Conflict Case Study Although you will also discuss these in your small groups in class, go ahead and

briefly describe your chosen conflict here: My conflict is with my little brother, Ben. Ben is two years younger than me and is a freshman at Western University right now. We have always fought, and in the last two years have had to start sharing a bathroom when we are both home for the summer or on breaks. Ben and I have never really learned to communicate in a healthy way, and are quick to yell ate each other and have always used really bad fighting strategies. What are the causes of this conflict? What type of goal(s) do you and your partner have in this conflict? How are your perception patterns (page 58 in the text) affecting this conflict? I think one of the main causes of this conflict is that our whole lives my brother and I have had to fight for attention in the family. Being the two middle children in a family of four, we are both have always had to struggle for our parents' attention, and we have both at some point gone through a somewhat rebellious stage, as opposed to the youngest and oldest siblings in our family. My perception patterns affecting this conflict is that I attribute my behaviors to external circumstances and his to internal; for example, the fact that he doesn't do chores I perceive as being because he is lazy, while my excuse is that I have done the chores my whole life and am older, or am too tired or something. Also that we judge ourselves more charitably than others; we are both very similar, and most of the time I don't stop to recognize that and just fuss at him for things he does wrong, when I do the same things. So far in this conflict, you have been using a competitive or cooperative approach? Which approach has your partner been using? Definitely a competitive approach, and so has my brother. We pick fights every chance we get, and whoever gets the last word is considered the "winner" of the conflict, which we both want to be. How does social exchange theory, attribution theory, systems theory, interaction theory or dialectical tensions theory help you understand your conflict? Systems theory helps me understand my conflict. It is defined as "relationships among individuals are in a system, and the system and surrounding environment must be considered to understand the whole." My entire family and the way we interact with each other must be considered for me to understand why my brother and I fight the way we do. As discussed in class, the way my parents fight probably has a lot to do with how we fight, which means we fight the same way, therefore causing even greater conflict.

Is this an approach-approach conflict, an avoid-avoid conflict, or a approach-avoid conflict? Why? I think this conflict is avoid-avoid, because I am always having to choose between either arguing back and continuing the fight, or ignoring him and then blowing up later or getting mad that I haven't said anything. Part of perceiving a conflict is analyzing Barnlund's six views. What are the six views in your conflict?
y How do you view yourself in this conflict?

-Honestly, I always view myself as "right" in every conflict with my brother. Even when I sense that I am probably in the wrong, I still swear up and down that what I'm doing or saying is right, which just increases the conflict.
y How do you view the other person?

-I view my brother as selfish at times and similar to myself in that he will argue and argue with me about something because he is convinced he's right.

y How do you believe the other person views you?

-I believe my brother views me as a nag and as someone who's trying to boss him around sometimes.
y How does the other person view him or herself?

-I think my brother is insecure about himself and his relationships with others, especially my parents.
y How do you believe the other person views you?

-Ben definitely views me as bossy towards him.

y How does the other person believe you view him or her?

-Ben probably believes that I view him as annoying, because this is how I act like I view him. How does your conflict fit the definition of an interpersonal conflict as defined by your text? A struggle? Interdependent parties? Interference with goal achievement? Perceived? Conflict Definition: -My conflict is an interpersonal conflict because it fits the definition of a struggle (the fact that

we do not get along and fight often) among a small number of interdependent people (myself and my little brother, Ben) arising from perceived interference with goal achievement. The goal interference that exists here are process goals and relationship goals. Our process goals we fight over are sharing the bathroom and close living quarters at home, and we argue about cleanliness and chores. Our relationship goals would be the relationship we have with our parents, and how we want to be perceived by our parents, and trying to be liked by them. What is the trust climate like in this conflict? The trust climate is low in this conflict; my brother and I don't trust each other because in the past, when we were younger, he and I both would tell on each other for every little thing, which has created low trust that has continued over the years. So far, how have each of you done with effective listening in this conflict according to your text? We have not done any effective listening; both of us do not do a good job of listening to each other. We either ignore each other or interrupt and cut each other off constantly when arguing. How does power affect this conflict? Power affects this conflict because of the fact that I am older and tend to feel like I am always right, or I should always get my way, just because I am the older sibling. Does culture play a role in your conflict? If so, how so? If not, have you ever had a conflict with someone where you believe culture played a part? Tell us about it. Culture does not play a role in my conflict, because both my brother and I grew up with the same parents in the same household all our lives. However, since we both grew up in a low context culture, we feel the need to constantly be talking which leads to arguing all of the time. In what ways does gender affect your conflict? Same sex or opposite sex? Gender affects this conflict because my brother and I show anger differently; I've seen him get angry and will throw something or break something, and I will just get upset and cry, which is typically how girls respond to an anger situation. How have you and the other person in this conflict done with the 10 Commandments of Clean Communication? Which commandments have you broken? Which ones has he/she? What can/should you do differently taking the 10 Commandments into consideration? If you

