Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy those

are, who
already possess it.

Happiness is not inherited, it's got to be earned.

It's better to go straight than move in the best circles.

The man who thinks he can't, is usually right.

Thoughts are your own, but words are not.

Nothing can bring peace but yourself.

Conscience is the little thing that tells you someone is sure to find out.

A man makes a step forward when he realises he has made a mistake.

All that stands between most men and the top of the ladder is the ladder.

It's not the clock that ticks loudest that goes best.

Dignity of manners always conveys a sense of reserve force.

When pleasure becomes a habit it ceases to be a pleasure.

The man who says he has no Call has probably left the Receiver off.

It is never so difficult to speak as when we are ashamed of our silence.

The best time to worry is tomorrow.

It's not work that kills, it is worry. Work is healthy, worry is the rust on the
blade.

Don't screen to-days sunshine with yesterdays clouds.

It's the man that works when there is nothing to do that gets in front.

The man who thinks he can't is usually right.

He is wise who says nothing when he has nothing to say.

Friends show me what I can do. Foes teach me what I should do.

Jumping to conclusions is about the only mental exercise that some people take.

A man can go a long way when he is weary - don't give up.

A wise man changes his mind sometimes, a fool never.

Only poverty is got without pains.

The shortest answer is doing the thing.

Argument thrives when facts are scarce.

The secret of success is constancy to purpose.

I have lived too long not to find it easier to love animals than to love man.

Children tell me on the highway what they hear at the fireside.

Show how strong you are by not noticing the weakness in others.

As proof that you have a true sense of humour, laugh at yourself occasionally.

Four-fifths of the perjury of the world is expended on tombstones.

There is nothing that needs to be said in an unkind manner.

The man who does big things is too busy to talk about them.

Contentment consists not in great wealth but in few wants.

Speech is the gift of nearly all, but the thought of few.

A mistake is not serious unless it is repeated.

He who knows others is clever, but he who knows himself is enlightened.

Happiness is a condition of the mind, not a result of circumstances.

We keep the faults of others before our eyes, our own behind our back.

Nothing great was ever achieve without enthusiasm.

Remember nature has given us two eyes, two ears but only one mouth.

Burdens can broaden your shoulders or break your back.

A poor man hasn't much to do with lawyers - but some of them have had.

Thoughts are your own. Your words are so no more.

Old age begins when a man dislikes improvements.

There is no ill luck in turning back if you are on the wrong road.

The only way to look pleasant is to feel pleasant.

Silence oft speaks the most cruel lies.

If a man makes himself a worm, then he must accept that way of life and not
complain when
trodden on.

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

Life is half spent before we know what it is.

The more one knows, the more one simplifies.

The best gift is a good example.

We are not judged by the position we are in, but by the way we fill it.

On the death of a child. Can you imagine heaven without children?

It is easier to offer objections than it is to get busy.

Beware of flattering yourself that you are shrewd when you are only suspicious.

If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself.

The way to get ahead - use the one you have.

Never put off till tomorrow the smile you can give today.

Watch your tongue. Remember it is in a wet place and likely to slip.

A man possessed with a serene mind is the happiest of all God's creation.

Knowledge is boundless - human capacity is limited.

The universe is a wise man's library.

Don't marry for money - it's far cheaper to borrow it.

If you want things done call a busy man - the man of leisure has no time.

It's what you learn yourself - not what others teach you - that really matters.

Cut your own wood and it will warm you twice.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they think
laughable.

There is nothing in this world worth doing a mean action for.

There is still plenty of room at the top, but the top is higher than it used to
be.

What more of us needs most is to need less.

Don't rest on your laurels - they make poor mattress.

If you wish to honour a person - do it while they are still alive.

Laws are like cobwebs. The small flies get caught, and the great break through.

The way to be safe is never to feel too secure.

The majority are stimulated by a little honest recognition.

The more you know the fewer your competitors.

Use your stumbling blocks as stepping stones.

If a man could have half his wishes he would double his troubles.

Love is the silent picture; and marriage the talking version.

The weaker the argument the stronger the words.

A cheerful loser is a winner.

Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.

Don't talk about yourself - that will be done when you leave.

Your looking glass will tell you more about yourself than your friends.

No man is poor who has himself to give.

Be a live wire and no one will step on you.

A Golden Wedding is when a couple have gone fifty-fifty.

Hard work is the yeast that raises the 'dough'.

If we could see ourselves as others see us we would probably change our views.

The person who wants their dreams to come true should wake up.

