Starting a Healthy Group

Sue Geiman OK, let's take a test. Go ahead. Close your eyes and think of the WORST small group experience you've ever had. Rightthat one. It didn't take long to go there, did it? You probably joined a small group looking forward to meeting new friends, learning more about the Bible, figuring out how to make this Christian life thing work, or maybe just wanting to enjoy some great desserts at least once a week! And then it happenedthe most embarrassing, stressful, intimidating, uncomfortable, or maybe even hurtful experience you could imagine. Maybe no one talked with you. Maybe you were put on the spot by a question you couldnt or didn't want to answer. Maybe you were the only guy out of 12 people who showed up. Whatever it was, you knew one thing for sure: You were NEVER going back to that group again. As a small-group leader, this might be one of your worst nightmares too. How do you turn a group of strangers into friends? What can you do to make smallgroup time comfortable and enjoyable for everyone? How can you avoid dysfunctional conversations and relationships? How can you create a setting where people grow in friendships with each other, but even moreso, with God? If I had a silver bullet, I'd give it to you. But I don't. I have, however, tried some things that have helped people in our group develop deeper relationships and also have resulted in some great small-group experiences. Here are some ways to get you started in making your small group a healthy one: 1. Be intentional about turning relationships into friendships. Heres a couple ideas that have worked in groups I've been part of in the past:

Coffee Questions. Make your dessert time count by having pairs or trios discuss one or two "icebreaker" questions that will help members get better acquainted. Here are some that worked in our group: * Tell about a favorite summer activity when you were in elementary school. * Describe a favorite Christmas gift you received as a child. * Describe a favorite gift you have given someone else. * If you could take a dream vacation, where would you go and what would you do?

Why? * What did you want to be when you grew up? Why did that change to what you do now? * What is one of your favorite jobs you've done as an adult? * What was your first job and how did you like it? Stay Connected During the Week. Have your group members make plans to get together with each other between meetings. In our group last year Gerri and I had lunch. Dale and Ron went hunting together. Tyler and John went for a motorcycle ride. Everyone was invited to an open house to celebrate a son's college graduation. Several couples enjoyed a Super Bowl potluck together. The possibilities for connecting are limitless! 2. Be a clock-watcher. (Well, at least respect everyone's time.) Start on time. Stop on time. Always. No exceptions. In one of our groups we discovered an unofficial "timekeeper." An engineer by trade, it was natural for him to check his watch and gently remind us to finish our dessert and start our study, or to help make the transition from study to prayer time. The group valued his gift and jokingly noted how much we missed his contribution when he happened to be absent. 3. Pray together about real-life stuff. * Prime the pump. It's OK to mention general prayer requests at first, but don't let your group stay at the surface level. After a few meetings you or another group member can take your prayer life to the next level, by asking for prayer about specific issues like handling layoffs at work, dealing with a teenager who is making poor choices, or taking care of the medical challenges of an elderly parent. I remember one time when our group was about to break up and head for home, one couple hesitantly said, "Hey, we're having problems in our marriage and we really need your prayers." We took time to listen, then gathered around the two of them and prayed that God would strengthen their love and their relationship. Over time, we've seen God answer those prayers! * Dont get into the "throw-away prayers" routine. Each time you meet, be sure to check in on the things you prayed about last time. Simply asking how we can pray about _____ this week is an easy way to say, "I remember your situation and I care." * Connect your group with prayer during the week. You can encourage inbetween connections by asking people to pray for and with each other in between meetings. Let them figure out the best way to connect, but don't forget to ask for stories about what happened during the week. 4. Avoid "pat answers" at all costs. Life is too hard to hand out simplistic

advice. Model for your group how to be a good listener. Be honest. Speak from personal experience. Admit your own struggles. But whatever you do, avoid those easy "pat" answers. "I dont know" is sometimes the perfect answerespecially when you follow it up with "but Im here for you." Healthy people have energy. They enjoy life. Theyre growing and learning. Healthy groups should be just like that. With God's help and your efforts, you can bring the blessing of good health to your small group.