haven't broken one of the 10 Commandments of Clean Communication in this particular conflict, is there a conflict that you normally struggle with? I have not tried the 10 commandments with my brother yet, but I'm excited to try it next time I'm home. We've definitely broken commandments 1, 2, 3, 4, 8, 9, and 10; so pretty much all of them. We both break 1 and 2 the most; we call each other names and attack each other for things every time we fight. I think if we worked on using these, we would avoid having so many fights and if we did fight, they would not be as heated or last as long. Have you and the other person in this conflict done any negiotation? If so, has it been competitive negotiation or collaborative negotiation? If competitive, which strategies in table 8.2 on page 133 did you you and/or he/she use? Did you use any compliance-gaining strategies (page 139)? Do you think use of more collaborative tatics might bring about better conflict management? If you have already been using collaborative negotiation, which tatics in table 8.5 on page 144 have been the most helpful? If you want to move the negotiations from competitive to cooperative bargaining, which tactics in table 8.6 might you consider worth trying? My brother and I are usually negotiating something when we fight, whether it's over chores, how something should be done, or anything really. It has definitely been competitive. We have both used verbal aggressiveness, force the other to make a reasonable offer first, threats, promises, obnoxious persistence, frame the issue favorably to your side, lie, call in debts, and tit for tat. I definitely think we both need to learn and use collaborative tactics, because they are much healthier. Some tactics I would use for cooperative bargaining would be selecting the right channel of communication, apologizing, and bringing the relationship into the decision. I think using the right channel of communication and communicating in a clean way is going to be the most helpful tactic. Researchers believe that emotional intelligence (EQ) is a good measure of how people deal with conflict? Do you agree? I definitely agree that EQ is a good measure of how people deal with conflict. I am highly emotional and sensitive, which makes me fly off the handle in conflicts with my brother; I think if I were able to handle my emotions better, then we would have better communication and less conflict. When you took the Thomas Kilman Instrument (TKI) in class, what conflict style came out your highest? Do you think your case study conflict is indicative of how you normally behave in a conflict? If not, why is this conflict different? What makes you behave differently in conflicts? Which style (avoidance, accomodation, competition, compromise or collaboration) do you think you use most often?

My TKI conflict style that was the highest was compromise. I don't think that I use this with my brother and how I fight with my brother is not how I fight with other people. I am more aggressive in fights with my brother than I would ever be to my friends or in a relationship. I think I behave differently because since he's my brother, there's no fear of losing him because he's part of my family; with friends or a boyfriend, I don't want to hurt or put them down because I care about the relationship a lot more and about keeping it. I think most often I do use compromise when I fight with people other than my brother. Think about a previous interaction with this person. Using Imagined Interaction, how could you re-imagine this interaction using a different script and made it go better? Give me some direct quotes (or as close to your recollection as possible). Instead of, "You're lazy and stupid", I could have said "I shouldn't be the one to do chores around the house all the time, I need you're help since there's so much to do." Instead of "I hate you", I could have just not said it and instead said nothing at all or something more positive, like "I can't be around you right now." Using either the Awareness Wheel or the Interactive Conflict Analysis, script what a conversation might sound like between you and the other person. ME: "Ben, I've noticed that you leave your dirty clothes in our small bathroom, and it gets in the way when I need to shower or use the bathroom." BEN: "Yes, I did that." ME: "I think that you do this because you don't like to clean up after yourself and you want me to do it, and I think you partly want to make me mad by doing it." ME: "I feel disrespected when you expect me to pick up your dirty clothes, when you know I help out with other house work as well." ME: "I want you to respect the space that we all share, and to please take your dirty clothes to your bedroom after you shower so that they're not in everyone's way." ME: "I am willing to not verbalize my complaints all the time if you are willing to work on cleaning your own stuff." Select one of the following analysis tools from Chapter 9 and analyze your case study conflict. You may be repeating some things from previous posts but that's okay. * Mayer's Wheel of Conflict * Mapping * Comprehensive Conflict Checklist * Conflict Road Map MAPPING Fears:

Ruining family dynamic Never being able to get along Never speaking again Needs: To get along for the family's sake To get to know each other as friends To have fun together Does your conflict person fit the descriptions of a bully or difficult person in Chapter 10? If so, how might you use some of the information in that chapter to better deal with him/her? If not, have you ever had a conflict with one of these people? Discuss that. My brother definitely fits the definition of a difficult person. He interrupts me constantly, as well as everyone else in the family. He is also a bully because he attacks me in all five areas, mainly on my self expression or direct attacks. Some of the information we learned might help me deal with him better by me not attacking back, which I tend to do VERY easily with my brother, and by having self awareness about what he says to piss me off and not letting it get to me. How might a 3rd party or a mediator help you with this conflict? A third party could definitely help us reframe our responses to each other to less offensive things, and to help structure the conversation so that we can figure out why we really fight about things and not get off topic talking about the little fights we have. How well do you believe you handle your anger/emotions? Do you tend to be a trait or state angry person? How has anger and emotions played a role in your case study conflict? Have you ever apologized in this conflict? Has he/she? What type of apology? If this conflict gets resolved or just ends, what do you think the aftermath will be? Do you think you can/will forgive? Looking back over previous posts, have you been telling a "grievance story?" If so, how can you reframe with positive intention? I do not handle anger or emotions well. I cry very easily when I am upset about something, and when I am around my family especially I fly off the handle very quickly. In general, I am not an angry person, but around my family I can become angered very quickly. That is why in my case study with my brother, our conflicts are usually pretty harsh because we both fly off the handle around each other more than in our daily lives with other people. I have never apologized to my brother for fighting with him so much. I think if our conflict ever ends, we may end up being close friends because that is how I am with my sister, and I wish to be that way with my brother too.

