20 Key Ideas For a Happy Marriage

1. Keep your mind on your main goal, which is to have a happy marriage. Say and do what will enable you and your spouse to have a happy marriage. Avoid the opposite. Everything else is commentary. 2. Keep asking yourselves, What can we do to have a happy, loving atmosphere in our home? 3. Focus on giving, rather than taking. Say and do as many things as possible to meet your spouses needs. 4. Keep doing and saying things that will give your spouse a sense of importance. 5. Frequently ask yourself, What positive things can I say and do to put my (husband or wife) in a positive emotional state? 6. Before speaking, clarify the outcome you want. The meaning of your communication is the response you actually get. If the first thing you say is not achieving your goal, change your approach. Remember that mutual respect and happiness is your real goal. Do not needlessly argue. Silence is often the wisest choice. Constantly be mutually respectful. 7. Show appreciation and gratitude in as many ways as possible. Say something appreciative a few times a day. 8. Be a good listener. Understand your spouse from his or her point of view. 9. Be considerate of the feelings and needs of your spouse. Think of ways that you have lacked consideration and be resolved to increase your level of consideration. 10. Instead of blaming and complaining think of positive ways to motivate your spouse. If your first strategies are not effective, think of creative ways. 11. Give up unrealistic expectations. Do not expect your spouse to be perfect and do not make comparisons. 12. Do not cause pain with words. If your spouse speaks to you in ways that cause you pain, choose outcome wording, Lets speak to each other in ways that are mutually respectful. 13. Be willing to compromise. Be willing to do something you would rather not do in return for similar behavior from your spouse. 14. Write a list of ways that you have benefited from being married to your spouse. Keep adding to the list and reread it frequently. 15. Write a list of your spouses positive patterns and qualities. Keep adding to the list and read it frequently. 16. Keep thinking about what you can do to bring out the best qualities of your spouse. Reinforce those qualities with words and action. 17. Focus on finding solutions to any problems that arise. Be solution oriented. Do not just blame and complain. Do not focus on who is more wrong. For a happy marriage, work together to find mutually acceptable solutions. 18. Remember your finest moments. What did you say and do when you felt best about each other? Increase them. 19. Look for positive activities you can do together.

20. Live in the present. What went wrong in the past is the past. You create the present and future with your thoughts, words, and actions right now. Choose them wisely.

Matthew Boggs, whose parents divorced, was jaded about marriage. But he noticed his grandmother and grandfather, who had been married for 63 years, were still madly in love. To find out what was the secret to a long and happy marriage, Boggs and his friend, Jason Miller, traveled 12,000 miles around the U.S. to talk to what they call the Marriage Masters, couples who have been married 40 years or more. In their new book, Project Everlasting, Boggs and Miller share advice from the happy couples. TODAYshow.com asked the two bachelors to tell us what are the top seven secrets to a successful marriage. Here they are: 1. Divorce? Never. Murder? Often! Entering matrimony with the mindset that divorce is not an option is vital for the longterm success of marriage, say the Marriage Masters (a term we gave couples who have been happily married over 40 years). They went on to explain that this kind of mindset allows a couple to see solutions to marriages boiling points and trust us, not one of our interviewee couples avoided such periods of relational strife which would have otherwise been overlooked simply because one eye was too busy examining exit strategies. Marriage Masters simplify this into one word: Commitment. And theyre quick to point out that commitment is the virtue sorely missing from todays marriages. That said, there are deal breakers that very few of our interviewed couples advocated working through. These are known as the three As addiction, adultery, and abuse. A marriage overwhelmed by any of these three issues is unhealthy, plain and simple, and the Marriage Masters suggest that if you find yourself overwhelmed with any of the three As, take care of yourself (and your safety) first, and the marriage second. In the end, the old saying holds true: where your attention goes, energy flows. So the next time youre facing a mountain in your marriage, focus on the next foothold and soon enough youll find yourself over the top. 2. Theres no such thing as a perfect marriage, only perfect moments. We were shocked to discover how much work went into creating a great marriage. Wed always figured, Hey, Ill just find my soul mate and things will naturally fall into place after that ... well live happily ever after. Um, not so fast, one Marriage Master wife said with a certain look that meant business. Whoever said being soul mates was going to be easy? Her husband of 52 years nodded, then added, Marriage is a bed of roses, thorns and all. Any time two individuals live together (especially over 40 years) there are bound to be annoying, irritating, and frustrating experiences. But whether its the toothpaste cap, toilet

