Since 1919

The Independent Circle Jerk of Emory University

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Volume 93, Issue 51 Every Tuesday and ???

STUDENT GOVERNMENT

CRIME

IRS Audits Spoke Budget

If you think that Emory wastes money funding the publication of the Spoke you are not alone. A series of questionable purchases including chicken costumes, a new camera, and an $820,000 trip to Las Vegas raised eyebrows with members of the Media Council, who came to realize it had been ill advised to give the student organizations a P-Card with a million dollar spending limit. Jessica Alisha Peterson was the first to discover the waste. When asked how she uncovered the excess Ms. J. A. Peterson said, I noticed Martin Krafft wearing a Rolex. Hes a Quaker. How the hell does a Quaker afford a Rolex? After realizing the magnitude of the embezzlement, Media Council turned over the investigation to the only organization with any experience with misuse of student funds: SGA. Fearing drawing attention to their own books, SGA reported the malfeasance to the IRS. After reviewing the finances of Emorys satirical magazine, the IRS reported that the Spoke is single handedly responsible for tripling the universitys expenses. Agent Bob Boring was stupefied by what he discovered. This is the biggest financial scandal since Bernie Madoff, he said. No member of Emorys community is immune to the penetrations of this sinister organization, their dirty money having funded the new Hillel house and Wagners mansion. The Spoke has been acting as a criminal syndicate since the 19th century. It appears that Dooley was originally a Spoke agent, who, using his disguise, would pillage the registrars coffers. How he was transformed into an Emory mascot is unclear. Regardless, Dooleys week is still the Spokes most profitable period, during which the publication is paid a cut of all emergency medical expenses resulting from Dooleys Ball. From cocaine trafficking to whoring drunken freshmen, the Spoke appears to have been a front to launder money for all the vices taking place on campus. Members of the Spoke have

New SGA President Ashish Gandhi hosts rally on quad to consolidate political power and rally Emory school spirit.

Student Government Fascist?

Ashish Ghandis cruel reign as president of Student Government president reached a new high when Ghandi and his security force gunned down protestors in front of Boisfeuillet Tuesday. The protest featured over four dozen students calling out things at Boisfeuillet like hey, thats not cool, man and death to Ghandi! Several students, in response to the human rights violation of Ashishs regime, set their textbooks on fire in protest. Many more also drank beer and had sex in their dorm rooms as acts of protest. At around noon, as the protest cries grew louder and louder, Ghandis private security force made its way outside and fired into the crowd AK-47s and BB guns. Several were killed, and many more were injured. Six SWS members, who were there by coincidence at the same time protesting lack of MARTA passes, were also caught in the gunfire, to no great concern. Swoop, who organized the protest, has disappeared, to widespread campus anxiety. Some suspect he has retreated to a safe place, while others note the sudden improvement in the quality of DUC chicken with unease. Earlier this month, Ashish, overwhelmed with the sheer power that being part of the SGA bestows, had been driven to madness and insanity on the conclusion of the SGA elections. After renaming himself Supreme Commander of the People of Emory, Ashish proceeded to transform the Emory campus from an idyllic paradise of unparalleled beauty to a draconian, heavily policed community of unparalleled beauty. Ashish has converted Boisfeuillet into his base of operations. His command center on the third floor, which looks over the entirety of the few feet in front of Boisfeuillet, features a throne made entirely of Dooley Dollars, an expansive window, and the cages of the other members of SGA. Ashish still makes his way outside to Asbury Circle to receive his weekly tribute from all campus organizations on Wonderful Wednesdays. Tough economic times are ahead for the college, as the new currency imposed by Ashish bills with the SGA logo and Ashishs face on them have become too scarce to be used effectively. People have resorted to using commodities as a medium of exchange, most notably cigarettes, akin to how they are used in prison culture. Ashish dismantled the ban on smoking earlier this month. One of his nameless stooges read a public proclamation that the ban was a gross infringement of human rights and a dastardly deed. Partying has also become less fun. From the mandatory 9:30 curfew to a meaningful review of our funding, Ashish Ghandi has really destroyed frat life, ZBT member Muhammed Sahon told the Well. Binge drinking on Tuesday night is much less fun when I have to wake up early to grovel at Ashishs feet early the next morning. But what else am I supposed to do on a Tuesday night? Sahon asked, hazing a freshman in nervous frustration. Fraternities and sororities are very concerned about our future and the future of Emory as a whole he added. Ashish also worked to turn Emory citizens against themselves by putting out hit lists of hated Emory undergrads. Turning in the dead body of a dissident is rewardable with spots in Chem 142. The Well, too, has suffered loss at the hands of Ashish. Martin Krafft, the head of the Well, was hanged on Monday for vagrancy and for refusing to wear shoes. His head was paraded on a spike throughout the campus, to serve as an example to others. Questioned as to his intentions for future actions, Ashish said AHAHHAHAHAH!!!!