8 Dos and Don'ts for Your First Meeting

Matt Lockhart The launch of your small group is an exciting event. You're taking a diverse group of individuals and forming them into a community. The people come from different backgrounds and families, have different likes and dislikes, span a range of ages, and possess different spiritual maturities. Some will be skeptical, some shy. Chances are, someone will be a bit overbearing. Your goal is to create an atmosphere that allows people to blend comfortably and not feel threatened. You want to give hope for the future. With all of that in mind, consider a few ground rules for how you'll lead the group's first meeting. 1. Don't begin with preconceived expectations.It takes time for people to trust you and each other. So while you want to do the best job you can to lead and facilitate, avoid setting unrealistic expectations. Take what you get and build from there. 2. Don't allow people to feel pressured.Give people the freedom to participate as they feel comfortable. Be careful not to put someone on the spot. 3. Don't ask people to read aloud until you know they are comfortable doing so.Keep in mind that some people have reading disabilities. The last thing you want to do is embarrass someone. 4. Don't assume everyone will want to pray aloud.Encourage individuals to pray if they want to, and then you can close. For many people it takes time before they feel comfortable praying in front of others. 5. Don't ask people to give spontaneous "testimonies."In addition to some

people being shy, others in your group may not be Christians or know what a testimony is! (In fact, it's best to avoid using church lingo.) 6. Do ask people to let you know if they feel uncomfortable praying or reading aloud.It will be such a relief for people to be able to let you know that they don't like to read or pray in public. You can also let them know they can change their minds if they begin to feel more comfortable with other group members. 7. Do ask people ahead of time if they're willing to share their faith stories.By lining up people ahead of time, you'll get a good sense of who feels comfortable sharing and who doesn't. This also gives people time to prepare what they want to sayand lessens the chance they'll ramble on and on. 8. Do ask for volunteers to read Scripture.Simply asking, "Would someone like to read verses 28 and 29?" gives people a chance to read aloud if they want to. If no one volunteers after a few seconds, say "OK, I'll go ahead and read that passage."

First StepsWays to Get Your Group Going

Matt Lockhart Congratulations! Youve done something very admirableyouve made a wonderful commitment to serve God by leading a small group. Of course, you cant minister to empty chairs. The good news is that there are people who would love to learn about your small group and fill those chairs. So how do you let people know that theres a seat saved for each of them? And what do you do once you get people in those seats?

Six Questions to Help You Promote Your Group Answering the following questions about your group can help you do a bangup job of promoting your small group. 1. Whos your audience? The first key to effective communication is having a good picture of who your audience is. Who do you want to let know your group exists? Is your small

group for couples, men only, women only, individuals of a certain age? Is your group service-oriented, or focused on issues? Perhaps your group is for seekers or new Christians, for people of all ages and stages, or for people who are mature in their faith. Looking at what kind of people your group is for will help you determine who your audience is. Once you have a clear idea of the people youd like to invite to your group, youre off to a good start for publicizing this opportunity. 2. What do you want them to do? Next, think through what youd like the people who learn of the opportunity to do. Certainly, you want them to investigate the possibility that this is an opportunity (among many) thats right for them. You want them to attend your small group, give it a go, and see if its what theyre looking for. In light of this, whenever and wherever you have an opportunity to promote your group, make sure you reflect, as applicable, the following considerations: Were open to new members. You can drop in anytime; youre always welcome. If you sense the Lord leading you to become a member of our group, wonderful! Know that we wont pressure you into signing on the dotted line. This might not merely be a group that God uses to work in you, but, because of how God has uniquely designed and gifted the body of Christ, it will most certainly be a group that God uses to work through you in the lives of others in the group as well. The 5 Ws and Hthat is, anticipate the prospective participants questions by thinking through the who, what, when, where, why, and how of your small group. 3. Why should they join your group? Your promotional efforts will strike the bulls-eye of your target audience when you plan your promotion with the particular audience in mind and go to where theyre located. In addition, potential group members will consider taking advantage of the opportunity when they hear that your group is addressing needs that hit home for them. As people attempt to balance competing time demands, they often ask,

