Whither Thou Goest

Whither Thou Goest
A Contemporary Love Story

Leonard Levin 1993
Contents
1. A New Co-Worker ............................................................................. 4 2. Breakfast at the Joneses .................................................................... 8 3. Murphys Law on the Slopes.......................................................... 13 4. The Ace in the Hole ......................................................................... 20 5. Leap of Trust..................................................................................... 24 6. Making Magic................................................................................... 27 7. Ash Wednesday ............................................................................... 30 8. Rejoice With Trembling................................................................... 35 9. The Cushite Woman ........................................................................ 38 10. Ernest in the Lions Den .................................................................. 42 11. Settling In .......................................................................................... 46 12. Academic Considerations ............................................................... 48 13. Ghosts ................................................................................................ 52 14. Moment of Truth.............................................................................. 55 15. Festival of Lights .............................................................................. 57 16. Irene ................................................................................................... 62 17. CHIPS on the Rocks......................................................................... 64 18. Christmas .......................................................................................... 67 19. The Suffering Servant ...................................................................... 72
A New Co-Worker
20. At the Art Gallery ............................................................................ 75 21. Elies Lament .................................................................................... 80 22. Ernest at the Crossroads.................................................................. 84 23. A Holy People................................................................................... 87 24. At The Deli ........................................................................................ 97 25. Forty Days ....................................................................................... 105 26. Sherrys Passion ............................................................................. 110 27. Passover........................................................................................... 114
Leonard Levin July 12, 2006
A New Co-Worker
He was instantly attracted to her hair, fresh, golden, and abundant as it radiated from the back of her head in all directions and down to her shoulders. How I would love to stretch out my hand and stroke it, Elie thought. Bury both my hands in her hair and draw her to me. But his hands stayed rigid. He was the last person in the world to act on that kind of impulse. Studious and shy, too much the gentleman, awkward and bumbling when it mattered most, here he was turning thirty and had yet to know a really satisfying intimate relationship with a woman. No danger of anyone pressing harassment charges against me, he thought (with a twinge of regret). But it would be so nice to look over her in the cubicle opposite mine to warm my fancy on these cold October days. Is she the new hire Mike promised? I see you didnt call this project Teachers PET for nothing! Dick Mueller surprised Elie from behind and slapped a hand on his shoulder. Whos the new heart-throb? The woman turned toward them, and her laughing blue eyes, rosy round cheeks, and cheery smile more than met his expectations. Hi, Im Sherry Szymanski. Im starting work today for you. Omicron Consultants? Youve come to the right address! Dick said. Im Dick Mueller, LAN coordinator, and this is Elie Kuhnweiss, wizard in residence, with whom youll be sharing this cubicle. Lucky guy! Elie is the brilliant sun of this outfit, around whom us lesser planets circle in humble admiration. Get off it, Dick! Elie screwed up his face in disbelief. He turned to Sherry and said, Dont listen to that joker. Its true! Dick said. Your name is on every program here. That just means Ive stuck around here too long. Elie glanced down, trying to conceal his pleasure at Dicks compliments, which if pressed he would have to admit had a grain of truth. I like it here, and cant get up the initiative to pursue bigger and better opportunities. So Ive become the memory bank. I know where everything is, and people come to me for questions. But were a team, and everyone pulls their weight Dick, Karen, Pete, Mike. Im sure you will, too, Sherry. If half of what your references say about you is true, we have big things to look forward to you from you. But let me show you around the team. Heres Karen OBrien. Karen has been with us for four years. She used to be a school-teacher. He gestured to a pleasantlyplump woman in a print dress. Welcome to Teachers PET! Karen greeted Sherry. Sherry looked puzzled. Everybodys talking about teachers pet today. Whos the teachers pet? Whos the teacher?
A New Co-Worker
Karen laughed. Thats just the name of our latest project. P.E.T. is an acronym for Programmable Educational Toolkit. Were writing a software package that will provide everything I wished I had when I was a teacher. It will help develop lesson plans and whole curricula, generate work sheets for any level of study in math, measure the reading level of any reading material, calculate grade-point averages, produce exams, and write report cards. It would have saved me hours of work a week if it had been available five years ago. As you see, Karen has taken a special interest in this project, Elie said. The final product will be incredibly better because of her. She was a super teacher, and now shes a super analyst. She knows what a teacher really needs, and whatever she tells us, we put into it. Can a teacher use this product to create and grade her own multiple-choice tests? Sherry asked. Of course, Elie said. Well go one step further than that. Do you remember the old SAT tests, where you filled in the boxes in pencil and the machine would read your answer sheet? Let me guess this system will print out exam forms custom-designed for every teacher, and then score them electronically? Princeton Educational Testing Services on a PC? Thats right. What was the one thing you hated most about those tests? There was only one correct answer. Another answer could be close, or just as good, and youd get no credit at all for selecting it. Well, all that will change in our package. The teacher can select two answers as correct, or give full credit to one and partial credit to another. But how are you going to get the answers from the students answer-sheet into the computer? Thats going to be your first assignment. Here on my desk is a page scanner, which costs about $700 from the warehouse, and reads a standard 8-1/2x11 document. He showed her a sleek grey unit the size of a laptop. A mischievous thought occurred to Elie. He would ask her to explain to him how the scanning program would work. Well see if shes as good as all those glowing references said. You must have seen or heard about this kind of contraption before. Can you explain to me how it works, and how you would write a program to receive the input from the scanner and grade the paper? Sherry looked at Elie, then at Dick, then at the scanner. She took a deep breath, folded her hands, and began: Well, youd have to show me the specifications first. But let me guess that it would have a scanning beam like a TV camera, that would scan the two-dimensional area and resolve it into a string of bits, zero for white and one for black, or vice-versa. Ideally it should store these in a two-dimensional matrix, with x,y coordinates. Somewhere else in this system, you have the program that wrote the exam-sheet itself. That program should define a table for the layout of the exam, saying the answers for Question #1 will be in this location, for
Whither Thou Goest
Question #2 in that location, and so on. Now along comes this second program, and uses the same table definition. You run the exam through the scanner, and it outputs a bit-map, breaking down the exam sheet into a string of black and white dots. The program reads the bit-map, and examines the locations where according to the table-definition it should find the four answer boxes for Question #1. Three of those should be mostly white dots, and one of them mostly black dots. If none are filled in, or more than one is filled in, the student gets no credit at all. If exactly one box was filled in, the program checks the answer-grid to see if the teacher marked that answer as right, wrong, or partial credit. Repeat the procedure for each question. When done, add up the correct answers, divide by the total questions, convert to percent, and you have the score. Voil! She spread her arms and bowed theatrically. Dick let out a wolf-whistle. Talk about technically correct! Pete Hammer himself couldnt have done better. Pete who? Elie pointed to Petes cubicle. There he is, two desks down. Pete, meet Sherry Szymanski, our new programmer-analyst. A retiring, heavy-set man in grey crew-cut and blue cardigan sweater looked up briefly at them, grumpily cleared his throat, then went back to his work. Pete is the only member of the team who can look at a memory dump of hexadecimal digits and read it as a machine would. Hes been working in computer programming for over 25 years. Elie and Dick exchanged glances. Pete was extremely competent in a kind of technical expertise for which there was less and less market. However, he was a hard, honest worker and the sole support of his family. Elie handed Sherry a bundle of documents. Let me know if you have any questions, he said. Ill be fine! she answered. Sherry had her work cut out for her, and she dug right in, familiarizing herself with the system from the documents Elie had provided. Elie gazed at the wall, and conjured up an image of Sherry explaining the logic of the scanner. He smiled at how quickly she had become imprinted on his memory. How fortunate that she shared his cubicle! Such grace, poise, and charm and so close! He should not let such a rare opportunity go to waste.
*****
Before they knew it, it was nearly noon. Right on schedule, he heard Dicks call over the partition wall: Anybody hungry? The team looked forward to lunch time as an opportunity to give the number-crunching sides of their brains a rest and share feelings and observations on more personal matters. They took the elevator down to Francess Cafeteria, which was located just off the lobby of their building.
A New Co-Worker
Elie looked over the steam-table offerings: meat loaf, linguini with scallops, and baked ham. Nothing appealed to him. He chose a hamburger from the grill. Sherry opted for the baked ham, with a ring of pineapple on it. Elie suddenly felt the ardor of his infatuation cooled as if dunked in a cold shower. Though he had tasted ham on numerous occasions, and could easily understand why someone would find it a delectable entree for lunch on a nippy October day, his Jewish conscience suddenly woke up (it had been sleeping soundly the whole morning until now). He imagined how his friend Avi Frum, the kosher deli owner, would berate him if he knew: You idiot! What did you expect? Its no use getting yourself worked up over that kind of woman. There are certain differences between you and her that just cant be worked out. Youre Jewish, and you can tell by looking at her that shes not. Probably Polish Catholic. You may not be a loyal, totally 100% observant Jew, but you feel the tug of Jewish loyalty when it matters. Its totally OK for her to eat ham, because theres no Sinai covenant binding her. But you feel the Jewish loyalty enough to stay away from ham-withpineapple and linguini-with-scallops. What kind of a home do you imagine youll make with her? What kind of kitchen? But Avi! (Elie answered the Avi-voice inside himself.) The hamburger Im eating isnt kosher either, and youre not making such a big fuss about that. Nobody marries their exact twin. There are always differences between people that they have to work out. Its not so easy to meet the right person, whoever that is. Im twenty-nine now, and not getting any younger. Id like to give her a chance. She strikes me as a decent person, and so far were getting along quite well. (And feeling that strange, indefinable rush again its been years ) And so the first stirrings of resolve in Elie dissolved and gave way to his long-ingrained habit of crippling ambivalence. Instead of putting his mark on the conversation, he sat back and listened to the others ramble on from news to sports to weekend activities. Yes, Sherry had been to church that Sunday St. Stephens Church, with the baroque facade. Karen OBrien remarked that she had been inside it a couple of times for friends weddings, and she admired the murals inside. Ive seen it from the outside, Elie thought its quite impressive. Never been inside. But he just smiled and nodded, and kept his thoughts to himself.
Breakfast at the Joneses

The office of Omicron Consultants was a buzz for weeks after Sherrys arrival. On one typical day, she pounded energetically at her keyboard for a half hour, then proudly presented her draft to Dick Mueller, two desks away, discussing with him how her scanner should talk to his network. The two of them exchanged ideas animatedly for five minutes, at which point Dick called across the room, Hey, Karen! Karen, who always seemed surprised that others should value her opinion, piped back, Who, me? Everyone for several desks around responded with a chorus of Yes, you! So not only Karen, but Pete, Lillian, and Henry pulled up chairs and became part of the discussion around a white vinyl board on the wall by Dicks desk. As soon as one person had an idea, someone else would object. After several such exchanges, someone suggested, Bring in Elie! The call was echoed across the team. Elie had been trying to pursue his own thoughts against this background noise for the past several minutes, but he yielded to the draft. He stood up from his desk and crossed the room, walked up to the board, and raised his hands to quiet them. Whats the question of the day? Elie asked. The question, Pete said, is how were all supposed to talk the same language. In the olden times, on the mainframe, all the programs plugged into the same database, and you got your PSB and PCB from the DBA, which kept you on track so you were always playing by the same rules. But today, anything goes, and nothing fits. It seems Karen developed an exam-writing program with one file format, and I was using a different format to generate math problems, and Sherry started out the scanning program with yet a third set of assumptions, and when you try to get them talking to each other, the result is total confusion! Okay, said Elie, lets sort it all out. He took two markers, one red, one black, and stepped over to the white board. Carefully, he started drawing boxes connected with lines, putting all the pieces together in a neat diagram. The starting point is the class outline. Thats Hanks job. Karen, you start with his specs, and you build the exam kernels from there. Pete, take a format of a math exam from Karen, and use it to build your math exercises. Sherry, your piece comes last, and has to conform to everything that all the others have developed. So take finished examples from them, and be sure what you build is compatible with them. He talked through the specifics of each of the different system modules as he drew them into the matrix. When he was finished, the white board was filled with the pieces of the solution. He stood back from his artwork, and offered it to the group with a modest bow. Dick crowed, Chalk one up for the Wizard! They all murmured approval, and returned to their individual assignments. Elie appreciated the boost to his ego from sessions like these. He liked feeling needed and appreciated. But the daily interruptions not to mention the more frequent distractions of phone calls, questions, and minor emergencies were disrupting his flow of thought on a project dear to his heart. Finally he conceived a plan for his escape. He approached the group manager Mike Johnson in his office, and closed the door. In a few minutes, with quiet urgency, he made his request. Thats a great idea! Mike replied. You can start tomorrow.
******
The next day, instead of reporting to the office, Elie took the bus three more stops and walked across the street to the Olde Canterbury Inn. As he approached the door, a lanky, pinkcheeked youth in blue livery opened the door for him. The mahogany woodwork and flowered burgundy wallpaper in the lobby were time-worn but respectable. Elie stepped into the restaurant, past the Please Seat Yourself sign, to a table whose faded upholstered wall-seat seemed to bear the imprint of his many previous visits. Though there were few customers, he had to wait several minutes before he got the attention of the petite, dark-haired waitress with the middle-European accent. Coffee, Mr. Kuhnweiss? Yes, coffee, please, Maria. He smiled and nodded at her. He took out his yellow lined pad and pen. He knew he would be welcome to sit and work here as long as he wanted. She poured him the coffee, a rich, dark brew. He liked it bitter and sweet, with two teaspoons of sugar. He savored the aroma in his nostrils. He picked up his pen, and was transported to the world of his creative imagining. As Elie wrote, it was nearly 7:00 a.m. at the Joneses, and the smell of that coffee was permeating the house, thanks to the latest advances in home computer technology. The coffeemaker is wired to the central brain, which tells it to start brewing every weekday (except holidays) at 6:45 sharp. At precisely 7:00, the chimes of a grandfather clock sound on the intercom. Within seconds, there are radios playing in all the bedrooms classical music in Mom and Dads, light rock in Beckys, alternative music in Toms. At the same time, the bath water starts running in the tub, first warming up, then filling the tub and adjusting the hot and cold water flow so that the tub water is a comfortable 103 degrees. No one is too cold getting out of bed, for the smart thermostat (under control of the big boss) turned the heat up at 6:30. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, each appliance kicks in on schedule the stovetop for oatmeal at 7:10, the microwave with sausage and pancakes at 7:30. At 7:55 the kids hear Moms voice on the intercom, Time to finish up and get ready for the school bus but Mom is relaxing over her coffee, for the announcement (recorded in her voice) was automatically played back right on schedule. After breakfast, Mrs. Jones consults the computer on various meal possibilities for dinner. She can zoom from a high-level selection (meat, chicken, fish, or vegetarian) to specific entrees and complements, down to the recipes and ingredients for each. If any ingredients are not in stock, she can place these on the grocery order list, to be wired or faxed to the supermarket during the day for delivery late afternoon. Or she can take items out of the freezer and put in them in the microwave or regular oven, to be cooked under computer control at the appropriate times. If she gets too carried away by all this, the computer will remind her that she has to get herself ready to leave the house in 15 minutes for her own job.
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Whither Thou Goest
By 9:00 everyone has left for school or work. The burglar alarm is automatically turned on when the garage door closes, the thermostat resets itself to 60, and the VCR is all ready to program a talk show at 10:00 and a soap opera at 2:00 in the afternoon. The downstairs and outside lights will go on as soon as it is dark outside. Tonight the computer will remind Becky that it is her day to set out breakfast for tomorrow morning, and that it is Toms responsibility to set out the garbage for tomorrows collection. Every day Mom and Dad will wake up to a different radio station according to the schedule they have requested, and the music will never be too loud, for the volume is automatically controlled. If their preferences change, all they need to do is bring up the schedule on the master console and indicate their changes. They will never be awakened too early on weekends and holidays, for the computers calendar-sensitive programming takes all this into consideration. To impress their guests at dinner on special occasions, they will add a special touch. When the food is finished cooking, a crisp, male English-accented voice will come over the intercom: Dinner is ready, Madam. And Mrs. Jones will reply with a smile, Thank you, Mr. CHIPS. Mr. CHIPS the acronym stood for Cybernetic Home Intelligence Programming System. The vision was appealing. But the obstacles were formidable. Elie guessed that it could take several years for this vision to be fully realized. There were a lot of individual smart appliances on the market today (VCRs, microwaves, etc.), but he would have to break through a lot of corporate resistance to persuade manufacturers like Sony or General Electric to open their devices to talk to a central controller. They might not do this with an unknown developer like himself with an unproven idea and no market share. On the other hand, how could he sell the product and establish that market share if the controller couldnt already talk to all your common household appliances? It was the problem of the chicken and the egg. As for the automatic bathtub, he knew that public bathrooms (especially at the airport) had automatic water control, but was this maybe a bit much for the average home? How could a small consulting firm like Omicron even conceive of getting into the manufacture of the large array of appliances that would be necessary to convince the Joneses (or even the Trumps) to put their money on the counter? But Omicron didnt have to manufacture all the appliances. It just had to get a working model of the controller in place, and persuade other companies that made the appliances to modify their products so they could hook into the network. The prototype network had to be extremely simple. Start with light switches and a thermostat. Add a standard, no-frills coffeemaker and an ordinary radio. Forget about clock radios and automatic coffeemakers - it would be easier for Mr. CHIPS to just tell them Turn on! or Turn off! than to have to worry about their own internal clocks and schedules. Elie would get the system up and running with just these simple capabilities. Then he would approach the manufacturers of VCRs, microwaves, and burglar alarms and convince them that their devices should learn to talk to one another. So much for the strategy. Now he had to design the architecture of Mr. CHIPSs mind, that would make it all happen. Mr. CHIPS was going to be a very highly organized, compulsive little guy, who kept lots of lists, and kept looking at his watch and checking his lists to see if there
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was anything he should be doing right now. Elie had to decide how many lists Mr. CHIPS needed to do his job right. First, there was the list of devices that Mr. CHIPS controlled however many light switches, radios, VCRs, stovetop burners, bathtubs, burglar alarm, intercom, etc. Second, there was the list of standing and special requests that the Joneses instructed Mr. CHIPS to perform for them: at 7:00 a.m. turn on the radio, at 7:05 the lights in the kids rooms, etc. Every request could be general (do this every day), or it could have exceptions (dont do it on weekends and holidays). It could go into any degree of detail (turn on the classical music station on Mondays, soft rock on Tuesdays, news on Wednesdays, and dont make it too loud). This was going to be the most complicated list, and Elie would have to put a lot of work into it. Third, Mr. CHIPS would have to keep a correct calendar, with all days of the week and holidays marked. He could calculate the days of the week for himself. The Joneses would have to instruct him which holidays they kept, depending on their work and vacation schedule, and what religious or national holidays they observed. Fourth, Mr. CHIPS would have to keep an accurate list of every request he had already performed. This could have bearing on what he should do next. For instance, if he already turned the lights on at 4:00 p.m. because it was getting dark, he could ignore a request to turn them on at 5:00 p.m. in case they had not been turned on yet. Fifth, Mr. CHIPS would keep a list of special words that would make communication easier with his human employers. If they told him that kids bedtime was 9:30 p.m., this would have bearing on a whole set of requests that had to be performed 30 minutes before kids bedtime, 15 minutes after kids bedtime, and so forth. Just telling him to change the kids bedtime to 10:00 p.m. would automatically change the scheduling of all those requests. And of course Mr. CHIPS would have to have a clock, to keep track of what time it was and what day it was, to be sure he was doing the right thing at the right time. But in addition to being a little man of many lists, Mr. CHIPS would also have to be able to speak many languages! There would be one language for talking to the Joneses. There would be a very simple language for talking to light switches (turn on, turn off). There would be more complicated languages for talking to microwaves, burglar alarms, and VCRs and this would depend on the actual models of the particular devices he was talking to. Somewhere Elie would have to build translators to translate from one language to another, and this could be the most technically challenging part of the project.
******
When Mike saw Elies write-up of the design and project plan two weeks later, he was more than pleased. It looks great! We should move forward on this full speed ahead. I want you to double up on this now. Once you get into the detail design work, it needs at least two people with different points of view to avoid blind spots and cover all possibilities. Whos on your team now who is sharp as a whistle and has an open mind to come up with creative ideas?
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Whither Thou Goest
Elie knew someone who fit that description, but he hesitated to name that person. Mike persisted: That woman who just started working here a couple of months ago, the one who wrote the test scanning program for Teachers PET... Elie inwardly thanked Mike for forcing his hand. You see, Avi, its not my fault. He supplied Mike with the name: Sherry Szymanski.
Murphys Law on the Slopes

Boy, did it feel good to get away from the city! Elie let his head stretch back over the rear passenger seat, and slowly exhaled all the nervous tensions that he had been storing up for the past week. The Mr. CHIPS project was fun work in the biggest way, but it left his brain limp as a wet rag. Even looking at the buildings of the city was an arduous effort. Too complex. Elie was now in the back seat of Felix Lerners car, riding towards the ski slopes. Esther Freed was in the front passenger seat. As they crossed the state line, suburbs gave way to flat, white spaces. Like a Mondrian. Simplicity. Totally relaxing. Soothing to frayed nerves. Leave the driving to Felix. Elie, youre so mellowed out back there, I hope you dont melt into a puddle on the floor before we get to the ski lodge! Elie opened a lazy eye and caught Esthers reproachful frown, betrayed by her laughing upper lip. Its Shabbat, Esther. One thing Ive learned from you guys is that I dont have to feel guilty if one day out of seven I do absolutely nothing. The system can go to hell in a handbasket, and Ill just let it stay splattered until Monday morning, unless some other poor sucker calls me in on a Sunday to fix it. I may be a slave to technology the rest of the week, but today Im called to higher things. Like dozing off into total oblivion. Ive earned it, okay? Youve earned it, Felix has earned it. Weve all earned it. Dont pretend to be so righteous, when were all playing hooky from our Torah discussion group! Give me a break! Avi and Sarah were invited out of town to a Bar Mitzvah, and we all decided it was a golden opportunity to experience God in His real habitat instead of reading about Him indoors. You came up with the idea yourself. Look whos talking about righteous! Felix joined in while keeping his eyes on the road: I hate to break this to you both, but it says in the Ethics of the Fathers that whoever stops reciting his studies in order to admire the beauties of nature, deserves to die. Esther retorted: Well, Ill say that whoever can turn her back on Gods creation has not learned how to live! What kind of kill-joy rabbi was it who said that, anyway? And am I alone in this, or didnt you say yourself only a few weeks ago that the author of Job must have sniffed the fragrant beauties of the Judean hills every morning before breakfast? It seems to me that one of the Psalms captures the feel of this winter day. I cant put my finger on it. Felix, you must know what I mean, you seem to have the whole prayer book memorized He lays down snow like fleece, scatters frost like ashes. He tosses down hail like crumbs who can endure His icy cold? Felix opened the floor-vent of the car for emphasis.
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Whither Thou Goest
Fiend in the guise of a philosopher! Esther cried. I thought you came out here in pursuit of the authentic experience, Felix said. But not to catch pneumonia! Just checking it out. We aim to please! Felix closed the vent. It occurred to Elie that Felix and Esther were ribbing each other in part for fun, and in part to camouflage a new-found tenderness that they were shy of displaying too blatantly before him. This was confirmed when Esther drifted into reverie, her eyes on Felix, then as if suddenly aware of Elies presence, she startled and blushed. Elie passed over her embarrassment and picked up the thread: Youre not missing our Torah discussion at all, youre just taking it on the road. Old habits die hard. By the way, how long is it now that weve been meeting every Saturday afternoon at Avis and Sarahs? Close to two years by now, Felix volunteered. Wasnt it around Purim, late in February, that Ernest went into the Frums deli for some hamantaschen And he got into such a long-involved discussion with Avi about pastries in the Middle Ages, that Sarah was about ready to kill them both! Esther mimicked Sarahs scold: You want to hock a cheinick about where hamantaschen came from, let the professor come around on Shabbos, you can both talk all you want, but dont make my customers wait for the Messiah! Theyve got to get their goodies and be on their way. Its Purim tonight! So he came around that Shabbat afternoon, Felix concluded. And hes hardly missed a week since. What made you decide to get involved with the group, Esther? Elie asked. I was taking a class in Martin Buber that Ernest was giving at Middlestate College. Existentialist! That figures. everything, whether its politics, art Youre always looking for the deeper meaning to
As far as Im concerned, politics has been dead since Watergate, and modern art has lost its mind. So I decided to give religion one last chance. Ernest said something in class about a life lived in the presence of holiness. I said to him after class, that sounds very noble, but does he know anybody who really lives that way? He said, yes, hed just met a couple of people whom that described pretty well. I said, Id like to meet them. The next Thursday after class, he told me Id been invited for Saturday afternoon to the Frums lunch included. And youve hardly missed a week since. Have you found what you were looking for?
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You mean, have they cured me of my basic agnosticism? No, but theres a certain something about them, an inner peace that when Im around them, it puts my post-modern demons to rest. And whats more, I find them very undemanding. They accept me where Im at and share their own views without trying to convert me. So Elie, how did you discover the group? Felix asked, glancing in the rear-view mirror. You know, Ive told you before. Id like to hear it again. I was invited to a wedding of a former roommate. I had to buy them a present. I thought to myself, this friend of mine adores art, and I remembered passing by this quiet art gallery in the neighborhood off campus That was my gallery, which I had just bought from Julia! Esther interjected. So I drove out there, and walked in. I saw some paintings that were a bit unusual, and I made a few comments. Thats typical Elie-understatement. Let me tell you, Felix, how this really happened. None of the usual garbage about how, Oh, this ones so nice, it will match the French blue sofa, or integrate the colors in the room! Elie goes up to a painting, he drinks it in with his eyes. Then he goes straight for the message. For him, every art-work is making a statement, whether the artist actually intended it or not. The world is Gods nursery the chaos of a three-year-old. Or: Quaaludes on a Sunday afternoon. Finally he settles on my very favorite painting in the whole store metallic blue, steel-and-glass cubes over most of the canvas, except for the lowerleft corner, where there is a naked baby, whose radiance casts an orange glow upward. Do you remember what you said, Elie? Something about the bleakness of a modern cityscape? You said, In a world without spirit, a baby gives hope. Thats when I knew you had to try out our group. And after trying it out for a few weeks, I decided to invite Felix, who was supporting his philosophy by doing some temporary programming for us. But I had no idea you two had met before. Let me tell you, it was the biggest shock, to see you bring Felix, of all people. I hadnt seen him since college. Esther turned to Felix: I didnt know if you had remembered me, if I had made any impression on you back then. Oh, yes, I remembered you quite well. We were on different paths, but bumped into each other a few times. Your hair was longer then.
16
Whither Thou Goest
Esther lowered her eyes. Elie remembered how Esther had confided about her illness at the end of college, which had left her wasted and infertile. Felix put his right hand on Esthers, while steering with his left. Im sorry. I didnt want to remind you of that. Its okay. It wasnt, really. But the white hills loomed ahead. A quarter-hour later, they were winding up the side of a mountain. Soon they were at the ski resort. They rented their skis and boots. Felix and Esther stayed at the beginners slopes. Elie went to the intermediate level. They agreed to meet an hour later for lunch. After lunch, Esther said she had had enough excitement for the day, but would stay on for her friends sake. Felix and Esther returned to the beginners slope. Elie decided to try the advanced slope. Things had been going well for him lately, and he was feeling ambitious and euphoric. He took the ski-lift to the top and looked down. The panoramic view took his breath away. His scientific-skeptical mind told him how glacial action had carved out these yawning chasms between the mountain peaks, and how the slowest motions of vast masses of land over millennia had built up these awesome formations. The greatest achievements of modern architecture seemed puny and uninspired in comparison with these masterpieces in stone. And yet (he marveled), the mountains and glaciers indeed, all the landscape formations and ocean floors on this earth (and in whatever billions of planets there may be in these galaxies) they all obeyed a blind law of nature, chaotic regularity captured in mathematical equations by Mandelbrot, which determined their course without regard for the beautiful effects they have on us. It was not the first time he had mused on this, yet he continued to be amazed at it. Now he was letting himself go, to become a moving part of that landscape he so admired. The thought filled him with ecstasy Crash! All of a sudden he was in a place he knew he shouldnt be, lying motionless by the side of some evergreen bushes, about fifteen feet off the trail, his skis knocked off, his left leg propped upward at an impossible angle against a huge rock, with sharp pain running up and down that leg. Fortunately, he was spotted soon by the resort staff, and the medical aides came by with a stretcher. They carried him slowly, gently into the stretcher, with Elie protesting in pain every time they touched his leg. They carried the stretcher, with Elie in it, slowly down the hill. Soon they had delivered him to the lodge. Are you with anyone here? With Felix Lerner and Esther Freed, my friends. Do you know where they would be right now? On the beginners slope. They paged Felix and Esther. Within ten minutes, they were at Elies side. What happened to you, old pal? Felix asked plaintively.
17
I thought I could fly. For a while, I was flying. I must have landed pretty hard, right on my left leg. It hurts like the devil. I thought you didnt believe in the devil! I do now. Owwwww! The paramedics recommended that Elie be taken immediately to the Good Samaritan Hospital. They all agreed to this. Elie was taken in an ambulance. Felix and Esther followed by car. At the hospital, they took X-rays and did a complete examination. Elie had suffered an upper-leg fracture and extensive knee and ankle damage. It was agreed he would stay at the Good Samaritan Hospital to mend for a week, then be transferred to another hospital nearer to home. Felix and Esther stayed with him through dinner time. Elie instructed Felix to call Omicron Consultants Monday morning to inform them of his status. Then Felix and Esther bade Elie a heartfelt good-bye and drove back to the city. As Elie lay in bed that night (and for the next few nights), his mind was mostly too sedated from pain medications to be thinking about anything. But in those few moments that he emerged into semi-consciousness, the following thoughts kept recurring rhythmically, in counterpoint to the throbbing in his leg: Avi to Elie: You know you shouldnt have gone skiing on the Sabbath! Elie to Avi: You old fool, if you werent such a good friend of mine, Id clobber you. And Elie to Sherry: Youre not going to believe this....
*******
Late Saturday night, Avi Frum drove his station-wagon into his driveway. It had been a marvelous Bar Mitzvah. His nephew Danny had looked so grown-up, and had chanted the Hebrew readings from the Torah and prophets with confidence and mastery. A years work of preparation for a half hour on the bimah. And the meal! Not bad, but being in the business himself, he could give the caterer some suggestions for improvements. A little less sugar in the kugel, and add some pineapple juice to give it more character. Well, it was time now to transfer his sleeping darlings from the back seat to their beds, and check for phone messages. Felixs voice on the recording what would he be calling about on a Saturday night? He listened with curiosity, then concern, and finally alarm. Sareleh, did you hear this? It seems that Felix, Esther, and Elie went out skiing today, and Elie broke his leg!
18
Whither Thou Goest
On Shabbat? Yes, of course. You know theyre not totally observant. It should be a warning to all of us! A judgment from heaven! Avi smiled tolerantly at his wife, who despite a good twentieth-century education in the best Modern Orthodox schools, could be as superstitious as her grandmother. Lets leave it to the Almighty to make that determination. I say, next time Elie should look more carefully where his toes are pointing. No matter! Whats done is done. The main thing is that he should know who his friends are, and that we wish him a rfua shleima, a perfect healing. Ill write him a letter. See if you can pack him some mandelbrot and cookies. He wrote: Dear Elie, Were so sorry to hear what happened to you! Distance prevents us from fulfilling the mitzvah of bikur cholim (visiting the sick) in person, but were doing the best we can by sending you some of Sarahs goodies. Its only natural after a calamity of this sort to blame yourself (maybe if you had been more careful, or hadnt gone skiing on the Sabbath, or G-d knows what). Get those thoughts out of your head! The suffering youve endured more than atones for any sins you may have committed. Anyway, thats your private reckoning between you and G-d. From now on, only good things and good thoughts! The Torah reading we would have discussed last Shabbat was Vayechi, and it contains Jacobs blessings for all his sons (Genesis Chapter 49). We wish that all those blessings come on you, and that you have a speedy and complete recovery and return to us soon. Your friends, Avi & Sarah Avi, you old bastard! Elie said to himself on receiving this letter. How is it that you could read my mind, and guessed that I was blaming myself (through you) for skiing on the Sabbath? At that moment, Elie recognized that the Avi-voice in his mind was very different from his friend, Avi Frum the real person. Like many semi-observant Jews, Elie kept an idealized image in his mind of the Orthodox Jew as a paragon of Jewish virtue and keeper of the Jewish conscience. Avi knew Elie well enough to recognize this tendency, and was wise enough to avoid the trap. Of course Avi would have liked it very much if his friends were more strictly observant of the Sabbath. But it was far more important to him that his friend Elie remain alive and healthy. Elie broke into a grin at how Avi had seen through his play-acting.
19
But as he drifted back to a healing sleep, his last thoughts were directed to Sherry: Please take care of Mr. CHIPS for me!
The Ace in the Hole