It is better to ask once than go wrong twice.

There is no knowledge that is not valuable.

If at first you don't succeed - ask yourself why.

Always laugh when you can, it's cheap medicine.

Facts not theories govern the world.

People who tell you that they bath and dress for dinner are evidently not used to
it.

We are not judged by the position we are in, but by the way we fill it.

When a good idea comes into your mind, don't give it a seat; put it to work.

Joy which we cannot share with others is only half enjoyed.

A dance never seem too long when you have the right partner.

It's the ability that a person uses, not the ability they possess, that regulates
the reward.

Best to bend it while still a twig.

The people who believe in themselves are often easily convinced.

The better the service given to customers, the less it costs to serve them.

Looking for new ways to do old jobs means progress.

Tolerance is the threshold of peace.

Loss of interest, not years, is old age.

It is what we learn after we think we know it all that counts.

History is philosophy teaching by example.

Be true to your teeth or they'll be false to you.

Delegate responsibility. The big mind must be kept for the big job.

Youth lives on hope; old age on memory.

The future is not a gift to any of us. It is the reward for what we do now.

It is not so important to know how we stand, as it is to know that we are moving.

You never feel the ache in the other man's tooth.

The good we do today becomes the happiness of to-morrow.

Watch your opportunities - not the clock.

Often a highly polished person is dreadfully dull.

Wonder is involuntary praise.

Concentrate, it saves time and money.

God gives every bird its food, but does not throw it into the nest.

The wise man makes hay with the grass that grows under the other fellow's feet.

Confidence is the secret of strength.

To be simple about anything you have to know a great deal about it.

It is madness to live like a wretch and die rich.

An optimist is one who learns to play the harp.

Something for nothing is like fish bait - generally a hook on it.

Contentment consists, not in great wealth, but in few wants.

A loving heart is the beginning of knowledge.

Be severe with nobody but yourself.

When there is a twinkle in the eye there is a spark of heaven in the heart.

If you can give your child only one gift let it be enthusiasm.

To ignore the danger is to deserve the disaster.

The secret of life is not to do what one likes, but to try and like what one has
to do.

It is better to be happy than rich, but there is no harm in being both.

I'd rather have one blossom now than a thousand when I'm dead.

A thought on the kerbstone is worth two in the hospital.

The day dawns only to those who are awake.

The qualities we possess never make us so ridiculous as those we pretend to have.

We should not be judged by the position we are in, but the way we fill it.

Joy which we cannot share with others is only half enjoyed.

The nice thing about apathy is you don't have to exert yourself to show that your
are sincere about it.

The incessant breathing of the waves.

Gulls like crumpled tissue-paper cast away on the heaving air.

Sunset kindling on the sea.

The greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.

From a Sussex parish magazine: "The weather was kind to us and the vicarage garden
was packed with young men and women bent on enjoying themselves. It was the
biggest open air fathering in the village for years."

G K Chesterton once said that it is often supposed that when people stopped
believing in God, they believe in nothing. Alas, it is worse than that. When they
stop believing in God they believe in anything.

A banker who swallowed a fish-bone was saved by an eminent surgeon from death by
suffocation.
The banker asked him what he expected as a fee. Replied the surgeon, "just give me
one third of what you were willing to pay when the fish-bone was still stuck in
your throat.

I asked the paediatrician when I should stop sterilizing my son's bottles. "Well,"
he said, "one
day you will find Matthew in your wardrobe busily gnawing on a pair of your
husband's shoes.
You will say to yourself, 'And I'm sterilizing his bottles?"' That is when you
will stop."

"How long have you been wearing bifocals?" "Since yesterday, I was baking some
biscuits I
lifted up the fly swatter and killed four chocolate chips."

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a
monastery, it's a pen
that scratches.

Some years ago when applying for a job, the foreman of the firm asked for a
reference. I gave
it to him, and he went into the manager's office. A few moments later they both
emerged smiling
broadly. "this is some reference indeed, with good recommendations," said the
manager. I got
the job but found that, instead of a reference, I had handed in a love letter from
my fiancee typed
on similar paper.

A little girl in Sunday school was asked to describe Jesus. "Jesus," she said, "is
like God but
with skin on".

There are three types of people: those who make things happen, those that watch
things happen
and those who say, "What happened?"