Whats in it for me? For example, some people have a desire to pray with others. What place will prayer have in your group? Are you planning to regularly set aside time to pray every meeting? Will the group sometimes spend the entire meeting in prayer? Others want extended times of praise and worship singing. Is your group going to have a concentrated time of praise and worship singing? And still others are primarily looking for ways to grow deep in the Lord, to focus on the meat rather than the milk of Gods Word. Is your group going to focus on in-depth Bible study, or is it a group designed to help people get to know each other or to introduce people to basic Christian principles? Be clear in your promotion what your group is, and by so doing youll also reflect what it is not. Prospective members will consider getting involved in your group when they hear your first-person story of how God has used the group in your life, or when they hear the stories of others (especially if they know you and/or the other members of your group and have seen the effects of the group with their own eyes!). Its still true: The best form of advertising is word of mouth. Finally, most people will consider trying out your group when they know that theyre welcome, that they can take it for a test-drive, and that attending one meeting doesnt constitute being an official member of the group just yet! 4. Where and how should you promote your group? Of course, its natural that youll promote your group in your church, and a variety of ways exist to do this. Again, the most effective form of promotion is word of mouth. Make people you know aware of your small group. Tell others you meet at church. Encourage group members to tell people in their relational network. Let your pastoral staff know about your group and see if you can make an announcement from the pulpitwhether for small groups in general or your group in particular. How else can you let prospective group members in your church know about your small group? Consider these communication opportunities: Brochure/listing of all small groups in the church Periodic small group open house meetings Creating and staffing a small group table in the church foyer

 Web site article Bulletin insert or announcement Strategically distributed fliers Print or electronic church newsletter Beyond your church walls, you may want to promote your small group in the greater community where you live. Maybe you have a small group that simply meets regularly to read the Bible together. Such a group is ideal for nonChristians or nominal believers in your neighborhood, but they dont know that it exists until you tell them. Some of your neighbors might love to know that youre reading the Bible and talking about whatever comes to mind in response to what youre readingperhaps theyve always wanted to read the Bible, but when they tried on their own, they simply didnt understand what they were reading. So how do you get word out in your community? Go door to door. Create a flier and put it in a centrally located place (a community meeting room, a neighborhood mailbox, and so forth). Develop relationships with your neighbors (host a neighborhood Christmas party, or have neighbors in for dinner, dessert, and/or a movie), and let them know in the natural course of conversation that youre hosting a group. If theyre interested, they can give it a try just once or twice without committing long-term. 5. What should we do if someone expresses an interest in joining the group? Make it a priority to follow up with each person who expresses an interest in and/or attends your group. You can do this in person, by phone, or via e-mail. On behalf of the others in your group, let individuals who have participated in the group know Were glad you came. Were glad to answer any questions you may have. No pressure, but wed like to have you visit again. If for any reason youre thinking this isnt the group for you, thats OK too! If you can briefly describe what it is youre looking for, perhaps we can connect you with another small group that may be a better fit. 6. Are you praying?

As you promote your group in your church and community, keep in mind the love that led Jesus to weep as he overlooked Jerusalem (Luke 19:41). There are helpless, hopeless, and hurting people in your church and community who need to hear about Jesus and the needs youre helping meet in your small group. Pray that Jesus heart is yours, and that this is reflected not only in how you serve as a small group leader but in every aspect of your promotional efforts as well. Pray that God will connect people in need with the opportunity that exists in your group. Finally, dont think of promotion as a one-time event. As long as you have room to growand this should always be the case for small groups, with the goal of birthing a new group when yours becomes too largeconsider promotion an ongoing process.