Sherry felt herself very lucky on Monday mornings. She knew how the official office humor depicted all Mondays as hit-the-grindstone, farewell-to-good-times Glumday, calendar opposite to the Thank-God-Its-Friday furlough from high-rise prison. She once counted a halfdozen cartoon clippings on peoples cubicle walls dedicated to this teary-eyed theme. Not for me, she thought. Lets see Ive been three months on this job, and I cant wait to get back to it! Whats going right for me? Let me count the ways. First of all, the people. The office is so much more real-world than school; you meet people of all ages, in all lifes stages, doing different things. Theres Karen, who somehow manages to get her kids breakfasted and off to school in the morning before she comes here how does she manage to find time for herself? Yet shes always offering to help, practically reaching out across the room with her smile, and I can always count on her for a heart-to-heart talk over lunch. Pete, on the other hand his kids are in high school, and Im sure his wife takes care of the house yet he always comes into work Mr. Grouch, as if hes so put-upon, and has to scrape up every last ounce of energy to be able to say good morning or take a look at your problem. Dick is Mr. Nonchalant the system could be crashing all around us, and hell be picking up the pieces like shoveling sand onto a sandcastle in the middle of a balmy summer day. Youre in good hands with him on board. As for the managers, Mr. Upbeat the First and Mr. Upbeat the Second I dont know if they were so cheery and optimistic before or after they got paid those managers salaries, but either way it figures. You want to have happy captains running the ship, and a little honey, a little money Second, the work. Its so lucky for me to be gifted in math, to be able to follow the beauty of these logical puzzles without struggling. It makes this kind of work almost like play. Not to be competitive about it I could never see the point of trying to put someone else down just to prove youre smart. And third but speaking of why, his desks empty! Hes never like that, to come in late! He practically opens the building for us every morning, so devoted, so dedicated, so reliable oh, I do hope nothings happened to Elie! Best to put a cheerful face on it. As Sister Claire would say, Just because youre blue, dont drown the whole world too! Cute for kids; only when youre grown do you appreciate how right they are. But here comes Mr. Mike Upbeat himself, and he doesnt look happy at all! Mike Johnson walked up to Sherrys desk and nodded greeting. I hope you had a restful weekend, Sherry? Not bad. Is everything okay? A little less than optimal. Do you mind coming into my office? My problem could be your opportunity. She wished he would cut the bureaucratic euphemisms and get to the point. Wheres Elie? Is he coming in today?
The Ace in the Hole
21
Mike stared at her, startled. Her hunch had hit home. He was out skiing over the weekend, and took a nasty fall. We expect hell be out of the office for a couple of weeks, at least. Sherry gasped. Broken leg? She hoped to God it wasnt worse. A spinal cord injury could paralyze someone permanently. Left leg, multiple fractures. But its amazing what orthopedic medicine can do. Ouch. Sherry felt a sudden cramp in her left thigh. She hobbled to the chair in front of Mikes desk and plopped down. Sometimes she wished she was a little less empathic. Are you all right? Mike asked her. Dont mind me, Ill be okay. I didnt think broken legs were contagious. But theres good news, too. Today Elie and I were going to enlist you as his junior analyst for the Mr. CHIPS project. Thats still a go, if youre ready to stretch a bit. How do you mean? You can go through Elies notes, familiarize yourself with the ideas hes worked out, and take a crack at the first draft of the design. Wait a minute, let me get this right. Do you mean that with Elie in the hospital, I should take his project and run with it? Thats Plan A. If you dont like it, Ill give you Plan B you can take it easy, finish up the documentation for Teachers PET, and wait for Elie to come back. That will put Mr. CHIPS behind schedule, but thats my problem, not yours. Documentation. The one absolutely most boring part of systems work. And maybe Mike would find someone else to work on Mr. CHIPS. A hard choice. Have you spoken to Elie about this? I just got off the phone with him. And? Hes agreed to go with Plan A, if thats what we want. Not good enough. Sherry didnt want to be the beneficiary of managerial arm-twisting. Id like to talk to him. We shouldnt exert him too much.
22
Whither Thou Goest
Just one more call. If he knows that were all rooting for him, it will keep his spirits up and help his recovery. I promise to keep it brief. Ordinarily she didnt like to beg, but this was important. Most of all, she wanted to hear his voice, to know that he was going to be all right. Okay. Mike dialed the number and handed the phone to Sherry. Her frustration mounted while she waited for the hospital receptionist to put her through to a nurse. Finally the nurse put Elie on. Hel-lo-o? Elie, you sound so far away! This is Sherry, from work. Nicetohearfromyou. He must be drugged out of his mind. Better keep it short. I heard you took a little fall. We all miss you here, but take it easy! Get your rest. Get better! Dont worry about us here. Well carry on until youre all better! She didnt want to burden him with her anxiety, but her voice a half-octave higher than usual betrayed her feelings. Sherry. Yes? I only ask one thing of you. Anything you say! Youre my ace in the hole. Take good care of Mr. CHIPS for me! Do you really mean that? I really mean it. Oh, I will, you can count on it! Just get better, and well take care of the rest. Thanks. Talk to you later. Say hi to the team. Good-bye, Elie! Get better soon! Dear God, see him through this ordeal and grant him a complete recovery! She hung up. Have you come to a decision? Mike asked. Plan A it is. Elies choice. She felt better about it now. Okay. Ill get you the keys to Elies desk.
The Ace in the Hole
23
She went back to the twin cubicle and sat for the first time in Elies seat. She started looking for Elies notes on the CHIPS project. On the way, she found much else besides a toothbrush, comb, mints, galoshes, sweater, necktie, and a pulp novel with a scantily-clad model on the cover. Thats personal! she told herself with a naughty smile. Lets get professional. Or maybe personal and professional? She had always respected Elies kindly reserve towards her. Now suddenly she was his ace in the hole whatever he meant by that. She thought back to poker games with her sister and cousins around the holidays. You thought you knew who was winning on the table, but the concealed card could change everything. How much was Elie keeping hidden beneath the surface? Good poker players know how to wait out the hand. When he was ready to show his cards, she would be waiting for him.
Leap of Trust
Two weeks in bed was good medicine for Elies leg, but the rest of him was getting more and more restless and bored with every passing day. He also was curious and a bit apprehensive about what kind of progress Sherry was making with the Computerized Home Intelligent Programming System. In her occasional phone calls, she expressed concern for his recovery, and asked questions on fine points of detail (she was evidently making good use of his hastily scribbled notes how he wished he had organized them better!). But she wasnt discussing the big picture with him yet. Felix stopped in on him every day, running errands and helping with the dishes and laundry. Elie was making a little progress walking around the apartment on crutches, but wasnt sure if he could manage the gas pedal with his right leg, since the full-leg cast on the left was taking up so much room. So when Felix offered to drive him to work for the duration, Elie gladly accepted. He got off the elevator and saw the crepe, balloons, and the
WELCOME BACK, ELIE!

banner that the team had prepared. Karen called to the rest of the team, and escorted Elie into the conference room, which was set with coffee and sweet croissants. Im really overwhelmed! he said. To what do I owe the honor of this celebration? Dick raised a coffee mug and toasted: To Elie, the guiding spirit of Omicron Consultants, from all your friends, wishing you a speedy recovery and more glory ahead! All cheered, To Elie! After coffee, Sherry showed Elie the product of her two weeks labor: a thirty-five page document, with the cover bearing the title: CHIPS: The Future of Home Living. He opened it, anxious to learn whether he had guessed right in entrusting her with his project could she understand his intentions, haltingly expressed in his notes? Was she technically expert enough to bring them to fruition? The first pages read just like his vision of Mr. CHIPS at the Olde Canterbury Inn, only crisper, more detailed, and better organized. Then he came across the following: EXTENSION #1: The customer interface and instruction setup functions will be represented by a female persona (Mrs. CHIPS, conceived as a soft-spoken high-school English teacher of around 50 years old, with grey hair in a bun and blue-checked apron). Her functions will be: (1) Guide the customer through the task of setting up the Master Schedule, which provides Mr. CHIPSs daily assignments; (2) Educate the customer in the workings of the system, in as interesting and friendly a manner as possible; and (3) Provide a friendly ear for any customer complaints, resolving them if she can, or otherwise referring them to Customer Service.
Leap of Trust
25
Elie clutched the document so tightly, it creased sharply in his hand. He read over the page a second and third time. He looked over at Sherry, who was giving him the sweetest smile he had ever seen. It reminded him of his four-year-old cousin Ashley many years ago, after she had painted pretty faces on her Mommys dressing mirror with her best lipstick. Only now it was his project, and Mrs. CHIPSs lipstick. He groped for a way to explain diplomatically that, much as her idea was good and creative in itself, it simply wouldnt work. Finally he blurted out, Its not in the concept of the system. I think it flows naturally from your concept, and rounds it out nicely, she replied. That may be so, except for one very important detail that it destroys the top-down unity of the system architecture. The fact that the system has its focus in an English butler named Mr. CHIPS is beside the point. The point is that there has to be one focus. As soon as you bring in a second persona I dont care if theyre male, female, or Martian that breaks the unity. Violating the unity of the design could have disastrous results. Once Elie had been called in as a consultant in the investigation of a train derailment. Two computers both had nominal control of the same switches, and failed to coordinate adequately between themselves. Six box cars were thrown off the track and damaged. Fortunately, nobody was hurt. Unfazed, she cocked her head, and raised one eyebrow. Trust me! Read the rest of it. It will all fit. If you dont like it, you can always take it out. Elie went back to reading, dreading worse to come. He was actively on the lookout now for any misinterpretations, technical blunders, or further deviations from the direction he had set in his first drafts. But except for the intrusion of Mrs. CHIPS, he was impressed by how faithfully Sherry developed his ideas. Every scrap of paper, every hastily scribbled thought was picked up and integrated into the grand master plan. Sherry gave primary control to the clockwatching program, which worked closely with the schedule-interpreting program. All of Mr. CHIPSs responsibilities were set on a master-schedule, which was a composite of many smaller schedules. He might need to start dinner cooking at 5:15 p.m. a fixed clock time but he might also have to turn on the outside lights by the rule of ten minutes after sunset, which varied with the season, or by a third rule based on the weather, if the day was very cloudy. The schedule-interpreting program would weigh all these different factors and then inform the clockwatching program that the time of the next scheduled event was 5:07 p.m. Clock-watcher would then calculate that it needed to do nothing but watch the clock for exactly forty-seven minutes, unless interrupted. Interrupted by whom? Possibly by Mrs. CHIPS. Sherrys design document went on to discuss at great length a scenario that Elie had passed over briefly. Suppose Clock-watcher decided at 9:00 a.m. that there was nothing to do for the next eight hours, before warming dinner at 5:00 p.m. But now Mrs. Jones logged on to the sysem and added several new instructions, requiring Mr. CHIPS to record a TV program at 10:00, make lunch at 12:00, and activate the lawn sprinkler at 1:00. If Clock-watcher had decided to just count the minutes for eight hours, he would be out of the loop, and those instructions would be ignored. Sherry argued from all this that it made sense for there to be two active processes one revising the instructions, the other carrying them out and to represent them by two fictive personas, Mr. CHIPS and Mrs. CHIPS. Neither was fully in control; each had his or her special area of expertise and responsibility. And they had to work in close coordination with each other.
26
Whither Thou Goest
By the time Elie finished reading Sherrys design, it was only mid-morning, but he felt he could barely stay awake sitting up at his desk. The ache in his leg brought one form of exhaustion; the medication brought another. He could hardly summon up the resources to think clearly. Yet he had to respond somehow to her presentation. He was impressed with her achievement; many of his suspicions were laid to rest. Deep down, he was satisfied that Sherry had grasped the essence of what he had wanted the CHIPS system to be. She had taken it from a nebulous hodge-podge of dreams and speculation, and established it as a solid, worked-out system-in-embryo. In doing so, she had proved her mastery of the technical issues and her overall fidelity to his original intentions except for that very important question of system architecture. Should he consider going along with her suggestion? Sherrys idea might work, after all. But it went counter to Elies habits of system design single focus, single center of control. Should he just pull rank and decide the issue his way? That didnt feel right. It was no longer just his project; it was theirs. Elie had taken one leap of trust in putting the project in her hands. It would never have reached its current stage of maturity without her hand. She had earned equal voice on the project. Then he realized that his design habits reflected his life situation. For years, he had run his own life, doing as he pleased, accountable to no one. His life had one focus of control Elie himself. The systems he designed were all the same way. Maybe that was why it was so hard for him to conceive of a system design that successfully shared two centers of control. Maybe if he first learned to live in shared dependence with another person But here was an example of shared control, right before his eyes! This project! It started as Elies brain-child. When Elie couldnt carry on, Sherry stepped in and took over. He feared the loss of control, but she had nurtured his conception and was now passing the ball back to him. If Elie and Sherry could work together, why not Mr. and Mrs. CHIPS? He thought he grasped the truth clearly. Then in an instant it was gone, like a rainbow dissolving away as the sun shifted position. He wasnt sure of anything any more. He would have to fall back on trust. Sherry had carried the project this far. He hoped she was right in this. He swiveled his chair towards her, dragging his cast along. The sight of her golden hair brought back the memory of that first day she had come to work here. She turned to him as if on signal, and her smile clinched his decision. Ive decided to welcome Mrs. CHIPS to the project, he said. Great! She clasped her hands in joy. I promise you wont be disappointed.
Making Magic
When Elie woke up the next morning, he started planning furiously what to do about Sherry. Dr. Primack had told him last Friday that he could give up the cast in four weeks. The thought of his asking Sherry out in his current condition appalled him. He wanted to show himself in full vigor of manhood, capable and independent. Anyway, taking a cast into an intimate situation would be a handicap or a hazard. Compounding his own injury would be bad enough; bruising her with a thirty-pound cudgel at close quarters would be a disaster. Elie resolved to wean himself of Felixs care over the next few days. That would increase his independence and force him to strengthen his arms, his back, and his good leg. More than that, it would give him more private space to fantasize about Sherry, to prepare himself for when she would fully enter his world. Most important, he had to keep her involved with him. The CHIPS project was made to order for this objective. But he would take no chances. Having conceded to Sherry that the system would have two focuses of control, he was well-positioned to insist that the two parts Mr. and Mrs. CHIPS should work as closely together as possible, to maintain processing integrity. And what was good for their creation applied equally to the creators. That morning in the office, Elie presented his plan to Sherry. You conceived of Mrs. CHIPS, so shes your baby. I want you to pick up on that, and write the detail design for the instruction setup, the customer interface, the help panels the whole domain of the system that belongs to her. Ill do the same for Mr. CHIPSs responsibilities coordinating the schedules, counting the ticks, talking to the appliances, translating human instructions into machine language. But the two have to be intimately coordinated. At the word intimately, Elie watched Sherry for her reaction. She presented a perfect poker face head steady, lips parted just a trace, her gaze coolly returning his own. Elie continued: Everything you develop has implications for my side, and vice versa. So we really have to develop both parts jointly you take the lead in one but I back you up on it, and we reverse roles in the other. Are you familiar with standard brainstorming protocol? I studied it once, but I could stand some refreshing. Isnt it usually done in a larger group? We can make it work for us. First we name an issue that we need to work on. Lets say the issue is deciding what questions Mrs. CHIPS should ask the Joneses to gather enough information for Mr. CHIPS to do his job. We both come up with as many ideas as we can think of around that topic. Mrs. CHIPS is your responsibility, so you keep the list of ideas and decide what gets put on that list. Postpone any criticism of the ideas until weve listed them all. Criticism comes in Stage Two, Sherry observed gravely, as if quoting an old systems proverb. Thats right. In Stage Two, the owner of the topic presents the ideas, and we each give pros and cons for each idea separately.
28
Whither Thou Goest
And in Stage Three we narrow the options to the best alternatives? Her green, lacecuffed sleeves traced a circle, as if she was gathering up the options under discussion, and drawing Elie in as well. Right. alternatives. Or we could put together a more complete solution by combining several
By then, Sherry said, Mrs. CHIPS is going to have so much to take care of, shell be melting down the circuits to keep track of it all! Her laughter passed through him like bells, breaking through his reserve. He knew his joy was leaking out and trickling across his face. But in a minute, he caught himself and was back to business. Not to worry. You select from the Mrs. CHIPS brainstorming sessions whatever you decide is appropriate. You write it up and show it to me. Ill do the same with the ideas we come up with about Mr. CHIPS. We exchange drafts. You go over mine, and Ill go over yours. Well discuss them together. The author of each draft bears responsibility for the final revision. By that time, well have resolved all differences of approach so that Mr. and Mrs. CHIPS will be working together in perfect harmony. Elie realized that he had not taken his eyes off her, or she off him, for the past ten minutes. The space between their desks seemed to be generating a magnetic attraction. In another moment, he would be ready to scrap his original plans and invite her back to his apartment that evening. Then a throb of his leg reminded him of his disability. At that instant, Sherrys phone rang, and now she was radiating all of that enthusiasm to Mary Lou somebody-orother from her old college class. He felt the sharp slap of rebuke. Dont pride yourself that she holds all that gaiety for you personally. Thats just part of her essence, her way of being Sherry. How I wish I could distill that essence and go into competition with Chanel. Now Mike was approaching him. He remembered promising to discuss the packaging of Teachers PET for test sites. The magnetism evaporated. The office was its steel-frame and vinyl self again. A trace of Sherrys essence chanced his way. Her eyes were elsewhere.
*******
For the next few weeks, the magic ebbed and flowed capriciously. Some days were too crammed full with work from morning till evening for any personal exchanges. Sometimes the buzz of distractions from the rest of the floor held him hostage. But every now and then Elie and Sherry would sit across from each other undisturbed and weave the design of the CHIPS system, how Mrs. CHIPS would set the instructions in order and Mr. CHIPS would carry them out, how the Joness day would unfold as all the wired appliances of their home were orchestrated to carry out their desires. At those times Elie felt that their own desires and destinies were caught up in the same fabric. If he could just go on working like this with her, it was satisfaction enough almost.
Making Magic
29
Sherrys birthday was coming on Tuesday, and Elie prepared a little surprise for her. When she opened her electronic mail that morning, there was a memo from him. As she clicked on it, a seed sprouted on the screen, giving way to stems, leaves, and six red rose buds opening up gradually into full bloom. The message read: May your life bloom like these roses in the years ahead. When she looked up from her screen and saw him watching her, she gave him that composed smile which maddened him with its hidden promise. But all of a sudden, a flush of red colored her face and neck, natures signal beyond conscious control, revealing her innermost feelings. Elie thrilled with this confirmation of his hopes. His smile broadened to the point of pain, and he felt himself blush, too. She walked over to his desk and kissed him firmly on the cheek. Her hair brushed his face. You really didnt have to do that, you know, she said. Thats why I did it, he said, his hand on her back. Elie savored his victory the rest of the day, secure in the knowledge that Dr. Primack had promised him to take the cast off before the weekend. Tomorrow he would ask her out, for sure.
Ash Wednesday
You have a smudge on your forehead. Elie prided himself that his interest in Sherry was improving his people skills. Instead of being wrapped up in technical problems all day, he was noticing the people around him their clothes, their doings, so he congratulated himself on noticing that there was this gray smudge on Sherrys forehead, contrasting with her usual neat, well-put-together ensemble. (On this day, a solid violet suit with white ruffed blouse). Had some soot from construction debris or a dirty truck blown her way? Oh, I came here straight from Mass today. Its Ash Wednesday. How embarrassing! Now she must think he was some social clod who not only didnt know when it was Ash Wednesday, but had been totally unobservant of his other Catholic coworkers these past five years. Oh! Im sorry. Ive heard of it, but dont know much about it. Can you tell me what it is, and what it means? Sure. Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent, a 40-day period of preparation for Easter. We used to abstain from meat during this whole period, but now were supposed to decide on some personal form of sacrifice, to deprive ourselves in some way or other, to atone for our sins and purify ourselves in preparation for Holy Week. Where do the ashes come from? Each year the palms from Palm Sunday are saved until the beginning of the next years Lent season. Then they are burned. On Ash Wednesday, the priest takes the ashes from the burning of the palms, and sprinkles them on our foreheads in the shape of a cross. He says, Be mindful that dust you are, and to dust you shall return. So its a reminder of our frailty and our mortality and sinfulness all in one. Thanks for explaining that to me. Its very interesting. Very interesting indeed, thought Elie. Every time I think of getting close to this woman, the fact of our different religious backgrounds intrudes. By now, though, he was too firmly hooked on Sherry to be discouraged. Dust you are, and to dust you shall return. Whoever wrote Genesis made this the epitaph of the lost Paradise, the Garden of Eden. A curse, or simply a statement of the human condition? And ashes. Someone else said, Here I have ventured to speak before the Lord, I who am but dust and ashes. We are dust and ashes, but a little lower than the angels. There was no better summary of the human paradox. Is this Christianity, or Judaism? Whats the difference, anyway? Christians abstain from meat or whatever for forty days, and Jews fast on Yom Kippur. When you came right down to it, its the same software, different release, running on different
Ash Wednesday
31
hardware. Elie was sure he had resolved worse incompatibility problems before. A piece of cake. Would it be a violation of your regimen if I asked you out to dinner this Friday night? If its really just dinner you have in mind, thats okay. Thats drawing a fine line, he thought. Does she abstain from sex during Lent or is it just with new partners? Or does she just not feel ready with me yet? At least going out is okay. He wouldnt push her beyond her limits. She was worth waiting for.
******
Thursday at the doctors office the cast came off, making Elie a new man. He picked out a light-oak polished cane, leaning heavily on it to the left as he gingerly started putting weight on the poor leg that he had mistreated so badly, but which was now ready to serve him again. A little unsteady at first, but he would get used to it. Now to make plans about tomorrow night. Elie remembered previous Friday nights he had spent with his friends from the study group. There was one night last October with the Frums. Sarah had put out the best dishes and glassware, and lit the Sabbath candles exactly 18 minutes before sundown, as traditional law prescribed. The family gathered around the table and sang the traditional hymn welcoming the ministering angels of peace ushering in the Sabbath. Avi sang the Eshes Hayil, the closing verses of Proverbs in tribute to a faithful and industrious wife. He blessed his children Jeremy and Rebecca, then chanted the Kiddush over the sweet Concord wine. The family washed their hands, pouring water from a brass two-handled cup over each hand in turn. Then Jeremy recited the Hebrew blessing over the challah egg-twist loaves, and Sarah brought out a sumptuous meal of chicken soup, roast chicken with noodle pudding, and her best apple strudel for dessert. Then in December he had once joined Felix for Friday night at Esthers apartment. She was apologetic for the fact that her kitchen was not kosher, but nevertheless she had bought a kosher chicken in honor of the Sabbath and prepared it according to her favorite coq au vin recipe. Felix proudly presented a bottle of White Zinfandel from one of the best kosher Napa valley wineries. Esther lit the candles right before the meal, heedless of the fact that the sun had already set, but the glow on her cheeks and the tremor in her voice communicated to Elie how special it was for her to reclaim observances that had never been a part of her life until recently. This night would be different, but special in its own way, and right for him and for Sherry. He took her to The Fishermans Feast, a new restaurant on the outskirts of downtown. The waiter escorted them to a thick wooden table by the wall, with pastel paintings of lighthouses. There was a candle on the table, and Elie ordered a bottle of Chardonnay. When the French bread was served, he broke off a piece for each of them, and felt that for him, the physical Sabbath ritual was complete. Now to proceed to the spiritual agenda the dialogue of two souls. Do you attend Mass regularly? Every Sunday, plus special holidays.
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Whither Thou Goest
Where did you get your religious education? I attended parochial school from first through twelfth grades. We had prayer and religious instruction every day. How about you? Did you get regular instruction in the Jewish religion? I attended Hebrew school two hours a day, three days a week for six years. I got a smattering of the Hebrew language and Jewish ceremonies. I was away from it for a long time. The past couple of years, Ive come back to it. Ive tried to study Judaism from a more mature standpoint. Did you ever play pranks on your teachers? Sometimes. Did you? Quite a bit. But we loved our sisters, and they were real spiritual models to us, the best Ive ever had. They traded stories. Elie recalled the time that his fellow-students switched the books in the bookcase so that Mr. Goldman was unable to find the book he needed for that days class. Mr. Goldman responded by saying that it wasnt what was in the book that mattered, it was what you carried in your head whereupon he conducted the whole lesson from memory. Elie remembered that his respect for Mr. Goldman and for the ideal of learning increased tremendously as a result of that demonstration. This prompted Sherry to recall the following story: One day the whole class agreed to pretend to forget that Sister Carey had given us a certain assignment that was due that day. Sister Carey called on each of us one by one, asking us to recite what we had prepared. Each of us said we didnt remember her ever having assigned it. There was something in our manner, the way we glanced at each other or tried hard to keep from giggling, that must have tipped her off. She didnt get angry. She took a minute and looked around the class. Then she said that God has a very special plan in the world, to make the world better, and how many of us girls wanted to be a part of that plan? All of our hands went up. She then asked, who among us felt that God could trust us 100% to be part of that plan? Again, all hands went up. She then said, I think that God is very lucky that He can trust every one of you. Now I envy God, because I have a much smaller plan than He does. My plan is just to teach you English, and in order for me to accomplish my plan, I need to be able to trust every one of you. God has your trust, because you just told me that He does. But Im afraid I have missed out on something, because I know that I dont have your trust. She went on talking about trust, and even brought in Peters denial of Christ, but she never once raised her voice, and in a few minutes she brought quite a few of us to tears. She taught me something very special that day about the importance of trust in the relationship between human beings, and between human beings and God. They continued trading stories of their experiences. But Elie felt that somehow his deepest intentions were frustrated. There were things that he wanted to say, for which the
Ash Wednesday
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opportunity was lacking. He wanted to generalize from the specifics of her experience and his experience, to say that each of them had been taught similar ideals and values, so why not celebrate these common ideals and values and make them the basis of a life together? Many months later, when she had come to know him better, Sherry was struck by Elies abstract habit of abstract idealism, and commented on it. You see religion in terms of ideals and values. You look at a ritual or a story, you dissect it, you extract the value, which for you is the kernel, and you throw away the husk. So it doesnt matter to you whether the ideal of loyalty or atonement comes from a Jewish or a Christian context. But for me, the specific form and context matter very much. I was taught not loyalty in the abstract, but to be loyal to God, to Jesus, to the Catholic Church, to my school and my teachers. So Im not so ready to jump out of my skin and exchange one tradition for another. This difference in their religious styles was an important contributing factor to Elies disappointment that first Friday night. There was much more depth and substance to Sherrys faith that she could not communicate to Elie in an evening over dinner. She had not simply subscribed passively to whatever dogmas her teachers had taught her, but had rethought those precepts and made them her own. The central article of her faith was the Incarnation of God in Jesus Christ, but she understood that in a very personal sense. The essence of godliness, for her, was absolute giving, to the point of total self-sacrifice. Jesus exemplified that quality of giving throughout his life, and supremely in his death. But for it to be true giving and true self-sacrifice, Jesus the man had to be ignorant of his godly status and of the happy ending of the story. It was precisely because he was ignorant of the momentous consequences of his role, that Jesus self-sacrifice could be real, and could be the supreme embodiment of divinity. And by providing this momentous example of giving to the rest of humanity, Jesus showed them the way out of their sinful self-absorption; thus he redeemed them from sin. From Ash Wednesday through Good Friday and Easter, this drama of self-sacrifice and redemption played itself out in the Church ritual. To participate in that drama, each believer had to make progress in overcoming his or her own selfishness and sinfulness. Sherry had hinted to Elie that because of her own need for self-purification during Lent, she would not be able to make herself wholly available to him during that time. Elie acquiesced, and was thankful for small favors. There was another reason for Elies dissatisfaction that first Friday night, and on many occasions thereafter. Elie came to religion from a modern scientific outlook, which for him meant a skeptical and relativistic outlook. He hoped that Sherry, with her sharp, analytic mind, would share his views. If they could agree that no religion was literally true, but all were important systems of metaphors which taught us moral values, then they could agree as rational, modern people to split the difference, agreeing on the truths they held in common and tolerating each others different poetic expressions of those truths. But Sherry was far more strongly imbued with her religion than Elie was with his. She took it with utter seriousness. Elie was afraid at times of being overwhelmed by the depth of her religious fervor. He was still too deeply attached to his Jewish identity to consider giving it up, and too much of a rationalist to understand how someone as smart as Sherry could be so devout.
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Whither Thou Goest
Sherry shared one other thing that first Friday evening which gave him hope. Sherry was the daughter of a Polish immigrant family who had come to America shortly after World War II. Her mother was a child at the time, but her grandmother had been active in the rescue of Jews in Poland during the Holocaust. Sherry told with pride of how Marya Polanski had worked in the underground, directing Jews to safe houses and keeping them supplied with food. If it was worth keeping Jews alive during the war, surely it was worth keeping them Jewish today! He reflected on what Sherry had said about trust. He felt he could trust Sherry to respect his Jewishness and help him keep it intact. ********* Week by week, through February and March, Elie took Sherry out every Friday night. He introduced her to the sublime depths of the late Beethoven quartets. She shared with him the subtle percolating undulations of contemporary jazz. Together they laughed through the latest theater hit, in which a Jewish woman hires a non-Jewish actor to impersonate a Jewish boyfriend for the benefit of her parents, with unintended results. His hand learned to communicate with hers in a caressing, dancing rhythm, and hers responded in kind, hinting at more to come, when the seed planted in winter would sprout in spring.
Rejoice With Trembling