seat, snoring, or the last-minute pull-the-car-over-to-check-the-score-of-the-game-at-thelocal-bar move, one thing is for sure: the best marriages are served with an extra helping of acceptance for one anothers peccadilloes. And thats the beauty of marriage, said Maurice, another Marriage Master. All of our individualities, all of our wonderful differences. You gotta have friction. You cant get any heat without friction. We would do well, they say, to expect non-perfection; practice patience and give the acceptance we want in return. Theres no doubt that this is hard work, but judging by the end result, its well worth the effort.
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3. Unpack the Gunnysack People ask us our secret to marriage, said John, married 48 years. I tell them its the boxing gloves. We arent afraid to say whats on our minds.

Fireside

Unexpressed frustrations in a marriage can pile up and weigh us down like an overloaded gunnysack. These accumulated frustrations can quickly turn into resentments. Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, said Sally, married 50 years. Resentment will eat away at your marriage. The Marriage Masters encourage us to unpack the gunnysacks by opening the communication lines as frequently as possible.

But guess what? If we havent created and nurtured an environment where open, honest communication is welcomed and treated with diligent respect, then we can wave these crucial clearing the air moments goodbye. So where did some Marriage Masters go to build that trusting, open environment? Weekend marriage retreats! These powerful getaways stood out in many of our interviewees minds as the one experience that turned their faltering marriage into a flourishing one. The trick, of course, is convincing the husband to attend. 4. Never Stop Dating It has been said that its the quality of time, not the quantity of time that matters. But now we know, thanks to the Marriage Masters, that its the quantity of quality time spent together that leads to a wonderful marriage. Whether its a vacation in the Bahamas, or simply spending a night at a local motel once a week, keeping the romance burning is easy: all you have to do is keep stoking the fire.

One woman, married 47 years before her husband passed away, disclosed her secret to lifelong love. Every night, when her husband came home from work, they went up to their bedroom and hung a sign on the door that read Do Not Disturb: Marriage In Progress. For the following fifteen minutes theyd focus all their attention on one another. No phones, no pets, no distractions; even the kids knew that mom and dad were not to be bothered. When asked what they did in their bedroom, she laughed and said shed leave that to our imaginations. That was probably best anyway. 5. Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E Marriage Masters have a high degree of selflessness. Ill never forget what my mentor told my wife and me before we got married 42 years ago, said a Marriage Master named Walter. He looked at us and said, Most people think marriage is 50/50. Its not. Its 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you.
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Its always super-apparent in the best of the best marriages that both spouses have followed this philosophy. Though its not a difficult concept to understand putting one another first its surely a bit more difficult to practice consistently, especially with the prevailing Me first (and second) mentality today. The younger generations seem to have a sort of me-me-me mentality, says Donna Lee, married 45 years. The great part is that the me gets everything it needs when it puts the we first. 6. Join the CMAT Club Grandma Dorothy Manin, the inspiration for Project Everlasting with her 63 years of beautiful matrimony, formed an informal club when she turned 70 years old. She called it the CMAT club. The CMAT club stands for Cant Miss A Thing and represents the idea that life is short, so make sure to enjoy as much as you can. The death rate for human beings hovers right around 100 percent, and is expected to remain there for well, forever. Consider this: if the average life span is 77 years, then that means we only have 77 summers ... 77 winters ... 77 Christmas mornings ... 77 New Years, and thats it. The Marriage Masters know this all too well. Its easy to get caught in the day-to-day craziness of life and, in the process, take our spouses for granted. A widow named Betty, married 54 years, says, Now that hes gone I wish I hadnt had so many headaches.

The Marriage Masters are here to remind us that this adventure we call life goes by in the blink of an eye; relish your sweethearts presence while he or she is still here. 7. The Discipline of Respect You can have respect without love, said Tom, married 42 years, but you cant have love without respect. His sentiments were not uncommon in our 250-plus interviews around the nation. By and large, the number one secret to a thriving, everlasting marriage, as declared by the Marriage Masters, is respect. It is the catalyst for all things beautiful in a relationship: trust, connection, authenticity, and love. Unfortunately, respect in all its seeming simplicity is too easily overlooked, leading to criticism and all the ugliness that eventually causes both spouses to wonder (and vehemently): How in the heck did I ever fall in love with this person? You are the master of your words until they are spoken, a Marriage Master of 65 years pointed out. Then they become the master of you ... so choose your words carefully.