What a Small Group Is

Dean Ridings Jesus maintained different levels of relationships in his earthly ministry. Like the pastor of one of today's mega-churches, he preached to thousands at a time. Yet, like a small-group leader, he had a "fellowship circle" in the Twelve; young men he knew and who knew him well. He had an even more intimate small group of just a few, as he would often pull away with Peter, James, and John. Jesus is our example for life and ministry, and there's no better model of a small-group leader than Jesus himself. What a Small Group Is A small group could be as few as two people in a one-on-one relationship or as many as a baker's dozen. Generally speaking, most small groups are made up of six to 12 people who meet together regularly, usually weekly. Together, small-group members take a look at God's Word and apply it to their lives. What's more, they're committed to one anotherexhorting, encouraging, and praying for each other. In fact, among the small-group leader's key responsibilities is ensuring that the small-group setting is one where the "one another/each other" verses of the Bible can be lived out. For example: Be devoted to and honor one another (Romans 12:10). Instruct one another (Romans 15:14). Encourage and build up one another (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

 Carry each other's burdens (Galatians 6:2). Confess sins to and pray for each other (James 5:16). There are several ways to pull together a small group. It could be based on where people live, when and how often they want to meet, what they want to study, or the stage of life that they're in. Groups might focus on reaching out to unchurched people who are seeking something spiritual, support groups for hurting people, groups that focus on service to others, and groups committed to growing deeper spiritually. Because of these various purposes, some small groups will be open to new members, while others will be closed. It's up to the leader and his or her small group to decide. Qualifications of Small-Group Leaders Small groups are sometimes referred to as TLC groups. This can stand for Tender-Loving-Care or Tiny-Little-Church groups. In many respects, a small group is like a tiny, little church, and the small-group leader is like a pastor. So, Bible passages that speak of the characteristics of overseers also apply to small-group leaders. The apostle Paul explained to his young protg Timothy that those who set their hearts on being overseers are characterized as desiring a noble task, and are expected to be above reproach, married to one person, temperate, selfcontrolled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not money-lovers, able to manage family well, not new Christians, and possessing a good reputation with outsiders (1 Timothy 3:1-7; also see Titus 1:5-9). The spiritual gifts of small-group leaders tend to include shepherding, teaching, leadership, exhortation, and wisdom. Small-group leaders are concerned about the spiritual welfare of group members and guide them toward greater godliness. Are you personally prepared to lead? How's your walk with God? No, it doesn't have to be perfect, but it should be up to date. Does Christ live in you? Is he giving you victory? Do you sense that God is leading you to serve him as a small-group leader? These are some of the questions you'll want to ask and answer. On the Behind-the-Scenes Team Someone has said that a person without a small group is an accident waiting to happen. The same could be said about a small-group leader without a support team. Solomon said that two are better than one, and a "cord of three strands is not quickly broken" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Your "cord of three strands" might include:

An apprentice-leaderSomeone you're bringing along with the goal that he or she will one day carry the baton of this or a new small group. A small-group hostA person who sets an atmosphere of warmth and welcome, that encourages openness and trust. A small-group coachA champion who'll pray for you, encourage and exhort you, and help you keep your head in the game. If possible, consider a fourth member of your "cord of strands"; someone to take care of the kids or coordinate childcare, if applicable. Where to Start Start with your own heart. Again, talk with God and make sure you're up to date with him. Don't try to refresh others from a dry well. Praynot only for yourself, but for each person in your group. Once your group starts to meet, what you'll study together will depend in large part on the needs of those in your group. Where are they in their faith? Is there a book study or series that can help meet their needs? Consider what's going on in your churchwould a particular study accent your pastor's preaching? What holidays are coming up that you might key off of? Ask God to lead you through each lesson. He knows who's going to be there and what each person needs. As you prepare to lead the study, yield to the Holy Spirit's guidance as you study God's Word first, and then supplement your preparation with resources such as a Bible commentary or dictionary. When formulating questions for your group's discussion, ease the group into the lessons with a question or two to whet their appetites and get them to open up. For example, if you're going to take a look at the feeding of the 5,000, you might ask: "What's the hungriest you've ever been?" In each lesson, regardless of the particular passage of Scripture you're studying, guide your group through three critical questions: What does it say? What does it mean? What does it mean to me?

