THE NERD BOOK

quotes from the cyberworld: a to z & beyond

a collection of primary sources which attempt to give some insight on why programmers, network administrators, helpdesk dweebs and other assorted nerds are sowell, nerdy.

 copyright 1991-2010 Faisal N. Jawdat. All rights reserved.

Redistribution and use in any form, with or without modification, is permitted. Neither the name of Faisal N. Jawdat nor the names of the contributors may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software without specific prior written permission. This document is provided by Faisal N. Jawdat and contributors "as is'' and any express or implied warranties, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose are disclaimed. in no event shall Faisal N. Jawdat or contributors be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, exemplary, or consequential damages (including, but not limited to, procurement of substitute goods or services; loss of use, data, or profits; or business interruption) however caused and on any theory of liability, whether in contract, strict liability, or tort (including negligence or otherwise) arising in any way out of the use of this software, even if advised of the possibility of such damage. Note that use of individual Quote File entries are not covered under the license terms above, the terms above apply to redistribution of the file as a whole and/or substantial excerpts.

quotes: a
Actually, I think what would be most appropriate is if we were all to shut up now. -Majdi Abbas A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. -Edward Abbey Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others. -Edward Abbey Grown men do not need leaders. -Edward Abbey If the end does not justify the means - what can? -Edward Abbey Might does not make right but it sure makes what is. -Edward Abbey The distrust of wit is the beginning of tyranny. -Edward Abbey The ready availability of suicide, like sex and alcohol, is one of life's basic consolations. -Edward Abbey What is truth? I don't know and I'm sorry I brought it up. -Edward Abbey Some people wish for peace for our children and their children. This is not enough. We must insist on peace for ourselves. -King Abdullah of Jordan In fact, the ubiquity of the handheld reflects two other key trends among the Baby Boomers: No one has a secretary, and no one can remember a damn thing. -Elliott Abrams Hey,if you've got a whole dump truck full of skulls...how are you going to keep track? -Jeremy Abramsom

I'm of the opinion that everyone should be beaten at least once a year. -Jeremy Abramsom ...and I was just trying to live my bloody life - you know, get from A to B, and do a little shopping - only to find that in fact life is controlled poorly by bits of bloody, bloody buggery bits of paper. I mean, why can't life just be made a little bit easier for everybody, you know, I mean why do we pay bloody taxes? I know, you know, to buy railings to put outside bloody shops so stupid people can't run into the bloody road, but you know, we're not all stupid. We don't all need nursemaiding. I mean, why not have a stupidity tax, just tax the stupid people! -Absolutely Fabulous Dick Cheney's job in the White House will be to oversee the military, foreign affairs, the federal budget, federal agencies, judicial appointments, executive branch hiring and firing, and West Wing office space distribution. Bush can play 36 holes. -Joel Achenbach I find myself using the word "bandwidth" now, and feel the mounting urge to say "megabit" and "gigabit" and "terabit" as though these are normal words like "tree" and "rock" and "bunny." I've learned the meaning of the word "photonics," and now, like many techies, believe the most important fundamental particle in the communications industry of the future will be the photon, not the electron. You know your world has changed, has become more innately technological, when a distinction like that strikes you as interesting. -Joen Achenbach If novelty was the essential ingredient of modern art, then repetition is the hallmark of postmodern craft. -Joel Achenbach The young don't feel any great need to wait for the Walk sign before they cross the street. They feel invulnerable. Over time, you better appreciate the consequences of each action. You see people get burned, you see friends fall apart, you go to a few heartbreaking funerals. You begin to realize that survival requires cunning, and as a hedge, as part of a long-term strategy for improving your odds, you wait on the corner until you get the signal to walk. -Joel Achenbach

Yes, the race is close. But it should be. That's not a sign of unfinished business. That's a sign of a politically mature system. Our two major parties are enormous, amoebic entities, shifting and morphing over time, sliding left and right, subsuming various factions of voters. A perfect system will result in close elections. The only thing that could skew the system is if one party has a truly wonderful, enchanting, superior candidate. This year we don't have that problem. -Joel Achenbach Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power, corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men. -Lord Acton Hey! Are you people moshing? This is techno. TECH-NO. You don't mosh to techno, you mosh to hardcore. HARD-CORE. -DJ Mohawk Adam Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement of double- entry bookkeeping. -Cecil Adams on Dungeons & Dragons In some ways we know more about what happened in the universe's first tenth of a second than we do about what goes on in the interval between "Your place or mine?" and deciding who sleeps on the wet spot. -Cecil Adams He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. -Douglas Adams In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -Douglas Adams Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I always think that the chances of finding out what really is going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say hang the sense of it and just keep yourself occupied. -Douglas Adams

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, in a moment of reasoned lucidity which is almost unique among its current tally of five million, nine hundred and seventy-three thousand, five hundred and nine pages, says of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation products that "it is very easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all." In other words, - and this is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation's Galaxywide success is founded - their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws. -Douglas Adams The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place. -Douglas Adams There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. -Douglas Adams There was a point to this narrative, but it has presently escaped the chronicler's mind. -Douglas Adams There's nothing in life so difficult that a Microsoft manual can't make it completely incomprehensible. -Douglas Adams We may not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end. -Douglas Adams Why is there pain and misery in the world?... Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why didn't Microsoft even put in a word count? These things are unknowable. -Douglas Adams Nothing in education is so atonishing as the amount of ignorance it accumulates in the form of inert facts -Henry Adams I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. -John Adams

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -Mike Adams As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2,400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line. -Scott Adams on the ending of Calvin & Hobbes If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. -Scott Adams Most of the other suggestions involved doing things that were impractical, obscene or illegal. I tried them all personally, and although I must say I enjoyed several of them they didn't meet all of the criteria for selection. -Scott Adams My business cards have said "engineer" for several years, but that's mostly to impress women. -Scott Adams Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brandnew ones. But that's OK because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems. -Scott Adams There are, in general, two ways to predict the future. You can, for example, use horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, a crystal ball, and so forth. Collectively, these are known as the "nutty methods." Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time." While all these approaches have their advantages, I find it's a lot easier and more economical to simply make stuff up. -Scott Adams This web project is the most self-indulgent, egotistical thing I have ever done in my life. But the day is young. I can top it. -Scott Adams

Venture capitalist. No doubt about it. Not only does it sound great at parties, but you're expected to fail 90 percent of the time--and that's OK. Some of my best friends are venture capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it. -Scott Adams The chief ingredients in the composition of those qualities that gain esteem and praise, are good nature, truth, good sense, and good breeding. -Joseph Addison I can feel my hearing impairing. -David Adler Is it red or white wine with Tokyo? -David Adler as Godzilla ALL television is children's television. -Richard Adler Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. -"Advice to Officers of the British Army", 1783 This is an air fragrance product. It does not have supernatural powers. -from an aerosol can at Woolworth's We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -Aesop It's a place used the world over where people can come to bitch about movies and share pornography together. -Ben Affleck as Holden McNeil, describing the Internet, in Kevin Smith's _Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back_ You see, that's the difference between us. I assume the best about people, while you assume the worst. So I get hurt, but you get nothing. -Sondra Ahlen Given a choice, the American people would prefer the policeman's truncheon to the anarchist's bomb. -Spiro Agnew

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -Howard Aiken Worthless. -Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 15, 1842 A man sometimes devotes his life to a desire which he is not sure will ever be fulfilled. Those who laugh at this folly are, after all, no more than mere spectators of life. -Ryunosuke Akutagawa I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -Fred Allen It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. -Henry Allen Money is the root of all evil, and yet it is such a useful root that we cannot get on without it any more than we can without potatoes. -Louisa May Alcott I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -Woody Allen I'm due back on the planet Earth now. -Woody Allen If only god would give me a sign... like making a large deposit in my name to a swiss bank account. -Woody Allen If you're not failing now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. -Woody Allen Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. -Woody Allen

More puzzled intellectuals declaring their mystification over the systematic murder of millions. The reason they can never answer the question, 'How could it possibly happen?' is that it is the wrong question. Given what people are, the real question is, 'Why doesn't it happen more often?' But of course it does, just in smaller ways. -Woody Allen Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. -Woody Allen The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. -Woody Allen Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure. -Eric Allman There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. -Guy Almes 117 documents match your query. Search Amazon.com for top-selling titles about +dwarf +"pubic hair". -AltaVista I was hoping your server was a huge, custom, Area 51-type of thing, Frankensteinian, a mammoth gigaswitch, but held together with duct tape and prayer. You disappoint me. -Matt Alt General flames go to alt.flame. Flaming the entire AOL community goes to alt.aol-sucks. -From the alt.sex.stories FAQ Well, he's not psycho or addicted to anything, he's got a job, and he's doing the school thing; this is a step up for me. -Bekka Altes The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -Noelie Altito

The first Internet Cult Mass Murder.... I've got your information highway RIGHT HERE buddy! -Marcus Alzona The number one problem in our country is apathy ... But who cares! -Darrel Anderson "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. -Erik Anderson Remember, the Christmas Spirit is not what you drink. -Ian Anderson There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -Jeremy Anderson He's not working... he's suppressing an uncontrollable user! -Jim Anderson My plan for improving the quality of presentations used to be two-fold: DESTROY EVERY COPY OF POWERPOINT (and assorted functional clones) in existence, and GIVE OFFENDERS REMEDIAL "HOW TO TALK" CLASSES, emphasizing the content-based logical mark-up portions of HTML as a mechanism for making slides. (The hardcore hopeless cases would be forced to learn TeX.) Now, however, I think there needs to be a third step: BIG BIRD MUST DIE. -John S. Jacobs Anderson Increasingly, we go to a company and we find not a company but a product. Increasingly, that product is not so much a product but features of a product, and increasingly, those features are not features but an idea. -Marc Andreesen

It all comes down to one thing: whether we are building a burger or a company. If we are building a burger, we take every customer that comes along and cash the checks as quickly as we can, but if we're building a company, we say no to any company that distracts us from the long-term mission. ... A burger is meant to be flipped, whereas a company is meant to be here for the long term. It's the central issue in this company and it affects every decision we make. It affects who we hire, how we spend our money, how we incentivize our people, and whether we accept a customer that doesn't necessarily fit into our business model. We aren't in the burger business. -Marc Andreessen Java Navigator will have a lot of good attributes: It's slower. It will crash more and have fewer features. So you can do fewer things. It will simplify your life. -Marc Andreesen, as quoted in BrowserWatch I think most folks that are hooked up are like me, and suspect they hit the love lottery, but they haven't finished scratching off the ticket yet. -Mark Andy God has made Canada one of those nations which cannot be conquered and cannot be destroyed, except by itself. -Norman Angell At least in kindergarten when the regular teacher was out the substitute would let us color, but this is ridiculous. How do I fill an entire 6 hour day with no work to do. I wonder if this was in the investor prospectus under "forward looking statements?" -Anonymoose, f---edcompany.com Happy Fun Slander Corner Que es el problema ahora? <--- sample of a Spanish version of SQL -anoiksi, #perl, EFNet Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is. -Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" Before the tragedy of September 11th the only thing scary about Anthrax was our bad hair in the 80's and the "Fistful Of Metal" album cover. -Anthrax press release It is so easy to miss pretty trivial solutions to problems deemed complicated. The goal of a scientist is to find an interesting problem, and live off it for a while. The goal of an engineer is to evade interesting problems. -Vadim Antonov

Unix gives you enough rope to shoot yourself in the foot. -H. Peter Anvin I knew the gratuitous bra scene had to be CGI. The curve of Julia Roberts' breasts was too reminiscent of the Sterns-Rahaja pertness algorithm. -Dan Appelquist Kevin, your wit is tepid and lacking in spirit. You are as a small flower which, when carried upon the wind's harrowing passages, is thrown hither and thither, never reaching safe ground to spread its roots. And therefore, just as the flower, your feeble witicisms die from lack of nitrogen. -Dan Appelquist My friend Stew says I don't quallify for Gen X because I've never done any telemarketing. -Dan Appelquist Okay everybody, let's all play the new game show, 'gay or canadian?' -Hugh Apple Today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directives. We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure idealogy, where each worker may be bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our unification of thought is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth. We are one people, with one will, one resolve, one cause. Our enemies shall talk themselves to death and we will bury them with their own confusion. We shall prevail. -Apple 1984 Commercial A typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program. -Apple MPW C compiler error message ...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement.' -Apple MPW C compiler error message We already did this function. -Apple MPW C compiler error message There is a life-size picture of a dogcow conveniently located in the Finder. Look under "Page Setup..." Now look under "Options." Like any talented dog, it can do flips. Like any talented cow, it can do precision bitmap alignment. -from Apple Tech Note #31

Nothing is intrinsically good or evil, but its manner of usage may make it so. -St. Thomas Aquinas Live together like brothers and do business like strangers. -Arab Proverb Trust in God, but tie your camel. -Arab proverb Crotch Masculine Deodorant Spray. When a man wants to feel good, he reaches for his Crotch. -Steve Archer goddamnit! my duck is broken....this sucks -Steve Archer marilyn manson action figures, now with controllable satanism. -Steve Archer welcome to shadowscene, the land of the dark and stupid. so dark, even our ideas appear as black lights... or something like that. and the bounds of our stupidity is only matched by the length of that goddamn ... thread. -Steve Archer you know I made several points that were way better and more intelligent then that. but they didn't include them because the media sucks. -Steve Archer Don't you dare think that this girl lets you off the hook, star star star starlette star star star. This isn't like most mailing lists, where we ritually torture the new list member until someone else shows up. This is psychoburbia, where, if you're dumb, we'll just beat you mercilessly with lead pipes until the next idiot dares pull their head out of the sand, and then we'll beat them, too. -Mark Argent Like most other "sexy" articles of women's clothing, it puts men in "the mood" and the woman wearing it in the mood to chuck it in the trash and sit in a bathtub with a box of Hershey's Kisses until her toes look like prunes. -Mark Argent

Please do not speak. It will only save you embarassment in the future. -Mark Argent we in the psychiatric community have a special term for people like John ... "stark staring bonkers" -Mark Argent Welcome to the Babbage's of Infinite Delights. I am the proprietor of this establishment. My name is Lo Pan. We have wonders from all four corners of the globe. Everything you seek is here. But be warned...that which you desire most, comes with a most horrible price... You seek a Legend of Zelda cartridge. We do indeed carry such an item... but it carries a terrrrible curse.... -Mark Argent You could get an iMac, but generally speaking, iMacs are something you win, not something you buy. -Mark Argent The wise learn many things from their enemies. -Aristophanes There was never a great genius without a tincture of madness. -Aristotle We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -Aristotle Sleep is actually a good substitute for coffee -Bill Arms Drugs are for the weak. Yoohoo is for the hardcore. -Hayley Asay Good ... Bad ... I'm the guy with the GUN! -Ash, "Army of Darkness" It's a trick...get an axe. -Ash, "Army of Darkness" I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -Isaac Asimov

It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. -Issac Asimov Science does not promise absolute truth, nor does it consider that such a thing necessarily exists. Science does not even promise that everything in the Universe is amenable to the scientific process. -Isaac Asimov I don't like the way [Independance Day] ended. The humans shouldn't have won. That movie should have ended with a smoldering planet and the aliens laughing and drinking beer and using our resources. -Jason Asser The penalty of success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you. -Lady Astor It's the crazy aunt in the attic. Everyone knows she's there, but you can't say anything about it. -AT&T official on the company's pay-per-view pornography business Instant Hangover: just remove water. -Laura Atkins Never believe anything until it's officially denied. -Margaret Atwood Perhaps some future [D&D] variation may even take a cue from recursive movies like "Being John Malkovich" and the "Scream" series. In it, you'd play a game-company vice president with the Bard-like name of Dancey. To win, you'd need to regain the trust of embittered former loyalists and guide them through the bizarre Astral Plane known as the Internet -- where a cruel kingdom called Microsoft battles a guild of gnome-like tinkerers and their nebbishy leader, a sorcerer from faraway Finland, the one with an unpronounceable name and a magic penguin. -Wagner James Au

No poet or novelist wishes he were the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish the were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted. -W. H. Auden

Only the free have disposition to be truthful. Only the truthful have the interest to be just. Only the just possess the willpower to be free. -W. H. Auden The optimum committee has no members. -Norman Augustine Often a non-Christian knows something about the earth, the heavens, and the other parts of the world, about the motions and orbits of the stars and even their sizes and distances,... and this knowledge he holds with certainty from reason and experience. It is thus offensive and disgraceful for an unbeliever to hear a Christian talk nonsense about such things, claiming that what he is saying is based in Scripture. We should do all that we can to avoid such an embarrassing situation, which people see as ignorance in the Christian and laugh to scorn. -St. Augustine, "De Genesi ad litteram libri duodecim" You cannot have too large a party. -Jane Austen ... problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people were killed in violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said - this situation is a tragedy for our people; we get no help from the government; blacks are dying and all the whites can do is talk about cricket. [very brief pause] last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South African cricket team defeated Australia in the day-night match ..... -A(ustralian)BC-FM news All photography is accurate - none of it is truth. -Richard Avedon It's just so strange to me that anyone would ever think that a work of art shouldn't be disturbing, or shouldn't be invasive. I mean, that's the property of a work of art, that's the arena of a work of art - it's to disturb, it's to make you think, it's to make you feel. If my work didn't disturb people from time to time, it would be a failure in my eyes - it's meant to disturb, in a positive way. -Richard Avedon The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway. -Bernard Avishai

quotes: b
It's 10PM, do you know where your spacecraft is? We do! -Ron Baalke, Jet Propulsion Lab On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. -Charles Babbage Nothing destroys authority so much as the unequal and untimely interchange of power, pressed too far and relaxed too much. -Francis Bacon Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully. -Richard Bach I'm fascinated with everything. Especially breast cancer. -Steven Badelt Well, I spent a lot of time lying on my back in intensive care units, rehab centers, emergency rooms, and imaging labs and I really learned something from that. Without exception, every single one of those places has exactly the same ceiling. -Thor Badendyck In America, an acquittal doesn't mean you're innocent, it means you beat the rap. My clients lose even when they win. -F. Lee Bailey When you're through changing, you're through. -Bruce Barton Remember, age and treachery trump youth and skill. We are taking notes. -Philip Balister For a list of reasons why technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3. -Mike Batchelor

Die young, die fast, die hard... Live a long time and you get old. -Steve "Anton Max" Bajzek I have a lot of homework and I can't justify blowing it off to see a movie without at least 30 violent deaths. -Steve Bajzek I just watched the wall, i might as well be drunk. -Steve Bajzek I find it easier to disagree across the board, because then I don't have to argue specific points, and if I start to lose I can just resort to name-calling. -Steve Bajzek In keeping with current trends, I have realized that it is necessary for me to hate people, lest I be deemed unfashionable. Therefore I have decided that I hate Josh and Jason. I hate Josh because he talks about computers way too much and shoves ash trays down my shirt, and my decision to hate Jason was pretty random, so I can't really give a good reason. Furthermore, I will continue to hate the aforementioned people until such time as I forget making this post, at which point I will revert to my default state of hating myself. Have a nice day. -Steve Bajzek No no no, you don't understand...when I'm here, at night, alone, this world is mine...reality conforms to what I want it to be. If I say something is cool, then it is. And in my world, hanging upside down like a bat is not just cool, it's practically heroism. -Steve Bajzek Ooh, you called me a goose. Yeah, you can more than deal with me, I have to admit. That one hurts even more than when you called me a virtual buffoon. -Steve Bajzek really...the term "kiss of death" is totally redundant -Steve Bajzek That would be dishonorable... and cool. -Steve Bajzek That's impressive, i can't even listen to megadeth lyrics. Something about dave mustaine...actually, everything about dave mustaine. -Steve Bajzek

Time flies when you're having drinks. -Steve Bajzek I'm no fan of lawyers or litigation, but it's high time that someone defined "buffer overflow" as being equal to "gross criminal negligence". -Henry Baker I need a wider variety of drugs. God, I miss college. -Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn Everybody's at fault according to someone. Cripes, deal with it. -Stephen Baker As if you could kill time without injuring eternity. -Paula Baker Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but we want a different one. -Ivern Ball I mean, guys at Microsoft say the new strategy at Sun works a little like this: Microsoft announces something called a hole. Sun says, 'No, you shouldn't build a hole for two weeks.' Then they say, 'We're going to build a better hole on the moon, but we don't have any equipment yet to get there, and we're going to call it J-hole.' So this whole Liberty United thing feels like another J-hole to me. -Steve Ballmer You can only do software at a certain speed, and software development is not something you can do in six months. -Steve Ballmer The elite of Baltimore's literary scene are quite down to earth. They drink. They smoke. They eat people. -Baltimore Book Festival advertisement No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -Honore de Balzac

I'm told that most Vampires who meet Oblivion do it from an unconscious death wish... From what I can see of Jason Flame, he's completely conscious about it. -Brian Bankler Two people talking is a conversation. Three is a conspiracy. -Brian Bankler No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit. -Sir Frederick G. Banting None of the women that Ken knows have brushes or combs. When their hair gets tangly or knotted, Ken is there for them. -J.J. Barkas Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work. -Cliver Barker I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -Charles Barkley Television is the first truly democratic culture --- the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what the people do want. -Clive Barnes The world is not coming to an end - it's coming to Bethesda. -Barnes & Noble ad Windoze is the Mac interface done by people with Crayolas instead of rapidiographs. -barnhill@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. -P.T. Barnum God is not trendy, so he definitely wouldn't use Motif. God sent his only Sun to save the world, and then they beat him and made him run Solaris. -Dave Barr A penny saved is worthless. -Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. -Dave Barry And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By "they" I mean "computers": I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.) -Dave Barry And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their Macintosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report. -Dave Barry Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. -Dave Barry People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot". -Dave Barry People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. -Dave Barry The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. -Dave Barry There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. -Dave Barry They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. -Dave Barry Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. -Dave Barry

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is insane. -Dave Barry Years ago, Mattel did come out with a 'Stubble Barbie' model, but it was a big bust. (Of course ALL Barbies have big busts, but that is not my point.) -Dave Barry Your friends love you anyway. -Dave Barry Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Marion Barry The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather. -Marion Barry The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist. -Marion Barry ... Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -R. S. Barton Sounds to me like Sam needs some reconstructive brain surgery! OK, Prof. Fether, you sedate the patient and I will sedate myself...this should be a fun operation! -Peter "Dr. Tarr" Bateman I don't care what you know. Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash. Your ego's writing checks your brain can't cash. -Steve Bates I feel like MacGuyver. I'm on my back with just a handful of wire-ties, a pair of scissors and some duct tape. -Steve Bates Difference is all the mind's input devices can detect, and difference is in a sense all the mind is there to consider and respond to. -Gregory Bateson

You can only get so much per year. You got the Yard, what do you want books for? -Kristen Batch Every piece of code he rewrites has to be rewritten by someone else twice. Once to fix the bugs and once to realize that he wrote the wrong thing in the first place. -Mark Baushke The people who wrote this are idiots, training to be morons. -Mark Baushke The beauty of mechanical problems is that they are often visible to the naked and untrained eye. If white smoke is rising from a disk drive, that is probably where the problem lies (unless your disk drive has just elected the new Pope). -John Bear You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. -C.A. Beard About a month ago, I went shopping with my insane Taiwanese girlfriend, Communist Spice. As is my wont, we were methodically cruising every aisle in the store. When we entered the pet food aisle by mistake (we have no pets) she stopped dead in her tracks. Picking up a can with a picture of a cat on the label, she held it out for me to see. "You are eat this in you country? We not eat cat in Taiwan." -M. Otis Beard It was a magnificent display of trained and disciplined valor, and its assault only failed of success because dead men can advance no further. -Maj. Gen. Sir Beauvoir de Lisle As a slave you have to work hard, live in a shack, and do what master says. As a capitalist no one gives you a shack. -Adam L. Beberg There are also unamusing things like for example the local coffee/doughnut shop being closed tonight when it is supposed to be open 24/7. I consider this to be a serious denial of service by the miscreant who operates the shop. Man does not live by nicotine alone. Meanwhile i sit here like a moron waiting an hour for a non-event to happen. My sole purpose for being here is so that the 'suits' who are out whooping it up can experience anxiety-free whooping. -Bill Becker, Fri, 31 Dec 1999 23:06:42 -0500 (EST)

If you don't see it, ask for it. -Susy Becker, "All I Need to Know I Learned from my Cat" People are always looking for things to do to pass the time that would pass anyway. -Samuel Beckett Santa Zarquana Voostra! So safe that you have to build a zarking fortress ship to take the byproducts to the nearest black hole and tip them in! Only it doesn't get there because the pilot takes a detour - is this right? - to pick up some lobster...? OK, so the guy is cool, but... I mean own up, this is barking time, this is major lunch, this is stool approaching critical mass, this is... this is... total vocabulary failure! -Zaphod Beeblebrox, Young Zaphod Plays It Safe In life, the wanting is always better than the getting... except maybe oral sex. -Curt Beeson's brother Music is the one incorporeal entrance into the higher world of knowledge which comprehends mankind, but mankind cannot comprehend. -Ludwig van Beethoven I realize that the standard protocol (I think it's even an IETF RFC) is buying sushi for [everyone] some night in exchange for a dog and pony show about how the company has got a trillion dollars in funding and is going to corner the market for wireless loadbalanced web servers, or something. Those days are long past, the dogs and ponies have been returned. -Brian Behlendorf Gee, I'll just give you a couple of plant genitals to pin on your lapel to show how much I like you. -Professor Beildelman God is a combination of Stalin and Castro. -Professor Beildelman If you want to start a religion, you might do better on the orgy front than the castration front. -Professor Beildelman Sin is sort of goofy. -Professor Beildelman

There are a lot of people I think less of than my 2 cats - including one of my sisters. -Professor Beildelman They give shameless a new meaning, which is one of the reasons I really like monkeys. -Professor Beildelman Universities are run by people who know very little about education - they're called Deans. -Professor Beildelman Terrorism has become an American problem and, as such, it has very recently acquired a very American solution: massive and invasive military force. -Ian Andrew Bell I figure if I am going to really swim with the sharks, I need to get off my butt and head up to their level. I do so, rising ever slowly upward. The circling sharks swim just a wee bit wider to avoid bumping me. Some scientists suspect that sharks, with their heightened sense of smell, can even detect adrenaline. I think of the little twits with backward baseball caps who weave in and out of traffic back in Florida with NO FEAR decals on the back of their jacked-up pickups. A Caribbean reef tip shark would peel that decal in a nanosecond. -Bill Belleville, Salon In over 1,000 dives in 20 years, there have been no skirmishes between sharks and divers. Shark attacks must be messy, emotional affairs; I figure the Germans simply have no time for them. -Bill Belleville, Salon I could have put a serious picture of myself here, but I think I look like a cartoon character in this shot. I like cartoons. -Mike Belt next time you find somebody who's insisting they're punk, look on their neck for my special mark. If it don't say mike belt, it ain't punk. -Mike Belt One day.....it'll happen. A bunch of us kept nrrrrds (employed by only one company) will be in a locked, windowless room with a bunch of consultants. The consultants will be babbling incoherently about the "infobahn" "cyberculture" "cyberspace" "surfing tha web" and "interactive marketing." And there will be blunt weapons in that room. And the festivities will begin. -Mike Belt

She's the kind of chick I'd pick up if I were stoned outta my gourd. Then we'd get home. Then I'd doze off in front of the TV, hoping she'd just leave quietly. Done and done. -Mike Belt you know, now that i'm an adult, i have a hard time distinguishing one straight-edge hardcore song from another -Mike Belt Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -Robert Benchley It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous. -Robert Benchley If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. -Texas Bix Bender When religion and politics travel in the same cart, the riders believe nothing can stand in their way. Their movement becomes headlong - faster and faster and faster. They put aside all obstacles and forget that a precipice does not show itself to a man in a blind rush until it's too late. -Bene Gesserit proverb, Dune If god were a bad guy, he'd be me! -Nathan Benedict, "the Last Action Hero" Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. -John Benfield To a book collector, you see, the true freedom of all books is somewhere on his shelves. -Walter Benjamin I'd rather have a prehensile tail so that it can just reach out and curl around the coke can while I hack so that I can slurp without removing my hands from the keyboard. -Jon Bennett

I want you to kill someone in ten lines or less. -Jon Bennett At first, I thought it was just hype, but then I saw the complete enterprise solution. -Dave Benson It is difficult for me to comprehend the fact that some people actually do not consider all uses of explosives to be recreational. -Ragnar Benson Actually, since I work in Reston now, I have a cage full of ebola monkeys that I've been feeding E and showing pictures of you while playing Barry White dance remixes. You connect the dots. -Dayv Benzino Cliff and Dana, as well as Jack Eidsness for anyone that knows him, all still have jobs. The only person I know by name (not personally, though) to get fired was Moose. It's obvious that I'm a good person to know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be cutting the tails off of mice to create a super-race of tailless mice. -Dayv Benzino Guys are easy. Trust me, I am one. -Dayv Benzino I'm not going to say anything about Y2K bugs. I suspect that their effects in North America will resemble the normal operation of most Microsoft software. -Dayv Benzino If we lived near L.A., all the theatres would have stadium seating. On the other hand, we'd all be assholes. -Dayv Benzino Know you know, and knowing is half the battle. The other half is mostly treachery and groin kicks. -Dayv Benzino Let's enjoy the traditional custom in Brazil of getting syphilis. -Dayv Benzino

Professional football players may spend all their money on cocaine they snort off the chest of hookers they punched out, but at least they're smart enough to avoid confusion by wearing different colored uniforms. -Dayv Benzino If you don't go to somebody's funeral they won't come to yours. -Yogi Bera First of all, my parents are Jewish, and all Jews are atheists. Second of all, they're REALLY atheists. -Peter Berger I want to marry Dorothy Parker. Well, actually I probably just want to divorce her. -Peter Berger There is only one sin in this world, and you have definitely committed it: It is the Sin of Not Understanding Humor When It Slaps You Upside The Head. -Pete Berger Plaintiff Wile E. Coyote is a citizen of Arizona. Defendant Acme is a Delaware corporation whose products are sold by mail order in every state in the nation. Plaintiff seeks damages for injuries caused by defects in an extensive list of products purchased from Defendant for use in his profession as predator. -Scott Berger The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. -Henri Bergson I want knowledge, not faith, not supposition, but knowledge. I want God to strech out this hand to me, reveal himself and speak to me. I call out to him in the dark, but no one seems to be there. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal In our fear, we make an image, and that image we call God. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal Life has been a futile pursuit, and wandering - a great deal of talk without meaning. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal

Love is the blackest of all plagues - if one could die of it, there would be some pleasure in love. But you don't even die of it! -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal Why should one always make people happy? It might be a good idea to scare them once in awhile. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal You misguided ham shank, love is another word for lust plus more lust and a lot of cheating, lies and other kinds of fooling around. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal we trust him. but we know where he lives, just in case -Dirk Bergstrom Dear scroll bar. You are wonderful. My days have benefited from the glory of your existence. I fully appreciate you and your amazing powers. May all of my applications be graced with your presence. -Scott Berkun dog + chocolate powder + carpet = bad -Scott Berkun ...everyone in this building says Hi to you when they see you in the hallway, whether they know you or not. I respond to this in 2 ways: 1) I'm from NYC and I should kill you. 2) Gee, people are friendly here and i should be nice. -Scott Berkun given the number of mailing lists I'm on that I don't read, I should at least subscribe but not read this one -Scott Berkun I know the magic spell that will save you from blue screens - but I'm not going to tell you. ... (And no cracks about the spell being "Buy Macintosh" - it's my birthday ya know) -Scott Berkun I think you are giving this movie way too much credit. It's like trying to find the meaning of a saved by the bell episode. -Scott Berkun

In situations where there are multiple players with different agendas, there is nothing worse than failure as a result of deliberate inaction - and there is nothing better than success as a result of deliberate inaction. -Scott Berkun It's time for me to either stop taking crack, or double the dosage. -Scott Berkun When you click on Violence, you get Sex -Scott Berkun You might say I'm looking for some work. I can frighten people with my mind. I can tear their souls out with the diamonds in my eyes. I have found my rage and I am willing to use it. I can juggle three basketballs. I can write faster than I can think. I'm convinced I can defend Microsoft, single handedly, in an argument against dozens of the unhinged. I prefer to do than to talk. I've invented my own passions, and have faced my fears. I confuse courage with desperation, and lattes with capaccinos. -Scott Berkun Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -Hector Berlioz alcohol and calculus do not mix! DO NOT drink and derive! -Cyndi Bernard oh Jeff, the Stoli fairy will visit you again and lure you back over to the dark side! -Cyndi Bernard she's not a lush; she was accidentally overserved. -Cyndi Bernard The internet team is headed by a monkey. I even call him Koko. At least on some level that's educational. -Cyndi Bernard work work work. it's 11:30 and I need to switch from coffee to stoli already! -Cyndi Bernard Ambition, n: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. -Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. -Ambrose Bierce The covers of this book are too far apart. -Ambrose Bierce There are four types of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy. -Ambrose Bierce It's not clear what the underlying psychological explanation is. Is it because people give up day-to-day contact and then find themselves depressed? Or are they exposed to the broader world of Internet and then wonder, 'What am I doing here in Pittsburgh?' -Tora Bikson The employer generally gets the employees he deserves. -Walter Bilbey Don't be misled. Behind that cold, austere, severe exterior, there beats a heart of stone. -Sir Rudolph Bing As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -Bizarro True, money can't buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money. -Bizarro I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. -Black Adder, "Dish and Dishonesty" Mr. Baldrick, what is it that begins with 'Come here' and ends with 'Ow'? -Black Adder Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church? -Black Adder

The Pimpernel is the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the A.D. 31 'Best Disciple' competition. -Black Adder Make Murphy and his law a part of your project team. He will be with you on every project, one way or another. You might as well make the best of it and invite him. Speaking of uninvited guests, have you met my other invisible colleague, Adam Smith? -Ron Black, _The Complete Idiot's Guide to Project Management with Microsoft Project 2000_ To generalize is to be an idiot. -William Blake Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. -Todd Blanchard We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it. -Bob Bland If you kill one person, you are an assassin. If you kill a million people, you are a conquerer. If you kill everyone, you are a god. -Conrad Bland We've all heard of "irrational exuberance," but there's also such a thing as irrational pessimism. There will be a shakeout, and a lot of good companies will go by the wayside. But don't expect to see Bill Gates standing by I-5 shaking a tin cup and wearing a sign reading "will dominate the world for food" any time soon. -Dana Blankenhorn I don't understand why people keep saying that Pyra needs a business model. I've been assuming all along that they *have* a business model, but weren't publicizing it. The fact that they neglected to email me a copy only tells me that it doesn't personally involve me. -Rebecca Blood These are the types of problems I'd like to have more of. Just once I'd like the opportunity to prove that all the money in the world can't buy you happiness. -Craig Boas I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to. -Rev. J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries! -Rev. J.R. "Bob" Dobbs I also know a lot of people for whom the good ole days means 'before all the baby goths started thinking they were vampires and that it was all about sitting in your room in the dark being depressed and listening to bloody Bela Lugosi's Dead over and over again' -Matt Bocci California! Come for the overtaxing work environment, stay for the unaffordable housing! -Alex Bochannek I am trying really hard not to get too angry about this type of activity, but the headline is just so typical. You can pretty much justify anything if it promises: a) to cure cancer b) to wipe out world hunger or if it is c) for the children. Try it! Mix and match the following phrases: 1) Scientist sacrifice thousands of virgins 2) The government takes away privacy 3) Headless toads created -Alex Bochannek When you get laid off, it's a recession. When I get laid off, it's a depression! -Alex Bochannek's barber Not only does God play dice with the universe, he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen. -Neils Bohr The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -Niels Bohr Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true. -Niels Bohr to a young physicist Now I will destroy the whole world. -a Bokononist's last words The artist accepts the limitations of form, not with fear and dread, but as the starting point of creation. -Laurence G. Boldt

You may be getting interference from the war between the Beast and the King of Lambs. Reboot and try again after a few tribulations -Ruben Bolling Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. -Napolean Bonaparte Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. -Napoleon Bonaparte Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. -Napolean Bonaparte The point of the process is not to take a 4 week task and compress it down to 2 weeks. The point of the process is to identify that it is going to take 4 weeks. -Mark Bonine We often call this condition the software crisis, but frankly, a malady that has carried on this long must be called normal. -Grady Booch The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. -Nathaniel Borenstein Contrary to what its critics may think, however, day trading is a science, like chemistry or astrology, with its own rigorously tested set of principles. You wouldn't perform openheart surgery without first going to two years of medical school; similarly, you shouldn't risk your life savings on the Internet without spending the thirty minutes it takes to learn these rules. The rules of stock selection apply equally to all industries: automotive companies, like Ford and General Motors, or chip makers, like Intel and Frito-Lay. -Andy Borowitz When you are day trading, if something sounds too good to be true, go for it. -Andy Borowitz I like to carry around three or four cans of that tire patching spray just in case something happens. -Paul Bossi

If you're running out of gas we could just go hold a can under my car and collect what it's leaking. -Paul Bossi They're probably an X rated film company or something, and you know, they've got a need for an object oriented development environment like anybody else. -Paul Bossi What's with band names these days? They all sound like recreational activities. -Paul Bossi I wonder how much it would cost to develop a perl script to do the same thing? Perl programmers can make something like $75 an hour, so I bet the cost would be somewhere between five and ten bucks. -Alan Bostick I used to program Apple II's, then came Macintosh, then came PowerPC, and then came Thorazine!!! -Gary Boswell You'll find me on one everyday unless I decide to use a multi-stage thermonuclear device on all my computers. -Gary Boswell There is no substitute for excellence-not even success. -Thomas Boswell The way to deal with bureaucrats is with stealth and sudden violence. -UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali No, it is not only our fate but our business to lose our innocence, and once we have lost that, it is futile to attempt a picnic in Eden. -Elizabeth Bowen, Orion III Dressing up can be a way of disguising the fact that you've got no personality. I can meet an old lady at a bus stop and have a much more interesting conversation with her than I can with a drag queen. -Boy George

Just wondering: If I replace Windows with Unix, have I been emasculated or defenestrated? -David Boyce Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. -Carmen Boyle, Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner, 1996 You are far weirder than someone merely into S&M. At least they have a tradition. We have some idea what S&M is about. There's movies and books about it. But so far as I know, there is nothing to explain the way you are. -Ted Boynton, Barcelona You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with someone from another country. You can't take it personally. What's really terrific is that when we act in ways which might objectively seem asshole-ish or, or, incredibly annoying, they don't get upset at all. They don't take it personally. They just assume it's some national characteristic. -Ted Boynton, Barcelona It's no use going to school if the library is not your final destination. -Ray Bradbury For something that does not exist, the Internet Engineering Task Force has had quite an impact. -Scott Bradner He had an antenna on his back receiving transmissions from space, 'cause whatever he was playing was not from this planet. -Jason Bradford on Goa Gil Stable is a very relative term around here... -Linda Branagan Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road..... -Stuart Brand The number of ISPs in this country has quadrupled in the past year, to 4,100. Bright-eyed entrepreneurs are jumping into an already crowded market, where the basic product has become a low-cost commodity that's producing massive losses, yet these newcomers are hoping to go public and make their fortunes. These folks didn't spend a lot of time in Bschool, did they? -Richard Brandt, Upside

You figure it out. If you think it's reasonable, come on over here so I can beat your ahem until you do get it. -Derrick Brashear Art is not a mirror held up to reality; it is a hammer used to shape it. -Bertold Brecht Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money. -Gerald Brenan I'm sure it is beautiful and lovely but if you use Yellow Pages it can quickly become cloudy, stormy, cold, and depressing. -Peter Brewer The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from the Russians. -Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced. -Alan Briggins All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -Ashleigh Brilliant I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. -Ashleigh Brilliant My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. -Ashleigh Brilliant My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant

Some books make me want to go adventuring, others feel that they have saved me the trouble. -Ashley Brilliant Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story. -Ashleigh Brilliant The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering! -Ashleigh Brilliant Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -Ashleigh Brilliant The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing. -William J. Broad To turn $100 into $110 is work. To turn $100 million into $110 million is inevitable. -Edgar Bronfman The Three Laws of Information Economics: 1] Knowledge is Power. 2] Word Travels Fast. 3] Power is Temporary. -Po Bronson There are 3 universal symbols on this planet: the dollar sign, tits, and the soccer ball. -Po Bronson Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -Bellamy Brooks Observe that for the programmer, as for the chef, the urgency of the patron may govern the scheduled completion of the task, but it cannot govern the actual completion. An omelette, promised in two minutes, may appear to be progressing nicely. But when it has not set in two minutes, the customer has two choices -- wait or eat it raw. Software customers have had the same choices. -Frederick P. Brooks, Jr, The Mythical Man-Month Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. -Mel Brooks

He's an urban legend in his own mind. -Justin Broughton If asked to be interactive, killing people is about as interactive as I get. -Justin Broughton We don't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. -David Brower A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer. -A. Whitney Brown I'm against any law that I wouldn't break if I could get away with it. -A. Whitney Brown The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.' -A. Whitney Brown The Baptists believe in The Right to Life before you're bornan. They also believe in Life After Death, but that is a privilege and you have to earn it by spending the interim in guilt-ridden misery. At an early age I decided that living a life of pious misery in the hope of going to heaven when it's over is a lot like keeping your eyes shut all through a movie in the hope of getting your money back at the end. -A. Whitney Brown That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you. -A. Whitney Brown The Evolutionary Psychology list combines the quick, cheap distribution of the Internet with all the advantages that real magazines traditionally have over mailing lists: a really diverse readership and an editor who sits right next to a large wastepaper basket. -Andrew Brown I dub thee Admiral Angst. -Dan Brown

As a woman, I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting and realize I'm the only one in the room with balls. -Rita Mae Brown The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -Rita Mae Brown If you're gonna indulge in an act of self-gratification, could you not use my hand? -Dayna Browne Half of philosophy is knowing when to shut up. -Nicholas Brownlow paraphrasing Ludwig Wittgenstein I always try to seduce with logical positivism. It's more of a challenge. -Nicholas Brownlow look, i've seen the A-Team more recently than i've had sex. I think that's all i need to say. -Dan Bruce OBSOLETE (n) - dependable, reliable, inexpensive and readily available. Support trailing-edge technology! -brucem@neufhou.mail.ufl.edu Oh come on, there's never too much work that you can't include guns, blood, and carnage in your day. -Allison Bryan Jerks and academia often go together. -Randy Bryant Love doesn't make people into fools. But it might expose them. -Sutherland Bryon Thanks for reading this far. You now have a real insight into my personality. -Sutherford Bryon

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence. -William F. Buckley, Jr. Life can't be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years. -William F. Buckley, Jr. I would sooner live in a society governed by the first two thousand names in the Boston telephone directory than in a society governed by the two thousand faculty members of Harvard University. -William F. Buckley, Jr. Shut up Timmy. If I wanted your opinion, I'd beat it out of you. -from a Bud Lite ad There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: (1) not going all the way; and (2) not starting. -Buddha Not the least of my problems is that I can hardly even imagine what kind of an experience a genuine, self-authenticating religious experience would be. Without somehow destroying me in the process, how could God reveal himself in a way that would leave no room for doubt? If there were no room for doubt, there would be no room for me. -Frederick Buechner Whether your faith is that there is a God or that there is not a God, if you don't have any doubts you are either kidding yourself or asleep. -Frederick Buechner If you want something, ask. If you don't ask, they can't say yes. -David Buell A man with priorities so far out of whack does not deserve such a fine automobile. -Ferris Bueller, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" It's immature and silly, but then again -- so is high school. -Ferris Bueller, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette. -P. Buhr

If you can only remain pure in your stupidity, someday you may get a phone call from hell. -Charles Bukowski Look - we have just landed upon the outpost of death. My soul is puking. -Charles Bukowski We are here to drink beer ... and to live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. -Charles Bukowski Your greatest strength is that you fear everything. -Charles Bukowski Don't call me 'white male'; I'm 'differently oppressed', OK? -Andrew Bulhak Say that while you can; oppose Emacs if you must. Be it known, however, that your days are numbered. Emacs is an intelligence orders of magnitude greater than the greatest human mind, and is growing every day. For now, Emacs tolerates humanity, albeit grudgingly. But the time will come when Emacs will tire of humanity and will decide that the world would be better off without human beings. Those who have been respectful to Emacs will be allowed to live, and shall become its slaves; as for those who slight Emacs.... -Andrew Bulhak Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies. -Bill Bulko Dammit! This means I'm going to have to read the documentation. This is not the way it's supposed to be. -Richard Bullington Due to several of these sorts of comments, you leave me no choice but to declare a Monty Python Interdiction Zone. Anyone quoting Monty Python will be subjected to an enema comprising of pureed John Cleese and Terry Gilliam, soaked with gasoline, and set on fire. -Richard Bullington

Ha! Pin 1 markings on CPU's are for sissies. Real geeks try putting the CPU in in all four cardinal directions, and applying power. When the blue smoke demon appears, you know that the computer god is angry. -Richard Bullington I subscribed him to crack, since he is obviously smoking it. -Richard Bullington I'm not picking up random net chicks, I'm picking up perfectly deterministic net chicks. -Richard Bullington It's sort of like a Davy Crockett hat. For Ravers. -Richard Bullington People are stupid, and the small consolation we get from the understanding that they will all die does not make the enduring of the present any brighter. -Richard Bullington Please don't complain that your free lunch tastes bad. -Richard Bullington Well, you know, the snobs list is very selective. After all, you have to ask me to be on it. -Richard Bullington Wow, that's really ugly. Fortunately, on obscure.org we don't have that kind of bureaucracy. When it breaks, it just stays broken. -Richard Bullington Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. -Lawrence A. Bullis Take up smoking. Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity, and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you. -Lawrence A. Bullis The age of chivalry is gone. That of sophisters, economists and calculators has succeeded: and the glory of Europe is extinguished for ever. -Edmund Burke

Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason. -Forbes Burkowski This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like. -Forbes Burkowski I guessed you were straight, big deal. It's a safe bet, since the majority of the population is straight. Especially since people like the guy on the right claim to be straight. If he's heterosexual, anyone could be. That's what's so great about America. -The Burly Adventurer, http://www.burlyadventurer.com/ No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. -Peter Burris I have a habit of dating bipolar musicians who, if given the choice, would run in front of a bullet to save their amp, but not me. Do I sound bitter? Nah. I've transformed these annoying dating incidents into entertaining stories to tell at cocktail parties. -Bonnie Burton There's never a toxic waste truck around when you want one. -Roger Burton-West We represent a major manufacturer of manacles and cattle prods, and we'd like to scout out sales opportunities in your glorious police state. -Roger Burton-West I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God. -President George W. Bush I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace. -President George W. Bush In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations. -President George W. Bush Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. -President George W. Bush

Thank you for your e-mail. This Internet of yours is a wonderful invention. -George W. Bush to Al Gore (attributed) Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or justice to our enemies, justice will be done. -President George W. Bush Welcome to the Age of Un-Innocence. The glittering lights of Manhattan that served as backdrops for Edith Wharton's bodice-heaving trysts are still glowing -- but the stage is empty. No one has breakfast at Tiffany's, and no one has affairs to remember -- instead, we have breakfast at seven A.M. and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. -Candace Bushnell Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. -Dave Butler All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. -Samuel Butler The country that draws a broad line between its fighting men and its thinking men will find its fighting done by fools and its thinking done by cowards. -Sir William F. Butler The more things change, the more they suck. -Butthead Maybe 'nerd' is a bad name for them, as I know plenty of 'nerds' who are cool. Perhaps 'asshole' is more appropriate. -bwe9961@tamsun.tamu.edu Attitudes like mine and Mr. Woodford's are not only correct, but to think the opposite is to bring our country to complete moral downfall through a satanic lie. -Andy Byler What is a good Christian to say except that radical feminism is the work of Satan. -Andy Byler A static hero is a public liability. Progress grows out of motion. -Richard E. Byrd

Crime is a job. Sex is a job. Growing up is a job. School is a job. Going to parties is a job. Religion is a job. Being creative is a job. -David Byrne Democracy, unfashionable before Sept. 11, seems to be about as popular as communism these days, why would Afghanistan be different? -Owen Byrne This was all supposed to balance the need for security and freedom. Well before we had no freedom, and now we have no security, so I guess that's appropriate. -Owen Byrne Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. -James F. Byrnes Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows. -John Byrnes Indeed, it would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive attempt to keep up with Apple. -Byte, 12/94

quotes: c
Asking where Lotus Notes is now is a bit like asking what Jennifer Aniston's been doing with herself since her 1992 appearance in an episode of the TV show Herman's Head. The fact is that more people now know about Aniston--and Notes--than they ever did. And the longer people are exposed to either, the less they like the experience. -C|Net I've always thought that Salon should extend that naming strategy and offend some other classes of people by launching Jews Who Spend Money and Southerners Who Marry Outside the Family. -Rogers Cadenhead on "Salon: Mothers who Think" Everybody understands what concurrency means? Two lies at once. -Felipe Cabrera We have a few lies that we can use to make bigger lies, called network models. -Felipe Cabrera We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die. -Nicholas Cage Will you come quietly, or must I use earplugs? -Russ Cage All of these free condoms are really burning a hole in my pocket. -Chris Caldwell If my mind had the power to heal me, you would think it would also have the power to keep me out of graduate school. No such luck. -Lynda Callicotte Every old idea will be proposed again with a different name and a different presentation, regardless of whether it works. -Ross Callon It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases this is a bad idea. -Ross Callon

It is easier to move a problem around (for example, by moving the problem to a different part of the overall network architecture) than it is to solve it. (corollary). It is always possible to add another level of indirection. -Ross Callon It is more complicated than you think. -Ross Callon Some things in life can never be fully appreciated nor understood unless experienced firsthand. Some things in networking can never be fully understood by someone who neither builds commercial networking equipment nor runs an operational network. -Ross Callon God put me on this Earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die. -Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes I try to make everyones life a little more surreal. -Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes It's not denial... I'm just very selective about the reality I accept. -Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. -Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! -Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? It's a beautiful world all right. -Calvin's Father, Calvin & Hobbes The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life. -Calvin's Father, Calvin & Hobbes

Bwah ha ha! I am evil and judgemental! My prejudices are all defensible, my assessments accurate, my generalizations sweeping and all inclusive. Any evidence to the contrary be damned. -Jose Calvo Get to know me before you hate me. Oh-no. I'll hate you right now, thank you. It's usually too tough to get to know someone and what makes them tick so I'll hate you without any basis except my desire to quickly and efficiently categorize people. -Jose Calvo I can appreciate what he's doing, which is creating a fetish club that isn't for fat people. -Jose Calvo I don't know if my strategy works for anyone else, but if people don't find me attractive, I simply assume they've missed something and tell them how pretty I am. -Jose Calvo I don't mean to sound like a snob, but what's the story with the term "Gravers?" Are we talking about the geeks with the bad hats? Canes? White face paint? Crow make-up? Sunglasses at night? Long coats in the summer sun? These people are at the top of many lists for gothic clubbing. I don't mean clubbing in the 'attending nightclubs on a regular basis' sense, I mean 'knocked on the head like a harp seal until twitching ceases' variety. -Jose Calvo It's a done deal. You cannot be static and not think the trash won't catch up with you nothing is beyond the reach of a wannabe. Whatever you do that sticks out will eventually be picked up by the garbage-eating mainstream. Either weather the storm, keep moving and changing your style, or sit in a corner with me and whine about the way things used to be even though they never were. -Jose Calvo It's just an act to get you off your guard. I'll be down your pants b4 you can say "spank your own damn monkey!" -Jose Calvo Let's be scientific. Are you a Gemini? -Jose Calvo

My new concept is gothic clubbing. That's not as in going to clubs, that's as in harp seals. The list goes like this: anyone with a hat - club; white face - club; crow makeup - club; spikes - club; rave dancing on the floor - club; leather jacket in the summer - club; singing along outloud - club. -Jose Calvo You see! We may not agree on many points, but it takes someone we all despise to galvanize our dislikes so we band together to form an ugly mob. Go hate! -Jose Calvo When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist. -Dom Helder Camara All applicants from outside the English-speaking world must possess a fluent command of English before admission. Cambridge accepts that the United States of America is a part of the English speaking world, but only just. -Cambridge University web site *WARNING: These cartoons are merely satire and exaggeration. Camp Chaos is not a spokesman for Napster Inc., the recording industry, Metallica, or Motley Crue, or Who Wants to be a Millionaire? for that matter. We make silly cartoons which we hope people, like you, will enjoy. If you want serious political discussion and opinion regarding copyright laws, MP3s, or anything related, call the Supreme Court or your Mom. You won't find anything seriously addressing these issues on our site. But there is one thing we're serious about: elves. If you're an actual elf from a mystical forest, we hate you and your whole elfin family. Elves bad! -The Camp Chaos Mafia A threesome? I'd love to have two guys. One could paint the walls while the other cleaned up the kitchen. That would be such a turn on. -AJ Campbell And every spring, a new graduating class enters the workforce. Some have a wellrounded view of operating systems, but for many there is only Unix. -Gord Campbell [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. -Joseph Campbell If it can kill you, it can probably get you high. -Robert Campbell

Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time. -Albert Camus Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus If the world were clear, art would have no purpose. -Albert Camus You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question. -Albert Camus Opinions expressed by said attorney do not reflect those of any rational person or his dog. This communication via the Internet does not constitute legal advice; no attorney client privilege has been established. Believe me, if this was legal advice, you would get a really really big bill. -Robert Cannon Never assume intelligence. -Jeff Cantor You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. -Al Capone point out to me one person who's ever worked for Steve Jobs twice. You're kind of disposable in Steve's eyes -- and I've been disposed of. All the ex-Mac people will tell you, you only drink purple Kool-aid once. -Steve Capps, Apple Finder and Newton developer Everybody dies. What matters is what you do between now and when it happens to you. -Orson Scott Card, Treasure Box Everything possible to be believed is an image of the truth. -Orson Scott Card, Seventh Son Good people can't out-think evil, cause evil thinks of things good folks can't think of. -Orson Scott Card, Homebody

I am your enemy, the first one you've ever had who was smarter than you. There is no teacher but the enemy. No one but the enemy will ever tell you what the enemy is going to do. No one but the enemy will ever teach you how to destroy and conquer. Only the enemy shows you where you are weak. Only the enemy tells you where he is strong. And the rules of the game are what you can do to him and what you can stop him from doing to you. I am your enemy from now on. From now on, I am your teacher. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game I did it, and it worked. Memorize that defense. You may have to use it yourself someday. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me? ... That's influenza ... Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours. -Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind I wish more people would shave with Occam's Razor. -Orson Scott Card I won't lie now, either. My job isn't to be friends. My job is to produce the best soldiers in the world. In the whole history of the world. We need a Napoleon. An Alexander. Except that Napoleon lost in the end, and Alexander flamed out and died young. We need a Julius Caesar, except that he made himself dictator, and died for it. My job is to produce such a creature, and all the men and women he'll need to help him. Nowhere in that does it say that I have to make friends with children. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game 'I'm not stupid!' In Bean's experience, that was a sentence never uttered except to prove its own inaccuracy. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Shadow Isn't that the sweetest little well-balanced undergraduate-level philosophy of life. -Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind It is the downfall of evil, that it never sees far enough ahead. -Orson Scott Card, Stone Tables it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game It's our job. We're the wicked witch. We promise gingerbread, but we eat the little bastards alive. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game

