVING ROOM DAY

JUDITH rushes through the door and up the stairs two at a time. JUDITH The Romans! REG, STAN, FRANCIS and others disappear like a flash. Theyve arrested Brian! She disappears into Brians bedroom. 60 INT/EXT. BRIANS BEDROOM DAY

JUDITH runs to the window. JUDITH Friends, comrades, the revolution is at hand. The hour is come. PEDANT The hour has come.

JUDITH The imperialist aggressors have arrested our leader. CROWD We havent a leader. JUDITH What? No, no, theyve arrested Brian. We must act together now. CROWD He told us not to. JUDITH But Im telling you, they will kill him. We must rescue him now. CROWD He told us not to do as we were told. JUDITH But dont you want to rescue him. CROWD Er MAN AT THE VERY BACK (shouting from far away) Well obviously some of us may but as we are now acting as individuals its impossible for us as individuals to vouch for any other individuals future behaviour at this moment in time. CROWD Hes right!!! 61 ANIMATION SEQUENCE CUT TO elaborate piece of animation which, after several hours of colour and movement, resolves itself into a mammoth caption: MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PART OF THE CITY OR THE NEXT DAY 62 INT. PILATES AUDIENCE CHAMBER DAY

CUT TO PILATEs audience chamber. Outside we can hear the sound of an excited crowd. PILATE is in full dress and with him is an even more impressive

looking Roman military personage. They are looking out of the window at the crowd. Much clanking as CENTURION-OF-THE-YARD enters. CENTURION Hail Caesar! PILATE Hail Caesar! He introduces his friend. Centurion, this is Biggus Dickus. He is to be our guest for a few days. Slight reaction from CENTURION but he is master of himself. CENTURION Hail, Caesar! BIGGUS Hail Thaether! CENTURION reacts more at BIGGUSs lisp. PILATE (picking up his rod of office in a businesslike fashion) Right, are we ready? He starts for the door, but the CENTURION catches him up. CENTURION I was going to suggest that you leave it for today, sir. PILATE Whatever for centurion? CENTURION (ill at ease) Er well the crowd are in a strange mood, sir. PILATE Twaditions must be wespected, centurion. No wabble will make me wetweat. BIGGUS Let me come with you, Pontiuth, I may be of thome athithtenthe is there ith a thudden crithith.

CENTURION (to himself) Oh no (he hurries after them) 63 INT. CELLS DAY

CUT TO BRIAN manacled, then reveal a line of PRISONERS shuffling forwards, their legs manacled together. BRIAN is at the back. CENTURION NISUS WETTUS is checking them off a list, as each one comes forward. NISUS Crucifixion? 1ST PRISONER Yes. NISUS Good right. Ticks him off. JAILER undoes the manacles. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each next Another PRISONER steps forward. Crucifixion? 2ND PRISONER Yes. NISUS Good Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each Next? Another PRISONER steps forward. Crucifixion? MR CHEEKY Er no freedom NISUS What? MR CHEEKY Er freedom for me They said I hadnt done anything so I could go free and live on an island somewhere. NISUS Really? (looks at book) Well thats jolly good In that

case (he goes to strike out name) MR CHEEKY No no its crucifixion really just pulling your leg. NISUS Oh (laughs forcedly) oh jolly good out of the door, line on the MR CHEEKY Yes I know the way on the left CUT TO 64 EXT. PILATES PALACE FORUM DAY

The impressive exterior of palace steps leading down to a forum. A line of GUARDS is struggling to keep back a surging crowd. A dozen men of the crack private guard have taken up strategic positions around the steps. A trumpeter appears on the top step and blows a fanfare. The CROWD quietens. PILATE and BIGGUS and the CENTURION appears at the top of the steps. PILATE People of Jerusalem! Silence falls. The CROWD are grinning expectantly. CUT TO CENTURION closing his eyes wiping sweat off his upper lip. The CROWD is generally in an ugly mood quite threatening, but there is a hard core at the back of rather cheeky louts. The ringleader of these is BOB HOSKINS. PILATE Wome is your fwend. A lot of the CROWD go at this point. The CENTURION looks away embarrassed. PILATE To pwove our fwiendship, it is twaditional, on your weccomendation, to welease a wong-doer. A good laugh. Who would you have me welease?