Avoid questions with "yes" or "no" answers. Get people talking, mulling over

the Bible, and moving toward personal application. Keep in mind three big-picture goals. Bring them in. Be a safe place for people God leads to the group. Build them up. Intentionally nurture all the members of your group. Send them out. Commit yourself to helping members of your small group find meaningful ministry.

Essential Group Dynamics As you guide your small group through each lesson, make it a conversation. Give others plenty of opportunity to speak. While the small group is like a Tiny Little Church, your role isn't to be a preacher. The people in your small group want a chance to practice the challenge the apostle Paul gave early Christians: "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:12-13). Think of facilitating a conversation like bouncing a basketball. Bounce it a few times, then toss it to someone else. Let that person dribble it for a bit, and then toss it to another person. Encourage all to have a turn. Say thanks when they share. At times there may be silence; resist the temptation to fill it! Then, when you sense it's time, go ahead and start bouncing the ball of the next question. Don't feel you have to be the "Bible answer person." For the sake of keeping the conversation moving, you may offer a relevant answer. At other times, you may wish to bounce it back to the group, "What do you guys think about this?" Be careful you're not teaching tradition or biases. Compare Scripture with Scripture to get the fullest, most accurate meaning from a verse or passage. Throughout, be sensitive to the Spirit's leading. Be flexible. That said, as a small-group leader, lead. Among those you might find in your group are Mr. Talk-A-Lot or Miss Know-It-All. If you're not careful, you might find that one of them hijacks the lesson and flies it to places unknown. Again, lead toward application. Don't merely give information. Don't stop at inspiration. Go all the way to motivation. Ask, "In light of this lesson, what do you think God is trying to teach you?" And don't be surprised if you learn

more than the group. You'll learn in the preparation stage, and you'll learn through what God is saying through the group as you work through the study together. Pray for One Another When your group meets, agree that the lesson isn't over until you've prayed together. Lead your group through a time of prayer every time you gather. Sometimes, you might devote the entire small-group time to just talking about needs and praying for each other. People need to talk about what's going ontheir hopes and fears, the best and worst moments of the week. Make sure each member of the group has a chance to share concerns and requests. Write down their prayer requests. Keep a record of how God answers. Occasionally, review together how God is answering the group's prayers. As you do, be encouraged that God is working in and through you as a smallgroup leader.

Building (or Rebuilding) a Healthy small-group ministry

Seven questions that will lead to effective small groups. John 15:1-17; Acts 2:42 1. What is the vision for small groups at our church? This question is fundamental. Answering it requires asking two more questions. First, what is our overall vision for what small groups can and will do in our church? (And, What is our biblical basis?) Second, what kinds of people in our church can and must be reached by the small group ministry? 2. What kinds of groups will we utilize? 3. How will we "fill" these groups with people? People will go to the kind of group that best meets (and continues to meet) their needs. Consider how to recruit the people whose needs these groups will meet. 4. Who will lead these groups? Will we have a program of "apprenticing," where leaders-in-training get hands-on training? How will we discover and begin nurturing leaders? 5. How will we insure the growth of this ministry? What goals do we have for six months? How will we deal with a group once it has 12 members (or, how can we help groups to effect positive group splits)? How will we continue to recruit members and leaders for this ministry?

6. What kind of accountability will we require of leaders? What kind of ongoing training will we provide our leaders? What kinds of reporting will we require, and how often? What about periodic meetings? Who will oversee the ministry in general? 7. How can we communicate our unique ministry desires with potential leaders and members? Many churches with dynamic small group ministries will sit down with their answers to the above questions and "codify" them into a small group manual or a philosophy statement.
Adapted from The Big Book on Small Groups. 2004 by Jeffrey Arnold. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press, P.O. Box 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515-1426. www.ivpress.com

Discuss 1. Which of the above questions have we answered? Which do we still need to answeror to revisit? 2. Which is the most important question for our church right now? 3. How would you suggest we work on that question? Pray Commit to follow Jesus' command in John 15:12, and thank Jesus that he has made us his friends (v. 14).