AWARD

Emory Wheel Receives North Korean Award

In keeping with their tradition of propagating the revolutionary ideology of the Leader, last week the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) presented the Emory Wheel, the Wells rival news source, an award for excellence in journalism. The award comes at a good time for the Wheel as its reputation on campus continues to flounder. Ri Chun-hee, broadcaster from Korean Central Television, presented the award to the Emory Wheel on the KCNA website late last week. She included the following statement: I would like to commend the Emory Wheel for their outstanding ability to uphold a commitment to transparency and ethical journalism that glorifies the memory of the eternal and all-powerful general secretary Kim Jung Il. With the recent and overwhelmingly joyous election of Kim Jong Un, supreme commander of the KPA, the DPRK is seeking media partners that uphold similar values in journalism. With KCNA, The Emory Wheel will serve as a beacon of excellence to the puppets of the United States and South Joseon. Like the capitalist pigs, we will also flood the streets of the world with news and culture, and spread the beauty and cournext year. A surprise raid earlier this year uncovered thousands of hidden shipping containers with tens of thousands of Wheel intended to be traded on the black market. Although some capitalist pigs have suggested we use our money for things like food, we only have so many resources to devote to getting past American sanctions. Given the utmost necessity of the Wheel to maintaining the integrity of our political system, sacrificing Wheel for food is not an option we even considered, Chun-hee said. When asked about the honor, Wheel editor-in-chief Evan Chairman Mah said that he was appreciative of the award and thanked the KCNA for their continued partnership in speaking out against non-violence. Upon hearing Mahs reaction, students from Emorys Liberty in North Korea quickly condemned the award saying it sent a blatantly damaging and irresponsible message. The anonymous leader of ELNK responded, ELNK is in solidarity with the North Korean people and the South Korean government. As a result of this act we will have a movie screening of a famous Korean action movie complete with Korean food and a fun raffle.

Whats the problem if we skim a little off the top? We are just sharing the wealth, is all. Its called democracy for Petes sake.
Charles Magnuson, Spoke writer and Emory student

The DPRK is seeking media partners that uphold similar values in journalism.
Ri Chun-hee, broadcaster from Korean Central Television

age that lies within the eyes of our Fearless Leader. Death to the bourgeoisie, death to the West. Long live the workers of the world and their humble servant, Kim Jong Un. The award itself is said to be a large tapestry featuring Kim Jong Il forcibly and passionately caressing Bill Clintons penis. Due to limitations in North Korean infrastructure, the award isnt expected to arrive until late

The Wheel has confirmed that it will accept the rape tapestry from North Korea, a country often described as a terrorist regime, claiming that the publication represents a diverse set of views on campus and denial of such an award would be unrepresentative of the Wheels ethical policies. This is the Emory Wheels first award in journalism since 1999.

been seen going to class wearing minks, top hats, and monocles; clearly unabashed by their unseemly corruption. Spoke writer Charles Magnuson is quoted as saying, Emory students are so rich, whats the problem if we skim a little off the top? We are just sharing the wealth, is all. ... Its called democracy for Petes sake. Yet other students did not seem as amused. Elizabeth Vanderbelt III remarked, With the money my daddy pays to send me here I could go on a shopping spree in New York. It is not right for these hooligans to be extorting the university in this way. Emory students Martin Krafft, Gabriel Nahmias, and Lawrence Balanovsky are being held for questioning under allegations of embezzlement, corruption, prostitution, drug trafficking, and breaking the RICO act. A grand jury is expected to deliver charges within the week.

POLICE RECORD
On April 18th at around 2 a.m. EPD officers responded to a complaint from the housing director of 15 Eagle Row, the address of Beta Theta Pi, who said there was the odor of marijuana coming from the second floor of the house. Officers examined the house but the inhabitants had cleverly disguised the odor with clouds of lemon-scented Lysol spray. The officers returned to the police station, disappointed. EPD officers responded to an indecent exposure call on April 25th at 7 p.m. in the Woodruff Library. The student, officers said, was feverishly masturbating on the 7th floor Stacks whilst reading a book of 18th century Russian short stories. Officers demanded that he cease his hand to gland combat, but the student refused. The commanding officer brandished his electroshock weapon and attempted to subjugate the student. But before the officers could bring him under arrest, the student had managed to finish. The short story he was reading, that is. You sick fucks. On April 21st at around 3 p.m., EPD received a call about a suspicious individual seen sitting behind the tennis courts during a womens tennis match. The responding officers described the individual as obviously deranged and slightly unshaven. The suspect attempted to avoid arrest by showing officers his Emory card identification and swearing he was just a fan, but the officers ignored his obvious ruse and proceeded to bludgeon him into submission. Officers later stated that theres was way someone would willingly watch a tennis match unless, of course they were a sexual deviant. The suspect was held without bail. Officers responded to a report of an assault taking place in front of the Cox Dining Hall on April 22nd at around 2 p.m. Lord James W. Dooley, 153, and his bodyguards were seen savagely stabbing a student who had been wearing a Dooley costume. One of James Dooleys bodyguards loudly read from a piece of paper, stating, Bitch, this is the last time youll be stealing my swagger. EMS was the first on the scene, but the medics refused to treat the victim after they removed his mask and saw that he was that dick who takes the elevator in the library to go down a floor instead of just taking the stairs. Dooley was later given a life sentence for the crime, but was immediately released because he isnt alive.