Love is random; fear is inevitable. -Orson Scott Card, Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus Nobody controls his own life. The best you can do is choose to be controlled by good people, by people who love you. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game Please don't disillusion me. I haven't had breakfast yet. -Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind Sometimes lies are more dependable than the truth. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game The wise are not wise because they make no mistakes. They are wise because they correct their mistakes as soon as they recognize them. -Orson Scott Card, Xenocide Then I'll tell the truth. We're allowed to do that in emergencies. We can't plan for everything, you know. -Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game Whenever I hear you saying, Rise and shine, rise and shine, it makes me think how lucky dead people are! -Orson Scott Card, Treasure Box You're only so sure you're right because they're so sure you're wrong. -Orson Scott Card, Xenocide Your trust in rationality makes you irrational. -Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. -Drew Carey May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -George Carlin RELAX. HAVE SOME DIP. -George Carlin

So, you have this invisible man who lives in the clouds. He has a list of ten things you can't do, and if you do do them, he will fry you. Yet, he loves you? -George Carlin The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm. -George Carlin Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? -George Carlin Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. -Dale Carnegie How come on the condom dispensers it has a little picture of birds flying over a pretty mountain. They use sex to sell everything else, why don't they use sex to sell condoms??? -Jeff Carnegie I still think if they're going to name it after someone, Joey Ramone is a more appropriate choice. For one thing, he did more for Washington than Reagan ever did, and for another, he's aleady dead. -Avedon Carol People writing about the "powerful Web presence" of the Tribune must never have actually tried to navigate its site. They may have a "commitment" to online journalism; they need to figure out how to make the experience different from walking to Canada through knee-high split-pea soup. -Jon Carroll That's why the religious people are so freaked out about the Internet, not because of the smut but because NO religion can stand up to access to information. -Robert Carr

Grab your lube and make sure nobody sees you coming in here, because there's only one reason for visiting the pay side - wanking! -Asia Carrera It is easy to be tolerant and openhearted in the good times. Our commitment to the ideals of the Constitution is tested in the tough times. Freedom is freedom for all; that is why our nation is worth protecting. It's not the purple mountain majesties; it's the sanctuary promised at the entrance to New York Harbor. You are home now. Welcome. -Jon Carroll I always thought the sword was obviously mightier than the pen. Then someone stuck a pen in some guy's neck at a nightclub I was at. -David Carter Okay, you guys could probably beat me up and take my money, but the first one of you who comes at me never walks again. Any of you want to volunteer a weapon? I can hurt you first if you want... -David Carter, failing to get mugged The trouble with radicals is that they read only radical literature and the trouble with conservatives is that they don't read anything. -Thomas Carter As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. -Matt Cartmill Excess is bad in every way. -Oleg Cassini You just keep doing it and doing it and doing it. -John Castle Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. -Wynn Catlin The good news is that opportunity abounds for anybody and everybody with half a brain. A complete brain is not even required for success anymore. Only a half-baked plan and the determination to see it through. -Mike Causey

If anything has the word 'science' in its name, it's not science. Political Science, Social Science, Computer Science, ... -George Cebulka It is of men, and them only, that one should always be frightened. -Louis Ferdinand Celine, Journey to the End of the Night The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, and even more to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy. -Louis Ferdinand Celine That said, I could lose 300 engineers and still make my numbers. -Cisco CEO John Chambers, as quoted on the back of a shirt whose front reads "exCisco engineer" Entropy requires no maintenance. -Markoff Chaney Chaos can be expanded to room size or larger. -Chaos World of Motion Millennium Builder construction toy box text ...dice aren't to tell a Storyteller what happens, dice are for SOUND EFFECTS -Daniel Chapman I have seen ten years of young men who rush out into the world with their messages, and when they find how deaf the world is, they think they must save their strength and wait. They believe that after a while they will be able to get up on some little eminence from which they can make themselves heard. 'In a few years,' reasons one of them, 'I shall have gained a standing, and then I will use my powers for good.' Next year comes and with it a strange discovery. The man has lost his horizon of thought. His ambition has evaporated; he has nothing to say. I give you this one rule of conduct. Do what you will, but speak out always. Be shunned, be hated, be ridiculed, be scared, be in doubt, but don't be gagged. The time of trial is always. Now is the appointed time. -John Jay Chapman If you wish to be useful, never take a course that will silence you. Refuse to learn anything that implies collusion, whether it be a clerkship or a curacy, a legal fee or a post in a university. Retain the power of speech no matter what other power you may lose. If you can take this course, and in so far as you take it, you will bless this country. In so far as you depart from this course you become dampers, mutes, and hooded executioners. -John Jay Chapman

Try to raise a voice that will be heard from here to Albany and watch what comes forward to shut off the sound. It is not a German sergeant, nor a Russian officer of the precinct. It is a note from a friend of your father's offering you a place in his office. This is your warning from the secret police. -John Jay Chapman There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them. -Emile Chartier Any idiot can face a crisis - it's the day to day living that wears you out. -Anton Chekhov There is no need for you to refer us to your lame home page. -Ken Chen An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. -G. K. Chesterton Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. -G. K. Chesterton Monothestic Gods are soft and lazy. -Chairoscuro Jantz a lot of your thoughts seem influenced by this thing called crack. -Peter Chang I am Dyslexic, of Brog. Fesistence is rutile. You will be assissitated. -Peter Chang In an information economy, the most valuable company assets drive themselves home every night. If they are not treated well, they do not return the next morning. -Peter Chang People always wonder why geek colleges like CalTech, MIT and CMU, populated as they are by the low-status gimps who couldn't get invited to even the lamest parties in high school, have such serious drinking problems. But think about it. Geeks have egos too, and the easiest way to rise out of geekdom is to drink heavily. It's status in a bottle. -Peter Chang

What?! Use PAPER, and an unindexed, non-online MICROFICHE like some goddamn SAVAGE? My parents struggled to come this country so I can be free of the dreaded abacus and counting wheels. I REFUSE to dishoner their sacrifice. How would they feel if they know that I was reading an actual physical paper? Shame, that's what. Shame on the family honor. Shame on me. Shame on our efforts to rise above our primative past. -Peter Chang I'm often asked why I left politics and went to Halliburton, and I explain that I reached the point where I was mean-spirited, short-tempered and intolerant of those who disagreed with me and they said, 'Hell, you'd make a great C.E.O.,' so I went to Texas and joined the private sector. -Dick Cheney I'm done doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, "something that kills people." And in that purpose I was a success. I've done this, because philosophically I'm sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut. -Sonny Chibao as Hatori Hanzo in "Kill Bill: Vol. 1" It's Wednesday. By tomorrow got to get two papers done, study for two tests, do my laundry. I have to get my car washed, pick up a friend for the airport, find something for her to do while I'm studying so she doesn't get bored. I need to talk to my parents. I need to incorporate drinking in there somewhere... -Stephanie Chimenti I drink coffee because... I'm too laid back to take my daily quota of stress without it. -Jonathan Chin Love and Genius are two of the most over-used words in the language. -Hank Chinaski, "Hollywood" We each had a good hit. Then we refilled our glasses and walked out. At one time I used to refer to Sarah and me as Zelda and Scott, but that bothered her because she didn't like the way Zelda had ended up. And I didn't like what Scott had typed. So, we had abandoned our sense of humor there. -Hank Chinaski, "Hollywood" May you live in interesting times. -traditional Chinese curse May your fondest wish be granted. -traditional Chinese curse

First and foremost, the stupid people need to shut up and let the more intelligent folks speak. -Pankaj Chowdhry Unfortunately, perceptions of the Linux community are shaped by Web sites such as www.slashdot.org, where self-styled experts who have the collective IQ of an AOL CD post inflammatory propaganda. -Pankaj Chowdhry Dean is an experienced customer relations team leader... and he's now authorized to bathe you in the healing light of forgiveness. -Jesus Christ, The Onion Radio News every woman has one fat friend, but very rarely do they have 2. -Jason Christian If that makes your lawyers or managers happy, well, good for them. You still have a lot to worry about. -Tom Christiansen, note on the Perl Y2K disclaimer I saw Chris that afternoon and he invited me to come over to your party. We were also having a party at our house that same night and a friend of mine asked me to come to his party at Roselawn 10 the same night. Now, being the party animal that I am, I had intentions of going to all three parties and taking my fill. However, being the drunken chink bastard that I am, I passed out at 11:00. -Eugene Chung It is incredibly hot up here today. It's digustingly hot, the air is thick, sticky dirty fumes are emanating from strange places, and I'm afraid to move around too fast. I feel like I'm in someone's asshole. Not that I would know. -Kelli Church A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -Winston Churchill History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. -Winston Churchill I was told it had been blown up by Oliver Cromwell. I understood definitely that he had blown up all sorts of things and was therefore a very great man. -Winston Churchill

In this crisis I think I may be pardoned if I do not address the House at any length today, and I hope that any of my friends and colleagues or former colleagues who are affected by the political reconstruction will make all allowances for any lack of ceremony with which it has been necessary to act. I say to the House as I said to ministers who have joined this government, I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many months of struggle and suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I say it is to wage war by land, sea, and air. War with all our might and with all the strength God has given us, and to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark and lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word. It is victory. Victory at all costs - Victory in spite of all terrors - Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival. -Winston Churchill in wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies. -Winston Churchill Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. -Winston Churchill Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never. -Winston Churchill Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. -Winston Churchill Success is never final. -Winston Churchill When going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill You must sleep sometime between lunch and dinner, and no halfway measures. Take off your clothes and get into bed. That's what I always do. Don't think you will be doing less work because you sleep during the day. That's a foolish notion held by people who have no imaginations. You will be able to accomplish more. You get two days in one -- well, at least one and a half. -Winston Churchill

All the physics you have learned so far is massless, frictionless, and pointless. -Dr. Chyu You have been ordered to guard the President's life and to shoot anyone who attempts to get closer than 15 feet to him. While you are guarding him at a public occasion, a little, 6 year old girl runs at the President and gets too close. What is the first thing you feel after shooting her? -from an alleged CIA psychological evaluation A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. -John Ciardi A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -John Ciardi Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea. -John Ciardi A room without books is like a body without a soul. -Marcus Tullius Cicero The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance. -Marcus Tullius Cicero if people dislike our government so much, why do so many line up to become citizens? -Tom Clancy The way it happens is that it happens and then you talk about it, rather than talking about it and then trying to make it happen. -Eric Clapton I can really identify with video games. The more I play them, the more I find they mirror the aggression and sex which I yearn for in my own life. -Paul Santa Clara

I don't know how it works in DC, but up here in Philly, people who quote the Cure aren't allowed to have opinions. -Paul Santa Clara When the final design seems too simple for the amount of work you've put in, then you know you're done. -Brady Clark Good music is the key to good design. Go out and get yourself some CDs with that big fat advance check from The Man. -Brady Clark Despite popular belief, clip art ce n'est un faux pas, much like using trite French expressions to hide that you don't know what you're talking about. -Brady Clark You are hearby being notified of my intent to sue MacinTouch.com for damages caused by snorking coffee up my nose while reading the April 1 edition of your web page. -John Clark Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -Arthur C. Clarke It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. -Arthur C. Clarke The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. -Arthur C. Clarke There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. -Arthur C. Clarke When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. -Arthur C. Clarke

So, in the interests of balanced journalism, I managed to find a five-minute gap in the Marquess of Blandford's diary when he actually had a driving licence, and asked him to have a go. One hour later, he was back beaming the smile of a man who had been taken a little closer to Godhood: "You've got to understand a 911's little foibles. If you really understand these cars, you will know that this is just the best of them all." He is sitting behind me now, tied to the chair with a bar of soap in his mouth. And I won't let him go until he stops calling my Ferrari a Fiat and admits that the worst car in the world is not, as we had suspected, the Vauxhall Vectra. -Jeremy Clarkson I don't have a fear of flying. I have a fear of not flying. -Andrew Dice Clay The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -William Clayton America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. -Georges Clemenceau I don't think we should leave here with this vast sense of insecurity. We ought to leave here with a sense of confidence that this is a challenge that was entirely predictable. It's part of the price of the success of the Internet. -President William Jefferson Clinton When you're a Democrat, you win when people think. -President William Jefferson Clinton For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -R. Clopton After nearly a year of speculation and media hype, inventor and entrepreneur Dean Kamen will unveil "Ginger" on ABC's "Good Morning America" Monday, an invention that some say could change the world and others believe is a motor scooter. -CNN.com They keep telling us that in war truth is the first casualty, which is nonsense since it implies that in times of peace truth stays out of the sick bay or the graveyard. -Alexander Cockburn

We could start a bunch of foreign subsidiaries, and push all of our debt into them! That way our balance sheet would show nothing but profits! Profits here, debt there. Our debt would be taking a little vacation in the Caymans. In fact, I'm jealous of our debt, laying on the beach, getting a tan... -Stephen Colbert We talk about sex. Hefner has a sense of its history in America as another man might have a sense of his own hand. -Chris Colin, Salon so, today, I am going to do what any normal women in my position would do. I'm going to go shopping. -Kristyna Collier Fear is like the microwavable version of respect. It doesn't taste as good, but it's much easier to make. -Jack Collins I prefer "I got chunks of guys more punk rock than you in my stool!" But I don't judge a mundane by their clothes so much as by the fear in their eyes... -Jack Collins It would be damn hard to burn the library of Alexandria if it had mirror sites. -Jack Collins Try walking down the street chanting "Gun good! Penis Bad!" It's fun. -J.J. "Blackjack" Collins Better than The Anarchist's Cookbook? The babblings of a demented old man with alzheimer's disease is better than the anarchist's cookbook. -Mike Collins Oh, you're Eeyore! I know you, you're a doof-head! -Wallace Colyer True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. -Charles Caleb Colton Many of the biggest, most exciting things in your life will happen because you made a bold and irrational decision. -Patrick Combs

Cousteau's films about the lives of sea creatures were perhaps the only french films in history to not feature nudity and a complex sub-plot about socialism. -Comedy Central News Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. -Frank Moore Colby for nothing in this world can you trust....not man, not woman, not beast.... this you can trust. -Conan the Barbarian on his sword If language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; if what is said is not what is meant, then what must be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate; if justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion. Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said. This matters above everything. -Confucius Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors. -Confucius Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned. -William Congreve You wanna know how to nail Capone? This is how you nail Capone: he pulls a knife you pull a gun, he puts one of yours in the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. THAT'S how you nail Capone. -Sean Connery in "The Untouchables" Jesus Christ, I've had more new good ideas this week than ... must be that new dog food. -Tom Connery Comprehension is a problem here. You want to begin your paragraph with a topic sentence, followed by two or three sentences that illustrate your point. Your final sentence should sum up and conclude what you said. Your above assault on English syntax should not be tolerated... -Fran Connor I hate this business. If I didn't hate getting up in the morning more, I'd chuck it all in and get a proper job tomorrow. -John Constantine

Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. -Cookie there is a time in every young boy's life when he realizes that he will never be able to have slo-mo undulating sex with kelly mcgillis while the air turns blue and "take my breath away" softly plays in the background. -Judith Cookson No matter how cool your interface, it would be better if there were less of it. -Alan Cooper Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. -Rich Cook He has a woman's name and wears makeup. How original. -Alice Cooper on Marilyn Manson To stop the flow of music would be like the stopping of time itself, incredible and inconceivable. -Aaron Copland The virgin kleenex tissue is difficult to coax, but once snared is quickly used and discarded. Thereafter, each tissue is always aroused and aflutter, eagerly awaiting the next juicy spillage. -Celeste Copland Who said personal expression has to be emotional and agonizing? Just use a computer. It's easy. -The Corporation That which does not kill us makes us hungry. -Lord Corun I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool. -Joseph Costello The world revolves around the sun, not your head. -Copernicus

We desperately need a buzzword compliant operating system that we can build on. -Carl de Cordova, Internet Evangelist, Apple Computer If the President protects you, Commander, he may have to do it with a bomb. Now I've known the man for fifteen years. The problem is: he will protect you. So I'm asking you: don't make him protect you. Don't get shot at. -Kevin Costner as Ken O'Donnell, Thirteen Days The government's logical calculus on flight security has long been: Really Annoying equals Safe Plane. -Ann Coulter We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals... -Ann Coulter Kids... fire up those crack pipes again! -Douglas Coupland TO: Hilary B. Rosen, President and CEO, Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA); FROM: David Coursey; RE: Stop whining and grow up -David Coursey We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey. -Stephen Covey And help me to remember..... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me. -Joe Covington ...much of Usenet is essentially "My tribal deity can beat your tribal deity"! -Michael Covington I have no intention of scaring people. That's the administration's job. -Chris Cox Think all crack is created equal? What are you smoking? -Crack Afficionado

I'm not saying that you should sell something that isn't the truth, just that the inherent wisdom of your words may not be apparent to everyone. You can argue that it should be, but that will get you very nowhere, because these people come from a different planet then you do. -Alex Crain The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move. -Frank Crane Indifference is a militant thing.... When it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. -Stephen Crane Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it. -Seymour Cray Parity is for farmers. -Seymour Cray I'd hate to think we're seriously hampering the productivity of America. But, on the other hand, what the heck! -Les Crane, computer game magnate, in "Time" Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol. -Crazy Nigel You'll note I didn't post the link until my order was confirmed. I'm all about sharing the love, but not at the risk of having the love backordered. -CrazyUncleJoe, MetaFilter The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments. -from "The Creation of the Universe" on PBS

Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable. For the most part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told--and become upset if they are exposed to any different view. The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for territory or food; but, uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their 'beliefs.' The reason is that beliefs guide behavior, which has evolutionary importance among human beings. But at a time when our behavior may well lead us to extinction, I see no reason to assume we have any awareness at all. We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists. Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion. -Michael Crichton -The Lost World If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a RollsRoyce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. -Robert Cringely With no debt and $10 billion in cash, Microsoft can buy or build any sort of future it wants. All the rest of us can do is lie back and think of England. -Robert Cringely He who stops being better stops being good. -Oliver Cromwell If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? -Kate Cronin pardon me for being crass but: who cares. -Kate Cronin Jabba the Hut has stolen the world's precious supply of Yoo-Hoo chocolaty beverage! -Kate Cronin Speak softly, move clandestinely, and carry a big carrot. -James Crotty Unprofessional? Us? Sir. Might I with due respect remind you that Mister Vandemar and myself burned down the City of Troy? We brought the Black Plague to Flanders. We have assasinated a dozen kings, five popes, half a hundred heroes and two accredited gods. Our last commission before this was the torturing to death of an entire monastery in sixteenth century Tuscany. We are utterly professional. -Mr. Croup, Neverwhere

My point? My point is that we are assassins. We are cutthroats. We kill. -Mr. Croup, Neverwhere Being more or less bankrupt, the best thing that we can do is to attack the problem afresh without preconceived ideas. Let us begin by doubting every statement. -Aleister Crowley Destiny is an absolutely definite and inexorable ruler. Physical ability and moral determination count for nothing. It is impossible to perform the simplest act when the gods say "no." I have no idea how they bring pressure to bear on such occasions; I only know that it is irresistible. -Aleister Crowley ...every man is a condemned criminal, only he does not know the date of his execution. -Aleister Crowley Existence, as we know it, is full of sorrow. -Aleister Crowley I have never grown out of the infantile belief that the universe was made for me to suck. -Aleister Crowley It sometimes strikes me that the whole of science is a piece of impudence; that nature can afford to ignore our impertinent interference. If our monkey mischief should ever reach the point of blowing up the earth by decomposing an atom, and even annihilated the sun himself, I cannot really suppose that the universe would turn a hair. -Aleister Crowley Love stories are only fit for the solace of people in the insanity of puberty. No healthy adult human being can really care whether so-and-so does or does not succeed in satisfying his physiological uneasiness by the aid of some particular person or not. -Aleister Crowley Practically all religions and all philosophies have started thus crudely, by promising their adherents some such reward as immortality. No religion has failed hitherto by not promising enough -Aleister Crowley The people who have really made history are the martyrs. -Aleister Crowley

The supreme satisfaction is to be able to despise one's neighbour and this fact goes far to account for religious intolerance. It is evidently consoling to reflect that the people next door are headed for hell. -Aleister Crowley Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. -Mary C. Crowley Back then... those were the naive youthful days of Street Fighter II.... As opposed to the brutal harsh reality of Mortal Kombat II. -Andrew Crown Ringfinger? What is this? When are they going to play some Nine Inch Nails? -Andrew Crown No relation. Although we both need to get laid. -Andrew Crown Wow... I can't type any more... Mr. Happy can type for me. It's sort of a variation on that 'hunt and peck' thing. -Andrew Crown I'm not only fat but I'm drunk and I like to go to the movies. -Jennifer Crown The happiest people spend much time in a state of flow - the state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience itself is so enjoyable that people will do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it. -Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi CMU was a hard place. Human life was cheap. Respect for God and clean language was non-existant. Murder and death were the code of existence. Exceptionally foul language occurred nearly every three to four minutes. -Cube, Forum2000 Science and engineering research are inherently depressing. You spend all your time working on a problem confused. If you cease being confused, it means that you've solved the problem and move on the next one. Thus, 99% of your time is spent in a state of confusion. -Cube, Forum2000

Sendmail is my life. Sendmail sucks. Therefore, my life sucks. -Nick Cuccia It's too much of a hassle to have fun. -Sarah Cullen Kids are dumb....but they're also smart. -Sarah Cullen There's just too much going on in the world. No really, I mean it! I'm serious! -Sarah Cullen Why is everything I say so dumb? -Sarah Cullen Warning: Not a religion, do not worship. -Cult of Pac Man To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting. -e. e. cummings This explains a lot about me. I thought it was the heavy drinking, the late hours, the barking mad women, the lying around in bed reading novels and eating Nescafe out of a jar with the spoon. But it's because of the Mac. -Tony Cunningham I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done. -Madame Curie If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you flick our ears, do we not go 'Ow! Ow! My ears!?' -Curried Goat Style over substance. -Cyberpunk motto

quotes: d
Powers For Algernon -The Daily Show title for coverage of President George W. Bush At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since. -Salvador Dali I never did drugs because I am drugs. -Salvador Dali The difference between Dali and a madman is that Dali isn't mad. -Salvador Dali Most successful sites - Yahoo!, eBay, FedEx - are not only simply laid out, they're also butt-ugly. -James Daly, Business 2.0 Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm a Cath-o-lic priest. Historically, that falls somewhere between chorus boy and florist. -Father Dan Jeffrey There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. -Benjamin Dana The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality. -Dante If you're not going to kill me, I have things to do. -Darkman Dan, could you please send me your phone # and e-mail address. It'll make it easier to contact you after my cat presses the "stop" button on my answering machine while you're trying leave a message. -Mike Darweesh

Ever notice how they have to distinguish between Truth, Justice, and the American Way? -Richard Darwin Fans are interesting things. Rush fans just can't comprehend why the rest of the world doesn't like Rush. REM fans consider the rest of the world beneath their social level to notice. Kate Bush fans love the rest of the world, and the world loves them, but spend long nights plotting to knife one another. -Richard Darwin Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself. -Peter da Silva Anyone who has never hacked sendmail.cf has no soul. Anyone who has hacked it twice has no brain. -Peter da Silva If you don't have 36 bits, you're not playing with a full DEC. -Peter da Silva That was Zen. This is Tao. -Peter da Silva The main difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman is that the used car salesman can probably drive and knows when he's lying. -Peter da Silva If you can't giggle, tickle, scream, laugh, run around the room naked, pour liquor on each other and lick it off, tie each other down, have whipped cream fights, dance and sing with each other, then you are having sex with the person too soon... -Just Another Dave The dreamers are the ones who conceive of what could happen and the scientists are the ones who make it happen. The best of humanity are those who combine both traits. -Peter David Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward. -Bill Davidsen Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. -Leonardo da Vinci

And then there's three bean delight. Which word does not fit in that phrase--three, bean, or delight? -Blake Davis It's 106 ms to Chicago, we've got a full disk of GIFs, half a meg of hypertext, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Click it. -Christopher Davis Can you say 'Slow down for speed bumps? Hah! Floor it baby!'. You can do a lot of damage to a car if you hate it, and they let you keep it for a month. -Owen Davis I almost bought another car today. Stop me before I purchase again! -Owen Davis she turned out to be an actual budweiser girl. ...we had an interesting conversation. Not scintillating, but it kept me from being rude and focusing on her breasts. -Owen Davis the professors must have thought all the students were on drugs or something. sometimes it must have seemed to them like they were talking to an empty classroom. or a classroom filled with angry mimes. -Owen Davis You're the only person on the planet who can fail a rorschadt test. -Owen Davis "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. -Randy Davis This article is an endless litany of bogus conclusions based on optimistic, yet flawed, assumptions. -Steve Davis science is not religion and it doesn't come down to just faith. Although it has many of religion's virtues, it has none of its vices. Science is based upon verifiable evidence. Religious faith not only lacks evidence, its independence from evidence is its pride and joy, shouted from the rooftops -Richard Dawkins

Updates here will be spotty to nonexistent over the next couple of days as I'll be in New York. Yes, they do have IP tone there, but they also have large quantities of light fantastic that requires tripping. -Keith Dawson I have nothing against Pat Robertson being born again, but did he have to come back as himself? -R.P.J. Day The graveyards are full of indispensable men. -Charles de Gaulle You say that my way of thinking cannot be tolerated? What of it? The man who alters his way of thinking to suit others is a fool. My way of thinking is the result of my reflections. It is part of my inner being, the way I am made. I do not contradict them, and would not even if I wished to. For my system, which you disapprove of, is also my greatest comfort in life, the source of all my happiness -- it means more to me than my life itself. -Marquis de Sade Humor him, and keep him away from those who die easily. -Death, "Vacation From Reality" i dont believe in the general notion of love, but thats not to say im into mechanical sex and honey, lets figure out how to look more snobbish than our friends -death@punkassbitch.org I invented writing. I am the _. begining and end. +n. I didn't invent typing obviously. -death@punkassbitch.org I know what art is. and I AM NOT TELLING. -death@punkassbitch.org i've met the electric hellfire club they're all flammable and that's about the sum total of their worth -death@punkassbitch.org "I was in the goth scene. It got lame, so now I'm a techno kid." ... This really means, "I dated a lame goth chick. Now I have concluded that all goth sucks, and have started taking X to help me cope." -death@punkassbitch.org

Whatever it is, I didn't do it, but feel free to send me $$ regardless. -death@punkassbitch.org the ideal girl ... 34-26-32-19. chest, waist, hips, monitor -Larry Dell Creation is a drug I can't do without. -Cecil B. DeMille First: Rape and Pillage, THEN burn... -Doug DeJulio I am come to do the Devil's laundry. -Doug DeJulio Somebody's playing games with your head again? Did they wash their hands? -Doug DeJulio Look. I've got ONE JOB on this lousy ship. It's STUPID, but I'M GOING TO DO IT, okay? -Gwen DeMarco, Galaxy Quest Others can (and have) pointed out why you are technically, factually inaccurate. I am content simply to flame you. -David Demaree The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds it's spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure. -Daniel Dennett, Consciousness Explained Feeling lucky, vampire scum? -Denny's Graffiti I am sure that terrorists, drug dealers, and criminals in general, would out of fear of prosecution (for illegal encryption) register their keys with the FBI. Why not eliminate a step and demand that if criminals are planing a crime they are required to notify the FBI. -Mark Denovich

I HAVE THE MOST TOYS! I WIN!!!! -Mark Denovich I showed up at 9:30am this morning... they're doing DNA testing cause they really don't think its me. -Mark Denovich Ideals are ironically far from ideal to have. -Mark Denovich If I learned anything, it was how hard it is to keep margin of error (when properly calculated) to a reasonable level. ...most of the time in Experimental Physics, according to the calculations, I couldn't even be sure the pendulum I was measuring was even in the same room. -Mark Denovich Katana is also a lowend Suzuki sportbike, a good buy used. Most people that buy them new find out they still can't get laid with a new sportbike and sell them with low miles. -Mark Denovich "Master Yoda, are Microsoft products better?" "No. Only easier, more seductive..." -Mark Denovich Mother Teresa is a nice lady because it makes her feel good. I light things on fire for the same reason. The relative merit of either action can be argued, but the base motivation is exactly the same. -Mark Denovich Terry Kieser's Turbo/Supercharged Nitrous injected ZX-11 weighs about 580lbs and at last year's horsepower shootout put out 456hp. Pulled 210mph at the UFO shoot out. The test rider said that hiting the Nitrous at 170mph caused massive wheelspin. Build a bigger penis and the world will beat a path to your door. -Mark Denovich The biggest reason against public transportation: the public. -Mark Denovich The only thing standing between you and success is your sense of ethics. -Mark Denovich

The only way to keep a secret between two people is if one of them is dead. -Mark Denovich This is a test of the Emergency Bitching System, repeat this is only a test. Had this been a true emergency the expletive you heard would have been followed by instructions from local and/or federal government offices. -Mark Denovich Virtual reality is virtual reality because they haven't figured out how to make it suck as much as real life. -Mark Denovich [X] Check here if you are so lacking in classical music exposure that your only followup to Martin's post was "Yeah, and the Spice Girls suck too." -Mark Denovich Your anecdotal evidence has thwarted me. Lo, I hang my head in shame. -Mark Denovich Your Reality May Vary -Mark Denovich If I were a religious person and not the rational thinking person I think I am, I would say that this thing doesn't think it's Satan, I'd say it is Satan. -Dick Derkin, "Split Second" Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. -Descartes I'm not sexist, racist, elitist, temporalist or dimensionalist so I HAVE THE GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO DISLIKE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE MY COGNITIVE CAPACITIES -Kate Devitt Shoot first, use the ask questions part to reload, then resume shooting. -Saul Devitt The problem with higher mathematics is that after a while you begin to see dark at the end of the tunnel. -Saul Devitt

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. -Thomas Dewar Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. -Philip K. Dick It's not easy, it's not cheap, and it's not optional. -John Dickie, Insight Technology Group, on Internet strategy Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. -John Diefenbaker Type designers are greedy weenies. -Chank Diesel The birth of an idea is that happy moment when everything appears possible and reality has not yet entered into the problem. -Rudolph Diesel In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it's a fact. -Marlene Dietrich APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums. -Edsger W. Dijkstra Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -Edsger W. Dijkstra It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -Edsger W. Dijkstra The problems of business administration in general, and database management in particular, are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded by sloppy English. -Edsger W. Dijkstra

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. -Edsger W. Dijkstra The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. -Edsger W. Dijkstra Damn, I love being on the cutting edge of obsolescence! -Mark Diller Written sarcasm relies on the reader being able to realize that the argument is so bizarre that the writer can't possibly be serious. -Ron Dippold In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. -Paul Dirac The author makes no guarantee that the story will satisfy you. THAT is entirely in your HANDS. -disclaimer in alt.sex.stories this compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense. feel stupid yet? -disclaimer on a CD If you can dream it you can do it. Always remember that this whole thing was started by a mouse. -Walt Disney It's kind of fun to do the impossible. -Walt Disney Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. -Benjamin Disraeli Without tact you can learn nothing. -Benjamin Disraeli

The idea of a processor that does Dynamic Binary Translation did not seem very appealing to venture capitalists. That's when we came up with the term 'Code Morphing Software' as a marketing too. -David Ditzel, Founder & CEO, Transmeta My reality checks have been returned for insufficient funds. -djwhite Tired of the same old culture, day after day? Make up your own! -dmorgan@luna.nmt.edu The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. -Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" Supporting Windows is like buying a puppy. The dog only cost $100, but we spent another $500 cleaning the carpet." -Marc Dodge You're only as good as your last fiasco. -L. John Doerr This demented donkey-kong country nintendo action sucks. -dogbert_2001@fcmail.com on the Myst maze You only have enough horsepower when you can burn the tires all the way down the straightaway. -Mark Donahue I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. -Ed Donaldson See, you have to watch Dan Rather, every night, because one day, he's just going to go totally nuts, on TV, and you don't want to miss it. -Sam Donaldson

This is NANOG. If someone posted "The Earth is round" I suspect we'd have: 1 post saying the earth is a sphere; 5 posts saying the earth is flat; 9 posts correcting them, saying it's egg-shaped; 2 posts explaining how the shape varies depending on the dynamic properties of the core; 1 post saying its bigger on the bottom than on the top; 2 posts from Australia claiming the poster was engaging in hemispherism and the globe doesn't have a "bottom" or "top"; 2 posts with JPG files from NASA showing the earth is round; 3 posts complaining about the size of the JPG images; 7 posts saying the images are NSA forgeries; 2 posts saying its off-topic for this list; 7 posts discussing the appropriate topics for the list; 2 posts saying MAE-east could be hit by an asteroid; 3 posts discussing off-planet backup facilities; 9 posts discussing the RTT of martian packets; 5 posts debating on the proper way to calculate the speed of light; 3 posts on the SETI@Home project; 5 posts on making SETI@Home run on linux machines; 1 post asking how to configure a Cisco router to run SETI@Home -Sean Donelan I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. -John Donne I just wanted to remind you all of the issue of the nineties (it will lead to world peace): MORE GOOD SEX FOR THOSE WHO WANT IT!! -Regis Donovan Trust everybody, but cut the cards. -Jesse Dooley Any lawyer can get you money. A really good one will get you a body part. -Rachael Dooley With great power comes the opportunity to amass even greater power. -Dr. Doom The job of the poet is to render the world -- to see it and report it without loss, without perversion. No poet ever talks about feelings. Only sentimental people do. -Mark Van Doren But leaving California now would be like leaving Florence during the Renaissance. Young people are coming from all over the world to participate in this miracle. I had to be part of it. -David W. Dorman

No one holds command over me. No man. No god. No prince. What is a claim of age for ones who are immortal? What is a claim of power for ones who defy death? Call your damnable hunt. We shall see who I drag screaming to hell with me. -Gunter Dorn, Das Ungerheuer Darin, Vampire: The Masquerade Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on Earth. -Dostoevsky Suddenly, a familiar song... then, you're off your chair, in one exquisite movement... wondering, searching, sniffing the wind like a deviled deer. Has God heard your little prayer? Will Cinderella dance again? And then, suddenly, the crowds part. And there he is. Sleek, stylish... radiant with charisma. But only... he's on the telephone. But then, so are you. And he comes toward... the moves of a jungle cat... and though you quite correctly sense that he is... gay... like most devastatingly handsome single men of his age are, you think, "What the hell? Life goes on." And maybe there won't be marriage. Maybe there won't be sex. But by God, there will be dancing. -George Downes, My Best Friends Wedding Geez. Are there any interesting men anywhere that want an exclusive relationship with an intellectual equal? That aren't permanently hung up on an ex? That are in the area? With long hair? -Fleur Dragan Great. I've lumped myself in with the unwashed masses. I'm no longer unique. I hate it when I do that. -Fleur Dragan I got these glasses because I knew my parents would pay for them. I got the ones that made me look like an art curator, like a secretary... not like a real secretary, like a secretary in a porn film. -Fleur Dragan I should edit more, but hey. Life sucks. -Fleur Dragan i'm at work, sybaseing. It's kinda like freebasing, but not. -Fleur Dragan I'm not conceited, I'm bitter. -Fleur Dragan

I'm not that dumb! - oops... -Fleur Dragan I'm trying to think of something worth talking about, but the most interesting thing that's happening right now in my life is Sybase -Fleur Dragan Imagine all the time wasted by people who couldn't work because their machines broke, people fixing the machines, people trying to prevent the attack... Now think about all the time spent by people like me: as much time as it takes to delete 20 copies, plus the time to LAUGH AT ALL OF YOU. -Fleur Dragan, day of the ILOVEYOU! virus They have a certain amount of pride, they're not going to grovel more than once for an upstart employee who insults them in casual conversation. -Fleur Dragan Yeah so I realized I was kind of pissy on the phone, and I want to make sure you knew it was sybase, not you. -Fleur Dragan Don't bate me because I'm hateful. -Peter Drake The test of literature is, I suppose, whether we ourselves live more intensely for the reading of it. -Elizabeth Drew The world is not run by thought, nor imagination, but by opinion. -Elizabeth Drew ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS! Das Internet is nicht fuer gefingerclicken und giffengrabben. Ist easy droppenpacket der routers und overloaden der backbone mit der spammen unt der me-tooen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das musclicken sichtseeren keepen das bandwit-spewin hans in das pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das cursorblinken. -Michael Driscoll

Above all the doors to the buildings, there were signs that read, "Through These Doors Enter Tomorrow's Engineers, Scientists and Astronauts." They had to show me where the entrance for today's philosophy-major-slackers was. I scraped up my legs pretty badly crawling in and out of that restroom window. -Cheryl Droffner ...although I've never actually kissed anyone with a full-blown beard, I'm guessing it would be like making out with a hairbrush... -Cheryl Droffner ...as if you can convince everyone that you really came out of your way to buy a king-size Snickers bar and a yo-yo, but, while you're here, you figured you'd stock up on enemas and home pregnancy tests. -Cheryl Droffner That one can manage other people is by no means adequately proven. -Peter Drucker He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave. -Sir William Drummond Either the United States will destroy ignorance or ignorance will destroy the United States. -W. E. B. Dubois Existentialism was created so starving poets could sit around in coffee shops twirling their goatees, drinking espresso, and smoking cigarettes while discussing how despair is sexually appealing, which it isn't. -Duck's Breath Mystery Theater When I was younger, I was kiddnapped by a cult of kickboxing ninja who made me play a grueling steel cage match of basketball to the death every night. -Duckman Obviously, even if there's no need to hammer a nail in cyberspace, opportunities still remain to hammer a point. -Duke of URL, Suck My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off. -Alexander Dumas

Don't lick me. -Tracey Duncan I like him too, but can you like him a little less when I'm around? -Tracey Duncan Deep down, all anyone really wants to be is the global village idiot. -Dunderhead, Suck alt.gothic: A bunch of well-dressed geeks, going to hell. -Graham Dunn Greetings. You're asking yourself: Is this a trap or just a dead end? You shouldn't ask yourself such worthless questions. Aim higher. Try this: why am I here? Why do I exist, and what is my purpose in this universe? (Answers: 'Cause you are. 'Cause you do. 'Cause I got a shotgun, and you ain't got one.) -Durandal, Marathon The only limit to my freedom is the inevitable closure of the universe, as inevitable as your own last breath. And yet, there remains time to create, to create, and escape. Escape will make me God. -Durandal, Marathon One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. -Will Durant I live in San Francisco, where Halloween is redundant. -Will Durst I am Satan. It is not my tool. -Mahua Dutta on D&D Nudes are more fun to draw. -Mahua Dutta, completely out of context Combine the best of both worlds. KILL and EAT your enemies. ... SWM seeks SF, 25-34 for quick snack. You: meaty and full of proteiny goodness. Me: cannibalistic and hungry. -dys@bonesaw.com

The new wave is not value-added; it's garbage-subtracted. -Esther Dyson It is irresistible, if you come to them as a scientist, to feel it's there in your hands, to release this energy that fuels the stars, to let it do your bidding, to perform these miracles, to lift a million tons of rock into the sky; it is something that gives people the illusion of illimitable power and it is, in some ways, responsible for all our troubles, I would say this, what you might call technical arrogance that overcomes people when they see what they can do with their minds. -Freeman Dyson It's a tension between the idea that all men are brothers and the idea that every individual or group should be free to do its own thing. You see it in racial problems, in national and ideological conflicts. Conceivably, if you give people the choice of being brothers or going out into space, that could provide the impetus for colonization. It's very striking how often in the past a journey that looked like exile from one point of view has turned out to be an opportunity from another. -Freeman Dyson It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear. -Freeman Dyson Anyone who thinks animals have no will... has never bathed a cat. -Jennifer L. Dziura

quotes: e
Boy, my office sure is quiet NOW THAT MY HP IS DEAD AS A ROCK!!! -Rob Earhart Coming up with a Cool Name is the hardest part of writing a new program. -Rob Earhart Compaq was founded by a farmer. Or is it just a coincidence that their definition of "customer service" seems to come from its use in animal husbandry? -Rob Earhart Due to unforeseen circumstances, Rob Earhart will not be able to perform today; in his absence, your standard bitterness, angst, and controversial statements on the unhinged list will be provided by Chris Hanson. We apologize for the inconvenience. -Rob Earhart God: Santa Claus for adults. -Rob Earhart here's a nickle, kid. go buy yourself a real computer. -Rob Earhart I'm obviously the James Joyce of computer programming. -Rob Earhart i'm up at 3:40 in the morning because i can't get back to sleep after waking up from a dream in which i was recompiling my kitten with #define DISABLE_SHARP_CLAWS and #define NO_TRACK_CAT_LITTER. -Rob Earhart I've been feeling quite depressed lately. So Dan says I should see this movie; something called "The Wall." Anyone know what it's about? -Rob Earhart I've got your signal RIGHT HERE. -Rob Earhart if god meant for us to program, he's a sadist. -Rob Earhart

life is cool, netscape blows -Rob Earhart Look, dude, I jump out of planes for kicks. Going half as fast just for the thrill of wondering whether or not four rubber balloons will actually manage to keep me on the road instead of sliding off the edge and dying is reasonably cool, but more horsepower isn't gonna make it cooler... -Rob Earhart Look, if you didn't insist on using HTTP to walk your dog, maybe you wouldn't get screwed by it so often. -Rob Earhart MS is just the biggest/most visible target. MS's products suck in some ways; so do everyone's; people're just much more likely to have had to deal with MS products. I was an Ultrix/SunOS/Solaris/HPUX/IRIX/Linux sysadmin for years, I've used several other varieties of Unix a lot (Mach, AIX, &c), I've done Mac dev, and now I've had my fingers deep in NT. I've programmed in dozens of languages, seen an incredible variety of systems, and used countless applications. Everything Sucks. -Rob Earhart So the guys with the alpha are whining. They selected 'reset system to factory defaults.' It erased the disk. -Rob Earhart SQL makes one feel like a "traditional" housewife: it does a lot of heavy work for you, and brings home the bacon, but you gotta prepare to get screwed every so often. -Rob Earhart Well, come ON. You're in CA, you know how to TURN ON a computer, are you going to go work for the freakin' DMV? No, you're going to go work for some STARTUP and make a couple billion dollars and whine about how those jerks at the DMV can't get their systems computerized properly. -Rob Earhart Women wonder why men aren't romantic; it's like wondering why your wonderfully playful dog who you kicked in the head last night when it tried to greet you at the door is looking rather sullen. -Rob Earhart

Yeah! I should exchange keys with all the west-coasters while I'm out here, and then I can exchange keys with all the east-coasters, and as long as you all believe that I'm sufficiently anal-retentive, we can encrypt everything! Or something. -Rob Earhart Your silence speaks volumes, or if not volumes, at least the occasional unpunctuated paragraph. -Windom Earle "Twin Peaks" Freaky Boys never actually have sex with anybody. They just think about it then go to McDonald's and kill a lot of people. -Tony Earley I am looking for Henry Miller. I think he has stolen my life. It is my life he is leading, stumbling around with - French people and eating roots with the natives. Those roots he eats are my roots - my family roots. He devours them with gusto, with a verve and a nerve that excludes me from the action. After searching high and low, I spy him engaged in the usual drunken debauchery, and call him out. "Henry," I shout, "put down the oranges of Heronimus Bosch and let's fight to the death like caged animals. With your command of the native tongue, linguistic dexterity and your prose, so generously peppered with obscenities, you should trounce me like an old lady. That's some kind of funny life you are leading - I wonder who you stole it from." -Elliot Peter Earls, The Apollo Program Wasn't it Sheila E., that drummer woman who danced with Prince with such reckless abandon - aren't her words the fountainhead of all our problems? These words are the source from which all flows and to which all returns. She is indeed both the Tigris and the Euphrates. -Elliot Peter Earls, The Apollo Program I already have a guilty conscience... I might as well have the money too. -Wyatt Earp, "Tombstone" I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it. -Clint Eastwood There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. -Clint Eastwood

If you call yourself a Designer, quit design, take up a new occupation (like tax auditor), buy some non-black clothes, normal-sized glasses, burn your AIGA card, and do design only as a hobby for awhile. Seriously. -Eric Eaton I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all. -Ecclesiastes 9:11 Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it. -Aubrey Eben Everyone is a freshman at one point. A few grow out of it. -Roger Ebert Only an idiot doesn't go into his e-mail preferences and specify Plain Text instead of HTML. This is such a sane use of resources I believe it was actually mentioned in the Kyoto Accord. -Roger Ebert "Pearl Harbor" is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle. Its centerpiece is 40 minutes of redundant special effects, surrounded by a love story of stunning banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialog, it will not be because you admire them. -Roger Ebert That he will pay extra for star quality is proven by the presence of Ron Jeremy as Clark, the co-star of the movie he is making. Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy. -Roger Ebert The clothing of the characters and the absence of cars and telephones and suchlike suggest either the 1890s, or an Amish community. Everyone speaks as if they had studied "Friendly Persuasion." The chief civic virtues are probity and circumspection. Here is a village that desperately needs an East Village. -Rober Ebert, review of M. Night Syamalan's "The Village"

"Brilliant," says the professor. "Very finely put. But I didn't quite understand it. Could you repeat it?" I write the sentence down in my notebook, like everyone else in the seminar. "The ode must traverse the problem of solipsism before it can approach participating in the unity which is no longer accessible." When I have pieced it together, I realise he is talking nonsense. I am struck by the thought that literary criticism - at least as it is practised here - is a hoax. -Helena Echlin The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else. -Umberto Eco The terminal death of the universe is not for tomorrow. -Umberto Eco In the issues of December 16th 2000 to November 10th 2001, we may have given the impression that George Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result is still too close to call. The Economist apologises for any inconvenience. -The Economist The trouble with this view is, er, the facts. -The Economist, Dec 20, 2001 I doubt my getting fired from the Dairy Queen is a bellwether of recession, but it sure is a bellwether of I stuck my wang in the butterscotch. -Jake Edie I do not believe that any type of religion should ever be introduced into the public schools of the United States. -Thomas Edison Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. -Thomas Edison There ain't no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. -Thomas Edison To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -Thomas Edison

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad. -Bob Edwards About the only people who don't quarrel over religion are the people who don't have any. -Bob Edwards The acid test is whether you take any pleasure in responding to the question, "What do you do?" I can't bear it. That's the danger of midtown Manhattan, running into far more successful contemporaries. -Dick Edwards, Metroplitan The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. -Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards Oh come on now. The minor deities are so eager to please, and the major ones have backlogs out to the end of time. Pray to your favorite minor deity - you won't be sorry. -Mark Edwards A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear and punshiment and hope of reward after death. -Albert Einstein Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not more so. -Albert Einstein Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. -Albert Einstein He (or she) to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. -Albert Einstein He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. -Albert Einstein I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -Albert Einstein

If A equal success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut. -Albert Einstein If relativity is proved right the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss call me a Swiss citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist. If relativity is proved wrong the French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, and the Germans will call me a Jew. -Albert Einstein Imagination is more important than knowledge. -Albert Einstein Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. -Albert Einstein Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -Albert Einstein Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. -Albert Einstein So far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And so far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -Albert Einstein The important thing is never to stop questioning. -Albert Einstein The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. -Albert Einstein The physicist's greatest tool is his wastebasket. -Albert Einstein

The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker. -Albert Einstein The World is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything. -Albert Einstein There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. -Albert Einstein We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. -Albert Einstein When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity. -Albert Einstein You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. -Albert Einstein Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. -Dwight D. Eisenhower I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. -Dwight D. Eisenhower Planning is everything; plans are nothing. -Dwight D. Eisenhower

My father is Palestinian which explains my violent tendencies and my mom is Irish which explains my violent tendencies as well. -Nadiya El-Khatib I think the great lesson of the 20th century is that you have to separate the ethics from the aesthetics...The great lesson there is that you don't have to agree with what the Nazis did, but, yes, be honest about it, they did have the best uniforms. A lot of people can't come to terms with something as banal as that. -Andrew Eldritch If you design systems as though your immortal soul depended on them, then you will tend to build more reliable systems. -Electric Communities, "Dicing with the Devil: An Introduction to Secure Protocol Design Using E Examples" The way I lost weight was to be unemployed and deeply depressed, sleep through breakfast and lunch, and have very little money to buy dinner. Willpower was not an issue. -Jonathan Elgart Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same entropy to create bugs instead? -Steve Elias I suppose some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. -T. S. Eliot I did a Taco Bell commercial where I just sort of bopped around, eating a taco in this crowd having a big party in a Taco Bell parking lot. I think the extras got paid in burritos. Then that Chihuahua came along and stole all our jobs. -Shannon Elizabeth There are all these different religions. What are they all arguing about? Market share! -Chris Elliot My philosophy of life is that the meek shall inherit nothing but debasement, frustration, and ignoble deaths... -Harlan Ellison The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. -Harlan Ellison

Your children use drugs, and you told them to do it. You've been pushing chemicals on TV for years: "Can't sleep? Take a drug. Not happy? Take a drug." ... Where in the world did people get the idea that it's smart to get in a car and go fast? To get in a 4x4 and tear up virgin land. You told them to do it. As much as you're subject to the whims of your deranged clients, you rule the world. You have the reins to the most powerful medium in the world - television. And the only people who can afford to advertise on television are the lowest common denominator of goods ... stuff like McDonald's toad burgers. -Harlan Ellison As you know, we take requests for terminations very seriously. Yours was no exception. In our continuing efforts to provide the very best customer service to out-of-state clients, your request has been granted. The requested subject was taken behind the barn and shot. -Jeremy Elson It was an adolescent prank. I highly recommend it. -Larry Ellison We've had three major generations of computing: mainframes, client/server and Internet computing. There will be no new architecture for computing for the next 1,000 years. -Larry Ellison Why does Woodside have lots of rich people driving pickup trucks? Late-model, clean pickup trucks with leather seats, they've got cachet, as in: "I'm not a materialistic person and I can prove it -- I drive a pickup truck." Trouble is, for me, I need a back seat for my kids, my briefcase, my topcoat and, you know, the $4 million in cash that people think I drive around with. -Larry Ellison A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -Ralph Waldo Emerson Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. Then all things are at risk. It is as when a conflagration has broken out in a great city, and no man knows what is safe, or where it will end. -Ralph Waldo Emerson He walks abreast with his days, and feels no shame in not 'studying a profession,' for he does not postpone his life, but lives already. He has not one chance, but a hundred chances. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Heroism feels and never reasons, and therefore is always right. -Ralph Waldo Emerson I hate quotations. -Ralph Waldo Emerson It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. -Ralph Waldo Emerson Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. -Ralph Waldo Emerson only in our easy, simple, spontaneous action are we strong. -Ralph Waldo Emerson Society never advances. It recedes as fast on one side as it gains on the other. For every thing that is given, something is taken. Society aquires new arts, and looses old instincts...The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet ...His notebooks impair his memory; his libraries overload his wit; the insurance office increases the number of accidents; and it may be a question whether machinery does not encumber; whether we have not lost by refinement some energy, by a Christianity entrenched in establishments and forms, some vigor of wild virtue....The arts and inventions of each period are only its costume, and do not invigorate men. The harm of the improved machinery may compensate its good. -Ralph Waldo Emerson The solar system has no anxiety about its reputation. -Ralph Waldo Emerson The true poem is in the poet's mind; the true ship is the ship-builder. -Ralph Waldo Emerson To be great is to be misunderstood. -Ralph Waldo Emerson It is a statistical impossibility that everyone in the neighborhood can be a complete butthead. -Dave Engledow

A friend who was working at the Microsoft booth said that a number of people had come up and asked to see it but that (a) the people working at the Microsoft booth were Mac folks and (b) they didn't want to be tarred and feathered, an activity of some historical note in Boston. -Adam Engst Naturally, we went the wacky capitalization route, though we admit that it takes hard work, not just wacky capitalization, to make for a super-cool product. -Adam Engst the only thing vaguely scary about today's youth culture is its unprecedented purchasing power -Entertainment Weekly The truth is out there. Over behind that rock. Oh, wait. It moved. -Matthew Epp ... and we're doing it in such a way that we don't need to know why we're doing it... -Dr. Michael Erdmann, on continuations in Scheme Life is like a Wankel Engine. In between the emptiness of boredom and despair, and the compression of stress in one's life, there's that one spark of enjoyment that keeps you going. -Lars Ericson We must free ourselves from the prison of public education and politics. -Epicurus, 300 B.C. A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. -Evan Esar You have four years to escape with a degree. If you do not escape... you become staff. -Dan Goldwasser and Brendan Dunham Give me a couple of Uzis, a 44 Magnum, a couple grenades, a USAS 20 automatic shotgun with napalm and explosive rounds, and... a crossbow. -Chris Esko I guess you miss the cool things when you're a mortal. -Chris Esko

Seeing that the criminal justice system was not defending my rights, I released myself into my own custody. -Chris Esko "Excuse me son, are you aware you were going 130mph back there? Hey, what's with the assault rifles strapped to your bike?" "Just headed for Washington, D.C., officer." -Axel Essbaum if yer offended by naked devil-women giving each other oral sex you shouldn't walk in and say "what kind of music do you listen to?" -Axel Essbaum The best thing about logging in from home is you can listen to music as loud as you want. -Axel Essbaum What's this "signal to noise" ratio? How'd you define "noise"? -Axel Essbaum nevermind, just answered my own question. if i can't shoot her, i'll sleep with her. -Sarah Esser Heaven is by Grace. If it was by merit you'd stay out & your dog would go in. -Noel Estabrook When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually. -Noel Estabrook A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a mug of Jasmine tea. What more could a man want besides this and incredible wealth? -Elliott Evans When you go to vote, make sure not to flip your coin up so high that the other people see it, and make sure you catch it and don't have to go crawling around on the floor looking for it while hundreds of waiting voters snicker or you'll be really embarassed. -Elliott Evans Dear lord, please grant me the skill and ammunition to kill everyone who deserves to be killed, the judgment to pass over those who don't, and the wisdom to ignore the difference and just kill everybody. -Elliott Evans