Serve the Lord with fear, And rejoice with trembling. Accept discipline, Lest He be angry, And ye perish from the way When His wrath is kindled but a little. (Psalm 2, after the Church Latin version)
TO: ELIE KUHNWEISS OMICRON SPECIAL PROJECTS FROM: SHERRY SZYMANSKI APRIL 4, 19xx 8:43 A.M. Dear Elie, Youve been so good and patient with me the past few weeks, I thought it would be nice to have you over to my place this Friday night to celebrate. Dont bother to bring anything everything will be taken care of. Love you! Sherry
Elie turned from his terminal and faced Sherry, who had just sent him this electronic memo. Her eyes locked on to his, and she flashed him a conspiratorial smile. Elie was thrilled and panicked at the same time. He nodded vigorously toward her, then as if by signal they each turned back to their desks for a show of productivity. Every revelation was a concealment. Since the weather had turned warmer, she was wearing fine, semi-sheer blouses through which he could make out faintly the lace of her bra. Her spring perfume hinted at blooming magnolias. When she slipped out of her athletic shoes into her black office pumps, he followed the curve of her stocking up to the vanishing point where all things meet. Layers upon layers. Now he was reading her memo the same way. Dont bother to bring anything everything will be taken care of. Love you! The obvious sense was that she was supplying dinner. And wine? And flowers? Duplicating efforts wouldnt matter. Even if she was generous enough to offer to take care of things, he could match her generosity without offending. Or could she be hinting that he neednt bring contraceptive protection, because she was on the pill? He shuddered. Suddenly all his anxieties about the unknown side of Sherry her religion, her family background, what she would be like at 70 were focused on the question of what uncleanness she might have contracted from some innocent previous connection with the vast copulating network, the VD exchange, pandemic orgiastic swingers of America. Elie cursed the fact that he was born into that generation for whom every casual expression of love could be a brush with death, because of a monstrous bug in Gods genetic code. He wished that this moment could be pure joy for them both. But joy tempered with prudence might last longer.
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Whither Thou Goest
TO: SHERRY SZYMANSKI FROM: ELIE KUHNWEISS Dear Sherry,
OMICRON SPECIAL PROJECTS APRIL 4, 19xx 10:18 A.M.
I feel like Im the luckiest guy in the world that youve asked me over! You know it wouldnt be any trouble for me to bring a little wine or something to the festivity, but if you want to take charge of it all, thats OK. Just one quibble (and if I am being too indelicate or off the mark, please disregard). A little protection would definitely be in order. Ill take care of it at the drug store. Hope this is okay with you. Love, Elie
Elie glanced at Sherry from time to time to guess her response. A half hour later, her expression darkened (she must have just received his reply). Her eyes showed distance, censure, and the fear of God. He could kick himself. Too late to retract. Better wait it out. Two days later, her smile was back. He switched on to E-mail, and found her response:
TO: ELIE KUHNWEISS OMICRON SPECIAL PROJECTS FROM: SHERRY SZYMANSKI APRIL 6, 19xx 8:52 A.M. O more than friend though less than spouse, I welcome you into my house. Your quiet fire has seized my fancy, Your gentle whimsys quite entranced me. When you take pains for my protection, Tis welcome proof of your affection. But wait! Take care what you presume sir, Even a boyfriends not a groom, sir! Your adoration I do treasure, But loves expressions come in measure. As we enjoy our right good fortune, Let us do so in proportion! So lets indulge our every wish, Make every piece a tasty dish, But leave the choicest part in store If not, then whats a wedding for?
Rejoice with Trembling
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If you respect my prayerful notion, You will have earned my true devotion. See you anon this Friday night, And we shall savor loves delight! Sherry
******
Only in later years would Elie become familiar with the Jewish mystical significance of Friday night, of the custom of reading the Song of Songs Friday afternoon, in preparation for the nuptial climax of the Sabbath, in which the embrace of husband and wife symbolically enact the embrace of God and Israel. Christian mystics, too, were adepts of this imagery, and St. Bernard of Clairvauxs sermons on the Song of Songs accomplished for the Christian believer what the rabbinic commentaries on that text did for the Jews. That night, Elie and Sherry did not need the mystical commentaries, whether Jewish or Christian, for they had each other. The ripe fruit falls readily from the tree, and has become soft and sweet in the waiting. Every fantasy that had been gathering for months could now become reality (with due allowance for Sherrys stipulation). There was no Jew nor Christian nor Greek nor Pole in the Garden of Eden, for all these had not yet sprouted forth. So for now Elie and Sherry could forget their differences (except the all-important male and female He created them) and luxuriate in the pleasures of the first man and woman in Paradise.
And so (taught Plotinus) all difference is an illusion. For the images of everyday life Blending and rotating around the dazzling sun Surrender themselves to the cosmic rainbow Which then restores their colors to their former unity via Gods prism, And as they go, so go we, But till eternity we shall still be on the way.
The Cushite Woman

The radiance of the May sun warmed Felix as he pointed his battered Raleigh 10-speed along a favorite country road. As his body fused with the automatic rhythm of the pedaling, and his lungs filled with the fresh breeze scented of wildflowers, his mind was free to roam. He recalled a similar country excursion over four months ago, which had ended so abruptly with Elies skiing accident. Now suddenly Elie had dropped out of their lives. It was nearly two months since Elie had last shown up at the Frums study group. Felix would have to give him a call that evening. He continued his route, an hour out and an hour back, along the brook and around the lake, then packed his bike onto the car rack and headed home. Elie picked up on the third ring. Felix tried to strike a proper balance between casualness and concern. Weve missed you at the group. Hope things have been okay with you. Everything is great. Couldnt be better. Hows the leg? Limping along. Hardly bothers me. Anything new in your life? Have a new friend. Youll like her. Why dont you invite her to the group? Were always open to fresh viewpoints. This I can guarantee she will provide. Felix wasnt sure what Elie meant by that, but decided to wait until Saturday to find out. That Saturday, Felix attended the Hillel services on campus with Ernest, then drove to Esthers gallery to pick her up, and proceeded to the Frums. They parked a block away so they could approach the house on foot, in deference to Avis and Sarahs more traditional standards of Sabbath observance. The children, Jeremy and Rebecca, stood on the porch steps to greet them, holding out plates of their mothers cookies. Gut Shabbos! They seemed to thoroughly enjoy their play-acting at being serious servants of the establishment, waiting on their parents guests, as they bowed and curtsied around them. Then Jeremy nearly dropped his cookies as he gaped wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the next couple approaching the house. Elie was walking normally, recovered from his broken leg, sporting his orthopedic cane as if it were a vaudeville prop. But what really caught Jeremys attention and Felixs was the mystery woman on his arm, all smiles and pinks and flowers, who looked like she had just stepped out of an Easter parade. Felix thought he detected a flash of anger on Avis bearded face, which however gave way almost instantly to the manner of the genial host. The Frums seated all the guests in a circle of chairs on the porch, around a table arranged with pickled fish, sponge cake, and beverages. They exchanged introductions, with Elie presenting his companion as Sherry Szymanski, a friend from work. Then Avi called on Ernest to begin the discussion.
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Ernest passed out the books, looked around apologetically, and started in: As luck would have it, the text for todays discussion is from Numbers, Chapter 12: And Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because of the Cushite woman whom he had married, for he had married a Cushite woman. We are familiar from all our discussions that there are generally at least two sides to every issue. Moses marries a woman from outside the community, then he is immediately criticized by his own brother and sister. What do you think is going on here? Sherry turned to Elie with a look of concern, but he patted her hand and nodded reassuringly. Felix smelled danger, and thought it would be best to try to steer the discussion toward neutral ground. He volunteered: Cush in the Bible means Ethiopia. The woman was black. Aaron and Miriam thought it unseemly for him to marry a black woman. Ernest countered: Not so. Cush refers also to a tribe in the Arabian peninsula. At this stage in their history, it was far more likely that Moses married a member of that tribe. Avi spoke to the group, without raising his voice: The issue was intermarriage. The leader of the Jewish people should set an example. Whenever we marry outside the Jewish fold, it poses a threat for Jewish continuity. It was excusable that Mosess first wife was a Midianite, because her father Jethro was a monotheist, a righteous gentile, and Moses was an outlaw in the desert. But when he took another wife, he should have married an Israelite woman. Elie was sitting at the opposite end of the table from Avi. He squeezed Sherrys hand, gave her another smiling nod, then faced Avi directly and responded: Avi, youre ignoring the fact that according to the text, God sided with Moses and against Miriam and Aaron. He even struck Miriam with leprosy as a punishment. I think its very important to consider what was positive in Mosess action. He had just entered into a covenant with the God of the whole world, not only of the Israelites, but also of the Midianites, the Cushites, the Greeks, the Romans, indeed, of all the peoples of humanity. By marrying outside the Jewish clan, Moses was saying that there are good people to be found among all the nations of the earth, good enough for Jews to marry, good enough even for Moses to marry. Several generations later, Ruth the Moabitess was the ancestor of David, and ultimately of the Messiah. Do you catch the significance of this a non-Jewish woman the ancestress of the Messiah? Avi listened intently to Elies every word. He stroked his beard, looked Elie directly in the eye, and replied: The text doesnt tell us why God sided with Moses in this case, and there is a lot that is difficult to understand here. But I dont agree with your whole approach. First of all, you have to assume that the Cushite woman converted to Judaism. It is unthinkable that Moses would have married her otherwise. It is a grave sin to cast aspersions on a person of non-Jewish background once they have converted. But where do you find the slightest evidence that it is all right for a Jew to marry someone of non-Jewish background without conversion? For centuries, we are told that our people lived side by side with the Canaanites, and whenever they intermarried with them, their non-Jewish spouses led them astray into idolatry. After the Babylonian exile, Ezra came to Jerusalem and broke up all intermarriages so that the non-Jewish wives would not bring up their
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Whither Thou Goest
children in idolatrous ways. A few centuries later, under the Greek culture, the same thing. Those Jews who married Greeks assimilated; only those who married within the Jewish people remained Jewish. During the Christian period what do I have to tell you? Marrying a Christian was the next closest thing to becoming baptized yourself. It was always a step out of the Jewish people. At the mention of Jewish-Christian strife in the Middle Ages, Sherrys look turned from concern to alarm. But the eyes of the other guests turned eagerly from Avi to Elie and back as if it were a tennis match. Felix worried if it might already be too late to defuse the confrontation. But Elie, more defiant than ever, was ready to return argument for argument: I dont deny that in the Middle Ages Judaism drew a hard and fast line between who was a Jew and who wasnt. But we have to ask ourselves, is this fortress model an appropriate one to sustain us in the modern age? Havent we time and again opened ourselves to positive influences from surrounding cultures? Abraham had a friendly relationship with the priest Melchizedek. The rabbis learned logic from the Greeks. Maimonides studied Aristotle to develop his philosophy. In our day, we enjoy unprecedented acceptance in the general culture, and we have more than ever to learn from that culture. I take the example of Moses in this weeks Torah reading to mean that it doesnt matter whom you marry, whether Jew or non-Jew, so long as that person is a righteous person who worships the one true God, and so long as you yourself remain faithful to the Jewish people. Avi rose from his seat, his hand on the table, his mouth twitching. Ernest jumped in to mediate. In support of Elies position, we can say that Biblical and rabbinic periods had different notions of what constituted conversion, or how one declared ones allegiance to the Jewish people. But Avi has a valid point, too, that mixed marriages without conversion have a poor prognosis for Jewish continuity. Felix tugged at Elies arm and tried to draw him aside: I know you brought Sherry here at my suggestion, and so I feel partly responsible for what is happening. But try to have some consideration for your hosts, Avi and Sarah. This is a traditional Jewish home, and were here to show our respect for the tradition and try to carry it forward. At this point, Esther rose from her chair and threw up her hands: For heavens sake! Elie brought a friend to todays discussion, and I think were all giving her the wrong idea of what were about. Its sheer happenstance that this weeks Torah reading talks about these very sensitive and personal issues. But seeing how the discussion is turning, I suggest we drop the subject at once. Shabbat should be a time of peace and harmony, not personal attacks. Sarah chimed in: Esther is absolutely right. Sherry, youre a guest in my house, and Avi and Elie should be ashamed of themselves for letting a friendly discussion get so out of hand. Here, have some cake and tea! But it was too late. Sherry had already freed herself from Elies possessive grasp, and was heading down the stairs, gasping and trembling. Esther was the first to catch up with her,
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with Sarah close behind. For the next few minutes, the company was divided between the men and the women, with Esther and Sarah trying to soothe Sherry, while Elie continued to argue with the other men. Then Sherry walked over to Elie, demanding quietly and firmly to be taken home. As they walked down the street from the Frums house, Sherry turned to Elie: I dont want to be subjected to that kind of experience ever again. Elie temporized: Im sorry I put you through it. Believe me, its not usually like that! We have our disagreements, but usually its in a spirit of mutual tolerance and good will. Ive never seen Avi so angry before. You dont usually have an idolatrous Cushite woman like me by your side, threatening to disrupt their sacred Jewish community. Of all the people she had met that day, Sherry felt she could be really comfortable only with Esther. Maybe Sarah but knowing Sarahs traditional Jewish feelings, Sherry didnt want to cause her any additional discomfort. Sherry knew she was not coming back to that group for a long time.
Ernest in the Lions Den