CENTURION bites his lip and looks heavenwards. He catches the eye of one GUARD who smiles broadly the CENTURION freezes him with a look. BOB HOSKINS (or some equally sharp little cockney mucker) Wodger! There are a few laughs and the crowd starts to pick this up immediately. CROWD Yes! Welease Wodger! Welease Wodger! We want Wodger! PILATE turns to the CENTURION, puzzled. PILATE Wodger? Who is this Wodger? CENTURION (desperately) Hes not anybody, sir. PILATE What do you mean, silly man? CENTURION (uncomfortably) We dont have anyone of that name, sir. PILATE (turning back to Crowd) We have no Wodger! CROWD jocular groans of disappointment. BOB HOSKINS (by now showing off, after a few drinks to his little gang of mates) The welease Wodewick! PILATE (turning to Centurion, with a commanding air) Welease Wodewick! Wight away! One or two SOLDIERS of the line behind him are stating to go at this point. CENTURION

Um we dont have a Roderick, sir. PILATE No Wodger!? No Wodewick?! (to crowd) Who is this Wodewick of whom you speak? VOICE FROM CROWD Hes a wobber! Crowd roars. Several people around him shake their heads at him. ANOTHER And a wapist! ANOTHER And a pickpocket OTHERS No. Sh! PILATE (to Centurion) Are you sure we have no Wodewick? CENTURION Yes sir. PILATE Have we anyone in our pwisons at all (almost to himself) I thought I had a weputation as wather a wepwessive wuler. CENTURION produces scroll. CENTURION Oh yes sir. The prisons full sir (referring to scroll) Weve got plenty of Samaritans, a couple of sooth sayers, six Syrians BIGGUS suddenly strides forward and grabs the scroll from the CENTURIONs hand. BIGGUS (impressively) Let me thpeak, Pontiuth. CENTURION No! But BIGGUS has swept forward.

65

INT.

CELLS DAY NISUS Crucifixion? PRISONER 86 Yes. NISUS Through the door on the left, one cross each. Thank you. BRIAN (from behind) Excuse me! NISUS Just a moment if you dont mind. How manys that jailer? JAILER What? NISUS How manys that? JAILER What? JAILERS ASSISTANT (who has been unlocking the manacles) Youll have to spea spea spea speak up, sir. Hes d hes d hes d hes d eaf as a ppost, sir. NISUS (very loudly to Jailer) HOW MANY HAVE COME THROUGH? JAILER (chuckles) Heh. Heh. NISUS Oh dear. BRIAN Please! JAILERS ASSISTANT (helpfully) I make it ninety f .f.f

ninetyf f.ffninety f ninety six sir. NISUS Oh dear, its such a waste of life isnt it? JAILERS ASSISTANT Not with these b bastards, sir. Ccccrucicrucicrucifffff crucifixions too good for em sir. NISUS I dont think you can say its too good for them. Its very nasty. JAILERS ASSISTANT Not as nnnasty as something I just thought up. NISUS (to Big Nose for it is he) Crucifixion? BIG NOSE Ah, thats what I wanted to talk to you about. JAILER (suddenly, conspiratorially) I know where to get it, if you want it. NISUS (confused) What? JAILERS ASSISTANT Dont worry about him. Hes d..deaf and mad, sir. NISUS How did he get the job? JAILERS ASSISTANT Bloody Pilates pet! MR CHEEKY (from outside) Get a move on, Big Nose, people waiting to be crucified out here! (laughs to himself) BIG NOSE (clenching fists)

Ooooooh! Oooooooh! Ill (turns back to Nisus) You see Thats what I have to put up with NISUS Yes door on the left, one cross each. Next? BRIAN shuffles up. Crucifixion? BRIAN Id like to see a lawyer. NISUS Do you have a lawyer. BRIAN No but I am Roman! MR CHEEKY (from outside) How about a retrial? Weve got time! ROMAN GUARD (clouting him) Shut up, you! Get in line! MR CHEEKY Im only sending him up. ROMAN GUARD Shut up! MR CHEEKY Miserable bloody Romans no sense of humour. CUT BACK INSIDE NISUS Yes, of course, outside, door on the left, one cross each. BRIAN is hustled out, protesting. 66 EXT. PILATES FORUM DAY

WE CUT BACK TO the Forum. All is as before except that the entire crowd is prone on the ground, rolling around with their legs in the air and clutching their sides in unrestrained anarchic hilarity at what has obviously been a feast of verbal ineptitude.

