<i>My, my! Hasn’t this just been an eventful… event! Time for the TV title match. Let’s
have J.R. and Lawler say what would be much easier saying in narrative form.</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> This match has had quite an historic buildup to it, hasn’t it, King?
<b>Lawler:</b> Uh.. no? Fox and Dazza have only been mad at each other for the past
two weeks. What are you talking about, J.R.?
<B>J.R.:</B> Well, it’s seemed like it’s been a long time… It’s just been so.. so long….
<b>Lawler:</b> ….Uh…….
<B>J.R.:</B> *Sigh*
<b>Lawler:</b> ………….I really hope someone makes an entrance right about now –
<I>All of the lights in the [ENTER ARENA HERE] go off as a steady rhythm takes place. Just as the guitar
riffs before the singing start, yellow pyro explodes all around the entrance to the ramp. When it fades, a
man with a hood over his face is seen standing in the after-smoke</i>
<I>The man throws back his hood and raises his arms up, setting off fireworks leading down the ramp.. He
walks forwards onto the ramp, as slow as the Undertaker.</i>
<B>Howard Finkel:</b> Making his way to the ring... weighing in at 230 pounds... from Southampton,
England... DAAAAAZZZZZAAA!!!
<i>Dazza walks down the ramp, slapping a few hands. When he reaches the end, he bends down slightly,
preparing to run.</i>
<B>You're my enemy
All that we had has gone away
There are times that fade away
But you'll still be my enemy</B>
<I>Dazza breaks off into a sprint, and runs into the ring. He jumps up onto the nearest turnbuckle and pulls
off his jacket. He lobs in into the crowd, and maintains a steady balance on the top rope.</I>
<I>Dazza excecutes a perfect backflip off the top rope, landing on his feet, setting off smoke all around the
ring. It rises so the ring is unviewable. When the smoke clears, Dazza performs a perfect moonwalk to his
corner, waiting for his opponent as the music fades...</I>
<b>Lawler:</b> I hate this kid. Why doesn’t he just give up and realize that Red Fox
owns him?
<b>Lawler:</b> …What?
<b>Lawler:</b> …….
<i>Great heck, do I hate announcers. Red Fox enters, but I don’t know how. Hell, I don’t
even know what her music is. Hell of hells, I don’t even know if she even has music. But
she enters the ring, all the same, and…uh…. Here we go.</i>
<i>The two circle around each other, each keeping their distance from the other. Their
eyes are dead set on each other, as they’re in that ready-but-not-yet-ready-to-fight stance
(I believe it’s called “wrestling stance?”). They circle around the ring’s perimeter (note
that I said “perimeter,” and not “parameter,” like some of you illiterate scripters might
think (not that I’m actually thinking about anyone in particular (holy cow! Parentheses
within parentheses within parentheses (just like a complicated equation (on a calculator
(of course!))))) -3x). Finally, they grow some balls (take that as you will …. +3y), and
quickly approach each other in the center of the ring – and the grapple begins! Gosh, are
these exciting.</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> How is that I lucked out and am being portrayed as the rational one in
this match?
<B>J.R.:</B> b/c u touch urslf @ nite roofle
<b>Lawler:</b> GAH.
<B>J.R.:</B> Say, how is it that Miko was able to just spend almost half a page talking
about how these two competitors of fierce competitive competition just circled each other
and are now grappling?
<b>Lawler:</b> Miko? The wrestler? What the hell are you talking about?
<b>Lawler:</b> Huh?
<B>J.R.:</B> What?
<b>Lawler:</b> Huh?
<B>J.R.:</B> What?
<b>Lawler:</b> ……………….
<b>Lawler:</b> Yikes! And, as we all know, that’s a wrestling move. Those supposedly
hurt.
<B>J.R.:</B> ……………..
<i>Indeed, Fox has Dazza in a headlock. It’s no big deal – I mean, it’s just a headlock…
but conversely, it’s still a headlock! Those hurt!</i>
<i>Fox keeps applying pressure with the headlock. Holy hell, that actually is one heck of
a headlock (you know what’s funny about that? If you take the “adlo” out of the word
“headlock,” you get the word “heck” – and I called it one heck of a headlock! I’m so
****ing clever.). Dazza’s arms flail from side to side as time wears on. His face is turning
bright purple! I mean, green! I mean, bright brown (what the hell is “bright brown,”
anyway? That’s not a color. Try picturing it, I dare you.)! Eventually, Dazza’s lungs start
giving way, and his fighting quickly eases off. His arms slow their movement, his legs
start shaking, and…. BAM! Dazza falls to one knee! How in the hell can a headlock be
this devastating? Remind me never to get into a fight with Red Fox. Dazza’s arms both
fall limp. The ref picks up an arm…</i>
<b>Ref: 1!</b>
<b>Ref: 2!</b>
<b>Ref: …Thrrrrrrrrrre----</b>
<b>Lawler:</b> First of all, J.R., you’re not a pirate. Secondly, why the hell do you care
if Dazza’s still in?