Welcome to Berlin, Herr Professor! Ernest looked out over the unfamiliar faces and spotted Dr. Inge Hoffnung waiting for him as he passed through customs at Tegel Airport. With her braided, light-brown hair and peasant blouse, she could have come right out of Grimms Fairy Tales. Together, Ernest and Inge would be co-teaching a course on the Holocaust twice here in Berlin during the summer, then again in the States during the fall term. She would be his escort in Berlin during the summer, showing him around the cultural sights and helping him to get the research materials he needed. Ernests research was on Jewish responses to German culture in the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. His formal research would take him to libraries, manuscript collections, and communal archives. But he was also conducting his own personal pilgrimage to the land which more than any other had been the scene of the historic encounter of Jewry with modern culture, until it finally became the greatest threat to Jewish survival in any age. And an important theme of the entire historical period was intermarriage. Hello, Inge! Thanks for coming out to meet me. He gave her a friendly kiss. I got your letter. First things first. Well get you settled in your apartment at the University. After that, it will be no problem at all to show you the old Jewish cemetery. And luckily I was able to get tickets for a concert at the Schauspielhaus for tonight. But I am puzzled. Of all the cultural and historical sights that Berlin has to offer, why did you choose these two? First I want to visit the grave of Moses Mendelssohn. Of course. The sage of Dessau, Socrates of Berlin, friend of Lessing! She packed his bags in the trunk of her Volkswagen, helped him in the passenger side, and headed out of the airport. Ernest continued: He was the first truly modern Jew, the man who stepped out of the ghetto into the world of the Enlightenment. All the problems we grapple with as modern Jews start with him. But why the Schauspielhaus? Aside from the fact that its one of the greatest cultural landmarks in the city, not to mention Leonard Bernsteins concert there after the reunification, does it have a Jewish angle for you? Or are you simply a connoisseur of music and architecture? Actually, Im a little of both. But I have a letter from my great-great-grandfather, Lazar Buchman, which he wrote from Berlin when he visited here in 1866. Ernest pulled out a photocopy from his jacket pocket. Its written in Hebrew characters! Its in Yiddish. He was writing back to his family in Poland. The letter relates how his host, a wealthy Jewish merchant, took him one evening to a magnificent Greek temple, with
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staircases as high as Jacobs ladder, and marble pillars against which Samson would have labored in vain. In such a setting, he heard the music of the heavenly angels singing praise to Joy, daughter of Elysium. Natrlich, he must have heard a performance of Beethovens Ninth Symphony at the Schauspielhaus! To us it seems unremarkable. But to my great-great-grandfather, it was overwhelming. You have to remember, he came from a backward village, where the synagogue itself was a single-room wooden shack, and the climax of his musical experience until then was hearing a consumptive old cantor chant the Sabbath prayers in a nasal drone. Your grandfather was not the first hick from the provinces to discover civilization. Among us Germans, the peasant who comes to the city is a very comical character. He thinks that the street lamps are moonbeams preserved in alcohol, and that the newspaper vendors are selling bales of hay. He breaks off a water faucet and takes it with him, thinking it will produce water no matter where it is. In my grandfather Lazars case, it was not comic, but tragic. His host served him nonkosher food, and introduced him to his Christian wife and children. The words alle Menschen werden Brder disturbed him. If all men are brothers, do the Jews have to give up being Jewish to be part of this brotherhood? We East-European Jews were in awe of the success and worldliness of our German-Jewish brethren. They were like nobility to us. But they sold their Jewish souls to gain acceptance, which turned out in the end to be a swindle. Yet we revered them, and would have betrayed our own heritage to be like them, if it were only possible. And here are you, his descendant, a professor of Judaica, carrying on the heritage like a compass in the modern wilderness! But we are coming to your flat. Inge had been screeching around corners like a New York cabbie, and she stopped with a jerk in an alley next to a brick townhouse. She led him up to the second floor, and showed him the three-room apartment old wooden floors, faded upholstery, modest but adequate. Ernest considered that two months living out of suitcases in this setting would be a welcome return to student-like simplicity. He tried the kitchen tap, and treated himself and Inge to a glass of cold water, refreshing in the summer heat. After a short break, Ernest was impatient to see the cemetery. It was a small park, off a narrow street in the historic Scheunenviertel. Inge led him to the marker of Mendelssohns grave. Her lip quivered as she stood there beside him. I consider him one of Berlins noblest citizens. The Nazis tore down his monument, but his ideals will survive their brutality for centuries to come. Ernest had a different view. Moses Mendelssohn was the consummate tightrope artist, balancing his Jewish and German personas for as long as he lived. Already the next generation lost the magic touch. You wont find any of his children or their friends buried here, because they all died Christians.
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Whither Thou Goest
Even Felix? Especially his grandson, Felix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy.
*******
That evening, at the Schauspielhaus, Ernest listened with mingled emotions of love and sadness to the first half of this evenings concert, featuring the music of Felix Mendelssohn, Moses Mendelssohns grandson, raised as a Christian by his baptized parents. How much potential for a true modern Jewish culture was lost here! In the incidental music to A Midsummer Nights Dream he displayed his evocative power by bringing the whole world of the Schwarzwald, the German forest with its elves, sprites, and fairies, to life in music. And in the Violin Concerto, Mendelssohn wrote the quintessential vehicle of Jewish expression for every modern Jewish violinist, in a lyrical vein that dares not speak its name. Ernest thought wistfully: how much more self-confident would modern Jewish culture have been, if Felix Mendelssohn had done for synagogue music what Bach had done for Church music, transmuting its hauntingly fertile traditional modalities into high art! And how ironic, after Mendelssohn, to come back to listen to excerpts from Wagners Tristan and Isolde! The mere fact of Mendelssohns Jewish ancestry was enough for the young Wagner to denounce him in an anonymous essay, Judaism in Music. Yet in later years, how many of Wagners enthusiasts were Jews, from his own conductor Hermann Levi to the great Gustav Mahler! So many of them pursued their destinies in that limbo where assimilation, intermarriage, and self-hatred blended together. How could they adulate a composer who had explicitly condemned Jews in his published writings, and whose villains fiends of the underworld such as Alberich and Hagen were so often portrayed with stereotypically Jewish features and mannerisms? On the other hand, as Ernest listened to the dizzying reversals of harmony and the heart-throb of the string sections, with Inge sitting at his side, it was all too easy for him to imagine that moment of surrender. That music hypnotizes so! Ernest remarked to Inge. Didnt Thomas Mann write a story, in which a brother and sister develop an incestuous passion from listening to the love-music of The Valkyries? The Blood of the Walsungs, Inge identified the story. Those were the Jewish Wagnerians of the turn of the century whom he portrayed in that story. He married into that very circle he was writing about. Yet Mann had more chutzpah, as you call it, than the majority of German Jews. He came finally to see through Wagner, and the web of fascination he had woven. His whole Joseph cycle is a song of praise to the Jewish people, written at the height of German anti-Semitism. He was broadcasting anti-Nazi propaganda throughout the Free World during the war. And his postwar novel, Doctor Faustus, is still one of the most probing inquiries into the depths of evil in the modern German psyche. Ernest looked intently at Inge as she spoke. She knew better than anyone what she was talking about. She was fiercely proud of the idealistic Germany of Kant, Goethe, Schiller, and
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Beethoven (and Mann), and burned with shame when she thought of the travesty the Nazis had made of her Germany. She had dedicated her life to making atonement for that horrible episode, by educating her countrymen of what had happened so it could not happen again. Looking at Inge, Ernest could appreciate the ideal of German womanhood that Martin Buber had found in his wife Paula. She put her hand on his wrist as she spoke to him. Ernest let it rest there, but did not reciprocate or respond. He appreciated the gesture of friendship, but had no appetite for more. He did not want to become part of the syndrome he was studying. Yet enough of him responded inwardly to her for him to feel empathy for the generations of Mendelssohns, Heines, Marxes, Landauers, Weiningers, Mahlers, and others who had mingled with this culture and amalgamated with it, to the peril of their own identity. And he empathized with Elie, who was continuing the same pattern into the next generation. Empathized, but did not approve.
Settling In
A week after the fiasco at the Frums, Sherry invited Elie to accompany her to church. He complied, but after the service, he said it left him cold. I guess Im not a praying type of person, he told her. I dont go much to Jewish prayer services, either. But you attend the discussion group at the Frums. Thats different. Its more of an intellectual experience. They finally agreed to devote two weekends a month to their religious commitments, and two to themselves. On the one weekend, they would stay in town; Elie would attend the Frums discussion Saturday afternoon without Sherry, and Sherry would attend church Sunday morning without Elie. The next weekend they would be free to rent a cottage at the beach or in the mountains, to bring wine, poetry, and music and explore avenues of spiritual growth outside of organized religion. As their relationship progressed, they would sleep over at each others apartments several times during the week; they were together on weekends; and of course they spent the working weekday together working on Mr. CHIPS. They were together so much that they wondered how they had ever managed to live without each other. Sherry had finally talked Elie into christening the instruction-setup part of the system with the persona of Mrs. CHIPS. During the summer they built the first prototype, using an array of extension cords and switches into which were plugged several light bulbs, a cheap radio, a coffee maker (which they really used to brew coffee for their team), and a voice-response unit. Elie and Sherry programmed various messages in their own voices; he was Mr. CHIPS, she was Mrs. CHIPS. Elie would bring up the instruction setup, and on the DEVICE screen he would type in VCR. Im sorry, that part of the system is not ready for operation yet, responded the audio message in Sherrys voice. At 4:55 each afternoon, Elies voice would be heard in a fake English accent: Ladies and gents, you might want to consider winding down your daily tasks and prepare for an evening of enjoyment. At 5:00 sharp, the light bulbs blinked in a prearranged pattern as the melody Good Night Ladies was played back. The CHIPS system was moving along just fine. It worked on a very simple level from beginning to end. From now on, everything would just be enhancements, adding more complexity and more capabilities. After the daily signoff, Elie and Sherry would be off to his place or hers, depending on the day of the week. They would decide on a new dish to try that evening, shop for the ingredients, and prepare it together. They would talk about work, about the system, about the cooking, or about the news. In the evening they would go out to a movie or a concert, or just for a summer evenings walk. Then to bed, make love, and drift off to sleep. The next morning, a little smooching in bed, then breakfast and back to work. Pretty soon the exaltation of new love was mellowing into domestic tranquillity.
Settling In
47
But they still had the problem which Sherry called breaking out of the cocoon: how to overcome the isolation of a twosome (however cozy and romantic) and reach out and get involved with other people. Sherry had a number of girl friends from college whom she invited over every now and then. Elie would make polite small talk with them, but didnt find a whole lot in common with them. Their concerns were real enough how to get started on their careers, their personal lives, getting set up in apartments and fitting in a good time now and then. But even though he had recently had to work through some of the same problems himself, he didnt enjoy spending much time talking about them. He would rather talk about some technical problem new and innovative things you could do with computers or about philosophical and religious issues. Occasionally Elie and Sherry double-dated with Felix and Esther, who had just started seeing each other seriously the past year. The first time they dined out together, Felix apologized to Sherry for the tone of the Cushite woman discussion. I guess you discovered, if you didnt know already, that interfaith dating and marriage is a very highly charged political issue among us. The main reason is that we are sincerely concerned about the chances for Jewish group survival. At the same time, on another level I dont question the right of you or Elie or anyone to see whomever they want, to fall in love, and when it comes to that to marry the person they love. Its a decision only you can make, and on a personal level, I will like and respect you for the people you are, more than for your religious allegiance. Why didnt you say that in the discussion? Sherry asked. Thats a good question, Felix conceded. I guess Im still trying to work out for myself what it means to be a Jew living in our contemporary culture. On a difficult topic like the proper relations between Jews and non-Jews, I need first to hear in my mind what the Jewish tradition is saying, and what contemporary culture is saying, then work through towards an integration or settlement between the two. Im not there yet. When were at the Frums house, Im much more disposed to hearing the traditional side of the issue. Here, Im more biased toward the contemporary side. I like you a lot better here, said Sherry. I think Ill stick to talking with you in restaurants. Although they got along well with them, Felix and Esther did not have a whole lot of available time to spend with Elie and Sherry. Esther often had to work evenings at her art gallery, and Felix needed additional time to pursue his writing as well as his regular job. The Jewish High Holy Days came in September. Elie liked the way it turned out, that Sherry could cover for him at the office while he attended synagogue services. He was strongly stirred by the universalistic theme in the prayers, that all peoples should unite in one league to do Gods will, and he thought of his union with Sherry as a step in that grand design. He downplayed in his mind the complementary theme, that the Jews were a special people with a unique filial relationship to God. That notion was a lot less convenient to him in his present frame of mind.
Academic Considerations
A wisp of cool October air came in through the window crack. Elie was sipping his Jasmine tea in front of his home PC, while the aftertaste of Fast Yins Szechwan chicken lingered in his mouth, lulling him into a contented stupor. Sherry was shopping for some fall outfits at Hunt and Peck. There was a logical error somewhere in this PC program, but he wasnt seeing it. It didnt matter. If he could just keep his lifes arrangement as it was, he would count himself happy. The ringing phone startled him out of his reverie. Hello? he answered. Is this Elie Kuhnweiss? Speaking. My name is Deborah Green. Im a student in Professor Ernest Buchmans class on Modern Jewish Society. Were doing a survey on modern Jewish attitudes toward interfaith dating and marriage. He said you would be willing to participate. Is this a good time to talk? Sure. It was as good a time as any. All the information you give will be kept confidential. How old are you? Twenty-eight. Male? Yes. Describe your current religious affiliation. Conservative. Describe your religious education as a child. Hebrew school, three days a week, two hours a day, from age 8 to 13. Were you Bar Mitzvahed? Yes. Describe your parents religious observance. How often did they go to synagogue services? About once a month, Friday night.
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Did they keep kosher? No. Describe your present observance. I attend services twice a month. Actually, he was counting the discussion group as a kind of service. I dont keep kosher. Did you date Jewish or non-Jewish girls in high school? Neither. In college? Both. When it comes to marrying a non-Jew, do you strongly approve, mildly approve, neither approve nor disapprove, mildly disapprove, or strongly disapprove? Neither approve nor disapprove. He wasnt setting out on principle to marry a nonJewish woman just because she was non-Jewish. But if it happened that way, he wasnt opposed to it not now. Maybe a year ago he would have said, mildly disapprove. But a lot had happened since then. Are you currently married, single, divorced, or widowed? Single. Are you currently involved in a serious relationship, a casual relationship, or no relationship? A serious relationship. Is the partner of this relationship Jewish or non-Jewish? Non-Jewish. Thank you for your cooperation. Would you be interested in seeing the results of this survey when it is completed? Yes, I would. Actually, he would get the results directly from Ernest. He called the Jewish Studies department for an appointment.
50
Whither Thou Goest
*******
The next Wednesday Elie met Ernest at the BMOC Sandwich Shop for lunch. The waiter approached them for their orders. Tuna melt with fries, and cranberry seltzer, Elie ordered. Cold tuna on a role with cole slaw and a vanilla milk shake, Ernest responded. How was your trip to Germany? Elie asked. Unnerving. It was hard for me to keep my orientation. I kept going back to the past, then the present would hit me right in my gut. Here was a thriving Jewish community, over a thousand years old, which for all the flight from identity on the part of many of its members, was still one of the most distinguished in the world, both socially and intellectually. And now gone. Search as I may, nothing would bring them back. But you cant let Hitler have the last word. Of course not. So I was thinking of how the mantle of leadership and responsibility now falls on us, the American Jewish community, as the largest in the Diaspora, to keep the tradition alive. How do you see us meeting that responsibility? From the latest demographic surveys, not well at all. A generation ago, ten percent of Jews were marrying non-Jewish partners. Now its over half 52% and rising. Our fertility rate is the lowest of any major ethnic group not enough to replace ourselves, even without the intermarriage factor. Some sociologists are predicting that within a century, the American Jewish community will be a tenth or less of its current size an endangered species. The waiter delivered their sandwiches. Elie nodded acknowledgement and started munching absent-mindedly, provoked by Ernests argument. Ive heard alarmist talk like that, and I cant take it seriously. Ernest, surely you must see more hope for us than that. Look at this college! A generation ago there were no Jewish studies on campus, and now you have a department Jewish history, comparative religion, Hebrew! The students who attend my program are the tail end of the post-baby-boomers. Their parents still enjoyed ethnic solidarity Jews marrying Jews. But thats all changing now. Everythings up for grabs. Its up to your generation to set the direction. Its nice that you study in your spare time and join us for discussions on Shabbat. But the single most important thing you can do for Jewish continuity is to have children and raise them as Jews.
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Elie choked on his cranberry seltzer and started coughing. When he recovered, he was red in the face. Its hardly fair for you to hold me responsible for all of American Jewry! You should be setting the example. Youre older than I am, and youre still single! Touch! Im a slave to duty in public, but a washout in the private domain. Youre not the first person to point it out to me. One of these days, I swear I will do something about it. But your life counts, too. Dont ignore what Im telling you! Forty or fifty years from now, youre going to be living with the decision you make now. I hope for your sake it will be the right one. Thanks for your concern! Believe it or not, I have more riding on this decision than you do. What ever happened to free choice? Elie wolfed down the rest of his sandwich. Ernests attention was so focused on Elie that he barely touched his food. You have free choice. We all have. But it cuts both ways. Our actions have consequences, whether we like it or not. We are a hot-house generation, and sometimes we mistake our sheltered cocoon for reality. We were given so much, we think we can have it all if we are just clever enough to arrange it. But it will catch up with us in the end. I dont think wanting a little happiness at age thirty is asking for too much! Youre smart enough to figure out what price youll be paying. Just dont underestimate the strength of your Jewish loyalty. It runs deep, from what Ive seen. Dont sell yourself short! His lecture done, Ernest settled down to finish his lunch. Elie sat frozen, his fists clenched, glaring at Ernest, angry at him for confronting him with the painful choices he had been avoiding. He was also angry at Sherry, for being that forbidden fruit and so deliciously irresistible. And at God, for artfully rigging the trap that he found so easy to get entangled in, but so hard to escape from. Most of all, he was angry at himself, not knowing what he could have done to avoid the trap, but blaming himself anyway. Like many American Jews, Elie had subscribed from birth to a package of compatible Jewish and American ideals. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God together with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Happiness as in and they lived happily ever after. For him, the pursuit of happiness meant the pursuit of Sherry. The package was falling apart before his eyes.
Ghosts
The address stood in 1-inch block lettering on top of the mailbox: 36 IVY LANE KUHNWEISS. Elie pulled his tan Mazda coupe into the driveway behind his fathers burgundy Pontiac sedan. Then he paused to reflect on the long course of his life that had brought him to this moment. This modest split-level house stamped from the same mold as its many neighbors on the block had been home to Elie for as long as he could remember. Down the street was the corner where he had waited for the school bus; across from his parents home lived the Goldsteins, on whose driveway he had skinned many a knee and once cracked his head playing basketball with Ken and Alan. Along the curbs, the leaves of the maple trees sat in piles awaiting collection; he could remember the years during his childhood when the township still permitted bonfires, which wafted their aroma like sweet incense through the neighborhood each November. Well, arent you going to take me in? Sherrys quiet insistence brought him back to the present. Thanksgiving Day time for Sherry to meet his parents. Of course! Wake up, dunderhead! He got out of the car and opened the door on Sherrys side, then escorted her up the walk to the front door and rang the bell. Sherry, I want you to meet my Mom and Dad. Sherry, do come in! vigorous handshake. Make yourself at home! Raymond Kuhnweiss gave her a
Weve heard so much about you! Come in! Sit down! Sweetheart! Barabara Kuhnweiss gave Sherry a big, wet kiss on the cheek. Let me take your coat! Come in and relax! Wont you have something to drink? Elie was embarrassed at his parents total enthusiasm. They were practically tripping over each other to give her the royal treatment. He hoped she wouldnt feel smothered by their hospitality. But she seemed perfectly at ease with them. On learning that Mr. Kuhnweiss had done accounting for several small businesses in Westwood, where she grew up, she started quizzing him: Did you know Mr. Holdheim, who ran a hardware store at 14th and Main St.? He was a client of mine some 10-15 years ago! The last I heard, he converted it to a True Value franchise. Is he still in business there? Theyre doing just fine. They just celebrated their 25th. One of their daughters, Lee Anne, was a classmate of mine. It must have been some class. Elie tells me you were valedictorian. achievement you can always be proud of! Thats an
Ghosts
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Elie was thankful that nobody mentioned the name of the school St. Theresas Academy. He was also glad that Sherry and his parents were content to share small-town geography, about which he couldnt care less. He excused himself and went up to his room. On the hallway, a picture caught his eye a smiling baby, bald, wide-eyed. His brother, Ike (named after a great-grandfather Isaac, with the nickname in honor of Eisenhower). Died of Tay-Sachs disease when Elie was five. Elie himself was a carrier, too. His college sweetheart, Erica Steinfeld, had come to this house and looked at the picture, asked about it, and turned pale when she heard the story of the little boy who after one year of normal life turned spotted and spastic, and died a year later. Tay-Sachs was one of those rare genetic diseases that if both parents were carriers, their children stood a one-in-four chance of being born with the disease, which was inevitably fatal. The defective gene was carried by 1 in 25 Jews of East European descent, hardly ever found among anyone else. One of the hazards of inbreeding your defective genes were multiplied by contact with others in the same gene pool. Two weeks later, Erica came to Elies dorm room red-eyed after she found out from genetic testing that she was a carrier, too. She told Elie that it was best for both of them if they stop seeing each other. Now she was happily married to Terry OConnor; they lived in a new-construction brick colonial house in Westbury Lakes, he was a junior stock broker, and they had a couple of kids in pre-school. After their break-up, Elie had thrown himself into leading-edge computer technology with a vengeance. His parents nagged him, when would he get over that college romance and start living again? After Ikes death, he was their only remaining child. For them, this was a reason to go back and try again they wanted the family line continued. For him, it was a reason for what he euphemistically called caution (but was really emotional paralysis). Behind each encounter with a Jewish woman, there lurked the memory of Erica (and ultimately of Ike). As for non-Jewish women, Elie wasnt ready to take that step until he met Sherry. Elie was in his own room now, going through old clothes. Maybe something to take back into town with him. A white sweatshirt with blood stain around the collar why had he held on to that? From his car accident three years ago. He had called home for help; his father was in a panic, then was relieved to hear it was only a car accident, bruises, no broken bones. What had he expected? AIDS! A son who hadnt brought a woman home in so many years was probably gay. No wonder Raymond Kuhnweiss was so ecstatic now to find out Elie had discovered a real live flesh-and-blood woman, even if she was Catholic. Hed better head down to the company now. But another photo on the wall arrested his attention his paternal grandparents, Zussel-Hayim (Hyman) and Bronya (Betty). Not religious Jews quite the contrary. But no one would ever accuse them of being insipid or lukewarm about religion or anything else. Zussel Hayim had been a socialist firebrand, who blamed religion for many of the evils of history. Especially the Catholic Church. Always the prop of bankrupt tyrannies, of the ancien rgime in France, the Holy Roman Empire, Metternichs Austria, Francos Spain. Hey Elie, he could hear him saying, what are you doing, bringing a Roman Catholic girl home? At least I hope shes pretty! Elie would have had to explain to him that the Church had changed, and was now a battleground which included some of todays most progressive social thinkers, especially in Latin America. Zadie, remember the Communists you loved to hate? They got toppled by a Polish Catholic labor organizer, a guy very much like yourself. With a little encouragement from a Polish Pope.
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Whither Thou Goest
Had he been alive, Zussel Hayim Kuhnweiss would have put up more of a fight against bringing a Catholic into the family than his lukewarm son Raymond. He saw the world in black and white. For him, Jews were by nature progressive, dissenters, the ferment of discontent. If you pointed out that there were also Jewish conservatives, he would argue back: the exception proves the rule; they had sold out, or been corrupted by a little success. Catholics, on the other hand, were conservative by nature passive as sheep, obedient to authority from the cradle to the grave, lackeys of the status quo. What about Orthodox Jews? Okay, they were obedient to authority in their way, but being loyally Jewish was a subversive act in a Christian world. Dont let them sell you this drivel about the Judeo-Christian heritage, Zussel Hayim would warn Elie. When December rolls around, they make as if Hanukkah and Christmas are the same brand of ice cream in two flavors. Not a word of it is true! Theyre exact opposites. Christmas is the real opiate of the masses. Wretched contentment, Nietzsche called it. You put up the decorations, you pipe in the music, and you celebrate how this miracle child came into the world, welcomed by adoring angels, shepherds and kings, and now everything is perfect. The world is fine the way it is. We didnt have to do a thing. God did it all for us. Hanukkah, on the other hand, celebrates a revolution, a struggle for liberation! We put our lives on the line. The few against the many, the weak against the mighty. We had to dare to be different, to fight for our rights, to go it alone. So what if the Greeks had all the glamour and wealth and material civilization? We had a spiritual ideal. So hear what Im telling you! Dont kowtow to the mediocrity of the status quo. Dare to be different! Elie missed his grandfather. Biased as hell, but you had to admire his persistence. The torch skipped a generation. Like grandfather, like grandson. Maybe it was being different that attracted him to the Saturday discussion group. Maybe for all their differences, Avi and Zussel Hayim had a lot in common. The one a secular radical, the other a religious maverick each was different in his own way.
******
Elie, are you with us? You seem lost in another world! His father brought him back to earth. When Elie comes home, he likes to spend a lot of time in thought, his mother commented. I always think that hes going back in his mind to his early years, reflecting on what he had to go through to get to where he is now. Is that right? Yes, thats it, Elie responded. He thanked her mentally for the alibi. Well, lets gather round and drink a toast. To Elie and Sherry, may they have good news for us in the year to come! His father poured the glasses and raised his own. They drank to that, and sat down to a festive Thanksgiving Day meal.
Moment of Truth
Sunday evening they had leftover turkey and stuffing at Elies apartment. As he watched her in her jeans and plaid flannel shirt, carrying the food from the microwave to the table, he saw her kaleidoscopically through the eyes of everyone he knew Dick Mueller, Avi, Felix, Ernest, his parents, his grandfather. She was in turn the brilliant analyst, the shiksa, the golden girl from Westwood, a tasty dish, Miss Wholesome, Miss Temptress, his salvation from bachelorhood, the Popes lackey, a threat to the Jewish future and all the while innocently unaware of these imputations to her character. His parents had given their couplehood the official stamp of approval. But Sherry persisted on maintaining that frustrating caveat, those three inches of purity. Elie was impatient with the ambiguity; he sought clarity and resolution. That night in bed he squeezed her close to him; his strokings started at her hair, then worked down her body and proceeded resolutely, defiantly toward the forbidden zone. She grabbed his hand away, drew back from him, and pulled the sheet up over herself protectively. You know Im not ready for that, Elie. Come on, Sherry. Seven months is a long time! She propped herself up on one elbow, gave him her winningest smile, and sighed contentedly. Seven wonderful months, seven precious months. I wouldnt give them up for anything. But you know thats not the point. Awkward silence. As he gazed into her liquid blue eyes, windows of her soul, he knew what she was asking of him, and that custom called on him to find the words for her unvoiced request. That hadnt been in his plans for this evening. But if he passed up the opportunity now, it might not come again. It was either advance or retreat. He took the plunge. How would you like for us to get married? Oh, Elie! She clasped herself around him. He hugged her for dear life. All the bright suns of their future were suddenly in the ascendancy, his doubts eclipsed. She was certainly as good as he deserved, maybe better, to be his lifes companion. Nay-sayers be damned! Their passion subsided. She cuddled up to him. You know St. Stephens Church? Its very pretty from the outside. Ive never been in it. Id like us to get married there. Ive wanted to get married there since I was a girl. Wait a minute. Are we sure we want to get married in a church? She took his wrist and turned face forward. From her seriousness, he knew this was now the loyal alumna of St. Theresas Academy talking. You know, those justice-of-the-peace ceremonies arent the real thing. This is a solemn moment before God and man that well
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Whither Thou Goest
remember for the rest of our lives. If were serious about each other and youve just proved we are well do it right. She drew his head to her bosom. He was glad she couldnt see the expression on his face. Avi would be saying Kaddish for him now, and Ernest would be forecasting yet another downward notch of the Jewish demographic curve for the year 2050. Zussel Hayim was clucking his tongue, saying, You cant be too careful with women. Theyll catch you with their honey, but youll always get stung in the end! Elie had strengths he was dimly aware of, but negotiating was not one of them. Another man in his place might have stood his ground and held out for a more evenhanded arrangement, and despite Sherrys strong statement of her opening position, she might have been amenable to compromise. But Elie was a pessimist by disposition, confirmed by experience. Things had worked out badly for him in the past, so he was all too ready to see defeat as inevitable and give in to it. So as crushing as it was to him personally, he accepted Sherrys ultimatum as irreversible. Its not fair, he thought. He had learned from his college experience with Erica Steinfeld what dangers lay for him in consorting with a Jewish woman. Now he was discovering with Sherry what complications could ensue from mating with a gentile woman. All he wanted was to lead a decent life, to have a chance for his own happiness and to make the people around him happier. He also felt a responsibility to the Jewish people, to perpetuate the Jewish way of life and help raise the next generation in it. This was the basic problem of his life. The requirements of the problem appeared simple, but the solution seemed quite beyond him now. Elie remembered a rabbinic saying that Sarah had once quoted. The last of the great miracles was the splitting of the Red Sea. What has God done since then to exercise His great powers? He has been the Great Matchmaker, arranging the marriages of His creatures. This is as difficult as splitting the Red Sea, but at least we can live in the comfort that our destinies are preordained and our mates have been chosen for us with divine wisdom. Elie didnt believe in a God who intervened that way in human affairs, but he thought ruefully that even if he had, he could only draw the conclusion that God had made a royal mess of things. Go with a Jewish woman, and you risk wrecking the relationship on Tay-Sachs. Go with a gentile woman, and you lose all hope of Jewish progeny. What, in Gods name, was a person to do? Elie remembered that Hanukkah was approaching. Two thousand years ago the Maccabees had led the Jewish people in a historic struggle to uphold their distinctive way of life. That struggle was still going on today. His grandfather had initiated him in the struggle, laying on him the injunction: dare to be different. It was time to show if he was worthy of that charge.
Festival of Lights
Sherry could not believe her good fortune. In a little over a year on this job, she had been assigned to the most interesting project she could imagine, and had fallen in love with her lead analyst. And now he had asked her to marry him! Karen had hugged her like an older sister when she heard the news. Dick had called it the union of the sun and the moon. She was making an effort to keep her radiance within proper bounds when she was at the office, but when she was alone on the street or in her apartment, she was singing and dancing for joy. And yet she knew that things were not perfect. Her mother had wished her well on hearing the news of the engagement, and looked forward to seeing the two of them on Christmas. But Sherry sensed some reserve; on a deeper level, her mother was not fully reconciled to her daughter marrying a Jewish man. Something was a little odd about Elie, too. He had been even more quiet than his usual self since Thanksgiving. Understandably, he was not entirely happy about being married in St. Stephens. She was sure he would get over it once he saw it and met Father Grabowski, the most cherubic personality this side of heaven. She and Elie would be going now to the Frums to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. It was over six months now since that ludicrous discussion about Moses and the Cushite woman. Elie had begged her not to tell them the news. She didnt care what Avi and the others thought about her now, but agreed for Elies sake. When they arrived, Avi ushered her into the living room and helped her with her coat. Its so good to see you again! he said, smiling broadly. She didnt know whether he was being sincere or polite. Its good that we can celebrate the holiday season together, she murmured. Avi called the group to attention. They all stood by the windows facing the street, as the Frums Avi, Sarah, Jeremy, and Rebecca arranged colored candles in four candelabras of various traditional and modern designs. Each one had nine sockets, but they placed candles in only two, leaving the other seven empty. Felix explained to Sherry that on each of the eight nights one more candle was added, until the menorah was full. The members of the group sang the blessings in Hebrew while the Frums passed the light from candle to candle. There followed a very churchy-sounding hymn: Rock of Ages, let our song / Praise thy saving Power.... She looked for Elie, but he was on the other side of the room, with Ernest. Sarah invited them to sit down to dinner. Sherry found herself next to Avi. He passed her some fish sticks and potato pancakes. What are you doing for Christmas? he asked her. Sherry was surprised and flattered that this bearded Orthodox Jew was showing interest in her holiday. Ill be spending it at home with my parents, she said, protecting Elies cover.
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I dont know if you think of Hanukkah as the Jewish Christmas, or if your knowledge has advanced beyond that stage, he inquired with a wink. I know its not like Christmas, but I dont know much beyond that. About two hundred years before the start of Christianity, we Jews had a little war with a Syrian king. It was little by the worlds standards, but big for us. He wanted to force us to worship pagan idols. We wanted to worship God as we had been commanded in the Bible. So it was a war of religious liberty. We won. In celebration, we instituted a holiday thats been celebrated ever since for eight days each year. He sampled a potato pancake with spiced applesauce, then nodded approval of his wifes cooking. Isnt eight days rather long for celebrating a historical event of that long ago? We only celebrate the birth of our Lord for one day. She tried the fish sticks with horseradish sauce. Not bad. Dont ask me why. Ernest is the expert on historical matters, but theres a legend that when they cleaned the Temple, they wanted to light the Temple lamp, but there was only a days worth of pure olive oil available. They lit it anyway, and it lasted for eight days, long enough to prepare fresh oil. Thats a charming story. Sherry smiled. It was cute but were they really serious that a legend like that could be the basis of a major celebration? Why do you use one light to light the others? she asked. If you had to build a fire by rubbing sticks together, youd rather just do it once. Matches were invented yesterday, but weve been lighting fire for thousands of years. So lets forget about modern contraptions, and take a light from the Maccabees! He chuckled. He was not the ogre she had had in her mind since the last discussion. He could even be nice if you werent on his wrong side. Sherry relaxed with a glass of wine, and opened up to Sarah, who was telling Esther the secret of making delicious potato pancakes. She quizzed Jeremy about his basketball trophies, and Rebecca about her teachers. Felix wanted to hear about Mr. CHIPS. Only Ernest limited himself to a short, Hi, how are you, and turned back to a private discussion with Elie from which she felt herself excluded. About nine oclock, Elie said to her they should be leaving. They got their coats, said their good-byes, and he drove her back to her apartment. I wonder what you were discussing with Ernest, she asked. Oh, scholarly stuff. Theories about how the holiday of Hanukkah became established in the ancient Jewish world.
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I dont get it, she said. Religions are supposed to stand for ideals, such as peace. In this country we have military celebrations the Fourth of July, Veterans Day but theyre not religious. How is it that you not only have a religious celebration of a military event, but you have it last for eight whole days? Elie took a right turn too fast as he sped through a yellow light. Look, in Judaism we dont draw such a fine line between religious and secular matters. Judaism is our religion, its also our way of life as a people, a nation. So it all comes together in one calendar. Every nation has to fight for its survival, and is entitled to celebrate when it wins. Were no different. Okay, you dont have to get upset. Im just asking. They were at her building. Sherry took out her keys and opened the front door. Elie followed her into the vestibule. Tomorrow night were invited to Ernests for candle lighting. Im going. Do you want to come? II dont think so. She was still not entirely at ease with Elies Jewish friends. And something about Ernest frightened her after tonights encounter. Well, then, Ill see you at work tomorrow, and drop by tomorrow evening around eight. Good night. He was gone before she knew it. She was surprised he didnt even come up, much less spend the night. Why this sudden distance now that they were engaged?
*********
Monday at work was business as usual. Mr. CHIPS was controlling a whole array of devices lights, radio, microwave, VCR. Elie was writing up a preliminary sales presentation. Sherry was preparing a user guide to setting up the instructions for home use. At the end of the day, he kissed her before leaving for Ernests, the way one would kiss a great-aunt at a funeral. Sherry had cold chicken and salad for supper, then threw some laundry in the machine. Eight oclock came and went, and no sign of Elie. Her impatience and anxiety mounted, as the minutes ticked by. She tried reading the newspaper rapes, robberies, massacres. The TV sitcoms were mildly amusing, but could not take her mind off the inconsideration of one who after promising to love her was leaving her high and dry. Finally, at a quarter to ten her buzzer rang. She buzzed him up. Is this your idea of eight oclock? You could at least have phoned. Im sorry, the discussion was so absorbing, I lost track of the time. Thats not like you. Youre always as punctual as the TV commercials. Somethings going on, and I want you to let me in on it. Nothings going on.
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Whatever it was, she couldnt get to the bottom of it. He was as stubborn as a batterydead car at zero degrees. He slept on her apartment sofa that night, but did not come near her. She felt that the Cushite woman had it better. Their first holiday season together, and the love was draining out of their relationship like bathwater out of a cracked tub. She cried softly into her pillow, and hoped he didnt hear her.
*********
Tuesday night, Elie attended the Hanukkah celebration at Felixs, and didnt even ask if she wanted to come. He seemed more zealous at fighting the Syrians than devoted to cheering his bride. But at least he showed up at her apartment on the stroke of eight. She took his hand. He withdrew it, and and looked away at the floor. I have a hunch whats bothering you, if youd like to talk about it, she offered. Try me. He looked like he was about to have a tooth pulled. Its about the wedding. You dont like having it at St. Stephens. I never said a word against it. Maybe not, but youve been carrying on a silent tantrum ever since I mentioned it. Apparently youre leaving it to me to figure out what youre trying so hard not to communicate. Elie had been avoiding eye contact ever since he had come in, but now he turned as if stung, and glared right at her. I didnt think my religious commitment counted against yours. You proposed your church without a thought for my feelings in the matter, just because Im not a regular synagogue Jew. What does that make our children Catholics? I never thought You never thought that for me to participate in a church wedding, Id have to pledge to raise my children in the Church. Well, this religious imperialism has been going on for too long, and its time for it to stop. In the fourth century, Ernest tells me, Jews were not allowed to have Christians as domestic servants, for fear they would be Judaized. In the twelfth century Elie, look at me! Im Sherry. I didnt do anything to you in the fourth or the twelfth century. I wasnt born yet! He waved his hand impatiently, and started pacing like a caged lion. Sherry stood behind a sofa for protection. And Ill tell you what else. You feel so smug and superior about Christianity being a religion of peace, because you celebrate Christmas instead of Hanukkah. Sleep in heavenly peace. Well, I ask you who has been fighting all the wars for the last two
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thousand years? Christians, thats who. Onward Christian soldiers. Knights in shining armor, slaying the Saracens when they arent pursuing the Holy Grail. And killing Jews as a warm-up for embarking on their crusades. So they called a truce every year time out to celebrate Christmas and praise the Prince of Peace. Then back to killing your enemy. Whoever said love your enemy must have been off his rocker. This was not the Elie she knew. She wished that this was an imposter, a twin brother escaped from a mental hospital with delusions of being Elijah the prophet. She knew it was foolish to argue with anyone in such a state, especially about religion, and especially when it was so clearly an escape from dealing honestly with personal problems. But his taunt at Jesus pricked her honor. Foolish or not, she couldnt let it pass. Love your enemy is one of the noblest sentiments ever expressed. Its one of the hardest to live by, that Ill grant. But for that very reason, we should all be reaching above ourselves to attain it for the rest of our lives. The one who expressed it, even if you dont revere him as God, you should at least respect as one of the greatest teachers who ever lived. A Jewish teacher, at that. For a moment, she thought she might be getting through to him. He unclenched his hands, stood relaxed, and took a few deep breaths. Then he started gazing queerly at her, as if she were some odd specimen of religious survival from the Dark Ages. Sherry, you amaze me. You really believe that Jesus was the Son of God. Do you believe in the Virgin Birth, the whole thing? I dont know if I should be talking to you when youre this way. Yes, of course I do. Well, she had her own interpretation on this one, too. I dont get it. You live in the twentieth century. Surely you must know that there has to be a rational explanation for these things. He started pacing again. The whole idea that the world can be redeemed by a baby being born in a stable is so unrealistic anyway. But what they wanted was an ideal of absolute, unapproachable purity. What could be purer than a woman giving birth without having sex? But the world isnt changed by people who abstain from life in order to remain pure. Jesus was a real shaker and a mover. Ill grant you that. He doesnt strike me as such a pure type. And I dont think his mother was so pure, either. She knew how to get around. Josephs suspicions of her were certainly justified. She couldnt believe her ears. He was blaspheming her religion. She would have no more of it. Elie, stop this minute! Get out of my house. Go back to your place. Get a good nights sleep. Well talk about this another time. Please leave now! She helped him get his coat on, and saw him out the door. Then she collapsed sobbing on her bed.
Irene
Irene Szymanski (ne Kolokowski) remembered the sea change that had come into her life at age 8, and measured everything against that change. For it was then that her father, Leszeck, had brought the family across the ocean, from a Poland that had just endured a traumatic war and was becoming Communist, to America. His favorite phrase of that year was, Now life will be good! He repeated this over and over again. It had several practical implications for her. She would no longer have to count the number of slices of bread she could eat each day, or eggs each month, and they could eat meat even on weekdays. She could play outside the house during the day without fear. She would not be awakened by gunshots at night. She would have to learn a different second language English instead of German but the people who spoke it were good people, not enemies. There would be no more deep, dark secrets she had known in Poland that Mama was hiding somebody somewhere, but she had been strictly forbidden even to inquire about it, let alone know the hiding-place, let alone meet them! Now Mama smiled more; her anger (when necessary) conjured up not the fear of death, but only the fear of a good, swift spanking (which was still more than enough to bring Irene and her brothers to the table for dinner before you could say Stanislawski). They lived a block from the center of town. The owner of the haberdashery Mr. Steinberg was Jewish. His children did not go to St. Stephens. They would visit him at the store on Saturday. One day some boys from her class were chasing the Steinberg children and taunting them, You killed our Lord! Irene was puzzled, because although she knew from the Bible that there were Jews who had a hand in Jesuss death, she had never connected it with the Jews whom she saw today, who didnt seem any better or worse than anyone else. She reported this incident to her mother. Maryas face hardened into the mask of fury that she had not put on since the boat ride across the Atlantic. How dare they! Do they think theyre back in the old country? This is America! The girl suddenly understood that in America you didnt hate or fight or make war, and God rewarded you with good food and spacious yards, with peace and security. To violate the one would endanger the other, and then life would be hell again, and Mama would have to wear her mask of stern retribution (which Mama didnt want to wear any more than Irene wanted to see her wear it). Many years later, when Irene was pregnant with Sherry, and Pope John XXIII struck the words perfidios Judaeos out of the Good Friday service, she was gratified at his clarification of the obvious. Of course the Holy Church had never meant to preach hatred or intolerance, and for whatever reason those words had been in the liturgy (which must have been good reason at the time, but now beyond our comprehension), they might give some people the wrong idea (like those rude boys in front of Mr. Steinbergs store). So the Holy Father was right to remove the stumbling-block that blind people might trip over in their misguided zeal. He was demonstrating the compatibility of Catholic and American values, at least as much as (and more profoundly than) Bing Crosby in his portrayal of the priest in The Bells of St. Marys. On the other hand, Irene did not like the translation of the liturgy into English. A language so ordinary, so commercial it robbed the holy service of its mystery and devotion. Praying in Polish was better; it reminded her of the fortress her family had been in her early childhood, protecting her from the cruelty around them. It also had associations of the special Polish feast-days, especially that of St. Stanislaus, who had defended the honor of the Church against the corrupt King Boleslaw. Praying in Latin was best.
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But now Sherry was presenting her with yet another challenge! It was one thing to say the Jews were equally Gods children, entitled to dignity and respect. It was something else again for a girl raised in the service of the one true apostolic Church to consider giving herself to one who denied Christ. But who, after all, knew what was in Gods mind? Her father, Leszeck, used to say: God gives you a head to think, the priest gives you a potion to drink. (Probably picked it up in his socialist days.) Irene could not identify with the implied irreverence to Church authority in her fathers words, but she also picked up from them a deeper reverence for the ability of the human mind, created in Gods image, to discover truth independently. Maybe she should trust Sherry to find her own way.
CHIPS on the Rocks