Tell a family story that fits into one of the family story types discussed in Chapter 13. When is this story typically told? What is the "moral" of this story in your family? Do you think your family of origin was pluralistic, consenual, protective or laissez-faire? How has that affected you? A family story that is told in my house is "parents are real people". These stories are typically told by my mom to my sister and I in private. There are several stories about when my mom was our age, and how she was engaged once before our dad, and she tells us about that relationship. She was engaged to a man who she was with for a long time, and he died of cancer. My mom has several things like Christmas ornaments and other little gifts that he gave her that are around the house, but none of us ask about because we all know who they came from. The moral of this story from my mom is that she is telling us to appreciate the family we have and to not worry about settling down and finding the right person at such a young age, because things happen and it may not be meant to be at our age. Our family is definitely consensual, because we are open about things now that we are older and are not super conservative, but my family is traditional in some aspects. This has affected me because it has made me grow up to want a traditional family like we had, but I am able to be myself and do what I want because I am not being pressured by my family to be a certain way, to have a certain job, or marry a certain type of person. If your case study conflict is with a family member, discuss how the material in Chapter 13 relates to your conflict. If not, as you were reading Chapter 13, what family situation or conflict did the material remind you of? My family is definitely a consensual family, which is probably why my brother and I differ in opinion on many things. We do not have too many big secrets in our family, so that is not really an issue in our conflict. When it comes to satisfaction in my family, between my brother and I in particular it is pretty low; however, satisfaction among my family as a whole is higher. I do not feel much closeness with my brother; we probably felt a closeness change when I was a teenager and was going through a slightly "rebellious" stage, and would hide things from both of my brothers. There was also more of a closeness change when I went off to college, and now that he is in college we are even less close. Jealousy may play a role as well; as we are both the middle children, but I am the older one, we have always felt conflict with our parents over that. What elements of unfair fighting have been present in your conflict? How might fair fighting make a difference? Elements of unfair fighting that exist in my conflict are threats, impossible demands, and not using clean communication. If we got rid of all of these bad habits, we would actually listen to each other instead of yelling and complaining about each other and threatening all the time.

Do you agree with Tannen that we are becoming an "Argument Culture?" Do you think we are becoming increasingly polarlized as a culture? If so, what is contributing to that? What, if anything, can or should be done about it? I definitely think we are an argument culture. Everyone always thinks their right, or that there is one answer to everything, and don't see that there's grey area. I think what influences that is media and the news, with people constantly arguing what is the "right" way to do something or see an issue. I think cleaner communication would help contribute to this a great deal, because then people could have more open conversations about issues and see all sides of it. Identify a social cause or conflict that you care about. Aside from how the conflict plays out in the larger society, how does the issue affect you personally? Why do you care about it? What values underlie your position? How is your identity involved? What actions or behaviors do you enact to support your belief? One social conflict that I care about is sex education among teens; with teen pregnancy, like Jade said, but STD rates as well. I care about it because it is something teens are seeing and learning through media and those around them that is affecting them at an impressionable time, so what they learn in adolescents is going to affect how they act/behave the rest of their young adult years. The values that underlie my thoughts on this is the belief I have in educating teens on important issues and parents being open to their kids about talking through theses issues and not ignoring them or thinking they don't exist. This affects me personally because I have seen several friends and peers of mine go through teen pregnancy and the issues with STDs and act like it's no big deal, when it is obvious they are not mature enough to handle it and are scared. Some actions that I enact so support my belief is to advocate for sex education and choice in our behaviors, and to be open with people about these topics, since so many people's parents aren't. As an RA on a freshman hall with many girls, I have conversations with them on a daily basis in which I help them work through problems or give them advice/education on sex and pregnancy, and I see that there is so much they don't know which really, really bothers me. If your case study conflict is a work place conflict, how does the material in Chapter 14 apply? Does the material explain anything about your case study conflict? Does it help shed any light on any aspect of the conflict? If your case study conflict is not in the workplace, did the material in Chapter 14 remind you of any previous workplace conflict? How so? Tell us about it and how the information relates to it. My case study is not in the workplace, but the material from chapter 14 about a chain of command makes sense with my family conflict. As the older sibling, I sometimes feel that I have a hierarchy over my brother by being born first. I also feel that I should be the one that my parents listen to and I should be the one to go to them with issues.