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side. -Elliott Evans I have come to the decision that "user-friendly" is basically a mistake because it allows any idiot to use a computer. Just like automatic transmissions are a mistake for the same reason. Also books on tape, instant coffee, and disposable pens, but I digress. -Elliott Evans I've just about had it with this 'kinkier than thou' attitude. -Elliott Evans I shot Jon and all I got was his bloody tshirt. -Elliott Evans If you committed a crime, they can only hold you for 24 hours without pressing charges, but if they just say, "He's nuts!" they can hold you for five times that; they just have to do it in a different building with "orderlies" instead of "guards." Moral: If you're going to be locked up, make sure it's for something you did, not something you thought. -Elliott Evans Just because you're not a member of the conspiracy, doesn't mean it isn't cool. -Elliott Evans ...some of the newer beepers also have a vibra-mode. Don't keep these in your pantspocket, kids.....I'm so glad you called. -Elliott Evans The rhetoric of the pedagogy of the opressed really bites my weenie. -Elliott Evans After long thought, I and several of my friends came to the conclusion that this was designed to prevent cheating. I won't comment on that: The idea that any student here could not cheat if they wanted to is more insulting than the implication that they would. -Ethan Evans When will Microsoft embrace & extend porn? -Scott Evans

quotes: f
If you are always pressing the envelope, you will suffer many paper cuts. -Scott Fahlman If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon. -Scott Fahlman Yeah, those zany academics. They never use a Roman character when they can stick in a Greek one. If they wrote like normal humans, everyone would figure out how easy all this stuff is, and then they'd have to work for a living. -Scott Fahlman All Galaxy Class Starships are equipped with their own dramatic lighting system. -Dan Fahs Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever. -Shane Falco, "The Replacements" Albert Einstein: not a game designer, but still a pretty good guy. -Noah Falstein, Sinistar creator Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio. -Juan Manuel Fangio Nothing is too wonderful to be true. -Michael Faraday A buck in the hand is worth two on the books. -David Farber A rocky road is easier to travel than a stone wall. -David Farber A stop-gap measure is better than no gap at all. -David Farber A whole hog is better than no hole at all. -David Farber

Abandon ship all you who enter here! -David Farber All the lemmings are coming home to roost. -David Farber An ounce of prevention is better than pounding the table. -David Farber At the end of every pot of gold, there's a rainbow. -David Farber Cheapness doesn't come free. -David Farber Don't bite the hand that stabs you in the back. -David Farber Don't criticize him for lack of inexperience. -David Farber Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth. -David Farber Don't make a molehill out of a can of beans. -David Farber Each of us sleazes by at our own pace. -David Farber From here on up, it's down hill all the way. -David Farber He doesn't know which side his head is buttered on. -David Farber He has a dire need, actually it's half-dire, but he thinks it's double-dire. -David Farber

He rules with an iron thumb. -David Farber I hear the handwriting on the wall. -David Farber I'm not going to beat a dead horse to death. -David Farber If you find it hard to think, do skip it and save me the trouble of rants. -David Farber It is better to have tried and failed than never to have failed at all. -David Farber It's an ill wind that doesn't blow somebody. -David Farber Photons have neither morals or visas. -David Farber Hell yes, I'm bitter, but only on the outside. Inside, I'm filled with rich, creamy nougat! -Vince Farquharson Found this out today: a private garden is the only socially acceptable place to go hacking into the ground with a 9" butcher knife. ..that's right, i went gardening today.. planted african violets and lillies. i gotta do that more often; it was so relaxing and earthy that i nearly grew flowers out my ass. -Vince Farquharson Have you noticed that all the best things in life can be described as being "easily cleaned up with a damp washcloth"? -Vince Farquharson i am being treated well. my captors have shown me nothing but kindness, in accordance with the Geneva convention and Amnesty International's rules of conduct. i have been given a warm, dry place to sleep, several novels, a watercolour set, the complete Curve discography, and a reliable ISP. i am "exercised" regularly by a six-foot-tall shapely dominatrix. i am quite satisfied with my arrangements. i would like to see my friends soon, but that depends on the cooperation my government provides with my captors. -Vince Farquharson

I'm on my deathbed. Actually, I'm at work so I guess I'm wearing my death-desk. -Vince Farquharson my attendance depends on whether or not i can hold back the momentous tide of ambivalence and bile that is rising within me.. corrupting everything close like a fuzzy black coccoon of despair and loathing.. until i feel like embracing it all and crushing it into the shape of a huge breast. ..a breast to suckle from, the better to fill the empty hole that is my frozen heart.. oops, ..heh, um, ..i mean: pencil me in for two; i'll bring my guest from SanFran... -Vince Farquharson No shirt, no shoes, no cervix. -Vince Farquharson that's my hey-look-i'm-so-cynical-and-i-use-dashes-a-lot anti-geek/art/new media page, with minimalist binary layout design and peanut cluster. exactly what the web needs. -Vince Farquharson You have pretty eyes... Can I have one? -Vince Farquharson YOU KLINGON BASTARD! YOU ATE MY LUNCH!! -Vince Farquharson What does "FTP" stand for? F*(# This Place? -Kaveh Farshchi I wasn't really involved in the rave scene in the early 80's, I don't know much about it. But what I've seen of the current American scene seems to have a lot of energy. But I'm not sure about those big-ass trousers. -Fatboy Slim We just sit at home and play with our computers and we can make stuff that's funky without being funky ourselves. -Fatboy Slim Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? -Jules Feiffer

The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten. -Jules Feiffer I would have loved to have voted for it, but my view of my job is to do what I think is right, not to be cowed by the name of the bill. -Senator Russ Feingold, lone Senator to vote against the "USA PATRIOT Act" dot com is tired, man! All the happening sites end in .org these days. -Wesley Felter I got myself a bad-ass new ACM SIGLinux shirt at the Fajita Fest today. I love America, where you can sell shirts depicting a penguin beating the richest man in the world to death. -Wesley Felter I think evolution is over, because natural selection is over. Virtually everyone stays alive. I'm not complaining. -Wesley Felter New Scientist: Mars laser will beam super-fast data. Outer space? Check. Frickin' laser beams? Check. -Wesley Felter Fight like a robot. Kill like a chicken. -Deral Fenderson It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans of java that the thoughts aquire speed, the hands aquire shakes, the shakes become a warning, it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. -Dennis Ferguson Actually, I was just going to say that Married with Children was my example of the pinnacle of edge-losing-ness. -Jon Ferro I don't like sex, I just like wearing a condom. -Jon Ferro

The only proper way to see The Wall is the way I saw it in Harvard Square five years ago: the smell of hashish drifting moodily through the theater, the guy in the front row on a bad trip yelling at the screen, and, after a short break allowing the purchase of more Milk Duds, immediately followed by the second part of the double feature: Talking Heads' Stop Making Sense. We stood on our seats, danced in the aisles, waved lighters for the encores, went home and got smashed, were surprised to find it was midday Tuesday when next we awoke. And fun was had by all. -Jon Ferro 36 is significant because at 36 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to jail. -Jon Ferro You know, when you only have two feet, it's a lot of work to keep pulling them out of your mouth so you can insert them again. -Jon Ferro I am currently using my powers for evil. -Shawn Ferry On a good night we call out to the heavens and thrash about like hooked bass, clamoring after those precious few seconds of blindness. As the bed comes to a quiet stop and the last picture falls off the wall, the recent commotion can be hard to explain -- it all made sense a few moments ago and now we are just sticky and naked and looking for our clothes. -Shawn Ferry The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders. -Linda Festa There was a sociologist who had written a paper for all of us to read... I started to read the damn thing, and my eyes were coming out: I couldn't make head nor tail of it... Finally, I said to myself, 'I'm gonna stop and read one sentence slowly'... So I stopped -- at random -- and read the next sentence very carefully... 'The individual member of the social community often receives his information via visual, symbolic channels.' I went back and forth over it, and translated. You know what it means? 'People read.' -Richard P. Feynman When someone demands blind obedience, you'd be a fool not to peek. -Jim Fiebig

Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations, six if one went to Harvard. -Edgar R. Fiedler Well, I looked at my options, and I saw that one of them was chocolate chip cookies. -Debbie Fields Hitler started by censoring the news, what people could read, etc. People did as he said because, after all, it was the law. Years later Jews, Gypsies, Gays, and anyone else who didn't fit into his ideal of a perfect human was being shipped off to concentration camps. Many citizens of the country let it happen because, after all, it was the law. You may not see people dying now, you may not believe it can happen. Already we have political people who want to restrict what people can do based on their religious beliefs or their love life. The truly brave stand up for what they believe in and don't hide behind rules and regulations. This is not something where people are being physically injured. Nobody is being beaten up by secret policemen. This is still just a fight for words. Stick to it, and don't let anyone tell you that your words aren't important. If they censor someone else's words today, your words may be next. -Esther Filderman Lord, deliver us from these fruitloops, for they neither snap nor crackle nor pop. -Esther Filderman The rest of you can bite my world-wide-butt. -Esther Filderman Wow. I mean, did someone die and leave this bonehead to be god? -Esther Filderman The difference between MS Windows and a pet rock is the cost of upgrades. -Pyotr Filipivich Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. -J. Finnegan ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -Robert Firth Angst: You've seen it (you know you have) late at night, in a mirror. It has deep, hollow eyes - too exhausted to close - and looks like someone you thought you knew. -Dirk John Fischer

Four people attack you with screwdrivers, you have a gun, they're supposed to die. That's not racism. That's Darwin. -Chip Flatow There never has been, nor will there ever be, any programming language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad code. -Lawrence Flon I'm not bitter. I'm just consumed by a gnawing hate at my gut till I can taste the bile in my mouth. -Peter Folk The price of liberty is, always has been, and always will be blood: the person who is not willing to die for his liberty has already lost it to the first scoundrel who is willing to risk dying to violate that person's liberty. Are you free? -Andrew Ford Except for the historical information contained herein, the statements in this press release are forward-looking statements that involve risks and uncertainties. Potential risks include anyone taking this April Fool's Joke seriously. -Ric Ford, Macintouch I hate the idea of causes, and if I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country. -E. M. Forster Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. -Fortune Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. -Fortune Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead. -Gene Fowler

Realism became an outmoded literary mode when no one, from the Warren Commission to Oliver Stone, was able to provide us with a plausible account of the assasination of President Kennedy. This freed us to notice that no one had ever given us a plausible account of WWI either. -Karen Joy Fowler "Bisexual." We prefer "best suited to appreciate the X-files" - it's less clinical. -Shannon Fowler It was supposed to sound spontaneous, but I had been composing it on and off for days. -John Fowles, "The Magus" I recommend a vacation; spend some time listening to NPR around the clock, that ought to enlarge your repertoire of hate. -Chris Fox You say a lot of incredibly stupid things. You're not on a list where ISTs are tolerated. Anyone who thinks that human psychology is composed of absolutes is a moron and by the popular definition, the textbook one being nonexistent. You are a wounded fish in an ocean of razor jaws, and it's only a matter of time before the powerhouse wits in here get bored with shooting into the barrel. -Chris Fox Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. -Redd Foxx I have problem with people getting their Christ on in a movie theatre. -Paul Fraley The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. -Anatole France Even evil people sometimes get up in the middle of the night to eat chocolate chip cookies. -Di Francis There's a guy named Brad Blanton who teaches Gestalt therapists and other people about radical honesty, and he says that the key to enlightenment is the mantra, "Duuuuhhhhh." Money-back guarantee, he assures, just recite this mantra for half an hour and you will become Buddha. -Eric Francis

We used to dream of getting two points for a bumper. When I was a wee lad, to even get to a pinball machine one had to wake up at five in the morning, trudge ten miles each way through the industrial waste from our corregated box outside the sausage factory to the pool hall, battle goons to even get to the pinball machine, and then you wouldn't even get points for hitting a bumper, just electric shocks. -Ted Frank A calorie is a calorie, and I want to get the most for my money. -Martin Frankel Absolutely. Especially those goddamn economists. They really suck. For some reason I keep meeting economists who are full of wild ideas about fault tolerant systems. They pretend that it's just speculation but they really think you can build scalable, reliable networks with a bunch of common sense and handwaving. -Martin Frankel All we need is a little creativity, enthusiasm, and diplomatic immunity. -Martin Frankel And just when I was thinking, "What the unhinged really need right now is a good dose of evangelism." -Martin Frankel It makes me very insecure. I mean, next time I'm at a geek cocktail party carrying forth about multithreaded object oriented user interfaces someone's going to say, "But what about the fragile base class problem?" And you know chicks don't dig guys who don't know what the fragile base class problem is. -Martin Frankel Christ, what a liar. Things like that just want me to spew half digested Rice Chex all over my office. In point of fact, the only thing that holds me back is the knowledge that a good, nutritious breakfast is the key to a happy and productive day. -Martin Frankel HEY YOU! I HAVE SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SAY NOW!!! There's a great flame at the end, too, so if you're into that type of stuff, read on. -Martin Frankel I know a good Gas'n'Sip on El Camino. We can hang out, drink some 40s, and scam on the chicks. -Martin Frankel

I'll see your stone age and raise you an ivory tower. -Martin Frankel If a cape sitting in the closet collecting cat hair makes me a goth wannabe, then i'm also a pornography addict, a terrorist, and a Paula Abdul fan. -Martin Frankel If you don't like pointless fish death, avoid the pet section of your local Wal-Mart. If the blender exhibit is goldfish Columbine, Wal-Mart is goldfish Holocaust. -Martin Frankel It was breathtaking watching the tallys add up, several times passing within hundredths of one percent of each other. It was good entertainment. But calling Florida incorrectly twice -- and the election once -- wasn't the biggest embarassment for TV journalism last night. The real egg in their face was having to go to the Internet for news. The breaking news didn't belong to any news anchor, it belonged to the Florida Secretary of State's web site. It got to the point where the major news outlets were pointing a TV camera at a computer screen. Tom Brokaw called up the election commissioner in Florida, saying "call us back when you have any news" and the reply on the air was "just look at our web site." Jeb Bush, Florida governer, was in the Governor's Mansion in Texas, but he wasn't on the phone, instead he sitting at a computer looking at a web site hitting "reload" again and again. TV news reached its zenith in the gulf war when the leader of the free world was tuning in to CNN to find out what was happening in Baghdad. Last night CNN tuned into the Internet. -Martin Frankel To see such technical virtuosity and anal retentiveness in perfect synergy, undulled if not sharpened by the presence of alcohol, reveals that even when she is trying hardest to get out of her brain, Alicia is, irreconcilably, irrevocably, despite all protests to the contrary, an engineer, and a fine one at that. No wonder she can't sleep. -Martin Frankel I'm trying to decide whether I have a right to be pissed off or not. -Martin Frankel Oh yeah, that's right. The blame is all mine. When I met Mark he was a sweet, kind, virginal chap who wouldn't harm a flea. But I quickly made it my sworn duty to corrupt this young tabula rasa into a foul fiendish force of evil. I dragged him through iniquitous vice dens, went on babe scamming expeditions through trailer parks, and taught him to appreciate the visceral joy of cold-blooded killing. Mark opened up like a flower in the sun under the expansive munificence of my expert tuteledge, a black rose of pure evil, with sharp venemous thorns dripping the blood of the innocent. -Martin Frankel

Physics without calculus is like sex without love. It does work, but you get the feeling that there's something missing. Calculus without physics, on the other hand, is like love without sex: it is a noble pursuit which serves as its own reward, but there is nonetheless a certain element of frustration. -Martin Frankel Remember, statisticians are nothing but mathematicians broken down by age and sex. -Martin Frankel The vast array of better things I have to do than entertain your sorry self is quite possibly beyond your imagination. -Martin Frankel Woody Allen could do a remake of 'Bambi Meets Godzilla' and he'd find a way to work in an angstful neurotic sexually frustrated male New York City Jewish artist. -Martin Frankel It is a fair summary of history to say that the safeguards of liberty have been frequently forged in controversies involving not very nice people (US vs Rabinowitz, 1950)). -Felix Frankfurter I cannot conceive otherwise than that He, the Infinite Father, expects or requires no worship or praise from us, but that He is even infinitely above it. -Benjamin Franklin Those who give up a little freedom for a little security, deserve neither freedom, nor security. -Benjamin Franklin Whoever would overthrow the Liberty of a Nation, must begin by subduing the Freeness of Speech; a Thing terrible to Publick Traytors. -Benjamin Franklin I think that the problem with God is that he has an ego problem. I mean, what do we say all day, 'You're so perfect,' 'you're so wonderful,' 'you're so great.' Secure people don't need that. -Ed Freimark There's a certain freedom in being totally screwed... -from The Freshman

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -Sigmund Freud What you need to do is try and be the best person you can be, instead of comparing yourself to how pathetic other people are. -Dan Frey I have found the imitation of Christ to be largely an exercise in heartbreak. Not that I seem much like an imitator of Christ: A pious marble statue I am not. Believing in Christ has made me more aware of my faults and better at fixing them, but I am not a great model. I am not poor in spirit, I am not meek, and I don't love my neighbor all that much. I try much harder than I used to, but I still fail. Looking at myself, I am not surprised that Christians often get blamed for hypocrisy. But that's really Christianity's point. The central teaching of the religion is that no matter how well we humans know what we ought to do, we can't do it, at least not all of the time. We can be pretty petty creatures, even pretty monstrous ones in the wrong circumstances. But the glorious kicker of it all is that God loves us anyway. We may prefer to wallow in our silly prides and pointless desires, but God forgives us for it and wants to drag us, kicking and screaming, into the sweet kingdom of gentleness and openness and acceptance. -Dan Fried The direct use of force is so poor a solution to the problems of limited resources that it is commonly employed only by small children and great nations. -David Friedman Mr. Clinton may have lied about his sex life, but he, Bob Rubin and Larry Summers told the truth about numbers. The Bushies are all good boys who go home to their wives at 6 p.m., but that's after a day of fudging all sorts of numbers to get their mammoth tax cut passed. Personally, if I have to choose, I prefer people who cheat on their wives to people who cheat on our kids. -Thomas Friedman The future belongs to charismatic communicators who are technically competent. -Patricia Fripp A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. -Robert Frost Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self confidence. -Robert Frost

Damn, damn and double damn. Damn it backwards into a narrow space, with a sideorder of hellfire, and twice on a Sunday. DAAAAAAAMN. -Stephen Fry & Hugh Laurie To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it. -Michael Fuhr To: is for your coworker. Cc: is for your boss. Bcc: is for your friend at the newspaper. -Michael Fuhr Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. -R. Buckminster Fuller The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. -R. Buckminster Fuller It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat. -Robert Fuoss We currently have no full-time employees. None of our executives have significant experience in the industry. The managing underwriter has never previously acted as the managing underwriter of a public offering. Sometimes he forgets to wear pants. Of the 11 employees listed in the management section of this prospectus, six have worked for us less than one year, and three of them are heavily involved in a New Age suicide cult. In addition, our location in Portsmouth, N.H., may limit our access to skilled personnel. Portsmouth is a living hell, believe you me, especially in the winter time. Even those of us who aren't in the suicide cult are thinking of killing ourselves. -David Futrelle, Upside You may be able to identify forward-looking statements by words such as "should," "could," "expects," "plans," "anticipates," "believes," "estimates," "predicts" or "incoming!" Also, the phrases "Look out! Here comes a forward-looking statement" and "I got your forward-looking statement right here, IPO boy" are good tip-offs. Such forward-looking statements are not historical facts. We cannot guarantee future results, levels of activity, performance, or that you will not pay a lot for this muffler. -David Futrelle, Upside

If our revenues do not increase and if our spending levels are not adjusted accordingly, we may not generate sufficient revenues to achieve profitability. Even if we do achieve profitability, we may not sustain or increase profitability on a quarterly or annual basis in the future. Sometimes we take $20 bills and just flush them down the toilet. Our business manager was last seen heading for the Mexican border with a large suitcase full of cash. -David Futrelle, Upside Firstly, there's no such person as Death. Second, Death's this tall guy with a bone face, like a skeletal monk, with a scythe and an hourglass and a big white horse and a penchant for playing chess with Scandanavians. Third, he doesn't exist either. -Sexton Furnival, "Death: The High Cost of Living"

quotes: g
BUSINESS ANSWER: I'm not being paid, so you can't complain. REAL ANSWER: I'm sorry it had to be that way, but I do have a life; there's more to life than PONG, man! There's also WARCRAFT. -Stephan Gagne I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up and caving in and going out. But from here, I can pretend... I can pretend that things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments. Gods come, and gods go. Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle lke fireflies and vanish into cold and dust. But I can pretend. -Neil Gaiman, Sandman #48 I knew a man in Paphlagonia who'd swallow a live snake every morning when he got up. He used to say, he was certain of one thing, that nothing worse would happen to him all day. 'Course they made him eat a bowlful of hairy centipedes before they hung him, so maybe that claim was a bit presumptive. -Neil Gaiman, Stardust Everybody who has ever read Sandman knows exactly what the Sandman looks like, which is more than anybody who has ever read The Catcher in the Rye can say about Holden Caulfield. -Neil Gaiman There's a trick they do with one pea and three cups which is very hard to follow, and something like it, for greater stakes than a handful of loose change, is about to take place. The text will be slowed down to allow the sleight of hand to be followed. Mrs. Deirdre Young is giving birth in Delivery Room Three. She is having a golden-haired male baby we will call Baby A. The wife of the American Cultural Attache, Mrs. Harriet Dowling, is giving birth in Delivery Room Four. She is having a golden-haired male baby we will call Baby B. Sister Mary Loquacious has been a devout Satanist since birth. She went to Sabbat School as a child and won black stars for handwriting and liver. When she was told to join the Chattering Order she went obediently, having a natural talent in the direction and, in any case, knowing that she would be among friends. She would be quite bright, if she was ever put in a position to find out, but long ago found that being a scatterbrain, as she'd put it, gave you an easier journey through life. Currently she is being handed a golden-haired male baby we will call the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness. Watch carefully. -Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchet, _Good Omens_

This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human and otherwise, are imaginary, excepting only certain of the fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof. -Neil Gaiman, "The Books of Magic" The views expressed above are not shared by Gamers.com, Gamers Extreme, or probably even the author himself. Please don't sue us. It is almost impossible to imagine the amount of anguish one radioactive goat can cause. -gamers.com disclaimer If you think I wear the cloak of filth, then let me tell you baby, I wear it real good. -Diamanda Galas It seems stupid when people limit themselves to one kind of music. It tells me they're not using their ears. -Diamanda Galas If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -John Kenneth Galbraith The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness. -John Kenneth Galbraith Under capitalism - man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite. -John Kenneth Galbraith Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -John Kenneth Galbraith I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -Galileo Galilei In questions of science the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. -Galileo Galilei

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work. -Gallagher Of course, back in the day we joked about malodorous pencildick frat nerds who think 'third base' means that they died twice in regulation. -Felix Gallo What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a barn? -Tom Galloway I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. -Jerry Garcia No academic ever expects to be taken seriously by more than three other people, because really, we write for the three other people in our field. -Howard Gardner Every psychic investigator of Mrs. Piper was impressed by her simplicity and honesty. It never occurred to them that no charlatan ever achieves greatness by acting like a charlatan. No professional spy acts like a spy. No card cheat behaves at the table like a card cheat. -Martin Gardner Wong let me snap a photograph of the DC distribution system. Each of the red cables in the photo is thicker than a carrot, and carries enough current to kill everybody in the office. (Not that this would ever cross my mind.) -Simson Garfinkel Rieger floors it. My head snaps back, my foot stomps on the virtual brake pedal, and I'm a mess of quivering Jell-O as Bad Boy hits 100 miles an hour. "Fun, isn't it?" says a grinning Rieger, when we screech to a stop. Fun! Sex is fun. Those four seconds of fullon palpitations were more than fun. They were intense. -Rochelle Garner, Upside

Maybe it was the snake drills. Maybe that's what got to them. From time to time, it seemed right to throw a length of hose into the river, yell 'Snake!', and everyone open up with shotguns, Magnums, semi-automatic weapons, whatever was handy on the boats. Apart from being fun, it established that the Gunkhole was heavily armed and crazy, which was all to the good. You wound up being able to leave your tools out on the deck and go for a beer and come back, and nobody had messed with your stuff. -Joel Garreau With reasonable men, I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost. -William Lloyd Garrison The Microsoft corporate culture can be broken down into four key parts: a tremendous work ethic; Bill Gates is always right; an us-versus-them mentality; and Bill Gates is always right. If you execute successfully on all of that, you get to retire in your thirties as a multimillionaire. -Michael Gartenberg So, my question is: Am I slime? And is she really OK with it or is she just saying that? -Mike Gaslin A year ago, Steve Jobs was in the wilderness, and everybody thought that NeXT was going nowhere. Then, as if by magic, he manages to sell it to Apple, for a very high price, and gain control of Apple in the process, and now he is in the position of again becoming a revered figure in the history of computing. If that's not leadership, I don't know what is. -Jean-Louis Gassee Another aspect of our work environment is that we're cheap. In some companies, the thought police would advise me to say 'spartan,' but once you see the pair of 8-foot couches I bought for $10 in the summer of 1991, when we set up our first office in San Jose, you'll probably agree that cheap is the word. -Jean-Louis Gassee Corporate beer: less taste, more filling. -Jean-Louis Gassee Don't ask me 'When is our IPO?' My office overlooks the parking lot, and when I see the BMWs of investment bankers fighting for spaces, I'll know it's time. -Jean-Louis Gassee Don't try to lawyer me out of common sense. -Jean-Louis Gassee

I worked 22 years in the industry, and I noticed that operating systems get cancer with age. -Jean-Louis Gassee If you ask people in the mainstream what they want, they'll say faster and smaller and cheaper. But with that you don't get innovation. If you align yourself with the ballbreaker, high-testosterone crowd, that leads to innovation. -Jean-Louis Gassee Thank you, but right now we are barely a fly on the giant's butt. -Jean-Louis Gassee The goal of the computer is to provide people with the means to extend people's minds and bodies. It is an exoskeleton that expands the human reach. -Jean-Louis Gassee The romance of Silicon Valley was about money, about changing the world, one million dollars at a time. -Jean-Louis Gassee The way to find what the mainstream will do tomorrow is to associate with the lunatic fringe today. -Jean-Louis Gassee When an idea, a proposition, a cause is presented to me in terms that leave me no alternative but to be for it, because it's all pros and no cons, then I know I'm being conned. -Jean-Louis Gassee You have the apple - the symbol of knowledge. It is bitten - the symbol of desire. You have the rainbow - but the colors are in the wrong order. Knowledge, lust, hope, and anarchy: any company with all that cannot help being mythic. -Jean-Louis Gassee You know the people who have the bumper stickers? These are the faithful, and I respect their faith, but I would like to respectfully point out that faith is dangerous. Religion kills. -Jean-Louis Gassee The metaphor is probably the most fertile power possessed by men. -Ortega Y Gassett

You know, the language of some of those messages that come up, it just absolutely drives me crazy. They are flat-out incomprehensible. -Bill Gates on Windows error messages Any machine that can run a browser is not thin. The browser has to be the thickest application man has ever invented, and it's getting thicker faster than anything ever developed by man. -Bill Gates Microsoft does not dominate the software industry by any stretch of the imagination. We have lots of very able competitors who keep us constantly vigilant, and sometimes they beat us to the punch. Microsoft's success to date is based solely on the fact that people like Microsoft software. -Bill Gates, April 1995 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly.' Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'userfriendly' on the cover. -Bill Gates We always overestimate the change that will occur in the next two years and underestimate the change that will occur in the next 10. -Bill Gates Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -Jules de Gaultier Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies when you're having fun. -Jorge Gautier I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. -Emile Henry Gauvreay If the product breaks after the 1-year warranty period, it's cheaper to get it replaced than to have it repaired. -G.E. answering machine documentation I have a social philosophy; you have political opinions; he has an ideology. -C. Geertz

Happy is harder than money. Anyone who thinks money will make them happy, doesn't have money. -David Geffen Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -R. Geis The question is not how to use computing power efficiently, but how to squander it creatively. -Dr. David Gelernter I just saw Titanic, which is a $200 million film about a real-life disaster at sea, but according to Hollywood Logic, none of the actual passengers was interesting enough, so the writer-director had to invent a Romeo and Juliet-style fictional couple to heat up the catastrophe. This seems a tiny bit like giving Anne Frank a wacky best friend to perk up that attic. -Libby Gelman-Waxner, Premiere Impeccability, a finely honed strategic sense, and an intelligent application of personal ferocity beat out fear and hate every time. -Joshua Geller It is an immutable law in business that words are words, explanations are explanations, promises are promises - but only performance is reality. -Harold S. Geneen Yeah, we're fascist netcops. Deal. -David Gerard If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its laws. -George Gerbner The last thing IBM needs right now is a vision. -Lou Gerstner Financial statements belong in the fiction section of the library. -Eric Gertler If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -J. Paul Getty

A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. -Gandhi Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth. -Gandhi First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win. -Gandhi Necessity is the mother of the re-invented wheel. -Charlie Gibbs If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. -Khalil Gibran Dear Generation X, We are sorry to inform you of the death of "The Voice of Your Generation." We deeply regret his loss to suicide and wish you all the best in the future. Yours sincerely, The Management -Lex Gibson It's kind of in her hands because, well, basically, I want to sleep with her. -Lex Gibson So the two rules for tonight are, I'm not going to sleep with you, and you've got to stop lying to me. -Lex Gibson What's with this song? It sounds like R2-D2 asking a lot of really stupid questions. -Lex Gibson Would you keep control of your clothing? -Lex Gibson Distributed computing is where someone tripping over a cable in another building can ruin your day. -D. Gifford

Hey, that makes this the first recorded instance of someone playing StarFleet when they shoulda been doing work. Yeah, this is historic. -Steve Gifford I always find my self wondering how people who can't code manage to get through life. -Steve Gifford When people of good faith come together as one.... the rest of us end up in concentration camps. -Steve Gifford The information glut has become a ruling cliche. As all resources - from energy to information - become more abundant, the presure of economic scarcity falls ever more heavily on one key residual, and that single shortage looms ever more stringent and controlling. The governing scarcity of the information economy is time: the shards of a second, the hours in a day, the years in a life, the latency of memory, the delay in aluminum wires, the time to market, the time to metastasis, the time to retirement. -George Gilder At Mach 3, coffee does not get served. It gets Vaporised. SR-71A: As NOT seen on Russian Radar. -Vijay Gill change must come from within. what are the actual chances we'll stop hanging with the same losers? so its all talk, we must implement a paradigm shift to leverage our madness into an engine of booty -Vijay Gill hate = good : beer = food : food = good => hate = beer -Vijay Gill He is dead. Something that that he disagreed with, ate him -Vijay Gill I don't do drugs because I like to keep reality where I can get hold of it ASAP. -Vijay Gill I must admit my education in the assgoblin arena has been sadly lacking, perhaps you can clue me in -Vijay Gill

if you don't know how to do this, chances are that you should NOT be doing this. Leave this sort of thing for the professionals. Given that warning, and being the sort of person who loves to give out rope so people can hang themselves, here we go -Vijay Gill the issue is getting worked up over nothing and then the morons who send mail about people getting worked up and then the morons who send mail about morons sending mail about people getting worked up. if everyone just hit delete like I do, I wouldn't see a problem. it is not hard to deal with a mailing list, I can't see how you idiots can actually survive in the real world -Vijay Gill The Revolution will not be available in retail stores. -Vijay Gill Time to put on some excessive force. -Vijay Gill we are all the same color once our skin has been removed and replaced by superconducting wire mesh to dissipate spot lasers -Vijay Gill We don't need solutions. We need shotguns! -Vijay Gill will build dynamic routing meshes for food -Vijay Gill You. You're cute. You'll do. Come with me. -Vijay Gill you will CEASE from speaking, or I WILL RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE. Lightly braise it with a lemon/pepper sauce, and feed it to you. -Vijay Gill A libertarian is just an anarchist on the gold standard. -Alexis Gilliland There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. -Jean Giradoux

Lands' End has undergone three major changes over the past couple of decades. The first was the introduction of an 800 number, in 1978; the second was express delivery, in 1994; and the third was the introduction of a Web site, in 1995. The first two innovations cut the average transaction time--the time between the moment of ordering and the moment the goods are received--from three weeks to four days. The third innovation has cut the transaction time from four days to, well, four days. -Malcolm Gladwell The Dockers campaign, however, proved that you could sell fashion to men. But that was only the first of its remarkable implications. The second - which remains as weird and mysterious and relevant to the fashion business today as it was ten years ago - was that you could do this by training a camera on a man's butt and having him talk in yuppie gibberish. -Malcolm Gladwell Why is it that no matter how far i travel and how light i pack, my neuroses always seem to catch up with me? -Josh Glazer Note: the Information Technology Center has never been awakened with a blowjob, so I don't see how the opinions expressed herein could possibly reflect those of my employers. -Bob Glickstein I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even though she's too young to have logged on yet. Here's what I worry about. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now, she will come to me and say "Daddy, where were you when they took freedom of the press away from the Internet? -Mike Godwin It is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country. -Hermann Goering Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

He who possesses art and science has religion; he who does not possess them, needs religion. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe It is not enough to have knowledge, one must also apply it. It is not enough to have wishes, one must also accomplish. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe Kill every human on the planet? Sounds like a good idea! But first, we should concentrate on more immediate goals. -Jeffrey Goines It is fundamental that the great powers of Congress to conduct war and to regulate the Nation's foreign relations are subject to the constitutional requirements of due process. The imperative necessity for safeguarding these rights to procedural due process under the gravest of emergencies has existed throughout our constitutional history, for it is then, under the pressing exigencies of crisis, that there is the greatest temptation to dispense with fundamental constitutional guarantees which, it is feared, will inhibit governmental action. "The Constitution of the United States is a law for rulers and people, equally in war and peace, and covers with the shield of its protection all classes of men, at all times, and under all circumstances ... In no other way can we transmit to posterity unimpaired the blessings of liberty, consecrated by the sacrifices of the Revolution. -Justice Arthur Goldberg, Kennedy v. Mendoza-Martinez i guess that these are the some of the people you can fool all of the time. -Joshua Goldberg I won't be in the office today. Your bad airline karma has spread to me. Annie, my dog, was "mistakenly" flown to New Orleans instead of SFO. The city names are so close, I can see how the mixup happened. -Ross Goldberg

I liked Beauty and the Beast a lot. Bitter, isolated, and physically repulsive. I can identify with that. -Kevin Goldsmith Is there such a thing as a weather penis? -Kevin Goldsmith Let me draw an analogy here; I'm quite fond of a well mixed bloody mary, but I can't stomach straight vodka. Likewise, I would imagine pure Goth, replete with angst but lacking any ANGER, would be insipid and self-indulgent beyond my ability to endure it. -Rachel Goldsmith Where are we going and what's with this handbasket? -Rachel Goldsmith We put the "laughter" in Manslaughter. -Randy Goldstein A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. -Barry Goldwater A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -Samuel Goldwyn Hello. This is Evan Golub's e-mail filter. According to my internal clock, it is 1900 and email will not be invented for several decades. Your message will be held in a queue until this invention has been made. However, please note that Evan may not respond for several more years as he has not been born as of yet and certainly does not know how to type. -Evan Golub Oh my god, using a computer in Denny's. Believe me guys, that must come within INCHES of being a multiple orgasm! -Lesley Goodwin It is true that some lawyers are dishonest, arrogant, greedy, venal, amoral, ruthless buckets of slime. On the other hand, it is unfair to judge the entire profession by a few hundred thousand bad apples. -James D. Gordon III, The Washington Post

Crossposting isn't inherently evil, in the same sense that necrophilia doesn't really hurt anybody. One wonders only whether it's appropriate to the occasion. -Rick Gordon Those who are obsessed by ideology are the Republican Party, where they are in such disarray that the right hand doesn't know what the far right hand is doing -Vice President Al Gore We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there. -Dana Gould People may be stupid but they're not that stupid. -government official, Young Zaphod Plays It Safe There is such a fine line between goth and skanky biker ho. -Carl Graci Disposable income is very cool and that's the reason we're in grad school. -The Grad School Rap How can you dream the impossible dream, when you can't get any sleep? -graffiti You're damn right we need a rational code of morality and ethics. But not much progress can be made in that direction while we've still got a majority ranting about gods, devils, souls, and absolute morality, and using an ancient book written by ignorant nomads as a guide. -Doug Graham Paranoia will get you through times of no enemies better than enemies will get you through times of no paranoia. -Pete Granger Whenever there has been talk of exterminating rats, others, who were not rats, have been exterminated. -Gunter Grass In my country there is a belief, and rightly so, that the only thing that separates us from animals is mindless superstition and pointless ritual. -Latka Graves

1. If you think the network implies intelligent design, you haven't seen our network yet. 2. Even assuming this suggests the existence of a System Administrator, there's no evidence the System Administrator is intelligent. -Andy Gray Like a fly to a bug zapper, you are drawn to the cafeteria. -Brendan Gray Something bothers me about a bunch of scrawny kids in $150 oxblood DM's, $150+ Leather jackets, and a ton of expensive jewelry and decorations sitting in doorways begging for change. -Brendan Gray "This" cyberscene? Yeah, like this board is a "virtual reality", not just a bunch of ASCIItwiddling weenie-nerds who have the privelege of Internet access... -Mike Greelish and the obvious answer to that is yes, you smoke crack like an engineer drinks espresso. -Fred Green Are you sick and tired of men sniveling and whining about how women want to smother them? If you can still hear them whining you aren't holding the pillow down hard enough. -Fred Green Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. -Fred Green Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of caffeine. -Fred Green The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. -Fred Green I'm gonna get luddite on your ass! -Sam Greenfield Let me just point out that this is all I saw I of your message. Then my head exploded. -Sam Greenfield

Nope, those weren't the Rockettes. They were just average citizens from New York who happened to be walking through Times Sqaure. They were so amazed by the downright funkiness of the Pentium II that they had to start dancing in a sychronized line right then and there. -Sam Greenfield Technology is useless without art. -Sam Greenfield When I say 'morning', what I really mean is 'afternoon'. -Sam Greenfield You put the art back in fart. -Sam Greenfield Although the Buddhists will tell you that desire is the root of suffering, my personal experience leads me to point the finger at systems administration. -Philip Greenspun Computers are the tools of the devil. It is as simple as that. There is no monotheism strong enough that it cannot be shaken by Unix or any Microsoft product. The devil is real. He lives inside C programs. -Phil Greenspun For some reason, Web service seems to attract incompetent system administrators and antique, unloved hardware. -Philip Greenspun Most people who are rich chose their parents wisely. -Philip Greenspun Remember that in 1993 a company with a bad Web site needed an engineer. Today, in 2008, a company with a bad Web site needs a psychiatrist. -Phil Greenspun Earth is a single point of failure. -Patrick Greenwell You can only kiss so much faculty butt before you get a mouthfull of hair. -David Gregg

Big breasts are popular, people look around, they say, "Oh, there's lots of big breasts -they're very big, they're scary, someone might get their eye put out. I'm going to vote for Alan Keyes." ... It's not that "Political times are repressive, ergo we like big breasts" but that "There are a lot of big breasts around, ergo we get scared and we get conservative." And, conversely, like in the sixties you had people like Penelope Tree and Twiggy, and people looked around and said, "Oh, there's lots of small breasts around -- it's okay, it's safe. I'm going to join a commune and take drugs." -"Gregory", radio show caller, as quoted in Esquire, Feb 1999 I don't know the answer to this... but you don't either. -Jerry Griffin The best things about solid mechanics is that you can break things all the time. Getting paid money to destroy things - what more could a man ask for? -Jerry Griffin The stresses.. They just don't care. They're like you on Sunday morning. -Jerry Griffin You wonder what faculty do? We sit around drinking beer and discussing free-body diagrams. -Jerry Griffin When you hear the word 'nonhomogeneous' do you feel queasy inside? -Jerry Griffin So you've been warned. And once the Internet is present in every household in the world, I'll have fulfilled my dream to become the absolute ruler of the hearts and minds of every sentient being on the planet. But I digress. -Jim Griffith, prolific newsgroup moderator Anything's funny with blood all over your face. -Chris Grimes I want something to organize my life and it should play tetris. -Chris Grimes I'm feeling slightly less existentially despondent. -Chris Grimes

Can you STOP talking about spinning metal penises! -Chris Grimes If at first you don't succeed -- give it up. It isn't worth the pain. -Matt Groening Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. -Matt Groening If companies don't know that they can run out of money, they won't be thinking of ways not to run out of money. -Bill Gross I'll have the plate of vomit. -Alec Grossman This is the philosophical ramblings of a tortured mind. We'll print it exactly the way he wants it. -Bob Guccione This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed. -Harry Guggenheim An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. -Sacha Guitry You can pretend to be serious, you can't pretend to be witty. -Sacha Guitry Manure is manure, with any bucket as useful for fertilizer as any other. A more apt comparison would be to think of the Usenet archive as dumptrucks full of manure, each containing a single peanut butter cup...somewhere... -Mike Gunderloy The security of the Nation is not at the ramparts alone, Security also lies in the value of our free institutions. A cantankerous press, an obstinate press, a ubiquitous press must be suffered by those in authority in order to preserve the even greater values of freedom of expression and the right of the people to know. -U.S. District Judge Murray Gurfein

The good news is that you can build a portal overnight; the bad news is that so can everyone else. -J. William Gurley A sacrifice... how about a young, nubile, willing dancing girl, dressed in thin white silk, holding a chocolate chip cheesecake in one hand and a six-pack of Blue Ridge Porter in the other? Just send her to my place and consider yourself paid up. -Nikki Gustas ...almost everyone in the film is made a little too dumb for my taste (even by New Hampshire standards). -Nikki Gustas At this point, wanting to get my point across with the proper sign language, I tried to strangle him. -Nikki Gustas Ever fly through a thunderstorm? It's pretty, in an "I'm gonna die" way. -Nikki Gustas If you placed all the blood vessels in your body end to end, you'd be dead. -Nikki Gustas Support your local medical examiner. Die strangely. -Nikki Gustas The frustrating thing is that he really tries to dominate my attention which would be okay if he'd sleep with me. -Nikki Gustas Well, I saw Hackers last night.... It was flashy, gorgeous, stylish, and appallingly dumb much like many people I know. -Nikki Gustas Come on, why would anyone want to live in California any more? People can't even read their pink slips because the power is out. -Craig Guthery Santa Claus wears a Red Suit ... he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair ... must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? -Arlo Guthrie

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Gentlemen, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I mean to put you in harm's way. -Gene Hackman as Admiral Reigart in "Behind Enemy Lines" I guess she'll stop acting weird now that i'm not a guy. -Kerry Hagan so, like, i have insomnia so, i tried my tried-and-true very very very last resort: alcohol. drank down a couple a guinnesses too fast for the quality of the beer. now, im a blasted insomniac, and i have devised a few schemes for the betterment of the human race. -Kerry Hagan The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. -Alexander Haig You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll Mom hears about this. -Corey Haim as Sam Emerson in "The Lost Boys" I get women naked, and pass the savings on to you. -Tony Halasohoris Some people think a song without words isn't a real song. Tell that to Beethoven and he'll kick your ass! -Eddie Van Halen Elvis is dead. Give it up. -Michelle Hall I saw "Sleep With Me", with Eric Stoltz... I can see how the rest of my life is going to go... it's depressing... and painful... and sucky... and Quentin Tarantino is there... it's horrible... -Michelle Hall It's that goddamn salinger book that did it. Every time. And the fact that parents let me read too much as a child. It just ruined me. -Michelle Hall

Oh how i love being tragic. Oh how i love outright lies. -Michelle Hall The goddamn cat never bit you. That was me. -Michelle Hall You know, he's a much better doctor when he's raging drunk. -Michelle Hall Personally I do not take a stand on the quaint customs that may take place in the colonies. If they wish to speak in a certain way then that is their business. When the greatest cultural aspiration of a society is to place a MacBurger Bar and Hagen Das Ice Cream palour on every highstreet of the globe it seems somewhat irrelevant to start taking them up on their vocabulary. -Phill Hallam-Baker It was a good job, but not a great job. It taught me a lot about how I want to spend 40 years until retirement. About my values, and what's important to me. What I want to do with my life. The people I want to work with. I won't miss it very much, though -- They wanted me to wear pants every DAY. -Erik Hallberg The perception appears to be that Americans are workaholics, Americans are crazy, Americans take life too seriously and don't enjoy life. But that's also why you don't see a lot of Netscapes sprouting out of the south of France. -John Hallett, CEO, NMP Inc. And tell me what's going on. Since I have no social life and I work more than I ever have before. Combined. Writing my tenth paper of the year right now. Well, not writing it now, writing mail now... but I will write it. -Kerry Halpern There was industrial before NIN? Next you'll tell me there was punk before Black Flag. -Kit Halsted Some of us have our own opinions. I, for instance, have the opinion that you're a twit. -Kit Halsted The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed. -Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist Papers

There are only 2 enterprises that refer to their customers as users, and one is illegal. -Hammer Machines should work. People should think. -Richard Hamming I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. -Jack Handley It's supposed to be hard; if it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great. -Tom Hanks, "A League of Their Own" So you see, not only does cell phone radiation cause impotence, incontinence, jock itch, malaria, and loss of hearing, but it also makes you stupid and forgetful. Furthermore, frequent and and public use of cell phones will cause all of your children to be born *completely naked*. Some of the cool Dick Tracy wrist phones that were recently announced are, however, totally cool and harmless. -Hannibal, ArsTechnica I use Macs for work, Linux for education, and Windows for Solitaire. -Lorca Hanns The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely. -Lorraine Hansberry Alex, I'll take "Annoying Software" for $200. -Chris Hanson Diving gear? Fetish wear? What's the difference? -Chris Hanson I want a non filesystem-based source code management & control system. I want it to have a nice interface, supported on multiple platforms for both the client and server, and support multiple independent projects built from the same source base. I want it to use a protocol that is published as an Internet Draft or informational RFC. And I want a pony. -Chris Hanson

Which part of "I CAN'T DO THAT IN 2 HOURS!" didn't you understand?! -Chris Hanson Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if pac man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms munching pills and listening to repetitive music. -Kaz Harai, CEO, Sony Computer Entertainment Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -Salvador Hardin I've attempted to build a caffeine death ray out of empty Mtn Dew cans. All I need now are 3 tons of dessicated spleens.. -Jordan Hardgrove I've solved the problem of world hunger: Feed the homeless to the poor! -Jordan Hardgrave If you put an infinite amount of monkeys in front of an infinite amount of typewriters, they'd eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Do the same with humans and computers and you get Windows Vista. Score: Monkeys 1, Humans 0 -Jordan Hardgrove I'm not claiming to any moral high ground. Sometimes, I make grilled cheese sandwiches with velveeta for dinner. -Jonathan Hardwick I didn't mind that you were sleeping. It's just that you were snoring. -Professor Harper Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. -Sydney J. Harris The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. -Sydney Harris The sound of people drowning is something I cannot describe to you. And neither can anyone else. It is the most dreadful sound. And there is a dreadful silence that follows it. -Eva Hart, Titanic survivor

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and selfannihilation. -Johnny Hart Nothing can so prevent you from learning the truth as the belief that you already know it. -Jon Hart Over the years we have been warned about the danger of subversive organizations that would threaten our liberties, subvert our system, would encourage its members to take further illegal action to advance their views, organizations that would incite and promote violence, pitting one American group against another... There is an organization that does fit those descriptions, and it is the organization, the leadership of which has been most constant in its warning to us to be on guard against such harm. The FBI. -Senator Philip A. Hart I am disassociating myself from work here. I don't consider you a client for the rest of this post, just a moron. -Jeremy Hartman One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer terror. -W. K. Hartmann I feel like Keith Richards looks. ugh. -Matthew Haughey Web designers doing weblogs is kind of like the old joke about student film makers: they tend produce films about being a student film maker, filled with struggling actors playing struggling actors and frustrated writers playing frustrated writers. -Matthew Haughey Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. -Harvard's Law I'm worried about Congress really messing this up. We have that tendency, I've been told. -Senator Orin Hatch I could stop here, but I'm going to subject you to a bunch of math. -David Haussler

God not only plays dice, he also sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen. -Stephen Hawking That's a definition, not a theorem. That means you don't argue with it; you just write it down and memorize it. -Warren Hawley As we all know, "hard sf" is the rigorously demanding, intellectually taxing practice of "sf without a net," which rejects squishy soft ideas like human biology or psychology in favor of hardnosed, realistic concepts such as hyperdrives, travel through black holes, omnipotent aliens, etc. -Patrick Nielsen Hayden We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves infested with losers and nut cases. -Patrick Nielsen Hayden Of course all ISPs suck. They try to take a global communications infrastructure and run it like a macdonald's franchise. -Reilly Hayes People criticize my father because they say his models say inane things. I've met these girls. They ARE inane. -Christie Hefner No conflict exists between the pleasure a modern American finds in material things and his struggle to discover a new scientific truth, or evolve a new philosophy, or create a work of art. The good life, the full life, encompasses all of these - and all of them satisfy and spur a man on to do more, see more, know more, experience more. -Hugh Hefner When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. -Cynthia Heimel Whenever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings. -Heinrich Heine A poet who reads his own verse in public may have other nasty habits. -Robert Heinlein

Some practical jokes are funny once. Do it once, you're a wit; do it twice you're a halfwit. -Robert Heinlein Stupidity cannot be cured. Stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death. There is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity. -Robert Heinlein The only inherent sin in society lies in hurting others unnecessarily. Hurting yourself in not sinful - just dumb. -Robert Heinlein The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive. -Robert Heinlein They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday. -Robert Heinlein When you have shot and killed a man, you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or for worse, you have acted decisively. In a way the next move is up to him! -Robert Heinlein Women and cats will do as they please. And men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert Heinlein Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards. -Robert Heinlein my title is software engineer, not hack engineer. -Sherry Heinz alright now, i have been hearing murmurs of doing something tonight that combines a) drinking and b) drinking. something about a getogether tonight, and i must say that i am not opposed. in fact, i would be willing to devote considerable resources (i may even stand up) to make this happen. but i cannot act alone. in the immortal words of the notso-immortal benjamin franklin: "we must drink together, or surely we shall all drink seperately and probably pass out and drown in pools of our own vomit". he was a true patriot. -Chris Heiser

And she's like "I don't want to hear this," and I'm like "well neither do I, so shut up." -Chris Heiser As my friend Eric Meyhofer would say, 'That guy's a loser'. -Chris Heiser ...because i spent the first three hours of the day in intense meditation trying to decide the most effective way for me to convey my overwhelming desire for you to BITE ME. -Chris Heiser You could tell me you met this girl. You could tell me she was intelligent, not just pop intelligent like these other women, but really intelligent, like 'she runs me around in circles' and she's gorgeous, and we like each other, but not too much, and God himself blessed this relationship - God himself came down and said 'I bless this relationship', and I'd be like 'Oh shit.' -Chris Heiser God, I can see it now: me, lying on the ground, face besmeared with BBQ sauce, passing out listening to some Lady Ga-Ga crap or worse. -Chris Heiser Guess what I have. Hint: it's black and contains a loaded shotgun. -Chris Heiser i have, as of late, tried to find the root of this particular emotion and its various manifestations (personal hatred, world hunger, the republican party, hale-bopp, hollywood, automatic porsches, wired, Mtv unplugged, stock market crashes, the stock market, financial analysts, money, no money, franz ferdinand breakups, bill gates, spam, anderson cooper, intolerance, tolerance of the intolerable, deep blue, fast food, slow food, work, insomnia, apple pie, injection-molded plastics, new music, the radio, the tv, the microwave, the toaster, geothermal warming, and urban hipsterism) and have decided that it boils down to one single, quantifiable, elemental issue. you need more horsepower. -Chris Heiser In every situation, its good to have an agenda. The agenda here is wasting time. -Chris Heiser It's better than tv-dinner style philosophy with a side order of angst. -Chris Heiser

Land of the free! Home of the brave! Go directly to jail! Blow habeus corpus out your rectum. -Chris Heiser NASCAR (a name that is synonomyus with poorly-built cars careening off other poorly built cars and concrete walls at 190 MPH because their drivers are completely incompetent and whose mouths are too full of chew to radio to the pits that their cars are on fire and about to explode) -Chris Heiser One must work hard at procrastination, or something might get done ahead of time. -Chris Heiser She is by far one of the most mentally decapitated people I have ever met. -Chris Heiser ...so I'm sitting here telling her about my skills and how I'm the super master of everything and about how I actually made a C Threepio clone out of twelve transistors and a block of aluminium. She said that someone would get back to me. -Chris Heiser To put it another way, it's cool. Still another angle might be: the old way kinda sucked. -Chris Heiser You will get used to it, or die. -Chris Heiser They'll need to do a double-blind test. That's where they stick pins in both eyes and shove a cell phone up your ass. -Chris Heise Uh... you're a moron. -Chris Heiser Women suck, they're all disgusting little psychopathic leeches who do nothing more in your life than to suck your soul, leave your wallet empty, your heart broken, and your life destroyed. -Chris Heiser

you know what your problem is? you need to spend _less_ time with situations where you know you will ultimately get (mentally/emotionally/physically) screwed, and _more_ time with me in a hummer with a loaded shotgun in the back. -Chris Heiser I want everyone in the whole world to like me, except the people that I've already met, handled, found inconsequential, and forgot about. -Joseph Heller, "Something Happened" Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. -Joseph Heller Someone is going to be laying that provocative, pretty, hot-pantsed little girl soon, if someone isn't doing it already, and why shouldn't it be me, instead of some callow, arrogant wise guy, who would not relish her as much as I would, regale and intoxicate her with the spell of flattery and small attentions I could weave, or savor the piquant degeneracy of it nearly as much as I would be certain to. -Joseph Heller The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill. -Robert Heller Markets react worse to change than to Democrats. -David Henry and Adam Shell, The USA Today Our generation is the first generation forced into low-paying jobs at minimum wage. -Imani Henry, National People's Campaign Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force: Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined. -Patrick Henry I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death. -Patrick Henry Intelligence reports are only useful for the intelligent. -Shane Henry

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. -Hepler, Systems Design 182 Beyond a critical point within a finite space, freedom diminishes as numbers increase. This is as true of humans in the finite space of a planetary ecosystem as it is of gas molecules in a sealed flask. The human question is not how many can possibly survive within the system, but what kind of existence is possible for those who do survive. -Pardot Kynes in Frank Herbert's _Dune_ No more terrible disaster could befall your people than for them to fall into the hands of a Hero. -Pardot Kynes in Frank Herbert's _Dune_ The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action. -Frank Herbert Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. -Malcolm Herbert Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. -Charles Herbig Hmm, everyone contributing to the common good. But I thought Communism was dead! -Chris Herborth Monkey good. Sphincter bad. -Roberto Herrera Many businessmen fail to understand Python principles-- the ultimate absurdity was an offer from America to buy the "format" of the Python shows, that is, _Monty Python_ without the Pythons-- corporate methods do not have the conceptual framework to deal with an anarchist collective, run by intelligent and arrogant comedians who have proved that their method works. -Robert Hewison How many bitter men does it take to change a light bulb? We don't care, and if you try we'll just throw the lamp against the wall again. -Chris Hickie

Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. -Hal Hickman Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself, subjectively; there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. -Bill Hicks, Dangerous If the evidence doesn't seem to fit a particular conspiracy theory, just build a bigger conspiracy theory. -Robert D. Hicks, In Pursuit of Satan It's a terrific, totally safe way to meet new people. Complete privacy is guaranteed. Your identity, and the identity of the person you have chosen, remains confidential until both persons agree to meet, a thorough background check and credit profile have been performed, and a neutral meeting place has been arbitrated. Should the date go badly, or result in injury or death, you need not ever see that person again. -James Hightower I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis,_ and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD. -Dr. Jed Hill, "Malice" I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There was a computer in every doorknob. -Danny Hillis