Mike Johnson prided himself on being a hands-off manager. He gave his people the resources they needed to succeed, then he stepped back and gave them free rein. They rewarded him with one success story after another. For a long time, it appeared that the CHIPS project was going to be another easy winner. But lately there were signs of trouble. Mike decided it was time to call Elie and Sherry in for a conference. Sherry had called in sick the day after their blow-up. For the next week, Elie and Sherry had warily avoided each other. She was now doing most of her work in the computer library in order to avoid sharing the cubicle space with him. They were working listlessly and absentmindedly, without a trace of their usual dynamism. And their failure to communicate with each other was inviting trouble, since they were working on closely related parts of the same system. Elie and Sherry sat down nervously before Mike in the room housing the CHIPS system. Ill come right to the point, Mike said. Immediately after the new year, I plan to demo this system to a purchasing agent for a luxury home appliance store. Two weeks ago it seemed ripe to present. But heres whats happening now. He flicked on the switch. It took a minute to start up. Mike entered some commands. The console beeped a few times. Then all hell broke loose. The lights kept blinking randomly. The radio came on and off every few seconds. And from the voice-response unit came a continuous stream of playback of all the stored messages in the message bank, alternating between Sherrys voice and Elies voice, in increasing speed and volume, as if Mr. and Mrs. CHIPS were staging a domestic quarrel for all the floor to hear. Elie and Sherry looked at each other and laughed through their tears as they saw their own troubles reflected in their golem-creation. Mike turned off the CHIPS machine. Elie volunteered: Programs can do strange things in processing loops, but this is one of the weirdest Ive come across. Well fix it for you as fast as we can. Mike responded: I have full faith in your technical ability to fix this problem. But Im concerned about some of the interpersonal dynamics on this team. What you do with your personal lives is none of my business as long as you make my systems hum. Youve done a great job for most of this year, and for that I thank you. If theres a temporary glitch, no sweat, we can patch it up and move on. But if for whatever reason the two of you cant work productively together, let me know and Ill arrange to get one of you assigned to a different project. You dont have to give me an answer now. Think it over and get back to me in a few days. Elie and Sherry nodded. They would now have to address their personal issues with at least some semblance of openness and honesty. They went down to Francess Cafeteria, where they could talk with more privacy than on the floor. They got their coffee and sat down in a booth. I owe you an apology, Elie started. First about Thursday night. Theres no excuse for the things I said to you. I must have been off my rocker.
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Dont plead insanity. You wanted to hurt me, and you set out to do it. You did it very well. Well then, will you let me plead self-defense? I dont know. I never meant to hurt you. If I did so unintentionally, then for heavens sake let me know so I can make it up to you. I dont think its anything thats in your voluntary control. In a way, the fault is all mine. I thought I could handle the difference in our religious backgrounds, and I was wrong. I got in over my head. I dont know when I first realized that it was too much for me. Whatever I said to you that Thursday night was my clumsy way of trying to extricate myself, to reclaim that Jewish self of mine that was getting swallowed up. Im sorry that I handled it so badly and hurt you as a result. You would have hurt me in any case. Losing him wasnt going to be easy, no matter how it was handled. But she didnt feel like baring her heart to him at this point. She struggled to keep her composure. If its any consolation to you, I have loved you more than I ever loved anyone before. No matter what happens from now on, Im grateful for having had the chance to meet you. I got to know a very special person, and I learned a lot about myself by being with you. Im glad the pleasure has outweighed the pain for you. Im not sure I can say the same for myself. But tell me if you love me, then what do you intend to do about it? I dont know. Im going to have to let things settle for a while. He wanted to let the events of the recent past recede into the background. I was alone for many years before I met you, so Im no stranger to solitude. I need to explore, in the space of my own privacy, what my Jewishness means to me and how I want to express it. Then he could decide whether he could still enter into a relationship with her without compromising his integrity. Better not to talk of that to her now. I wish I could promise you something in a personal way. But I dont want to disappoint us both a second time. When will you know if you can make such a promise? Id rather not get my hopes up even to raise that question. I would rather assume from the outset that its not possible. If I found out anything to change my mind, youll be the first to know. But I know lots of people who are religiously intermarried or inter-dating and happily so. And I know a lot of people who are religiously very indifferent to begin with. If two people are indifferent to religion, their differences arent important enough to fight over. But quite honestly, if religion didnt matter to you, I dont think I would have been as interested in
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you as I have come to be. Unfortunately that religious interest which we both share is also a great source of conflict for us. So you see no hope for us? Id rather have no hope than false hope. I guess that makes me a pessimist. But I dont want to predict what the future holds in store. If you want to peek into the future, I have no argument, and I wont compete with you in that department. Myself, I need to live in the present. Right now I have my work cut out for me. My immediate goal is to learn to be as good a Jew as you are a Christian. Its clear from my putting it this way how much I owe to you and how much I have learned from you. But our recent experience has also taught me that living with you is going to hinder me from reaching that goal rather than helping me. Its my own task, and I have to work it out myself. At the same time, I dont want to lose contact with you. The CHIPS project is as much yours as mine. If you can tolerate me still, Id like to continue working on it with you. I will try very hard to be more considerate of you from now on than I was in the past two weeks. Sherry pondered for a moment. Much as it pained her to maintain contact with Elie under these conditions, it would pain her more to break off the contact completely. And maybe, just maybe, they could rekindle the fire of their relationship. Ill do it with you, she said. For old times sake. Thanks. He smiled at her for the first time in two weeks, and she smiled weakly back. So now lets pull ourselves together and fix that problem.
Christmas
The next two weeks passed in a limbo beyond pleasure and pain. Somehow Elie and Sherry managed to put their personal life aside and cooperate as professionals. They patched up the CHIPS system, which emerged stronger and sounder than it had ever been before. Then it was Christmas break, and Sherry packed her bag and took the train from the city to the suburb where her parents lived. During the train ride and the short walk from the train station to her parents bungalow, Sherry played back in her mind the whole years events from the last time she had come home for Christmas. A year ago, Elie had been just her cubicle mate. As month followed month, he had become her project partner, then he had started romancing her, they had dated, they had become lovers, and they were going to meet each others families. She had met his. But before he could reciprocate, the whole relationship had unraveled. She was going home to disappointment. This Christmas would be haunted by the memory of her so-recent expectations, by the image of what might have been. She could have let herself in with the key, but she wanted the comfort of a formal greeting. She rang the bell. Her mother, Irene, answered and opened the door. Sherry stepped in and put down her suitcase, then reached out for a hug. A long, embracing, comforting motherdaughter hug. This was one relationship that would not evaporate at a lovers whim. She could count on it. Her soft sobs were in part mourning her disappointment, in part gratitude for what she still had. She let go, dried her eyes, and smiled. Well, Mom, Im home. Its good to have you home. Meeting your friend would have been nice, but it looks like it wasnt meant to be. The most important thing is that youre here, youre alive and well, and whatever happened, youll grow from it and move on! Growing up can be so hard and painful at times. I know it can. Remember, I was young once too. You can talk about it if you want, and if not, well talk about other things. Sherry smiled and kissed her mom again. Then she hung up her coat, took her suitcase upstairs, and took a few minutes to relax. She heard the front door open again. Hi! Anyone home? Sherry recognized her sister Cathys voice. Hi, Cathy! Im home for the holiday, Sherry responded. How was your dramatics this term? Sherry knew that Cathy, a sophomore in college, had already been home for the past two days.
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The daughters helped their mom put the finishing touches on the dinner and set the table in festive style. Soon their father Carl arrived after picking up their grandmother Marya, Irenes mother, from Worthington House, a residential-care facility. With her family around her, Sherry felt secure as she prepared to experience the holiday. For her, Christmas was a realm of never-failing comfort and joy, beyond the power of human misfortune to obliterate. It was a celebration of the power of newly-born innocence over death, corruption and decay. The evergreen tree, like her mothers hug, represented the good in life that never changes. It occurred to her that many new things had been born in her life the past year, and if they were truly good, they would not die. She would find some future, with or without Elie, to exercise the qualities of giving, mutuality, tenderness, and love that had been awakened in her. But preferably it would be with Elie. She would play optimist to his pessimist. The good tidings of Christmas nourished her congenital optimism at a time when it was very much in need of nourishment. Maybe she needed a miracle. But at this time of year, she was fortified in her belief that miracles are possible. As she listened to the carols in church, she felt herself part of a wave of love that arose from hundreds of thousands of churches world-wide, embracing hundreds of millions of people. Was Elie a part of this wave? He said that he loved her, and she believed him. But he seemed as if weighted down by some deep, dark secret. Even had he come, she doubted that he would have participated wholeheartedly in the spirit of this day. Then why did she want him? Maybe so that she could draw him in and help him become a part of this? The midnight mass started. Her eyes settled on the crche, and on a nativity painting on the wall. There was the little baby Jesus, and Sherry thought as she looked at it, what a beautiful Jewish baby boy. Jesus was a Jewish boy, and so was Elie. What of it? They were so different. Elie could be truly darling in his way (when he wasnt in the middle of a break-up), but Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived, and more. Oh, well. Mustnt make too much of such a coincidence. O God who has made this most hallowed night resplendent with the glory of the true Light, grant that we who have known the mysteries of that Light on earth, may enter into the fullness of his joys in heaven. For Sherry, Jesus was that one man uniquely resplendent with the glory of the true light. God had shown his love for his creatures by coming to share the human condition through the man Jesus the Jew. But even before Jesus, God had revealed himself for centuries through the Jewish people. Did God still have a plan for the Jewish people? Even for Jews like Elie, who treated all supernatural claims with the same skepticism? And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
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How strange that even though Jesus was a Jew, born among Jews, the Jews did not accept him or the good tidings of Christmas. Something melancholy seemed to her to speak from the eyes of those Jews she had met. (Or was this her projection? How can one tell what anothers eyes really express?) Were they missing something, or did they know something that she didnt? Maybe it was this melancholic strain that she found troublesome in Elie. She would have to get to the bottom of it.
******
Christmas morning a fresh snow clothed the streets and yards of the neighborhood in a garb of purity. In the morning, presents, breakfast, and cheery banter. They talked of Cathy and sororities and college dramatics. Sherry was relieved they did not inquire about her. Dinner preparation took hours. They went for a walk in the park, leaving their footprints in the fresh snow by the creek. That put them in the mood for a hot toddy. Then it was time for Christmas dinner, with only pleasant thoughts exchanged. After dinner, Carl was absorbed in the television sports, and Cathy was in her room, on the phone to some high-school friends. This was the opportunity for which Sherry had been waiting, to speak her heart to her mother. They sat across from each other in the living room. Grandma Marya was with them too. Her English was not good enough to participate fully in the conversation, but she would understand most of what was said. Irene was fluently bilingual in English and Polish, and could translate if necessary. Sherry told her mother how it had all happened, how she had started as junior colleague to this shy but brilliant systems analyst, but through the happenstance of a skiing accident had suddenly been thrust into the lead role. Impressed by his brilliance, she was caught off-guard by his vulnerability, but it was his considerateness and sensitivity that finally won her lasting affection. Everything was going just fine for us until we started talking about marriage. Then it was as if he became another person. He turned cold, secretive, and hostile. One night he came to my apartment and let loose a long barrage about how Christians may talk peace at Christmas, but all they do the rest of the year is kill one another and kill Jews. I had to ask him to leave. You know, dear, a lot of men are scared off when you talk of marriage, even in the best of circumstances. But your friend is of a different religious background. That only makes it so much harder. Did you ever discuss religion? Sometimes. He would ask me about my religious practices, and I would ask about his. He didnt seem all that religious. But in the last couple of weeks, it was as if a demon got hold of him. Suddenly he turned into a fanatic about observing the eight days of Hanukkah. Irenes face clouded over, and she lowered her voice. The Jewish people have been through a lot. I was a little girl growing up in Poland when the worst of it happened. You cant blame them too much if they harbor resentment against us. Elie never talked about the Holocaust. I dont know if it entered into his thinking.
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You never know what may be motivating him. He may not know himself. But you should understand this. It was a terrible time. Bad for the Polish people, worse for the Jews. We have told you of the people my mother helped during the war. Yes. It is harder to talk about those whom we tried to help but couldnt. Here Marya, who had been listening the whole while, started talking to Irene in Polish. Irene translated for Sherry. Your grandmother says that once she gave shelter for three months to a Jewish girl of about seventeen or eighteen. One day she heard that her boyfriend had been located in a town four miles away. She insisted on making the journey there despite the dangers. Grandma tried to dissuade her, without success. Grandma finally did the best she could to disguise her, bleaching her hair and dressing her in peasant garb. The girl set out one night in quest of her lover. She was never heard from again. Marya said something else to Irene in Polish. Irene protested back in the same language. What did Grandma say? Sherry asked. She says that all the souls of the Jews who perished in the Holocaust have been wandering the earth since then, and will come back to finish their lives that were cut short. Irene and Sherry laughed quietly. They found Grandmas superstitions amusing or was there some hidden meaning that escaped them? Marya smiled, and motioned for Sherry to approach her. granddaughter in her halting English. You love this boy? Yes, Grandma. He is a good, honest man? Yes, Grandma. The Jews are good people. Listen to your heart. God will help you find a way. Sherry gave her grandmother a long hug. She had never loved her more. Marya addressed her
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******
That evenings talk stimulated Sherry to seek out more information about the fate of the Jews in the war. Back in the city, she went to a bookstore and asked for books that would help her. The sales clerk directed her to the proper corner of the store. She selected a book, attracted by the authors first name. The book was Night by Elie Wiesel.
The Suffering Servant

Without beauty, without majesty (we saw him), no looks to attract our eyes; a thing despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering, a man to make people screen their faces; he was despised and we took no account of him. And yet ours were the sufferings he bore, ours the sorrows he carried. But we, we thought of him as someone punished, struck by God, and brought low. Yet he was pierced through for our faults, crushed for our sins. (Isaiah, Chapter 53)
The book was slim. She started and finished it the same night she bought it. Then she carried it with her the next few weeks, re-reading it and digesting its implications. It was an autobiographical memoir, quasi-fictional in style, Biblical in its intensity. The story was simple. In the waning years of the war, the German army penetrated Hungary and occupied the small town where the narrator lived. After a few weeks of deceptively peaceful occupation, the Jews were loaded into boxcars and deported to a place that they learned on arrival was Auschwitz. After losing his mother and sisters immediately, the narrator survived in the Auschwitz slave labor camp for nearly a year, and endured the death march to Buchenwald at the very end of the war. His father, whose presence had sustained him throughout that time, died just before the liberation of Buchenwald. The physical suffering, for all its horror, was the simplest to comprehend. Starvation rations black coffee for breakfast, a thin soup for lunch, a crust of bread for dinner. Clothing and shelter were inadequate against the cold nights of summer, let alone the cruel bite of winter. Frequent beatings were part of the normal regimen. The moral degradation of the camps was more insidious. Being treated as vermin by the anti-Semites was an assault on ones self-respect, leaving neither the proudest nor the humblest unscarred. Worse still was the constant temptation to sink to the animal level to collaborate with the enemy for an extra crust of bread or plate of soup in order to preserve ones life. Dominating all was the presence of death, a presence at once physical and mental. The fires of the crematory dominated the landscape; the smell of burned human flesh was inescapable. The vast majority of Jews arriving at Auschwitz were selected for gassing at once. Those selected for life never forgot their narrow escape, and remembered with guilt the relatives and friends who went the other way. Even in the work camps, death remained a way of life death from starvation, illness and cold, death for disobedience, death from additional selections, gratuitous death.
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But the supreme challenge and suffering was religious. If one stood in relationship to God before coming to Auschwitz, that relationship would not remain unscathed. When the New Year arrived, should one praise God as before? Should one refrain, out of anger? Should one praise God anyway, to spite God, as if to say: You, God, have let me down, but I will prove myself better than you? Should one eat ones meager ration on the fast day of Atonement, as the law commands (since preserving life overrides the requirement of fasting), or should one fast out of defiance? Sherry shuddered at the Nazis cruelty, the Jews pain, and wondered how it was possible for the one to create such a hell, or for the other to endure it. She would be sick, except for knowing that in such extremity the sufferers could still turn to God, in anger or in resignation, and spend their last moments crying their hearts out to Him. She felt in need of an extra dose of Gods grace just to read of their ordeal. In redemptive suffering, the incarnation of God. A familiar notion now sorely challenged by awesome realities. Please forgive me, you who saw your sufferings as brought about by Christianity, if I sustain myself with the faith that I have been raised in. She reached in her bag for her glass-bead Fatima rosary, a confirmation gift from Grandma, every bead a prayer. She started meditating on the sorrowful mysteries Our Father, who art in Heaven and what were You doing in Heaven, while all this was happening to Your children on earth? Give us this day our daily bread but not the mocking crust of starvation. Hail Mary, full of grace you took their pain as your own, as you felt the terror of Herods decree condemning your holy child. At least then the road to Egypt was not barred. Where would you have escaped to in 1941? Would the camp doctor have motioned you to the right, or to the left? Gethsemane. Boxcar vigil unto death. Let this cup pass from me. Scourging. Beaten because you smiled. Beaten because you didnt smile. Despised and rejected by men, lamb of God that bears the sins of the world. Crown of thorns. Yellow star, tattooed number 91463. Are you the poisoner of the wells of culture, fomenter of anarchy, manipulator of markets, Communist saboteur? It is you who say that I am. Carrying the cross. Compiling lists of the saved and the damned. Digging their graves, to be shot and toppled into them. Carrying their brothers from the ovens to the crematoria. Either you put the knife to your throat, or we do it for you. Crucifixion. The eleven year old boy whom Wiesel saw in the camp, angel too light for the noose, lingering with blue tongue while his fellow prisoners were marched before him. Where is God? one asked. There he is, on the gallows! The ghosts were now in the room with her, beckoning her to join them. The rosary left her more bewildered than reconciled. She had to bring the issue to a higher court of appeal.
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The church was only a few blocks from her apartment. It was a mild January evening; a little snow remained on the grass, but the sidewalks were clear. She let herself into the sanctuary. She chose a pew directly in front of the crucified Jesus, and sat down. She gazed a long time at the figure of Jesus and recognized in his eyes the melancholy look that she had come in her mind (whether rightly or wrongly) to associate with so many Jewish faces. The all-too-human aspect of Jesus started gaining ascendancy in her conception of him. You poor innocent, she addressed him in mock reproach. Did you ever know what real suffering was? Of course you did. But even so, you had it easy. Your ordeal was over in a night and a day. Your kinfolk had to endure theirs for twelve long years. So how did you get to be the paradigm of suffering for the world? The face of Jesus seemed to gaze back at her with its familiar aspect of infinite pain and resignation. Could I help it? I was born when I was born, and I did what I did. What happened, happened. And do you think my suffering stopped then? Of course not. I believe that you share in the pain and suffering that happens in the world every day, and help make our load easier. But Im curious do you participate more in the suffering of Christians or Jews? What do you think? I think that you care for us all, especially those of us in this church and all churches who have come to revere you and love you. But I think that in your heart of hearts you feel the tug of Jewish loyalty, and are especially pained by the persecution of the Jewish people. And it pains you most of all when those who call themselves Christians persecute your fellow Jews, and do it in your name. You understand me well. No, she thought, Ive only just begun to understand you and Avi, and Felix, and maybe even Elie. A long road, only just begun. What is the next step? Someone had reached out to her when the stares of the others had branded her Cushite/shiksa. Someone she could trust now. A thrill of resolution carried her back into the cool night, under bare supplicating trees, and up the warm-oak familiar stairs to her apartment. She located Esthers number in her address book, and dialed it with the calm knowledge of destiny.
At the Art Gallery