Denis and I almost missed our honeymoon flight and were unable to get seats
together. When
airborne, I wrote to my new spouse a flirtatious note: "To the man sitting in 16C.
I find you very
attractive. would you care for an unforgettable evening? The lady in 4C." A
stewardess delivered it.
A few minutes later she returned with a cocktail. The man in 16C was flattered,
she told me, but
said he must decline my offer as he was on his honeymoon. I was still laughing
when we landed.
"Thank you for the drink," I said to my groom. "I didn't send you one," he
replied. He had been
sitting in number 14C. Cindy Braun.

The little boy was heard by his teacher using a most unsuitable word. "Jeffrey,"
she said, "you
should not use that word. Where did you hear it?" " My daddy said it." "Well that
does not
matter," the teacher explained. "You do not even know what it means." "I do, I do"
Jeffrey
corrected. "it means that the car won't start."
- James Dent in Charleston Gazette.

Missionary in Africa wrote to Church offices in Britain to say that the African
members could
not understand what was meant by the "Lamb of God". A good lady in the Church
offices knitted
a lamb in white wool and sent it out to Africa - no one ever heard what was the
reaction - we can
only guess.

It often needs an open mind to keep one's mouth shut.

Write it down. The worst ink survives the best memory.

Only a mint can make money without advertising.

Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

Having full length mirrors in a small flat is like having a guest who never
leaves.

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.

Some parents have difficulty in deciding on a name for a new baby, but others have
rich
relatives.

The quickest way to make a red light turn green is to try to find something in the
glove
compartment.

Age is in the mind, not in the calendar.

You should take time to smell the flowers.

It is a wise man that has his afterthoughts first.

Greatness does not depend on size.

The Queen Mother once philosophized: "Memories are everyone's second chance at
happiness."

It's what you learn yourself - not what other's teach you - that really matters.

Never let a fool kiss you, and never let a kiss fool you.

No one ever became thoroughly bad all at once.

The wise man changes his mind sometimes, the fool never.

In motoring arguments there are three points of view - your own, the other parties
and the
right one.

The longer you live, the more you will realise that forgivness, consideration, and
kindness are
three of the great secrets of life.

Want of care does more damage than want of knowledge.

When the devil wants to win recruits he never wastes time among busy people.

Some so-called open minds should be closed for repairs

A man's religion should be the happiest thing in his life

Worry is not a neccessity, but a habit

An agreeable companion upon the road is better than a carriage

A wise man never blows his own knows

Mirth cannot move a soul in agony

It is from books wise men derive consolation in the troubles of life

Keep your face in the sunshine and the shadow will fall behind you

By the faults of others, wise men correct their own

Adversity makes a man wise - not rich

The face is no index to the heart

Better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool, than open it and remove any
doubt

Fear is a great inventor

A country without laughter is like a year without Spring

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive Walter Scott

Haste is the mother of imperfection

Health is not valued until sickness comes

"What kind of man deserves the most pity?" - Benjamin Franklin replied "A lonely
man on a
rainy day who does not know how to read".

An ounce of "don't-say-it" is worth a pound of "didn't-mean-it"

Photocopiers make rapid reproductions of human errors

Nothing is impossible until it is sent to a committee

The first 90% of a job takes 10% of the time - the remaining 10% takes 90%

If you can learn from another person's mistake, you were probably the victim

If you don't make mistakes - you don't make anything

Every dew-drop and rain drop has a whole heaven within it

Remember the tide turns at low water, as well as high

Whispering is rude when your friends are near you - beside you risk being
overheard

He was a bold man that eat that ate the first oyster

A man owes it to himself to become a success, then he owes it to the inland

revenue

Come not to counsel uncalled.

Learning is a treasure which accompanies its owner everywhere (Chinese Proverb)

Look before you leap if you like, but if you really mean to leap, don't look too
long.

Ideas are very much like children - your own are wonderful.

We cannot, indeed give like God, but surely we may forgive like Him (Sterne)

To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting

No man can guess in cold blood what he may do in a passion

Footprints on the sands of time are not made sitting down

It's the tools a man uses, not the tools he may possess, that makes his profit

A mans honesty is proportional to his price.

Many a man's honesty is due to the fact that his price is too high.

Those that forget history are condemned to relive it. George Santayana

From City of London Police reprints

The man was employed by the electricity board when the offence came to light.
The upholsterer was unable to furnish details
The woman was pregnant and carrying a pup
The watchmaker was dismissed for poor timekeeping
The man stole a box of matches and other light articles

Travellers tales
We're on holiday, for goodness sake!
I thought you said you could get by in Spanish
I don't know what was wrong with the first bar we saw
So much for your famous sense of direction
Of course we don't have to book

May your joys be as sweet as the peat reek, and your sorrows as scarce as white
heather.