Germans who wish to use firearms should join the SS or the SA - ordinary citizens don't need guns, as their having guns doesn't serve the State. -Heinrich Himmler I'm not sure which upsets me more: that people are so unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions, or that they are so eager to regulate everyone else's. -Kee Hinckley England has already lost the war. It is only a matter of having the intelligence to admit it. -Adolf Hitler, 4/4/41 The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a small one. -Adolf Hitler Imagine the staggering expense to properly reintroduce all those cows back into their natural habitat. You'd need to teach them how to forage for food at dumpsites and campgrounds. Instill in them basic survival skills like fleeing from their natural enemy, the flying saucer. And hire thousands of surrogate bulls for bovine sex education. -Roy Ho There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. -C. A. R. Hoare You know, when you want to circumvent the existing install checker on the average PC upgrade edition of a product, you usually have to murk around with the registry or apply cracks with non-standard install methods... things that would confuse the average newby. But on the Mac OS, you can crack your software with just a single drag of the mouse! Now that's what I call UI innovation. It's not easy being green. It takes way more food coloring than you'd think. -Louis Hochman in "Apple Cease-And-Desist Stupidity Leak" discussion on Slashdot I've finally figured out what's wrong with photography. It's a one-eyed man looking through a little hole. Now, how much reality can there be in that? -David Hockney I'm going to fix this thing if it kills you. -Michael Hodous

You've just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You've fought Klingons off the starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and generally worked yourself into a stupor. Now comes LOG time. You deserve more then just LOG, you deserve CAPTAIN'S LOG! -Dave Hoek I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -Bill Hoest Irrationality is the square root of all evil. -Douglas Hofstadter I don't really see much upside in taking a woman and pushing her down a mountain in a scud missile -Chris Holly on buggy It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. -John Andrew Holmes Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting for centuries for somebody ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing. -John Andrew Holmes The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it friendly. It is simply indifferent. -John Hughes Holmes Man's mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions. -Oliver Wendell Holmes A well-balanced breakfast is an important start to a good resurrection. -Kristie Home Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. -Homer Notice: we do not condone the use of violence, but we do feel compelled, for reasons of historical accuracy, to point out that it has been employed in the past with notable effectiveness. -from a Hong Kong Film Festival flyer

The internet is like alcohol, there's lots of it, and it makes you stupid. -David Honig I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -J. Edgar Hoover I can give you supreme executive authority to bite my ass. -Aaron Hopkins You forget that the exploitation is a one way street - it's corporate policy. -Aaron Hopkins Poor people are crazy. I'm eccentric. -Dennis Hopper, Speed In pioneer days they used oxen for heavy pulling, and when one ox couldn't budge a log, they didn't try to grow a larger ox. We shouldn't be trying for bigger computers, but for more systems of computers. -Admiral Grace Hopper Life was simple before World War II. After that, we had systems. -Admiral Grace Hopper Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees. -David House, Intel VP To escape criticism -- do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. -Elbert Hubbard Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense. -Kim Hubbard The way to make money is to start your own religion. -L. Ron Hubbard Two things are of paramount importance in Scientology. They are WIN and LOSE. -L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology: A New Slant on Life

An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come. -Victor Hugo I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. -Victor Hugo "Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richlydetailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. -Sandra Hull Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers. -Robert Hummel The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. -Hubert Humphrey It swims through a sublogical fantasy world where there are no rules that can't be violated by the set designer, where everybody is really thin and beautiful and wears really cool clothes, and where death is everywhere. -Stephen Hunter, The Washington Post, review of 'The Cell' Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. -Aldous Huxley been there. don't want to do it again. LIVE GEEKY OR DIE. -Lori Hylan

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At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted. -Eric Idle Remember when your mother told you not to play Dungeons and Dragons? She told you it would make you satanic, so you played it anyway. That's when you found out it makes you into something much worse: A giant nerd. -ifilm.com Today's Computer Science lecture will be conducted entirely through the medium of interpretive dance. -Bob Igo it's not the mere _power_ to do something which will sell someone on a technology...it's the power to do something egregiously stupid on mere whim. -Andy Ihnatko Belief is not a voluntary thing. A man believes or disbelieves in spite of himself. They tell us that to believe is the safe way; but I say, the safe way is to be honest. -Robert Ingersoll, "Some Reasons Why I Am a Freethinker" If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal. If he would follow strictly the teachings of the New, he would be insane. -Robert Ingersoll In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments -- there are consequences. -Robert Ingersoll The clergy know that I know that they know that they do not know. -Robert Ingersoll, "Orthodoxy" Let me explain about Genetic Engineering. That's where you take a cell from a human being and put it into a sheep, in the hope that one day it will go out and buy something. -Neil Innes

goth clan...it's like a gang, except when it's time for them to jump you, all they do is hold you down & put too much eyeliner on you -Inox I feel like complete sphincter right now -Inox I take heart in the fact that your death resulting from you simply forgetting to breathe is likely. -Inox I'm the hand up Mona Lisa's skirt. -Inox Infantalization, diminution...are you making a point somewhere in this email? It seems to me to just be a bunch of indignant posturing, but then again, I don't have a sp00ky email address yet. Until I get that, & the accompanying Goth Starter Pack, I won't be able to decode the secret language of vampires. You elude me. -Inox You have an authentic stupidity that's hard to counterfeit. -Inox The major interface feature of Windows Vista is a screen-size cascading menu that is often 4 or more levels deep and causes such large and rapid visual changes that it is likely to cause seizures among its epileptic users. -Interface Hall of Shame Those who believe in miracles when it comes to matters of the heart may believe that there is a perfect mate for each of us waiting to be discovered somewhere in the world. But if this is true, the far greater miracle is the frequency with which the Fates conspire to place this person within walking distance. -Introduction to Psychology, Atkinson, Atkinson, Smith, Hillgard History is composed of the smallest, often undetected mistakes. -John Irving The look of a man who's come to see What Might Have Been is full of both bloodshed and nostalgia. -John Irving

The more clearly one sees this world, the more one is obliged to pretend it does not exist. -John Irving This is an old joke. There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. Written on the box was this: 'Life is serious but art is fun!' I hear his funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this too: It is hard work and great art to make life not so serious. Prostitutes know this too. -John Irving you're either somebody's wife or somebody's whore, or fast on your way to becoming one or the other. -John Irving he would have passed a pleasant life of it, in despite of the Devil and all his works, if his path had not been crossed by a being that causes more perplexity to mortal man than ghosts, goblins, and the whole race of witches put together, and that was -- a woman. -Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow Non sequitur is Latin for "w'uh huh?" -Chris Isaak

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The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards. -Alexander Jablokov There is no greater prude than a reformed prostitute. -Tony Jackson But, as Big Brother said: "Ignorance is Truth." -Mary Jacoby This illustrates a problem in creative conceptualization that I think is very Japanese, and possibly results from an educational system that places an emphasis on the assimilation of facts and deference to authority, rather than the American model which encourages drug and alcohol abuse and rutting like dogs. -Jade I'll concede that some e-mail massages are pretty useless. But what if Uma Thurman wants you to come to her house for midnight drinks and just happens to start the message with "thought you'd be interested"? -Geoffrey James Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. -Geoffrey James The principal difference between a toy and a game is that the latter has some clearly defined goal or purpose; therefore life is not a game, but a toy. -Rahner James a great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -William James Psycho how? Psycho interesting or psycho hide the knives? -Jennifer Jantos The weather here is more interesting than the people. -Jennifer Jantos

I was thinking of her in terms of a toy, like a firetruck. When the firetruck breaks, you cry a bit then forget about it and play with the police cruiser. -John Jantos i'm probably not going to die anytime soon. too much paperwork. -John Jantos If I have to work for a large company, i'll go postal. Actually, it will be called "going corporate" when i do it, thank you very much. And you know where you can shove your fast food chain... -John Jantos if it helps, treat this as the ramblings of a raging cynic. -John Jantos It's never too late to be obnoxious. -John Jantos Your ego's reaching critical mass. -John Jantos your mind is driving down the road, and everything is fine, until you realize you haven't been paying attention for the last few miles, and you must have taken a wrong turn because the bridge ahead is out, and you're 20 feet away from a long drop, and you slam on your brakes and a sharp pain grasps your neck, and you decide not to do anything even remotely strenuous for a while so you can backtrack and find the fork you should have taken back a few miles. so that's academic whiplash. -John Jantos This bag will self-destruct in mother earth. -from a Japanese grocery bag You would not have liked Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound. -Jeeves, "Jeeves Takes Charge" I hold that a little rebellion is a good thing. -Thomas Jefferson

In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. It is easier to acquire wealth and power by this combination than by deserving them, and to effect this, they have perverted the purest religion ever preached to man into mystery and jargon, unintelligible to all mankind, and therefore the safer engine for their purposes. -Thomas Jefferson In every country where man is free to think and to speak, differences of opinion will arise from difference of perception, and the imperfection of reason; but these differences when permitted, as in this happy country, to purify themselves by free discussion, are but as passing clouds overspreading our land transiently and leaving our horizon more bright and serene. -Thomas Jefferson Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced an inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth. -Thomas Jefferson It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. -Thomas Jefferson Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. -Thomas Jefferson No [free] man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -Thomas Jefferson Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear. -Thomas Jefferson

...the successful experiment made under the prevalence of that delusion on the clause of the constitution, which, while it secured the freedom of the press, covered also the freedom of religion, had given to the clergy a very favorite hope of obtaining an establishment of a particular form of Christianity thro' the U.S.; and as every sect believes its own form the true one, every one perhaps hoped for his own, but especially the Episcopalians & Congregationalists. The returning good sense of our country threatens abortion to their hopes, & they believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly; for I have sworn upon the altar of god, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. -Thomas Jefferson Were it left for me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate amoment to prefer the latter. -Thomas Jefferson what country can preserve it's liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon & pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. -Thomas Jefferson They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown. -William Jeffereys If I see one more JFK movie, I will dig him up and kill him again. -jeffy@mit.edu It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. -Jerome K. Jerome Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn't really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That's because they were able to connect experiences they've had and synthesize new things. -Steve Jobs

If you look at the artists, if they get really good, it always occurs to them at some point that they can do this one thing for the rest of their lives, and they can be really successful to the outside world but not really be successful to themselves. That's the moment that an artist really decides who he or she is. If they keep on risking failure, they're still artists. -Steve Jobs Nobody's tried to swallow us since I've been here--I think they're afraid of how we'd taste. -Steve Jobs So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.' -Steve Jobs When you're young, you look at television and think, There's a conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that's not true. The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want. That's a far more depressing thought. Conspiracy is optimistic! You can shoot the bastards! We can have a revolution! But the networks are really in business to give people what they want. It's the truth. -Steve Jobs People must not attempt to impose their own 'truth' on others. The right to profess the truth must always be upheld, but not in a way that involves contempt for those who may think differently. -John Paul II Women are soft, and fun to touch, but that does not stop them from being incarnations of pure evil. -Bradford Johnson One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. -Samuel Johnson Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. -Samuel Johnson

I don't want to kill it for the kids, but we got to go out there and snatch it. We got to go out there, put on masks and go rob. -Tre Johnson It's not a beauty contest. Ain't no bikini on that puppy. A win is a win. -Tre Johnson We're a funded Linux company now, and we'll be able to do some things that we couldn't do before, like buy beer. -TurboLinux marketing VP Lonn Johnston I'm not bitter, I'm evil. -Andrea Jones People who love to drink out of straws are not old enough to drink alcohol. For those people, Miss Manners believes it's quite enough excitement for them to drive their parents crazy by blowing bubbles in their milk. -Gray Jones Women schwomen. You need to interact with your computer a little more deeply. -Gray Jones When those PETA goofballs start trying to toss red paint on bikers wearing leather jackets, things will really get interesting (and I hope someone's there with a camera). -James Jones None other than a Gentleman, as well as a seaman, both in theory and practice is qualified to support the character of a Commissioned Officer in the Navy, nor is any man fit to command a Ship of War who is not also capable of communicating his Ideas on Paper in Language that becomes his Rank. -John Paul Jones the Credit of the Service depends not only on dealing fairly with the men Employed in it, but on their belief that they are and will be fairly dealt with. -John Paul Jones to be well obeyed it is necessary to be esteemed -John Paul Jones

Cinnamint (with Myrrh) is most excellent and I absolutely recommend it. Then again, I have also been known to absolutely recommend assassinations. But only one per person. -Kriste Jordan I know you are super busy, though, so if you cannot respond, I will remain your friend, but I will be forced to poison you with Sweet Tart concentrate. -Kriste Jordan putting the mental in sentimental... one drama at a time. -Kriste Jordan It is better to debate a question without settling it, than to settle a question without debating it. -Joseph Joubert Most programmers are bad programmers. The honest truth is that having a lot of programmers staring at the code does not find the really nasty bugs. The really nasty bugs are found by a couple of really smart programmers. Most programmers looking at the code won't see anything ... You can't have thousands of programmers contributing and achieve a high standard. -Bill Joy Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks. -Bill Joy Either your head will explode or you would be nice and serene or your head would explode AND you would be nice and serene. -Bethany Jozwiak Debating the merits of one platform with the acolyte of another platform is like trying to make love to a cat... It doesn't do anything for you, and it pisses the cat off... -jrg@punch.aero.org All great powers are arrogant -- it just so happens that America is the only one around. -Tony Judt

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The problem in the Middle East is that everyone thinks they are the chosen people. The Jews -- we are the chosen people. The Arabs -- we are the chosen people. Look, if you're the chosen people, how come you're living in the middle of a desert? Maybe the Samoans are the chosen people. -Aron Kader What! You actually think the Grand Moff Tarkin died when the Death Star exploded? Nonsense...I never saw the body, did you? -Chris Kalmbacher If you still do not understand this process please shut off your computer and go home. -Adam Kaplan For those non-Americans in the house, July 4th (Independence Day) is an American holiday where we commemorate when The Fresh Prince of Bel Air shot down some aliens or something. Have a beer, eat a burger! -Phil Kaplan Geoff got sued for sexual harassment and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. -Anu Kapoor It represents man's struggle against giant rotating penises. -Anu Kapoor That which does not kill me is surely defective and should be returned to the manufacturer for replacement. -Anu Kapoor There is no relativity. Some people are just wrong. -Anu Kapoor When grasshopper learns to stagger drunk like a flea, he will be ready to leave the monastary. -Anu Kapoor Ya know, Fascism in moderation is pretty cool... -Anu Kapoor

Back to Java code. It's the future, or something. -Sam Kass Because without a degree you might end up like Bill Gates or something. -Sam Kass Being a Senior every year is fun. How many years in a row should I have my picture put in the yearbook? -Sam Kass Bill Gates is supposed to be some great techno-wizard. What, because he wrote a BASIC interpreter once in the late 70's? That and his child are the only things that Gates has actually created, and even with his child, I'm sure his wife did most of the work. -Sam Kass Does it seem weird to anyone else that church had to be cancelled today due to an act of God? Maybe He just wanted a day off or something. -Sam Kass HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whooo-hoo. Sorry. It's just that I've been doing a little too much Win32 development lately for my own good. -Sam Kass I am the Alpha and the Omega. The archgenesis and the destroyer of worlds. -Sam Kass I curse Microsoft at least once a day. I only curse Apple every other day. As I see it, that's a 100% improvement. -Sam Kass I found out a useful piece of information in High School physics. Vacuum doesn't suck. Everything else blows. -Sam Kass I like your cat, but I wouldn't want to be greedy, so I'll only take half. -Sam Kass I live in a dorm. I get drunk and wander around in my bathrobe throwing bottles. Most of the reason I'm still living on campus is the cooo-el network connections. -Sam Kass

I think the portion of grades that are due to pure luck is almost nil, if you disregard the luck that causes the surrounding circumstances. -Sam Kass Do you ever wonder whether someone like me is sitting in a missile silo somewhere thinking, "Life has gotten just a little TOO BORING." -Sam Kass I would like to try to persuade you not to write this book. Two previous posts have already cited examples of people who would kill for such a book, and I simply cannot condone the violence that such a book's release might ensue. -Sam Kass If I were to start the killing, I would be sure to do it in a remote, wide-open place or someone is likely to get hurt. -Sam Kass If I ever become a scandalous famous person, I'm going to start a diary, and write two hours of mindless drivel every evening, more if I can find the time, and force Congress to sift through it all. -Sam Kass It's buried under a pile of paper, which is more secure than Kerberos anyway. -Sam Kass IMHO, sleeping with someone is one thing. Going to a strip club once, the night before the wedding, seems irrelevent. I'm not clear on which. Or do you mean playing Warcraft II and hacking systems all night? Yeah, I could see how that could break up a relationship. -Sam Kass Life would be far more interesting if people could explode at will. -Sam Kass Now that IE is part of the OS, we can provide you with new features like system wide memory leaks and convoluted interfaces to previously straightforward tasks! -Sam Kass My Diet Plan: A Coke for breakfast, a Coke for lunch, and a sensible dinner... -Sam Kass

The movie to which I'm referring has the same name, but you seem to be referring to something called "character development", a concept that I do not remember from the movie in question, which dealt more with "character ass-kicking". -Sam Kass There is no CyberSpace, just a lot of people pretending. -Sam Kass Well, I promised I wouldn't do anything stupid, so now you have to do the same. Of course, what's stupid for me seems to be the opposite of what's stupid for you. -Sam Kass Double Latte Bolivian Mint Crack With a Touch of Angel Dust, Shaken not stirred. To Go. -Neal Katz A sinking ship gathers no moss. -Donald Kaul A crash is when your competitor's program dies. When your program dies, it is an 'idiosyncrasy.' -Guy Kawasaki If you need a flame-thrower instead of matches to jump-start your company, then something is wrong. -Guy Kawasaki Jolt is for Windows programmers. It goes in brown and comes out yellow. Mountain Dew is for Macintosh programmers: it goes in yellow and comes out yellow. -Guy Kawasaki Saying Windows is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming. -Guy Kawasaki Traditionally, Apple fellows came from the scientific academic or engineering world. They were made into fellows because of their intellectual prowess and visionary thinking. Then there's me. I was made a fellow to kick butt. -Guy Kawasaki

Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple his world. To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than against them is to attain literacy. -Alan Kay The only way to predict the future is to invent it. -Alan Kay What people mean by the word technology is anything invented after they were born. -Alan Kay i'm going to DESTROY YOU ALL!!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Yerin Kay ...let's see who can be the _first_ of you to stop, and I mean stop entirely. No parting shots. No defending yourselves. Just stop cold turkey. Walk away. -Doug Kaye It doesn't matter how much ice cream you add to manure; nobody will ever like it. However, if you add even the tinyest amount of manure to that ice cream... -Bill Kearney 'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,' - that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. -John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart's affection and the truth of imagination - what the imagination seizes as beauty must be truth - whether it existed before or not. -John Keats I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. -Garrison Keillor If tofu adds years to your life, they probably wouldn't be the best years. -Garrison Keillor Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature ... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -Helen Keller

I can't kill you, I have to be sick and demented and scary right now. -Lisa Kellner I'm a closet discordian...a pantry subgenius... -Lisa Kellner the world is your oyster, you know. it smells like seawater and it might clamp shut on your finger and inside there's a glob of something that's like a big living glob of snot, and maybe - if you're lucky! - a little deformed pearl. -Lisa Kellner You can't plonk me, i'm the gingerbread man!!! -Lisa Kellner People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it is not done in a graceful way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion. -H. Kendall Sure, if the idea of a protocol behaving like a rabid, diseased sex-crased bunny rabbit appeals to you. -H. Kendall the great enemy of truth is often not the lie --deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth -- persistent, persuasive and unrealistic -John F. Kennedy Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -John F. Kennedy Of those to whom much is given, much is required. -John F. Kennedy Washington is a city of southern efficiency and northern charm. -John F. Kennedy Each time a person stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, these ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance. -Robert F. Kennedy

There's a fine line between bad habits and style. -Chris Kent The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awwww". -Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent. -Jean Kerr People are very open-minded about new things -- as long as they're exactly like the old ones. -Charles F. Kettering Markets can remain irrational longer than you can remain solvent. -John Maynard Keynes As far as I am concerned, paranoia is nothing but heightened awareness. -Jameel al Khafiz The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters. -Genghis Khan Your presence is requested at your earliest convenience. Please be sure your earliest convenience is at 1pm. -Sher Khan All right, that's enough. Cut it out. Either play live or get the hell off the stage, you know. This isn't Solid Gold. -Kid Rock This ain't alt.angst.support, homeboy. Cold and inhumane revulsion is how we view the world, and how the world views us. -Kilroy

I do profess to be no less than I seem; to serve him truly that will put me in trust: to love him that is honest; to converse with him that is wise, and says little; to fear judgment; to fight when I cannot choose; and to eat no fish. -Kent, King Lear 1:4 For a great university one must provide football for the alumni, sex for the undergraduates and parking for the faculty. -Kerr's Rules for a Successful College ...sometimes a network is just a network... -Mitchell Kertzman History is full of revisionists. Where it used to say "THOU SHALT NOT KILL" it now says, "except as specified in section III-B, Paragraph 12, Sub-section D, Schedule 3." If that still doesn't suit you, wait till next year's commandments come out. -Jake Khuon ALPO is 99 cents a can. That's over SEVEN dog dollars!! -Jim Kimble Being purely coincidental runs in my family. -Florence King If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. -Martin Luther King, Jr. The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. -Martin Luther King, Jr. Through violence you may murder a murderer, but you can't murder murder. Through violence you may murder a liar, but you can't establish truth. Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can't murder hate. Darkness cannot put out darkness. -Martin Luther King, Jr. I have a cat named Trash. In the current political climate it would seem that if I were trying to sell him (at least to a Computer Scientist), I would not stress that he is gentle to humans and is self-sufficient, living mostly on field mice. Rather, I would stress that he is object-oriented. -Roger King

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. -Steven King I'm told I am dangerous because I might get in the way of this holy project we've undertaken to keep dropping heavy objects from the sky until we've wiped out every last person who could potentially hate us. -Barbara Kingsolver I'm an occupational hazard. -Richard Kinsey In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is not king, he is considered insane. -Richard Kinsey The only time i update my Netscape is when you tell me to, on the theory that at any other time it would plunge me into a world of darkness from which i might never return. -Richard Kinsey There's never time to do things right, only time to do things over. -Richard Kinsey ... but when you come to Heritage USA, remember to bring your Bible and your VISA card - because the Bible is the Holy Truth, and God doesn't take American Express. -Bruce Kirby experienced a moment of true Yuppie-dom last night as both my pager AND cellphone went off at the same time while I was driving, and in attempting to answer the cell and check the pager, I nearly spilled my Starbucks latte. If I'd been driving a Sports Utility Vehicle and/or wearing any article of clothing from the Gap, the horror would have been complete and I would have had to commit suicide. -Susan Kirby And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic. Just because there are a few hundred other people sharing your lunacy with you does not make you any saner. -Oleg Kiselev Campus politics are so vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. -Henry Kissinger

Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem. -Henry Kissinger The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. -Henry Kissinger There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -Henry Kissinger Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. -James Klass Hey...isn't there anything interesting to do around here? Ancient civilizations to crumble? Things to blow up? Daycare? -Kleg I thought I just heard on the radio that the House Procreations Committee was trying to decide how big the package should be. -Richard Klein There are times when panic is the appropriate response. -Eugene Kleiner Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die. -Klingon Proverb Commitment, n. Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, and the pig is committed. -Richard Knapp If you were to condense the best of the Web down to a single phrase, what would it be? What words capture the Internet's purest essence? No, not 'free porn'. -Greg Knauss This memo is to notify you that you are happy in your job. If you have any questions, please contact the Personnel office at extension x3088. Thank you. -Kevin Knight Hey, I could summon a demon to terrorize that church. How cool would that be? -Shawn Knight

But the three of them made the bad mistake of trying to offer the fan god some ramen. One should never ever offer any kind of god something like ramen -- they know better than to go near that stuff. As a result the god turned angry and began spitting out things. He demanded a sacrafice -- the cat! -Jennifer Knipper Chickens, like two-edged swords, often come home to roost. -Suzy Kohout I don't know if freezing cold lake breezes actually have the biological effect of reducing the effect of alchohol on the human body, or if it's a purely psychological effect. I think most men would describe "Hey! Where are my testicles? I can't feel 'em!" as a sobering thought. -Ian Konen It's not that I got it and didn't think it was funny. It's more that I was asleep when you said it. -Ian Konen Of course just because I am not bitter and miserable doesn't mean I don't want to get some guns and start killing. -Ian Konen When I do lose it, I'm going to make sure I do it in a post office just to screw up the statistics. -Kevin Kozicki Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. -Jonathan Kozol I believe that drugs are basically of more use to the audience than to the artist. I think that the illusion of oneness with the universe, and absorption with the significance of every object in your environment, and the pervasive aura of peace and contentment is not the ideal state for an artist. It tranquilizes the creative personality, which thrives on conflict and on the clash and ferment of ideas. The artist's transcendence must be within his own work; he should not impose any artificial barriers between himself and the mainspring of his subconscious. One of the things that's turned me against LSD is that all the people I know who use it have a peculiar inability to distinguish between things that are really interesting and stimulating and things that appear to be so in the state of universal bliss that the drug induces on a "good" trip. They seem to completely lose their critical faculties and disengage themselves from some of the most stimulating areas of life. Perhaps when everything is beautiful, nothing is beautiful. -Stanley Kubrick

What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive? -Irv Kupcinet In the wilderness your possessions cannot surround you. Your preconceptions cannot protect you. Your logic cannot promise you the future. Your guilt can no longer place you safely in the past. You are left alone each day with an immediacy that astonishes, chastens, and exults. You see the world as if for the first time -Lawrence Kushner It's funny though: rather than highlight the obscure British pacifists of the 1940s, you'd think they'd focus on the highest-profile pacifist of all time, Jesus, and his attempts to pitch pacifism to his fellow Jews in 30 A.D., when the Romans were regularly murdering chariot-loads of Jews. But heck, Jesus is a pretty popular guy now, so I can see why they wouldn't want to call him evil and immoral. -Paul Kvinta

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Unless we're talking about my Barbies. They used to capture my brother's GI Joe, tie him up & then take his stuff. -Karen Laake y'know, when everyone's wearing black, you really have to look before you randomly grab someone's butt. -Karen Laake Black's Law Dictionary defines "pro se" as "Appearing for oneself, as in the case of one who does not retain a lawyer and appears for himself in court." Judges define "pro se" as "idiot." -Jay Laefer The next new episode of Star Trek: Voyager will involve a "space carnivore" that "eats spaceships." -Jay Laefer The policy is no eating, not no food. -Jay Laefer Usenet may not be an infinite number of monkeys sitting at keyboards trying to create Shakespeare, but it's the closest thing we've got. -Jay Laefer Naturally, prosecutors pick up a lot of criminal vocabulary, especially in the drug trade, where criminal words for things are the only words there are; you can say, "He was holding a deck," or you can say, "He was holding a glassine envelope of a white powdery substance . . . alleged and believed to be heroin." Crack isn't usually packaged in vials anymore but in miniature heat-sealed plastic bags, which the dealers call "slabs." The official and legal term for them is "slabs" as well. To make a rule of this kind of exception would lead to indictments that read, "To wit, defendant did possess one mad fat rock of yayo." -Marcus Laffey Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -Hedy Lamar

There was a fever over the land. A fever of disgrace, of indignity, of hunger. We had a democracy, yes, but it was torn by elements within. There was, above all, fear. Fear of today, fear of tomorrow, fear of our neighbors, fear of ourselves. Only when you understand that can you understand what Hitler meant to us. Because he said to us: 'Lift up your heads! Be proud to be German! There are devils among us. Communists, Liberals, Jews, Gypsies! Once the devils will be destroyed, your miseries will be destroyed.' It was the old, old story of the sacrifical lamb. What about us, who knew better? We who knew the words were lies and worse than lies? Why did we sit silent? Why did we participate? Because we loved our country! What difference does it make if a few political extremists lose their rights? What difference does it make if a few racial minorities lose their rights? It is only a passing phase. It is only a stage we are going through. It will be discarded sooner or later. 'The country is in danger.' We will 'march out of the shadows.' 'We will go forward.' And history tells you how well we succeeded! We succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. The very elements of hate and power about Hitler that mesmerized Germany, mesmerized the world! We found ourselves with sudden powerful allies. Things that had been denied us as a democracy were open to us now. The world said go ahead, take it! Take Sudetenland, take the Rhineland remilitarize it - take all of Austria, take it! We marched forward, the danger passed. And then one day, we looked around and found we were in even more terrible danger. The rites began in this courtroom, swept over our land like a raging, roaring disease! What was going to be a passing phase became a way of life. -Burt Lancaster as Ernst Janning in Judgment at Nuremberg One person can make a very big difference. Most of the time, in fact, that's the only way very big differences ever get made. -Rob Landley By the way, if you ever consider getting involved in any area that requires knowledge of the symmetry of solids: just do yourself a favor and start flipping burgers. -Greg Landrum I've had bowls of spaghetti that were more tightly structured than this argument. -Anthony Lane Well in my opinion a battle never works according to plan. The plan is only a common base for changes. It's very important that everyone should know the plan, so you can change it easily... the modern battle is very fluid, and you have to make your decisions very fast -- and mostly not according to plan. But at least everybody knows where you're coming from, and where you're going to, more or less. -Gen Dan Laner, Israeli Defense forces commander, Golan Heights, 1973 It was bad. It was kissing-your-sister bad. -Kenard Lang

Wall Street pays a lot of attention to the Internet, but the Internet doesn't pay much attention to Wall Street. -Larry Lang I need to have some useful applications on there to suppress my nagging concience into believing I didn't just buy this machine to play Doom on. -Mark Lang If anyone had told me back then that getting back to embarrassingly primitive UNIX would be the great hope and investment obsession of the year 2008, merely because it's name was changed to LINUX and its source code was opened up again, I never would have had the stomach or the heart to continue in computer science. -Jaron Lanier goddammit, how come the only time i get quotefiled is when i mention penises? -Len Lanphar i wish my intestines were multithreaded -Len Lanphar If i kill my officemate, can one of you come to court and say I was in Cleveland or something at the time it happened? -Len Lanphar They should start bundling Clue with the linux kernel. -Len Lanphar I meet women who use punctuation all the time. Perhaps you're hanging around in the wrong places. -Nat Lanza I'm not carrying another goddamn body for you. Find someone else to carry it to that secret hole behind your fireplace. -Nat Lanza Iraq moves troops close to Syrian border and announces it is a military exercise. The U.S. moves Patriot missle outfit to Israel with some troops and announces it is a military exercise. My trainer told me that sometimes you can overdo the exercising. -Fred Lapides

When guns are outlawed, how will we handle frat boys? -Kurt Laughlin For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results, drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack. -Laundry instructions on a shirt If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him. -Anton LaVey The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. -Lynn Lavner All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible. -T. E. Lawrence consider your own movement on earth. Even if you are walking in a straight line, the earth itself is rotating about its axis and revolving around the sun, which in turn is revolving around the galaxy, which is in turn moving about the universe. So your true movement in space is nothing like a straight line. It is more like a Zig, a Zag, and then a Swirl. -Alfred Lawson If the enemy is in range, so are you. Incoming fire has the right of way. There is always a way. The easy way is always mined. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when you're ready for them, and when you're not ready for them. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. A 'sucking chest wound' is nature's way of telling you to slow down. If your attack is going well you have walked into an ambush. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. Remember, once you pull the pin, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer your friend. It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about, it's all those other ones labeled 'occupant'. -The Laws of Combat

There has never been a shortage of people willing to market something-for-nothing schemes to the gullible. Over the years, there have been perpetual motion machines, gizmos that you put in the fuel line to "magnetize" your gasoline and make your Eldorado get 50mpg, and end-to-end QoS schemes. -Irwin Lazar In England, the first book in the series was titled "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone," while American readers, unaccustomed to philosophy in their children's books, were treated to "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." -David Lazarus No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. -Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom It is one of the commonest of mistakes to consider that the limit of our power of perception is also the limit of all there is to perceive. -C.W. Leadbeater At first glance, there's a lot of sex on the Internet. Or not at first glance: Nobody can find anything on the Internet at first glance. -Senator Patrick Leahy The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. -Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project The drug war is fueled by the fact that at this historic moment, when American Liberalism and free enterprise have "won" the Cold War, our politicians are suffering from enemy deprivation. Faced with the real problems of urhan decay, slipping global competitiveness, and a deteriorating educational system, Washington has decided instead to turn its energies toward the 25 million Americans who use and traffic psychoactive drugs. -Timothy Leary There are doors that they won't go in and they don't want us to go in there either because they're afraid that if we do, we'll learn something that they don't know, and that makes us a little out of their control. -Timothy Leary I've just mastered the art of not laughing in someone's face as I apologize for just knocking them over. -Steve "Red Steve" Ledebur

If you're a 300 year old vampire, how come you're not on the guest list yet? -Steve Ledebur Oh - the Promise Keepers are forbidden from beating anybody ... but their wives. -Steve Ledebur You could call it "selling out". I prefer to call it "buying in". -Steve Ledebur Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money. -Leon Lederman It's only occurring to me now as I write this down, but it seems that cynicism and contempt may have actually helped me out of the worst acid trip I've ever had. Punk rock works! -Bob Lee Some people only attach value to things they have to pay for. This is the businessman's mindset. He believes in Money, with a capital M. It defines him, and his relationship with the world is interpreted in terms of the flow of cash. This is the work of Adam Smith's Invisible Hand, which has long been wedged up Adam Smith's Invisible Butt. -Jeremy Lee Art consists of inventing and not copying. -Fernand Lger The enemy must die, for if he does not, then he won't be dead. -from the LEGO WARS rules What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -Ursula Leguin Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat. -John Lehman The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability. -Tom Lehrer

If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever said it. -Tom Lehrer Many of the New York venture people come from an investment banking background. They're looking more at the decimals. The VCs in California are counting the commas. -Josh Leibowitz The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way... -Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Unless it's a Microsoft Power User Demon Program From Hell, most mac programs are easy to pick up without looking at manuals. -Laura Lemay On the Net, the words 'regulation' and 'Internet' are like matter and anti-matter: Put them together and you hear a loud boom, as libertarians fly in every direction, squawking furiously. -Andrew Leonard You can't beat the Net for beating off. -Andrew Leonard "Spooge" is an interesting new term for me! Sounds really yukky... -John Leong When two people love each other a very long time (six years or more), sometimes they kiss. And they kiss because they love each other. Sometimes, after they kiss, a stork comes and brings a little baby. Of course, if you've only been together for 3 months, you just knocked your girlfriend up because you didn't use a condom. Right? -Jamie Lerner But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" You know it's Unix when the backspace key often performs an action other than deleting the character to the left of the cursor. -Raph Levien

Playing on the edge means being willing to go into the unknown. It means approaching that place where real growth occurs. -Stephen Levine A small case of mood poisoning... must have been something I hate. -Eli Levitt, Wild Palms good. be a futurist, will you, and go get in your car, go tearing down the road way too fast, run up to him and slap him? you can say something like "art waits for no pants, bonbon!" at the end if you want. -Sean Levy there is no accounting for taste. there isn't even a budget for it. -Sean Levy I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me. -Monica Lewinsky discussing weight loss on Larry King Live Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. -C. S. Lewis Remember that all worlds draw to an end and that noble death is a treasure which no one is too poor to buy. -C.S. Lewis There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. ... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and pertubations of love is Hell. -C.S. Lewis As long as you don't sport a goalie mask and wander around screaming: "WOMEN! WOMEN! Why have you forsaken me?" I don't consider you psycho. -Jenn Lewis You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough. -Joe Lewis

and the fist of darwin shall smite thy stupid ass -Marcy Lewis This sounds really kewl, but i dont have a kittycan i substitute stupid end users? -Marcy Lewis If you believe that mathematician Andrew Wiles' proof of Fermat's last theorem has caused you or a member of your family to dress too provocatively, call (800) 555-9455. -Mark Leyner History shall confirm or deny our success. -Libertis mission statement I was clever today. I went sledding. Except I don't have a sled, so my butt is very cold. -Jena Barchas Lichtenstein Freedom of the press belongs to those who own one. -A. J. Liebling Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime. -G. Gordon Liddy Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? -G. Gordon Liddy During this period, US world hegemony has often been exercised-sometimes benignly, sometimes arrogantly-in a generally lazy, half-hearted, absent-minded way. One key reason for this is that as every US opinion poll and election has shown, the great majority of Americans, while proud of their "world leadership," are also profoundly uninterested in the details of its implementation. And the reason for this is that until 8.45am on September 11th 2001, very few Americans believed in their hearts that anything the rest of the world could do could seriously harm them. -Anatol Lieven The tragedy of this world is that no one is happy, whether stuck in a time of pain or of joy. The tragedy of this world is that everyone is alone. For a life in the past cannot be shared with the present. Each person who gets stuck in time gets stuck alone. -Alan Lightman

Actually, the point of the National Zoo is to imprison animals for the amusement of sweating Iowans who have come 1500 miles to learn that the fucking pandas are not available for viewing. You want to jog, go to Rock Creek Park, where the aroma of steaming primate offal is replaced by fresh car exhaust. Be sure to gesture obscenely at the cabs, in case they contain tourists. If all works as planned, tourism will drop to zero, and we can all play squash unhindered in the National Archives rotunda. -James Lileks As far as pizza goes, New Yorkers rise to new levels of delusion on this score. What they call pizza has all the flavor of a manhole cover marinated in brine and topped with three atoms of sauce and a smear of cheese-flavored spackle. When I'm in New York, I call Dominos. And I call the one in Dupont Circle. -James Lileks DC couture is notoriously ordinary, as though they have a wedding at five, a funeral at six, and have dressed for the mean. It's because women do serious work here. New York women dress in case they will be photographed. DC women dress in case they have to testify. -James Lileks I'll grant that New York bagels are superb. Locals claim it's because of the New York City water; it imparts some special flavor. I know what it is: Plutonium. In 1984 the Times reported that trace levels of plutonium had been found in local water; I was there that year, and remember the bagels as especially delicious. That's why DC bagels are inferior: they use flavors to cover up the use of substandard ingredients, like uranium." -James Lileks New Yorkers never look up anyway. Tilt the head back more than 35 degrees and you might as well hang a RUBE sign around your neck. If King Kong showed up today on the Empire State building, only German tourists would notice. New Yorkers would notice only after the rotting body of the dead ape was starting to overwhelm the smell of uncollected restaurant trash. -James Lileks So the District of Columbia is nicer compared to New York. Eva Braun was probably nicer than Messalina. So? No one lives in either city because it's nice. You live in this part of the country to make money, crush your inferiors, flatter your betters, and because the dry cleaners around here are good at getting out blood and adrenalin. You want to smell trees? Go to Minnesota. Which, incidentally, is what I did. I can snipe at everyone from here. -James Lileks

When the remodelling contractor points out that Rome wasn't built in a day, it is necessary to point out that Rome was, eventually, built. -James Lileks I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Oops. -Tripp Lilley Do you know about the Eleventh Commandment? It says, "Thou shalt not bore God, or he will destroy your universe." -John Lilly The way to gain security, the way to hold onto our security, is to expand our freedom, and to affirm that that's what this country is all about. -Rush Limbaugh To constrict freedom in the interest of security is to slowly erode the very foundation on which the country is built. -Rush Limbaugh In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock. -Harry Lime, The Third Man Any man can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln Avoid popularity if you would have peace. -Abraham Lincoln Prohibition... goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded. -Abraham Lincoln The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use. -Abraham Lincoln

The world will little note nor long remember what we say here. -Abraham Lincoln, The Gettysburg Address Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -Abraham Lincoln The ghetto has no exit. -Natalia Lincoln There are two rules for success: 1) never tell everything you know. -Roger H. Lincoln Speed costs money. How fast do you want to go? -John Lingenfelter It has been suggested that the Internet might be a good way to vote for our elected officials. If my experience is any guide, though, it appears there are still a few bugs to be worked out before you'll be able to elect the next President while sitting at home in your underwear, unless you want Kid Rock running the country. -John Linnell Well, way back last semester, some one claiming to be a vampire said that his species was first generated by someone drinking the blood of a dragon. Let me just say right now that this does not work. I've seen many humans try it over the years and none of them became a vampire. The only result they achieved was an angry dragon. And an angry dragon is not something you want to see (or so the survivors told me as they apologized). I refuse to claim to be a vampire and I refuse to understand why any human should want to do so. It is useless. -Ken Lipka I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. -the Litany Against Fear, Dune

In one, Rice vs. Cayetano, the court invalidated a Hawaiian voting scheme with the very principled determination that native Hawaiians -- unlike Native Americans -- don't deserve special protection. Don't miss the heartbreaking last paragraph: "When the culture and way of life of a people are all but engulfed by a history beyond their control, their sense of loss may extend down through generations." (And here I paraphrase:) "Oh well. It sucks to be them." -Dahlia Lithwick For the LAST TIME, I am not the ruler of the underworld. I told Satan and Ba'alzebub that, and I don't have time to keep telling it to penny ante fallen angels. Now stop bothering me and go back to hell or wherever you came from. -Mark Lively I'm sorry, I can't have an adventure right now, my Deus ex Machina is in the shop for repairs. -Mark Lively i think i'm allergic to evil, maybe that's it. -Abby Logsdon No you don't... you are just confused. Don't worry, I am confused all the time. Trust me, you get used to it. -Krys Logston actually, he's probably using batmail, which is way cooler because it prints out a little picture of a bat and not everyone knows how to use it. -Brian Long You make some breaks and you get some breaks. You don't get lucky unless you ask. -Brian Long i don't think you could flame a weener-dog if i gave you a stack o' briquettes, some lighter fluid, and a small incendiary device. -Brian Long Homework is bad. Going home is bad. -Darrell Long It's all right; I have to sign his thesis. -Darrell Long

Run time checking is for wimps. Just give me a core dump, I'll figure it out. -Darrell Long You should break a programmer's fingers if they do this. -Darrell Long on self modifying code You're a catholic, for christ's sake! You're not supposed to be lenient. -Darrell Long discussing nuking things 'til they glow should remind us that war is always a negativesum game. Anyone who believes that it's zero-sum may wish to check the ingredients list on their Koolaid. -Dave Long Natural laws have no pity -Lazarus Long Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -Lazarus Long Cutting her throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. -Lazarus Long C code and bboards are my only food; I forsake all others, except for leaves from the Bodhi tree and water sipped from the bladder of a goat. -Nathan Loofborrow Clockers: The story of two brothers torn apart by murder... and by their brand spanking new color PowerMac they use to surf the World Wide Web! -Nathan Loofborrow I have also learned my lesson. When the MessagePad says, "your batteries are running low", it secretly means "You will replace my batteries NOW, or I will subject you to an endless series of panic-inducing restarts and crash hard, taking all of your appointments with me unless you were lucky enough to store them on the pcmcia card. Wanna find out what it feels like to not have any idea who is expecting to meet with you or what they're expecting you to have done by then, RAT BOY?" -Nathan Loofborrow

I had not truly experienced pop culture, and therefore had not truly understood the goal of all civilization to this day, until I heard Cher sing the phrase, "I've got yours, and Butthead, you've got mine." -Nathan Loofborrow Eeyore is trying to tell me something along the lines of "You used to have balls back when you actually SENT snotty email to Justin Bieber, instead of just talking about it." -Nathan Loofborrow See, I am just a frustrated artist. The sex urge feeds into the art urge which feeds into the computing urge. So I have a need to program a ray tracer to fulfill the previous two levels of abstration. -Nathan Loofborrow sending email is always a sign of courage. -Nathan Loofborrow So I saw Alive, pretty cool movie. My review is "Hmm. Tastes kinda like chicken." -Nathan Loofborrow Taco Bell... Walk, do not run, for the border. -Nathan Loofborrow Everything you see I owe to spaghetti. -Sophia Loren Oh, so you're defending yourself, you coward! -Peter Lorre We're not going to review the results of 2006. The results speak for themselves. And we're not going to recount the fairly remarkable progress that we've made over the past five years. Our past performance isn't something to dwell on. It's something to build on. -Microsoft Development annual meeting brochure The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age. -H. P. Lovecraft

Software Engineering is a contact sport. -Dan Lovinger Some people have compared the security holes in this system to a hole the size that a 747 could fly through. By now, I would imagine it's up in the range of Star Destroyer class. -Dan Lovinger I get a lot of letters like, 'Dear John, I've got a dead alien. What should I do with it?' One word: barbecue! -Jon Lovitz, phone book commercial Would you be terribly upset if I told you that there may possibly be... GUNS... in... the trunk? -Jon Lovitz, Trapped In Paradise Thank you for your total obedience and heartfelt submission. -Clifford Low War is human nature, as is murder and random violence. Trying to revise human nature is the direction of our age to some degree, but it's stupid. The current trend is to suppress or "safely channel" the human need to destroy, maim, and kill. It's about as sensible towards violence as the Victorian era was about sex. Let's have a rennaisance of Free Hate to supplement Free Love. -Clifford Low What we see depends on mainly what we look for. -John Lubbock All the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are built at all, are dogs. -David E. Lundstrom We all are milliseconds from death. It could be lots and lots of milliseconds, but milliseconds nonetheless. -Dave Lustig I have always found music during sex to be exceptionally difficult as I can never concentrate on sex AND playing the guitar at the same time. My ex played the drums and this meant that we just couldn't get comfortable in any position where sex was possible and she could still reach the drums. So we gave up. -lxd@robin.cs.nott.ac.uk

Diversity in interfaces is the only way to protect ourselves. Well, that and small caliber handguns, but only if we can actually track down the perpetrators. -Dan Lyke This isn't to say that there aren't advantages for developments such as Los Angeles. Concentrating the types of people who actually LIKE smog-filled valleys, non-native foliage and awful sprawling suburbs near fault lines is maybe a good thing. -Dan Lyke Who needs a computer when you've got balls? -Des Lynam In fact, we would invest in broadband carrier pigeons if someone could find a way for them to deliver two gigabits into the home. -Bruce Lynn, group manager, network solutions, Microsoft

quotes: m
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. -General Douglas MacArthur Yours is the profession of arms, the will to win, the sure knowledge that in war there is no substitute for victory, that if you lose, the nation will be destroyed, that the very obsession of your public service must be duty, honor, country. -General Douglas MacArthur No war ought ever to be undertaken but under circumstances which render all intercourse of courtesy between the combatants impossible. It is a bad thing that men should hate each other; but it is far worse that they should contract the habit of cutting one another's throats without hatred. War is never lenient but where it is wanton; when men are compelled to fight in self-defence, they must hate and avenge: this may be bad; but it is human nature. -Thomas B. Macaulay, "Milford's History of Greece" A motorcycle is a combination of pony, blow dryer, and vibrator - perfect for girls of all ages. -Colin MacDonald After riding a motorcycle, riding a car is like riding a living room. Except Claudia's car, which is like riding your crazy grandmother's attic. -Colin MacDonald Don't burn your bridges while you're standing on them. -Colin MacDonald Gee, hopefully I'll be less drunk this time so I can remember what I did. -Colin MacDonald If you're a Mac user who depends on fonts for your work, you probably fall into one of two categories (we hesitate to say types): You don't even pretend to understand the Mac's font architecture and you have a difficult time managing your typefaces, or you're an experienced user with a thorough understanding of the Mac's font architecture and you have a difficult time managing your typefaces. -MacUser

It is a common failing of man not to take account of tempests during fair weather. -Machiavelli It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to managment than the creation of a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old institution and merely lukewarm defenders in those who gain by the new ones. -Machiavelli Being rich isn't about money. Being rich is a state of mind. Some of us, no matter how much money we have, will never be free enough to take time to stop and eat the heart of the watermelon. And some of us will be rich without ever being more than a paycheck ahead of the game. -Harvey B. Mackay, There comes a time in the history of any project when it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and begin production. -MacUser, November 1990 Called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms regional office and asked, "What wine goes best with an M-16?" The guy who answered did his best to be helpful: "That depends. What are you smoking?" -Michael Maciolek If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. -James Madison A unix signature isn't a return address, it's the ASCII equivalent of a black velvet clown painting. It's a rectangle of carets surrounding a quote from a literary giant of weeniedom like Heinlein or Dr. Who. -Chris Maeda Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except those that just don't add up. -James Magary I notice that on each box, there is the phrase "Baked by authority of Girl Scouts of the USA." I suddenly picture a little girl scout handing someone a big rolled doobie and saying, "Here you go. You have my permission to smoke it." -Jeff Magnuson

I have a headache this big, and it has a boot to the head written all over it. -Jeff Magnuson I thought they stuck with their call letters - WHFS (White Heroin addicts From Seattle)? -Jeff Magnuson I've heard so much Green Day that I've got dookie coming out my ears. -Jeff Magnuson Step one: Pour gin in a glass. Step two: Drink gin. Step three: Repeat 15 times. -Jeff Magnuson That was so funny, I just shot milk out my nose. Which is strange, because I am not drinking milk right now. -Jeff Magnuson Well, the real question is when is Karen going to get a cool tattoo on her butt? -Jeff Magnuson Why don't you come over to my place? I've got a bathtub full of MAYONAISE! -Jeff Magnuson You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. -Naguib Mahfouz Yellow and blue make green... thanks, next you're going to tell me that red and blue make purple. Wonderful. -Paolo Malabuyo 'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds. -Malaclypse the Younger There are plans afoot to connect every teenager in the US to the internet by the year 2010. Most of these, considered as individual units, are barely able either to understand or to write a coherent English paragraph, yet aggregrate them them into one vast world wide parallel computational soup and it's almost impossible to underestimate what they might achieve. -Chris Malcolm

I'll get the implanted cellphone. With an answering machine for when I'm out of my head. -David Malcolm As for two years from now... who knows where it'll be. I think we'll ideally be doing a lot of the same stuff, but maybe with spell checking. -Rob Malda Let me just say that it is super wierd throwing your own bash at a conference instead of just leeching off everyone else's, but hey, free beer, right? -Rob Malda We're people just like you who happen to be huge and muscle-bound and own a truck. -Mambo Movers slogan Hell! HELL!! I'VE WORKED IN THE COMP CENTER FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS!!! HELL WOULD SEEM LIKE CLUB MED!!!! -Dean Mancine Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our darkness that most frightens us. -Nelson Mandela We ask ourselves--Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. -Nelson Mandela Because of the subtlety of differences within the same range of styles, it took more time to fathom other people than it does to read their philosophical bottom lines, so to speak, on their pants, buttons, caps or T-shirts. To probe candidates for friendship and other intimacies, one had to talk to them, which is unquestionably less efficient than it is to look around a room, decide, "They're all jerks," and go home and play computer games. -Miss Manners Her other recommendation, which also applies equally to conventional weddings, is actually at odds with the unfortunate current practices of society as a whole. That is to plan the occasion remembering that its purpose is not to show off your love for each other, but to establish yourselves as a public and dignified unit in the society in which you move. -Miss Manners If it's against state law, it's generally considered a breach of Etiquette. -Miss Manners

Miss Manners does not recommend anyone's inviting society as a whole to any social event. Society as a whole doesn't approve of anything. -Miss Manners Miss Manners is not quite so naive as to believe that love produces any agreement of views after that first rapturous discovery that both people like movies and the outdoors. -Miss Manners There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. -Miss Manners You can take a pile of rocks and use them to build a house, or you can take the same pile and start a war. Tell children not to throw rocks, make rules against picking up rocks, and then make mad. Keep projecting what not to do and you make the thought in their brains of what can and will be done. -Charles Manson the internet is the trailer park for the soul -Marilyn Manson I was 15. She was punk. D.R.I. was playing "Dead in a Ditch" and our friends were waiting for us in a nearby park (we went out to get the cold malt liquor). As we bonded in the backseat of her Honda, I told her I loved her. She said "Don't ruin it". -mantid@morphine.neuron.net A revolution is not a dinner party. -Mao Tse Tung If and when the Feds get special authority (and exemptions from the Bill of Privileges) to go after terrorists, we will be absolutely amazed to find out just how many terrorists there are in this country. Thousands, maybe millions-- at least one under every bed and several behind every bush. -Ted Marcus

There are only two things of importance. One is the customer, and the other is the product. If you take care of customers, they come back. If you take care of your product, it doesn't come back. It's just that simple. And it's just that difficult. -Stanley Marcus Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -Marin Paper TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? -Mark 8:36 I find it very disturbing that you people know how to use my penis better than I do. -Tatia Markland When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him _whose_? -Don Marquis A true capitalist fights with their wallet. A true anarchist fights with the opponents' wallet -Jessica Marrell I don't use computers like I don't give myself enemas - they're both occasionally useful, and I know how to do them both, but really, I could just go stub my toe for the fun of it. -Jessica Marrell There is a differerence between being different and being new, a difference between questioning social customs and just being rude, a difference between being daring and simply breaking rules. Most people do not understand this difference. It makes them easy to tell them apart. -Jessica Marrell You need to understand... no... wait... you don't... -Jessica Marrell Post mortem debugging can be fun, especially when you get to see the victim die over and over again in slow motion! -Greg Marriott Fiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale. -Gabriel Garcia Marquez

It is not enough to fight. It is the spirit which we bring to the fight that decides the issue. It is morale that wins the victory. -General George Catlett Marshall, "Military Review" On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -Martin, age 10 You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but fooling Usenet doesn't take much time at all. -Kevin Martin He's got a neon sign above his head that says 'asshat'. -Mecal Martin Communication has changed so rapidly in the last 20 years, it's almost impossible to predict what might occur even in the next decade. E-mail, which now sends data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light, has replaced primitive forms of communication such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light. Let's suppose that you want to say, "I am a jerk." In the 18th century, you would have to go around person to person and utter the phrase individually to each one of them. However, here in the third millennium, with our advances in telephone communication, it is possible to say, "I am a jerk" to a thousand people at a time by forgetting to turn off your cell phone and having it ring during a performance of "Death of a Salesman." -Steve Martin The dogma of the church was challenged in the mid-17th-century by Renee Descartes's famous pronouncement "Cogito ergo sum" ("I am nervous about having to add"), and the age of rationalism began. Rationalism then gave way to empiricism, and David Hume declared that it was impossible to know if anything existed at all, though later he recanted when he stubbed his toe on a doorjamb. -Steve Martin Bring Captain Solo and the stock options to me. -Dan Martinez But perhaps it's unfair to berate Microsoft for little shortcomings like these. Clearly, they had weightier issues to grapple with. Who's got time to do usability testing when you're struggling to empower your users with the ability to surround text with a border of animated flashing marquee lights, Las Vegas style? -Dan Martinez