Sunday

CALENDAR: EVENTS AT EMORY

Event: Goizueta Alumni Drink-Off Time: 2:30 p.m. Loation: Goizueta Business School courtyard Event: Ritual Dancing and Sacrifice Time: 6:30 p.m. Location: Schwartz Center for Performing Arts Event: Angry Bird Cupcake Decorating Time: 4:00 p.m. Location: Food EU Event: Crimson Tide vs. Eagles Time: 6:00 p.m. Location: WoodPEC field Lecture: Fraternities, Stoners, A Cappella: A Holistic Approach to Meeting Booty Calls at Emory Time: 1:00 p.m. Location: Glenn Memorial Lecture: Why Are There So Many Baltimoreans?: A Special Presentation by the Office of Admissions Time: 9:00 a.m. Location: DUC Game Room Event: Yuppie Watching Hike Through Druid Hills Time: 4:00 p.m. Location: Departs in front of White Hall

Event: Twilight Book Club Time: 6:00 p.m. Location: Drainage pipe under Woodruff Library Event: Protect Your Wealth Time: 5:30 p.m. Location: Miller-Ward Alumni House Event: The Inter Faith EverLoving Joy in Jesus Annual Concert Time: 7:00 p.m. Location: Cannon Chapel Event: Women and the Endless Oppression by the Male Species Time: 8:00 p.m. Location: Woodruff Library, Joseph W. Jones Room Event: Young Tea Partiers Time: 4:00 p.m. Location: Emory School of Law, Gambrel Hall

Tuesday

Event: Silent Auction to Benefit Emorys Hellls Angels Chapter Time: 6:00 p.m. Location: Jones Room, Woodruff Library 311

Event: Funk Dancing for SelfDefense Time: 3:00 p.m. Location: Candler Library 212

Saturday

Wednesday

Event: Wonderful Wednesday Acid Test Time: 11:00 a.m. Location: Asbury Circle Lecture: Bro Culture in Stalinist Russia Time 3:00 p.m. Location: Center For Ethics 103

Lecture: Justifying Your Ancient Mediterranean Studies Degrees to Your Parents Time: 4:30 p.m. Location: Bowden 210 Lecture: Justifying Your Business Degree to Your Youthful Optimism Time: 5:30 p.m. Location: Bowden 210 Lecture: Jazz Studies: Cool Major, or the Coolest Major? Time: 5:00 p.m. Location: Schwartz Black Box Room Event: Ad Hominem Attacks: Co-Sponsored by Young Democrats and Young Republicans Time: 2:00 p.m. Location: McDonough Field Event: Checking Out Chads/ Brians/Johns Wicked New Piece Time: Location: Eagle Row

Thursday

Event: Beheadings Time: 12:00 p.m. Location: Asbury Circle Event: Screening of Your Pretentious Roommates Number One Favorite French New-Wave Film Time: 7:00 p.m. Location: White Hall 207

Monday

Event: The Most Important Talk Ever Time: 7:30 p.m. Location: Philosophy Department, Room 206

Friday

Event: Candlelight Vigil for the Einsteins in the DUC Time: 8:00 p.m. Location: Quadrangle