May your troubles be as many as teeth in a hen.

There is no friendship, no love, like that of a parent for the child

What gift has Providence bestowed on humanity that is so dear as the children

Where children are, there is the golden age

Children are like jewels dropped unstained from heaven

Have a heart that never hardens,

and a temper that never tires,
and a touch that never hurts.

Some people will always live until they die, but at 60 you should be dying to live

At 60 I am not interested in adding years to my life, but in adding life to my

years

Stastistics are no substitute for Judgement

Life is a sexually transmitted desease, ultimately fatal

95% of being smart is knowing the subjects at which you are dumb

Difference between a diplomat and a lady:

When a diplomat says yes he means perhaps.
When he says perhaps, he means no.
When he says no, he is not a diplomat.

When a lady says no, she means perhaps.

When she says perhaps she means yes.
When she says yes, she is no lady.

Lord Denning

Forget your hurry, pause awhile,

Lose your frown and wear a smile,
Spare time to give a word of praise.
Think in minuites, not in days.
Do it now for time won't wait -
Tomorrow it may be too late.

Failure is never fatal and success is never final

Lawyer's duty: to protect you from others of their kind

Evolution is God's Spring

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive Walter Scott

Photocopiers make rapid reproductions of human errors

Nothing is impossible until it is sent to a government department

When a person thinks their mind is getting broader, it is often just their mind
stretching

Each of us comes into life with fists closed, set for aggressiveness and
aquisition. But when we
abandon life our hands are open: there is nothing on earth that we need, nothing
the soul can
take with it.
Bishop Fulton Sheen

When we are born our hands are clenched to grasp the things we need in life, but
when we die
our hands are open as there is nothing that we can take with us.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch you words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Frank Outlaw, writer

T S Elliot - the Four Quartets

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past

Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Anonymous

Optimists are wrong just as often as pessimists, but they enjoy life.

The following prayer is from a tiny booklet, Jesus, my Shepherd, subtitled a Book
of Catholic
Prayers for Seniors. It could empathise, since Multiple Sclerosis seems to share
many of these complaints.
A litany of Gentle Complaint.
Lord, a few things on my mind today, as I sit and rest for a while.
I think you won't mind listening, for you made me this way and you already know me
through
and through.
Lord, it's my eyes: their tired. I can't see too well, it's hard to read the paper
or watch TV, and
I just can't find the right glasses when I need them.
Lord, it's my ears: nobody speaks loud enough, music is always too strong. I can't
hear the
priest at Mass, but I do like the quiet home:
Christ, have mercy.
Lord: my knees and legs: they won't do what I tell them, they fall asleep too
fast, and those
steps are just too steep:
Lord, have mercy.
Lord, food: it just don't taste the same, it gets harder to shop and cook, and I
can't eat what
I want to anyway:
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, the pains and aches: there are new ones every day, at times I am embarrassed
before
other people, and then I worry about having something serious happen:
Lord, have mercy.
Lord. there are too many pills: I can't seem to keep them straight or take them at
the right
time, and sometimes I worry I may take too many or too few:
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, I'm lonely: the phone never rings, I haven't had visitors in ages, and when
they do come
I'm not much of a host:
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, sleep: can't rest all night, and then I nod off during the day, it makes me
impatient and
irritable, and my memory has gone to the dogs:
Lord, have mercy.
Lord, you sure do have a sense of humour, you've made for Yourself. Bear with me
as I try to
figure out how best to give myself to You these days.
Lord, hear us. Christ, graciously hear us.
Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me.

John Keats
The automobile changed our dress, manners, social customs, vacation habits, shape
of our cities, consumer purchasing patterns, common tastes and positions in
intercourse.

If Detroit is right.... there is little wrong with American cars that is not wrong
with the American
public.

The automobile did not put the adventure of travel within reach of the common man.
Instead, it
first gave him the opportunity to make himself more and more common.

Marshall McLuhan
The car has become the carspace, the protective and aggressive shell, of urban and
suburban man.

The new electronic interdependance re-creates the world in the image of a global
village. (The
Gutenberg Galaxy).

The principal aspect of the electric age is, that it establishes a global network,
that has much of
the character of our central nervous system.

Lord Birket
I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I
strongly object when they start shaking them to make sure they are still going.