CUT TO C.U. of BIGGUS holding the scroll from which he has been reading. He looks mystified. He turns to the CENTURION. BIGGUS Wath it thomething I thiad? We notice one group at the back of the crowd who are not laughing. They have just arrived and are holding sandals above their heads. They are clearly BRIANITES. PILATE Silence! (points to Biggus) This man wanks as high as any man in Wome! I will not have him widiculed! BRIANITES Release Brian! We want Brian! Brian, Brian CROWD (still on floor) Yes! Welease Bwian! PILATE (waxing weally angwy) Listen! We have no Bwian! We have Saddacees [sic], Syrians CENTURION, gratefully seeing a way out. CENTURION We do have a Brian, sir. PILATE What! CENTURION We just brought him in, sir. PILATE Well welease him, centurion, what are you waiting for? CENTURION hares off, taking with him two of the GUARD. 67 EXT. PRISON YARD DAY

CUT TO Prison yard. NISUS addresses the ranks of crucifees. NISUS Alright! Crucifixion party They look up wearily from under their burden.

NISUS We will be on show as we go through the town, so lets not let the side down lets keep in a good straight line three paces between you and the man in front and a good steady pace Cross over your right shoulder back tight up against the crossbeam and youll be there before you know it. (to Assistant Centurion) Alright, Parvus! PARVUS Crucifixion party! party wait for it forrrward! They shuffle off with groans and creaks. As they move off there is a shout from inside the prison. BEN upside down at a grille window. BEN (inside) Lucky bastards! CUT TO BEN still shackled up, hanging by his wrists. Lucky jammy bastards! 68 EXT. HILLTOP DAY

CUT TO a strange looking man climbing to the top of an unidentifiable hill. When he reaches the top he produces a rabbit and a couple of other strange pieces of equipment and performs an odd little dance with them. 69 EXT. VALLEY DAY

In the valley below one of OTTOs men sees him and points upwards dramatically. OTTO appears beside him. OTTO It is the sign! The sign!! Men! To arms!! His men run out and start forming up. 70 EXT. MATTHIASS HOUSE DAY

CUT TO MATTHIASs house. In the street outside a few people are rushing past on their way to the Forum, led by one of their number who is grinning all over his face. The REVOLUTIONARIES emerge looking determined and set off in the opposite direction.

71

INT.

CELLS DAY

The CENTURION and TWO YOUNG GUARDS rush down the steps into the CELLS. The CENTURION notes that they have gone. CENTURION Where have they gone? JAILER Weve got lumps of it round the back. CENTURION What? JAILERS ASSISTANT Hes mm mmmm .mm mad, sir. CENTURION Where have they gone? JAILERS ASSISTANT Up the pppppppp.up the pp.. up the pp pppp CENTURION Oh! Come on. He races off followed by the GUARDS. JAILERS ASSISTANT (to the Jailer) Well go on with the story. JAILER Well I knew that shed never really fancied him so I thought to myself, Whats she after then? 72 EXT. STREETS DAY

Back to the procession of crosses trailing through the city. They are going up a particularly steep road. Some are already beginning to crack. One man, ALFONSO, seems to be making particularly heavy weather of it. A rather saintly passer-by comes up and quietly but authoritatively addresses him. SAINTLY PASSER-BY Let me shoulder your burden, brother. He takes ALFONSOs cross. ALFONSO Oh thank you He looks round then races off.

SAINTLY PASSER-BY Hey! He starts to put the cross down. ROMAN GUARD hastens up. GUARD Hey what dyou think youre doing? SAINTLY PASSER-BY Its not my cross. GUARD Shut up and get on with it! MR CHEEKY Aha! He ad you there! ANOTHER He got you all right! Great amusement the crucifees are immensely cheered by this incident. 73 EXT. STREETS DAY

CUT TO another busy market street. CENTURION and GUARDS rush round the corner. Elbowing people out of the way. Shouts of Bloody Romans. He sees an OLD BEGGAR cowering against a wall. CENTURION Did you see 140 people with crosses come through here? OLD BEGGAR Sorry Im not in this film. CENTURION looks around helplessly and then rushes on. 74 EXT. STREETS DAY

CUT TO a street: the REVOLUTIONARIES marching along. 75 EXT. HILLTOP DAY

CUT TO a hilltop over which OTTOS MEN appear at the double, singing their song. 76 EXT. CALVARY DAY

CUT TO Calvary. The last of the procession has just got there. Some crosses are already erected. Behind BRIAN is an old man. His name is MR FRISBY III (OLAF is only his first name).