Discussing the Value of Breasts

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a raging women hater. Ill admit, the actions that led to my dismissal from the Sophomore Advisor position were not the best reflection of my attitude towards women. My only defense is the bottle of Jose Cuervo I had been chugging from earlier, but who wouldnt want to drink on a residents birthday? I was a young, doe-eyed sophomore, full of navet. Now Im an old, cynical senior, and I love women. I think theyre great! I live in a house with four strong, independent women, and all my closest friends are female (sorry, Gabriel, I know about the operation). Though I received a conduct violation for posting a Weekly Flush with the picture of a topless woman, I maintain that my intent was to critique the custom of flashing breasts for beads at Mardi Gras. I love breasts as much as the next guy, maybe even more, theyre so nice and shapely, but the idea of women feeling the need to bare their bosoms in exchange for some shitty plastic beads just doesnt make sense. To use an economic analysis of the argument: first of all, breasts could be worth more than some five cent plastic beads. There are enough desperate guys to give up money, cars, maybe even houses in exchange for getting a peek. Consumption of alcohol at Mardi Gras prevents flashers from being fully rational market actors, in which they would realize, I am not selling my services at market equilibrium price. I should charge more for lifting my shirt up, so that demand for breast equals supply of breast. But haggling over a price is completely a step in the wrong direction, anyway. What people, especially my friends in the Office of Student Conduct, dont realize, is that nudity is a public good. Breasts arent something that should be exposed in small quantities. Id prefer to see them out and about all the time, in all shapes and sizes. Whats happening is an artificial scarcity of breasts to create more demand, so that corporations can commoditize them and reap the financial benefits from the commercialization of the human body. The result is a fear and mistrust of the human body that has so ingrained itself in our society that people come to think that a nude image is inherently offensive. Well, frankly, if were speaking about whats offensive, I find that narrowmindedness offensive. I think naked bodies are the best, and have long been a champion of nudity during my time at the Spoke. I exposed my ass (and a tad bit o sack) in our feature of the Playspoke, though I received many complaints of offensiveness for the paleness of my bum. I firmly maintain, though, that the sensation of having ones testicles dangle in a warm breeze is a public good, with the sense of freedom and comfort that come from not giving a shit enough to say, Wait a minute! Im human. I have a naked body, when I dont put any clothes on. There is NOTHING wrong with a naked body, and I shouldnt be embarrassed or worried enough by social stigma to hide it. The Emory community is not a safe space for difference. The difference that the Emory administration is trying to promote is just a generic, vanillaflavored difference which looks good on paper, in which nobody does anything that could be considered offensive. The human body is NOT offensive, and anyone who is offended by it would greatly benefit from more sexual relations. The Spoke is waging a war on what should be considered offensive. If people get offended just by the surface of things, like seeing a bare breast and freaking out, they are prevented from engaging in a much-needed discussion on issues that actually matter. The Emory community is not a safe space for difference. The difference that the Emory administration is trying to promote is just a generic, vanillaflavored difference which looks good on paper, in which students are afraid to do anything that could be considered offensive. What is needed is a reevaluation of what is considered offensive, growing in perspective from just the surface of things to a more underlying analysis of what is going on. The human body is NOT offensive, and anyone who is offended by it would greatly benefit from more sexual relations. Getting insulted by an image of a breast, assuming that it is automatically an attack on all women, is dealing too much with the surface of things. The point of satire, a long-established art form, is to challenge the very system upon which prejudice and injustices are founded. The Spoke seeks to tear down the systems that promote injustice and close-mindedness, and does so by being edgy and potentially offensive in order to achieve a reevaluation. If we do not look with a critical mind beneath the surface, nothing will ever change. I hope that before being offended by this issue, you first take the stick out of your ass, laugh, and then have some serious contemplation about why you might have been offended by it, and whether its better to be offended by how weve chosen to make fun of something, or, what I think is better, offended by the thing itself. Martin Krafft, Editor-in-Chief

Why Im Not a Misogynist

From the Editor

P.S. Its actually the Spoke.

Editor in Chief Martin Bare Balls Krafft Treasurer Noah Listen to Me Sing Levy Editors
Gabriel The Mighty Jew Walzer Nahmias Robert The Unlucky Lawrence Stop Laughing Freshman Weisenblatt Balanovsky Kristen No-Show Ellingboe Martin I Dont Think Thats Dave Half-Jew Stess Funny Sigalow Rhett The Poet Henry Gabrielle Wolozin Rachel Thats Sexist Arrielle Happy Birthday Bottoms

Design Captain Egan Farmer Short

Madison Ill Corporatize Your Ass Poche Matt African Virgin Nestor Lauren Languid Ladov

Aditional Writers

Austin Im So Gay I Bought You a Rainbow Flag Causey Sam Pedo Rothschild Sabrina Bear Bernstein

Beloved Cartoonist Anita Okoye Friends of the Spoke

Robert Steamed Duck Grabowitz Olga Alexeeva Jordan Francis Rachel Leff Harvey the Wonder Hamster