Wednesday night Sherry left work at the end of the day and took the bus to Esthers art gallery. It was a double storefront in the middle of a block of modest stores and restaurants, convenient to campus and a blended neighborhood of yuppies and old-timers. The gallery had ample walls and partitions displaying paintings of mostly unknown contemporary artists, with a few pieces by Esther herself. There were imitation Utrillos and mock-Impressionist landscapes, nouveau abstracts, collages, and experimental pieces. A case near the cash register displayed novel artistic jewelry intricate designs, faces, and animal figures on rings, earrings, and necklaces. Sherry browsed around the store while Esther answered some questions for a customer. The customer left, and they were alone in the store. Welcome to my little sanctum, Esther greeted her, showing her a chair by the back wall. Sherry took it. Esther drew up another chair facing her. This is really neat. How long have you had this place? About four years. I was lucky. I started working for the former owner of this place, then he retired and moved to Florida. My parents helped me out with a loan, and I was able to buy him out. You said you wanted to talk about some things. What brings you here? Its a long story. I dont know if youre aware that Elie and I broke up. I guessed, but I wasnt sure. Thats a shame. You seemed good for each other. You really seemed to perk him up. Sherry sighed, smiled wistfully, and rested her elbows on her knees. Esther gave her a little hug. I know what its like to lose someone, Esther continued. You hurt, and you wonder if youll ever be happy again. Have hope. Youre a great person to get to know, and youll get someone you deserve. Maybe even Elie. Sherry smiled. She had anticipated Esthers reassurance, and it felt good. Theres time enough for that, she said. Love is important, but theres so much more to life than that. Something about being with Elie that I didnt even appreciate until now, is how it introduced me to someone of a background other than my own. By the way, I never thanked you adequately for the way you stood up for me at that discussion at Avis house. Oh, think nothing of it. It was the only decent thing to do. People turn to religion to find meaning in their lives, but they should never lose sight of the fact that the purpose of it all is to treat each other better as human beings. Who do you think was right in that discussion? I think they were each right from their own point of view. But they were wrong to air their differences with you right there caught in the middle. And youll pardon me for saying this
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about Elie he may have thought he was defending your honor, but he was really fighting his battle more for himself than for you. And he was very insensitive to your needs at that moment. But is it right for a Jewish person to get romantically involved with a non-Jew? Thats a very big and complicated question, and Im not going to give you a simple answer to it. Ive been on different sides of this issue in this one brief life of mine. There are different kinds of Jews, and the same rule isnt right for all of them in my book. Esther, youre confusing me. Can you try to be a little clearer? Patience, Sherry! It will all sort out. Seven years ago I considered myself a universalist Jew. I was on the picket line for every noble cause. Nothing human was alien to me. If I had any religion at all, it was the radical avant-garde. In modern art and literature, I believed we could all find the values to guide us toward a higher humanity. I was seriously involved with a wacky, all-American daredevil who on top of everything else happened to be a very gifted artist. We had great times together. I thought we saw eye to eye on everything. I couldnt have been more mistaken. What happened to change your mind? I had cancer, hysterectomy, chemotherapy a year of my life at deaths door. Clive couldnt handle it. As I look back on it, he was one of those people who live for the excitements of the moment but cant handle sorrow, suffering, and death. It didnt bother him that I wouldnt be able to have children. Children would have been a pain in the neck to him. But he was terrified that I might die, or face a long uncertain prognosis. He just checked out and left me on my own. Why, thats terrible! The more I thought about it, the more it dawned on me that one of the great strengths of the old religions as compared with more modern outlooks is in helping us to cope with suffering and death. Modernism is at its strongest when it promises to eradicate suffering, and is able to deliver on its promise. Marx promised that in place of dreaming of a heavenly hereafter, the human race would establish heaven here on earth. And modern medicine has conquered much disease, and extended the life span for a lot of us. But faced with a real suffering or dying human being, they run scared and hide. When I was at my worst in the hospital, looking like a ghost of my former self, I noticed that the nurses and volunteers who didnt shy away from me were the ones who I could tell usually by a crucifix or a chai around their necks were religious in outlook. Thats one of the things that started me thinking as to whether there was more value in religion than I had given it credit for. Whats a chai?
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Chai is the Hebrew word for life. Its composed of two Hebrew letters. Some people wear it as a necklace charm. Remind me to show you one later from my jewelry case. Your boyfriend was certainly a bastard, to walk out on you just when you needed him most. But I dont see how you can generalize from him to all secular artists, let alone to nonJews, some of whom might also be religious. At the time of my illness, I was at such a low point, I couldnt think of starting up a relationship with anyone, Jewish or non-Jewish. I was sure that because I couldnt have children, and because I was so disfigured from the chemotherapy, nobody would want to have anything to do with me. I gradually worked my way back to health with support from my parents. I found great comfort from continuing to develop my own art. Eventually I got a job working in this store, and then I bought the store, with my parents help. And your religious quest during this period? I started taking courses on Jewish thought at the college. Thats where I met Ernest Buchman. He was my professor. He introduced me to modern Jewish thinkers like Rosenzweig and Buber. The biography of Franz Rosenzweig was very inspiring to me. Here was a man afflicted with progressive paralysis, who for the last seven years of his life was bedridden, could hardly move a muscle, and finally towards the end had to communicate through a slight motion of his eye. Yet he remained optimistic and steadfast to the end. His arguments were never very persuasive to me. I liked Buber better as someone who could talk sense to me. But knowing that a human being had been through that much, and found meaning in his religious faith to face it all that is what I was looking for, to help me work through my own crisis. But if his arguments werent persuasive I know what youre thinking. How can I believe in something if Im not convinced of it? The fact is, Im not much of a believer to this day. I see religion as made by human beings in a quest to find meaning for their lives. Im also a religious relativist in my book, religions can say different things and be equally valid. But some may be better than others. Ill grant you that. But the Jewish tradition is mine. I was born into it, and I find it most natural to me to wrestle with the issue of meaning through my own tradition. So what is wrong if two people from different backgrounds fall in love? Up until a couple of years ago, I would have said theres nothing wrong with it, it happens all the time. But then this group of people started meeting Saturday afternoons at the Frums house to discuss everything from the standpoint of the Jewish tradition. Thats when I discovered that my own quest for meaning was much more satisfying when I engaged in it with a community I could identify with. Even though we didnt see eye to eye on everything, we were in the same world of discourse. We shared the same symbols. We argued over the same texts. Through that group I met Felix.
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Sherrys face broke out into a broad smile, and Esther blushed. So let me guess you discovered there were certain things you could have in common with Felix only because you both were Jewish? Esther nodded. Mind you, I didnt come from a traditional upbringing myself. I was just now, as an adult, starting to learn about a whole world of experiences that are new to me. And a lot of those things only make sense when you are doing the same things together with other people. The Sabbath, for example. I could argue to a Buddhist or a Confucian that everyone should set aside a day at regular intervals for rest and spiritual reflection, and they would probably agree. As long as I do it alone, it doesnt matter when I do it it could just as well be Wednesday as Saturday. But when Felix and I agree to do this week after week, starting Friday night with lighting candles and a prayer over wine and bread, this becomes a very special part of our life together, as well as linking our weekly pattern with the whole network of symbols that is the Jewish tradition. Sherry experienced a double shock of recognition. If I can stop you for a minute Im trying to put this together. With Elie and me, there was always something special about Friday night. It was our most romantic time together. It never dawned on me that there might be something in his mind tying it with the Jewish Sabbath. But now that I listen to what youre saying, Im sure thats part of what was going on in his mind! Only he never communicated it to me, and that was part of our problem of communication in general. I was missing a very important part of him as a result. But the prayer over wine and bread thats the same as the Catholic communion with the wine and wafer! Jesus took it from his Jewish upbringing, and weve been practicing it ever since. If I remember correctly, the Lords Supper was taken from the Passover Seder. Esther, youre helping me to see how my relationship with Elie was handicapped by our religious differences! I still think there may be a chance for us, but I dont want to rush it. I want to improve our chances by finding out more, on my own, about this Jewish tradition that Elie never really shared with me. He tried to share it by bringing you to our discussion group. It was very unfortunate that it turned out so badly that day. But some of my best experiences and insights of the meaning of Judaism are from that group. Maybe youll give it another chance. I want to very much. Do you think I could come this Saturday? Ill invite you to come as my guest! Id like that very much. And one other thing. Esther led Sherry toward the jewelry case. You asked what a chai is. I have a very special one here, made by an Israeli artist. She pulled out a necklace from the case. On it was the following design, about an inch square in size:
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The Hebrew reads from right to left. The first letter, chet, is made up of the two lovers heads and busts. The way their heads meet in a point this is the way the letter chet is made in a scroll of the Torah, written by hand on parchment. The second letter, yod, is made by the womans pony-tail. Oh, thats adorable! Sherry was captivated by the device of the two lovers combining to make a Jewish symbol. For a moment she imagined herself and Elie coming together in this way. Its yours if you want it. Keep it for good luck. Esther, thats so generous of you. Yes, I do want it. Thank you so much! Sherry was not ready to display it yet, but she would keep it in her apartment, meditating on it to see if the time would be right.
Elies Lament
Elie was sure that his romantic life was all over now. He even proved it to himself in the method of high-school geometric proofs:
A. His earlier experience with Erica Steinfeld had demonstrated that he could never make it with a Jewish woman, because of the danger of Tay-Sachs. B. His recent experience with Sherry Szymanski demonstrated that he could never make it with a non-Jewish woman, because of the religious differences. C. Any woman was either Jewish or non-Jewish. (Law of the Excluded Middle) D. Therefore, he could never make it with any woman. (A, B, and C) E. So he was fated to live out his days in the desolation of loneliness. Q.E.D.
Elie didnt believe intellectually in the kind of personal God whom he could blame for what went wrong with his life. But that didnt stop him from feeling visceral rage at the shattering of his dreams. Part of that rage he directed outward, at the circumstances (whatever they may be) that led to his predicament. He was convinced once more by this latest experience that God is subject to Murphys Law that the world is so constituted that things must always go wrong in the worst possible way. And part of his rage he directed inward, blaming himself for being such a knucklehead. Either he should have been resourceful enough to work out the relationship with Sherry to a successful outcome, in which case the breakup showed how socially inept, callous, and undiplomatic he was in which case he didnt deserve to have a relationship with anyone, let alone someone as pretty, witty, and charming as Sherry Szymanski. Or else (by contrary argument) he had done the right thing subconsciously in forcing the relationship to the point where breaking up was inevitable, because he was inwardly heeding the warnings of Ernest and Avi (not to mention his grandfather) against betraying his Jewish heritage. But in that case, he was a fool for having started the relationship in the first place. Either way, he stood accused and convicted in his own mind. In his better days, Elie would have seen that it was inconsistent to blame himself on both counts for having entered the relationship, and for having failed to make it succeed. If he was wrong on one count, he should have been right on the other. But the logical, scientific, rational Elie was in eclipse now (even if he was going through the logical motions in his obsessive selfrecriminations). He grieved the loss of Sherrys companionship, her warmth, her gaiety. Even at work, where she was physically present to him, there was a new barrier of reserve and inhibition in place of the old spontaneity. They dared not make eye contact or talk freely to each other (even though they were still sitting at facing cubicle-desks), just as a person with an injured leg will avoid putting his weight on it for fear of bringing on the pain. The CHIPS project was in a holding pattern now. Ever since they had recovered from the last mishap, Mike told them to do as little as possible, to keep the system stable while different marketing representatives came to see it demonstrated. Elie was polite but reserved at these presentations. Mike introduced the sales pitch, after which Sherry demonstrated most of the eyecatching features. Elie provided some dry, technical background which left them vaguely
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impressed but none the wiser. He was glad when each presentation was over. Salesmanship was never his forte, and right now it got in the way of his main daily task feeling miserable, and ruminating in private. Joy died for him in every area of his life. Food lost its flavor for him; a beef burgundy or chocolate mousse that just weeks ago would have had his nose and lips quivering in anticipation, was as ordinary as stale crackers and water. What was the point of eating, anyway? He would skip meals until his mind could not function, then shovel in some fuel to keep the engine going, to discharge his external responsibilities. In addition to losing some extra pounds, he also became susceptible to every virus and bug that infested the city that winter. He called in sick fifteen days between January and February as many as in the past five years combined. When he failed to show up at the Frums discussion group two weeks running, Felix called him up. On hearing of Elies condition, Felix arranged to visit him with two quarts of Sarahs chicken soup, challah bread, roast chicken, noodle kugel, and some other goodies. Elie opened his apartment door clad in pajamas and a bathrobe, then retreated feebly to the living room couch and lay down. Felix deposited his Care-package on Elies kitchen table, then he joined Elie in the living room, plumping down in an old armchair. At least I can report now to the rest of the world that youre still alive! Felix joked. We were beginning to wonder. Alive. Thats about it. Just wait until youve had some of Sarahs cooking! That will put every bug in your system to rout. Youll be a new man! Felix cajoled him, smacking the armrest for emphasis. Im unworthy of your attention, Elie protested weakly. Well, Im not giving you a choice. Visiting the sick is a mitzvah, an obligation on both sides. Im obligated to visit you, and youre obligated to accept my attentions. Felix was hitting Elie at his most vulnerable spot. Elie might be dead to hope, pleasure, and personal self-interest, but his sense of obligation remained to the last. So tell me where are your dishes? Im serving you dinner. In the cupboard to the right of the refrigerator. Felix got out a bowl, poured some soup into it, and started it warming in the microwave. Im not eating unless you join me, Elie insisted. Fair enough! Felix agreed. He warmed a second bowl. When it was ready, he set both bowls on the kitchen table, then started up the chicken and noodles. Elie pulled himself up from the sofa, staggered to the kitchen table, and sat down. Felix and Elie ate in silence for a while. Felix wanted to put his friend at his ease, and help him conserve his strength. But he also knew that there was more to his condition than just a gastrointestinal virus. Finally he spoke to the issue.
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Elie, Im sorry things havent been going well between you and Sherry. I respect your privacy, but if you feel like talking about it, I want to be available, as one friend to another. Its no use. You remember what happened between Erica and me? You were both carriers of Tay-Sachs. She didnt want to have the anxiety of a defective kid with every pregnancy, so she decided to try her luck with someone who wasnt at risk. You were quite broken up over it. But she managed to get on with her life, and you will too. You make it sound so easy. I didnt say it was easy. I said you could do it. Its easier for some people than for others. I dont know why its so hard for me. I guess Im just built that way. Its hard for me to venture out and invest in a relationship, to start building my life on hope, only to find in the end that theres some terrible flaw, that were not made for each other, that were going to have a doomed child, or that Im going to betray the Jewish future by making it with a nice woman who happens not to be Jewish. Its your life. I dont want to tell you that you cant do something, if thats the only way you can find happiness. If Jewish survival is the issue, youre not making any Jewish children by remaining single, so you couldnt do any worse than you are doing now. Theres more to it than that. Sherrys very well-intentioned, but there are some things I dont think shell ever understand, not coming from a Jewish background. She couldnt get into Hanukkah at all. She thought religion should stand for peace, and it was disgraceful to spend eight days celebrating a military victory thats over two thousand years old. You have to admit shes got a point there. But Hanukkah isnt just about a military victory. Its about a struggle for Jewish religious and cultural survival in the midst of a very attractive but un-Jewish cultural environment. Thats the bigger battle that the Jews had to fight back then, to maintain their identity in the world that the Greeks and Romans made. And thats still the battle that we have to fight, to maintain our identity in todays world. All the more reason I should stay away from Sherry. Try meeting a nice Jewish woman! Twenty-four out of twenty-five of them are not carriers of Tay-Sachs. Its one thing to say, go ahead and do it, and its another thing to put myself on the line again after what Ive just been through. I hear what youre saying, but my hearts not in it at least not for now. I feel burned out. I need to recuperate. Okay, old pal. Lets try some more of Sarahs home cooking, and see if that will do the trick.
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The chicken and kugel were now warm. Felix served Elie, and they set to with gusto.
Ernest at the Crossroads

