FAULTY GEARS By KEREN BALA DEVAN

0411085691 keren.sfs@gmail.com

INT. OFFICE SUPERIMPOSE: "3.26 PM" JACK BRODY, ASST. DEPUTY OF PARLIAMENTARY COUNSEL, pours himself a drink and is about the mark the end of the day on his calendar. Suddenly, ROBERT PANICKI, ASST. DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF bursts in the door. ROBERT PANICKI Jack, you need to see this.

INT. OFFICE BREAK ROOM A television shows news anchor MELANIE HUBERT is delivering a breaking news story. MELANIE HUBERT ...claim that the premier of New South Wales, Henry Dillon will be proposing a new Immigration reform legislation tomorrow morning at a press conference. Staff members all stop what they were doing and gather around. MELANIE HUBERT This controversial move comes at a time where the Premier needs a big win in parliament, following numerous scandals in this administration... Jack watches on nervously. Behind him, chaos ensues as members of staff within the premiers department begin to freak out and scramble. Eyes still on the TV, he speaks to Robert. JACK BRODY Bob, get everybody working on this. Nobodys going home tonight. ROBERT PANICKI (Shouting) OH MY GOD! OK everyone, I want any information anyone can get on this in the next 10 minutes! Steve! Perry! Call up everybody, see whats going on! Robert turns to look at Jack.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ROBERT PANICKI Were screwed arent we? JACK BRODY Probably. 3 INT. OFFICE FLOOR SUPERIMPOSE: "4.15 PM"

2.

Jack and Robert are sitting at the same desk while all the others are busy working around them. JACK BRODY So WHY cant we reach the Premier? ROBERT PANICKI Well, according to his office he is either out of the state... Or gone hunting... Or at a retreat... OrJACK BRODY Good lord... ROBERT PANICKI But he will be here for the press conference in the morning. JACK BRODY Oh well, good for him then, in the meantime were all fuSARAH TOWNSEND, ASST. DEPUTY OF GOVERNMENT COORDINATION, joins them at the table. Jack tries to hold her hand. SARAH TOWNSEND Stop it, Jack. JACK BRODY Sorry. SARAH TOWNSEND Someone leaked this whole legislation thing to the press. JACK BRODY Did we leak it, or was it the opposition? SARAH TOWNSEND Neither, by the looks of it. This was an old fashioned governmental fuck-up. (CONTINUED)

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3.

ROBERT PANICKI An ACTUAL, UNPLANNED leak? Does that even happen any more? JACK BRODY So..this is the Premiers play for coming elections. SARAH TOWNSEND Ah, because its a federal issue, not state... JACK BRODY The best thing right now is for us to take care of it ourselves. ROBERT PANICKI Ourselves? Why? JACK BRODY So we all get to go Canberra next year. ROBERT PANICKI We havent the faintest idea what the premier wants! JACK BRODY Doesnt matter, as long as it gets him the votes. SARAH TOWNSEND And as long as it looks good for our party. JACK BRODY So babe...uh, Sarah...anything else we need to know before we get this started? SARAH TOWNSEND Other than the fact that we dont know who might have leaked it, which department it might have came from, WHAT this act is about at all, AND where the premier is? JACK BRODY Yeah. SARAH TOWNSEND Nope. Thats pretty much it.

(CONTINUED)

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4.

JACK BRODY Our tax dollars at work. OK, lets get this train wreck started. 4 INT. MEDIA ROOM SUPERIMPOSE: "5.17 PM" Jack, Robert and Sarah meet with ANGIE TURNER, the DEPARTMENT MEDIA STRATEGY ADVISOR. In the same room are other members of the media department. There are various charts and visual aids on he walls. ANGIE TURNER ... so as you can plainly see, we have to trick the public into believing this proposal is a good thing. ROBERT PANICKI(WHISPERING) I cant see it plainly at all... JACK BRODY Angie, first of all this is quite possibly several different kinds of unethical. Secondly, how does this help us, exactly? ANGIE TURNER The public are simple folk. Easily distracted and have attention spans shorter than a houseflys. SARAH TOWNSEND Oh, come on Angie thats not fairANGIE TURNER Shut it, you! Now,we need to use big words with three syllables or more. Bright colours and textures. Maybe an animal or something for a mascot. ROBERT PANICKI(WHISPERING) Ive always liked mongooses... JACK BRODY Angie! How does this help us with the PROPOSAL?