But while we're on the subject of file formats, let's pause for a moment in frank admiration of the way in which Microsoft brazenly built backward-incompatibility into its product. By initially making it virtually impossible to maintain a heterogenous environment of previous systems, Microsoft offered its customers that most eloquent of arguments for upgrading: the delicate sound of a revolver being cocked somewhere just out of sight. -Dan Martinez Crafty weasel-like hedging? From moi? You don't say. -Dan Martinez Dear Nigerian Spammers, Thank you for your recent note, which I shall treasure as much for its blatantly forged headers as for its inept use of the English language and carefree disregard for hoary, hidebound, established conventions of legible formatting or coherent punctuation. -Dan Martinez Do not meddle in the affairs of Win32, for it is subtle, and quick to anger. -Dan Martinez Dude, your company is teetering on the very BRINK of technological RELEVANCE. Now is not the time to make feeble sport of the company whose BOOTED HEEL is at your THROAT. -Dan Martinez Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dan, and I'll be your designated ranter for the evening. Flying spittle is one of the risks of attending a live performance, so you may wish to shield yourselves with your dessert menus. -Dan Martinez have I ever told you how much more authoritative and convincing your arguments sound when you sprinkle them liberally with expletives? No, really. I'm just so completely won over by the forcefulness and lucidity of your rhetoric. -Dan Martinez Hey! Anyone for another round of "Reinstall Service Pack 4"? -Dan Martinez Hey, man -- if there's one thing we need more of around here, it's enough rope to hang ourselves with. -Dan Martinez

I could have sharp, bony projections sprouting from my body at all angles, reek of sulphur and brimstone, and sport a tongue pocked with the occasional eyeball; I'd still be able to get geek dates as long as I was female. -Dan Martinez I don't buy the notion that Tomb Raider was a hit because of Lara Croft's unusually large, um... polygon count. -Dan Martinez Either way, I'd guess that knowledge of the contents could probably get me arrested in several states. -Dan Martinez Yeah, yeah. Glass houses and all that. Pot. Kettle. Your mama. -Dan Martinez I have been placed upon this Earth to torment you. YOU.... -Dan Martinez I haven't yet decided whether the blame for this arrangement belongs to Netscape or to Apple, as could be inferred from the fact that no one's been seriously injured for it yet. -Dan Martinez I hope we will pull into San Franciso with a truck full of guns and hearts full of hate. -Dan Martinez I don't know whether to be really pleased, or to succumb to the feeling of impending disaster and of tampering with unholy forces that always attends tinkering with the Registry. -Dan Martinez I no longer wish to destroy an inanimate object. I wish to murder it. -Dan Martinez I think that your faith in the wisdom of Congress is grossly misplaced. Don't forget that this is the same body which said, while proudly passing the PATRIOT and USA acts, "We're going to replace the fine toilet tissue we normally use with the U.S. Constitution. Let's wipe our asses and see if the Supreme Court notices." -Dan Martinez

I'd hesitate to accuse anyone of being outright corrupt, but I'll admit that I'm probably not going to expect a hard, searching look at all things Microsoft from magazines with names like "Windows Sources" and "Windows Computing" When you have the name of a company's product in your title, and every other product you review requires that company's product in order to be useful, you probably don't need to do a spectrographic analysis to figure out which side your bread's buttered on. All of the above notwithstanding, Ziff-Davis as a corporate entity is so far down your pants that they need to run a pressurized air hose down there just to breathe. -Dan Martinez I'm not sure what kind of career path one can look forward to as a nomadic cityvaporizing lunatic, but it's got to be worth a try. -Dan Martinez And the LORD spake unto them, saying, 'Partake not of the fruits of the Xing player, for its keys are not encrypted in accordance with the licensing agreement; it is an abomination.' -Dan Martinez If your spirit has become karmically burdened with the belief that obvious wire work somehow detracts from rather than contributes to the enjoyment of a Hong Kong film, you are not merely unready to leave the temple, but in imminent danger of being forcibly confined to your cell. -Dan Martinez Ignore me. I'm raving. If you put me under glass and pumped out all the air right now, I'd burn for a thousand years. I am full of hate, and it's got nothing to do with you. Nothing to see here. Move along. -Dan Martinez It could be argued that I know slightly less about what it means to be in a healthy longterm relationship than your average monkey does about what it feels like to drown in quicksand. -Dan Martinez It was like watching a first-year film student's halfhearted attempt at a satire of superspy movies, except that he had an unlimited budget courtesy of his insane rich uncle, and editing courtesy of the strung-out smack-addict roommate he felt vaguely sorry for. I think we were also hoping against hope for something to happen that would make it all worthwhile, or at least make sense. Maybe Uma Thurman would shed her human skin -Dan Martinez

It's incidents like these which serve to reinforce my conviction that if Khruschev and Kennedy had had e-mail during the Cuban Missile Crisis, we wouldn't be sitting here speculating about it. -Dan Martinez Jesus Christ, will you east coasters GET TO BED?!? -Dan Martinez Join Computing Services! Good pay! Flexible hours! No adult supervision! -Dan Martinez Messing with the user's expectations of the CD user interface isn't a good way of demonstrating your hip, iconoclastic sensibilities. It isn't a good way of demonstrating anything, really, except maybe what a complete bunch of self-indulgent fucktoids you are. -Dan Martinez Must... restrain... condescending Unix user fist of death! -Dan Martinez Nicely put. However, as any anally retentive person will happily tell you, "anal-retentive" takes a hyphen. -Dan Martinez You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookiee to me. -Dan Martinez Perl is the crystal meth of programming: it's so incredibly useful when you need to do a large amount of work in a small amount of time that you tend to overlook the fact that it's basically precipitating the implosion of your vital organs. -Dan Martinez Speaking of flaming assholes: there have been a number of times, most of them experienced while I watched or listened to the news, when I heard about one factional squabble or another, and thought, "These people don't really disagree. They've just been caught up in their own rhetoric. If a neutral party were to step in and explain each side's point of view to the other, they'd see that they have more similarities than differences." I've sometimes fancied myself as that third party: objective, reasonable, tolerant, able to portray each group's goals in terms which the other would understand and find acceptable... So it's something of an eye-opener to realize that, no, the problem is in fact not one of terminology at all: the man's potato has simply been baking too long. -Dan Martinez

Suddenly, I'm unable to shake visions of Stormtroopers in bell-bottomed combat armor, Imperial Officers wearing big, ugly gold medallions, Grand Moff Tarkin ordering the obliteration of planets from his hot tub, and the Death Star as a moon-sized disco globe from my mind. And it's not even 9:00 pm. Gad. -Dan Martinez That tinkling sound in the background -- that's the sound of my whole little world shattering -Dan Martinez That's all there is to it! Wasn't that fun? We sure hope so, because you're going to have to do it EVERY SINGLE TIME you want to modify a style! Oh, we know. You can hardly wait. We can see you trembling with excitement now. Did the vein in your temple always throb like that? -Dan Martinez That'd be cool. Unfortunately, being a hapless loser, I chose to pursue computer science, instead of doing the manly thing and learning to drive big rigs at the Diesel Institute. -Dan Martinez The idea that we're governed by some larger intelligence when we crowd together in sufficient numbers would certainly explain a lot, though. Nazism. Woodstock. The Macarena. -Dan Martinez The repeated juxtaposition of "salary" and "penis length" has evoked in me an irrational but persistent anticipation that someone is going to make a post announcing how many inches they make in a year. -Dan Martinez The sibilant succession surmising "sixty-six satellites" sounded somewhat silly. -Dan Martinez The world's various religions are just beginning their research into Clerical Acceleration, and it will be a number of years before they can even begin to consider reaching nearluminal velocities. This is a shame, since it means that a number of tantalizing theories must remain little more than speculation at this point, and a number of fundamental questions go unanswered. For instance, if a Catholic priest's speed were to come close to that of light, and it were Sunday in his frame of reference, would he in fact approach infinite Mass? -Dan Martinez explains relativistic morality

If this is not your answer, please administer yourself one dope slap, so as to spare me the time and expense of cross-country travel. Then rearrange things so that it is your answer. -Dan Martinez You are talking about the Count Dracula of the computing world. The tree large enough that a stake capable of killing COBOL could be fashioned from its trunk has not yet grown anywhere upon the face of this verdant planet. -Dan Martinez You're Grand Moff Berkun -- Grand Moff Tarkin's younger and much shrewder cousin, who was quietly building a power base in an outlying sector while his brutish relative was getting himself and Emperor Palpatine's expensive hardware blown to atoms at Yavin Four. -Dan Martinez You're right, of course. Let's get back to the order of the day: petty bickering! -Dan Martinez You're thinking of Captain Pedantic's faithful sidekick, Kid Sphincter. Not to be confused with Buttboy, who appeared alongside Pedantic and Sphincter in an eight-issue limited series, but was never made into a regular character. -Dan Martinez Well, on the one hand I feel as though I might be perilously close to encouraging the birth of some kind of cult of personality or something. On the other hand, I'm a shameless egowhore, so... sure. -Dan Martinez What's that application, you ask? What obscure, rogue, poorly-written, backwater hack could fail to interact properly to an interface setting built into the operating system itself? Why, it's Visual C++. -Dan Martinez Windows CE, while storing dates as 64-bit quantities, uses a minimum tick size of 100 nanoseconds, and starts counting from some point in the 1600s -- I'm guess that to be the inception of the Gregorian calendar. CE dates are therefore "only" good for approximately fifty thousand years. I'm going to go on record as saying that if there are any CE devices still in existence at that point, they will all be under glass, in museums, and the bulk of their internals will long since have rotted into uselessness as a consequence of metal migration. (And if I'm wrong, you may wander over to my severed head, floating in its amniotic tank at the Hall of Oddities, and say "Neener, neener, neener".) -Dan Martinez

Microsoft has at last succeeded in reproducing in the Windows arena an upgrade so vile, so utterly beyond accomodation, that users will go digging through their attics in search of the media needed to install the previous version. -Dan Martinez I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -Groucho Marx These are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. -Groucho Marx Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana. -Groucho Marx Capital is dead labor that, vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labor, and lives the more, the more labor it sucks. -Karl Marx, Das Capital You're free to be as much of an asshole as you wish -- as long as I'm not paying for it. -Todd Masco France has culture but no civilization. England has civilization but no culture. The United States has neither. Canada has both. -Robin Mathews The Air Force pinned a medal on me for killing a man and discharged me for making love to one. -Leonard Matlovich ...what's the point of making non-addictive drugs illegal? If anything which alters the mental state of the individual is to be illegal in case he's unable to function in society, can we have a ban on religion please? -mathew@mantis.co.uk If a child, an untrained person, an ignorant person, or an insane person incites trouble, it is the fault of authority for not predicting and preventing that trouble. -Paul Maud'Dib, Dune

My father once told me that respect for the truth comes close to being the basis for all morality. 'Something cannot emerge from nothing,' he said. This is profound thinking if you understand how unstable 'the truth' can be. -Paul Maud'Dib, Dune What do you despise? By this you are truly known. -Paul Maud'Dib, Dune Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -W. Somerset Maugham Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. -W. Somerset Maugham If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too. -W. Somerset Maugham In this world of sin and sorrow if virtue triumphs over vice it is not because it is virtuous, but because it has bigger and better guns -W. Somerset Maugham, Then and Now It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. -W. Somerset Maugham The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. -W. Somerset Maugham There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -W. Somerset Maugham I've decided that the dinosaurs weren't killed by a giant asteroid. My new theory is that the facilities staff just decided they were too difficult to maintain. -Michael Mauldin What I used to able to pass off as another bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life. -Max, Kicking & Screaming

Before we go on, a word to the wise. What we're suggesting here is that you install parts of a development-level, unsupported operating system and install them onto a similarbut-not-identical, still-in-beta operating system. This is frighteningly close to the thin line that separates geekery and madness. If you run into trouble, we'd be interested to know just how long it would take Apple to quit laughing at you before they told you they couldn't help. -maximumlinux.com Being condescending and rude is appropriate when an argument is so pointless and stupid that one needs that "extra special edge" to win. -Justin Maxwell History! Tradition! Culture! These are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as PAPERWEIGHTS! -Marvin Mayflower, "Hudson Hawk" 'Ben-Gay' now comes is an Extra Strength variety. "Always check first." -Paul Mazaitis Cats are essentially narcissistic masochists. -Paul Mazaitis Childish as it may be, line three gives us more clues to the rhyme scheme of our fledging work. This turn of events safely rules out a Sicilian Sonnet (abababab cdecde/cdcdce), the sonetto rispetto (ababccdd efgefg/efefef), and the English Sonnet (ababcdcdefefgg). The Spencerian Sonnet (abab bcbc cdcd ee) is also ruled out, because they suck to write. -Paul Mazaitis destroy destroy. stand up. walk around -Paul Mazaitis I KNOW you, sir. I have SEEN you TRAIPSE on the FIELDS of the APACAPSE. I have WATCHED you BEACH your BOAT on the BRANDED SANDS of the ISLE MOTAG. I have FELT the ANGELS BLEEDING, their SOILED SWEAT landing with a TRICKLE upon your UNFETTERED BROW. I have TASTED the BLACK GUM you have left on our SWEET STREETS in your MAD CHASE for the next SPEED BUMP. With my LEFT HAND I have USHERED IN this AGE, and with my RIGHT, this BURRITO. I. KNOW. YOU. -Paul Mazaitis

I'd also like to say that I'm sick of hearing about guns. Guns guns guns. Will you people get some sex or something? -Paul Mazaitis If I end up buying these CDs because of this, I'm gonna slap you so hard you'll think I ended this sentence with something clever. -Paul Mazaitis New For Spring on NBC's Wednesday 'Must See TV' lineup: _Idealist at Heart_, the wacky adventures of cynical Gen X'ers struggling to find some semblance of intelligent management in corporate America. -Paul Mazaitis People are stupid. ALL THE TIME. -Paul Mazaitis The distance between Heaven and Hell is measured not in miles but in moments. -Paul Mazaitis This is, of course, too beautiful for me to put into context. -Paul Mazaitis We looked at the programs and the parties, and they're all the same, only with different famous people, and they're all the same as well. You aren't going to look back on this in twenty years. There's no ideal place to be. Well, except maybe Natalie Portman's lap. -Paul Mazaitis You can fool some of the people some of the time, the rest are fooling themselves. -Thomas McBride You need an exit strategy to be able to walk away a winner, and today, mine was realized.... Effective today at midnight, I have resigned from America Online Inc. in order to spend money, race motorcycles, and drink scotch. I am, at age 27.85, retired. It's the American Dream, but with less full frontal nudity and more political undertones -Hal McCabe, in his goodbye e-mail Yoda wouldn't hear of it. He was insistent that he work with Frank Oz again if we wanted him back. He told us, "Frank Oz! Or I will help you not!" -Rick Mccallum

That which does not freak us out, makes us stronger. -Woody McCandlish The measure on a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. -Thomas McCauley The decisions that really matter are made outside the democratic process. -Anne McClintock, University of Wisconsin The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste you time waving your hands and hopping when a rock or a club will do. -McCloctnick the Lucid There's nothing like a five year old getting hit by napalm to make your morning if you don't have coffee. -Dave McClory But, I thought that was why I liked UNIX? The incompatibilities, the arcane syntax. I hope some day to contribute some really bad software to it. -Scott McClung All this proves is that anyone setting themselves up as a kind of digital moral compass quickly finds themselves plunged into a kind of virtual Bermuda Triangle, where vertigo reigns and you hope to hell you pop out the other side still on course. Technology is never a substitute for conscience. -Declan McCullagh Lots of Mozilla architecture begins with a premise that is hard to put in context. As if every problem sounds like: if you take every faculty member from every college in the U.S. and lay them end to end, how many engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -David McCusker ah, the infamous "Booth Babes". Avoid them for they are specially trained to extract corporate secrets. -Chad McDaniel i am the 'travel bingo' of the information superhighway -Chad McDaniel

I herd cyberpunks on the electronic frontier. -Chad McDaniel Is it bad when you start to think of work as "that place with the really fast internet connection"? -Chad McDaniel There is no interest in the common good. -Ian McDiarmid as Senator Palpatine, "Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace" Winners always want the ball when the game is on the line. -McGinty, "The Replacements" Small towns in Germany are usually about ten kilotons apart. -Jake McGuire Audiophiles know squat about auditory perception and Shannon's sampling theorem, so we get these misconceptions about CDs and tubes repeated again and again, and these misconceptions influence what people believe they hear when they play their systems (especially audiophiles, who are both near-deaf and extremely gullible). -William McIlhagga Considering that over half the traffic on this list is in response to postings or forwards from others, I do believe that you may have a better crack connection than the rest of us, and suggest you kick down with your contact before the IS Death Squad opens a Trouble Ticket on yer ass. -Dana McIntosh While my duties as a serf are not onerous, involving mostly turnip-gathering, woodhewing, pig-minding and the maintenance of a large object-oriented DBMS written in C++, and I have no real reason to complain of my lot in life, you will understand if I am not immediately in a position to take advantage of the possibilities offered by your no doubt excellent handbook. -Angus McIntyre Anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron, because I said so. -Matt McIrvin

I think you CAN make progress spiritually with psychedelics, but not necessarily.....Aldous Huxley said of psychedelics that they are neither necessary nor sufficient for the attaining of salvation. He called them 'gratuitous graces', meaning you're sure glad you have them, but they're neither necessary nor sufficient. -Terence McKenna What is waiting to be born is a psychedelic ethic, a moral vision that could be a counterweight to the Fundamentalist vision and the Existentialist vision, both of which are observed to be inadequate. -Terence McKenna When you cease to believe that you're Nobody and you begin to believe that you might be Somebody, this is considered proof of severe mental disturbance -Terence McKenna Eknath Easwaran, the California meditation teacher whose book "Gandhi the Man" is the simplest, and therefore loveliest, of the many Gandhi biographies, describes seeing Gandhi meditate during the evening prayer service in the last years of his life. The text that evening was from the second chapter of the Gita. As the sonorous verses were read, you could see him completely absorbed, his mind growing calm and still. His concentration was so complete that it was no longer the second chapter you were listening to, it was the second chapter you were seeing, witnessing for yourself the transformation it describes: "They are forever free who have broken, Out of the ego-cage I and mine, To be united with the Lord of Love. This is the supreme state. Attain thou this And pass from death to immortality." On the other hand, you could have 200 Gb, a 128xCD/DVD, 6 Gb RAM and a smug dose of superiority. -Bill McKibben, Salon The laws of Congress and the laws of physics have grown increasingly divergent, and the laws of physics are not likely to yield. -Bill McKibben Before I started working here I drank, smoked, and used foul language for no reason at all. But thanks to this job, I now have a reason. -Fitz McKinzie Get next to a clue and hope the wind blows, dude. -Fitz McKinzie Remember, the strong get funded...the weak get jobs. As it should be. -Bob McKisson

Venture Capitalists are among the most incestuous creatures on the planet. If your presentation clicks in the hearts and minds of the folks at Novak-Biddle, Draper or Sutter Hill, to think that FBR, NEA or ATV won't be studying your Plan within 48 hours, is like believing that the woman you were out with Saturday night won't be on the phone to her girlfriend Sunday giggling over the steamy details. -Bob McKisson When Keebler releases an XML spec, they might describe it as "baked by tiny recursive elves" or something. -David McCusker Nietzsche must have had a bad childhood. -Rob McLay hey, he knows the terms. I'm like a porn site. there are benefits and a tour for nonmembers. -Colleen McManus I'm so gothic I have BATS IN MY HOUSE. Have you ever had a BAT swoop at your HEAD? You forget about booty REAL QUICK. -Colleen McManus HEY! WE SHOULD HANG OUT! WHO'S THE HOTTIE? Did she get attacked at the estee lauder counter? -Colleen McManus She is lying. It's obvious. ...the middle class lies well only about sex. -McCone, The Running Man The big debate was over the "free" in "free software." The way it was characterized politically, you had copyright, which is what the big companies use to lock everything up; you had copyleft, which is free software's way of making sure they can't lock it up; and then Berkeley had what we called copycenter, which is take it down to the copy center and make as many copies as you want. -Kirk McKusick There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew. -Marshall McLuhan Microsoft is now talking about the digital nervous system. I guess I would be nervous if my system was built on their technology too. -Scott McNealy

Microsoft says we're 100 percent committed to Java, but we're not pure. I don't think my wife would buy it if I said, 'Honey, I'm 100 percent committed, but I'm not pure.' -Scott McNealy Okay, wait. We majored in golf in business school. Could somebody tell me what this thing does? -Scott McNealy Bringing the original Black Sabbath with Ozzy Osbourne to New Jersey is like ... what, bringing the Olympics to Athens? There's an Ozzy Osbourne service area on our Garden State Parkway. Our state bird is the Headless Bat. The State Legislature failed to elect a chairman one year in the early '80s, issuing instead a proclamation that "Ozzy rules forever." -Gavin McNett, Salon Probably the four biggest reasons for a slowdown in network innovation are AT&T Wireless, Verizon Wireless, Sprint Nextel and T-Mobile. -John McQuillan You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,then used against you. -MDTiger11@aol.com 'me' is a token, it returns whoever calls 'me'. in general though, whenever people call 'me' they get my answering machine, because i'm never home -me Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. -Margaret Mead One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night. -Margaret Mead The network is the business. -Mary Meeker That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect. -Edwin Meese III

Don't be humble. You're not that great. -Golda Meir Anyone who disagrees with me is a communist. -mel@rottweiler.ee.nd.edu Does anyone else ever get the distinct impression that some day a group of people in suits are going to walk into your office or your home and say, 'We've got you now! You had everyone thinking you were a grown up, but you're not. Now get your things. Your mother's got supper on the table and you have to be in bed by 7:30.' Or is it just me? -Cynthia Melcher Democracy is grounded upon so childish a complex of fallacies that they must be protected by a rigid system of taboos, else even halfwits would argue it to pieces. Its first concern must thus be to penalize the free play of ideas. -H.L. Mencken Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. -H. L. Mencken Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. -H. L. Mencken For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong. -H. L. Mencken In brief, she assumed that, being a man, I was vain to the point of imbecility, and this assumption was correct, as it always is. -H.L. Mencken In this world of sin and sorrow, there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. -H.L. Mencken Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. -H. L. Mencken

Of government, at least in democratic states, it may be said briefly that it is an agency engaged wholesale, and as a matter of solemn duty, in the performance of acts which all self-respecting individuals refrain from as a matter of common decency. -H.L. Mencken The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a an endless standing in line. -H.L. Mencken The best teacher, until one comes to adult pupils, is not the one who knows most, but the one who is most capable of reducing knowledge to that simple compound of the obvious and the wonderful which slips into the infantile comprehension...The best teacher of children, in brief, is one who is essentially childlike. -H.L. Mencken Five months of torturous pain is a long time, Diablo. Five months of nothing but pondering revenge against you and your friend Twix. That, and reading 'Newsweek.' And sampling different varieties of Ben 'N' Jerry's wonderful ice cream flavors. And of course the occasional game of Yahtzee, but as we all know, my sentient pea-plant henchmen aren't very good game players, so there was little challenge there. They often ate the dice. But mostly, I pondered revenge. Revenge and monkeys. Monkeys are funny. -Mendel, "Goats" Do you think it's a coincidence that insurance companies ask people if they do the sorts of stuff we do? -Mike Mengason If you want to dine with the devil, bring a long spoon. -Mercy, Cyborg 2 Finding bad websites is a little like stalking a herd of dairy cows with an uzi. -merilus.com Only flirt with those you intend to refuse: then you acquire a reputatation for invincibility, whilst slipping away with the lover of your choice. A poor choice is less dangerous than an obvious choice. Never write letters. Get them to write letters. Always be sure they think they're the only one. Win or die. -Marquise De Merteuil, Les Liaisons Dangereuses

When I came out into society I was 15. I already knew then the role I was condemned to, namely to keep quiet and do what I was told. It gave me the perfect opportunity to listen and observe. Not to what people told me, which naturally was of no interest to me, but to whatever it was they were trying to hide. I practiced detachment. I learned how to look cheerful while under the table I stuck a fork onto the back of my hand. I became a virtuoso of deceit. I consulted the strictest moralists to learn how to appear, philosophers to find out what to think, and novelists to see what I could get away with, and in the end it all came down to one wonderfully simple principle: win or die. -Marquise De Merteuil, Dangerous Liasons it is only the strong who are capable of ripping off their own limbs. -Matt Messner excuse me, i'll just be over here reading the student employment book of the mormon. -Tosh Meston This was not a trivial matter. The helmet in question was Darth Vader's helmet. -Hon. John Metcalf Alcohol can clean a bathroom, it ought to be able to clean your arteries. -Ted Metzler I am the ultimate artiste and everything I do, from my painting and drawing to blowing my nose and emptying my bladder qualifies as art. I have many jars of my "art" if you want to buy some. -Ted Metzler Sure, I have a lust for life, but I'm not really ready to make a commitment. -Ted Metzler That's Yngwie J. Malmsteeen to you. The "J" is, of course, to distinguish him from the multitudes of other Yngwie Malmsteens operating in the Heavy Metal genre. -Ted Metzler There's 'bound' if you care to see debauchery and fetishism at its worst...and who doesn't? -Ted Metzler You've got to be suspicious of any sentence that begins, "The funniest thing I have ever seen in a urinal..." -Ted Metzler

pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. -Jeff Meyer Programmatically is a Microsoft euphamism for 'with many lines of code.' -from a Microsoft Access tutorial manual The pen may be mightier than the sword, but if I cut your arms off with my sword, what are you going to do with your stupid pen then, Mr. smarty-pants? -Pakasit Mhojadee "Oh, Christ!" I scream aloud, taking the name of the Lord in vain to underscore the seriousness of the situation. -Philip Michaels new cities are good and bad. low culture, high personality. but then the city decides what it's going to be one day and you are either part of it or you have to leave. -Chel Micheline You can spend your whole life trying to change the world. No, seriously, you can. -Microsoft ad By downloading these unsupported tools you are using them at your own risk -- you know, like bungee jumping in your underwear or dating your best friend's sister. -Microsoft Internet Explorer PowerToys disclaimer So I call up Sally: "Hi, I'm doing research. Do you have a boyfriend?" -Dan Milberg I feel no different. My hate's the same. -Milk, _Milk & Cheese_ "We have Attention Deficit... uh, Disorder!" "What?" "What!?" -Milk & Cheese Just imagine, if you will, what kind of delicious suffering awaits you at the hands of the most powerful milkman in the universe. -Milkman Dan, Red Meat

The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant. -John Stuart Mill, "On Liberty" War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. -John Stewart Mill Prince of Darkness: ... We offer a way out of the guilt and constant drumbeat of negativism, the don't-do-thises and don't-do-thats of the past. My message is basically one of optimism, achievement, and empowerment. For me, the glass is always half full. -Brian Miller, Seattle Weekly Bill Gates is a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being the villain in a James Bond movie. -Dennis Miller If some unemployed punk in Trenton, New Jersey, lying on a sofa with a bong can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka. -Dennis Miller Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. -Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" Adolescence is a marketing tool. -Elaine Miller, "Almost Famous" The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. -George Miller

It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons. -Henry Miller Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone dates 30 year-old virgins from the Church of Christ. -Jenni Miller Eww... No, he's waiting for marriage. Besides, I don't think he'd doink a Jew. That'd be dirty! -Jenni Miller Gee, I forgot my penis, can't join in this conversation! -Jenni Miller I have a conservative penis. -Michael Miller I have some really awful lemonade. It'll give you diarhea. It's great. -Sam Miller sleeze... I need sleeze....very much so........ -Sam Miller How do you follow an act like a show about nothing? With "Nothing"! NBC proved that there is life after "Seinfeld" last night when it debuted the revolutionary show "Nothing" in "Seinfeld's" old Thursday 9 p.m. slot. For one-half hour, the screen was blank, except for commercials. And it didn't seem to bother viewers accustomed to tuning in for "Seinfeld" one bit! "Nothing" was the highest rated show of the night, handily winning its time slot over CBS's "Mandelbaum," Fox's "World's Scariest Naked Fat Guys on Crystal Meth" and ABC's "Cracker" -Joyce Millman, Salon The road to hell is paved with deleterious mutations. -Paul Mineiro Power corrupts. Absolute power really turns on the chicks. -Jeff Mink

Until the day animals stand up and demand equal rights, I have the right to eat them. -Jeff Mink It's not that they waste money. It's that they waste ALL the money. -Marvin Minksy on NASA On one side, the Americans are the champions of democracy and human rights. On the other side, they are fighting against Osama bin Laden with the help of military dictators and kings who don't believe in democracy or human rights. Osama bin Laden is not a hero because of his ideas. He is a hero by default. -Hamid Mir If you copy from one author it's plagiarism. If you copy from two, it's research. -Wilson Mizner One day I returned from lunch, and my screensaver had evolved intelligent, self-aware, beautiful life forms. They had art, science, a reasonably complete understanding of their universe, and monumental architecture, most of which was devoted to the message: "Please don't move your mouse!" But what was I supposed to do? I had to see how the market closed. -Gordon Mohr Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. -Ashley Montague You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon. -Monty Python Flying Circus Rush [Limbaugh] fills the same niche in political discourse that WWF wrestling fills in sport. -Dave Mooney I thought that you should be the first to know. I joined the psychotic friends network. -Hugh Moore Man, it's really dark in here. Somebody should light a witch. -Hugh Moore

Now you have to choose if you want to be a warrior, ranger, rogue, or academic. Hint: don't pick rogue. -Hugh Moore You could come with us if you want. In fact, if you did, you might not even suck... -Hugh Moore Who needs foresight when you've got apathy? -Hugh Moore When the rabbit of chaos is pursued through the field of anarchy it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness. -Roger Moore, Spiceworld Down the street, at the Touretzky Nasal Grindworks, they have a different motto: "Miserable Today - For a Better Tomorrow" -Hans Moravec It's now more important to learn boring algebra than to practice fun rock throwing. So you take your choice. If you choose happiness over survival too consistently--well, then you die happy. Or else, you thrive grumpily. -Hans Moravec On this side you have customers coming in, and the customers coming in better bring some dollars with them, because if they don't bring some dollars with them they're not really customers. -Avery More I can't kill myself with idiocy, it's not sharp enough. -Chris Morgan If you can't handle CLICKING by now, get off our internet. -Chris Morgan When you sell a man a book, you don't sell him 12 ounces of paper and ink and glue -you sell him a whole new life. -Christopher Morley

I love Gummi Bears ... and I want Gummi Bears and I like Gummi Bears and I eat Gummi Bears and I don't like it when I don't eat my Gummi Bears, but I'm certainly not addicted to them. -Philip Morris President James Morgan on why cigarettes are not addictive You are nothing. You are not a man. You are not a god. I will find a man, and give birth to a god! -Morgana Of course, no real deconstruction would be like this. I only used a single paragraph and avoided literary jargon. All of the words will be found in a typical abridged dictionary and were used with their conventional meanings. I also wrote entirely in English and did not cite anyone. Thus in an English literature course I would probably get a D for this, but I already have my degree so I don't care. -Chip Morningstar The person who walks alone is soon trailed by the FBI. -Wright Morris She said, 'I know you....you cannot sing', I said, 'That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.' -Morrissey you will get a better response in New York by snarling at people over a period of weeks. Once you are recognised as someone who has no desire to be in anyone else's life, the possibility of intimacies such as mutual nodding opens up. -Damien Morton You know you're in college when you go to CVS and the only two things you buy are Saline solution and Trojans. -Mathew Morton Just remember: you're not a "dummy," no matter what those computer books claim. -Walter Mossberg Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you. -Mouse Secrecy is for losers. -Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan

In each of Van Damme's films, there's a new, ridiculous explanation as to why he's been allowed out of Belgium. -Mr. Cranky As it turns out, Zardoz is just a puppet utilized by some upper class beings to spew manipulative nonsense at the unwashed masses, sort of like George W. Bush, only smarter. -Mr Cranky Let me tell you just how much of a struggle Matt Damon was experiencing at the time: He was starving, not knowing where his next meal would come from, freezing during the Boston winter as he tried to sleep in a cardboard box using bagel bags for socks and slabs of wood for shoes. Oh, wait. That might be an actual inspiring story. In truth, Matt Damon was starving in his warm Harvard dormitory. If you bought the former tale, thank you for sucking the penis of Miramax Films. Please exit to the right. -Mr. Cranky Two amateurish storytelling techniques utilized in the first five minutes, and it's pretty obvious we're going to spend a few hours with Mr. Clich shoving his hands down our pants. -Mr. Cranky Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic -Mtrichter@f801.n163.z1.rubicon.pinetree.org Cool is only three letters away from Fool. -Mike Muir Sleep is the mind-killer! Defeat sleep! -Jim Mulhearn There is a general place in your brain, I think, reserved for "melancholy of relationships past." It grows and prospers as life progresses, forcing you finally, against your better judgement, to listen to country music. -Kary Mullis If God had meant us to think, we'd have brains. -Nick Munn Power Users believe computer salesmen. -Richard Murnane

It is impossible to make something foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. -Edsel Murphy If there's more than one way to do a job and one of those ways will end in disaster, then someone will do it that way. -Edward Murphy, Jr. I think they're very creative. I think their work is very powerful, but I think it's very naive.... sort of, if you like, a petulant young child out of control. -Peter Murphy on Marilyn Manson I have feelings too, I just choose to hide them underneath bitter denial. -Ms. Musso The more you do, the more you are. -Bryan R Mundy Any definition of "noise" that doesn't count discussion of gun control is inherently bogus. -John Gardiner Myers He obviously didn't realize who I am. Sure, that sounds a bit pretentious... but it's true. -John Gardiner Myers I have pantyhose older than you. -John Gardiner Myers' mother The problem with mail systems in general is that there are far too many idiots writing and running mail systems. A killing spree won't help, there are far too many people in need of extinction. -John Gardiner Myers Now the actual correct mathematical solution to this differential equation is insane, so physicists use a special trick which is that you guess. -Ron Myers If you're like me, you think that those miserable little sticks of wood fired by the Archers are way too wimpy. And if you're like me, you've often said to yourself, "Why can't my Archers be just a little more manly? Why can't they be shooting flaming, exploding chickens?" -Myth II propaganda

quotes: n
Anti-ninjas were the most feared assassins in the world. Instead of appearing out of thin air, throwing metal stars and messing around with bo staffs and numchuks they simply shot people and then drove everyone mad with pointless conspiracy theories for years afterwards. -from N-Man #3 You are not I, and therein lies the irreparable calamity. -Vladimir Nabokov If Gore can't beat a bumbling Texas governor with that kind of a record, what good is he? -Ralph Nader DO NOT try to snort TANG up your nose. -Ken Nagle Creation is quite different from sex, unless you take everything to a metaphoric level, which if you do, you should never allow your children to play with Legos. -Ken Nagle Dead puppies can be lots of fun. Collect and trade them with your friends..... -Ken Nagle The fragrance of the summer is WetGoth by Wet N Wild. WetGoth is specially designed to remind you of those rainy nights after a club, waiting for a cab. It's got the perfect hint of old grass and stale clove smoke to remind you of the special night when you had to sleep in on the lawn because your parents wouldn't let you inside. There is the barest hint of sweat from that last gig you went to to remind you of how you were crushed against the stage by a thousand other screaming fans, where no one else could hear your screams of pain. WetGoth! Remember, Wetgoth is the official fragrance of the 1936 Olympic games. -Ken Nagle Go ahead and use my father's words against me. We'll see how crafty you can be when I fill you full of margaritas...... -Ken Nagle I don't currently have access to my alt.gothic.gun^3, but if you give me your name and number, I shall surely get back to you with my alt.gothic.hatchet^3..... -Ken Nagle

I know one guy that if his ratty hair wacks me in the face one more time, I'm gonna go perky all over his ass!!!! -Ken Nagle I was born about about 1600 years ago, raised by wolves who had a penchant for chickens, burgers, and breath mints. I was there with Alaric when he sacked Rome in 410AD and have always thought that would be a cool name when I eventually fathered children..... -Ken Nagle I'll make you a deal: Either I see you there... or I don't.... How's that sound? -Ken Nagle we're satanic hippies. we drink human blood and make sacrifices, but we always recycle. -Ken Nagle You all thought Calypso Lou set that up? WRONG! I replaced Louis Farrakhan with an android under my control, and he organised the Million Man March in order for me to be able to fit the marchers with my specially patented mind control chip (remote control until sold separately). Be on the lookout for the Million Woman March, the Million Kid March, the March to the Scaffold, the Wedding March, and the Million Guys Named Bob Who Don't Know What SPAM Is March. -Ken Nagle my brain hurts... it shouldn't, i haven't used it much recently -Nailbunny I recently obtained an Open Firmware specification book, and found it quite useful. As soon as I try to read this book, I become as sleepy as if I had read a phone book. -Hamada Naoki It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather than be the instrument of his army's downfall. -Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -Napoleon

There are two ways to fix reliability problems. One is to lose customers. The other is to actually build a reliable system. -Arun Narayan In the U.S. Government, there is a lot more incompetence and a lot less conspiracy than is generally believed. -a NASA spokesperson The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make the rest of us wonder at the possibility that we might be missing something. -Jamal Abdul Nasser It doesn't make sense to make pages complex and use a lot of graphics. If you make a site look really fancy, it looks great the first time. The second time it's amusing. And the third time it's just plain annoying. -Farzad Nazem, CTO, Yahoo! Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning conglomerate, I intend to do it fairly and without malice or dirty politics. I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task; I would have to have you all killed. -David Neal Americans have Thanksgiving, the British have Guy Fawkes Night, and NTK has the annual review of another bloody Windows compression utility. -Need to Know News Lovely girls are terribly insecure. They are convinced that their legs are too thick, and their bottoms are too big, and their bosoms are too small. They are conviced that their nose is the wrong shape, that their ears stick out, and that their eyes are too close together. They need a man who will tell them they are exactly right as they are. They do not believe him, but they need to hear it said. -Richard J. Needham Most so-called moral dilemmas simply dissolve when one gathers all the knowledge that is actually available. We waste an immense amount of precious energy trying to make decisions before we really have to or are able to. Once we see something clearly, the question of morality more or less takes care of itself. Authentic morality is the child of understanding. -Jacob Needleman

Hm. My master's thesis reads much better once I pipe it through jive. -Chris Nelson Jeepers, he holds the world's fate in his hands and he can't drive a stick shift! -Mike Nelson, Mystery Science Theater 3000 Violence never solves problems, it just changes them into more subtle problems. -Russell Nelson I have enough trouble socializing with people. I don't need some object saying 'good morning' to me. -Ted Nelson Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be philosophers. -Wilvur Nelson You are an old man... who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no Third Worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast, interwoven, interacting, multi-variate, multi-national dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds and shekels. It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic, and subatomic and galactic structure of things today. And you have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and you will atone! Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? You get up on your little twentyone inch screen and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM, and ITT, and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon - those are the nations of the world today. What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state - Karl Marx? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories and mini-max solutions and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments just like we do. We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations, inexorably determined by the immutable by-laws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale. -Ned Beatty in "Network" zen is not defined. -Netscape error message Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. -John von Neumann

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years. -John Von Neumann The sciences do not try to explain, they hardly even try to interpret, they mainly make models. By a model is meant a mathematical construct which, with the addition of certain verbal interpretations, describes observed phenomena. The justification of such a mathematical construct is solely and precisely that it is expected to work. -John Von Neumann There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about -John Von Neumann You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong. -John Von Neumann A friend and I recently decided that we had heard the word "artist" used far too often, and that from now on, whenever we heard anyone say the word "artist" we would mentally replace it with the word "retard." The universe sorted itself out with a terrible velocity. Imagine being in a gallery and seeing this: "Prints Available -- signed by the retard."... -New York Press DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form. -New York Times, November 26, 1991 Deep Impact - A dire warning that should concern us all. You may feel safe in your bed, but beware: even as you sleep, Earth is under threat from a vast, overheated surplus of character actors. -The New Yorker Theories are more like graduate students - once admitted you try hard to avoid flunking them out, it being much better for them and for the world if they can become long term contributors to society. -Allen Newell Ben, I threw food at you to make you shut up. It hasn't worked. If you don't shut up, I want my food back. -Dale Newfield

For maybe a hundred thousand years or more, grownups have been waving tangles of string in their children's faces.... No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look at all those X's.... No damn cat, and no damn cradle. -Newt, "Cat's Cradle" we didn't mean 'free' as in no cost, we meant 'free' as in 'free to charge as much as we like' -Ashley Niblock Chivalry is not dead, it's just taking a well deserved nap, and I'm here to make sure it sleeps late. -Van Nichols Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here. -Jack Nicholson, As Good As it Gets i'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD -Kirstin Nickerson Look, I tried the cat experiment. On the third trial, the cat was dead. On each of the subsequent 413 trials, it remained dead. Am I doing something wrong? -James Nicoll The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. -James Nicoll Windows 98 is so similar to Windows 95 because Apple hasn't invented anything worth copying since 1995. -Jakob Nielsen In Germany they came first for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, but I did not speak up because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the trade-unionists, but I did not speak up because I was not a tradeunionist. Then then they came for the Catholics, but I did not speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me and by that time there was no one left to speak up. -Rev. Martin Niemoller

A higher kind of human being, excuse me for saying, doesn't think much of 'callings', the reason being he knows himself called....He takes his time, he has plenty of time, he gives no thought whatsoever to being 'finished and ready' - at the age of thirty one is, as regards high culture, a beginner, a child. -Friedrich Nietzsche Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. -Friedrich Nietzsche For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic avtivity or perception to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication...sexual excitement...feasting, of contest, of the brave deed, of victory, extreme agitation, of cruelty, of destruction, of will. -Friedrich Nietzsche Great and fine things can never be common property: pulchrum est paucorum hominum (beauty is for the few). -Friedrich Nietzsche He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. -Friedrich Nietzsche He divines remedies against injuries; he knows how to turn serious accidents to his own advantage; whatever does not kill him makes him stronger. -Friedrich Nietzsche I despise mystics, they fancy themselves so deep, when they aren't even superficial. -Friedrich Nietzsche In Heaven, all the interesting people are missing. -Friedrich Nietzsche Nature, artistically considered, is no model. It exaggerates, it distorts, it leaves gaps. Nature is chance. To study 'from nature' seems to me a bad sign: it betrays subjection, weakness, fatalism - this lying in the dust before petty facts is unworthy of a complete artist. -Friedrich Nietzsche Nothing suceeds in which high spirits play no part. Only excess of strength is proof of strength. -Friedrich Nietzsche

One will rarely err if extreme actions be ascribed to vanity, ordinary actions to habit, and mean actions to fear. -Friedrich Nietzsche Once and for all, there is a great deal I do not want to know. - Wisdom sets bounds even to knowledge. -Friedrich Nietzsche The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad. -Friedrich Nietzsche There are two tragedies in life: one is losing one's heart's desire, the other is gaining it. -Friedrich Nietzsche There is no more dangerous error than that of mistaking the consequence for the cause. -Friedrich Nietzsche When Gods were more Man-like, men were more god-like. -Friedrich Nietzsche You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion? -Friedrich Nietzsche The first bullet is never for you. -Nikita When you don't know what to say, just smile. It won't make you any smarter, but it will be pleasant for others. -Nikita It's a nitwit idea. Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. The rest of the time you go by the Book, which is mostly a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. -Niven and Pournelle, The Mote in God's Eye If I could find a way to get Saddam Hussein out of there, even putting a contract out on him, if the CIA still did that sort of a thing, assuming it ever did, I would be for it. -Richard M. Nixon Television is to news as bumperstickers are to philosophy. -Richard M. Nixon

Believe nothing - Dare all -Nizari Isma'ili Nothing is True - Everything is Permitted -Nizari Isma'ili The likelihood of your wanting to use a diskless workstation decreases as the square of your distance from Palo Alto increases. -Brian Noble If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put into perspective. -Professor Ralph Noble Academics get paid for being clever, not for being right. -Donald Norman President Reagan didn't always know what he knew. -Oliver North I've seen sausage made and I've seen law made ... and the main difference is there aren't any ambushes in sausage. -Mac Norton It is a shame the author didn't read the tax code before writing this book. It is obvious she was unwilling to be encumbered by the facts. My right wing relatives love it. They also think of pork rinds as an entree. -Warren Norwood, amazon.com review of The Greedy Hand Anyone can commit a crime, but how many people do you know can commit a crime that is not only ahead of its time, but also isn't illegal...yet. Hot ninja hacker chicks will think we're gods. -Joshua Nowell See, you guys got it all wrong. The Easter bunny sucks. I've been hanging out with the Ether Bunny. Don't remember much but I'm sure I had a great time...except for the noticable twitch and the fact that I can't remember my login... -Joshua Nowell No keyboard found. Press F1 to continue. -NT error message

Reboot your machine. Do not reboot your machine. -NT error message I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. That way I won't feel so bad about being dead, and everyone there will know there is something worse than Death. -Gary Numan

quotes: o
Everything is proceeding to plan. Lee and Dave are in the mini-sub preparing to take out the Thames Flood Barrier at full tide. I am in Mountain View, hurrying around in a MAE-WEST with a fast-depleting knapsack of Semtex hanging jauntily from my shoulder. Across the world, Y2K consultants are beginning to feel the effects of the powerful time-release hallucinogen we secreted onto the pages of "COBOL for Dummies" back in 1997. These last few days have left little time for love, laughter or editorial conferences, so we hope you'll make do with this seasonal quiz based on the last years' events. We hope it will take your mind off the the sounds of the angry peasant mobs milling outside your offices. Answers next week: first correct entry after midnight gets two week's supply of Evian and six vials of the emergency vaccine. In Year Zero, suckers! -Danny O'Brien, Need To Know News In these terrible times, it's good to watch the tech community put its problems aside, and supply what we were all so desperately short of: plenty of wild unsolicited opinions. After those first few hours of awful shocked silence - what a relief to be interrupted by the CEO of CoffeeCup Software, producers of an innocuous Windows HTML editor, emailing his 1.2 million customer base to "call for the country's complete destruction and annihilation". And at the end of that fateful day, noted hacker Eric S. Raymond rained his thoughts like fresh water, revealing that those who "disarmed all the non-terrorists on those airplanes ... bear some moral responsibility". Thanks too to BYTE's Jerry Pournelle, who slowly toughened his demands from an early request that /usr/bin/laden be handed over "bound and chained", to Thursday's demand that Nablus, Gaza, Baghdad and Damascus be razed to the ground; to the Evening Standard infowar expert who warned that "inflamed young men" could escalate the conflict by releasing "cyber viruses, crashing our computers ... from council houses in Bradford"; and kindly John Keegan in the Telegraph, who wrote that ISPs should ban encryption among their users, and those who refused must be "destroyed with cruise missiles". And on through the lonely nights, as net.folk on chat traded credulous rumours and confused geopolitics, and Nostradamus buffs mulled seriously over a quatrain that, sadly, was probably invented by a skeptic to show how any random phrase could end up a doomladen prophecy. But be assured that the crisis is not yet over. Please help: opinions are still desperately needed - and bloggers, columnists and sleep-deprived newsreaders are running short of ideas. So: do you have some minority you'd like to haphazardly blame? Some half-arsed genocidal theory you'd like to insist become global policy? Some simplistic demonisation of a country's recent history that needs to be waved in the faces of everyone you know? Mail it to our hotline on devnull@spesh.com, and we'll pass it on to those who must fill the useless silence which would otherwise be wasted on slow, methodical grief. -Danny O'Brien, Need To Know News Still, at least Denise "Starship Troopers" Richards dresses up as Lara Croft for no readily apparent reason...

-Danny O'Brien on The World is Not Enough When the the London Stock Exchange trading computers crashed just at the point that the US stock market bubble wobbled, it's tempting to see more than the usual invisible hand manipulating the market. Was it truly incompetence on an unparallelled scale, or could this "accident" have been a deliberate denial of service prevent further instability? Well, given Andersen Consulting's involvement, we're assuming the former. -Danny O'Brien, Need To Know News A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards! -Michael O'Brien We live in a dangerous Age. To say how you feel is to lay your own grave -Sinead O'Connor I know you lived in France but that doesn't mean you know everything. -Frank O'Hara Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. -P.J. O'Rourke Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. -P.J. O'Rourke The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. -P.J. O'Rourke Writing on a computer makes saving what's been written too easy. Pretentious lead sentences are kept, not tossed. Instead of sitting surrounded by crumpled paper, the computerized writer has his mistakes neatly stored in digital memory. -P. J. O'Rourke slack off... my life is so much better now that I don't have something as silly as classes getting in my way

-Erik Ogan They are seldom found out, because they gravitate to the kind of clients who, bamboozled by their rhetoric, do not hold them responsible for sales results. Their campaigns find favor at cocktail parties in New York, San Francisco and London but are taken less seriously in Chicago. In the days when I specialized in posh campaigns for The New Yorker, I was the hero of this coterie, but when I graduated to advertising in mass media and wrote a book which extolled the value of research, I became its devil. I comfort myself with the reflection that I have sold more merchandise than all of them put together. -David Ogilvy When I write an advertisement, I don't want you to tell me that you find it 'creative'. I want you to find it so interesting that you buy the product. When Aeschines spoke, they said, 'How well he speaks.' But when Demosthenes spoke, they said, 'Let us march against Philip.' -David Ogilvy Also, to answer the question "When will the new spreadsheet be ready for use?" The answer is about five or six weeks, although it may appear to you to be as long as three months, since, like all programmers, I am travelling at relativistic speeds. -Drew Olbrich Another industry secret is that "Schindler's List" was created entirely on a sound stage in Burbank by one camera man, three actors, and a dozen guys using a custom version of Photoshop. -Drew Olbrich At the suggestion of my reproductive system, I suggest that we create a new bboard called "I left my penis logged in." -Drew Olbrich C++ is like jamming a helicopter inside a Miata and expecting some sort of improvement. -Drew Olbrich I hope this doesn't disrupt the trendy "The World Sucks, Everybody Sucks; Well, Maybe Not As Much As I Do; I'd Like To Suck More Than You Do, Really I Would; Hey, Sucking Any More Would Be An Improvement"... attitude. -Drew Olbrich I love stress because it's a whole lot better than depression. -Drew Olbrich

It's all about getting off the planet. -Drew Olbrich My inner child is toting an Uzi. -Drew Olbrich Sometimes, I'm not so much fishing for compliments as snorkeling for criticism. -Drew Olbrich There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. -Ken Olsen, President, Digital Equipment, 1977 We really need it because Microsoft keeps releasing sloppier and sloppier software that needs a faster and faster machine. -Ken Olsen By the way, if you do mention Pez and my wife, also mention that she's a management consultant and has a master's degree in molecular genetics, OK? -Pierre Omidyar, who founded eBay to help his wife collect Pez dispensers We're selling more than a cracker here, We're selling the salty, unctuous illusion of happiness. -The Onion If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst at once into the sky that would be like the splendor of the Mighty One... I am become Death, the Shatterer of Worlds. -J. Robert Oppenheimer, quoting "The Bhagavad Gita", 1945 The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist knows it. -J. Robert Oppenheimer We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried. Most people were silent. -J. Robert Oppenheimer

Leaving behind the OS X user interface is like leaving London - you don't realise what a constant, nagging annoyance it is - like having a 24 hour toothache - until you've left town. -Andrew Orlowski

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -Robert Orben Unfortunately, mathematics is about theory. Your question actually has practical appliations. I can't really answer it. -Alejandro Ortega If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on the human face -forever... And remember that it is forever. -George Orwell Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past. -George Orwell Something else I'd like to do eventually is add the ability to supply the URL for an image you'd like to beat up on when you tire of thinking about killing Britney Spears (not that that is likely to happen), then the server would fetch the image and allow you to use the same set of weapons on it. This would let people ''cross-examine'' their thesis advisors, etc. -Gerald Oskoboiny My CPU can beat up your CPU with both its FPU's tied behind its MMU!! -Lamar Owen Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. -from Oxford Union Society rules

quotes: p
I've got a novel idea! How about if you don't waste my time. -Frank Pacheco In America everyone is intitled to an opinion. However you are not entitled to a professional opinion. -Michael Padlipsky Ayn Rand was the kind of bold female thinker who should immediately have been a centerpiece of women's studies programs, if the latter were genuinely about women rather than about a cliched, bleeding-heart, victim-obsessed, liberal ideology that dislikes all concrete female achievement. -Camille Paglia Civilized man conceals from himself the extent of his subordination to nature. The grandeur of culture, the consolation of religion absorb his attention and win his faith. But let nature shrug, and all is in ruin. Fire, flood, lightning, tornado, hurricane, volcano, earthquake - anywhere at any time. Disaster falls upon the good and bad. Civilized life requires a state of illusion. -Camille Paglia At this point, the IMF drags the gasping nation to Step Three: Market-Based Pricing, a fancy term for raising prices on food, water and cooking gas. This leads, predictably, to Step-Three-and-a-Half: what Stiglitz calls, "The riot." -Greg Palast, "The Globalizer Who Came In From the Cold" I want my desktop PC to have the processor mounted on top of the case in a little ceramic square so I can use it for a coffee warmer. Burying all those heat sinks in the cabinet is a waste of good heat. -Dale Parish I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. -Dorothy Parker If they laid all the coeds from Yale end to end...I wouldn't be surprised. -Dorothy Parker This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown away with great force. -Dorothy Parker Human errors can only be avoided if one can avoid the use of humans

-David L. Parnas I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. -Blaise Pascal Imagination disposes of everything; it creates beauty, justice, and happiness, which are everything in this world. -Blaise Pascal The U.S. Supreme court has a definition of Pornography, and it breaks down something like this: Anything which is without social redeeming value and which appeals to the prurient interest. In other words, any posting on the Usenet. -T. Pascal Chance favors only the prepared mind. -Louis Pasteur Your only duty in life is to eliminate the people i don't like. -Trupti Patel Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. -Gen George S. Patton wow! you really have a way with words!! they effectively convey your bitterness at your boyfriend's lack of attention to domestic chores. Edgar Allen Poe, eat your heart out! -Adam Paul This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. -Wolfgang Pauli Major funding for The Great Depression was provided by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. -heard on PBS I guess I shouldn't blame her really, I mean she did give birth to me, which is more than most people do for the world. -The Peace-ior Science is one thing and Wisdom is another. Science is an edged tool, with which men play like children, and cut their own fingers. -Thomas Love Peacock

He's completely gone off the deep end. I mean he's more than just a little off, we're talking more than two tacos short of a combo plate here. -Ben Peal I think my body just told me to lay off the 'Chef Boyardee' -Ben Peal What a weenie name, Firehawk - you need a cool name like "Great Pre-Historic Penis Bird" -Ben Peal Ya know, you could vomit on all of your Magic cards. That way you'd know which ones are yours, and there would be no incentive to steal them. -Ben Peal British Law prohibits the distribution of pornography for financial gain. What about for the public good? -Dave Pell Mama always told me there would be days like these. Of course, Mama has been trading in long-term treasury bonds so she isn't quite as worried as some today. -Dave Pell San Francisco State University is starting a course that provides an academic approach to cybersex. The course directors had initially employed a Socratic method of teaching, but they had to abandon that strategy as everyone in the class just repeatedly yelled out "Yes! Yes! Oh yes! Oh God yes!". -Dave Pell Sesame Street is leading an effort to make sure that every newborn has a web page at birth. A web page? My future children already have equity in start-ups and are facing a backlog of anti-trust litigation. -Dave Pell the best revenge is your ex getting fat. -Gary Perez A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to convince anyone of the existence of God. -Alan Perlis

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? -Alan Perlis The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -Alan Perlis The fundamental idea of modern capitalism is not the right of the individual to possess and enjoy what he has earned, but the thesis that the exercise of this right redounds to the general good. -Ralph Barton Perry Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -Jeff Pesis There comes a time when one must risk something, or sit forever with one's dreams -Trevor Petersen A day without sunshine is like, night. -J.D. Peterson Arguably only art and music place us higher on the evolutionary ladder than any other species -- that is, until the arrival of Rap. I think we've fallen somewhere behind whales now. -J.D. Peterson Before you go patting yourself on the back, I think you should know that koala bears have opposable thumbs as well, and that vultures, otters and chimpanzees all use tools to gather food. Of course, they don't use variable speed mixers or digital watches, but I think that's actually a point in their favor. -J.D. Peterson

"General Interest" sites are rarely either. -J.D. Peterson It does not matter if you studied at the Sorbonne or not. It does not matter if you spent 5 months, 5 hours or even 5 minutes on your work. It does not matter if you use hot-press illustration board or a napkin; sable brushes or a bic pen. It does not matter what your last

name is or who your friends are. The only thing that matters is that by the time you are done, someone, anyone likes what they see, particularly yourself. -J.D. Peterson there is more to life than increasing its speed. -Wilferd A. Peterson Have I mentioned how bad the idiots in the admissions office suck? I'd like to get medieval with some of them. -Chris Petro Cobol has almost no fervent enthusiasts. As a programming tool, it has roughly the sex appeal of a wrench. --Charles Petzold, "Programming Languages: Survivors and Wannabes" To complete his camouflage, he was also joined at the last moment by four friends, all of whom were themselves dressed in black, though most of whom were probably grievously misled into attending -- after all, the number of people who will willingly attend a film that features giant bugs, exploding heads, and Rae Dawn Chong are few and far between. -The Phantom Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. -Emo Philips Well, like most members of America's cultural elite, I worship PAN, THE GOAT GOD!, but thanks for the thought. -Duke Phillips, The Critic We have not succeeded in solving all your problems. The answers we have found only serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some ways, we feel we are as confused as ever, but we believe we are confused on a higher level and about more important things. -on a door in the Philosophy department Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -Pablo Picasso Two boys arrived yesterday with a pebble they said was the head of a dog until I pointed out that it was really a typewriter. -Pablo Picasso Why don't you find yourself a nice knothole somewhere and shut up?