The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living (Cicero BC 106 - 43)

A man's dying is more the survivor's affair than his own (Thomas Mann 1875 - 1955)

This day, which thou fearest as thy last, is the birthday of eternity (Seneca BC 3
- AD65)

The Gods conceal from men the happiness of death, that they may endure life (Lucan
39 - 65 AD)

Oh how small a portion of earth will hold us when we are dead, who ambitiously
seek after the
whole world when we are living. (Phillip II BD 382 - 336)

There is no such thing as death

In nature nothing dies
From each sad remnant of decay
Some forms of life arise.
(Charles Mackay 1814 - 1889)

I died a mineral, and became a plant.

I died a plant and rose an animal.
I died an animal and I was man.
Why should I fear ?
When was I less by dying ?
(Jalal-Uddin Rumi 1207 - 1273)

FAVOURITE QUOTES

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always
ineffectiveness.

Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the
ignorance of
which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely
commits oneself,
then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A
whole stream
of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of
unforeseen incidents and
meetings and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would have come
their way.

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

from "Notes on the Scottish Himalayan Expedition" by William H. Murray. The last
three
sentences beginning with "Whatever you can do..." is a quote from Goethe.

There is no end to what can be accomplished if you don't care who gets the credit.
-Art Rennison.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the
world; indeed it is the only thing that ever has.
- Margaret Mead

Think globally; act locally

- anonymous

Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence.

- Roedy

All great programmers are paranoid

- Roedy

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
- Gandhi

We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
- John Culkin

When elephants fight it is the grass that suffers.

- Kikuyu Proverb

Make something beautiful for God

- Mother Theresa

Face your fears

- Barbara Green

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

- The Golden Rule

Be the planetary citizen you want everyone else to be.

- Roedy

Imitation is the sincerest flattery

- Gandhi

Love your enemies. Do good to them that persecute you.

- Jesus

I open myself genuinely to all people by being willing to fully communicate my

deepest feelings
since hiding in any degree keeps me stuck in my illusion of separateness from
other people:
- The Seventh Pathway from Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes
I am discovering how my consciousness-dominating addictions create my illusory
version of the
changing world of people and situations around me.
- The Second Pathway from Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes

I am perceiving everyone, includirng myself as an awakening being who is here to

claim his or
her birthright to the higher consciousness planes of unconditional love and
oneness.
- The Twelfth Pathway from Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes

You are the people. You are this season's people -- There are no other people this
season. If you blow it, it's blown.
- Stephen Gaskin

Enlightenment is getting off your tail and doing something.

- Stephen Gaskin

SOLIDARITY

I bought a crab and set him free in the ocean.

DISAPPOINTMENT

I pointed at the bun I wanted most in the whole store.

The saleslady gave me something else with the same name.

LUNCH DATE

I went to buy a crab today to set her free in the ocean.

There were no she crabs for sale.

PRIMES

Today, I bought another crab and set him free in the ocean.

(for Dr. Melzak my math professor who survived the Nazi concentration camps with
by entertaining
with his feats of mental arithmetic.)

ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW

We listened with a herd of elk.

BECKY

I talked. She understood.

RABBIT GOD

Street people bring offerings of carrot and apple to the blue rabbit.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

A spider mysteriously appeared in my bathtub.

She chose my aloe plant for her new home.
FOR MANNY

A woman sewed a rainbow into my coat.

One should strive not to lie in the negative sense by remaining silent.
- Leo Tolstoy

With great power comes great responsibility, Quoted by Jack Passarella in an Ilink
conference
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well
enough about ME! How are you?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for �1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry

370HSSV 0773H

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now

searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god

harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -

Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get
lost!

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me
til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong
button you'll be disconnected!

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where
you gonna hide ME?

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your
phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* -
pls take sign down next time ok!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went
after him.
Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....sh*t...I
got wrong number...SORRY :)

I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I
need sex, I need YOU!

On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our
children.

Nope.....u still ugly!

Text Message Jokes

Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom
gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure
science will come up with somin to help u.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice
Ass.

How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her,
protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and
prove it.

Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

Posters

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Text Messaging Jokes

You are here: X

Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me
goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you
can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok
u 2, don't start anything.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry,
The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'

Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"

Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!

I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and

for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to
..WOOPS...wrong number....

U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can
multiply!

Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Ringtones
One Liners Jokes
Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application
of high explosives.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Funny one liners

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

Mind intentionally left blank...

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten
this before.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife.

And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

Born Free........Taxed to Death.

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still
searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry
unable to find brain...leaving now...

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.