<B>J.R.:</B> I don’t. I’m happy because I just felt my gallstone finish passing. That was
a painful three hours…
<i>With his arms revving back up again, Dazza pushes, pushes, pushes… back up to his
feet! His arms are going wild! What’s Fox gonna do when Dazza’s arms run wild on h----
eh, never mind. Dazza pulls his arms forward… and force their way back, elbowing Fox
in the gut! If Fox was the speaking type, she’d probably have said “Ooof!” On the other
hand, if she was like most people, she also would’ve let go… BUT SHE DIDN’T!!!! Fox
holds onto the headlock. Sucks to be Dazza. BURN</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> I concur.
<i>Word. Dazza tries again, firing the elbow… and again, to no avail. Fox keeps holding
on. And she KEEPS holding on, even when he starts going rapid-fire with his elbow. It’s
like “Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!” I mean, that’s what the elbows are like.
Like, he does it that fast. Know what I mean? Chyeah.</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> Dazza’s out of luck, it seems. He just can’t seem to get out of this
headlock.
<b>Lawler:</b> BURN x2
<i>Dazza’s arms start flailing again, and he starts scraping at her in any way he can. His
hands go all over her arms and stuff… Kind of like an inverted rape, or something.
Eventually, his hand darts up, and tugs at the sash covering Fox’s eyes! YIKES
CHARACTER PLOT POINT SPOILERS THIS IS NO GOOD NO GOOD AT ALL---
</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> What the..? We definitely switched roles on that last exchange, J.R.
<i>Fox, sensing the end of her world closing in around her, pulls back, lets go, and grabs
her sash. Her identity is safe! But she’s not! Right as she re-adjusts the sash, Dazza toe
kicks Fox in the gut! Dazza lifts his opponent up over his shoulders, like he’s going to do an Alabama
slam.</i>
<i>Dazza shouts to the crowd. Use your imagination on this one, because it’s probably something stupid
anyway. Something along the lines of, “I’M A-BEAT YO’ ASS!” or “MY SCROTUM ITCHES!” He
lowers Fox further over his shoulders. Dazza keeps on lowering her until her face is near his ass, and her
knees over his shoulders. How strangely erotic… Dazza crashes down onto his ass, and Fox’s head crashes
down onto the mat!</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> Diabolical driver!! Dazza just nailed the Diabolical Driver out of
nowhere!!!
<b>Ref: …1!
…..2!
…..Thr---</b>
<b>Lawler:</b> Well, J.R., I can handle the technical aspects of what went wrong here.
After all, I AM a former wrestler…
<b>Lawler:</b> Shut it. Obviously, it’s far too early in the match for Dazza to even think
about finishing it just like that.
<B>J.R.:</B> Well, that may be true, but he’s definitely done a good bit of damage to
Red Fox with that one singular move!
<b>Lawler:</b> ………….
<i>Dazza, ever the optimist, catches his breath for a second. Grabbing Fox by the hair,
Dazza gets into position and whips her into the ropes. Upon the return, instead of Dazza
hitting a sweet move(!), Fox slides underneath Dazza's legs! Evasive maneuvers to the
max! Before Dazza can turn around, Fox locks Dazza from behind into a Reverse DDT
position! Fox pulls Dazza’s head down into her “modified backbreaker,” (Cole, 397) but
as soon as she starts pulling on his head, he easily slides his head down out of the
position and escapes from the move. A cocky grin can be seen on his face.</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> I agree with the narrator! He just escaped from the same move three
times a row!!
<i>Dazza’s real hyped up now. Filled with excitement, he starts bobbing his head like the
pompous jackass he is (Not that I’m biased, of course… I mean, he’s just trying to play
up to the fans, right? That’s cool). Fox is pissed. This seems to be a cycle for these two.
She always gets pissed at Dazza for doing his thing. I suppose it makes sense. They do
have rather conflicting personalities…</i>
<i>While I was rambling in the last paragraph, Fox started going nuts on Dazza with
rights, lefts, and kicks! A physical rumble goes down on the poor guy! There’s no way
he’s getting out of this one. She’s just going ape! APE, I SAY!</i>
<b>Punch punch punch punch kick kick punch punch punch punch punch punch kick
kick kick kick punch punch punch punch punch!</b>
<i>Dazza keeps getting shoved all around the ring. He’s just getting nailed smack-dab
with every single shot. That blows, man. I mean, that REALLY blows.</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> …It HAS been going on for a while, King. Pay attention.