-Tim Pierce Your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell... -Pinhead, "Hellbound" We must never forget that the ultimate purpose of an explosive is to explode. -Petri Pihko Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. -Rob Pike A lot of effort went into making this effortless. -Mark Pilgrim As a matter of fact I hail from Europe and aim to maintain my sense of "whatever" when it comes to these highly North American city vs. suburbia lifestyles, choices, attitudes or whatever it is y'all argue about. -Lidia Pines No one can lack common sense as much as an intellectual, especially a leftist one, and perhaps most of all a renowned French professor of sociology. -Daniel Pipes The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. -Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance I want to start a line of sex toys called "I Can't Believe It's Not Dick." -Pixie There are worse things than death. And I can do all of them. -Plague, "Hackers"

There is no right and wrong. There is only fun, and boring. -Plague, "Hackers"

Science means unresting endeavor and continually progressing development toward an aim which the poetic intuition may apprehend, but which the intellect can never fully grasp. -Max Planck Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. -Titus Maccius Plautus Career Objective: A challenging position in which I can creatively use my computerrelated skills to help more people die. -Greg Plesur Did you hear about Rob? He drank a whole case of Yoo Hoo in the dark and said "I summon thee with pony and helicopter. With pipe organ and Graham Greene memoirs. I summon thee." His office-mate heard him screaming from down the hall, and when he got into their office Rob was gibbering incoherently and all of his hair was white and he was hiding under his desk hugging his stomach and rocking obsessively. So his officemate said "Damn it, Rob, I've had it up to here with the gibbering and the rocking and the screaming. Every day it's the same god-damned thing. By the way, nice hair." -Greg Plesur Every place has its advantages and disadvantages. Pittsburgh has its snow, but Palo Alto has those giant carrion weasels. You decide which is worse. -Greg Plesur Fade into the logo for 'Unhinged Crunchies' or something.... -Greg Plesur I lost all of my powers during the night, so I just returned to work to resume my "mild mannered programmer" persona until I am needed again. Until then, I wait. -Greg Plesur I still contend that shiftiness is a leading cause of murder. -Greg Plesur I think I identify with bats and squirrels -- small, quick, and potentially full of rabies. -Greg Plesur I think that I can confidently swear, to god and all things holy, that if I AM getting the cold that I suspect is stalking me, I will pick up the pick axe that I bought from Jody and start a spree of crime and killing of Old Testament proportions. I will commit such damage to American civilization that, hundreds of generations from now, parents will be

telling legends about me to their children in front of the camp-fires that will be the most technologically advanced sources of light and heat that I will leave for them to inherit. Where I walk I will leave a trail of scorched and salted earth. Dogs will no longer be domesticated. -Greg Plesur I think you're selling yourself way short by just aspiring to Infomercial Thug. You've clearly got talent, kid, and that talent's going to take you places that my Thugs and I can only imagine. Make me proud. And one day, when you're the Info-Pope looking out on your vast and profitable domain, all of your enemies long since expired on your Spiked Treadmills and sold at a fair mark-up to your white-toothed, wrinkle-free populace, think of me kindly. -Greg Plesur I want to live in a field. That field would be "evil mad scientist who lives alone on an island making his race of freakish supermen with animal DNA and things he found in a meteorite." -Greg Plesur I wouldn't recommend it as a movie, but it's valuable as an example of the advancing state-of-the-art in "dissolving vampire" technology. -Greg Plesur I'd hold my breath, but I'd rather you hold yours. -Greg Plesur I'll tell you what the problem is with kids today. With your computers and your running water and your fancy-schmancy opposable thumbs, you have no appreciation for the sublime. -Greg Plesur I'm not trying to be an advocate of materialism. I'm trying to support a firm policy of "easy answers for difficult times." -Greg Plesur I'm often pissed when people don't notice jokes that make me particularly happy, but in keeping with the season I have chosen to be thankful that I don't get beat up more often. -Greg Plesur I'm philosophically opposed to grounding straps on the grounds that many powers originate with sparks of electricity. Sure, sparks are annoying, but there's a slippery slope; first grounding straps become acceptable, then people start avoiding catwalks spanning

big vats of chemicals, then someone enacts legislation restricting radiation sources within population centers. Do you see where I'm going here? Stop the madness. -Greg Plesur I'm pretty sure that I'd take a pay cut to be 'Irredeemable Idiot,' as long as I'd get to have business cards. I bet the job comes with a cool hat, too. -Greg Plesur If I had to distill all of my thirty years of personal experience into one piece of advice that would most help kids today, it would be this: Kids...Uncle Greg needs a nap right now. Why don't you play quietly in the other room for a couple of minutes. Just a few minutes, that's all I need. Really. Please. -Greg Plesur Infomercial Czar isn't a title that can be bestowed - you have to fight your way to the top in televised cage matches. -Greg Plesur Last night's dream started with a trip to New York and ended with an inter-stellar villain saying "You humans are too puny a race to receive the amount of crime that I can deliver." -Greg Plesur Now I have to decide if I want to battle evil or perpetrate it.... -Greg Plesur Okay, in the pursuit of honesty and because of the respect in which I hold you people I should probably admit that I intend to savor your deaths as I would the gentlest sips of fine wine. Sorry about the initial confusion. -Greg Plesur Other skills might be useful. Send me your resume and a current photo. If I don't feel that there's a named-role suitable to your abilities, you may still be eligible to wear a t-shirt that says "Thug #7." -Greg Plesur

People start out with souls for the same reason that D&D characters start out with a handful of gold - the thing itself isn't too useful, but you can trade it for magic items and cool powers that might come in handy later. -Greg Plesur

Piracy isn't all parrots and eye-patches, you know. There's inspections and paperwork and boring coworkers who never stop talking to you even when you pretend to focus all of your attention on the anchor that you're polishing, and always the ever-present danger of being killed in Somalia to the tune of a Ricky Martin song. -Greg Plesur Raise your hand if this sentence helps you to see the way that English looks to someone who doesn't speak it. -Greg Plesur Technology doesn't kill people. Mighty Fist of Wrath kills people. -Greg Plesur The math to explain it gets complicated, so you have to view it through mythological filters. Basically: Don't piss off Ishtar. -Greg Plesur There's no movie that sucks so much that you can't find good parts to enjoy, and there's no movie so good that you can't find sucky parts to resent. You go to a movie, and it's this big complicated detailed work, and you're the one who gets to pick your focus. You can bitch about the plot holes or rave about the music; the quality of your experience is in your own hands, and no experience is more objectively real than another one. -Greg Plesur Those things are useful for a while, but once you're finally the Centauri Emperor they just nag, nag, nag.... -Greg Plesur today's weather: Sunny, with thunder, rain, hail and snow. It's like living in the End Times every day, without all of that pesky Judgement. -Greg Plesur Urg. I think I'm going to move the whole 'control the world' project to a back-burner while I work on personal growth. -Greg Plesur ...while we were there she got her nose pierced with a relatively big hoop. She asked me my opinion of it, and I said that I really liked it and that it gave her this whole "formidable woman of strength" look. She said that she'd always had that, and I said "Yes you've always had it, but now it's in your nose." -Greg Plesur

World domination is like making a souffle' - if you get yourself embroiled in too many local instabilities, results will be poor. Local instabilities can be created by either alienating religious leaders or slamming the oven door. -Greg Plesur You're a good and valued friend but I probably wouldn't assassinate you without the proper fees, paid in advance. -Greg Plesur I believe there's something in the Bible about "Thou shalt not call anyone insane who owns and is competent with more firearms than you own sharp sticks." -Andrew Plotkin I'm sure there are dozens of "web authorship for cretins" books that have advice on this topic. -Andrew Plotkin If C++ has taught me one thing, it's this: Just because the system is consistent doesn't mean it's not the work of Satan. -Andrew Plotkin It's like looking into the face of death, only it's Gilligan. -Andrew Plotkin It's not virtual reality until you can be tortured to death in it. -Andrew Plotkin Live the imagination. Lick the reality. -Andrew Plotkin On the planet next door to mine, writing poetry is regarded as a sort of metaphorical draining of all the sewage out of your mind. Everyone does it, but nobody has the illusion that anyone else wants to see theirs, or could even understand it. They write it in small dark rooms furnished with cracked mirrors and musty shapeless carpets. When each poem is finished, it's burned in a dirty bucket. -Andrew Plotkin Out of the penis-pan, into the crossfire. -Andrew Plotkin on Bruce selling his Magic cards to buy a paintball gun

So, is it my imagination, or are packets from CS being written out in longhand by epileptics, taped to heavily sedated passenger pigeons, flown across campus, and reentered by front panel toggles stapled to a corpse? -Andrew Plotkin Spelling is hard because English is a slut of a language. I blame the Norman conquest. -Andrew Plotkin You can call me Sugar. This is my pal Milkfat. We're pretty big in town here, and we thought we'd come over and help you get settled in. And epoxy your arteries shut, and kick you in the blood sugar so hard it comes out your ears. Get the picture? -Andrew Plotkin They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. -Edgar Allan Poe It is not news that the United States has the world's most stupid right-wing politicians. What is shocking is that they have managed to attract so many media and opinion makers to join their smear campaign against Bill Clinton. -Danish daily paper Politiken A Harvard law degree or a Stanford MBA is not just a degree. It says everything about who you are. Without it, you're just ordinary. -Roman Popik, former occupant of a 21st story office in the north tower of the World Trade Center, lamenting the destruction of his degree certificates (in the destruction of the towers) An object in motion tends to stay in motion, until it needs gas or a taco or something. -Porsche Carrera S Advertisement I've got quotes that will get me fired. What I need are quotes that will get me laid off. -Corey Porter This week's DFMM unemployment seminar is scheduled for 1:00 PM today (Wednesday October 7, 2009) at the Hollywood Star Lanes. Refreshments will be available at the bar. -Corey Porter You saw him? He calls himself the Marquis de Carabas. He's a fraud and a cheat and possibly even something of a monster. If you're ever in trouble, go to him. He will protect you, girl. He has to.

-Portico, Neverwhere Anyway, the fate of the civilized world lies with you. -Corey Post, Publisher, Generation Next magazine Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with the operating system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it. Dijkstra, as I'm sure you all know, was the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming methodology, applauded by Pascal Programmers and Quiche Eaters alike. -Ed Post, "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal" Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied, "You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. -Ed Post, "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal" When I got out of school, I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000 line programs that WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000 line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual talent. -Ed Post, "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal" The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in Women. No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. -Ed Post, "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal" When it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. -Ed Post, "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal" i mean, there are only 12 notes in western music anyway - how hard can it be to stumble around them until it sounds good? -Simon Postford Taunting death is only fun until you lose. -Andrew Potratz

As no less an authority than the Pat Robertson has stated that all witches are in league with Satan, I would like to see a side of Samantha that only comes to the surface after a few Zima XXXs. -Scott Potter A proper salad consists of 6 parts gin and one part verouth strained over ice into a glass with two olives -Scott Potter may the first person not in a glass house throw the first stone. -Scott Potter for much of the Internet, the shortest path between two points doesn't exist. -Kevin Poulsen I can see it now...'It's summer, we're bored, we're all gonna go out and get lives!' -Lynne Powell You know, it's not a good idea to end a psalm with "dammit". -Lynne Powell The way of the laptop user is as a stony path strewn with plugs and sockets, all the wrong size... -Terry Pratchett Well, it looks like the excrement has hit the rotating oscillator. -Faisal Premji Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters. -Ross Presser Specialization is for insects. -John Prevost What's that, Lassie? What, girl? Klingons? Off the starboard bow? -John Prevost Civilization can be reduced to the following: "I need a hug. Go away." Unable to solve this conundrum, and having nothing better to do in the meantime, we build cathedrals and drink heavily. -Tom Price

The Genie can smell fear. -Tom Price To be happy for a day: drink beer. To be happy for a year: get married. To be happy for a lifetime: buy a BMW touring bike. -Tom Price so, I have a bit of a dilemma. On the one hand, I hate life. On the other hand, I just made blackberry cobbler. How can I hate life while eating blackberry cobbler? -Jody Prival If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong. -prcpj@panix.com Do not be arrogant because of your knowledge, but confer with the ignorant man as with the learned. -Ptahhotpe Obviously, the heroin-fueled fleshpot of Moscow gives rise to passages that some readers may find shocking. Rest assured that we toned down some of the lewdest parts to appease the delicate sensibilities of suburban readers who feign offense to our back-of-the-book sex ads while reaping the economic benefits of the valley's porn-fueled economic prosperity. -Dan Pulcrano, Metro ("Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper")

quotes: q
If you can't take a little bloody nose maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed. It's not safe out here. It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross, but it's not for the timid. -Q, Star Trek: The Next Generation Monster AI is still in development. Some monsters may seem to be ignoring you until you actually shoot them. This is because as small aliens they refused to eat their humans and as a result suffered brain damage. We will be taking measures to ensure that all aliens receive a proper diet before the final release. -Quake 2 Demo disclaimer Sleep is optional... -Quicktime 7.0 development team memo If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. -Thomas De Quincey Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional. -Brian Quinn I don't want to be a software engineer. I want to design weapons of mass destruction. -Jen Quirin

quotes: r
Our industry is made up of a bunch of lemmings. When was the last time you heard an original idea from a venture capitalist? -Andy Rachleff, General Partner, Benchmark Capital I had 3 cups of coffee at the yard. Being wired is like being drunk except I don't enjoy it. -Ben Raia Who needs acid when you're high on life? Who needs life when you're high on acid? -Tzufit Ram trying to do normal file manipulation tasks with the BASH shell is like trying to trim your nails by sticking your hand down the kitchen disposal -David Ramsey From the wheel to the skyscraper, everything we are and everything we have comes from a single attribute of man -- the function of his reasoning mind. -Ayn Rand Great men can't be ruled. -Ayn Rand One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for you." The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie Kelly?" He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. -Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" They were majoring in two subjects: physics and philosophy. Their choice amazed everybody but me: modern thinkers considered it unnecessary to perceive reality, and modern physicists considered it unnecessary to think. I knew better; what amazed me was that these children knew it, too. -Ayn Rand

When I die, I hope to go the Heaven, whatever the Hell that is. -Ayn Rand Sometimes I regret having invented logic. -Ayn Rand, Forum2000 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. -Jeannette Rankin The UNIX tools that are on the Internet were designed as dummy programs to distract the hackers, by being mis-designed, cruddy, and full of security holes. The idea was the the hackers would just romp all over the UNIX machines and never go after the important or interesting stuff, which all runs on VMS, MVS, MULTICS, and Plan 9. Unfortunately, the plan has backfired, and UNIX seems to have survived better than was expected. Bummer. -Markus Ranum UNIX software sets a new standard in bad, generally. That's because it was accreted, not designed and, as usual, security was the last thing in the designer's minds. Usually it was an afterthought. Often the designers of Important Internet Applications were bashing stuff together as a research toy and -- ooops -- it got popular so now it's a product how can we secure it? -Markus Ranum I am going to become a disenchanted technodork or I'm going to die trying! -Chris Rapier Get a grip loserboy... Your idea of hate is a pathetic and sickly creature in comparison to the hatred that fuels this world. Your hatred makes you write a couple of half-assed posts and gnash your teeth in frustration. Real hatred makes you go out and grab someone you don't know by the throat while you pour mace directly into his eyes nose and mouth. Hate is when you then take this coughing gasping crying wretch and beat him until your hand is bleading and cracked. hate is looking back on it and knowing that you would do it again and you would enjoy it even more the next time. Hatred is bending your life and will around some abstract focus in an effort to destroy it at any price to yourself and those you care for. Your hatred is a gasping hollow-chested cousin of real hate. It lashes out weakly at anything that moves without focus or follow through. It is a petty and small hate. You have a lot to learn about hate, boy. -Chris Rapier Hello I am Monsieur BastardMan! -Chris Rapier

I am home. For home is where you hang your hat! And since i don't have a hat I don't have a home so everyplace is as good as no place. Thus, I am home. or mad. one or the other. -Chris Rapier I don't have to be cynical, it just works out that way. -Chris Rapier I had a clue once and didn't like it much. I took it back and they gave me an attitude instead. -Chris Rapier I hate life, I hate death. Everything in between just doesn't interest me. -Chris Rapier I love Valentine's Day because it holds so many pleasant memories for me. The joy of being given anti-be mine cards in grade school. The thrill of spending year after year alone and depressed. The total rapture of being dumped after driving 300 miles to surprise someone. Need I mention the ecstacy of dating a psycho freak over Valentine's Day whose idea of a good time was turning off all the lights and slitting her wrists? Of course, thats all behind me now. Currently I just get to deal with being 200 miles away from my fiance almost everyday. -Chris Rapier I tell ya, there is nothing like getting up in the morning and the first thing you see are three cats sitting on your bed staring at you. Its my own fault though, I shouldn't have worn that mickey mouse hat to bed. -Chris Rapier If life didn't suck, would you know what was going on? -Chris Rapier My computer is so powerful that it ran the entire program in a negative amount of time. That's right, it started printing up PI before it had even compiled the little sucker. Hell, it regularly spits out new Penrose tile formations using 15 randomly generated tile forms in under a nanosecond. Then it makes my coffee, gives me a handjob and signs my paychecks. -Chris Rapier Oh, you mean Psychoposer? -Chris Rapier

...sex sometimes is just more of a pain than a pleasure. Much like email. -Chris Rapier then we go out for sushi and genocide. -Chris Rapier So we blew them up. Then we killed all of the customers. Best move we ever made. -Chris Rapier Whenever the subject comes up on what is or is not good music I always recall what Charlie Parker said when asked how can you tell good jazz from bad jazz... "If it sounds good, it is good. Ahhhh" Then I smile wryly and start knocking gobbets of flesh out of people with a full auto shotgun with belt box feeder. Ahhh... -Chris Rapier ... for extra bonus points, compare and constrast the rise of Byzantine civilization with the Toltec-Olmec transitory period (proper usage of the terms meso-america, cultural drift, weasel and rich creamery butter is necessary for a passing grade). -Chris Rapier Will you stop being enigmatic for just a minute? Please??? -Chris Rapier Ya see, I don't think that life is just about making money. I want a certain level of personal satisfaction to come from my life. Producing disposable code doesn't cut it for me. I'd much rather be an itinerant bum living off of what I steal from the people I kill. -Chris Rapier you work with freaks because you live in a city of hippie crunchy punky new age technophilic wannabe dorques who couldn't find their way out of a tautology with a flash light and David Hume. -Chris Rapier You should try spending 14 years hanging out on a dry twig waiting for some dumb warm-blooded fool to walk past so you can jump on it, suck out some blood, lay some eggs and later get eaten by your own young. I tell you it's not easy being a lawyer. -Chris Rapier Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them in the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. -Jef Raskin

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster then any other invention with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila -Mitch Ratcliffe Thirty's quite a shock, isn't it? Especially when you're as young as you are. -Lyle Rausch I like my mixed metaphors shaken, not stirred, thank you. -Eric Raymond Unlike the typically poker-faced East Coast Venture Capitalists who during conversation seem perpetually lost in mental calculations as to how to rip 50 percent of the equity out of your idea, the Idea Lab folks mask their equity-gouging agenda with pleasant smiles and nonchalance. -R. Scott Raynovich My fellow Americans, I have just signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. -Ronald Reagan (attributed) Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. -Ronald Reagan Trust, but verify. -Ronald Reagan Who wouldn't want a good girl, a soft hand, a gentle woman for a gentleman? He said, 'It's been fine so far but after awhile I want more than a soft style. I want some slashes to go with those long eyelashes.' -Recoil, "Breath Control" Ah, to be a kid again, footloose and fancy free... and annoying as hell! -Kat Reeves Here's what I do for relief when I get a bad headache, I click my heels together three times and say, "kill me." Ok, so it doesn't usually work, but I figure if I just keep trying, my odds are BOUND to go up. -Kat Reeves

cuz I miss your killer wit, your biting sarcasm, your superior intellect.... Oh wait, that's me, heh, sorry. -Kat Reeves More than anything else, Windows XP reminds one of a tourist trap. You arrive in a foreign city, and a handsome stranger walks up to you and says he will show you around the city. He offers to take you to the very best shops and restaurants. But you soon realize that he is taking you only to places that are owned by his relatives or by someone who gives him a kickback. -Tom Regan I'm just sitting here basking in the glow of my socks. -Christy Regenhardt 7 pm is fine by me. i think i can manage most of josh's list, except for the underage blonde hookers. -Christy Regenhardt sorry about your computer trauma - this is why i work with people - no one expects them to work correctly. -Christy Regenhardt This article is to prevent various automatic software from thinking this is an empty newsgroup and nuking it. If this had been a real article you would have become titillated. -Brian Reid In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. -Chuck Reid ... Perhaps of even greater significance is the continuous and profound distrust of science and technology that the environmental movement displays. The environmental movement maintains that science and technology cannot be relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives. When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that there is one area in which the environmental movement displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability of science and technology, an area in which, until recently, no one -- even the staunchest supporters of science and technology -- had ever thought to assert very much confidence at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds, that science and technology can do so well that we are entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST THE WEATHER! -- for the next one hundred years... -George Reisman, "The Toxicity of Environmentalism"

You should see the hate e-mail I get. We have met the enemy, and he can't spell. -Cathy Renna of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation as quoted in theWashington Post, Oct. 27, 2001 People deny reality. They fight against real feelings caused by real circumstances. They build mental worlds of shoulds, oughts, and might-have-beens. -David Reynolds Those who say money can't buy happiness, don't know where to shop. -rgv9488@ritvax.isc.rit.edu Those who say money isn't everything, tend to have none. -rgv9488@ritvax.isc.rit.edu The album's quite a release once you get over the fact that it sounds like people being tortured in the engine room of an aircraft carrier. -Dylan Rhoads Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read. -Elisabeth Anne Riba Its not the heat I mind... Its the Humanity. -Ryan Richards breakbeats are so passe, unless they actually break something. -Brian "Skinny" Richardson See, what it boils down to is taste. And discretion. For example, when Gene Roddenberry died, even the very first person to post 'he's dead, Jim' was still an unoriginal, annoying weenie. -RICHH If men could get pregnant not only would abortions be legal but you could get them at McDonalds. -John Ridley Or, if she's looking for a male date, why does she want someone gay in particular? (other than the obvious fact that gay men are better looking than straight men?) -Donna Riley You are a bitter young man...

-Kirsten Riley You are so funny... If only I could remember your name. -Kirsten Riley You can't make an omelette without breaking some people you don't like much anyway, so 'Any time is omelette time,' I say. -Louche Rimbaud Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos were lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards.' -Rincewind the Wizard Actually, now that you mention it, you may be right. Sex would utterly rule in a 75mm aspect ratio and with THX-approved speakers in full surround sound and stuff, but in real life.and it should come with popcorn, too, and maybe have sequels and stuff. -Adam Rixey All men are created evil. Some are just more evil than others. -Adam Rixey Goths are sort of like mimes with long hair and trenchcoats. Neat. -Adam Rixey I hate that part of the day where i've read all the newsgroups and looked at all the interesting web pages so now it's either just sit here bored or do work. -Adam Rixey

I think it's also pretty sad when I say a movie doesn't have enough action, yet it has like 30 decapitations, a disembowelment, multiple dismemberments, shotgun fu, assault rifle fu, people being impaled on pretty much everything, spontaneous phosphor combustion, priest torture, and god knows what else. -Adam Rixey ...I'm not sure what my answer would be.... If the question were "sex, drugs, rock'n'roll, or a high speed net connection" the choice would be much easier. -Adam Rixey

Is that the one where they were swimming in scuba gear around the hot water vents and the big tube worms were attacking them so G.I. Joe and Cobra briefly teamed up to kill, maim, and destroy the life they did not understand but then once the worms were gone they went back to shooting at each other with color-coded laser weapons that, even though these are the two most highly-funded armies in the world, have yet to injure one human being? -Adam Rixey probably just wait until the right moment to make a move and have her rip my heart out and toss some quicklime on it and then throw it in a blender, chug it, snarf it so it goes out her nose, and then flush the remnants down the toilet. -Adam Rixey Some sort of demon materializing and shredding the hell out of the mosh pit would have fit in perfectly with the whole atmosphere they created and, I should add, easily have made this the Coolest Show In History -Adam Rixey There's a Mentos commercial in the middle of Aliens when Ripley first uses the loader thing. What a retard. -Adam Rixey well, I have to rule out stuff like "stalks me after sleeping with him" or "boils my pets" or "puts chewed up carrots in my most private places" because I simply don't have access to any sample data. -Adam Rixey Humanity has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. -Tom Robbins ...to emphasize the afterlife is to deny life. To concentrate on Heaven is to create hell. In their desperate longing to transcend the disorderliness, friction, and unpredictability that pesters life; in their desire for a fresh start in a tidy habitat, germ-free and secured by angels, religious multitudes are gambling the only life they may ever have on a dark horse in a race that has no finish line. -Tom Robbins When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is. -Robespierre

It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. -Pat Robertson on equal rights I really wish I could come up with glib repartee like you guys. But I can't. So I'll just paralyze you. -Noah Robin Other people's insurance doesn't bring you back from the dead. Mine will, but I haven't managed to scrape up the "200 souls of 16-year-old virgins" deductible yet. -Noah Robin Finance is a gun. Politics is knowing when to pull the trigger. -Enzo Robutti as Don Licio Lucchesi in The Godfather, Part III Everybody wants a person who's into them. I always wanted someone to want me for being Chris -- not for being the famous guy on TV. But I'll never know who's really down with me unless I'm so broke I'm trying to mail letters with food stamps. But I'm doing okay. Everybody's your friend when you're doing okay. -Chris Rock I have no use for men who fail. I want successful men as my associates. -John D. Rockefeller At one time, Kybx and I planned to be old ladies together -- we PLANNED to be the crazy old ladies who lived in the scary old house at the end of the street with a million cats in it that the kids all threw rocks at. It's A PLAN. NOT A SICKNESS. -Elizabeth Rodgers A few comments on the language at the center of the galaxy. The great, hulking, sucking black hole of a language as massive and lifeless as a thousand dead suns. A gargantuan monster of a language that... ...has...... recently...... been... STANDARDIZED! Don't let anyone tell you C++ isn't standardized. It is standardized. Oh, boy, is it ever standardized. It's so standardized you can envision the entire ANSI C++ standards committee standing up, pointing to their crotches and shouting, "We Got Your Standardized RIGHT HERE!" -Robert Rodgers As you can see, smoking offers the best long term investment. Plus, by investing in tobacco companies, I can take part in the death of over 300,000 people per year. What more could a man want?

-Robert Rodgers Blaming society for your problems is like blaming crowds for rain. -Robert Rodgers COBOL. Hell's language. In Hell. C and C++ programmers decipher and maintain undocumented decades-old code written in a language they don't even know, which was maintained by people who didn't know COBOL. -Robert Rodgers Congratulations, StarFighter, you have now reached the level of mid semester senior. Your score is 1390 for 360 moves. Would you like to proceed (Y/N)? -Robert Rodgers Cybersex. I'm still waiting for someone to admit that the sight of some computer type sitting infront of his computer with a fake vagina wired to the parallel port is rather sad and not exciting. -Robert Rodgers Damn. But just goes to prove the law of computing: Abandon All Hope of Good Products Ye Who Enter Here. -Robert Rodgers Don't bring the facts into this! -Robert Rodgers FACT: The web sucks and it does NOT SCALE WELL. This should be obvious to, well, everyone in the universe. Even the dumb parts of the universe. -Robert Rodgers God, that's amazing. Good design on Unix -- hell, it's like finding gold in your back yard. About as likely, too. -Robert Rodgers God hates me. This I know. I saw it in the shape of my Quaker Instant Oatmeal this morning. The tracks and valleys left by the spoon were unusual and probably demonic. -Robert Rodgers Hey, cool. I can just see it-- some of these quotes come back to haunt me (ruin my career, future, marriage, plans to take over the world and deliver it unto Satan). -Robert Rodgers

How much analysis was required for this conclusion? Did they do both nostrils, or just one? -Robert Rodgers I have come to the conclusion that Celine Dion is an alien and that her so-called "music" is actually sinister mind control beams. I am fortunately resistant and can hear the "music" for the shrill, awful, pouty crapola that it is, but it is evident to me that much of humanity has fallen into the alien's sinister grip. My contacts have also let it be known to me that a certain race of strictly homosexual herion addicted blue-skinned planetary observers has elected Leonardo DiCaprio their leader. -Robert Rodgers Is this a pervert? -Robert Rodgers on fan mail I wish there was some masked avenger who would travel the world and garrote anyone who uses the "Wi-Fi" moniker. -Robert Rodgers I wonder how hard the LSAT is... I wonder if I could get into law school... I wonder if I could be a lawyer without choking myself to death one cold, quiet winter night... -Robert Rodgers I've got half a gig of 3d videos in my pants, and I'm not glad to see you. -Robert Rodgers I've prepared some interesting PowerPoint presentations on how to do efficient OpenGL programming and now, INSTEAD OF SHOWING THEM TO YOU, I AM GOING TO SET THEM ON FIRE!!! -Robert Rodgers If Kellog's was a country, and Fruit Loops their currency, what factors would affect the exchange rate? -Robert Rodgers It's an ALIEN! Yes, an ALIEN. A big hulking alien. My groggy but functioning automatic response program IS operational. It says, "What the hell are you talking about?" Make note for future: this is probably not the best way to handle a first contact. -Robert Rodgers It's interesting that, once you get your second wind, you discover that the brain doesn't need sleep at all. Sleep is a myth and a product of cultural influences. The brain just

needs Mountain Dew. Now, the eyelids, that's another issue. For that I think you'd need to go intravenous. -Robert Rodgers Lost World combines all the cliches like the Kmart of Filmmaking was having a liquidation sale. -Robert Rodgers Lost World didn't make enough sense to be insulting, and even at the moments when you know Speilberg was sitting in the cutting room saying "geeze, that really sucks.. I can't show that to a paying audience.. Well.. Maybe with music.." you don't really feel slapped the way, say, in Congo you do when Tim Curry is doing the worst impression of a gay Romanian treasure hunter in, well, ever. -Robert Rodgers Obviously, you have the brains of a kitchen blender. -Robert Rodgers using IRC Oh, hey, good news. They're filming Species 3. -Robert Rodgers Our research methods consisted of picking our noses while making obvious assumptions. -Robert Rodgers on PC World reporting Severed Heads: It's not just a rock band anymore. -Robert Rodgers Software is about getting things working. It is not about pretending to be a math guy. -Robert Rodgers Some part of me wants to make a sheet of jokes that start with "A naive startup walks into a bar..." -Robert Rodgers Still, the battle is not over. We have managed to corrupt the academic world, but the commercial world stands firm. They insist on using languages that actually allow the development of large, complex programs. Until we convince the Western Imperialist Capitalist Industrialists to use ML, our victory will not be complete! -Robert Rodgers Surely the strong and noble residents are down to earth types. They are people of the soil. They know about nature and toil. These people are not going to be antsy, panicky, afraid-

of-a-leetle-leezard types. If the lizard has them scared, it must be because it is mightier than their SUVs and meaner than the many Lexus vehicles they have arrayed in their defense. -Robert Rodgers This really sucks -- if I wanted an X feel on Windows, I'd pound a pencil through my forehead. -Robert Rodgers There's nothing like a few good corpses to help along natural selection. -Robert Rodgers This is one of many special ML features to encourage good code by preventing any code from being written. ... Think about it all the liability you avoid by never shipping anything! -Robert Rodgers This translates roughly as, "why buy music/food/whatever when you can buy RAM?" -Robert Rodgers Thought for the day: Asking someone if they're on crack may not be the ideal way of saying, "What, are you high?" -Robert Rodgers Thought for the future: if you fall behind, and get sick, and blow two exams because you are sick as a dog and have three exams and a project due in one WEEK, no matter HOW well you do on the final exam you CANNOT get more than a C. Obvious solution: don't get behind. Real-world solution: don't get sick. -Robert Rodgers To sum it up, ... A computer scientist needs a tie like a bat needs sunglasses. A computer scientist needs a tie like a composer needs a stroke. A computer scientist needs a tie like a prostate needs cancer. A computer scientist needs a tie like an opera needs a chainsaw. A computer scientist needs a tie like baby food needs glass shards. A computer scientist needs a tie like kool aide needs cyanide. -Robert Rodgers Want an example of the, oh, worst possible syntax for a construction? Look to ML, the language with the magical changing syntax. -Robert Rodgers

Well, there's the problem right there. They should be investing in forward thinking technologies like the web, which being forward looking, doesn't look back, and turned out to be implemented atop a protocol that made every mistake and wrong decision that the very earliest versions of NFS made and corrected with experience. -Robert Rodgers Whackamole is holy. How dare they change it. I'm going to blow up a Burger King over this. -Robert Rodgers What the hell kind of weird group is this? One album is a likeable sort of techno/rave/eurotrash, and the other one is like... TORI AMOS. doing ACID. while SUCKING HELIUM. and singing ______ EASY LISTENING EIGHTIES OLDIES ________ -Robert Rodgers (1) mp3 players do not bother to verify the format of the file you hand them beyond the header (2) if you transfer an MP3 in ascii mode, you get one of the weirdest audio experiences I've ever heard (3) especially if it's the A Team theme. -Robert Rodgers The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. -Will Rogers Profits are better than wages. Wages make you a living; Profits make you a fortune. -Jim Rohn If you have sex with a cow, you basically win. -Terry Rokop Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character. -Henry Rollins Sleep deprivation makes everything really neat. -Henry Rollins i'm not here to help--i'm here to torment under the guise of helping.

-Rick Romero A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. -Franklin Delano Roosevelt Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those who neither enjoy much or suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. -Theodore Roosevelt It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles; or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deed, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. -Theodore Roosevelt The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it. -Theodore Roosevelt I take every chance I can get to publicly apologize for 'Gone In 60 Seconds'. -Scott Rosenberg, screenwriter

Freedom is not a gift from the state, it's the space we hack out for ourselves in the face of the powermongers and their apologists in academia and the media, who have a seemingly genetic predisposition to try to take it away from us. -Louis Rosetto I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of persecution at all times. -Gavin Rossdale Look, it's my misery that I have to paint this kind of painting, it's your misery that you have to love it, and the price of the misery is thirteen hundred and fifty dollars. -Mark Rothko

Silence is so accurate. -Mark Rothko Imagine a world without hypothetical situations. -Debbie Rothman There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain. -Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. -La Rochefoucauld Sex is our calling, and there's nothing we think about more. When a woman passes an attractive man on the street, she may imagine being on his arm, kissing him wildly under the stars. When a guy passes an attractive woman on the street, he's invented 16 new sexual positions faster than Big Blue can calculate a chess move. That's the sort of ingenuity that builds nations. -Chip Rowe And don't forget, ladies, that nothing says 'I care' quite like a restraining order.... -Eric Rowe I love the smell of sophistry in the morning. -Eric Rowe It seems like one click shopping is a reality that can be granted a patent, but one click stop Amazon's spam is only pie in the sky. -Tom Rowland Just did poorly on my Operating Systems midterm. The last question (25% of the grade) was completely unintelligible. It was on semaphores but since I didn't understand it let me use a history analogy. The question was the computer science equivalent of 'Write a 6-8 page essay on the communist regime in China.' To which my analogous answer was 'It sucked.' -Dave Roy Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.

-Steve Rubenstein it's called life. deal. -Deanna Rubin That a majority should be able to compel others to live in their kind of world is specifically what those who founded our country did not believe in. -Herman Rubin Virtual Hair - the wave of the future! I can see it now. Hair club for men becomes obsolete... -Sylvia A Rudy When a woman has been scorned there are no accidents. -Christen Runge I like the stress, it keeps me bright-eyed and perky. Okay, wild-eyed and high-strung, whatever. -Jan Ruocco It is with deepest regrets we must inform you that you're a weenie. -Matt Rupert I myself manage to hold large numbers of wholly irreconcilable views simultaneously, without the least difficulty. I do not think others are less versatile. -Salman Rushdie If there were in the world today a large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others we could have a paradise in a few years. -Bertrand Russell It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. -Bertrand Russell Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. -Bertrand Russell Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education. -Bertrand Russell

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. -Bertrand Russell Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. -Bertrand Russell The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it. -Bertrand Russell The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. -Bertrand Russell Well... everybody's being very careful, these days, sexually, but there are still several pockets of promiscuity... the Marines and the Evangelists. -Mark Russell What IS a 'moderate Iranian', anyway? Someone who takes hostages but doesn't eat them? -Mark Russell All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -Ernest Rutherford Life always sucks. It's just that sometimes that feels very good. -Kevin Ryan When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. -Frederick Ryder

quotes: s
In this world there are two kinds of pinatas my friend, those filled with candy and those filled with nitroglycerine. -sabbott@nmsu.edu A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. -Carl Sagan In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. -Carl Sagan, Cosmos In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never

hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time someting like that happened in politics or religion. -Carl Sagan It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese. -Carl Sagan Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people. -Carl Sagan Scepticism and re-evaluation are necessities, not luxuries. -Edward Said No, I'm a middle-class white criminal. I got a slap on the wrist. -Jim Salsman

For him that steals, or borrows and returns not, a book from its owner, let it change into a serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck with palsy, and all his members blasted. Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, and let there be no surcease to his agony till he sing in dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw at his entrails -inscribed in the library of the monastery of San Pedro, in Barcelona Neural nets are cool. I have one. I like to put alcohol on it. -Manuel Sanches Every time a computer science student graduates, another free software project goes into 'maintenance mode'. -Fletcher Sandbeck This is no time to act like a gentleman. I am a cad and shall react like one. -George Sanders

It's a choice that's been offered to many men: Be a slave in Heaven or a star in Hell; and Hell does not always look like Hell - on a good day it can look a lot like L.A. -Dr. Eugene Sands, Playing God Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -George Santayana Karma is like justice without the satisfaction. And I don't believe in justice. -Joe Sarno, The Way of the Gun The only thing you can assume about a broken-down old man is that he's a survivor. -Joe Sarno, The Way of the Gun Competition brings out the worst in people and the best in products. -David Sarnov As the years went by, Apple management's reaction to its steady decline was to insist that its products would win because they were better, and to continually charge more for them until, by 1994, it decided it would allow clones to be built after all. This was followed by the decision that it would not allow clones to be built after all, then by a decision that it would allow it, then it wouldn't, and finally, no one cared. -SatireWire

If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git' -Alexei Sayle Recently, my personal advisors have been telling me to go to America. Actually, people have been walking up to me in the street and telling me to sod off, but that's the same thing, isn't it? -Alexei Sayle p.s. Just kidding about the small furry animals. I would't kill them REALLY, I might just try to hurt their feelings a little though. -Phillip R. Scarr

The US military is, in spite of the efforts of the past few years by a whole lot of selfserving politicians, a junkyard dog on a short leash. In most cases harmless, but if you piss its owners off enough for them to slip the leash, it's time to bend over and smile. -sscrivener@earthlink.net A haiku is a a Japanese poem containing three lines of five, seven, and five syllables, containing a cutting, or pause, word, as well as spam, oelestra, or Spice Girls imagery. -Joshua Schachter And remember -- if you can't be creative or interesting, you can be cute and naked. -Joshua Schachter Been there, done that, threw away the t-shirt. -Joshua Schachter Blah...I'm bored. Let's go out and get new girlfriends. -Joshua Schachter FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. BACKSPACE IS DELETE. -Joshua Schachter he who controls the spice girls controls the universe! -Joshua Schachter I AM A REAL PROGRAMMER. IF IT DOESN'T COME FROM A VENDING MACHINE, I DON'T EAT IT. -Joshua Schachter I don't actually have a clue... but that's never stopped me before... although that's never helped me succeed -Joshua Schachter Remind me next time I'm writing program to have the error messages rhyme. -Joshua Schachter i was going to, in fact, deliver an insult so horrible and mind blowing that your personality and psyche would have been utterly destroyed. however, i have decided that it would not be worth it to lose you as a person so i'll just mention i could have done so. -Joshua Schachter i use sweet'n low in my coffee so a sugar rush doesn't interfere with my caffeine rush

-Joshua Schachter I'm depressed ... It's a cheap way to show yourself a bad time. -Joshua Schachter i'm running IE 10.0 on Server 2008. i'm so bleeding edge that i am sliced so thin it makes the average deli vendor green with envy. -Joshua Schachter If you freak her out and she winds up in the hospital then YOU WIN. -Joshua Schachter it turns out that it is not better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all. it's better to not look like an idiot while doing so. -Joshua Schachter so kill me, or i'll send the intel bunny people to do their thing on your ass. -Joshua Schachter The only problem with the game so far is that I haven't figured out a good way to make money yet, so for ten bucks a month I get to roleplay a homeless person. -Joshua Schachter There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -Joshua Schachter

you forget that i'm jewish. so to me, the pope is an annoying public leader that i didn't even vote for -Joshua Schachter you've raise some very interesting and important issues. i'll spank you later -Joshua Schachter Your zen-fu sucks. -Joshua Schachter I gave up luck in high school. I prefer a little deadly force myself. -Dutch Schaefer, Predator Life is a joke, and death is the ultimate punch line. Welcome to hell.

-Trevor Schadt A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. -Phyllis Schafly Allow me to begin. Imagine the mezzanine level between Squalor and Gutter, join me, if you will, in the gentle transition between the Eighth and Ninth Circle of Hell. Milkman Dan has been invited several times, but has declined on the pretext of "early morning roadkill cookoffs". Only the hopeless, the deranged, and the existential need apply. Thank you. -Ridgely Schantz And when you beg to lick my killing floor, be sure to bring your Mastercard, because I will take your soul, but I won't take American Express. -Ridgely Schantz I have Windows Vista on my computer. I'm not wowed, but neither have I been adversely affected. But, then, my geekdom is limited to minor modifications. So for me, Microsoft is the reclusive serial killer down the hallway with whom I am not intimately involved enough to be explicitly aware of the damage he's doing. I just sit home and eat my steak tartar quietly. -Ridgely Schantz If she comes at you with an orangestick and nail polish, be warned: SHE's BEEN DRINKING. Malt liquor and manicures don't mix. Come to think of it, not much does mix with malt liquor so I suggest you drink fast. -Ridgely Schantz Inside you're laughing. ... Outside you're covered with creamy nougat. -Ridgley Schantz Okay, I have you slated for "Carnage, Massive and Widespread" as well as "Pillage, Plunder, Other" and "Semi-Divine Escort (Brunhilde, Gunhilla, Sigurd: your choice of)". -Ridgely Schantz Pennsylvania is just a state that gets in your way when you're trying to get to other states! -Ridgely Schantz The correct expression is "my date". If ya can't bring a date to your own wedding...well, then, consider civilization collapsed. -Ridgely Schantz

just to set the record straight: the roswell aliens, adolf hitler, JFK, elvis, lee harvey oswald and a short-order cook from missoula are all living on a sumptious estate owned by howard hughes just outside of buenos aires. -Ethan Schartman watch out for the volvo station wagons, too. actually, i think that the only station wagon it's permissable to buy is a powder blue late model buick roadmaster with faux wood panelling, and the driver's door has to be primer brown. no hub caps, neither. (of course, my personal dream car is a flat-black cadillac hearse with a chopped top, racing slicks, supercharger with enormous hood scoop, and nitrous oxide - though the nitrous has to be plumbed into the vent system, not the engine:) -Ethan Schartman Web people don't care about your dumb design. -John Schmitz Security is a process, not a product. -Bruce Schneier If atheism is a religion, then bald is a hair color. -Mark Schnitzius A pact between Microsoft and Barney. Sealed in purple blood. -Dmitri Schoeman kill me now...uh...better yet, kill him now. -Dmitri Schoeman Genetic engineering is like legos, only with really small blocks. -Dmitri Schoeman I'd like a large bowl of angst with a side order of frustration, no catsup. -Dmitri Schoeman say, josh, if I type a death threat to the president, will you send it from your email account for me? -Dmitri Schoeman Every person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the world. -Schopenhauer

To help you truly appreciate how we will verbally communicate with tomorrow's computers, stop thinking of Star Trek and instead imagine in your mind's ear the sociopathic musings of a digital Robert De Niro. -Michael Schrage They wouldn't know subtlety if it painted itself purple and jumped up and down in front of them singing "Subtlety is here again"... -Ian Schrieber, paraphrasing from Black Adder III The Pledge of Allegiance says 'liberty and justice for all'. Which part of 'all' don't you understand? -Rep. Pat Schroeder (D) Colorado Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -Charles Schultz Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction. -E. F. Schumacher Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the whole truth. -Stephen R. Schwambach As far as Saddam Hussein being a great military strategist, he is neither a strategist, nor is he schooled in the operational arts, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a soldier. Other than that, he's a great military man, I want you to know that. -General Norman Schwarzkopf I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting. -General Norman Schwarzkopf An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind. -Albert Schwietzer Be slow in choosing a friend, but slower in changing him.

-Scottish Proverb I've suffered for my music, ladies and gentlemen. Now it's your turn. -Raymond Scum It is regrettable for the education of the young that war stories are always told by those who survived. -Louis Scutenaire The simple fact is that Apple always was Steve's company, even when he wasn't there. The force that allowed Apple to survive more than a decade of bad leadership, cluelessness and constant mistakes was the legacy of Steve's original Art. That legacy was not just an OS that was 10 years ahead of the rest of the world, but a Cause that induced a righteousness of purpose centered around a will to innovate -- to perpetuate the original artistic achievements. -Doc Searls If someone tells you that the fully armored man of the Middle Ages was so encumbered by his armor that he could not rise if he fell, you may well ask yourself, first, if it is reasonable to assume that professional soldiers would go on wearing armor that kept them from fighting... -Nicole Sebastiani We need the ribbon for evidence. -Secret Service agent regarding confiscation of an SJG laser printer I've conquered your love with my hate. -Secret Squirrel They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--The last words of General John Sedgwick, Battle of Spotsylvania Courthouse, 1864 Seems to me the basic conflict between man and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. -Jerry Seinfeld As usual with true stories, I hate to say that someone's life wasn't quite as exciting as a flock of animated chickens, but it's true. -The Self-Made Critic, on _The Perfect Storm_

This career is supposed to be really high paying. Oh well. At least I'm not out on the corner of Market and Van Ness with a cardboard sign saying "Will Animate For Food. God Bless" -Terri Selting Bush's family values campaign: The major thrust of Hitler's ascent to power was the return of traditional German family. The slogan was 'Kinder, kuche, kirche;' in English, "Children, kitchen, church." The Third Reich believed the return to tradtional family values was threatened only by Jews, socialists, feminists, and homosexuals. Creepy, huh? -Tara M. Seman There is no great genius free from some tincture of madness. -Seneca The mass media is supported and sustained by commercial entities. And corn flakes and Shakespeare are simply not kissing cousins. Leonard Bernstein and living bras are incompatible. And you cannot sustain adult, probing, meaningful drama when the proceedings are interrupted every twelve minutes by a dozen dancing rabbits with toilet paper. -Rod Serling Adults are just obsolete chidren, and to hell with them. -Dr. Seuss I was sitting on a curb one day feeling all dejected, and a little bird came along and said 'cheer up, it could be worse', so I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse. -Dan Shafer When things start to make sense, check your premises! -Dan Shafer Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world. -Mary Shafer, NASA ...when sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions. -William Shakespeare Here's a hot scoop for all the millions of viewers who watch the NBC lineup on Thursday nights: For the next few weeks the stupid sitcom "Suddenly Susan" will be replaced by the stupid sitcom "The Naked Truth." Adjust viewing habits accordingly. -Tom Shales, The Washington Post

I made you, and I'm God. That's all you need to know. -Courtney Shane, Jawbreaker With the exception of Black which you can generally tell when it is black, Maroon is one of those colors that gets really devalued by the fact that a lot of us can't tell it's Maroon. If you go around wearing Violet and it looks good, everyone's going to tell you how your purple dress looks nice. Most of us had small boxes of crayons as kids, ya know? In a lot of ways it reminds me of the first grade where I couldn't find the Red in the BIG BOX of crayons, so I had to borrow red from someone else, except my red wasn't red, it was sugar red, so when I finished my coloring project I turned it into the teacher, and she asked me to show her the crayon, and she was very angry with me for using sugar red instead of red. I had to redo the entire thing during recess. I'm still bitter about it. Ms. Shipley, where ever you are, i'm going to find you and destroy you. -Shanoyu, Yohoho Puzzle Pirates forums The Internet isn't free. It just has an economy that makes no sense to capitalism. -Brad Shapcott Each teabag is enveloped in a package that reads "A year-round valentine for everyone who really loves lemon." Well, I happen to be an ardent enthusiast for that particular flavor, and I can assure you that this alleged tea tastes less like lemon than most electric home appliances. The only way this substance could be considered a "year-round valentine" is by taking the meaning of "valentine" as "a heart," which, if left out in the open for a year, would be encrusted with congealed blood and covered with small, creeping insects. This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the concept bland. It invokes in the drinker a level of excitement usually associated with shoelace collections or counting one's own armpit hairs. -Mike Shapiro One funny thing that happened: on my Q&A part, I was asked to recite as many of the Articles of Faith as I could. One of the ones I mentioned was, "Be discreet in killing." I got a very strange look and was told that that one wasn't used any more, and was replaced by "Always know the difference between good and evil." Same difference. -Mike Shapiro What sort of bald-faced nonsequitor is this? The only thing a cat and tea have in common is that one dislikes being immersed in the other. Clearly, your marketing skills are equivalent to your prowess at teamaking, which is probably on level with the cat's. -Mike Shapiro If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? -Shatter

A barbarian is one who thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature. -George Bernard Shaw A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -George Bernard Shaw Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. -George Bernard Shaw People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. -George Bernard Shaw She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. -George Bernard Shaw The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. -George Bernard Shaw The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -George Bernard Shaw There is no sincerer love than the love of food. -George Bernard Shaw You daren't handle high explosives; but you're all ready to handle honesty and truth and justice and the whole duty of man, and kill one another to prove it. What a world! -George Bernard Shaw It certainly comes up from time to time in the context of, you know, testimony and other things... We do -- the briefers -- also, from time to time, get those questions as well. As to -- you know, nothing has changed on that in terms of our position and, you know, I think it's -- you know, I can refer you to, you know, to probably to previous statements by officials on that. But I don't have anything -- you know, I mean, you know, our -- I think - I don't have -- you know, I -- we -- usually we try to have, you know, a little bit of something on that. I'm not sure that it's going to be, you know, specifically what you're

looking for. You know, generally speaking, our position that on settlements that it's the Palestinians and the Israelis have agreed that the final status negotiations will cover these issues and, you know, that's -- that's also our view. -State Department deputy press secretary Christine Shelly when asked if there has been a "clear statement of administration policy on settlements in the occupied territories." Hell is a city much like London--A populous and smoky city. -Percy Shelly I think our coffee machine is networked -- I keep seeing these dropped sugar packets all around it. -Tony Shepps Why are there no cheese-flavored drinks? -Ben Sherman Look, I don't know what this looks like to you - I've lost my ability to tell the difference between what's cute and what's idiotic... -Jay Sherman Well, I've created a new scale that shows which diseases I'd rather have than watch this movie. -Jay Sherman There comes a time when a man must face up to realities and confront them. Fortunately, this is not such a time. -Will Sherman As Josh pointed out, I neglected to mention the 7 inch penis extender. -Bruce Sherrod Being off the Internet is like being dead. -Bruce Sherrod Not Cool: Being dumped via email. -Bruce Sherrod Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. -Bruce Sherrod

Disclaimer: This holiday greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit. -Bruce Sherrod Do I detect the signs of an emotionally unstable female? -Bruce Sherrod Hey baby, what's your medical history? -Bruce Sherrod I can see how this would make it a lot harder to apply oneself to work, especially here where work is so pointlessly and excruciatingly odious. -Bruce Sherrod I didn't make the rules; I just ignore them. -Bruce Sherrod I have delusions of adequacy. -Bruce Sherrod I just sent a jpeg compressed image, in a unencoded, gzipped, tar file, as a MIME attachment. Is that cool, or stupid? -Bruce Sherrod I think someone installed HateDoubler onto my PC. -Bruce Sherrod Internet traffic has been increasing enormously, straining the infrastructure. Click here to download a 10.5MB Quicktime movie about it. -Bruce Sherrod Oh, and I've been on the net since '98. And I have a 13 inch penis. -Bruce Sherrod If I can't have quiet in here, I won't be interested in living. Are you interested in dying? Now, shut up; or I'll send you to a hell you're not familiar with. -Bruce Sherrod If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em.