Faculty Advisor Lisa Paulsen

LETTERS

Newts Tips for Emory Students: A How-To Guide for Seducing Your Teachers, Leaving Them with Cancer, and Still Making a Bid for President of the United States
Hello fellow Americans, my dear Emory students, In the process of trying to decide who is more awesome, Jesus, or me, Newt Gingrich, you might ask yourself the question: How do I get me a professor or teacher in bed? I not only lost my virginity to my high-school geometry teacher but married her, and then left her for another woman while she was dying of you guessed it, CANCER! Take that, all those kids who used to make fun of me for looking like a toad. I remember that first day I met her. I was 16. Ah that day was beautiful. I was sitting at my desk in the back corner of the room, devising my plan for world domination, as this well-endowed young woman, aged 23, walked in. Her hair was flowing and her dress hugged her body. Having just recently passed through puberty, I had some difficulty controlling myself a challenge that I still have to struggle with. I just love Americans, and how can anybody be OK with just one when theyre all so delectable?! I wrote anonymous poems of infatuation to her every day, describing her as my lovely Josephine and promising her a future in which I will be able to reject publically the existence of select ethnic groups. It was a beautiful day in April when I decided to profess my love to Mrs. Battley, or Jackie-poo. I had written a book of poetry for her about core conservative values, and constructed an altar by that time, next to my secret Catholic altar to Jesus, where I conduct the Eucharist every Sunday while sacrificing a baby goat. I had to keep this all a secret from my evil Lutheran family. Next to my Jesus wafers, I kept my Jackie wafers, which I also ate every weekend, if you know what I mean. I informed her of my love, my desire to subjugate her to a traditional patriarchal marriage, and have many children with her. I also informed her that if she would be diagnosed with cancer I would have to leave her. That night she came over to my house and took of her tan raincoat under which was very provocative lingerie. It was just beautiful the way her midsection draped over the black strap of her panties She pushed me onto the couch and we made sweet love. In the traditional Gingrich fashion, I proceeded to blackmail her into marriage. One year later we conceived our first daughter, listening to Conway Twitty, and I began attending your fine institution of higher learning, Emory. What they dont tell you about my Emory days is my status as Newt the Tank or Mr. SixPack. The lame-street media only reports on my pot-smoking days at Tulane, when in Emory I also took acid and engaged in massive orgies while my wife sat at home with the baby, like any good woman You all know the story after that: all the tail I chased, all the scandals I survived, and all of the virgins I sacrificed. Remember this: professors and teachers, especially the single ones, are all very lonely. Any prospect of returning back to their sexual past is fair game for them. Therefore, all you do is provide them with ample evidence of your sexual interest in them. As hungry lions walking into a cave filled with little baby antelope, they will be blinded by carnal desire. And then you pounce on them. Newt Gingrich, Proud Emory Alum

Female Proclaims Values of Sisterhood andIndependence

Hey, Theta sisters!!! Just wanted to give yall a shout out for being the best sisters that a girl could ask for! Thanks so much for making sure I didnt go home with that sleaze ball from ATO who tried to get me to agree to a gangbang with all his brothers. And thanks for holding my hair back as I threw up. You know Id do the same for you, as long as I dont get too crunk! Sorority sisters forever!! P.S. Please go ahead and post the photos from last night, but dont tag me in them. My daddy says he can get me a job as long as I dont have any more photos of me doing keg stands. Lame, but what can I do? Theta Gurl Kelly Forever

Anti-Semetic Leader Plagues the Spoke

I am outraged at the Spokes blatant disregard for the Jewish way of life. I thought that by joining a 90% Jewish group, I would be surrounded by respect and love for my tribe. Martin Kraffts daily consumption of massive amounts of pork, just to spite me, was the straw that broke the camels back. My greatest grievance, however, is the continuous lack of Jewish humor in our work. Daily, I have pleaded to no avail with the other members of the editorial staff to maybe add in a quote from Larry David, Seinfeld, or maybe just Woody Allen. Even self-deprication is nearly out of question. I once tried to write an article about the terrible food at the DUC and how service was just horrific, yet I simply got a smirk and was told to get my complaining self out of the office. Thats what they call me, a complainer. They of all people should know not to use such an epithet around people of Jewish heritage. Well, let me tell you, those were not the only problems with this organization. They wouldnt even allow me to put jokes about Jewish people. Martin Krafft once said, Jew jokes are generally offensive and distasteful, however Blacks, Italians, WASPs, and all other ethnicities are fair game. Thats blatant anti-Semitism and I just cant take it any longer. I am therefore currently in the process of writing a long and very negative review on Yelp. Lawrence Balanovsky, a plaintive jew

PRESIDENT JAMES WAGNER

Id like to express my concern about the well being of the Well. Its disintegration can be attributed to a lack of discipline, an unwillingness to pursue hardhitting issues. One topic that I think has not gotten nearly enough coverage is, well, me, the President of this institution, James Wagner. Im the fucking President, after all. What better is there to talk about? Frankly, I find it offensive that I only get any coverage when I make big decisions. Just last week, for example, no one noticed that I was wearing a pink bra underneath my suit. Im misunderstood, frankly. Theres more to me than just being an all-commanding leader. AND, I got a new car. When my beloved Model-T in black broke down, I decided to get a Model-T gray, which was kind of a big deal. Did I see any press in the Well, though? Not a single fucking word. They were talking about those goddamn SWS protestors. I just wish those Communist asswipes would be fucking taken out. In fact, Ill make a call right now. This is the last time they steal my thunder. I pour my heart and soul into giving Emory the faade of an ethical institution. The least you assholes can do is write another article about me. President James Big Balls Wagner