Thank you, Ernest, for everything you have done for me, and for inviting me here. It was a memorable experience. Thank you, Inge, for sharing your wealth of experience and knowledge and your souls struggle with us. It was a pleasure having you with us on our faculty for this term. Please keep in touch. Inge gave Ernest a peck on the cheek, then boarded the plane that would take her back to Germany. Ernest breathed a sigh of relief. It had been a tremendously exciting and valuable experience academically, but very nervous on the personal level. He would not choose to repeat it. Ernest had met Inge several times in the past few years at academic conferences. She had first caught his attention with a paper she had given comparing the Aryan youth movement before the war with the resistance movements in Germany and France during the war. Her conclusion had been that young people are frequently given to selfless service to ideals, but often lack the maturity and wisdom to judge the practical and moral worth of the ideals they adopt. The mark of a worthy ideal is its universalism compassion extended to all human beings without exception. She cited Martin Buber as a Jewish thinker, shaped by the German Romantic nationalism of his milieu but transcending its chauvinism. It was then that Ernest had conceived the idea of inviting her to co-teach a course on the Holocaust. They had discussed the possibility of this over the next couple of years, and it had finally come to pass. The course had been a great success. Inge had been ruthlessly honest about the many factors in mainstream German culture that had contributed to the possibility of a Holocaust: Luthers vulgar hate-mongering, the upsurge in nationalism sparked by the Napoleonic wars, the pronouncements of philosophers such as Fichte and Schopenhauer, musicians such as Lizst and Wagner, and so on. It fell to Ernest to argue for the defense, pointing to the humane and liberal ideals of Kant, Goethe, and the democrats of 1848. They had discussed the contributions of German Jews to the sciences and the arts, and how the anti-Semites repudiated these. Finally, they had forced the students to examine the question: could the Holocaust happen today in America? They distributed a collection of quotations, ranging from humane and liberal to racist and inflammatory. The students had to guess the names and nationalities of the authors from a list. The average guessing rate was less than 50%. They were surprised to learn the racist sentiments expressed by Americans like Theodore Roosevelt, Thomas Edison, and Henry Ford, or the humane and pro-Jewish views expressed by Germans like Herder, Nietzsche, and Pastor Niemller. But Ernests role in bringing Inge to America aroused expectations in her that he was not able to satisfy. Inge was one of those Nietzschean free spirits who believed that a pure intention could have the power to sanctify almost any action. Having contributed so much herself to atoning for the sins of the past, she hoped to seal the reconciliation in a physical as well as spiritual way. Ernest felt that to respond to her inviting look and gestures would violate a sacred
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boundary. He was not strictly observant of all the rabbinic restrictions on male-female contacts. But even according to the Biblical custom, sex could precede marriage but must sooner or later be ratified by it. Even discounting his public position as an academic authority on Judaism, he would not involve himself sexually with a woman unless he was seriously considering her as a marriage partner. And marriage was for the purpose of perpetuating the Jewish community. So the only proper marriage for a Jew was with another Jew. Much as he admired Inges ethical principles and what she had done to promote German-Jewish understanding, she was still too much of a foreigner for him. Conversion was not out of the question, but she had not expressed any interest in it. Ernest felt instinctively that such a move would not be right for her. She was doing the most good in her current role as a German educating the German people to overcome their own past. Inge had taunted Ernest about the discrepancy between his concern for the Jewish future and his failure to contribute to it personally by having children. He ignored her insinuation that she could help him to remedy this omission. He did not want to insult her, who was already doing so much good, by emphasizing what she could not do because she was not Jewish. So he avoided the issue. But she had touched a sore spot. He should be contributing in this area. And if he were properly married, he would not be vulnerable to the ambiguities of the situation whenever someone like Inge came along.
*******
Another plane would be arriving soon. There was another visiting professor coming to teach modern Hebrew literature for the spring term. Shoshana Bat-Shahar was from the University of Tel Aviv in Israel. Ernest had met her only a few times. Small but muscular, welltanned complexion, intensely serious demeanor, a person of strong principles and passionate about Jewish survival. Ernest looked forward to getting to know her better, but now wished she were not coming so soon. His misgivings were overcome, however, as soon as she came out of the secure area and started sharing her trip experiences with him. Shalom, shalom! Brucha habaah (well to you that come)! Baruch hanimtza (well to you that are here)! Oh, Elisha (she called him by his Hebrew name, by which she knew him from the times he was in Israel), its so good to see you again! I cant wait to get off that plane sitting for a night and a day gives me such cramps, I feel that I am as bad as the clothes I packed in my suitcase, all crumpled and wrinkled. My, youre looking well! I read your article on Jewish communal cohesion in Moslem and Christian Spain what an achievement! I was so worried about coming here where I dont know a soul, or how to get around but I can rely on you! Ernest softened and smiled as he listened to her. Shoshana, you havent changed a bit. Lets take a walk around campus; youll work off those cramps as I show you around. Youll have a lovely apartment overlooking a park. Ive made arrangements for us to get together with some friends of mine for Friday night dinner.
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They talked about their last terms classes, and news from colleagues and friends. Ernest complimented Shoshana on recent work she had published on the transformation of Jewish values in modern Hebrew literature. Finally he mentioned the class he had given on the American Jewish community. When the figures came out on the demographics of American Jewry, everyone talked about the high intermarriage rate and what this means for the American Jewish future. I even have some friends who are struggling personally with the issue, whether to get involved in personal relationships with non-Jews. In Israel, we dont have those problems. Everyone you meet socially is Jewish. You meet Jews from different backgrounds European Jews, American Jews, Moroccan, Yemenite, even Ethiopian Jews. For us, intermarriage is good, because it all takes place between Jews, and it will help us build a strong, united Jewish people. Some people here have said that all Americans should also be one united people, and downplay our ethnic differences. But America is such a big country! You can afford to have many groups which preserve their differences. As long as you can live peacefully and treat each other with respect, why not? She frowned in mock disapproval, then gave him a playful shove on the shoulder. But look who Im talking to! I shouldnt have to instruct the head of the Jewish Studies program on whats good for the Jewish community! Ernest grinned back, and gave her a clasp on the wrist. She seemed like a long-lost cousin, reunited with him after ever so many years.
A Holy People
Shabbat Shalom! Avi greeted the guests as they came up the porch stairs to the front entrance of his house. He still felt envigorated by the brisk walk to synagogue that morning in the crisp winter air. The cholent at lunch had been smooth and mature the beans and potatoes had married well with the onions and brisket on low heat since Friday sundown. The hot water and tea essence was ready for the company. This was the high point of his Sabbath day, that he looked forward to all week. Ernest was coming down the block with more urgency than usual. Ah, his new guest must be the reason. Was she Israeli? Avi, meet an old but new friend, Shoshana, Ernest offered. Shoshana, meat Avi, Sarah, Jeremy Rivka! Naim meod very happy to meet you! she greeted them. The Frums children were excited to meet her, and eagerly offered her their mothers mandelbrot and sponge cake. A few minutes later, Felix came traipsing down the sidewalk. Shabbat Shalom, Avi, Sarah! Elie sends his regrets. He still needs all the rest he can get. The third week in a row! Sarah exclaimed. He should get better soon, God willing, and join us again! Be sure to tell him that from us! She wagged a finger at him for emphasis. Finally Esther approached, also with a guest. Wasnt she the blond woman whom Elie brought at Hanukkah? Shabbat shalom, Avi, Esther smiled. Im sure you all know Sherry Szymanski? Shes coming today as my guest. Sherry offered her hand shyly, and Avi shook it cordially. He felt flattered that she had come back. He gave a sly smile. Good to see you, Sherry! You know you are always welcome here. Whether its great food or discussions you want, this is the right address. Too bad Elie couldnt make it. Sherry smiled back. Actually, she was relieved that Elie would not be there. She had come to pursue her own spiritual journey. With Elie absent, she would not be distracted by romantic entanglements. They gathered in the living room. Ernest introduced Shoshana to everyone, passed out the books and opened the discussion. This weeks portion is Yitro, Exodus Chapters 18 to 20. It starts with Moses getting advice from Jethro, a Midianite priest who was his father-in-law, on how he should delegate his authority to judges from the tribes. And it culminates in the Ten Commandments, which are the cornerstone of Jewish law and morality, as well as being the common property of the human race. But my favorite part comes at the beginning of the 19th chapter, where God addresses the people through Moses in a passage of poetic beauty:
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You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, And how I bore you on eagles wings, And brought you to Me. So now, if you will indeed listen to My voice And keep My covenant, Then you will be My special treasure from among all the peoples For all the earth is Mine And you will be to me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.
Sherry listened intently to every word. She looked at Ernest, then at the text. One of the most sublime yet problematic ideas in the Jewish faith stood articulated here the notion that God would single out one people from among all others, to stand in special relationship to Him. A multitude of associations clustered in her mind. Jesus had said, For I have been called only to the lost sheep of the people Israel. So his original mission had been only to Jews, not outsiders. Yet Paul had said, There is no Jew nor Greek, but all are one in Jesus Christ. And yet: Salvation is of the Jews. Was there some way to reconcile these opposite ideas? She looked around the group, and felt encouraged to speak. I come to this discussion as a Christian who has a special interest in the Jewish faith. I cant believe that God would create a whole world of humanity only to withhold the means of salvation from the majority of them. I am even bothered by those stories of Christian missionaries who set foot on remote continents and proclaimed the gospel in their own European languages, then left, satisfied that they had done their duty by God and that those peoples had been given a proper opportunity to convert. But I would think this would be a special problem for Judaism in particular. The Jews are such a small fraction of the human race. If God singles them out to be close to Him, where does that leave the rest of the human race? Sherry detected a new friendliness in Ernests sparkling eyes as he turned to her to reply. Sherry, your question is extremely relevant. We probably have among us a whole gamut of answers. Lets go around the room. Avi, why dont you give it the first shot? Avi leaned back in his chair and stroked his beard. You remind me of some of the laws of the procedure for conversion to Judaism. If a non-Jew comes to a rabbi asking to convert to Judaism (and mind you, Im not a rabbi, nor am I assuming any interest on your part in converting to Judaism, which is none of my business to ask) but if a non-Jew comes to a rabbi seeking to convert to Judaism, the rabbi should discourage him three times. One of the arguments runs as follows: As a non-Jew, you are bound by the covenant of the descendants of Noah. According to Judaism, that covenant consists of seven commandments (Avi counted them out on his fingers)
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1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
Dont murder. Dont steal. Dont blaspheme. Dont worship idols. Dont commit incest or adultery. Dont tear the limb from a living animal. Establish courts of justice.
Any gentile who observes these seven commandments has a portion in the World to Come. But as a Jew, he or she would have to observe six hundred thirteen commandments to earn a place in the World to Come. So that person should think it over very carefully before exchanging his easy task for a harder one. A gentile can have a perfectly satisfactory relationship with God without changing. He should not change unless impelled by some strong necessity from within. Sherry was caught off guard by Avis response. In that case, why should anyone want to become Jewish? From what you say, theyd only be taking on additional burdens, and not gaining any advantage. Avi replied, It all depends on your point of view. The key for me is in the phrase, kingdom of priests. You could just as well ask, why should any Catholic want to become a priest or a nun? Taking vows for them means adopting all kinds of restrictions, even celibacy (which is never required of anyone in Judaism). But the person who does this presumably finds great satisfaction in serving God through these additional obligations. I can tell you from my own experience that I get great pleasure through serving God through daily prayer, or resting on the Sabbath, or doing any of the other many things that are incumbent on us. I feel that serving God through these obligatory actions brings me closer to God right now in the present and the World to Come is just an added bonus to look forward to. Since I was born Jewish, I have no choice I must do these things whether I want to or not. You, who were not born Jewish, have a choice. If you feel impelled to take on these obligations because you wish to serve God by doing so more power to you for doing so! If not, theres nothing to be ashamed of you can serve God perfectly well as you are now. Even though Sherry had not asked specifically about conversion, Avis answer satisfied her that Judaism respected the validity of other faiths, while maintaining its own special uniqueness. Now Felix turned to her and spoke. Sherry, let me share a favorite experience with you. Whenever I am in Jerusalem, I patronize a certain falafel stand. The proprietor is a Christian Arab whose family has lived in the area for as long as anyone can keep track of. I am always impressed by the care he bestows on his guests to be sure that everything is in order. He is not just running a business, but is performing a sacred rite of hospitality which has remained essentially unchanged for at least 4000 years. When I eat at his stand, I feel a continuity with the story in Genesis where Melchizedek, the king-priest of Salem, brings out bread and wine to refresh Abraham after the battle with the four armies. I read the give-and-take between Jethro and Moses in todays portion in the same spirit. Jethro praises God for bringing the Israelites out of Egypt, then he gives Moses advice on how to organize his judicial system. Monotheists of different traditions know they are
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worshipping the same God by different names. As Jews, we bear witness against idolatry and inhumanity wherever they may occur. But when it is a question of our relations with other monotheists, it is not our business to vaunt our superiority over them, but to approach them in a spirit of mutual respect and cooperation. Sherry countered, Again, I come back to the question: if Judaism is just one monotheistic faith among others, why does this text say they are singled out as special? Felix responded, But Christianity, which you identify with, sees us as special. You have adopted our Bible as your own. You have accepted the Ten Commandments as the basis of Christian morality. You have adopted our faith in one God (even if you interpret it somewhat differently on occasion). You have considered our message so important that you have carried it to the ends of the earth. The task that we started, you have sought to complete. So Judaism and Christianity are both special. I agree. But the text speaks only to the Jews. They were the only one of the two parties around at that time. In your mind, are the Jews more special than the Christians today? The Jews are more special to me, because theyre my people. Are they more special to God? Thats for God to decide. And if you had to guess whats in Gods mind? I dont believe that God practices nepotism. I think God has given us a special task, as Jews, to search our tradition for the unique contribution it can make today to the problems facing the human race. But anyone can make a contribution from their own traditions. And its not the past that we stand for that counts, but what we make of it in the present. If we want to be considered special by God, we have to earn it by how we conduct our lives. And that should be a friendly competition in which any number can win. Sherry cocked her arm backward on the sofa, and arched her eyebrows at Felix skeptically. What youre saying is very noble, I cant take issue with it on those grounds. Im just not sure that its for real. When I think of the contrast between universal and particularistic outlooks, it just seems natural to me to associate Christianity with the universal and Judaism with the particular. Theres the story of Pentecost, when the twelve disciples of Jesus were taken with
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the Holy Spirit and started prophesizing in all the languages of the human race, as a sign that they would spread the gospel to all the nations. Ernest sat forward on the edge of his chair and raised his right arm to break in. Let me tell you a matching story from the Jewish tradition. The Christian holiday of Pentecost derives from the Jewish holiday Shavuot, which celebrates the giving of the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai. We hold that as God spoke the commandments, they were translated simultaneously into the seventy languages of humanity, and were heard all over the world. Both the Jewish and Christian traditions agree that such a revelation could only be worthy of its divine author if it was made available to the whole world. As for the difference you wish to draw between Jewish particularism and Christian universalism, I will grant you that it is a real difference, but you shouldnt overestimate it. The Jews have remained a nation among other nations throughout their long history, while Christendom comprises over a hundred nations. The Jews have nurtured and maintained a vision of many nations living in peace and harmony, in which they would take their place as one nation among many. It is that vision (taken from Isaiah) which is inscribed today on the cornerstone of the United Nations. Christianity, on the other hand, has sought to realize that vision by defining itself as a Church without national status, embracing many nations but not identified with any one in particular. So we aim at the same goal by different means. You are such an idealist, Elisha! Shoshana broke in. You think Christianity is above politics? What about the Holy Roman Empire, or the France of Saint Louis and Cardinal Richelieu? Christianity has just as many examples of religious intrusion into politics as we had in Biblical times even more! Felix, Esther and Ernest consulted quickly with their eyes, animated by a single thought. What had happened that day of the discussion of the Cushite woman must not happen today. Shoshana was a newcomer to the group. To her, it was just another discussion. True, the Jews (and not they alone) had suffered from politicized religion for centuries. But Sherry had been alienated once by a similar discussion, and had come back nevertheless. That was a miracle. Miracles like that should not be wasted. Esther jumped in, thinking quickly as she spoke. Of course, Shoshana, youre absolutely right. Religions know they are in possession of a truth, and thats a good thing. But then they make the mistake of thinking that it would be good if they shared that with everyone else, even if they have to force others to accept it. And thats a big mistake. Weve all been guilty of that, from what I can tell. Thats a misuse of the concept of chosenness. Jews, Christians, Muslims, weve all been guilty of it. There are places in this world today where they still havent learned what a mistake it is, and still go around killing each other because they are of different faiths. But I think that all of us in this room have learned enough from history to know how wrong that is, and thats not what we mean by religious truth or specialness. Here in America, we all of us came because of religious persecution. Puritans, Quakers, Catholics, Jews we all experienced the political misuse of religion as it was directed against us, and we learned from it that if we believe God is the universal Father, wed better start treating everyone as Gods children.
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Ernest gave a cautionary nod to Shoshana, then turned to Sherry with friendly authority. Let me suggest that all our religious traditions have universal elements and exclusivist elements. I could quote you pronouncements from both Judaism and Christianity saying that all outsiders are evil and doomed, and I could also quote pronouncements from each saying that God is universal and loving and all people are precious in His sight. But I want to get off the apologetic track. Allow me to confess to a bit of chauvinism from our own tradition. The Jewish tradition holds that all peoples have a chance to earn Gods favor. But the tradition often gives us the impression that it is only the exceptional gentile who takes advantage of that opportunity and makes it to Gods good side, while it is only the exceptional Jew who is so bad that he loses his share in the World to Come. I think that most of us as moderns are uncomfortable with that kind of comparison. We tend to emphasize the bit about the good exceptional gentile, and play down the derogatory implications about outsiders in general. We tend to rewrite the tradition in terms of our current egalitarian and humanitarian values. And up to a certain point, I believe we are right to do so, as long as we are aware of it. Sherry was disarmed by Ernests frankness. Yes, he admitted that there might be some elements of chauvinism in the Jewish tradition which modern Jews were trying to overcome. He did not criticize the Christian tradition for its legacy of chauvinism. Yet in her heart of hearts she could not deny that it had elements of chauvinism as well. To be sure, the Church extended its message of salvation in principle to all peoples of the earth provided they accepted Christianity. But if they refused to accept Jesus as Savior, or the Church as the body of Gods faithful? Extra ecclesia nullus salus est outside the Church, no one is saved. To be sure, Origen, a Church father of the second century, dissented from this view, and held that all who proceed from Gods creative, generative flow be they Christian or non-Christian, good or evil are destined eventually to return to God and find grace. But this view was condemned as heretical by the Church. Maybe traditional Judaism was more liberal than traditional Christianity in holding that there was some way of salvation open to those outside the faith. But as she acknowledged this, another objection occurred to her, which she felt she must express at once. Avi said that what is special about the Jews is that they have to observe six hundred and thirteen commandments, instead of the seven commandments that are incumbent on all people. But of all the possible things that I could imagine as being special pursuit of truth, beauty, love, honor having all those commandments and laws to perform is one of the last things I would think of as meriting a claim to specialness in Gods sight. Isnt there some truth, after all, to the criticism voiced by Paul and other Christian thinkers, that Judaism is too legalistic, and too narrow in giving a legal definition to the good life? Everyone turned to Avi, as if nominating him to be the spokesperson for Jewish legalism. He was taken aback; he frowned slightly and shook his head in puzzlement. Finally he answered: It never occurred to me that its narrow-minded to express what we ought to do in terms of Gods commandments to us. I dont see how else we are supposed to express it. Its just like the way we use language. They taught us in grammar that every sentence has a subject and a
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predicate. Suppose I find thats boring Im supposed to start talking some other way, without subjects and predicates? How is God supposed to tell us His will in some way other than commandments? Sherry had learned her lessons well at St. Theresas Academy, and one of her favorite subjects was ethics. So she had a ready answer for Avi. Yes, we do have another way to talk about what we should do, and thats by way of the notion we have of a persons ideal moral character, which we express in terms of the virtues. Temperance, courage, generosity, honor, and prudence these tell us what characteristics we should develop in our personality in order to live right. If we all develop the right moral character in ourselves, then we shall all naturally do the right thing in every occasion that life presents. To the classical virtues, our religion adds three more: faith, hope, and charity. But if we havent developed our moral character through training in the virtues, then we can end up obeying the letter of the law but violating its spirit. As she spoke, Felix was rubbing his palms and leaning so far forward she expected him to fall on the floor. The moment she finished, he pounced on the opening, like a horse racing in response to the starting gun: I agree with you that becoming a good person which you describe in terms of moral character and the virtues is extremely important. By the way, Maimonides was a Jewish philosopher who learned about the virtues from studying Aristotle. He wrote about cultivating the virtues a century before Thomas Aquinas, the Catholic philosopher whom you probably studied in school. Sherry nodded, surprised that Felix knew so much about Aquinas without having gone to St. Theresas. Felix continued: The question is, how are the virtues best going to be cultivated? One way would be by example, by hearing stories of people who lived exemplary lives, and trying to emulate them. Another way would be by self-study, by trying to measure our own conduct against some ideal standard, and correcting ourselves when we fall short. Benjamin Franklin mentions in his Autobiography how he defined thirteen virtues that he set out to cultivate, and measured his success in practicing them over a period of time. But what does this have to do with laws and commandments? Sherry asked. Let me suggest to you that the way of Judaism is an experiment in developing good character through a discipline expressed in laws governing behavior. Ernest, is it okay with you if I suggest we turn to a different text? By all means, Ernest agreed. Lets turn to Leviticus, Chapter 19. Felix took his Bible, flipped to Leviticus, and started reading. It starts with a general goal very similar to the one in our first text: You shall
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be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy. It then gives particular injunctions that are supposed to help us achieve that goal: honor your parents; keep the Sabbath; dont worship idols. Okay, I see that. Sherry was reading the text that Felix had indicated. Now lets look at verse 9: When you harvest your field, you must not fully harvest the corners of your field, but you must leave some for the poor, the widow, and the orphan. Its all well and good to say that we should cultivate a virtue of generosity or charity. But that would be vague, and would leave some of us harboring good intentions that dont get translated into action, while others might not have the good intentions at all. Quite right, Avi responded. But this law is very specific, Felix went on. Speaking in terms of an agricultural society, it prescribes specific actions that you must perform, to set aside part of the harvest for the poor as their due. Hopefully, by doing this you will cultivate within yourself a habit of generosity. And if that doesnt work, at least it will force you to behave as if you were generous. And the poor will get their due, Esther added. Exactly. Looking onward, this chapter prescribes proper intentions of the heart, as well as proper behaviors: you shall not steal or lie, or swear falsely. You shall not oppress your neighbor you shall not withhold the wages of a day-laborer until the next morning. You shall not curse the deaf, or place a stumbling block before the blind theres a subtle one! Avi commented: In other words, dont take advantage of another persons ignorance or disability, even while doing something which otherwise would seem to be technically within the letter of the law. So it addresses the intention of your action, not just the action itself. To continue: Do not show preferential treatment to either the rich or the poor in cases of law. Do not spread slander, nor stand idly by your neighbors blood. Do not hate your brother, but you should reprove him if necessary. Do not seek vengeance or bear a grudge Thats a hard one to keep, Sherry remarked. I know. But read what comes right after Felix prompted her. Sherry read aloud: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. She was surprised to find this version of the Golden Rule in Leviticus, of all places. I ask you is that a virtue, or a commandment? Felix persisted. Its the virtue of love, expressed in the form of a commandment! Sherry exclaimed. And do you know who said this is the fundamental principle of the Torah?
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It was Jesus. I dont disagree that Jesus also said that. But we learn it as the teaching of Rabbi Akiva, who lived in the second century. I think he meant that all the other commandments in the Torah are a means for us to fulfill this one, in other words, to cultivate the virtue of love. But what if the virtue of love could be cultivated without all the other commandments? How could you find out which was a better way to achieve the desired result the cultivation of the ideal human being? We could do an experiment, Sherry suggested. How would you design such an experiment? Wed need two groups. The first group would try to nurture the ideal human character by following a discipline of commandments and laws as the means to the goal. The second group would use some other means education through example, or self-observation, or just let nature take its course. Then youd compare them, and see which did better. So let me suggest to you: The experiment is going on right now, and has been going on for over three thousand years! The Jewish people has been assigned a very specific role in the experiment: to follow the first scenario, to try to cultivate the ideal human type through a discipline of laws and commandments. This isnt to say that this is the only way to achieve the ideal human type. We wont know until the experiment is completed (if it ever is completed). But the whole question, whether a discipline of observing laws and commandments is a good way to bring human beings to their highest potential, is one of the great questions for us to consider. Paul thought the answer to the question was no, it is a counterproductive method. But the Catholic Saint Benedict, who wrote the rules for the Benedictine order of monks, thought it was a good method. So the Church is divided on this issue. The Jewish tradition is practically unanimous in saying that it is a good method. Not that it is the only method in Judaism there are also prayer, study, and other supplementary regimens. But the way of commandments is primary. Even if the question itself is debatable, we Jews have been assigned the role of advocate in favor of the question, not just by argument, but by proving it in our lives. This is fundamental to the definition of our Jewish identity. We are a people that lives under the commandment. We can live up to that role, or we can neglect it or abandon it. But if we do not pursue this path, a critical opportunity will be missed for the whole human race. So if these are the terms of the experiment, it is definitely in the interests of Gods will and the moral progress of humanity for the Jews to follow their historic role. Sherrys head was spinning at Felixs argument. She had accused Judaism of legalism. He was pleading guilty in the first degree. But he had then turned it around to make legalism a virtue, the crowning achievement of a holy people. It was impressive, but she would need time to think it over. Avi seemed to agree with her sentiment. He noticed a number of people with dazed looks around the room. Felix has been brilliant as usual, but I suggest we heed the warning in
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todays text, Chapter 18, verse 18: You will surely wear yourself out, you as well as this people! Sarah, who had kept quiet through the whole discussion, now stood up and proclaimed: In that case, its time for some more tea and cake! Her suggestion won instant unanimous approval.
At The Deli
The next day, Felix paid Elie another visit. Elie was still not free of fever, but felt a little stronger. Any news to report from the outside world? Were you at the Frums yesterday? Yes. Ernest brought a new guest. Shes Israeli, and shell be teaching at the college next term. Ah, the life of a professor! You get to go to conferences to choose your co-workers, and change them twice a year! Anything else new? Sherry came as Esthers guest. We had quite a time discussing whether Judaism or Christianity was more chauvinistic, and whether Judaism was too legalistic. I can imagine. In Elies imagination, the discussion took the form of an irreconcilable quarrel. In his despondent mood, the notion that Sherrys coming at all was evidence of strong positive intention, did not occur to him. Do you think youll be well enough to come to work this week? Maybe in a few days. On the other hand, if I continue to get such good room service as youre giving me, maybe Ill stay out another couple of weeks!
*******
Meanwhile, Sarah was intrigued that Sherry had come back to the Saturday discussion group, and was impressed with her questful purposiveness that afternoon. She decided to call Esther to inquire further. Hi, Esther? This is Sarah. Sarah! Its good to hear from you. What might you be calling about? It was good to see you and Sherry at the discussion group yesterday. I was really impressed with the interest that Sherry took in our group. It was more than casual, if you know what I mean. Do you know whats going on with her? Or is it too private to share? Without going into details, I think I can tell you that Elie and Sherry have broken up, but she still seems interested in him. I think shes trying to find out more about Judaism to find out what went wrong and what she can do about it, but shes not about to make any big changes. Shes testing the waters.
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So shes not about to jump into the mikveh? * No, and I dont think you should try to push her. Shes a very independent person, and firm in her convictions, as Im sure you can tell. So what can we do? I think the best thing we can do is just be available to her, to let her know we accept her as she is, and like her, and are willing to share in mutual exchange, to hear out whatever she wishes to share with us, and tell her whatever she wants to know, about Judaism, about life, and about ourselves. I have no problem with that. Its not every day that a non-Jewish person comes off the street and wants to join a Torah discussion. Theres something special about her that I cant put my finger on. She seems to come from a spiritual background and is still seeking spiritual enlightenment, from whatever source. Well, shes welcome by us, for whatever we can offer her. You tell her to stop by the deli some time soon, and well make some time to talk. Youre both welcome to drop by. Dinner will be on the house. How about next Wednesday night? Sure, that will be fine. Ill clear it with Sherry.
*******
That Wednesday night, Sherry stopped by Esthers store again. Esther closed her store early. The two of them got into Esthers car, and Esther drove the twenty minutes across town to Frums Deli. Avi greeted them from behind the cash register. Its good to see you again so soon! Sit wherever you want. There were a dozen tables, four of them occupied. A few people were waiting at the counter for take-out orders. Avi returned to serving the take-out customers. Esther and Sherry took a table in the back. Within a few minutes, Sarah had come out of the kitchen, and approached their table to take their order for dinner.
as part of the conversion ceremony.
* A mikveh, or ritual bath, is used by observant women for monthly purification, and by converts
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How nice to have you here to see our little establishment! Esther will tell you whats good from our selections. Esther ordered a smoked turkey sandwich and vegetarian cholent (similar to Avis Shabbat lunch, but without the meat). On Esthers advice, Sherry ordered a clear chicken soup, roast paprika chicken breast, cucumber salad, and tzimmes. Whats tzimmes? Sherry asked. Its a sweet concoction of carrots and sweet potatoes. Sarah makes it sinfully rich, but you have to experience it at least once. The other dishes were familiar to Sherry, for East European Jewish cuisine had much in common with Polish cooking. But tzimmes was new to her. Sarah made it with a generous variety of ingredients steamed sliced carrots and sweet potatoes, crumbled matzo balls, sauted onions, prunes, and chunks of walnuts, with a sauce combined of honey and brown sugar. Every mouthful tasted different. Sherry was tempted to ask for more, but refrained wisely, it turned out, for she was better able to enjoy Sarahs crisp apple strudel, with cinnamon and raisins. This is a great new experience. Im going to have to learn to make it myself, Sherry murmured over the tzimmes. You can come back into the kitchen when youre done eating, Sarah offered. Im not promising free cooking lessons, but Ive got nothing to hide. Sarah, your secrets are safe, Esther commented. Ive watched you and tried to copy you, but it never comes out the way you do it. Youve got a special touch. Its no trick. If you did it every day for fifteen years, like I do, it would become second nature to you. Part of the special thing about Sarah was that she never took credit for what was special about her. There were few customers left. Avi stayed in the front store to be available for them, and to tidy up. The women retreated to the kitchen. Sarah was making gefilte fish, grinding the cooked carp, adding onions, carrots, matzo meal and egg. You asked such good questions in the discussion last Shabbat, Sarah remarked to Sherry. Someone must have given you a good religious education. Thank you. I went to Catholic schools from kindergarten through high school. I hardly knew any non-Catholic people my own age, let alone Jews, until I went to college. I could say the same about myself, in reverse. I went to Beth Jacob, an Orthodox Jewish day school. We had daily prayers for a half hour without fail, and classes in Jewish subjects all morning. For a long time, I thought that God was a Jew with a beard. So did I, but his name was Jesus! The three of them laughed. Whats it like to be able to pray to a God whom you picture as a human being?
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It never occurred to me that there was anything strange about it until we studied scholastic philosophy in my teens, and I learned how God is supposed to be infinite perfection, incorporeal, and so on. As marvelous as Jesus seemed to me (and still seems to me), he is so obviously human, as portrayed in the Gospels that it is hard to apply these attributes of absolute perfection to him. The Church had answers to these questions that I never fully understood. I guess I reconciled it in my own mind by regarding Jesus as the human being most in tune with God, and as such the ideal mediator between human beings and God. There are things I would bring to Jesus in prayer that I would never think of bringing to God the Father. And there are other things, more personal and gender-related, that I would only feel comfortable addressing to the Virgin Mary, things that only a woman would understand. But let me turn the question around to you: how do you, with only a perfect, transcendent God to turn to and no mediator, deal with those mundane, embarrassingly personal issues that it would be shameful to bring before the all-Powerful, all-Knowing Creator God? Sarah paused a while in thought, then answered quietly: First of all, I guess Im reconciled to the fact that because God is all-knowing, theres nothing to hide, so Im past being embarrassed. God already knows everything about me, so its all right to talk about it to Him. Of course, Im still embarrassed of my petty imperfections (and some not so petty), but for this we rely on Gods forgiveness, and God must be forgiving, to be putting up with us in the first place. Second, its true that we have no intermediaries in the strict sense no one in Heaven we could turn to in order to ask for a miracle, or to intercede with God on our behalf but most of the time I dont need that, I just need some shoulder to cry on, someone to pour out my heart to. And for that, our tradition tells us there are many of our folks up in heaven we can turn to. Our mothers, the Matriarchs Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah are always concerned about what happens to their children. Especially Rachel, who according to the passage in Jeremiah is weeping for her children because they are in exile. But most of all, I turn to members of my own family, especially my grandmother, my mothers mother, who is buried in the cemetery not ten miles from here. Every so often especially around the time of the Jewish New Year I go to the cemetery to pay them a visit, to tell them whats been happening in our lives, with Avi and the kids, and to ask their approval or advice. It may seem to an outsider like a one-sided conversation, but I know theres a listening voice there. Its a way, I guess, of reviewing my own life and seeing it through someone elses eyes. I come back feeling renewed, knowing that someone cares and feeling that persons support giving me new strength to carry on with my life. But dont you ever feel you need to pray to ask God for something tangible? Not really. Mostly I feel we pray to God that He give us the strength to do what we know we should do. Sarah stopped in thought a moment. No, let me take that back. Once I was very much in need of some very real help. Let me see, I must have been eleven years old. We were vacationing in the mountains. I went out on my bike with my younger sister, Shayna, who was six. She was riding on the support bar of my bike, in front of me. All of a sudden, my bike hit a big rock I couldnt see it because she was in front of me. The bike toppled forward. I fell hard on the ground next to the path. But my six-year-old sister fell much further, forty or fifty feet into a ravine. When I recovered myself, I called for her, but there was no answer. I