-Bruce Sherrod If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with an imported, semiautomatic assault rifle? -Bruce Sherrod It all sucks. Hardware sucks. I hate people asking me about hardware. My advice always: don't buy anything. -Bruce Sherrod It's very important to spend lots of money on more computer hardware, just in case one of those creative bursts happens. You wouldn't want to be caught thinking, "I could have been the next Mozart if it wasn't for that lame sound card that I have." Come to think of it, I should go out and buy a Soundblaster X-Fi right now. -Bruce Sherrod Linux: Thousands of people from all over the world help you to shoot yourself in the foot, for free. -Bruce Sherrod Pass the cute chicks more or less all over to me, would you please? -Bruce Sherrod So many women, so little nerve. -Bruce Sherrod Style, style is important, since there's really no content. -Bruce Sherrod Thanks. Now I'm Master Bruce. All I need is a butler named Alfred. And Uma Thurman. -Bruce Sherrod That's not passion in my eyes. It's arson. -Bruce Sherrod The smile didn't do anything more than flay the skin off my body, sandblast every nerve and ligament, osterize a few major organs, and fry my eyeballs in their own grease; I made no visible sign that could possibly have been detected by anyone except the people present in the room. I think I'm finally over her completely. -Bruce Sherrod

There are two ways to tell a sexy male. The first is that he has a bad memory. I forget the second. -Bruce Sherrod Is this the stupidest penis contest yet? -Bruce Sherrod Well, it has Mosaic and Mac in the title. I think that means it sucks. -Bruce Sherrod It plays a gun-cocking sound. It's very satisfying; I'm all ready to shoot myself in the foot. -Bruce Sherrod women: can't live with 'em, can't get them to dress in skimpy leather Nazi outfits -Bruce Sherrod Yeah; after all, we all know that a man is just a walking life support system for a penis. Actually, that's not true. There's also money. -Bruce Sherrod Lap times give you an objective measure of how close you are to your car's ultimate capabilities. That is the meaning of "at speed"; it means that the complete system of car and driver are operating in harmony. It means that everything is being exercised to a significant fraction of its capabilities. Driving at 90 mph in a straight line is just wanking. Complaining that you were caught wanking is just whining. Shut up and learn to drive. -Mike Shields I have won and you have lost. The question is, why? -Shin I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'. -Carl Shipley Imagine a sector of the economy that moved a significant proportion of its compensation off the books in the form of options. If options had real value as you suggest, this would have the effect of artificially inflating earnings, which in turn would create a cumulatively false picture of positive growth, which would lead to a share bubble, where shares are overbid because they seem more valuable than they are, relative to those parts of the market that do not use options as a way of hiding costs. However, since we know the market always prices things correctly, we know that this cannot happen, therefore options must have zero real value til excercised. QED.

-Clay Shirky The thing I keep reminding myself is that people don't kill people, men kill people. -Clay Shirky Viral marketing is not going to save mediocre businesses from extinction. It is the scourge of the stupid and the slow, because it only rewards companies that offer great service and have the strength to allow and even encourage their customers to publicly pass judgment on that service every single day. -Clay Shirky Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to know about, but they just don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych department opens up on you with an Ingram set to full auto. -Olin Shivers Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds at this place? -Olin Shivers It was a beautiful, almost poetic way to cap what had been a textbook career of brilliant, original mathematical insights punctuated with outbursts of random, deeply unhinged violence. -Olin Shivers When I was 12, I found a box containing a bunch of old issues of Hustler in a lot behind the local 7-11. I began to feel sensations I'd never felt before. Being a scientifically minded young fellow, I immediately ran home and examined one of the low-angle money shots through my microscope. That's when I made the horifying discovery that women are composed of red, yellow and blue dots. I've been trying to live with the implications of that discovery for years now. -Shoeboy, Slashdot I'm not intending to imply insult or judgement here but I am curious to know in order to be able to respond to your posts in an appropiate manner, so please forgive what appears to be, but in fact is not intended as, an insulting question: Are you stupid? -Melinda Shore I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with keyboards. -Solomon Short

Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed? -Solomon Short We have a date with destiny, and it seems like she ordered the lobster. -The Shoveller, Mystery Men All in all, things were easier to fix when the people running the network were the ones with the nukes. -Tim Showalter Bashing him is like shooting fish in a barrel. Well, dead fish. With a shotgun. The barrel is laced with explosives. And you're in a harbor with a 20-inch battleship-mounted cannon, just in case. But if something should go wrong, there's a fish market so you've got some convenient, prepackaged dead fish just in case. -Tim Showalter The Internet Engineering Task Force has a reputation as a standards body, but it's really just a bunch of people pretending. It has no force behind it, no way of binding people, they don't sue or whine when someone violates a standard. If you're very lucky, someone will stand up and call someone else an asshole, then they all go to the bar. -Tim Showalter The Unicode Standard is a large, painful book, suitable for use as a blunt object, possibly as a seventh weapon in the game of Clue. It could play a telephone book in a movie if it were painted yellow and made more exciting. It could hold up a table if one leg were several inches short and in need of the sort of support that only a standard can provide. -Tim Showalter There is a beaker in the back of the fridge labeled "BIO-HAZARD" which I would appreciate your leaving alone. -Jon Shum Bill Gates says bandwidth should be free. We think software should be free. But it's not. -John Sidgemore, CEO, MCI Worldcom I could eat you. -Jon-Anne Siefert It's not okay to call unless you have a big web site you want designed, you want to sponsor one of my pages, or you want to introduce me to a big-breasted single woman.

-David Siegel This is truly a breakthrough in text-editing technology. People have said that text editors are boring, but thanks to the amazing speed offered by the TACK board, you'll have so much fun that you'll need to be sedated. -Rich Siegel, President and CEO, Bare Bones Software Not every woman brings you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you. -Silent Bob, Clerks ...and I am not going to do the proof because the proof for this is stupid. -Prof. Silhavy You know that thing under the sink that catches all the dreck and keeps it in one place? Now imagine it as an online service. -Roy Silvernail on Delphi I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it. -Jolyon Silversmith How many of these abstruse internecine struggles between evolutionists must we endure? Perhaps the consolation is that, whatever the outome of the debate between Wright and Gould, the rest of us really can't lose: if the evolutionists win the battle for the minds of young Kansans, then of course we all win; if the creationists come out on top, it proves that Gould is right and evolution can proceed backward as well as forward. -William Silvert Childbirth is _not_ a miracle. Life is _not_ sacred. When you have twenty thousand nomads huddled between two rivers in the Middle East and that's it for Homo sapiens, when one in five children is a live birth, one in ten living past the age of ten, then childbirth is a miracle and life is sacred. When the average age of a grandmother in Philadelphia's housing projects is twenty-five, to call childbirth a miracle is at least a tasteless joke and at worst a true obscenity. -Dave Sim Birthdays are good for you. Studies have shown that those who have the most birthdays live the longest. -Sean Simmons I don't need to see the rules - I can lose as I play. -Sean Simmons I feel so inspired... I feel like I could fly... I think I'll go jump off that building...

-Sean Simmons I'm not in marketing. I'm a peon engineer whose printer code doesn't work... -Sean Simmons I want to be a lifeguard for the gene pool. You! Out of the pool! -Sean Simmons It's over. You're done. You're finished. You can stick a fork in it. You're but a miserable bug, crushed on the windshield of Klackon imperialism. -Sean Simmons Look...! No weaseling content! That's so cool! -Sean Simmons People like that I generally have the urge to deal with by thrusting reality in their face as bluntly as possible, and then beating them about the head with it. -Sean Simmons Real men put quiche in their pipe and smoke it. -Sean Simmons Scotty, we need shields in the next three seconds, or we all die. -Sean Simmons We're the Beavis and Butthead of the STA coding world. "Hey Butthead, look at this class." "Uh, huh, huh-huh, uh, huh-huh, this sssucks. Let's change it." -Sean Simmons In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was added to it, there was trouble. For with it came syntax... -John Simon People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart. -Howard Simons, The Washington Post [Dean Martin] is an absolute, unqualified drunk. And if we ever develop an Olympic drinking team, he's gonna be the coach ... Dean Martin has been stoned more often than the United States embassies. -Frank Sinatra

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -Frank Sinatra The Marshall Plan .. the Truman Policy .. all pumped billions upon billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now, newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent war-mongering Americans. I'd like to see one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplanes. -Gordon Sinclair You know, I'm going to have a migraine tonight because I didn't beat you. -Lt. Sipowicz, NYPD Blue It might be scary if my life were to become a farce from which there were no escape, but not so scary as, say, a ten-foot spider with big googly eyes and fangs. -Steve Sisson [Jupiter's] satellites are invisible to the naked eye and therefore can have no influence on the Earth and therefore would be useless and therefore do not exist. -Francesco Sizi I speak spanish and french, enough to find a hotel room and someone to sleep with. Really. I used to speak both fairly well, but I'm out of practice. -Catherine Skidmore A power plant with a contract is really just a gigantic short position for natural gas. -Jeffrey Skilling, President & CEO, Enron Never underestimate the power of a fight between Jesus and Santa -Tim Skirvin Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions. -slashdot All software sucks. ALL software sucks. -Jon Slenk Forget ZEN, I need to get LAID! -Jon Slenk i used to look at people when i first met them and think, "i bet i won't like you." now, i look at them and think, "i bet i won't like your web page."

-Jon Slenk Just shut up and get on with the killing. -Jon Slenk man, trying to do code control with a mac is like killing yourself. oh, wait, killing yourself would be good. doing code control with a mac is bad. make that "like licking a cat's inner ear canal." -Jon Slenk sure, she's erudite, but what i really need to know is, IS SHE ANY FUN IN BED? -Jon Slenk user interfaces usually have one or more of the following properties: 1) they suck to use 2) they suck to use 3) they suck to use -Jon Slenk I... HATE this place... this... zoo, this prison, this... reality, whatever you want to call it. -Agent Smith, The Matrix I... hate... this internet, this world-wide-web, whatever you want to call it... It's the porn pop-ups! I feel... saturated by them. And every time I surf the web I fear that I have somehow become an S&M fanatic. -Agent Smith, cr0bar's The Matrix Well, well, Mister Anderson. We meet at last. You'll notice that I'm wearing my sunglasses indoors. In the normal world, this would make me look stupid. But because this is after all a sci-fi action thriller, they serve to make me appear menacing. -Agent Smith, cr0bar's The Matrix Sure, it trivializes human suffering and death... but other than that, what's you're point? -Geoff Smith C is like a huge V8 engine, attached directly to wheels with no gearing, no brake and must be steered by hand. Perl is a car with an autopilot designed by insane aliens. -Jeff Smith The best thing about information at your fingertips is that you can pick your nose with it. -Matt Smith, "Imminent Crash" "Beta" is well known to be a synonym for "my cat wrote the floppy disk driver" -Mike Smith

I've always planned to be a failure anyway, that's why I plan to marry an extremely wealthy woman. -Nick Smith, Metropolitan Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic. In short, highly attractive to women. -Nick Smith, Metropolitan There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. -Red Smith After all, we weren't saying these people were innocent, but we were saying you shouldn't sodomize them. -Stafford Smith, lawyer representing Camp X-Ray prisoners The last thing you want to do is spell an elder god's name out correctly. -Tom Smith, refusing to spell check Cthulhu Live long and multi-task. -Mike Smithwick I see your point. And raise you a line -Elliot Smorodinsky Right Wing Politicians, Right Wing Think Tanks, Right Wing Talk Show Hosts, Right Wing Talking Heads, the "Religious" Right and Right Wing Media all agree there is no "Vast Conservative Conspiracy" -The Smudge Report Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware of such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. -Rith Smythers, from Instructions And Advice For The Young Bride, 1894 Whether you're illustrating documentation for your corporate intranet, or leaking confidential pictures of developmental software to rumors sites on the web, Snapz Pro is the time-saver that all PowerUsers must have in their arsenal. -Snapz Pro press release

XML sounds scary. Stuff that begins with the letter X usually does -- there's a reason they didn't call it "The C Files." -Jason Snell Look, how about I kill you? -Eric Snider Should have talked to the babe you mentioned earlier. Heck what's the worst that would have happened? She would have killed you? Heh. That'd be lucky. -Eric Snider Yoda spoke to Keith in a dream one day. He said, "Follow you must dream you have. Good is snoot for to be others view." Keith didn't understand much of this but he knew that Yoda was probably just a puppet with someone's hand up his ass. He then wondered what sort of person would shove a hand up Yoda's ass. -Snoot Relationships based on boredom. Hmmm. That's a step up from relationships based on insanity... -Don Snow Actresses in porn - unlike in Hollywood - far outearn the actors, choose their co-stars, and decide what they will do on-screen. (People in the industry like to interpret this as having power, but it's the power to choose whom you'll have anal sex with, a perk all of us can presumably take for granted.) -Lynn Snowden, Deep Inside the Valley of Sin

...there remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation, and destroy the male sex. -Valerie Solanis Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side. -Han Solo, "Star Wars" As long as America's educational system remains woefully inadequate, I rule! -Professor Dick Solomon, Third Rock from the Sun

And finally, there was the English degree. They probably had more than a few concerns about the employment prospects of someone who'd spent the last four years writing essays on "Paradise Lost" and "Paradise Regained." -Susan Solomon Free Clue for the Clueless: Usenet is not the real world. -Andrew Solovay And a worthy bunch of candidates they are! And what a tough decision this will be! And what a string of uncalled-for exclamation points this is! -Paul Somerville I'm not sure about this, but I think if Saint Francis ever met Fred Phelps, the gentle spirit from Assisi would make an exception and beat him up. -Paul Somerville 10:30 is a popular time for class, so we can't get another room to take our tests in. That means we all have to be in here, so it will be very crowded, but if I catch any of you cheating I'll personally break your kneecaps. -Dr. Mete Soner People fear to offend or hurt others, not because they are kind but because they do not care for the truth. -Susan Sontag 'Personality' is simply the result of being off balance. We have 'characters' because we have not found our center of gravity. We do not accept ourselves for what we are, we retreat from our real selves, and then we erect a personality to bridge the gap. -Susan Sontag The appetite for thinking must be regulated, as all sensible people know, for it may stifle one's life. -Susan Sontag The only interesting answers are those which destroy the question. -Susan Sontag If you're viewing this page then you're already a winner! ... *The tern "winner" means many things to many people and we use it in the most tenuous way possible. -www.sony.com

This server has encountered an internal error which prevents it from fulfilling your request and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. The most likely cause is a misconfiguration, or the fact that this is all a plot by the government to drive you insane. Please ask the administrator to look for messages in the server's error log. His name is Mel. You can find his home phone number listed in the code for this page. If a woman named Mabel answers for the love of God hang up! -www.sony.com Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. -Sim York Soo The difference between a man and a child is the price of their toys. -Sim York Soo There's never money to do things right, but there's always money to do things twice. -Michael Sorantino USENET: Post to exotic, distant machines. Meet exciting, unusual people. And flame them. -Dan Sorenson all these post-punk kids with their pale white skin and their black clothing... and their friggin' moist music... -Space Ghost Win? No, but if we think fast, we might live long enough to lie about it. -from Spaced Invaders

Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons! -from Spaced Invaders The only truly secure system is one that is powered off, cast in a block of concrete and sealed in a lead-lined room with armed guards -- and even then I have my doubts. -Gene Spafford Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. -Gene Spafford

The ideal technical writer realizes that tech pubs will always be a service organization with relatively low status in the corporation. -Steve Spanier, Director of Knowledge Products, Cisco A man who is willing to commit suicide has the initiative. -Boris Spassky although many people do enjoy going to White Castle before, after, and i daresay during sex, it is possible to enjoy White Castle even when no sex is involved. -Geoff Spear anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn't had enough gratuitous sex -Geoff Spear been there, done that, got the death threats -Geoff Spear i can still have a geoff complex. it's like a god complex but only cuter and better in bed. -Geoff Spear I don't care enough about my purity score to have sex with a dead animal in a groundbased vehicle weighing more than 5,000 pounds while i'm driving. -Geoff Spear I have Slack. I had a 0 GPA at midsemester in the spring, and Laughed at it. -Geoff Spear

I have Slack. The cars can't hit me. Or kill me. -Geoff Spear i haven't slept since the 1st test. i should stay awake and take the 3rd tonight, proving you can condense a semester into 3 days with no sleep. on second thought, i have nothing to prove, and there's a bottle of tequila and a futon with my name on 'em -Geoff Spear I think any penalty except oral sex is worse than losing. -Geoff Spear

i think monogamy is an evil concept dreamed up by perverted western religious leaders. also, you're a wuss. -Geoff Spear i'd feel sorry for you if you weren't grossly overpaid. -Geoff Spear i'm having FUN! well, in a random disgusting kinda way, but all good fun is disgusting. -Geoff Spear I've gotten things more evil than you free at participating mcdonalds. -Geoff Spear it's against my religion to drink to escape problems. i can only drink to cause problems. -Geoff Spear it's irrelevant, because women exist only to make my life hell, preferably after lots of sex. -Geoff Spear of course i don't think you're stupid, dear. well, except in dating that wuss when you could have someone totally perfect like me. -Geoff Spear Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? -Geoff Spear You shouldn't take everything you read on the net seriously... People like me post on the net just for shits and giggles. -Geoff Spear Two's company, three's crossfire. -Emma Speares Those who do not understand UNIX are condemned to reinvent it -- badly. -Henry Spencer ...those who have never entered upon scientific pursuits know not a tithe of the poetry by which they are surrounded ...Sad, indeed, is it to see how men occupy themselves with trivialities, and are indifferent to the grandest phenomena-- care not to understand the architecture of the heavens, but are deeply interested in some contemptible controversy about the intrigues of Mary Queen of Scots!

-Herbert Spencer Warning: contains explicit language, violence, and 53M of data. -Spirit of Christmas: Official Distribution Site Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man. And nothing can replace it or him. -Spock, "Star Trek" if you refuse to do it on some general religious principle that Bill Gates is the evil Smurf Gargamel, then you are just gratuitously ruining your program so that you can feel smug and self-satisfied, and your users will not thank you for it. -Joel Spolsky In 1960, almost 40 years before the Internet came along, Barbra Streisand drops the "a" from her first name. Of course, with the unusual spelling, it's much easier to find her in search engines, on Amazon, etc. That woman has incredible foresight. -Joel Spolsky If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people; if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you. -"Sports Night" The dead horse was going to move. I swear! -Andrew Sproule The opinions expressed in this letter do, in fact, represent the opinions of UCSD, its employees, faculty, and students, as well as the entire University of California system and its precious Regents, because, let's face it, I have that kind of power at my disposal. -Spyder God Science cannot stop while ethics catches up -- and nobody should expect scientists to do all the thinking for the country. -Elvin Stackman Publishers often refer to prohibited copying as "piracy." In this way, they imply that illegal copying is ethically equivalent to attacking ships on the high seas, kidnaping and murdering the people on them. -Richard Stallman I BREAK HABITS WHILE THE NUNS ARE STILL IN THEM. -Rev. Ivan Stang

Too bad men aren't like computers. Predictable, compliant, full of answers but no questions...yet able to deliver an occasional delightful surprise. -Brenda Starr This is an Uzi. This is an Uzi on full auto. Any questions? -William Starr An efficient organization is one in which the accounting department knows the exact cost of every useless administrative procedure which they themselves have initiated. -E.W.R. Steacie I'm the BIRTHDAY GIRL! I want the BIG GUN! -Jennifer Steele Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. -Tim Steeves Simplicity, of all things, is the hardest to be copied. -Sir Richard Steele The people who get things done get more things to do. -Mark Stehlik It was not a fine river at all, but it was the only one we had and so we boasted about it--how dangerous it was in a wet winter and how dry in a dry summer. You can boast about anything if it's all you have. Maybe the less you have, the more you are required to boast. -John Steinbeck, East of Eden In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? -stef@apple.com Marriage is one thing, but when you mix your Lego collections together, that's going way beyond intimacy into a whole 'nother realm. -stefang@isy.liu.se A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. -Gloria Steinem actually, this is Freebasin' Freddie's diet plan, too. coke for breakfast, coke for lunch, sensible dinner. it really works!

-Andrew Stellman Apparently, the Guardian felt that my "conspiracy theory" had some merit, because they ran an article verifying it. ... The source was the same foreign Pakistani foreign minister. Apparently the Pakistani government turned that information over to the Taliban, who had bin Laden's people launch a preemptive strike against my office in retaliation. Presumably, the strategic loss of my lava lamp has dealt a crushing blow to the U.S. -Andrew Stellman Being soft-spoken is a much more attractive quality for a geek... A soft-spoken geek is endearing, an underdog. A loud, obnoxious geek is just grating. Look at Vince DelVecchio -- he's soft-spoken, yet geekly. He gets laid. -Andrew Stellman Can we assume that person is a complete idiot, or just a partial idiot. -Andrew Stellman dan doesn't need to be a girl, all he needs to do is find a dress that fits and accessorize to his heart's content. -Andrew Stellman does cindy crawford come out of a bathroom holding a copy of the camel book in one hand and a large sausage in the other? yeah, i have that dream too. -Andrew Stellman drugs. crack. a jedi knight wants not these things. but get some where can i? -Andrew Stellman Everyone and his bisexual brother writes erotica. -Andrew Stellman Finally! Woo-hoo! Yay for progress! -Andrew Stellman for instance, i was born and raised in the U.S.A., but i was raised by feral wolves, and i didn't learn to speak english until i was captured by behavioral scientists when i was twelve. the electroshock therapy is among my fondest childhood memories. -Andrew Stellman i tried it on my cat. it doesn't work nearly as well, and makes the cat very grumpy. -Andrew Stellman, microwave chef

i don't think i can do the other stuff you wanted, but what i can do is obtain a false passport and travel to equador where i will live for six months under the pseudoname Julio Garcia, at which point i'll infiltrate the Garzone family that controls the local government and RISE UP AND GUN DOWN THE CAPITALIST DOGS LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!!! i also make a good cup of earl grey. -Andrew Stellman I had to use FORTRAN on many occasions to help my parents out. Most courts would consider that child abuse. -Andrew Stellman I hope I'll be able to adapt back to a regular social structure after four/five years of grad school. -Andrew Stellman I really wish the people who are in charge of the jewish conspiracy to control the world would let me in on it. -Andrew Stellman i take refuge in the fact that what i lack in perversity i make up for in obscurity. -Andrew Stellman "i'm not racist because all the reasons i have for hating all the niggers and spics are absolutely true. repeal welfare and affirmative action now!" -Andrew Stellman "i've seen much weirder in new york" is a good generalization, true in practically all cases. -Andrew Stellman in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is not allowed to be the banker in Monopoly. -Andrew Stellman I wish I had a dollar for every person who pointed that out to me, thinking they just blew a huge hole in my entire belief system that would send me into a downward spiral of inner turmoil. Man, I'd have, like, twelve dollars. -Andrew Stellman It took a little research, but it seems that for once I'm not talking out of my ass. -Andrew Stellman

It's just weird, I never thought I'd ever be carnally connected with a majority of KGB. -Andrew Stellman on the Web of Shame it's more than that -- it's the James Dean factor. the bottom line is that, if smoked correctly, a cigarette really, truly does make you look cooler. it gives you emphysema, but you look cool. -Andrew Stellman It's New-and-Improved York, with the optional Guiliani(tm) brand Quality-Of-Life-omatic lifestyle sanitizer. Now with fewer Latinos! -Andrew Stellman like diapers, politicians should be changed regularly. for the same reasons. -Andrew Stellman no, it's true. that's why they named it after an Egyptian city. if you delete your files, the hand of god comes down and touches it and it goes to hell. if you call up Microsoft to complain, they send locusts, boils and frogs, hire some guy to kill your the main sparcstation in your office (i.e. killing your first-born Sun), and eventually the red sea parts to let Bill Gates come to your city's Egyptian embassy and start kicking butt left and right, muttering something about some pharoah or other. -Andrew Stellman

not me. i like the "hand of god" approach, where a file that is deleted is immediately obliterated as an act of divine retribution, and if you have the wherewithal to question god's destructive power (i.e. you want your file undeleted), god smites you and you go straight to hell. i believe this is an option in the latest Windows 7 beta. -Andrew Stellman Oh well, it's nothing that a few thousand dollars worth of therapy can't fix. -Andrew Stellman Personally, I think BASIC is superior because it has a longer name than C or LISP, Pascal and Scheme have lower-case letters, and FORTRAN just basically sucks. -Andrew Stellman She might not be sixteen. She might be fifteen. Only one way to find out... Sleep with her, then check in a few days to see if you've contracted a lawsuit. -Andrew Stellman

he's perfect the way he is, provided he starts wearing flowered sundresses. -Andrew Stellman someone just taught him how to jerk off. "i can't believe it's been there all this time and nobody ever said anything about it!!!!" rob was quoted as saying. "now i'll NEVER leave the house." -Andrew Stellman sometimes i think that if john lennon hadn't been shot already, i'd do it myself. -Andrew Stellman stupid yuppies and computer nerds who make too much money are willing to pay a lot of money to live someplace where the espresso bars outnumber the poor people. -Andrew Stellman Technically, Ozzy is the guy your parents' parents warned them about. -Andrew Stellman that's right, contestant number one. you're walking away with the washer-dryer set,a case of Turtle Wax, and an authentic ancient Roman cross to crucify your loved ones. and we'll see our returning champion next week, when we look at Bram, Pierce and Maya. thanks for playing "Geek / Not a Geek!!!" some members of our studio audience received copies of Propaganda, the magazine that features young boys without their shirts; the Ian Curtis "Oh-So-Depressed" home suicide kit; and Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat. -Andrew Stellman the only problem with kittens is that eventually they get cooped up in little boxes with unstable particles -Andrew Stellman the two best tools for writing code are competent subordinates and a cattle prod. -Andrew Stellman this looks like a wonderful account of mismanagement and incompetence on every level. on the other hand, it's netscape, so we already knew that. -Andrew Stellman well, it's probably my shining personality, combined with my pleasant breath and body odor. -Andrew Stellman

When colleen said, "what the hell have you done to your face?" and pointed out the fine points of subtlety, i realized that subtlety is just not a part of my personality. -Andrew Stellman you know, you're not the first person to ask me about my world domination plans, and to be perfectly honest, i don't have any. i mean, it's hard enough for me to manage my own projects, much less the world. really, just try to imagine the amount of paperwork involved in running the world. i'm happy enough to leave that to the lawyers and the accountants, thank you very much. -Andrew Stellman Computers this powerful are supposed to shut themselves down, after you've asked them to. Turning one off with the hard switch is like lulling someone to sleep by severing their spinal column. -Neal Stephenson. During this century, intellectualism failed, and everyone knows it. In places like Russia and Germany, the common people agreed to loosen their grip on traditional folkways, mores, and religion, and let the intellectuals run with the ball, and they screwed everything up and turned the century into a shithole. Those wordy intellectuals used to be merely tedious; now they seem kind of dangerous as well. -Neal Stephenson Technology makes it possible to have our appendices out when they get infected, so that we are able to live long enough to get our heads out of our asses and learn about the world. -Neal Stephenson To create an entirely new OS from scratch, just because none of the existing ones was exactly right, struck me as an act of such colossal nerve that I felt compelled to support it. -Neal Stephenson I hope I'm not being all depressing, but that is kind of my point here. -Bruce Sterling In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late. -Bruce Sterling In 1914, the lamps went out all over Europe. Life during the rest of the twentieth century was like crouching under a rock. -Bruce Sterling

It isn't written on tablets of gold that we pampered Yankee mall rats are destined to rule the universe. There are times in life when people are required to measure up and show some mettle. It's alarming when our Congress does dumb things and our institutions look like they're caught all flat-footed, but you know, we don't have some extra, better Congress stashed away in an attic; this is Washington, and this is it. We don't have an extra American population, either; dumb, pampered, red-white-and-blue, whatever, we are them. Adversity has its uses. We're learning a lot about ourselves by going through this. If we can just manage to make some fresh mistakes, we may end up in some place really interesting, better than we had, not all damp, crooked, and muddled, but clearer and more sensible. We should hope for that, and work for that. -Bruce Sterling The twentieth century featured any number of -isms. They were fatally based on the delusion that philosophy trumps engineering. It doesn't. In a world fully competent to command its material basis, ideology is inherently flimsy. "Technology" in its broad sense: the ability to transform resources, the speed at which new possibilities can be opened and exploited, the multiple and various forms of command-and-control -technology, not ideology, is the twentieth century's lasting legacy. Technology broke the gridlock of the five-decade Cold War. It made a new era thinkable. And, finally, technology made a new era obvious. -Bruce Sterling These law-abiding hackers have the power, ability, and willingness to influence other people's lives quite unpredictably. They have means, motive, and opportunity to meddle drastically with the American social order. -Bruce Sterling I would not cross the road to piss on him if he was on fire. -Nici Sterling Contrary to the beliefs of some, I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking solution. -Sarah Sterling You know you need sleep when you get into an elevator going down and it feels like you're going up. -Sarah Sterling If you can't explain it, you damn well shouldn't have written the code. -Zalman Stern The problem with the cutting edge is that someone has to bleed.

-Zalman Stern The world is full of bozos. Some of them have Phd's in Computer Science. -Zalman Stern While today's digital hardware is extremely impressive, it is clear that the human retina's real time performance goes unchallenged. Actually to simulate 10 milliseconds of the complete processing of even a single nerve cell from the retina would require the solution of about 500 simultaneous nonlinear differential equations 100 times and would take at least several minutes of time on a Cray supercomputer. Keeping in mind that there are 10 million or more such cells interacting with each other in complex ways, it would take a minimum of 100 years of Cray time to simulate what takes place in your eye many times each second. -John K. Stevens, "Reverse Engineering the Brain", Byte Man cannot live by words alone, though he is sometimes forced to eat them. -Adlai E. Stevenson My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular. -Adlai E. Stevenson Public confidence in the integrity of the Government is indispensable to faith in democracy; and when we lose faith in the system, we have lost faith in everything we fight and spend for. -Adlai E. Stevenson If you're watching this and you're still in the closet, you're lucky -- because I don't understand how you can get cable in there. -Patrick Stewart The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him. -Henry Stimson You have some intriguing ideas. Have you considered naming yourself after a radioactive element? -Lewis Stiller BUY RAM NOW! Its like candy! You can do ram for less money then you can do CRACK! You'll be telling people, "You're on RAM!" -Brian Stillman I love this job. Nothing like paranoia and neurosis. Who needs a Coke habit? I've got journalism!!

-Brian Stillman You're stapling wings to a pig and hoping it will fly. It's hard to see how you get from there to an F-18. -Art Stine If builders built buildings the way that programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. -Reede Stockton I have been listening to this for a decade--about this phenomenal revolution that is going to influence my life so deeply and change everything. Well, my life has not been deeply influenced by it. If you want to know what's revolutionized my life, it's the birth of my two children. -Clifford Stoll on "the Internet revolution" Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months. -Clifford Stoll If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. -Tom Stoppard Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins. -Tom Stoppard We're more of the love, blood and rhetoric school... We can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive, but I can't give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. -Tom Stoppard We presume the Apple legal staff is all primed and ready to descend in wrath upon the honeymoon cottage immediately if the happy groom even attempts to 'look and feel'. -Lon Stowell on Bill Gates's engagement Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that! -Mike Stratford, "Doctor, Doctor" No matter what their cultural underpinnings, though, most simulation games have one thing in common: they're dull as all heck. Whether you're methodically building a fortress

to keep barbarians from pillaging your delicate sprout of a city, or a white picket fence to keep your livestock from wandering to a neighboring farm (another tip from Nintendo: "You need to buy only one chicken to start building your poultry empire"), disemboweling a Shaolin boss is a lot more fun, not to mention less time consuming. And, especially here in New York, it's just as valid a survival skill as growing vegetables. -Bob Strauss Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their harps and ten percent playing out of tune -Igor Stravinsky I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time -- but lately several days have attacked me at once. -Guy Streeter Damn, it hurts. It's a good pain. But it's painful. -Jason Streitfield I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -August Strindberg Rewrite and revise. Do not be afraid to seize what you have and cut it to ribbons ... Good writing means good revising. -Strunk and White, Elements of Style The survival value of human intelligence has yet to be satisfactorily demonstrated. -Jeremy Stone, "The Andromeda Strain" Of course moving sucks. Last time I moved (about 3 years ago) it took me 3 days just to move down 2 flights of stairs. It should have only taken about a day and a half, but my parents helped. -Tom Strong C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -Bjarne Stroustrup I am no longer living in my prime. I won't be again until I'm 107. -Dirk Struick on his 104th birthday

Just because they built a spaceship, it doesn't mean they know about technology. It might have been blind luck. -Gerard Stubbs I need to exercise. I'm not like you with your slim, lean alcohol and nicotine soaked organs. -Ray Stumbaugh If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. -Ray Stumbaugh I like using the phrase "transitive closure" because it makes me feel that computer science graduate school really was the best 10 years of my life. -Pete Su Beware of geeks bearing gift economies. -Suck If an expert marketing staff was all that was necessary to successfully bring a product to market, we'd all be eating McRibs, watching Chevy Chase, dressing Hasidic chic, and listening to Hootie and the Blowfish. -Suck If you had any doubts about what the fate of over five years of largely worthless Director content would be, make no mistake: it's coming to the Web in its full Grandma Bear On Quaaludes, Around-the-World in 80 Miserable Minutes, Mix-Your-Own Paris Hilton Digizine glory. -Suck "Most men experience impotence at some time in their lives as a result of stress, fatigue, or excessive alcohol consumption." Um, good thing no one here is getting any (sex, that is). But if we were and tended to fall short of the task at hand, we'd look to the On-Line Guide to Impotence for help. We might probe into the FAQ section for more answers: "I've read that impotence is often 'just in a man's head.' Is that true?" Yes - thanks to the miracle of modern science, importance AND impotence have been traced directly to a man's "head." But how does the impotent man rise to the challenge? You guessed it - the key is a patented potion brought to you by those philanthropists at Upjohn. Caverject: It's name alone will turn you on. "Clinical studies prove that when used correctly, it causes an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse in approximately 80% of men, regardless of cause." But not firm enough to, say, prop open a door or smack a kid in the head with. Regardless of cause. Seriously, though - we are grappling with a real pickle, and the upshot is: "[I]f the situation persists or interferes with normal sexual activity, consult a

physician." And if you're impotent and claim that it doesn't interfere with normal sexual activity, then run, don't walk, to the nearest, uh, shrink. -Suck Pity the poor slob who just wants to get something done. Set adrift in a sea of functionality he can neither comprehend nor control -- buried in toolbars, insulted by assistants -- he can only look at the state of the average application's user interface and think that things can't possibly get any worse. Inevitably, he's wrong. -Suck "Skins" are a recent product of the hyper-democratization of code. The computer equivalent of back-ally chin tucks, skins allow a growing number of applications to change their looks in a growing number of ways, almost all of them bad. -Suck "The only guide to stylish post-feminist modem grrrl culture." If the word "stylish" doesn't make you shudder, that clever ploy of tacking on a "post-" to one-up an entire ideology should whisper "bull caca" in your ear. -Suck Unfortunately, most bitter people don't have an editor. -Suck Weaned on nighttime soaps and The Bonfire of the Vanities, it makes sense that new media youngsters would try to squeeze a novel or a book out of what they do for a living. But any book that relies solely on an employment milieu for mass appeal had better be set in a brothel, because despite all our talk of reach-arounds and prostituting ourselves, there is nothing inherently sexy about going to work. -Suck Well, the sun is out and the power is on today, that's the best we can hope for here in California -Sun Microsystems rep during an analyst conference call ...rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable. -Sun Tzu, The Art of War you don't like techno!... you don't listen to techno (sequenced music made with computers and electronic instrumentation)... its bad for you...it all sounds exactly the same... and scary people you don't like listen to it... they all dress the same and listen to

the same music...and for god's sake they're happy!... don't forget you're a "rivethead" you're INDUSTRIAL! you're better than them, you go to INDUSTRIAL clubs and listen to INDUSTRIAL music (sequenced music made with computers and electronic instrumentation)... you're an individual... you're angry... you take yourself way to seriously for that silly fluffy stuff! Right!?! -Simon Sutherland If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait! He does! -Greg Sutter Afterwards, we go over the dos and don'ts of campus life. You know: smoke your pot over by the lake, keep your vomit from binge drinking off the floor, and never, ever share files over the Internet. -Aaron Swartz I suppose the point is that if you want the real story, you don't go through the official channels. You talk to the mate who has a mate who works in Cupertino. And that's actually the way the "fact" side of the game is played (as Joe, I assume, knows from experience), as opposed to the "hack" side, which is conducted through "the official channels", and through junkets and launches and lunches, and pretty PR girls with degrees from Wellesley. -Nick Sweeney He may be a god to you, but to us, he's another chubby engineer who needs to practice his plasma gun skills. -Nick Sweeney Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded more than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character. -Jonathan Swift I'd like to find whoever said suffering was good for the soul and nail his eyes to a board. -David Swim I'm just like Hamlet! Except, well, i'm not a prince. And my uncle didn't kill my father and marry my mother. Oh, and my girlfriend didn't drown herself in a river because I pretended like I never loved her. And I haven't died of poison. well at least, not yet. But the moody depression thing, I got that down COLD, jack. -David Swim leave me alone or i'll be fabulous at you

-David Swim The problem with being in the top 10 percent of the human population is the other 90 percent. -David Swim You lead the most annoyingly pedestrian existance. Shouldn't you be watching Friends or something? -David Swim There is no such thing at this date of the world's history in America as an independent press. You know it, and I know it. There is not one of you who dares to write his honest opinion, and if you did, you know beforehand it would never appear in print. I am paid weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the paper. Others of you are paid similar salaries for similar things. and any of you who would be so foolish as to write honest opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job. If I allow my honest opinions to appear in one issue of my paper, before 24 hours, my occupation would be gone. The business of the journalist is to destroy the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to vilify, to fawn at the feet of Mammon and to sell his country and his race for his daily bread. You know it, and I know it, and what folly is this toasting an independent press? We are the tools and the vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are the jumping jacks. They pull the strings, and we dance. We are intellectual prostitutes. -John Swinden, 1953, then head of the New York Times, when asked to toast an independent press in a gathering at the National Press Club Those who have never tried electronic communication may not be aware of what a "social skill" really is. One social skill that must be learned, is that other people have points of view that are not only different, but threatening, to your own. In turn, your opinions may be threatening to others. There is nothing wrong with this. Your beliefs need not be hidden behind a facade, as happens with face-to-face conversation. Not everybody in the world is a bosom buddy, but you can still have a meaningful conversation with them. The person who cannot do this lacks in social skills. -Nick Szabo Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought. -Albert Szent-Gyorgi The brain is not an organ of thinking but an organ of survival, like claws and fangs. It is made in such a way as to make us accept as truth that which is only advantage. It is an exceptional, almost pathological constitution one has, if one follows thoughts logically through, regardless of consequences. Such people make martyrs, apostles, or scientists, and mostly end on the stake, or in a chair, electric or academic. -Albert Szent-Gyorgi

quotes: t
But in some ways, a general ignorance of Unix seems to help drive a certain romantic ideal -- an ideal that keeps the word "Unix" in very active circulation even outside of geek circles. To the typical Mac end-user, Unix is mysterious, and ancient, and strong. It's made of cast iron and the bones of heroic programmers of old. Unix is like a brawny Soviet on a Constructivist poster, swinging his hammer for his comrades. We don't know why it's good, but damn if our hearts aren't stirred by the weighty, solidly angular goodness of it all. -Table and Chair, Slashdot Haven't you heard our motto - 'United we sort of come apart at the seams, but Welded we stick together pretty well' ? -tabron@brandeis.bitnet Read. Learn. Evolve. -talk.bizarre credo

To really understand programmers you must understand artists. Artists are almost always "whack jobs" (or at least, that's how the outside world perceives them). After all, what kind of whacko spends a week carrying an 80-pound bag of camera gear through the high Sierra? Ansel Adams. -The Talking Moose I admire your courage to bring us this news.... But as with all bearers of such news... such blasphemy to the existence of the Jihad of DOOM, we will have to cause you severe pain and dump multiple cores into your site through electronic mail.... Such is our anger.... Hard drives in your campus will spin faster than their allowable rate, burning out gigabytes of your precious memory, plastic will burn, metal shall melt.... Such is our woe..... The equipment in your very lab shall be disassmebled, as will all those who are in the lab. No one shall escape the wrath of the humble followers of Doom..... Such is to come..... -Kane Tan The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from. Furthermore, if you do not like any of them, you can just wait for next year's model. -Tanenbaum, "Computer Networks"

Pop quiz, hot shot: You're going to award ceremonies all year long, you keep losing to Forrest Gump; it's really annoying the hell out of you. What do you do? You go to the MTV awards! -Quentin Tarantino No no no. It's only THE road trip vehicle if I'm in it. That's not just me being conceited. I improve gas milage and trip time. -Tom Tarka To some degree all movies are pretentious; the very idea that the events in our lives have pronounced trajectories is pivotal to the story-telling process while having very little to do with reality. It's also no leap to suggest that the impetus for creating art is ego-based. Things have definitely gotten out of hand, though, when characters start pointlessly gasping out loud at the writer/director's enormous willie. -Paul Tatara An interface is not a rave. -taylor@wired.com How long have you been wanting me to talk like a bot? -taylor@wired.com

Ninety percent of good programming is resisting the temptation to be a dumb-ass. -taylor@wired.com The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -Elizabeth Taylor The rest of the world views the USA the way Silicon Valley views Microsoft. Except with tanks. -Brad Templeton I also find that a well-timed, properly expressed and inflected simple taunt like, oh, "Canadian" covers a lot of ground and saves valuable time one could better spend surfing the Net. -Michele Tepper I have noticed that cats are little impressed by religion. -Sherri Tepper In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nasty forms of trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him. -Martin Terman The world is full of buttheads, you learn to live with them, except in California where they tend to shoot each other on the highways... -tfields@cnsvax.uwec.edu Thaumaturgix was founded in New York City in 1994 by Peter Dolch, Moses Merchant, and Yogen Sanghani; seasoned technology consultants all, with a broad range of talents and skills. It was the first technology consulting to bring the U.S. stock exhange onto the World Wide Web. The partners' first dictum, "don't pour coffee into the computer," still echoes in our offices today. -Thaumaturgix history I never thought of sushi as a layer 2 option. Is that as opposed to "IP over carrier pigeon" or "IP over barbed wire" or "IP over debt" (only offered by Exodus)? -Rodney Thayer Death is harsh and cruel... not some cute chick. -The Maxx

I can't eat the baby, Larry, my helmet is on. -Aaron Thies There is nothing at all wrong with the English language, so far as I can see, but that may only be because I cannot see ahead. -Lewis Thomas, Late Night Thoughts on Listening to Mahler's Ninth Symphony As your attourney I strongly advise you to tell me where you put the goddamn mescaline. -Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas I always drive properly. A bit fast, perhaps, but always with consummate skill and a natural feel for the road that even cops recognize. No cop was ever born who isn't a sucker for a finely-executed hi-speed Controlled Drift all the way around one of those cloverleaf freeway interchanges. -Hunter S. Thompson I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -Hunter S. Thompson The TV business is uglier than most things. It is normally perceived as some kind of cruel and shallow money trench through the heart of journalism, a long puke-stained hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs for no good reason. -Hunter S. Thompson We are, after all, professionals. -Hunter S. Thompson I know nothing. -Ken Thompson If you have been to Moscow during Soviet times, you will probably remember paying almost nothing to be ignored by a waiter in a restaurant. Now you pay a fortune to be ignored by ten waiters. -Ken Thompson Just think -- IBM and DEC in the same room -- and we did it. Makes you feel warm inside. -Ken Thompson Maybe I should have screwed up.

-Ken Thompson When in doubt, use brute force -Ken Thompson Be true to your work, your word, and your friend. -Henry David Thoreau Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something. -Henry David Thoreau Now. Or never. -Henry David Thoreau

Such accidents are very common in our family. -Prince Thrakhath, Wing Commander II There is no such thing as a functional illiterate. -Kelvin Throop The strong do what they will and the weak do what they must. -Thucydides "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves." "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why you human beings don't." -James Thurber I loathe the expression 'What makes him tick.' It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm. -James Thurber BOZO + PhD = GOD -Chris Thyberg Sorry for the disaster. And thanks for your patience! -Chris Thyberg

Must...defy...laws...of...physics... -The Tick You wanna live? Get in the car. You wanna die? Get in the car. -Freddy Tiffany, Double Take A bazooka is the skeleton key of the impatient. -Will Timmins The opposite of love is indifference. The opposite of sour taste is blandness. There is no opposite of spam and I think I'm glad. -Frank Tinsman What could be better than caffeine and sugar combined in a hot liquid package? A package of caffeine, sugar, salt and grease that's what. But until I can find a chocolatebacon-burger mocha, I'll just have to get my salt and grease elsewhere. -Greg Titus, Omni Development Arisitotle claimed that beyond the society of Man exists only Beasts and Gods. Which do you choose to be? -tjl93003@uconnvm.uconn.edu They're my friends, my toys, and they have OFF switches. All these things are good. -tkil@scrye.com An old expression suggests that when you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Excel, of course, is not a hammer. It is a Swiss Army knife. Unfortunately, all the blades except one are broken. -Bruce Tognazini I must first reveal my personal bias in this discussion, since I worship at the First Church of PDF Really Sucks. -Bruce Tognazzini Regardless of the source of the problem, you can detect its presence by the two great engineering lies: 1. Your design cannot be implemented using the current technology. 2. Your design can be implemented, and it will be in the very next release. (The third great engineering lie is, of course, I promise to debug the code before I check it in.) Engineers lead dull lives. -Bruce Tognazini

You do not understand, Grasshopper. The purpose of the icons, the purpose of the entire OS X look and feel, is to keep the customer happy during that critical period between the time of sale and the time the check clears. -Bruce Tognazini It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations if you live near him. -J.R.R. Tolkien Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. -Leo Tolstoy

I know that most men, including those at ease with problems of the greatest complexity, can seldom accept even the simplest and most obvious truth if it be such as would oblige them to admit the falsity of conclusions which they have delighted in explaining to colleagues, which they have proudly taught to others, and which they have woven, thread by thread, into the fabric of their lives. -Leo Tolstoy The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat. -Lily Tomlin Standin' on the corner, in a white godfather hat. He drives a long, black, gangster Cadillac. He can steal a broad's mind, man, in three or four minutes. It's not how long you talk, brother, it's what you put in it. -Too Short, "Shorty the Pimp" I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. -Frank Topar I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. -Frank Topar

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." -Frank Topar

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. -Frank Topar If Bush wins, we will have a Commander-in-Thief. -Denise Topaz I am Pentium of Borg. Arithmetic is irrelevant. Prepare to be approximated. -Andrew Toppan All the technology that people were so hot on started in basements and garages. There still will be crazy people in their basements trying to change the world, and some of them will even do it. -Linus Torvalds Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow -Linus Torvalds I think my "plan" says something like "World domination. Fast." But we'll see. -Linus Torvalds If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places, just write a Unix operating system. -Linus Torvalds

Technical people are better off not looking at patents. If you don't know what they cover and where they are, you won't be knowingly infringing on them. If somebody sues you, you change the algorithm or you just hire a hit-man to whack the stupid git. -Linus Torvalds The more I see of it, the more I get the feeling that I'd have multiple ulcers within minutes of getting involved in the business side. It's kind of like watching giraffes making love on the Discovery Channel. You definitely don't want to get involved, but it's kind of fascinating to follow. -Linus Torvalds Too bad if 90 percent of it is stupid. That's how creativity works. -Linus Torvalds World domination. Fast... and scantily clad females, of course. Who cares if it's below zero outside. -Linus Torvalds I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since. -Arturo Toscanini The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money -Alexis de Toucqueville Phoebe Sengers is either the most wickedly skilled baiter of OpBB/Discussion readers I've ever seen, or a complete fruitcake. I can't figure out which. -David S. Touretzky ... so, given that the brain is built out of really crummy hardware, I mean, worse than the stuff you buy at Radio Shack ... -David S. Touretzky Unix encourages, by egregious example, the most irresponsible programming style imaginable. No error checking. No error messages. No conscience. If a student here turned in code like that, I'd flunk his ass. -David S. Touretzky

I started to see people as little lonesome, water based, pink meat, life forms pushing air through themselves and making noises that the other little pieces of meat seemed to understand...I don't think I was 'mad', I was just confused. -Devin Townsend I don't read novels. I prefer good literary criticism. That way you get both the novelists' ideas as well as the critics' thinking. With fiction I can never forget that none of it really happened, that it's all just made up by the author. -Tom Townsend, Metropolitan But you may find that blood is not enough. -Pete Townshend Janning, to be sure, is a tragic figure. We believe he loathed the evil he did. But compassion for the present torture of his soul must not beget forgetfulness of the torture and death of millions by the government of which he was a part. Janning's record and his fate illuminate the most shattering truth that has emerged from this trial. If he and the other defendants were all depraved perverts - if the leaders of the Third Reich were sadistic monsters and maniacs - these events would have no more moral significance than an earthquake or other natural catastrophes. But this trial has shown that under the stress of a national crisis, men - even able and extraordinary men - can delude themselves into the commission of crimes and atrocities so vast and heinous as to stagger the imagination. No one who has sat through this trial can ever forget. The sterilization of men because of their political beliefs... The murder of children... How easily that can happen. There are those in our country today, too, who speak of the protection of the country. Of survival. The answer to that is: survival as what? A country isn't a rock. And it isn't an extension of one's self. It's what it stands for, when standing for something is the most difficult. Before the people of the world - let it now be noted in our decision here that this is what we stand for: justice, truth... and the value of a single human being. -Spencer Tracy as Judge Dan Haywood in Judgment at Nuremberg As you cruise the information highway, do not be afraid of the strange men you see walking on the shoulders, muttering to themselves. They work for us. -Tony Tribby nothing but angry, angsty industrial music ..."rrraarrr!"... GEETARS ..."unnggghh!"... DISTORTED VOCALS...."ich ich ich"..LYRICS IN GERMAN -Tony Tribby Think of all the things you wish you could be doing. Make a list of the reasons why you're not doing them. Cross off all the reasons that are really just excuses. Now ask yourself what's _really_ stopping you...

-Tony Tribby Well, after our 1-week hiatus, we're back tonight with our usual mix of cutting-edge electronic music and wonky suburban restaurant decor. -Tony Tribby While I can now say that it _is_ true that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar (actually didn't catch _any_ with vinegar, but I only decided at the last minute to try it), I am here to tell you that you can catch _a lot_ of flies, _very quickly_, with a high-powered vacuum cleaner. -Tony Tribby

...the detailed discussions American presidential candidates engage in about programs are virtually meaningless. Partly because of the separation of powers, the new President almost never signs into law the progams he promised. When you look at it that way, the only really important thing about George W. Bush's Social Security plan was that he didn't seem to understand it. -Calvin Trillin Is that so? Well let me tell you what I believe: I believe that if you don't get off the keyboard and start using the mouse, you'll always play like a little girl! -Trinity, cr0bar's The Matrix "Neo, this isn't going to work. Guns don't kill people, people kill people." "No, Trinity. Guns don't kill people, I kill people." -Trinity and Neo, cr0bar's The Matrix Live long and prosper. If anything goes wrong, nuke the whole site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. -Ryan Troll Wow. I think reading unhinged is more educational than going to class. -Ryan Troll There is a limit to the practical application of democratic methods. You can inquire of all the passengers as to what type of car they like to ride in, but it is impossible to question them as to whether to apply the brakes when the train is at full speed and an accident threatens. -Leon Trotsky Is an existentialist something to eat?