Frat Brother Fails to Shotgun Entire Beer

Responding to campus-wide rumors, Zeta Beta Tau Fraternity President, Daniel Bobier, confirmed that a brother failed to shotgun his entire beer at last weeks Sans Pants Dance. Speaking last night to a press conference at Glenn Memorial, Bobier added that the brother, Harold Pinsky, 19, of Saddlebrook, New Jersey, had been subjected to appropriate disciplinary measures, and was now on probationary status within the house. Rumors about the incident had spread quickly since last Saturday nights party, held at the Beta house on Eagle Row. Witnesses reported seeing Harold shotgunning his beer with a group of friends and then tossing the can to the ground, as if he had, in fact, drank all of it. His deception was revealed, however, when a brother picked Harolds beer can back up and turned it upside down. Witnesses describe seeing two seconds of solid beer flow out of the mouth of the can, indicating that Harold had not finished the beer as he had claimed. Dan The Man Bobier acknowledged the accuracy of these reports. It is with great sadness and disappointment that I speak before you today, he said. We fully understand the pain and confusion this must cause all you GDIs, used as you are to looking up to brothers as exemplars of coolness which you yourselves can never hope to equal. I would cry right now, Dan added, If I was a cock-sucking ass-queen. Campus mood reflects the truth of Dans statements. Students are reporting to Health Services in record numbers, perhaps indicative of the mental turmoil that arises when traditional social structures and hierarchies are upended. Like peasants freed by the breakdown of feudal society at the end of the middle ages, Independents who were formerly confined by feelings of inadequacy and anxiety are now forced to deal with the knowledge that they are not, perhaps, as inferior as they supposed they were. No longer confined to their rooms on Friday and Saturday nights, flooding their keyboards with tears and masturbatory fluid, they wander campus in awkward groups, testing for the first chug another one right now. You want to see me do it? The disciplinary measures ZBT is taking with Harold have not been disclosed. Traditionally, frats have sought to administer an amount of pain and humiliation on an errant member equivalent to that which the member himself has caused the frat. In a leaked 2005 incident, for instance, Alpha Tau Omega delivered as many nail-studded paddlings to sophomore Jerry Atwell as hours of extra, faggy community service he had perSpeaking wistfully, Greyson remembers a simpler time in the life of American fraternities. Himself a member of Gamma Beta Gamma at Cornell, he shared a story of the punishment exacted on a certain brother who had become nervous and failed to make a sister in the back of his Chevrolet. Nowadays, intra-fraternity punishments have gotten so elaborate. Its always gag him here, chain him down there - its almost sadistic, really. In my day, we kept the focus on correcting unfortunate, unmanly behaviors in a brother. We simply took the brother down to the basement, bent him over the old pommel horse, pulled down his khaki slacks, and showed him, one by one, what it meant to be a man. Sighing wistfully, Greyson said, Sometimes I want to give todays brothers a history lesson, and remind them what it means to be Greek. It was in the gymnasiums and bathhouses of ancient Athens, after all, that men first learned to join in brotherly love. If any boy wanted to come to my office, at say nine p.m., Greyson added, Id love to give him a private lesson.

SPOTLIGHT

If a bro coughs silently after a deep bong rip, or maybe doesnt quite make twenty seconds on a keg stand, well, thats okay. Were only human, or slightly more than, after all.
Anonymous fraternity brother

time what its like to speak in a voice louder than a whisper. Speaking with the Well on the condition that he remain anonymous, a current member of ZBT said that the brotherhood was also in chaos right now. He said that some brothers, attempting to re-locate and affirm their own identities, were meditating silently or consulting the great works of Thoreau and Emerson, while others were making discreet attempts to join other, less sissy frats. If a bro coughs silently after a deep bong rip, or maybe doesnt quite make twenty seconds on a keg stand, well, thats okay. Were only human, or slightly more than, after all. But for a brother to fail to shotgun a single, 8 oz. Natty Ice Light is simply horrific. I chugged a 40 this morning, the brother concluded. Ill

formed. Though Harolds specific punishments have not been revealed, community members have reported seeing him walking around shirtless and squinting, a certain indication that his standard-issue neon Ray-Bans and fruity tank tops have been confiscated. Professor Greyson of the Anthropology department is sure that the discipline will not end there, however. Within primitive societies like Greek fraternities, he says it is useful to think of deviant members as owing a debt to their communities, a debt typically paid off in pain. He thinks that an examination of Harolds legs and buttocks would probably reveal numerous wounds and injuries, perhaps punctures from the hooks by which he was suspended from the basement ceiling while brothers took turns ejaculating in his face.