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looked around, but I didnt see her anywhere. Finally, I looked down the ravine, and was horrified to see her there, at the bottom, unconscious. I was frantic. I flagged down a passing car, and they promised to send for help. An ambulance came, and the paramedics got her up and took her to the hospital. I came with her in the ambulance. I told my story to the emergency room nurse, who called up the house we had rented for the two weeks. Fortunately, she found someone home. In twenty minutes, my whole family arrived. I was terrified of facing my father especially, because I was afraid he would blame me for what happened (and I knew I was to blame). He put his hand on my shoulder, then went into conference with the doctor. When he came out, he looked pale. He reported briefly on Shaynas condition: she was in a coma; there was swelling on her head; they would not know until she came out of it if there was any further damage. That was all. I filled in the blanks for myself: there might be brain damage, paralysis, God knows what, and I had done it to my own sister! Then the most amazing thing happened: my father took out some prayer books with all the Psalms, which he had brought to the hospital, and said that all of us, the whole family my two older brothers, my mother, and he but especially I who was already so involved we should all say Psalms and pray for my sisters recovery! I felt he was giving me a great responsibility to pray for my sister almost too great a responsibility, but not quite. At the same time, it was an opportunity to redeem myself for the wrong I had done. I think in retrospect it was wise of my father to give me this chance to relieve the sense of awful guilt I was feeling, to let me be useful. If anyone had told me at the time that prayer is not efficacious, I would have strangled them. I had never really known until then what it is really like to pray, with your whole heart in it. You have to picture to yourself this eleven-year-old girl who has been through six years of daily Hebrew education, but the Hebrew of the Psalms is very difficult, and there was a lot of it I understood only partially, or not at all. So the parts that I understood I really connected with, and for the rest, my imagination was filling in the blanks with my own urgent pleas, that God forgive me what I had done, that He understand, I didnt really mean to cause any harm, and most of all, that He should take good care of my sister and give her what we call a refuah shelemah, a perfect healing. I continued this way hour after hour, stopping only for a bite to eat. I would have turned into a nervous wreck, except that our whole family was doing this together, and every now and then we would hug each other for comfort. So I felt that my family accepted me despite what I had done. It must have been about seven oclock that evening that I felt a breakthrough. I know it sounds crazy, but as I stopped for breath from this marathon, I felt a kind of hand on my shoulder not from any member of my family, but something more spiritual and an answer of reassurance, not a voice but almost a telepathic communication telling me that everything was going to be all right. I felt a burden lifted from me. I didnt know whether to trust it or not. I felt I should feel guilty, but this answering presence told me that whether I deserved it or not, I had been forgiven for what I had done. My mind told me that Shayna was still in the greatest danger, but the presence told me she would be all right. I felt a tremendous suspense, to find out whether things would turn out as I had been told. So what happened? Esther prompted.
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We went back to our vacation house about nine oclock that night. We returned the next morning, and found Shayna awake. She was dazed and a little incoherent at first, but within another day she was back to being herself. It took a month for her broken arm and other physical injuries to heal, but our biggest fears had already been laid to rest after the third day. I felt that God had granted me a real miracle one more than I deserved. I felt a gratitude that is indescribable, and for months I was expressing that gratitude every time I prayed. (As I told you, we had daily prayer in school, so that was quite frequent.) I knew that from that time on I would not need any more miracles, at least not for a very long time. I would repay God for His goodness to me by doing my part every day to make things happen the way that they should. Sherry sat amazed, speechless. Sarahs account of the unnamed spiritual presence comforting her brought to mind a passage from the Gospels: When Jesus was baptized, he went straight up out of the water. Then the heavens opened up, and the Holy Spirit descended like a dove, and alighted on him. There came a voice from heaven saying, This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased. She called to mind moments during celebration of Mass, when the host was raised in palpable silence, and one could intuit a distinct presence in the room above the worshippers. She recognized the same presence in Sarahs account of her familys prayer vigil. Tears welled up in her eyes; she bowed her head in respect. Finally she looked up at Sarah and asked, When you pray now, do you experience this same presence? Yes, but (thank God) not with the same intensity. I couldnt bear to have that kind of experience on an everyday basis. Our tradition speaks of a bas kol, an echo of the Heavenly voice, like a reflection of a reflection. Thats enough for me, day to day. But I can feel the connection. And theres more there when I need it. I feel it especially when Im with my family my father, my mother, my brothers and my sister. I feel it every Friday night at our own Shabbos table, with the candles and the wine and the bread, and Avi blessing our children. Its all part of the same connectedness. The love that keeps our family together reaches upward to God. Family ties, connecting with each other, and connecting upward to God. A holy people. Sherry thought of similar experiences in her own life, of her last Christmas at home with her own family, especially talking with her mother and grandmother by the fireplace. She had then felt part of a circle of love, and had wondered if Elie could be included in it. She could see now that while there were important differences in temperament and cultural style between Sarahs family and her own, the love was as genuine in the one as in the other. If Elie had difficulty connecting with that love (and she thought he had), it had nothing to do with being Jewish. It had more to do with Elies personality his shyness, his intellectual aloofness, his bachelorhood. Well, there was a corrective for all of that. But could she from a different background be of any help to him in that respect? She hardly dared to ask. But now she felt ever so strongly that this was why she had come here, to ask this question. Sarah, I think I can understand what you mean by this sense of connectedness, with family and through ones family to God. I think you and I have experienced this connectedness, each from our different backgrounds, each in our different ways. I think that Elie is missing it, and he knows hes missing it. Hes searching for it. Thats why he comes to your discussion group, to find the connection through you. He was seeking it through me, also, in a different
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way. I know how you all feel about a Jewish person getting romantically involved with a nonJew. But Elie needs someone to help him link up to that greater power that formed us all. I want to do right by him. I want to help him in whatever way I can. Sherry felt Avi standing behind her. He had been listening for the last several minutes. He was leaning against the doorway in his apron, with his arms folded, gazing intently at her. Sherry, I admire your honesty. From the little I know of you, you strike me as a good person and a religious person. You have developed your own relationship with God that is admirable. I have no wish to change your relationship with God, and I know you dont want to change mine. As I listened to you and Sarah talking, I thought, this is as things should be Jews and non-Jews, each worshipping God in a different way, but respecting each other, and even able to learn from each other while preserving their distinct and different ways. But now you talk about Elie. Yes, he has not yet developed the relationship with God that I would like to see him develop. Very likely he is on a less developed spiritual level than you are (if we choose to talk that way). Does that mean that you are in a position to help him? That is a very difficult question. It all depends what you mean by help. He is pursuing a different path than yours, and he must stay true to his own path. I admit to feeling a little strongly about this and here Avi tensed up as he warmed to his theme but we are very few in numbers, and it is very important that we not lose a single one who is chosen to carry on our covenant. Four thousand years ago one individual, Abraham, started a relationship with God. God promised him that his descendants would carry on the blessing, and so it came to pass. Many hundred years later, Moses led the people to the foot of Mount Sinai and renewed the covenant there. They received the Ten Commandments and the Torah, and promised to observe the commandments. For the next several centuries we had prophets and psalmists who wrote the Bible, which I hope has given the world some spiritual benefit. Then came Christianity. I am not as enthusiastic as Felix about the influence Christianity has had on the world. Still, it has brought some such as yourself to acknowledge the true God, and to a true understanding of the ethical responsibilities incumbent on all mankind. I wish that Christianity had shown more respect over the centuries for the people of my covenant. It has been a hard time for us since you came to rule the Western World. Sherrys lip quivered as she remembered the death-camps in Night. I feel shame and remorse, she said, for the terrible things that some people have done. I dont blame you for feeling the way you do. I hope you dont condemn all of Christianity on that account. Its not my purpose now to judge or to forgive. Whats past, is past. I just want to look to the present, and to the future. A third of our people have perished in this century. Whether those who did it were Christians or pagans, I dont want to argue. We suffer now the loss of our numbers, and of our best Jewish communities, that were in eastern Europe. Those of us who remain, we live in a culture that is indifferent to our needs. Our best children go to college, they study science and history, they stop believing. Or their parents didnt bring them up to believe in the first place. They meet nice people their own age, half of them non-Jewish. They fall in love,
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get married, and thats the end of it. Most of them have never experienced a true Jewish Sabbath, true Jewish prayer, true Jewish study. When Elie started coming here to our discussions, he was illiterate in the traditions of his own people. But a spark was kindled in him. He took an interest; he started studying; he started arguing. He still accepts science as his standard of truth instead of the Torah, but at least hes wrestling with the question, how much of the Torah can he accept while still maintaining his intellectual integrity. God forbid I should ask him to sacrifice his integrity for the sake of what I believe in. He may not understand the covenant the same way I do. But he now accepts that hes a part of the historic covenant of the Jewish people. Hes come a lot farther along the path than most of his contemporaries. I hope he has a long way still to go. But this is the right path for him. And the future of the Jewish covenant with God depends on keeping people like him. If we start losing him and those like him, it would be a tragedy. We have come four thousand years. We must keep faith with the covenant we have established with God. Elie must keep faith with his covenant. You are a religious person. You understand what it means to make a pledge with God. Please, do not make Elie break his pledge. Avi and Sherry looked at each other in silence. Sarah and Esther sat by, looking on. Sherry pressed her lips together and took a deep breath. Then slowly, with a seriousness matching Avis, she nodded assent.
Forty Days
That Wednesday, Elie did not have to ask what the grey smudge on Sherrys forehead meant. A year together, and she seemed more unattainable than ever. But he was not privy to the tidal changes taking place beneath the surface. Sherry had thought long and hard about what to do about Lent this year. It was easier in the old days, when Catholics simply refrained from eating meat during the week (except for Sundays). It was technically a fast period. Just as Jesus had fasted for forty days in the desert to purify himself before assuming his ministry, so Catholics engaged in a kind of fast for forty days before Easter. But being ordinary mortals, they couldnt do without food and water for that long. So the custom of the Church was to give up eating meat for the duration of Lent. The calendar would show a picture of a fish on each day that meat was to be avoided. Everyone knew what was expected of them, and acted accordingly. No heart-wrenching decision was necessary. But in the contemporary Church, Lent was reinterpreted as requiring each individual to give up something meaningful of their own choice, as a symbolic fast or sacrifice. Now Sherry had to decide each year, what sacrifice she was going to make. In her school years, she had given up various things abstaining from television or entertainment, or giving up half her spending allowance to charity. In college, she had given twenty hours a week to community work during this season. This year, the arrival of Lent came at a critical point in her spiritual self-searching. She needed to sort out how she felt about her Catholic heritage, about the Jewish religion she was now discovering, and about Elie. The central image of Lent that crystallized her direction for this year was that of Jesus withdrawing to the desert for forty days, to explore in solitude what God wanted him to do. So she, too, would withdraw from the human associations that tended to sway her one way or the other, to meditate in solitude and pray for guidance. At mornings, she went to Mass as often as she could; in the evenings she read what she could about Judaism, starting with a review of the Old Testament. She resumed the reading of the Bible from the Ten Commandments in Exodus. She soon learned that Moses had gone into seclusion for forty days at the top of Mount Sinai after the giving of the Ten Commandments, and again after the sin of the Golden Calf, and on the second occasion he had fasted for the full forty days! So when Jesus made his forty-day retreat, he had actually been following Mosess example. And when Sherry emulated Jesus by observing Lent, she was emulating Moses also first unwittingly, but now in full awareness! So much of what she had taken to be simply Christian tradition was suffused with Jewish precedent. The boundary between Christian and Jewish was becoming ever more fluid in her mind. As she read through the second half of Exodus, she found the long descriptions of the architecture of the Tabernacle terribly boring. Then, as she started Leviticus, she found chapter after chapter devoted to laws of animal sacrifices and impurities. She was revolted by it all. Despite her vow of seclusion, she felt she needed human guidance at this point. She thought Ernest, the professor of Jewish studies, would be the right person to help. She got his number from Esther and called him up.
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Ernest, youve got to help me! Ive been reading through the Old Testament, trying to find the same kind of spiritual insights that were so much in evidence in our discussion group the other Saturday, but its been awful! Fifty loops on the edge of the one cloth, fifty loops on the edge of the other cloth, dash the blood against the altar is this supposed to be the word of God? Ernests voice in reply sounded so animated, she was sure she had tapped the eager boy behind his reserved scholarly faade. Sherry, Im thrilled that youre determined to learn about Judaism all by yourself! Its a formidable task youve undertaken. Im ready and willing to help in any way I can. But your own will to explore and discover is the most important tool to help you succeed. Let me start with your last point first. Is everything you read in the Bible the word of God? Youre going to have to make up your own mind on that. I cant give you any guarantees. As a historian, I see the Bible as the whole surviving literature of a people that produced it over roughly a thousand years. So Im not surprised to find a lot of variety in it. Theres enough in it thats noble and uplifting to have captured the imagination and loyalty of hundreds of millions of people for the past two millennia. But Im not going to pretend to you that its all perfect, because youre smart enough to see for yourself that it isnt. I also dont want to play the censor or spoon-feed you, because you dont need that kind of pampering, and anyway, your tastes are likely to be different from mine. Let me just recommend to you that you follow your own path, exploring and sifting, and make your own judgment as to what stands up. Now let me speak to the more difficult issue you raise. No ethical person enjoys watching the shedding of blood, yet most of us eat meat. Theres a contradiction there. Different people and different cultures deal with it in different ways. We moderns deal with it by shutting ourselves off from where the slaughtering takes place, so we can pretend that the supermarket makes cold cuts out of thin air. The ancients didnt have supermarkets; they saw the animal alive and slaughtered, so they knew what was taking place. They dealt with it by making a ritual of it. Youll see in the 17th Chapter of Leviticus that the ancient Israelites were forbidden to slaughter animals for meat whenever and wherever they pleased. Whenever they wanted the equivalent of a steak or a hamburger, they had to take the animal to the altar, make a sacred occasion of it, give a share to the priest, and burn the fat on the altar to God. They probably had fewer hamburgers than we do, as a result. Maybe youd want to conclude that the best way would be not to eat meat at all. Thats what the author of Genesis thought. In the original order of creation, only the fruits and plants were given to mankind to eat. Only after people had proved themselves incorrigible and God sent the flood, did He compromise with their baser instincts and allow them to eat meat. But in Messianic times, even the lion will eat grass like the ox. Read through the whole Bible, and youll see a profound ambivalence toward our violent relations with the rest of the animal kingdom. Sherry objected, But the author of Leviticus doesnt seem very ambivalent at all. He says in no uncertain terms, this is how you should do it, and describes the disembowelment and disposal of the blood in all its gory detail.
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I agree with you that the feelings of the author of Leviticus are very different from our feelings. But there are precious pearls to be found even in Leviticus, in the middle of the book and towards the end. Its your choice. Dont force yourself. Theres lots more to choose from. You dont have to start with the hardest. Try Ruth, Samuel, Jonah, or Isaiah. And if youre interested, theres another book, not in the Bible, from around the time of Jesus, that you can borrow from me. A Jewish book from around the time of Jesus? Actually, it was written down a couple of centuries after Jesus. But it includes the sayings of rabbis who lived and taught in the generations just before him, and the next two centuries after. Id love to have a look at it.
*******
The next morning Sherry went to Mass before work. The Lord be with you, said the priest as he led them. And also with you, answered the congregants. The familiar antiphonal responses gave her a feeling of continuity and at-homeness. She wondered if she would ever be able to feel this comfortable in a Jewish service. But then, she had never tried. They came to the moment of communion. This is the body of the Lord, the priest said, as he put the wafer on her tongue. All of a sudden the metaphor body of the Lord came alive for her, and she felt that the wafer had become real flesh in her mouth. (According to the Church doctrine of transubstantiation, it actually did become the body of Jesus at the moment of communion.) She felt a sudden revulsion, and knew that her feeling was connected with her reading of the sacrifices in Leviticus. The communion was a sacrifice; Jesus was the Paschal lamb, sacrificed to atone for the sins of the human race. No matter which way she turned, there was no escaping the theme of sacrifice. She swallowed it with an effort. That day at the office, she got so involved with working out with Karen OBrien and Pete Hammer the protocols by which Mr. CHIPS would talk to a VCR, that she was through the lunch line and was paying for a hamburger that she had put on her tray before she knew what she was doing. All of a sudden she felt herself transported to ancient Judea, with the blood of the cow spilling on the altar, and instead of paying the cashier the money for her lunch, she was dressed in a desert robe and paying the priest his portions of the animal, the shoulder and the breast. She had a much harder time swallowing that hamburger than she had had swallowing the wafer in the morning. She turned to Karen OBrien, who was sitting next to her.
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Karen, how would you like a hamburger? I just had one bite out of it. Did you just decide to be a vegetarian for Lent? If my grandmother can do it, I can too!
*******
After work, Sherry stopped by the college and asked directions to the office of the Religious Studies department. A student administrative assistant had Ernests book ready for her. It was a slim volume called Ethics of the Fathers. That night, as Sherry read, she was reminded repeatedly of the Sermon on the Mount. After an introductory preamble (Moses received the Torah at Sinai and passed it on to Joshua, who passed it on to the Elders...), it named one rabbi after another and gave their favorite teachings. Sherry imagined them standing, one after the other, in beards and brown robes, expounding their teachings to small groups of students, as she read passages like the following:
Antigonus of Socho said: Do not be like servants who serve their master expecting to receive a reward; be rather as servants who serve their master unconditionally, with no thought of a reward, and let the reverence for God be upon you. [Sherry thought: Not a bad expression for the Christian ideal of agap, or selfless love.] Shemayah said: Love work; hate positions of domination; do not make yourself known to the authorities. [Sherry added: And the meek shall inherit the earth.] Hillel said: Be a disciple of Aaron, loving peace and pursuing peace, loving your fellow creatures and attracting them to the study of Torah. He also said: If I am not for me, who will be? If I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, when? [Certainly very different from turn the other cheek, she thought, but this represents a fine balance between self-regard and caring for the needs of others.] Rabbi Simeon said: When you pray, do not make your prayer a rote exercise but rather a heartfelt supplication to God. [So Jesus was not alone in his concern for the genuineness of prayer and why should he have been?] Ben Zoma said: Who is wise? Whoever learns from everyone. Who is mighty? Whoever can control his desire. Who is rich? Whoever is happy with what he has. Who is worthy of honor? Whoever honors others. Ben Azzai said: Dont despise any person, or hold anything in contempt, for there is no person who doesnt have his time, nor any thing that doesnt have its place. There are four character traits among people: Some say, Mine is mine and yours is yours this is the average trait; Mine is yours and yours is mine this is the trait of a peasant;
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Mine is yours and yours is yours this is the trait of the saintly; Yours is mine and mine is mine this is the trait of a scoundrel. [Sherry thought: The saintly trait is the same as the one recommended by Jesus when he said: If anyone take your coat, give him your cloak also.] Whatever love depends upon some external cause, when the cause vanishes, the love vanishes; but whatever love is not dependent on an external cause, will never vanish. [Sherry considered how this applied to herself and Elie. If it was just physical attraction that held her, it would be all over now. She felt there was something much deeper and more permanent that was drawing her on.] A controversy for Heavens sake will have lasting value, but a controversy not for Heavens sake will not endure. [Sherry commented: When two religions like Christianity and Judaism just bicker over whos right and throw insults at each other, this is not a controversy for Heavens sake. The controversy for Heavens sake is when they try to learn from each other and pool the highest insights of each into a common wisdom.] Ben Hei-hei said: The reward is proportionate to the toil. [Sherry thought: Well then, Ive earned my reward! But there seems to be so much more toil ahead. When will I be through the toil and get to the reward?]
It occurred to Sherry that if Jesus had been more of the mainstream and less of a rebel, his sayings might have found a home in this collection. The Ethics of the Fathers described for her the milieu of religious ideas and values within which Jesus had lived and taught. He was an original personality, and his originality was expressed in his teachings, but he also drew on the accepted tradition. His emphasis was more altruistic than the norm, but not totally off the chart. If this was the ethical teaching of Judaism, it was not all that different from what she accepted already.
*******
While she spent her days and nights meditating on all these religious questions, a new tenderness was developing in her demeanor toward Elie. She came to regard the rift in their relationship as caused by two factors: the differences in their religious backgrounds, and the alltoo-human limitations in their characters: alternating difference and bravado on his side, failure of understanding and imagination on her side. But it was time to forgive; they had suffered enough for those sins of omission and commission. Her Lenten abstinence and her need for seclusion forbade outward romantic manifestations, but it did not forbid small kindnesses. So she would take on little tasks to lighten his load, insisting gently but firmly with soft words, then withdraw to maintain distance. Or she would gaze wistfully at him until his glance met hers, give a fleeting nod and smile, then bury herself quickly in her work. Elie, for his part, responded to these fleeting gestures of warmth in a way that fit his pessimism and resignation. Though he saw no hope for a rekindling of intimacy, he was thankful that she no longer harbored bitterness toward him. They could bury their previous hostilities and gather some warmth from the embers of passion past. Knowing that she was still capable of kind feelings toward him helped relieve his feelings of loneliness and despair. Maybe he could contemplate living the rest of his life in solitude, taking comfort from the knowledge that she had once loved him.
Sherrys Passion
Passion Week had now arrived. Sherry knew that it was time for a decision. Something had to die in her, so that something might be reborn. But rebirth was still beyond the horizon. The drama of Good Friday was a drama of death, presented as final in order to realize the full impact of the tragedy that had occurred. On that day, perfection died. The reconciliation of irreconcilables God and man in one person, Jew and Christian in one individual was too good for this world; it must perish. In this vale of tears, imperfection has held sway ever since the time of the primal sin. Sherry found a church where Bachs Saint Matthews Passion was performed in English as the central part of the Good Friday service a three-hour enactment of the human-cosmic tragedy. One thing she noted about this liturgy was that it did not assign exclusive blame to the individual Jews or Romans who were involved in the events leading to Jesuss death. All humankind were implicated through their sinfulness
Tis I whose sin now binds Thee With anguish deep surrounds Thee And nails Thee to the Tree; The torture Thou art feeling, Thy patient love revealing, Tis I should bear it, alone.
Sherry acknowledged, as part of her own sinfulness, her personal inadequacy and inability to bridge the gap that her own experience had created within her. She could not be at one and the same time the good Catholic girl, schooled by those nuns the memory of whose classes she would always hold dear, and also the one to lead Elie on the path he was chosen for. The next minute, she experienced this as a failure of humankind at large, that it was tragically divided into races and sects which kept people apart. As the mighty choruses filled the church, she pictured vividly in her mind herself as a girl in Catholic school, and the dear nuns in their habits, always ready to instruct and advise; then the next minute she saw Avi, Sarah, and Ernest with the rest of their group, discussing the Torah. Each way was whole unto itself, but together they clashed. And she must choose between them. What was she to do? Again, the words of the Passion spoke to her: O My Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, Thy will be done.
O Father, let Thy will be done, For all things well Thou does, In time of need refusest none, But helpest even the lowest, In deep distress, Thou still dost bless, In wrath rememberest mercy; Who trusts in Thee Shall ever be In perfect peace and safety.
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All living things must pass away. The girl that she was, was no more, but transformed into a woman. In time, that woman must also die. Before that, those she loved her grandmother, her mother and father would return to the dust. So, too, Elie. They would all die, in Gods good time. Until then, let there pass what God had ordained for them. She prayed that in that divine plan, there would be fulfillment and happiness along the way for all of them. But there was always the danger that her willful impulses, born of egotism and desire, might blind her to the divine plan. She prayed that she might be given purity of heart, to perceive without willful coloration what God really wanted for her. O Father, let Thy will be done. The drama proceeded to its climax, and death prevailed. Sherry felt herself emptied of all passion and desire, no longer Christian or Jew, but a receptacle in which God would have to pour His potion. Sherry went home to her parents, but was quiet and uncommunicative. When her mother asked if everything was all right, tears came to her eyes, but she held back and did not cry. Finally she asked, Mother, will you accept me even if I become a Jew for Elie? Now it was her mothers turn to cry. But she regained her composure and said, If you do that, will you at least promise to come home for Christmas? No matter what happens, I promise you that, Sherry said. Their hug was an eternity. That Saturday, Sherry spent much of the day in her bedroom, going through old things that reminded her of church and school. She thanked these dumb possessions for bringing her to where she was now, even as she made her peace with the change that was putting them into a past chapter of her life. She was lonely, and turned to the Old Testament for comfort. At least here was something that would be hers no matter which path she took. After much aimless wandering through its pages, she happened to come across the book of Ruth:
And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee; or to return from following after thee;. For wither thou goest, I will go; And where thou lodgest, I will lodge; Thy people shall be my people, And thy God my God.
Was she ready for that step yet? She was still not sure.
*******
Easter Sunday. The sun poked its way up through heaps of orange mashed-potato clouds. Sherry and her parents put on their finest and walked hand in hand to Mass. The cool breeze brought out the glow in her cheeks. Blue crocuses and yellow daffodils gave thanks for their own reawakening unto life to the God Who sustains all creatures. Year after year Sherry had
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experienced the exultant triumph of this day so that it was second nature to her. This year she knew it had a new meaning for her, which gained in force throughout the service. The empty tomb was the end of the estrangement between her and Elie. The Resurrection itself took on two radical reinterpretations: her relationship with Elie would be restored, and she, having resigned herself to spiritual death two days ago, was being reborn as a Jew. She had not felt such joy since the breakup maybe never before in her life! She said nothing, but her face told it all. Irene knew her too well to misread her. Youve made your decision, she whispered to Sherry in Church as the chorus was singing the Resurrection from the Credo. Sherry nodded. Youre going back to Elie. Sherry nodded again. And youre going to convert to Judaism. Sherry nodded again. Im going to miss you, but if thats right for you, thats what counts. May it be that God wills it so. Sherry clasped her mothers hand in thanks as the chorus concluded the hymn.
*******
That Monday, when Elie arrived at work, Sherry was already at her desk, looking very absorbed in her work. He found a note on his desk, folded and taped. He opened it, and read:
Dear Elie, I finally decided you were right, that we should not be married by a priest. How about being married by a rabbi? Love, Sherry
He turned around, and as he did, she turned and faced him. Joy was written all over her face. And she was wearing the chai that Esther had given her, with the two lovers facing each other:
Sherrys Passion
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Passover
The dramatic events of the first Easter took place on Passover. Ever since then, the Church was careful to schedule Easter just after the first full moon after the vernal equinox, which generally coincides with Passover. But about one year in ten, a difference in the Jewish and Christian calendars makes Passover fall one month after Easter. This was one of those years. So just after celebrating Easter, Sherry was now looking forward to celebrating Passover the very next month. Sherrys decision to become Jewish was a momentous step, a personal passing over. Elie was in shock of disbelief for days after she announced her decision. He kept remarking what a come-uppance it was that he, the great skeptic, would never be able to forget how much he owed to a miracle for that is exactly what it seemed to him. But as momentous as it was, her decision was only a first step on a long path. She now needed to turn that promise into fulfillment, to become fully Jewish both in her private life and in her relations with other Jews. Ernest referred her to a conversion class given by the local board of rabbis, and she enrolled in the next class, to be given in the fall. But she did not want to wait that long. She decided she wanted to start learning Hebrew, to be able to pray in however meager or halting a fashion in Hebrew. Ernest recommended a dual approach. She could take an introductory course in modern Hebrew with Shoshana, which would teach her the basic elements of alphabet, vocabulary, and grammar that are common to classical and modern Hebrew. At the same time, Ernest would give her private lessons in the Hebrew of the prayer book, that would be tailored to her immediate needs. She pressed him so urgently that he gave her the first improvised lesson then and there, in his office. Lets start with what youre familiar with. Two sentences from the Catholic Mass are also found in the Jewish prayer book. Sanctus, sanctus, sanctus Dominus Deus sabaoth holy, holy, holy is the Lord of Hosts. In Hebrew: Kadosh, kadosh, kadosh Adonai tzevaot. Notice how the Hebrew tzevaot is the same word as the Latin sabaoth. It means host or entourage. The whole universe is Gods entourage. I had always come across that word sabaoth in the Latin Mass, but never knew where it came from, Sherry reflected. You already know four Hebrew words from the Church service. Sabaoth (hosts), hallelujah (praise the Lord), hosanna (O please save), and Amen (in truth). Well make a note of them for future study. For now, lets look at the second sentence from the Mass: Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini blessed is he (or she) who comes in the name of the Lord. In Hebrew: Barukh haba bshem Adonai. She could not read the Hebrew letters yet, but she listened carefully and repeated the words after Ernest. She had recited this verse so many times in English and Latin. Now it was gaining new meaning for her. It was she who was coming in the name of the Lord from one group of His followers to another.
Passover
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And now I need to introduce you to one more verse, the most important in the Jewish prayers: Shema Yisrael Adonai eloheinu Adonai ehad Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One. He wrote all three verses for her, in Hebrew with English letters, and in English translation. He also gave her a prayer book with Hebrew and English on facing pages, and showed her where these verses occurred. The three verses would initially be her mantra, to repeat every day as often as she liked until she was thoroughly intimate with them. Meanwhile she would browse at leisure in the English side of the prayer book, becoming familiar with the full range of Jewish prayers. But with Passover so near, she wanted to learn more about that holiday. The Exodus from Egypt was the birth of a people through its liberation from slavery. At Passover, every Jew was supposed to imagine himself or herself as having gone personally out of Egypt, The first thing that came to Sherrys mind was the stories her mother had told her about the struggles of the Polish nation to become free of Russian domination. She asked Ernest whether this was a legitimate association to make. He thought it over a moment and answered: Yes. You are who you are. You should not deny your self or your background. All Jews in the modern age are members of the nations they grew up in. We participate in the lives of our local countries, and in the life of the Jewish people. Those of us who remember our background in the old country identify with our countries of origin there as well. The theme of liberation is a universal theme as well as a Jewish theme. Many Jews bring into their Passover Seders the spirituals that were sung by black Americans, who drew connections between the experience of black slavery and the Biblical narrative of liberation. When Israel was in Egypts land, let my people go!... Passover is about Jewish liberation and the liberation of humanity. And the struggle of the Polish people for liberation is a part of that larger process. Ernest took a book off his shelf. This is the standard English dictionary of Talmudic Hebrew. It was compiled by a nineteenth-century rabbi, Marcus Jastrow, who lived in Philadelphia. He was originally from Poland. He was forced to emigrate to America, because he spoke out so often for Polish freedom that the Russians considered him persona non grata. So I think he would personally approve of your raising the issue of Polish liberation at our Seder. Ernest explained to Sherry the symbolism of the different foods used in the ceremony. The matzah, or unleavened bread, marked the renewal of the agricultural cycle, as well as the haste of the Exodus and the bread of poverty that the slaves ate. The bitter herbs (symbolizing slavery) were complemented by the sweet haroset sauce (hope of freedom). The egg and parsley marked the coming of spring. The four cups of wine marked four stages in liberation and joy. The cup of Elijah was to herald the Messianic redemption still to come.
*******
Passover arrived. All the regular participants in the Shabbat discussion group gathered that evening in the Frums dining room. Avi led the service, from the first cup of wine through the final songs. Jeremy and Rebecca chanted the Four Questions in Hebrew, and Sherry (as the newest comer to the tradition, and the most curious) asked them in English.
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Anyone familiar with this crowd will know that the discussion was stimulating, and the food outstanding. It was around ten-thirty in the evening when they finished the last songs. Jeremy and Rebecca had fallen asleep on the living room couch. The evening was warm and clear. Sherry and Elie decided to go for a walk outdoors in the moonlight. Out under the moonlit sky, sniffing the fragrant blooms of spring, she expressed to him how right it felt to her that the two of them were experiencing their own personal renewal together at the same time as the renewal of the season and the renewal of the Jewish people. He, for his part, expressed to her that he had never experienced a Passover as complete, as meaningful, as this one, and he owed the largest part of it to her. When Shoshana saw Sherry and Elie make their departure, she invited Ernest to walk with her in the same direction, and for once he did not hesitate. Felix and Esther were not to be left out, either. Soon there were three couples strolling through the nearby park, along the sidewalk by the river. Avi and Sarah were left behind to put their sleeping children properly to bed, and to straighten up the house a little. Half an hour later the love-birds straggled back, only to find Avi seated at the table with a book. Whats the matter, Avi? Felix asked. We thought we finished the ceremonies for this evening. Are you looking for more obligations? Avi was unperturbed. You said yourself that Judaism is a religion of obligations. Dont you say the Song of Songs on Passover? But we dont say that until Saturday afternoon! Ernest countered. Well, do you mind if I start early? I thought it would suit this evenings mood. There was no objection. Avi began chanting the words in Hebrew to the traditional sweet, lilting melody in a major mode. Soon he was alternating between Hebrew and English, while keeping to the same melody:
The Song of Songs, which is Solomons. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, For your love is sweeter than wine....
Sherry sat down with Elie, their arms linked tightly, as they followed together in the English. This was one obligation she had no problem with.

Whither Thou Goest

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Whither Thou Goest

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Whither Thou Goest

A Contemporary Love Story

Leonard Levin July 12, 2006

Leonard Levin July 12, 2006