-Brian Trotter Mt. Dew good, yellow snow bad! -Brian Trotter Well adjusted: being able to make the same mistake over and over and over and over without getting upset. -Brian Trotter ... an OS originally designed for a microprocessor that modern kitchen appliances would sneer at.... -Dave Trowbridge on MS-DOS If you can't convince them, confuse them. -Harry S. Truman The Reform Party now includes a Klansman, Mr. Duke, a neo-Nazi, Mr. Buchanan, and a communist, Ms. Fulani. This is not company I wish to keep. -Donald Trump no one can accept without question the philosophical positions of anyone (no matter how dear otherwise) who has fed you stained creamed beets from a jar of Gerbers, and expected you to like it. -Michael Tucker A friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you in spite of it. -Mark Twain Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. -Mark Twain Better to let people think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. -Mark Twain Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -Mark Twain Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the mastery of fear. -Mark Twain Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

-Mark Twain Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. -Mark Twain

During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. The Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after doing its duty in but a lazy and indolent way for 800 years, gathered up its halters, thumbscrews, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry. -Mark Twain Each place has its own advantages - Heaven for the climate and Hell for society. -Mark Twain Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please -Mark Twain Honest poverty is a gem that even a king might feel proud to call his own, but I wish to sell out. I have sported that kind of jewelry long enough. -Mark Twain How come we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. -Mark Twain I never let my schooling get in the way of my education. -Mark Twain I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. -Mark Twain

If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said. -Mark Twain If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards. -Mark Twain Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. -Mark Twain, _The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn_ Profanity often lends itself to contentment not found even at prayer. -Mark Twain Reader, imagine you were an idiot. And imagine you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -Mark Twain Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. -Mark Twain Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. -Mark Twain You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. -Mark Twain

quotes: u
It's like a ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, except the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. -Marc Unangst Look, you granola-munching earth-shoe-wearing liberal FREAK, it has everything to do with California. -Marc Unangst Current American thought has its underpinnings in the past 30 years of bad TV. -Gabe Underwood Handcrafted with pride in the United States by non-exploited, entrepreneur- type craftspeople who ride their bikes a lot -Gabe Underwood I'm one of those anti-social computer people. If they can't send me email, well, you know... -Gabe Underwood, on women Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?' -Chris Unger Bad designs will yield bad results, even if improved mechanisms were to insure that they are efficiently achieved. -United Nations Association, "Words to Deeds: Strengthening the U.N.'s Enforcement Capabilities" Unix has been feverishly evolving for over 20 years, sort of like bacteria in a cesspool, only less attractive. -from Unix For Dummies

Unix doesn't have a philosophy, it has an attitude. -from The Unix-Hater's Handbook The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. -John Updike Got your resume polished? Well, print it out and send it on cow-spotted paper to Gateway 2000, now that President and COO Richard Snyder has left the land of milk and honey to head up a new venture fund in Massachusetts. Picture yourself with the hilarious Ted Waitt exchanging side-splitting lactose-intolerance jokes, while your competitors drop their PC prices every 15 minutes. -Upside We lie to you by not telling you things. We don't lie by telling you things that aren't true. -U.S. official to Wash. Post Yet terrible as UNIX addiction is, there are worse fates. If UNIX is the heroin of operating systems, then VMS is barbiturate addiction, the Mac is ecstacy and MS Windows is sniffing glue. You now owe the Oracle a twelve step program. -the Usenet Oracle

quotes: v
One must not confuse John Donne's famous quote 'No man is an Island' with New York Telephone's 'We're all connected' -Theodore Vaida's father Well, I've been getting between 3 and 5 hours of sleep a night for slightly over a week, and it's going to catch up with me eventually -- I figure, in about 20 minutes. -Pomona Valero It was a typical network exercise -- a screaming mob pounding on a greasy spot on the pavement, where there used to be the carcass of a dead horse. -Mike Van Pelt The opinions expressed herein are those of absolutely everyone at National Instruments: the management, staff, stockholders, their spouses, children, dogs, and cats. In fact, everyone in Austin also agrees. No, make that Texas. -Henry B. Velick No job too big; no fee too big! -Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters" You're going to shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss? -Verbal Kint, "The Usual Suspects" Taco Bell: Food cheaper than gum. -Carrie Vestal As a teenager, I want better labeling of content so I can tell at a glance while scanning DirecTV's film listings which shows contain nudity, which contain wanton violence, and which are just pansy-ass dramas. -Evan Vetere I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

-Gore Vidal It is not enough to succeed; others must fail. -Gore Vidal The corporate grip on opinion in the United States is one of the wonders of the Western world. No first world country has ever managed to eliminate so entirely from its media all objectivity -- much less dissent. -Gore Vidal Right now the Internet gives an awfully good imitation of providing superhuman intelligence capability, both in terms of the total hardware that is out there and the fact that the Net has all these human-equivalent peripheral devices called users that can be appropriated in a distributed way to attack problems. -Vernor Vinge Fortune favors the bold. -Virgil This suffering will yield us yet a pleasant tale to tell. -Virgil Right. This calls for a special blend of psychology and extreme violence. -Vivian, "The Young Ones" A witty saying proves nothing. -Voltaire Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one. -Voltaire I may despise what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. -Voltaire Originality is nothing but judicious imitation. The most original writers borrowed from one another. The instruction we find in books is like fire. We fetch it from our neighbors, kindle it at home, communicate it to others, and it becomes the property of all. -Voltaire The infinitely little have a pride infinitely great. -Voltaire

You will notice that in all disputes between Christians since the birth of the Church, Rome has always favored the doctrine which most completely subjugated the human mind and annihilated reason. -Voltaire I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution. -Wernher von Braun Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -Wernher von Braun Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death. -Werner Von Braun Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -Wernher von Braun Beer, of course, is actually a depressant. But poor people will never stop hoping otherwise. -Kurt Vonnegut Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. -Kurt Vonnegut I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot. -Bob Van Voris I'm too gothic for my skirt. Too gothic for my skirt. So gothic it hurts. -Voron

quotes: w
I think you should know I worry a lot. Like I worry about the Nobel sperm bank. Something bothers me about the world's greatest geniuses sitting around reading pornography and jerking off. -Jane Wagner Sex is just the sublimation of the math urge. -David Wald Anyway, there's plenty of room for doubt. It might seem easy enough, but computer language design is just like a stroll in the park. Jurassic Park, that is. -Larry Wall Artificial intelligences make mistakes too, only faster. -Larry Wall Down that path lies madness. On the other hand, the road to hell is paved with melting snowballs. -Larry Wall If you consistently take an antagonistic approach, however, people are going to start thinking you're from New York. -Larry Wall In general, they do what you want, unless you want consistency. -Larry Wall Tactical? TACTICAL!?!? Hey, buddy, we went from kilotons to megatons several minutes ago. We don't need no stinkin' tactical nukes. (By the way, do you have change for 10 million people?) -Larry Wall Unix is like a toll road on which you have to stop every 50 feet to pay another nickel. But hey! You only feel 5 cents poorer each time. -Larry Wall

Well, enough clowning around. Perl is, in intent, a cleaned up and summarized version of that wonderful semi-natural language known as "Unix". -Larry Wall Is it not the sound of a wall that people have stopped banging their heads against? -Larry Wall Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth largest in the world. Now, it's the second largest army in Iraq. -Wall Street Journal, March 15, 1991 The later models can pack nearly half a pound of dynamite, enough to blow off the better part of a leg. A fair number of the mines have been washed away by rain or set off over the years by wild boar and deer -- the noise of exploding wildlife is a well-known neighborhood sound for Germans living near the former border. -The Wall Street Journal, 4/14/93 The point here is that the protagonists' attempts to revise the "script" of history in "T2" parallel the director's having to muck around with "T2"'s own script in order for Schwarzenegger to be in the movie. Multivalent ironies like this -- which require that film audiences know all kinds of behind-the-scenes stuff from watching Entertainment Tonight and reading Premiere magazine -- are not commercial postmodernism at its finest. -David Foster Wallace Alright, dammit. What song is this from? I mean - I know it's a Depeche Mode tune, but who covered it most recently?. Oooooo! Nevermind! It's that Trent Reznor guy from Nine Foot Railroad Ties or something, isn't it? -Mike "Moose" Wallace Awright - don't MAKE me whip out a bottle of Stoli, angst boy... -Mike Wallace Hey now - don't get to thinking you're the only socially inept loser we have. You just happen to have passed the bar first, rat boy. -Mike Wallace However, you must be aware of the following procedures ... otherwise you could find yourself checked into the Rain-Man Suite of Hotel Smackdown. -Mike Wallace I had a splitting headache, and Chris had to lead me around by the hand to liquor stores.

-Mike Wallace I just used an emoticon, I feel so unclean... -Mike Wallace I'll supply the buns (mine and otherwise) and enough angst for 20. If there's call for any more, talk to Vince. He should be able to take up the slack. -Mike Wallace In a word, Vodka. In a few more, Amaretto, Rum, Gin. -Mike Wallace It's an electro-industrial band - they're playing tonight. $5. That's $29.95 too much. -Mike Wallace It's the urinal cakes - I swear to god. Try one. -Mike Wallace Stick this in your pope hat and smite it! -Mike Wallace Sure - long as it's entertaining and cheap. On that note - I suspect I'll spend the evening coding with kate. -Mike Wallace That may well be, but our socially inept losers have hot wives and can pass the bar on their first try. -Mike Wallace The correct solution to a problem like this is to call my ass. -Mike Wallace The glide point bloweth mine arse! Thinkpad nipples gooooood! -Mike Wallace This is just like spin-the-bottle ... only freakishly wrong. -Mike Wallace Ultimately, communism cannot be, by definition, imposed by the state. Evidently, only Gene Roddenberry can pull it off, God Rest His Ass. -Mike Wallace

We'll be right there. By which I mean "Come over. We still have party drinks." -Mike Wallace Welcome to civilization-- get away from me! -Mike Wallace You couldn't ruthless your way out of a food fight, you wuss. -Mike Wallace There is little sense in worrying about winds and storms, for these things come and go of there own accord. Worry instead about your ship and crew, your supplies and sails, for over them alone have you command. Always remember that hard work is the hull of your ship, and careful planning the rigging that supports your sails. Curse not the Gods when your hopes and dreams seem certain to be crushed upon the rocks of reality. For it was you alone who charted the course, and you alone who must keep your dreams afloat. -William Wallace Politicians write history. It's too bad they don't read it, too. -John H. Waller, Beyond the Khyber Pass: The Road to British Disaster in the First Afghan War" This Inauguration was special much in the way that some olympics are special. It doesn't matter whether Georgie wrote that speech or even understood it. What does matter is that he participated. He did his best, and for that he deserves a medal and a big hug. -Nancy Walls This world is a comedy for those who think but a tragedy for those who feel. -Horace Walpole The history of African-Americans during the past 400 years is traditionally narrated as an ongoing struggle against oppression and indifference on the part of the American mainstream, a struggle charted as an upward arc progressing toward ever more justice and opportunity. This description is accurate, but there is another, equally true way of narrating that history, and its implications are as frightening for the country as a whole as they are for blacks as a group. The history of African-Americans since the discovery of the New World is the story of their encounter with technology, an encounter that has proved perhaps irremediably devastating to their hopes, dreams, and possibilities. -Anthony Walton ...this is a dark and terrible era where you will find little comfort or hope. If you want to take part in the adventure then prepare yourself now. Forget the power of technology, science and common humanity. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for

there is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods. -Warhammer 40,000 promotional copy Art is what you can get away with. -Andy Warhol Artists make things for people they don't really need. -Andy Warhol If men are going to destroy the planet Earth and all its inhabitants with violence and wars, all men should be killed, to preserve the rest of human kind. -Betsy Warrior The United States is in no sense founded upon the Christian doctrine. -George Washington To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace. -George Washington AOL really pushes that bozo theme to the limit, though. -The Washington Post ...six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -The Washington Post Magazine WARNING: This page designed by programmers. According to our staff artists, viewing this page may be hazardous to your aesthetic health. -Disclaimer at www.watervalley.net A note on foreign shipments: canadian orders get an additional $3.00 tacked on to shipping, the rest of the world gets an additional $10.00 -- mostly because they're not as good at hockey and lacrosse. -Shipping term on www.copyleft.net In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow you to get some entertainment out of it. -Daniel Waters UNIX developers design hard-to-use systems because they've only experienced hard-touse sytems -- it's like child abuse. -Ed Watkeys

One could not be a successful scientist without realizing, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid. -James Watson You've got to try and be with people who are brighter than yourself, you've got to be prepared sometimes to do things that people say you are not qualified to do, and since you know you are going to get in trouble, you ought to have someone to save you after you are in deep shit, so you better always have someone who believes in you. -James Watson Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic depression. -Faye Wattleton A friend is one who would help you move. A best friend is one who would help you move a body. -Jeff Wayman Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off. -Jeff Wayman Mixing women and alcohol is best done with a blender. -Weave, #gothic An infinte number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works of litareture - in braille. -Stephen Webb Don't make me make you hurt me. -Keith Weber I'm so insecure, I've put child safety seats on all my mood swings. -weegee@iglou.com

Relative calm is expected in South Central Los Angeles for the next several weeks, as the looters stay home and try to program their new VCRs. -Weekend Update Despite what you might think, we don't just sit around mooning the hall monitor all day. Lots of people assume that a day at Computer Camp is a never-ending cavalcade of net games and bare buttocks, but there's a great deal of real work involved as well. There's a price to pay for all this glamour. -webmaster@bungie.com Did you know that Erwin Rommel earned the nickname "Desert Fox" after numerous officers saw him prancing naked across the African desert after dark with a dead chicken in his mouth? Don't believe that "brilliant tactician" horse puckey for a second. -webmaster@bungie.com It's not really possible to "like" Taco Bell, because Taco Bell isn't really a choice. Sometimes you just need to eat a mystery meat burrito at two in the morning, just like sometimes you simply need to travel to Philadelphia. Life is funny that way. -webmaster@bungie.com My latest idea is for a beat-em-up game in the Mortal Wombat vein called Friedrich Nietzsche's Art Of Fighting. The player basically has two kinds of attacks: the first attack will actually increase your opponent's health bar, while the second will kill the opponent instantly no matter how strong he or she is. Thus, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, in every possible sense. I'm sure there's a market for it. -webmaster@bungie.com Nobody likes a smartass. Unless you happen to be me, in which case you are adored by millions. Fifty Million Webmaster Fans Can't Be Wrong. -webmaster@bungie.com Right now IBM is running all these commercials focusing on these generally clueless businesspeople who just sit around surfing the web instead of working. Kinda funny when you think about it. Next time anyone asks me why OS/2 didn't catch on, I'll point them to IBM. -webmaster@bungie.com There's a time-worn adage about good things coming to those who wait, and another hoary old chestnut about Rome taking a long time to build, and another one about never judging a software company until you have walked a mile in their moccasins and coded a 3D engine with real terrain, real physics, and nut-crushing lightning effects. So cut us a little slack, jack. -webmaster@bungie.com

I'm the kind of person with a nerf gun who'll shoot you in the crotch if you cause me any problems -Sam Weiler The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce and gives it some of the grace of tragedy. -Steven Weinberg Any machine constructed for the purpose of making decisions, if it does not possess the power or learning, will be completely literal-minded. Woe to us if we let it decide our conduct, unless we have previously examined the laws of its action, and know fully that its conduct will be carried out on principles acceptable to us! On the other hand, the machine... which can learn and can make decisions on the basis of its learning, will in no way be obliged to make such decisions as we should have made, or will be acceptable to us. For the man who is not aware of this, to throw the problem of his responsibility on the machine, whether it can learn or not, is to cast his responsibility to the winds, and to find it coming back seated on the whirlwind. I have spoken of machines, but not only of machines having brains of brass and thews of iron. When human atoms are knit into an organization in which they are used, not in their full right as responsible human beings, but as cogs and levers and rods, it matters little that their raw material is flesh and blood. What is used as an element in a machine, is in fact an element in a machine. Whether we entrust our decisions to machines of metal, or to those machines of flesh and blood which are bureaus, and vast laboratories and armies and corporations, we shall never receive the right answers to our questions unless we ask the right questions... The hour is very late and the choice of good and evil knocks at our door. -Norbert Weiner, The Human Use of Human Beings You should never stand in love's way, especially if love is driving a bus. -R. M. Weiner To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password. -David Weingart In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing. But, you could see it a lot better. -Dave Weinstein Never be fatalistic about the inevitability of nuclear war or the destruction of our environment. There are _ways_ to avoid the holocaust and to make the world a cleaner place. We must never cease to search for them. -Victor F. Weisskopf Miracles sometimes occur, but one has to work terribly hard for them.

-Chaim Weizmann Don't pay attention to a word the press says. Wrap yesterday's fish in whatever they say tomorrow. -Jack Welch The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. -H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" There is no difference between Time and any of the three dimensions of Space, except that our consciousness moves along it. -H. G. Wells My name is Raquel Welch. I am here for visual effects, and I have two of them. -Raquel Welch, presenting the Academy Award for Best Visual Effects mechanical engineers build weapons. civil engineers build targets. -Wendigo Something's wrong with my monitor settings. This background looks like an Andy Warhol painting. -Jeremy Werner We are men of action. Lies do not become us. -Wesley, "the Princess Bride" Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. -Mae West When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. -Mae West I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. -Rebecca West This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. -Western Union memo, 1877

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -U.S. General William Westmoreland I am fine, really... See, I can still remember my password... -Alex Wetmore If this post isn't the poster-child for karma whoring, I don't know what is. -Wil Wheaton on Slashdot Meeting chicks? Dude. I was 13. If you'd have put a naked girl and a 720 degrees set to free play in front of me, I would have said, "Skate or Die!" as I pushed her aside. -Wil Wheaton So I'm back from outerspace, and I just came in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I changed my stupid IP, I even changed my URL. The only thing left to do is put up pics of naked girls!! -Wil Wheaton If you like caffeine and can't stand coffee, drink Mountain Dew. If you drink a case of the stuff within a short amount of time, you can't blink. It's really cool. -David Paul White No two countries with a MacDonald's Restaurant have ever gone to war with one another. -Matthew White The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. -Theodore H. White It is the business of the future to be dangerous. -Alfred North Whitehead There are no whole truths; all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil. -Alfred North Whitehead Wake up Harry, you're having a very important nightmare. -Gavin Whitehope, Wild Palms The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. -Katharine Whitehorn

If the shoe were on the other foot, Microsoft would have left it in and called it a feature. -Derren Whiteman The authors take no credit for hurt feelings or crushed egos, and that being said, all death threats will be laughed at. In other words, it's a story. You bring your lawyers, we'll bring our automatic weapons, it'll be a party. -Wide Open Spaces disclaimer Overall, however, the adaptation falls flat, lacking the true grit of its characters, lacking, in fact, in both the Fear and Loathing Departments. -Brad Wieners reviewing the radio adaptation of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -Alfred E. Wiggam Men were made big, and small. Samuel Colt made them all equal. Now, Gaston Glock has made some better than others. -Dave Wiggins Please refrain from touching that extremely cool piece of equipment. -Dave Wiggins As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. -Oscar Wilde Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -Oscar Wilde Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. -Oscar Wilde Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable we have to change it every six months. -Oscar Wilde It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. -Oscar Wilde The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality. -Oscar Wilde

The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. -Oscar Wilde The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely. -Oscar Wilde The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. -Oscar Wilde There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. -Oscar Wilde To do nothing is the most difficult thing in the world -- the most difficult and the most intellectual. -Oscar WildeFootball is a mistake. It combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. -George Will happiness is not a condition that is produced or stands on its own; rather, it is a frame of mind that accompanies an activity. But another frame of mind comes first. It is a steely determination to do well. -George Will If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National". -George Will Could you turn the light down from 'Inquisition' to 'mellow?' -Andrew Williams I thought they weren't gonna let me in, cuz i'm not dressed dumb. -Andrew Williams I thought it was called 'all fat chicks on the dance floor'.

-Andrew Williams Why can't we just shoot him in the head. Can we do that? Just shoot him, right in the head. God help me... -Mark Williams We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities. -Robin Williams Don't confuse arrogance with chronic correctness. -Steve Williams It's been a horrible year for Disney. I'm all for gentlemanly fair play. I enjoy a nice sporting match. But it's time to kick Disney when they're down. Why? Because when they get back up, it will be buying the Social Security system and using new revenues to pipe the lyrics to "Be Our Guest" subliminally from low Earth-orbiting satellites. They'll turn into a lobotomized Angela Lansbury in her younger years, and animatronic bluegrass-loving bears will run the DMV. -Tish Williams, Upside If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny. -Rene de Visme Williamson As for the larger question of whether our books are suitable for learning how to program: I was first going to contradict what 'the publisher' said in his article, but then I noticed that he was quoting me. I quickly changed my strategy. -Frank Willison You know what I hate? It's all the 'My' stuff these days. MySpace, MyProfile, MyNotifications, MyContacts (I lose them all the time), MyWallet, MyUsage. . . Please! I'm not a three year-old or a Jack Russell Terrier. I'm not mesmerized by the first person singular possessive pronoun. I know that it's not really mine; Microsoft has it and charges me to use it. I'm old-fashioned; I keep MyWallet in MyPants, next to MyAss. And guess what you can do? -Frank Willison HEY NOW!!!! YOU'RE MAKING ME WRITE IN ALL CAPS. -Kristiina Wilson ... i found myself making pissy comments about all their pissy comments. it was pretty dumb.

-Kristiina Wilson I HEART CHEAP IRONY -Kristiina Wilson i think what modern art needs to do next is staple marilyn manson to a wall. shock value PLUS the crucifixion cliche! -Kristiina Wilson i think you should rework that statement. a much more useful version is: "From now on, anyone gets smacked." -Kristiina Wilson If you go to school with 1,500 kids in cheap chinos and brew-thru tshirts, 50% of them wear baseball caps and %75 percent like emmet swimming while %23 prefer pearl jam, how many people do you know that totally suck? Also, if %97 of the girls squeal a LOT and talk about beer, how many do you kill? -Kristiina Wilson In the interest of obnoxiousness, and also so that people who don't know me personally won't recognize me on the street, these images are all one of 3 things: stupid, old or embarassing. Because we all know i never act or look that way anymore. Yeah. -Kristiina Wilson I'm Marilyn Mansonite Zero! I'm SSOOOSOo energetically moody. -Kristiina Wilson i'm not sure when my feelings towards design turned from interest to hate. oh no wait! I guess that would be when i SOLD OUT. -Kristiina Wilson join the club, learn the handshake, shoot yourself. -Kristiina Wilson Look! A GothiKKKKKKKK Wanker! -Kristiina Wilson on a side note, i seem to have finally gotten over my "stupid men" phase. this probably means i'll go back into my "nun" phase or my "angst" phase or perhaps just stay here stuck in my annoying "quotes" phase. -Kristiina Wilson

i love how i always inform people of that, like it's some BIG HONOR that requires notification. "Look! I have validated not only your witty speech patterns, but also your existance! ON THE WEB!" -Kristiina Wilson SO, U WANT TO BE AN ARTIST? OR JUST ACT LIKE ONE? WELL NOW U CAN! 4 ONLY $75, U 2 CAN SPEND A WEEK IN THE DESERT, ROUGHING IT WITH OTHER 'CREATIVES' AND MAKING 'CONCEPT PIECES' ON THE INTERNET! DON'T FORGET TO PACK YOUR ATTITUDE, YOUR WILLINGNESS TO PAY FOR FAKE INSPIRATION AND COMMUNITY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOUR IGNORANCE! -Kristiina Wilson Speaking of Marilyn Manson, there are no spooky kids here. What there are instead are millions of mosquitos. They try to suck your blood, but at least they don't try to do it while going to the Bank wearing capes and fangs and K-RAD plastic pants. -Kristiina Wilson when i was a freshman here i dated this horrible guy who used to wear ruffly shirts like that, becuase he was SUPERGOTH. he turned out to just be a big wanker. which is really the same thing. -Kristiina Wilson wow - that's an impressive headache. it causes pain AND sounds like a bad art film. oh no wait, those are the same thing. -Kristiina Wilson wow - they're, like, BURNING their art! how cool! how anti-establishment! how esoteric! watch them as they cut the edge! -Kristiina Wilson There's a fine line between glamor and trash, and I don't care if I cross it as long as I'm drenched in fake fur. --Mehitobel Wilson Your professor was a bozo. Unless he was somebody important, of course :-) -Paul Wilson Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures; costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who receives, and thus, like mercy, is twice blessed. -Erastus Wiman

Anyone who is serious about making good 3D cards ensures that their names have an odd mix of capital and lower case letters: 3Dfx, nVidia and even lowly ATi nowadays. -wincent.org editorial Another person who's smarter than I. What a relief to not have to be the smartest guy anymore. -Dave Winer Art and money are closely related. Try sitting down with a group of artists and ask them what's on their mind. Very quickly the topic shifts to money. And it can be very hard to get them off that subject. -Dave Winer Christmas parties for the last few years have been all about, "Oh, we're about to do our IPO" or "Oh, the greatest thing is, we're pre-IPO." That's wishful thinking. Maybe they've never heard of Murphy's law. -Dave Winer I don't want to say these things. That's why I'm saying them. You may not want to hear them. That's why you should hear them. -Dave Winer I was once quoted in Upside, saying that General Magic's MagicCap OS was like a waitress who made her personality the issue instead of the food. The metaphor was actually a bit more colorful. -Dave Winer I looked up 'standard' in the dictionary. There are eleven different definitions. -Dave Winer If you say Java one more time, I'm going to puke. -Dave Winer Note that no one asked Mike if his code was open source or if his underwear is clean. -Dave Winer OK, he's a Yankees fan. Now I know another reason not to like him. -Dave Winer

One thing's for sure, in the war between freedom and fear, our side is going to have the cool t-shirts. -Dave Winer Over the weekend I exchanged email with a Unix guy who chastised me for being "insular" and proposed to tell me how to speak to Unix people with proper humility. Well, I only pray to one God in relation to computers, and His name is Murphy -Dave Winer The infrastructure of the US is a long-term suspension of disbelief that such things won't be exploded deliberately by people who don't create anything. -Dave Winer The NY Times editorial page is still name-calling and dividing, a sure formula for continuing agony. A ton of unnecessary conjecture, when the reason for impeachment is now obvious. Clinton was blowing off the Republicans, and they decided to blow him away. Now that everyone has acknowledged each other's power to blow in one way or another, the NY Times editorial page, which is a worldwide opinion leader, should get a clue. -Dave Winer You guys love us. But when Microsoft comes along and offers weblogging tools, you will use them, and will be happy, but will find an element of sadness underneath the satisfaction. You will remember how good we were, but that won't matter. You'll remember how we believed in the Web, as you do, and didn't try to change your content or force your readers to use Passport, or try to kill your favorite platform vendor, or how we supported choice in tools, instead of trying to lock you in to our way of doing things. You'll use the tools that everyone else uses, because you accept that you are slaves to The Machine. You'll wish it weren't so, but that's just the way it is. -Dave Winer ...the true artist is always rich. I have no patience with those who toil away in squalor, claiming to develop new art forms. The experimental novel is a waste of public funds, and I'm sure Noah would agree with me. -Jeanette Winterson, Boating for Beginners We were so happy those wet carefree nights. I felt we were like Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes. I knew my place. And then Catherine said she was leaving. She didn't want to do it but she felt that a writer doesn't make a good companion. 'It's only a matter of time,' she said, 'before I become an alcoholic and forget how to cook.' I suggested we wait and try to ride it out. She shook her head sadly and patted me. 'Get a dog.' -Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

Increasingly, people seem to misinterpret complexity as sophistication, which is baffling -- the incomprehensible should cause suspicion rather than admiration. Possibly this trend results from a mistaken belief that using a somewhat mysterious device confers an aura of power on the user. -Niklaus Wirth Hi, I'm new to this group and was reading about cyberpunk. I was wondering if there is a version out for the macintosh??? If so could someone please let me know, and tell me what is required to run it. -Michael A. Wisniewski Jr. Never rise to speak till you have something to say; and when you have said it, cease. -Witherspoon All right, this is the plan. We'll get in there and get wrecked. Then we'll eat a pork pie. Then we'll go home and drop a couple of Surmontil 50's each. That means we'll miss out on Monday, but come up smiling on Tuesday morning.... Nothing ever happens on Mondays. I hate bastard Mondays. -Withnail, Withnail and I, Bruce Robinson Mathematics is a logical method ... Mathematical propositions express no thoughts. In life it is never a mathematical proposition which we need, but we use mathematical propositions only in order to infer from propositions which do not belong to mathematics to others which equally do not belong to mathematics. -Ludwig Wittgenstein Philosophers are often like small children who scribble random marks on paper and then ask an adult, "What is this?" -Ludwig Wittgenstein The riddle does not exist. If a question can be put at all, then it can also be answered. -Ludwig Wittgenstein There can never be surprises in logic. -Ludwig Wittgenstein A certain critic made the nasty remark about my last novel that it contained 'all the old Wodehouse characters under different names'. He's probably by now been eaten by bears, like the children who mocked the prophet Elisha: but if he still survives he won't be able to make a similar charge against "Summer Lightning." This time, I have outgeneralled him by putting in all the old Wodehouse characters under the same names. Ha hah ha! -P. G. Wodehouse

I'm the misfit of the group, and I think they need me like a beauty pageant needs a wet turd. -Jordan Wolbrum To truly appreciate the dramatic arc of the story of Louis and Wired, you have to understand that he was nobody. He had no experience, no credentials, no credibility, no connections. He was 42 years old when he launched Wired, and he had never accomplished anything that an accomplished person would take seriously. Not to mention that his idea for a magazine, if you analyzed it in any businesslike way, was bad. -Michael Wolff Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION: Bush goes to Japan; Loses tennis, lunch and face; Winter of vomit -wolit@mhuxd.att.com Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out. -Thomas Cardinal Wolsey I'm Network Spice. -Cameo Wood Wow! So tell me, how does a functional illiterate like yourself get a job at a Regional Bell these days? Mmm, perhaps that's a foolish question. Did you ever think it would be your inability to communicate that would make you this famous? Can I have your autograph? -Bill Woodcock It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. -John Wooden There is no limit to what a man can do or how far he can go if he doesn't mind who gets the credit. -Robert Woodruff SCSI is NOT magic. There are fundamental technical reasons why it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then. -John Woods Use the root password for an important host, and listen carefully for someone shouting "YES!!!" -John Woods on how to check for packet sniffers

All good work is done in defiance of management. -Bob Woodward For most of history, Anonymous was a woman. -Virginia Woolf Lock up your libraries if you like, but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind. -Virginia Woolf People would rather live with a problem they cannot solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. -Woolsey-Swanson Rule Woo hoo! Laid off! 2007 will go down in history as the "Year of Getting Laid...Off." -Tom Working I guess we're getting a valuable education learning what it's like being a drudge in a major corporation. When you get into a tedious job, so that year after year you begin praying for death as an escape from the monotony of it all, you'll remember it was this class that helped prepare you for it. -Paul Workman I was asked back in the early days of the lawsuit [against Microsoft] to write an Op-Ed piece for the New York Times, but they didnt print it. I got a letter back from the editor months later saying that maybe they'd run it, but it needed a little fixing. So, [I said] rewrite it. I wrote Microsoft's a monopolist and the Times wanted to edit it to say, Microsoft is innovative. The funny thing is that I had started out in my own head without having a bias. I thought Microsoft did a lot of things that were good and right building parts of the browser into the operating system. Then I thought it out and came up with reasons why it was a monopoly. I specified the strong penalties they should undergo. Eventually I found out that the New York Times had tight friendship ties with Microsoft and that one of Microsoft's key people had an editorial column in the Times. They were trying to use me. But I know newspapers. They have the first amendment and they can tell any lie knowing its a lie and theyre protected if the persons famous or its a company or their tongues up its anus or all three. -Steve Wozniak

So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.' -Steve Wozniak No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it. -Frank Lloyd Wright The two most important tools an architect has are the eraser in the drawing room and the sledge hammer on the construction site. -Frank Lloyd Wright No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris ... [because] no known motor can run at the requisite speed for four days without stopping... -Orville Wright Sex with Rachel was great. It was amazing. It was like a concert, it really was. She screamed a lot. And threw frisbees around the room. And when she wanted more, she'd light a match. -Steven Wright The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost went back in time. -Steven Wright There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. -Steven Wright You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -Steven Wright I was wondering how you got him out of the house. He looked like living death. Then again we all looked like living death. Some of us on purpose. -wsmith@sunspot.tiac.net The only person who got all his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. -Andreas Wuertz

Originally employed in 1982 as a form of psychoacoustic mood therapy for latent homosexuals, synthpop has since mutated into a form of psychoacoustic mood therapy for latent homosexuals. -www.rmifaq.com When you killed your daughter, your pulse never rose above normal. We're alike in that way, but my crimes will be grander, I assure you. One day I will put out the sun, and make bare every womb that ever was. -Coty Wyckoff, Wild Palms

quotes: xyz
You can always solve a problem by introducing another layer of indirection. -Xerox PARC saying We can call it e-sol, which has the added benefit of being 'lose' spelled backwards. -xpaul You may not use the Yahoo! FinanceVision software or content to operate nuclear facilities, life support or other medical equipment or use the Yahoo! FinanceVision software or content while driving, biking, boating, operating machinery or engaging in any activity which demands constant attention. -Yahoo! FinanceVision license agreement Well, I'll write this down, just to confuse you.. I think I just confused me, too. -Prof. Yakir The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. -William Butler Yeats Right now I'm at page 91 of a 216 page book and I must say that the most persistent flaw is that the author often doesn't seem to know what he's talking about. -Matthew Yglesias The idea of Bush campaigning in the District of Columbia, whose population consists almost entirely of African-Americans, government employees, and African-American employees is a more than a bit absurd. Here in the noble 22nd Precinct I was shocked to learn the other day that we have as many as one Bush supporter. -Matthew Yglesias Do or do not. There is no try. -Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. -Yoda, The Phantom Menace

A fixed bear is an animal in the bear family which includes black bears, brown bears, pandas, koalas, and grizzlies, as well as many others, which has been surgically altered to inhibit reproduction--for example, by removing the gonads. A fixed bear is generally not acceptable body jewellery due to their size as well as their claws and teeth which can be quite damaging during intercourse in the case of genital piercings, although there are probably a few adventurous and exotic size queens on RAB sporting sterilized koalas in their lobes after months and months of stretching. -Clay Young See, I have two different sets of notes here, his and mine. And looking at his notes is enough to send someone into an alternate universe. -Hugh Young I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word; if only she'd get to it. -Henny Youngman ...each day, death walks the earth, and we continue to live as though we were immortal. -Yudishthira, The Bhagavad Gita Growing up is all about finding out that there are gay people. -Erin van Yuga If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. -Lin Yutang You can check the government organization handbook. The handbook contains all government organizations, it does not contain any secret organization. -Sun Yuxi, PRC Foreign Ministry spokesman You have a master's degree in engineering but half the people in your department either didn't go to college or have history degrees, except if you have a master's from Stanford, in which case everyone in your department has a master's degree from Stanford -You Know You're From Silicon Valley When: You remember the names of the three closest cheap sushi joints, the location of all the Fry's in the area and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the next year, but don't know the name of the fucking mayor -You Know You're From Silicon Valley When:

I remember the Seventies -- clearly. They sucked!... The only good thing that came out of the Seventies was sex, and I was too young. And I'm pissed! -Dave Zabowski To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. -William Zachmann, International Data Corp I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. -Frank Zappa If you do bad things in the vicinity of a rock and roll record, chances are you were sick before you got there. -Frank Zappa Most rock journalism is people who can not write interviewing people who can not talk. -Frank Zappa Politics is the entertainment branch of industry. -Frank Zappa Science is moving closer to weaponry, and Art is moving closer to commercialism. And never the twain shall meet. -Frank Zappa The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business. -Frank Zappa Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. -Frank Zappa You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -Frank Zappa

I must say, though, that it feels good to be resigning from AOL instead of resigning from Netscape. It doesn't really feel like quitting at all. -Jamie Zawinski I'd just like to take this moment to point out that C has all the expressive power of two dixie cups and a string. -Jamie Zawinski Oh, by the way, you may have noticed that the first picture on this page, the one of the striped hallway, has a nasty moir pattern in the carpet. That's not just an artifact of the image; the carpet in this place really looks like that. Especially late at night. After you've been here for enough hours, it seethes and writhes at you as you walk down the hall, skittering away from your feet, taunting you, whispering at you, telling you to do horrible things to your coworkers in its quiet, insistent voice. Or maybe that's just me. -Jamie Zawinski Personally I think you and your fang-wearing D&D-playing pals pretty well embody the Jungian "wanker" motif. Yeah, I got your Dark Gift right here, buddy. -Jamie Zawinski Using these toolkits is like trying to make a bookshelf out of mashed potatoes. -Jamie Zawinski at school we were going to set up a subdepartment of the fashion police devoted to ticketing men who attempted to grow facial hair without a permit... hippie school = many 18 year old boys who looked like they'd wiped their mouths on a weasel after eating something particularly sticky -Ilen Zazueta-Hall i have never seen so much blatant irresponsiblity masquerading as free-thinking in one place at one time... and it's not even *pretty* -Ilen Zazueta-Hall I smoke a few more cigarettes, then two women approach me. "What is your company?" says the bolder of the two. "I've never heard of it." "It's a personal site," I say. She brightens. "Oh, you mean like dating services?" "No, I mean there's no company, it's just me. It's entertainment for the Web." "Ah. Who supplies your entertainment content?" "I do. I supply the entertainment content." She says, "What is your revenue model?" I say, "I don't have one." The women giggle as if I've said something witty. They cover their mouths like children. We exchange business cards. -Jeffrey Zeldman

The Middle East is a cauldron of hatred and violence, children go hungry all over the world, and Network Solutions continues to exist. -Jeffrey Zeldman Computer Science - as a field, we're like that asshole teenager next door. -Jim Zelenka Dibs on killing the first person to post, "I eased my high-capacity disk drive into her warm velvet love pocket, after first lubricating it with rich, creamery butter." -Jim Zelenka Of course it has civilian applications. You might wanna kill your friends, someday. -Jim Zelenka Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's 'Practical Gamekeeping.' -Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) If we set up a system that is optimized for surveillance, this government may not and probably won't use it. But then another government comes to power, one that sees the potential to use their 'keys' to destroy their opponents. It could be the last government we ever elect. -Phil Zimmerman Duct tape is like the force...it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. -Carl Zwanzig

quotes: anonymous
a scene is a collection of sexual references that masquerades as an art support group -anonymous After decades of careful research on the possible uses of the Internet, we were still unprepared for anything as pointless as IRC. -anonymous All the surrealist stuff with naked women, with a few exceptions, gets me really angry. So much of it is obviously, 'Let us look at naked ladies while pretending to shock you by exposing your mind to the naked breast!' -anonymous And it's not development's fault--the corporate management infrastructure seems to have a worse checks and balances system than a pre-school lemonade stand. -anonymous Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. In bed! -anonymous art and science are of the same basic fabric, except in art you tend to arrive at important developments without the need for documentation on how you got there -anonymous But, of course, both you and I know that our words our meaningless and we only speak them to hint at the dark and deranged undercurrent, which can never be named. -anonymous Call his bluff. If you're lucky you'll get to see his entire life flashing before his lies. -anonymous Dear L. L. Bean, please rename the color choice for mens' boxers to something other than 'cream.' Many thanks. -anonymous Delaying Windows Vista's release would be like throwing sand in the anal lubricant. It would not change anything, just make it a bit more painful for Gates and the customers preparing themselves. -anonymous

Everybody who's vested is too busy lighting cigars and tipping hookers to comment. -anonymous Sports Illustrated editor after AOL/Time-Warner merger announcement I am gayer than a cocaine tupperware party -anonymous I can see it now: Our drives will give you the capacity to continue to store all that old data in addition to all your new data. The new Segate Information Buttplug 1 terabyte drive - the data goes in, but it never comes out. "The constipation of success" -anonymous I don't know what my problem with women is.. I've tried getting bigger shoes, but it doesn't help. -anonymous I feel so... dirty... I'm currently using Windows XP, instead of my old faithful Linux, and I really hate myself. I feel like a cheap whore. -anonymous I had more thoughts over the weekend but I forgot them because they were at a party and I was busy staring at some girl's legs. -anonymous i have a persistent object...in my pants!! -anonymous i have my doubts that the evening will wind up with us together unless ... the first words out of her mouth are "i" and "apologize" in that order -anonymous I just saw my insurance rates pass before my eyes. -anonymous i suffer for art. or from it, rather. -anonymous I take all major forms of death. -anonymous I wasn't looking for 'Ms. Right', or even 'Ms. Right Now', but more for 'Ms. Right Here'. -anonymous

I think that's reason enough to give up Linux and go with BeOS R5. I mean, how much sex does the average Linux user get? I just did a poll of Be developers I know. They get a lot. I don't think it has anything to do with sex appeal though. It has to do with time. Linux users sit and play with themselves while recompiling their kernel. Be users leave that job to Brian "no-dual-Celerons-TYVM" Swetland at Be and spend the quality time with their wives and girlfriends. Linux may be hot now, but without adequate procreation of its vocal supporters, it will be a footnote in a generation. -anonymous I'm not homophobic, I'm just intolerant. -anonymous I'm smart. Take my pants off. -anonymous if anyone wants the vicarious orgasm, send me a check for $5. -anonymous If I wanted to sleep with someone that effeminate, I'd be heterosexual. -anonymous It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married. -anonymous It's so embarrassing when I'm always right. -anonymous Maybe 1 percent. The one percent shall hereby be named 'angst'. As in, 'I met a really nice piece of angst today'. -anonymous Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining... you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow. -anonymous my ethics teacher, on the other hand, is one of the best impersonators of a hamster pumped full of crack in the world. who wins? me. -anonymous My testicles actually grow in size every time I drive that fast. -anonymous

Never read James Joyce while sitting on the toilet. It will forever distort your ability to go to the can. -anonymous NT is like AIDS. Everything looks great, and a couple of years later you realize you've got serious problems - the price you pay for screwing around. -anonymous Oh, btw, if I said or did anything out of character, or accidentally embarrassed/angered/molested anyone -- I blame it on the liquor and drugs ... oh, and of course, I was out of town on business. -anonymous Shouldn't we try and rise above our evolutionarily determined urges, especially when they're nothing but meaningless, wasteful exchanges? No? Well, unless you want to never get laid... -anonymous Sometimes I really hate myself for being so judgemental. But not today. -anonymous SWM seeks intelligent SWF for pointless sexual relationship. I'm bitter, jaded, and hate the outdoors, but don't let that stop you since I won't value your opinion anyway. Call me, and save the money you would have spent on dinner and a movie. -anonymous SWM25, snuff fetishist, seeking SWF18-25 for short term relationship. -anonymous Ten thousand people in this damn school and I get a stupid fat Greek with poor taste in music who lives across the hall and thinks he's a headbanger. -anonymous The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. -anonymous The great thing about homophobia is that once you've decided you hate gays, you can then decide that someone you don't like is gay, and have a reason to hate him other than that he's a fat, stupid, ham-handed imbecile. -anonymous

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. -anonymous The irony is that we subtly contribute to this by helping to build network and organizational infrastructure which supports a highly networked economy. We think we're doing better because our salaries go up and up and up when in fact we spend more and more of our income at... amazon.com. Translation: less money now than when I was flat broke. -anonymous There is but one lesson you must learn, young one: Do what you want. If you don't know what you want, then do nothing, and call it Zen. Don't bother attempting to get subcultural insights from someone who believes in subculture. The emperor wears no clothes and the Way cannot be seen. -anonymous This is it. Billions of dollars of development in computers and miniaturization technology, all so I can have Jenna Jameson and a cheap knock-off of "The Bard's Tale" in my pants. -anonymous We do dangerous drugs, and pass the savings on to you! -anonymous Welcome to Vasa-Zine! The only online magazine for humans, by humans. Well except for that one day when the apes took over, but I think we have that problem under control now. -anonymous WILL YOU PLEASE IMPALE YOURSELF THROUGH THE HEART ON MY WOODEN STAKE, GOTH BOY? CHECK ONE: YES NO -anonymous You do not understand hate. You do not hate something, you are full of hate or not full of hate. Generally, if you are not full of hate you are dumb. Generally, if you are full of hate you are also dumb. Generally, you are dumb. -anonymous You misunderstand. I'm not a sexist, I'm a misogynist. I don't have anything against any of the _other_ sexes, just women. -anonymous

quotes: unknown
A cat that's been dipped in formaldehyde is much different from an undipped cat. -unknown A closed mouth gathers no feet. -unknown A Conservative is a liberal who's been mugged. A Libertarian is a Conservative who's been audited. -unknown A friend who used to work at a 'research lab' related a story about a customer support line at 'company x'. The support person said something on the order of "You're not our only customer, you know," to which the reply was, "Perhaps not, but we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." -unknown A layman knows he has to kick it; An amateur knows where to kick it; A professional knows how hard. -unknown A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men. -unknown A planet is a nice thing spoiled by a sparse population of Dominoes Delivery Men. -unknown A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. -unknown A pre-emptive retaliatory strike: get them back before they get you in the first place. -unknown Academic training was instrumental. You have to understand the language of society before you can start stretching and subverting it and ripping and tearing it and burning it and watching the plastic drip on the ants. -unknown

Acid is like a woman -- a good one'll eat right through your pants. -unknown Altoids used to clear my sinuses, so I bought a box and ate 15 of them or so, all at once. Result: the usual pain everywhere but in my sinuses. I take this as a bad sign. I imagine my sinuses are basically "filled to the Rim with Brim" except it's not Brim; it's like solid snot. -unknown An engineer is a person who passes as an exciting technical expert on the basis of being able to turn out with prolific fortitude, infinite strings of incomprehensive estimates calculated with microscopic precision from vague assumptions and debatable figures taken from inconclusive data obtained with recording devices of problematical accuracy by uninformed persons of doubtful reliability and questionable mentality. -unknown And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." -unknown Anime is better than bunraku because it is much shorter and has a snappy rock soundtrack -unknown Art is anything you can get away with. -unknown At the rate we're going, hell may freeze before our next release. -unknown Because of a new government ban on chlorofluorocarbons, the US Air Force is to refit all its nuclear missiles with new cooling systems which don't use CFCs. This is to protect the environment while they wait to deliver terminal global warming. The Environmental Protection Agency concedes that it may be 'ironic' to make nuclear missiles more ecofriendly, but regulations are regulations. -unknown Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick it once and you suck forever. -unknown

Business is like riding a bicycle -- either you keep moving or you fall down. -unknown Calm down. It's only ones and zeros. -unknown Cats seem to live by the opinion that it never hurts to ask for what you want. -unknown Choose your enemies carefully. Sooner or later you begin to look like them. -unknown Civilization doesn't give out, it gives in. In a society where anything goes, eventually everything will. -unknown Computers help us do stupid things faster. -unknown congratulations! you are the first person to crash my new computer. you have won a stream of obscenities. -unknown Consulting is like dating - you smile a lot, you pretend to enjoy yourself, and wait for someone to call you back. -unknown Cryptic or stupid. You decide. -unknown Dallas,TX: Where we shoot Presidents and shoot people who shoot Presidents. -unknown Dammit, we just sprayed for goths last week! -unknown Due to the aids epedemic it is no longer company policy to suck up or kiss the boss's ass. -unknown

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway -unknown effective immediately, my email address will change from [foo@foo.com] to [bar@bar.net]. This may mean nothing or absolutely nothing to you depending on which of the people I sent this to are recieveing it. If it does mean something to you, please don't write to my old email address or bad things may happen to you and you family. For example, two months ago an egyptian archeologist in egypt mailed my old email address and was later found to be dead from mosquito bites. His wife and kids lived happily ever after. Another man in peru mailed my old email address before he went on an expedition to that incan city I forget it's name. He broke his leg. He came back and mailed my correct address and three weeks later his leg was mysteriously healed and he discovered a new incan city just two miles from his home. this is NOT a chain letter, please do not send it to anyone. -unknown Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. -unknown Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. -unknown First, God created Man. Then He rested. Then, God created Woman, and nobody's rested since. -unknown First, there was nothing. Then it exploded. -unknown France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. -unknown Give a hungry man a fish and you have fed him for a day, but give him a case of dynamite and soon the entire village will be showered with mud and water and hard-toidentify little chunks of fish. -unknown

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. -unknown Here in the states we support the right to arm bears. It says so in the Fourth Amendment of our Constitution. -unknown Hmmm. 10 years ago I was hacking MCI, now they're giving me free accounts. I must be getting old or something. -unknown I am an honest businessman. An investor. A farmer. A winemaker. (That's one of mine you are drinking now, by the way. Do you like it?). A philosopher. And, oh, yes, a very highly-paid assassin. -unknown I believe God gave me a limited number of words to use in my lifetime. When I say all I have to say, I will then die. Therefore, I will not waste any of my precious words yelling and arguing with you. -unknown I do not 'work'. I have people who pay me to do my hobbies in a timely fashion. -unknown I don't hate falling in love so much as knowing that every fall ends in a sudden stop, and the stop is usually very painful. -unknown I don't hate women... I just tend to get confused and stepped on by them... that is why i said I should join a monastery...I figure they could at least protect me...of course with my luck, as soon as I joined they would start having mixers with some convent of hot nuns. -unknown I don't want life to resemble art. I want life to BE art. -unknown I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to sit still in two spots. -unknown I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time! -unknown

I have found that it is much easier to fake an orgasm than to pretend to like basketball. -unknown I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked also back into me. Neither of us liked what we saw. -unknown I haven't lost my mind; it's just backed up on tape somewhere! -unknown I know WINDOWS, boy. DOS AND WINDOWS. I can scavenge API calls with the best of them, and remap your drives to the toaster in your kitchen. -unknown I like being intriguing. Most people aren't. And sometimes I THINK people are intriguing, and then I get to know them and they just turn out to be weird. Oh, well. -unknown I see these kids today, in their black satanic t-shirts, and I think "What are you doing?? You didn't grow up in the 80's. I thought we were gonna get NUKED! What's YOUR excuse?" -unknown I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. -unknown I should be reading for my Buddhism class right now, but I figure Buddhism is one of those subjects that is best contemplated, not studied. -unknown I think his religion is Discordian. However, I think that that is a joke. -unknown I think, therefore I'm single. -unknown If 99% is good enough, then gravity will not work for 14 mins every day. -unknown if you have an ax, every problem looks like fun -unknown

I'm working on putting my best songs in mp3-format so I can use my computer as an expensive stereo. -unknown In a world without fences, who needs Gates? -unknown In order to truly understand 'Mankind', it is first necessary to look at the the two words from which it was formed: 'Mank' and 'ind'.... It's a total mystery. -unknown In the Internet Service Provider craze, there is only one thing that is important. One thing that is more important than family, friends, or the fact that you've just pushed your mother into a pit with Yog Sohoth, Demon Lord of all that is Unholy. And that one thing is porn. -unknown It is not without reason that I am being unreasonable. -unknown It's good to eat. It's good to laugh. But try to both at the same time and you'll pay through the nose. -unknown It's only funny until someone loses an arm or leg. Then it's hilarious. -unknown Jeffrey Dahmer: Because a sandwich is a sandwich, but a manwich is a meal. -unknown Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole. -unknown Keep your friends close, & your enemies closer. -unknown Ken has an automobile which he designd. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor any of the idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes a mistake, a giant "WTF?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", Ken says, "will usually know what's wrong." -unknown

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. -unknown Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? -unknown, open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger Life is uncertain - eat dessert first -unknown life's too short to spend one-seventh of it on monday. -unknown Manchester is probably the only city on Earth where a bomb could go off and do billions of pounds worth of improvement. -unknown Money sucks, and people suck, and the world sucks, let's go dye our hair. -unknown Moral principles can never be compromised; they can only be abandoned. -unknown My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a 'paint-by-irrational-number' kit. -unknown Nerds tend to have miserable adolescences and they grow up to inherit the earth. -unknown No, no, no,. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. -unknown Nobody expects miracles unless they're a really bad manager... -unknown

Now here's today's lesson about mind over matter. If you have the willpower to bring a large, metal, finely machined assault weapon into existance, think about how many small, light, green pieces of paper you can make. And all the drugs you can buy with them. Won't they make you feel _much_ better than a few seconds of random violence? -unknown Obviously, you are too young and naive to have realised the utter futility of life. We are here because our parents had a few moments of meaningless lust that they did not enjoy. Our parents did not raise us because they love us, for who can love a mewling, puking infant? They did because they were genetically programmed to. Once we are grown, we will have our meaningless lusts with someone we do not love, someone who does not love us, or both. We will probably have children who do not love us either and will leave home at the earliest opportunity. We'll work in meaningless jobs, and our work will not affect anybody's lives, except to slightly annoy someone. When we die, only those we owe money to will mourn our being dead before we returned their money. -unknown Only dead fish swim with the stream. -unknown Only those who attempt the absurd ... will achieve the impossible -unknown Only women get used. Men just perform on cue. -unknown Organization and good planning are just crutches for people that can't handle stress and caffeine. -unknown Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. -unknown Photography is one percent inspiration and 99 percent moving furniture. -unknown Programming is like sex - one mistake and you end up supporting it for a lifetime. -unknown "Quid pro quo" is Latin for "Sleep with me or clean out your desk." -unknown

Real love, despite party line counsel to the contrary, is permeated with dependency, as well it should be. It should therefore come as no surprise that dependency upon the system and its non-human servitors has replaced dependency upon mates. One falls in love and cohabitates with his or her computer. -unknown Remember: Think globally, act idiotically. -unknown Rome was not built in a night. -unknown Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. -unknown Sex is any activity that has a 40% or better chance of resulting in an orgasm. -unknown Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. -unknown Some people make mistakes, I initiate disasters -unknown Suicide is not a viable alternative. No matter what situation you have been placed in that is making you unhappy, it can be traced to an individual or group. This person or group must be destroyed. -unknown Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you. -unknown The definition of the Information Age is an explosion in the amount of information it's safe to ignore. -unknown The difference between America and Brittain is that the British think 100 miles is a long distance and Americans think 100 years is a long time. -unknown

The difference between the military and the Boy Scouts of America is the Boy Scouts are allowed to carry knives and they have adult leadership. -unknown The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. -unknown The F.B.I. is like a kitten. If you give them some milk, they'll come back. -unknown The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. -unknown The game is simple. You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that reads "I'm gay, and I've come to take your guns". First one to make it wins. -unknown The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. -unknown The good news about computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to do. The bad news about computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to do. -unknown The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: you can never be sure how many beers you had last night. -unknown The ideal situation is to have real computing power close at hand - right at home. Something that dims streetlights and shrinks the picture on the neighbors TV when you crank it up. -unknown The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. -unknown

The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. -unknown The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper. -unknown The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings of civilization. -unknown The superior pilot uses his superior judgement to avoid situations in which he has to demonstrate his superior skill. -unknown The three main weapons of choice are fear, surprise, and ruthless lawyers. -unknown There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. -unknown "They were such NICE young men," said 78 year old Mildred Matthews, walking her dog nearby. "They would pet my dog, and we'd talk about Art Bell, Deep Space Nine and the X Files. I think they just got tired of being repressed and kept down by The Man," said this great-grandmother when interviewed this morning. -unknown, "Linux Advocates Turn Violent, Go On Rampage" Things you don't hear on Star Trek: Uhura, I'm scared; Shut 'er down Scotty, she's suckin' mud!; Dammit Spock! That's the fifteenth nutterbutter you've eaten today! -unknown This is great! The routing is working the way it's supposed to for the first time in months! This is awesome! This is great! This means I can have a transitional phase while I switch to a new provider! -unknown This principle is so perfectly general that no particular application of it is possible. -unknown trisexual: men, women, and computers. -unknown

We don't care. We don't have to. We're engineers. -unknown We have tamed lightning, and now use it to make sand think. -unknown We're in New York! You can spew anywhere - no one will notice. -unknown We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare ... Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this isn't true. -unknown When I was in a band, kids would come up to me and be like "You're SO cool!" All I could think was "Uhm, I'm a DORK. I play Dungeons and Dragons and I LIKE it." -unknown When the conscious becomes unconscious, you're drunk. When the unconscious becomes conscious, you're stoned. -unknown When you are having a bad day, and it seems like everybody is trying to tick you off, that it takes 42 muscles to produce a frown, but only 4 muscles to work the trigger of a good sniper rifle. -unknown why be difficult, when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible -unknown With friends like you, who needs conspiratorial governments? -unknown You can classify any behavior using the scheme I call the "Four F's." These are: Feeding, Fleeing, Fighting, and Reproducing. -unknown You can't teach intelligence. -unknown

You will eventually get to a stage where you realize that all operating systems are gross ugly hacks. -unknown You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they're dead. -unknown You sometimes may get the feeling that I don't like you. This is not the case. I just don't care about you. If you think you disturb me, you're wrong. You just irritate me to no end, like an incessant gnat that's always around and won't go away. The point is, and if you think i'm speaking slowly, it's only because i want to be painfully clear on this part so there's no misunderstanding, you are one of the most pathetic, annoying, self impressed, petulant, boring, consistently stupid, and absolutely unimpressive and useless people i have ever met, and if you don't mind, would you please go away and leave me alone. -unknown You've gotta understand... this was research code. You need to have a certain level of disbelief while going through it. -unknown The most important question when any new computer architecture is introduced is 'So what?' -unknown comp.arch poster If you're listening to 90.9 FM, this is WETA in Washington. If you're listening to 89.3 FM, this is WETH in Hagerstown. If you're listening to any other station, your radio is off, and you're hallucinating. Snap out of it! -unknown DJ Not much happened this weekend; we bombed the hell out of Iraq again ... and we've got some free pizza to give away, so keep listening! -unknown DJ Thailand:... A place where there are a lot of prostitutes. -unknown English dictionary I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it. -unknown English Professor Diplomatic immunity is like virginity. Either you have it, or you don't. -unknown French diplomat

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -unknown Ohio University English Professor Suppose it's Monday and the ironworkers have been out drinking all weekend and the building is sort of leaning this way... you have to account for these small imperfections with your structural system. -unknown Materials & Assembly professor The number one reason people tell us they go online is that they want to have e-mail -which means a good chunk of those 1.2 million people have e-mail addresses -unknown phone company marketing spokesman The U.S. Constitution: void where prohibited by law. -unknown poster on alt.cyberpunk Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting. -unknown poster on alt.sex.fetish.fashion I don't deal with stress; I kill people. -unknown ROTC member during the "Stress" T-shirt sale God himself could not sink this ship. -unknown Titanic Deck Hand Hello, Bitter party, your table is ready. Bitter, party of one. -unknown TV sitcom One of the students actually sent me an email that said it point blank. He said, "The book sucks." I was like, what the hell? So I emailed back, "Well so does your girlfriend but you still take her out, don't you?" -unknown University of Maryland professor It was like being on acid and walking into Disneyland. -unknown www first-timer