PARVUS Get a move on there! MR FRISBY III Or what? PARVUS Or youll be in trouble. MR FRISBY III Oh dear! You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons PARVUS (irritated at having his logical short-coming pointed out) Shut up! MR FRISBY III That would be a blow I wouldnt have anything to do would I? He gets a thump on the top of his head from PARVUS. Thank you. 77 EXT. CALVARY DAY

Further up the lines of crosses. (In double or treble ranks) ROMAN troops try to keep the crowd back as far as possible. A lot of stalls are already set up. People buy things popcorn, etc. and sit down on the ground to watch the crucifixions. In some cases whole families have come along with picnics. Quite a carnival atmosphere. WIDE SHOT. We see a crucifix being raised up efficiently into position by two or three ROMAN SOLDIERS. They stand back. CUT TO BIG NOSE already on his cross. The cross is just being hauled up. PARVUS is supervising. BIG NOSE Ill get you for this, you bastard. PARVUS Oh yeah? BIG NOSE Oh yeah. Dont worry. I never forget a face. PARVUS

No? BIG NOSE Im going to definitely do you old son. PARVUS Oh yeah? You and whose army? BIG NOSE Oh I feel very sorry for you mate. Just wait till I get my hands on you. PARVUS Your hands are nailed up, Big Nose. BIG NOSE Ooh!! Right. I did warn you, youve had your chance. PARVUS Shut up Jew. Or Ill stick a spear in you. BIG NOSE Who you calling Jew? Im not a Jew. Im a Samaritan. Voice from the cross next door: JEW A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section. PARVUS It doesnt matter. Youre all going to die in a day or two. JEW It may not matter to you Roman, but it certainly matters to us, doesnt it darling? His WIFE on cross next to him nods in assent. People on the other crosses nod also. Murmurs of agreement. JEW Under the terms of the Roman occupancy we are entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area. PHARISEE Pharisees separate from Sadducees. PARVUS Alright. Well soon settle this.

Hands up those who dont want to be crucified here. They strain to put their hands up. Alright. Now just shut up the lot of you. Whos next? The kindly, Christ-like man who took MR CHEEKYs burden comes forward. PARVUS Lie down on the wood. SAINTLY PASSER-BY Its not my cross. PARVUS What? SAINTLY PASSER-BY Its not my cross. Im only looking after it for somebody. PARVUS Just lie down, I havent got all day. SAINTLY PASSER-BY Yes, of course. Look, I hate to make a fuss but PARVUS Look weve had a busy day Theres a hundred and forty of you lot to get up so lets just cut the rabbit and get on with it. PHARISEE Is he Jewish? PARVUS Will you be quiet? PHARISEE We dont want any more Samaritans around here. PARVUS Belt up. They push the cross on which the SAINTLY PASSER-BY is roped up into the air and start fixing it in its socket. SAINTLY PASSER-BY Er will you let me down if he comes back?

PARVUS (airily) Yes yes well let you down. Shakes his head at a colleague. Next! SAINTLY PASSER-BY I wonder PARVUS (angrily) What? SAINTLY PASSER-BY Sorry but do you think you could possibly send someone to look for him? Id be frightfully grateful. PARVUS Next! BRIAN is roughly grabbed and pushed down onto the cross. BRIAN (desperately) I like the Romans. Amo, Amos, Anat [sic], Gallia, Divisia est.. PARVUS Shutup BRIAN is down on the cross by now. The nail is put into position and a GUARD is just about to hammer it in when there is a shout from the far end of the line of crosses. The CENTURION appears with the TWO GUARDS. CENTURION Which one is Brian of Nazareth? I have an order here for his release. MR CHEEKY Im Brian of Nazareth. BRIAN What? MR CHEEKY Thats me, Im Brian. CENTURION Take him down then.