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5.

ANGIE TURNER How the hell should I know? Thats your job. Im just here to make the premier look good. ROBERT PANICKI(WHISPERING) Mongeese? JACK BRODY Goddammit! Thanks a lot Angie. We really needed that wonderful hour and a half speech. How the fuA STAFF MEMBER enters the room. STAFF MEMBER Mr. Brody, the policy advisors are in conference room 3. Jack, Robert and Sarah get up and begin to leave. ANGIE TURNER Is that all you need from us now? JACK BRODY Yeah, thanks Angie. Just stay here and keep doing whatever the hell it is you do. ANGIE TURNER Go to hell, Jack! 5 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM SUPERIMPOSE: "5.52 PM" The three main characters are at the conference table along with PAUL BECKETT, SENIOR POLICY ADVISOR and a group of other POLICY MAKERS and staff members. They are all chattering to each other. PAUL BECKETT So...Immigrants. Are we for or against? The room falls silent. JACK BRODY Oh, good god...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: PAUL BECKETT Thats a perfectly valid question. SARAH TOWNSEND I dont think it is, Paul. PAUL BECKETT As far as I know, there are a lot of them running around now. JACK BRODY Running around? PAUL BECKETT I mean, do we even NEED more Asians?

6.

An ASIAN STAFF MEMBER walks by just as Paul says that, and glares at him. PAUL BECKETT I, uh... I mean, when I say "Asian" I mean, you know, Indians and that. Brown-like people. An INDIAN STAFF MEMBER walks in from the opposite side, stares at Paul, and shakes his head. PAUL BECKETT How many of you ARE there around here, anyway? JACK BRODY Oh, for fuSARAH TOWNSEND Lets not add discrimination to your already pending harassment suit, Paul. PAUL BECKETT ALLEGED harassment... Point is, we need to make this benefit US somehow if we are supporting this. ROBERT PANICKI So whats the one thing the government REALLY, really wants? JACK/SARAH/PAUL Money. All the other policy makers also say "Money" at about the same time. (CONTINUED)

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7.

JACK BRODY Okay, lets stick with this. Id better go talk to Vernon about how much money we ACTUALLY have for this thing. SARAH TOWNSEND Ill go see what other departments have on the whole immigration-money thing. ROBERT PANICKI Ill just.... ummm... JACK BRODY Bob, your with me. PAUL BECKETT (SARCASTICALLY) And us? What is thy bidding, my master? JACK BRODY Cut it out. Were running out of time here. Double your efforts, all of you! PAUL BECKETT (SARCASTICALLY) At once, my lord. 6 INT. TREASURY LIASON OFFICE SUPERIMPOSE: "6.41 pm" Jack enters the office, where VERNON HOWARD, SENIOR TREASURY LIAISON is sitting at his desk, eating a sandwich and watching television. JACK BRODY Vernon, I want to ask you about how much our funding for this propoVERNON HOWARD Fuck off, Jack. JACK BRODY Okay. Jack leaves the office. Vernon continues eating his sandwich and watching television.

8.

HALLWAY OUTSIDE VERNONS OFFICE Jack, exasperated, stands by the office door where Robert is waiting. They both start to walk down the hallway. ROBERT PANICKI He said no? JACK BRODY Hes with the treasury. Spending money is blasphemy to them. ROBERT PANICKI So what now? JACK BRODY Get all the financial guys to start working on how we can draft a proposal that costs nothing. ROBERT PANICKI Ask them to cook the books, move some decimal points around, that kind of thing? JACK BRODY What? No thats illegal, Bob. ROBERT PANICKI Oh its not THAT bad. Its just frowned upon. JACK BRODY Bob, I dont thinkROBERT PANICKI Ill go take care it now, dont worry about it. JACK BRODY WAIT! Its notRobert leaves as Sarah joins Jack. SARAH TOWNSEND Whats happening? JACK BRODY Bobs gone off to potentially commit some white-collar crimes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: SARAH TOWNSEND Ah, wonderful. JACK BRODY Please give me SOME good news. SARAH TOWNSEND The heads of department said to go ahead with the proposal. JACK BRODY They actually AGREED on something? SARAH TOWNSEND Yeah, shocking. I think its because everyone is scrambling to keep their jobs, so they want this to work. Jack and Sarah stop in front of the PR Office. SARAH TOWNSEND Its intense. Just take a look at PR.

9.