Harold Pinsky, all-round fuck up

Tales of a Twelve-Year-Old Frat Bro

February 1, 2012: I learnt a lot today. I was riding my bike on the sidewalk when I ran into these four dudes in tank tops with their hats turned backwards. They all looked really cool, and something must have been really funny because they were all laughing a lot. They stopped and started talking to me and told me that I had a really cool bike. They kept talking about me becoming their brother. I tried to tell them that I already had an older brother, but they didnt listen. They told me to follow them, and they seemed cool, so I walked my bike with them until we came to a building that kinda looked like my house, but way bigger. One of the guys asked me if I had every heard of Beta Theta Pi before. I asked him what it was and he pointed to a spot on the house where I saw a sign that kinda looked like American but a little different. It looked like it spelled the word Bon, but that didnt sound anything like Beta Theta Pi to me, so I think these guys might not be that smart. They asked me to come back and hang out with them tomorrow night, though. I hope my mom lets me go, they were so cool. February 21, 2012: WORST NIGHT EVER. Tonight we started what the guys call pledging. When they first said we were going to start pledging, I asked someone where the American flag was, but they just laughed at me. Then they started pouring something that looked like apple juice into really small cups. I was so confused. I tried to drink some, but it wasnt apple juice at all. The older guys put us in a line and asked everyone to take off their clothes. I thought they were kidding but all of the other guys in the line started doing it, so I took off my pants and my shirt. I was wearing my favorite Yankees boxers, but nobody noticed. Then everyone took off their boxers too, and everyones thingys were just hanging out. One of the older guys pointed at mine and started laughing, and then everyone looked and started laughing. I felt even worse when they made us drink more stuff that looked like pee and hurt my throat. Then I got really dizzy and I woke up on a sidewalk with two really old ladies. My head really hurts now, and I think I dont want to play with these people anymore. Ill ask mom what she thinks when she wakes up and gets off of the kitchen floor. March 31, 2012:Tonight my pussy ass brothers were all PTFO by midnight. Can you believe that weak ass shit? I was sitting there with two forties watching all the drunk bitches dancing up on each other while these flaming homos just slept on each other. I just thought, More for me, so I got up and started grinding up on this fine ass ho real nice. Before 3, I had hit at least four different girls on the dance floor, and I was still just linin em up. Around 5, after taking a nice hit out of the six-footer, I was ready to PTFO, myself. These other bitches better man-up or Im getting out of here and going ZBT for fucking sure.

ANOTHER SPOTLIGHT

ACADEMICS
study teams tend to be composed of a scribe and an oracle. The scribes tend to be very focused, and will come prepared with flawless lecture notes that are color coded by the professors tone of voice when he uttered them. The oracle, by contrast, might show up high, but is so intelligent that he can explain anything that goes over the scribes head. These successful duos can usually be found in locked study rooms in the stacks (the scribe having skillfully reserved the spot in advance) or in the coveted corners of the 7th floor stacks. The only thing that can sabotage this dream team is the beginning of a romantic relationship between the two. As everyone surely knows, sexual tension and studying go together like bread and butter, and once those sparks start flying, they only place that these tributes will be doing any work is the stairwell. As the night wanes, and deadlines rapidly approach, each of the various tributes engages in a grueling battle with readings, papers, and practice tests. Some fall victim to the unpredictable wave of sleepiness that is often induced by the lonely stacks, and end up with PTFO (passed the fuck out) syndrome before they even realize what hit them. Others venture away from camp to the depths of the first floor in order to replenish their supplies at Jazzmans cantina. The obvious choice between a 5-dollar fruit cup and a 3-dollar cup of coffee tends to force the tributes to stay up even later than they intended. As night turns to day, there are classes to be attended and papers to be handed in. Some venture out of library doors with confident smiles while others meander into the outdoors dismayed and defeated (pussies). All that remains constant is the smile on the statue of Woodruff, as he waits eagerly until the next batch of Ivy League wannabees passes by, indicating that the next Library Games have begun.

The Library Games

The statue of God-King Robert W. Woodruff looks on, cigar in hand, as they walk into the building. They enter eagerly as friends, scholars, and even brothers of the Greek persuasion. However, everything changes once they cross the ominous threshold and enter the Unholy Temple of Scholarly Endeavors. The borders between chaos and order, war and peace, hatred and friendship, paper and plastic, lemon and lime, all lie within the large glass library doors. Several tributes enter, but the number of students who survive to cross the threshold once more as victors is entirely dependent on how they handle pressure within the belly of the beast. The first and often the most arduous task of the enthusiastic library scholar is to find a spot and set up camp. However, the space that each student seeks is dependent on the type of battle that they wish to do with their studies. The Asians stamp out their final cigarettes and head directly to the tower elevators; the stacks are their battlegrounds. Once on one of the sacred floors, these soloists fan-out, scouring each wall and corner for the perfect single study cubby. For these intellectual soldiers, there is no such thing as a space that is saved. A stack of books, small backpack, or a lone pencil means jack to this breed of super-student. To them, they are not place markers, but merely piles of shit that must be obliterated in order to bring honor to their families. Once they have set up camp, the Asians unsheathe their weapons of choice, which can include pens, notebooks, laptops, earplugs, and iPods with premade k-pop play lists. Having completed their preparation, these headstrong study fiends begin to attack their course work with bellicose fervor. Other groups prefer to enter the battle hand-in-hand, wielding weapons of discussion, teamwork, and intellectual collaboration. The matching Greek inscriptions on their sleeveless t-shirts and congruous hairstyles make this group especially easy to spot. These study troupes are more commonly found on the first three floors of the battlefield where they can scream and yell at each other until their throats are sore and dry. These are some of the more troublesome tributes, for their collaborative efforts dont always end well. They have the potential to help each other finish more quickly, but after a certain allotted time of checking their facebook pages and telling penis jokes, these bros often end up abandoning the Library Games in favor of cheap lagers and loose women. One can often see them politely flipping-off the statue of Woodruff as they depart. Not all teams are doomed to fail, however. The study buddy is actually considered to be an effective strategy for surviving Library Games. That being said, the selection of the partner, and the location of the collaboration are key determinants of the effectiveness of this strategy. The most skilled two-person

Emory Administration Segregates Black People, Returning to Cherished Roots of Bigotry and White Power ...