BRIAN Im Brian. ANOTHER No, Im Brian. AND ANOTHER Im Brian. AND ANOTHER Im Brian. ALL Im Brian, Im Brian, Im Brian. MR CHEEKY is down off the cross. CENTURION Take him and have him released. MR CHEEKY No, only joking. Im not really Brian. He is carried off by the SOLDIERS. Honestly, I was just pulling your leg. BRIAN No, hes not Brian. Im Brian. ALL THE CRUCIFEES Im Brian, Im Brian. 78 EXT. HILLSIDE OVERLOOKING CALVARY DAY

CUT TO the hillside. OTTOS MEN marching ferociously at the double. Singing their Otto song. 79 EXT. STREET DAY

CUT TO street. The REVOLUTIONARIES are marching determinedly along. 80 EXT. CALVARY DAY

BRIANs cross is raised up into SHOT. BRIAN in fear and agony. Slight pause. Voice from next door cross. MR FRISBY III See? Not so bad once yer up. BRIAN Oooh.

MR FRISBY III You being rescued are you? BRIAN Its a bit late now isnt it? MR FRISBY III Nah weve got a couple of days up here plenty of time lots of people get rescued. BRIAN Oh. MR FRISBY III My brother usually rescues me if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes BRIAN Oh. MR FRISBY III Randy little bugger Hes up and down like the Assyrian Empire! (laughs to himself) CUT BACK TO BRIAN. He looks down suddenly and sees the REVOLUTIONARIES approaching. REG steps forward. REG Hello, Sibling Brian. BRIAN Thank God youve come, Reg. REG I should point out first Brian, that we are not in fact the rescue committee (he unrolls a scroll) I have been asked, however to read the following statement (he clears his throat) We, the Peoples Front of Judea brackets Officials end brackets, do hereby offer our sincerest congratulations to you Brian on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. Some head nodding and murmurs of agreement from the others. BRIAN looks on horrified. BRIAN What?

REG Your death will stand as a great landmark in the continuing struggle to deliver our country once and for all from the hands of the Roman Imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with town drainage, roads, housing improvements, vintners and all Romans who have contributed to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the P.F.J. etc. (he rolls the scroll up again) Id just like to add a personal note of my own admiration for what you are doing for us at what must after all be, for you, Brian, a difficult time. He rolls up the scroll. BRIAN stares in disbelief. BRIAN Reg what are you? REG Goodbye, Brian, and thanks. They file past saying goodbye, patting him on knee. FRANCIS Goodbye, Brian. Well done. STAN Keep it up, Brian. Terrific. JUDITH Goodbye Brian. Ill never forget what youve done for all of us (she turns away, unable to say any more) BRIAN Judith. Judith!! They regroup a little way away, take their shoes off, wave them in the air: turn and sing: For Hes a Jolly Good Fellow. Suddenly he stares. CUT TO OTTO on the skyline. OTTO The signal! Charge!

They charge. CUT TO ROMANS seeing this formidable army bearing down on them. They finger their swords rather nervously and think about running away as there are only six or so of them. BRIANs face lights up with renewed hope as he sees OTTOs army. The army arrives under the cross swords held aloft. The ROMANS have all retreated to a safe distance. OTTO (to Brian) Leader! We salute you. Men! Die for your cause! With immaculate precision they all run themselves through including OTTO. OTTO You see. Every man a hero. They died for their country. BRIAN You silly sods. Suddenly BRIANs mother has appeared. She looks up at BRIAN. MANDY So there you are! Well dont say I didnt warn you. I told you but oh no, you wouldnt listen to me, would you? Well if thats the way you treat you old mother, all I can say to you is go ahead, be crucified To think of everything Ive done for you! And this is the thanks I get. (she turns and walks away) Well, dont come running to me. BRIAN (brokenly) Mummy Mummy MR FRISBY III Cheer up Brian LONE VOICE Im looking on the bright side Intro: Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad Other things just make you swear and curse When chewing on lifes gristle

Dont grumble, give a whistle And thisll help things turn out for the best. Strict Tempo: And always look on the bright side of life.. (Whistle) Always look on the light side of life (Whistle) If life seems jolly rotten Theres something youve forgotten And thats to laugh and smile and dance and sing, When youre feeling in the dumps, dont be silly chumps, Just purse your lips and whistle thats the thing. And always look on the bright side of life (Whistle) Always look on the right side of life (Whistle) For life is quite absurd And deaths the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow Forget about your sin give the audience a grin Enjoy it its your last chance anyhow. So always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath Lifes a piece of shit When you look at it Lifes a laugh and deaths a joke, its true, Youll see its all a show, Keep em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And always look on the bright side of life (Whistle) Always look on the right side of life (Whistle) Whistle and vamp till end. FADE