<i>In the midst of the massacre, Fox goes for right-footed toe kick to Dazza’s gut – but
Dazza intercepts the boot! This could be the turn-around he needs!</i>
<i>Powering up (I know, I know, but I had to say it..), Dazza pushes Fox’s foot away,
spinning her around 360 degrees… and on the return, Dazza hops up and grabs her
head!</i>
<i>Bouncing off the ropes, Dazza jumps and goes for a third DKO – and, yeah, gets
pushed away.</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> Red Fox so TOTALLY just ripped a page out of Dazza’s playbook right
there.
<i>Enraged, Dazza doesn’t bother running back. He’s just pissed now. You know how
J.R. and Lawler seem to have been mixed up today? Well, the same thing just happened
to our two in-ring competitors. Fox leans back and giggles to herself. We can assume that
she’s having fun now – at least as much fun as someone like her can have… Dazza,
annoyed as hell, charges at Fox with full force – and gets immediately slammed into the
mat with a drop toe hold from the Foxy one (I made up that nickname. Let it stick, it’s
good)!</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> Dazza’s anger clearly got the best of him in that little run!
<i>With Dazza face-first on the mat, Fox drops an elbow to his upper back.</i>
<b>Dazza:</b> Ow.
<i>Fox hops up, aaaaaaaand drops another elbow – coincidentally, in the same place!
Taking advantage of the situation, Fox runs away towards the ropes (to gain momentum,
most likely). She charges back, presumably for some kind of running elbow drop, or
whatever you kids call it these days… and with the agility of a Puma on acid, Dazza hops
to his feet and nails the running Fox with a high flipping dropkick – straight to the chest!
BAM! Fox is the one in pain now, and the ball is in Dazza’s court.</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> What--! Dazza came out of nowhere with that! He must be cheating.
<B>J.R.:</B> Looks like you’re starting to act like your old self again, Jerry.
<i>Dazza is happy about his reversal. Whoopee, you nailed a dropkick, kid. Have a
popsicle, why don’t you! Oh wait, no, instead you’re just going to dance, right?
Right.</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> What move is that? Is that the Roger Rabbit? The Cabbage Patch?
<B>J.R.:</B> “Maneuverizationism?”
<b>Lawler:</b> Yeah.
<i>So yeah, Dazza dances, and the crowd cheers. Then, realizing his opening of a
downed opponent, he decides to lock in a submission! Hurrah! Dazza locks in the
Spaghetti Junction (bridging Full Nelson), and it lasts for a while. Here’s the breakdown:
Dazza starts the move by putting Red Fox in a normal full nelson. He falls forwards, driving his opponent’s
face down, still with the full nelson locked in. He holds her like this for a few seconds, until he decides to
slowly pull his feet off the ground.</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> Wait a minute! I recognize this submission hold…. This is his Spaghetti Junction that he’s
trying to lock into place!
<i>Dazza raises Fox a total 90°, so that he is basically standing on his head with the full nelson still locked
in. He then puts his legs down, the opposite to where they came from; so that he is in a bridging position,
putting a lot of pressure on Fox's shoulders. Lo and behold, the submission is applied. Let’s see
Fox get her way out of this one.</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> Come on, Fox..! This little punk can’t get you with this!
<i>Fox is in a lot of pain. How the hell is she supposed to get out of a hold like this??
She’s struggling, and the camera zooms in on a shot of her gritting teeth; sweat rolls
down her face as though she was a man (! Sexual taboo!).</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> This could be it! That young lady might not be able to take this much
longer…!
<i>Fox is really hurting now. Finally, Fox starts moving her upper body upwards. By
doing so, Dazza is forced to bring his feet back. The bridge position breaks, and Dazza
slowly flips back… As Dazza’s legs are halfway over Fox’s shoulders, she pushes her
legs upward – and in one fell swoop, one powerful motion, Fox is on her feet, with Dazza
sitting on her shoulders!!</i>
<i>Fox stumbles back and forth for a couple brief moments, until finally she starts
leaning backwards… As if watching slow motion, the crowd is in a hushed silence as Fox
brings Dazza down through the air... and slams him head-first into the mat with an
electric chair drop!!</i>
<i>Both competitors are down and out. Fox is winded, and Dazza could be dead; who
knows. As the two lie on the mat, lifeless – although Dazza might be twitching a little –
the ref starts the 10-count.</i>
<b>Ref: …1!
…2!
…..3!
……..4!
………..5!
………….6!</b>
<B>J.R.:</B> Say, what did you think of my wife’s turkey the other night?
<b>Lawler:</b> Eh… It was pretty good… but the pie was the best.
<b>Ref:</b> ………………8!
<b>Ref:</b> ………………….9!
<b>J.R.:</b> F—Time’s almost up! …..Aaaand they’re both on their knees! Mah gawd,
that was a close call. This could’ve been a draw right there!