Sarah opens the door to the PR office which they are now in front of. Inside, the people are going nuts, screaming, crying, and fighting. Sarah closes the door. JACK BRODY Wow. SARAH TOWNSEND Yeah. So this is a good break for us, we have all the resources if we need them. JACK BRODY Good, good. How are you holding up? SARAH TOWNSEND What? Im fine, why? JACK BRODY Oh, no because...everyone is stressing out... people are starting to look terrible. I mean, not you... You look fine, pretty actually. Uhm, you look... Jack slowly and awkwardly inches in for a kiss. Sarah just stands there looking at him. Robert suddenly walks past them. (CONTINUED)

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10.

ROBERT PANICKI I got lost, sorry. Damn, looks like people have got no idea whats going on today. JACK BRODY Its the government, Bob. We NEVER have idea whats going on. Jack give Sarah a stupid smile, hoping she acknowledges his joke. Sarah walks away. A moment later, Jack walks away too. 8 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM SUPERIMPOSE: "3.28 AM" Jack, Robert, Sarah are at the conference table with Paul ans the other policy advisors. The boards in the room are full of writing. All of them look tired and worn out. JACK BRODY OK, Paul. Weve been here for 9 hours. Lets see where were at. PAUL BECKETT Right. Well, we say we welcome immigrants. JACK BRODY OK. PAUL BECKETT But then we also say we dont want the weird ones. JACK BRODY Go on. PAUL BECKETT Next, we say well help them get work to boost the economy. JACK BRODY Good. PAUL BECKETT But have an article about how we are taking steps to make sure they dont take all our jobs.

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11.

JACK BRODY Uhm... PAUL BECKETT OH! We also have a provision to give them small subsidies. SARAH TOWNSEND But then tax them anyway? PAUL BECKETT Exactly. Jack sighs heavily. ROBERT PANICKI And this 120 page document here? PAUL BECKETT Thats all full of contradictory articles like this. JACK BRODY Paul, why the fuPAUL BECKETT The best thing right now is to just confuse the hell out people. No way we can get this done properly. JACK BRODY Fine. At least none of them will read it anyway. Are we finally done? PAUL BECKETT Oh no, now we have to draft a second section to confuse the other members of parliament. Jack starts hitting his head on the table. 9 INT. PRESS ROOM SUPERIMPOSE: "10.06 AM" The Premier arrives, wearing a mining hat and has party beads around his neck. His aides are frantically trying to clean him up and get him dressed. Jack, Robert and Sarah arrive to meet him and stare at his confused expression for a few moments before Jack hands him the press statement.

(CONTINUED)

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12.

JACK BRODY We worked all night, sir. We dont know how this got leaked, but we got it done. HENRY DILLON (BLANKLY) Im not ready... JACK BRODY Sir? HENRY DILLON Oh...There he is! Good work, all of you. There was a leak? Tell me about it after we submit the proposal. SARAH TOWNSEND Oh, we already did that for you sir. The press has a copy too. HENRY DILLON Excellent! Impressive. Most impressive. Blue! Good choice. ROBERT PANICKI Sir, might I say its very brave of you to tackle a federal issue like immigration. HENRY DILLON Irrigation, Robert. Say it right. (Laughs) ROBERT PANICKI Im sorry, sir? HENRY DILLON The proposal. Its pronounced "Irrigation". JACK BRODY Excuse me, sir? What do you mean by immiHENRY DILLON (OBLIVIOUS) Imagine that, actually trying to legislate immigration right before election.(Laughs) Robert looks dumbfounded. Sarah looks shocked. Jack looks like hes about to cry.

(CONTINUED)

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13.

HENRY DILLON Oh, I think theyre ready for me. Well talk later. And again, great job! The Premier enters the press room. ROBERT PANICKI OH MY GOD! WHAT DO WE DO?! AAARRGHHH!!! Robert runs off screaming. SARAH TOWNSEND We are so screwed. JACK BRODY Dinner tonight then, babe? SARAH TOWNSEND Yeah, why not? Sarah leaves. The credits begin to roll. Jack walks down the hallway while in the background chaos erupts and glimpses of the press conference are seen on television screens as the press attack the premier. Jack reaches his office, sits down and pulls out a glass and a bottle of scotch. He pours some into the glass, looks at the ongoing press conference on his television, and takes a swig from the bottle. Jack sighs. JACK BRODY Fuck. THE END.