<i>As both Dazza and Red Fox regain their composure, they target each other, and just
for a straight-out brawl. Each one nailing left hands, right hands, headbutts, the whole
nine yards! I hate describing these exchanges that don’t involve any real wrestling – yet
they happen all the time… Bleh. Dazza starts getting the upper hand. He nails five right
jabs in a row, and then whips Fox into the ropes! Fox comes back.. and gets nailed with
an elbow to the head. Fox falls down. I mean, wouldn’t you fall down if someone
elbowed you in the head – at least if you ran directly into the elbow? I know I would. I
don’t know about y’all, but… uh… hehe….</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> What in the blue hell is the narrator talking about now?
<b>Lawler:</b> J.R…..
<i>Dazza picks Fox up and attempts to Irish whip her again, but Fox reverses by
spinning and whipping Dazza off the ropes instead! Dazza bounces off, gets sent flying
back to Fox, and on the return… Fox clamps her arms around Dazza’s upper body, lifts
him above her head… and nails a big belly to belly suplex! The mat shook with that one.
Dazza’s gonna need a minute to get up from that one. Fox looks towards the corner, and
runs towards… the corner.</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> It looks like it – but she’s going to have to scratch that, because Dazza’s
getting to his feet!
<i>Fox stays on the top rope and crouches down, looking as though she’ll be going for a
mid-air spear. She stalks Dazza, waiting for him to look in her direction… but as Dazza
stumbles up, he doesn’t turn around to see her; instead, he just runs towards the ropes
adjacent to her turnbuckle!</i>
<b>CRASH!</b>
<i>Fox loses her balance and falls halfway off the turnbuckle!</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> No, it’s definitely prepositions. A proposition is like a proposal, i.e. the
Declaration of Independence.
<B>J.R.:</B> The DoI was not a proposal! It was a declaration! They weren’t asking
Britain for independence, they weren’t suggesting it, they were demanding it!!
<b>Lawler:</b> First of all, don’t EVER call it the “DoI” again! It’s not like you’re
buddy-buddy with it, not like I am!
<b>Lawler:</b> Do too!
<B>J.R.:</B> Do not!
<b>Lawler:</b> Do too!
<B>J.R.:</B> Do not!
<i>With Fox dazed and sitting on the corner, Dazza heads in her direction. Tucking Fox’s
head under his right arm, Dazza falls backwards, spiking his opponent's head into the ground! Dazza
DDT!</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> Ouch! Looks like Dazza’s going to take this win after all!
<i>Fox, in pain and still on the mat, slowly rolls over to the opposite corner. Dazza stays
in the same corner and stalks her, waiting for her next move. Noticing that Fox is about to
get back up to her feet, Dazza crouches down into a ready position.</i>
<i>As soon as Fox gets up, Dazza speeds towards Fox to nail her with her own finisher,
the Fox Trot. He’s a foot away from making contact --- but Fox rolls out of the way at the
last second! Not only that, but the ref is right behind where Fox was standing, and Dazza
is forced to abruptly stop in order to not hit the ref! While Dazza tries to collect his
bearings, Fox rolls Dazza up from behind into a school boy! </i>
<i>The ref quickly flops down onto the ground and starts the count!</i>
<b>Ref: 1!</b>
<i>With the ref looking down, Fox pulls back on Dazza’s tights – and also grabs the
nearby ropes!</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> No! Fox has an unfair advantage! That’s giving her too much leverage!
<b>Ref: 2!
3!</b>
<i>Fox quickly rolls out of the ring, both laughing and trying to catch some air. The
crowd boos her, and some little kid right next to her gives her a nasty Batista thumbs-
down.</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> DAMMIT! That was unfair! She had him by the tights, and she was
grabbing the ropes!!
<i>Dazza looks up, still on his knees, with a look of both confusion and ferocity.</i>
<b>Lawler:</b> Haha! I told you she’d take it, J.R.! Shows how much you know!
<B>J.R.:</B> This is not right! Dazza didn’t get a fair chance at winning that title! The
belt should be around his waist right now, not hers!
<b>Lawler:</b> Shut up, J.R. Red won fair and square, and you know it.
<B>J.R.:</B> But she didn’t, and that’s why I’m angered at this—this atrocity!! That
awful Jezebel!
<b>Lawler:</b> You don’t even know where the term “Jezebel” comes from, so keep
quiet.
<i>The ref slides out of the ring and meets up with Red Fox. Handing her the TV title
belt in one hand, and holding up her other hand, the idiot ref helps her gloat about her
unfair victory. Fox keeps laughing, and Dazza gets to his feet. He hops his right foot up
onto the bottom rope and starts yelling inaudible gibberish to her, with an unparalleled
intensity in his eyes.</i>
<B>J.R.:</B> Well, in any case, I’ve got a feeling it’s not over between these two – but
only time will tell!
<b><i>FADE TO COMMERCIAL</i></b>