The Good Ol Days

Having tried for over 50 years to make black students at Emory feel as uncomfortable as possible without getting its hands dirty, Emorys administration has decided to tackle the issue once and for all. With Senior Vice President John Ford finally forced to retire, the university intends to institute a series of new programs to make it crystal clear that blacks are not welcome at our prestigious institution. Officials report that beginning with the incoming class of 2016, all African American students will be forced to register for a listserv to be bombarded with invitations to attend multicultural events, join a step team, and engage in the consumption of the oh-so-delicious DUC food at Emorys signature Black Hole. Additionally, any student wishing to participate in Greek life will have to choose from the ever-shrinking set of National

like the international students, there just isnt any more room for them here at Emory. Black student Michael Johnson said about these changes ,yo dawg dats wiggity wacked. Note: This author is black, very black, like the color of those dark chocolate Rolos. He is currently hiding out in Bruges. So all you politically correct whistle-blowers can suck it. If youre really, really offended, I suggest going to the doctors and having that redwood surgically removed from your butt hole.

Pan-Hellenic Council organizations. Students who resist these measures will risk expulsion to Morehouse, Spelman, or Clark Atlanta. Repeat offenders will be banished to Morris Brown. Emory Choir has been encouraged to perform in blackface in the traditional Jolson style. Black students are required to take AAS 102: introduction African Drum Circle to graduate. A subscription to Black Star Magazine is also mandatory. The DUC has also eliminated fried chicken and watermelon from the menu in an effort to discourage black students from applying. We hope that by eliminating the staples of their diet, we can discourage their presence as much as possible, said Head Chef Michael Lyle. Weve cut back on our grape soda, but they dont seem to have gotten the message. When asked for a justification

for these new policies, President Wagner referred us to Emorys budget. Im trying to run a business here, and at the end of the day the black students just dont pay enough. I think theyre great people, I love Eminem, and one of my best friends is black. But until they start paying full fees

Tuition will double for students who can hold this pose for at least two hours.

Major Sensitivity Guide

Im frankly tired of women complaining about men not being emotionally engaging and sensitive. If I hear men are such Majors Business sensiTiViTy 0 assholes one more time We at the Well have decided to provide you with a Major Sensitivity Guide, so you can figure out ThouGhTs His time spent listening to you complain about your sorority girlfriends could be focused on maximizing profits and designing derivative products. He doesnt want your emotions; he wants to learn how to sell toxic assets to unsuspecting clients. Your complaints diminish his utility. He doesnt even understand how he has a girlfriend. Hell do whatever you like, except stop writing poems about irrational numbers representing loneliness. Hes smugshowing off to people that hes taking the same ridiculous course load as pre-med students, yet has less than half of the financial prospects they do. Whenever you try to express your feelings, hell come up with some extensive metaphor about how entropy represents love to get you off the subject. Even more smug about not being pre-Med. All he cares about is illustrating the properties of your vagina. He probably has a stack if anatomically accurate drawings of your snatch in his drawer. Your discussions with him will usually end in some strange metaphor about sperms and eggs or DNA transcriptase. He then will leave you there to watch videos on animal sexuality in the secret cave under his bed. Similar to the math major. He has spent the past decade trying to program a Hentai sex game in Java. Hes probably not interested, though. Between explaining to you the ontological argument and enlightening your spiritual ignorance with the word of the great Dalai Lama and his Tibetan monk friends, he has no time to actually think about you. His sexual fantasies are generally over the top, such as lighting your pubic hair on fire to be a Burning Bush. His ears are open to God, not to silly women. The same as an economist, except he thinks hes better because hes probably going to work for a nonprofit in sub-Saharan Africa while that economics major will end up serving the bourgeois oppressors of the poor. Emotionally a wreck. No financial prospects. High risk for alcoholism. But hell listen, and then hell write a poem to make you feel even worse about life. When you feel sad or upset at someone, a philosopher is not a bad choice for a boyfriend. Hell prove to you that life is generally empty and that there is no free will. You will then achieve enlightenment and transcend your pathetic issues. Physicists are combination of pot-head mathematicians and angry chemists. Every time you talk to him, he will go on a rant about the meaning and uncertainty of life. He will then kiss you and retreat to his Physics lair. He will listen to everything, even the slightest sighs and sounds. In his head he will be analyzing you and diagnosing you. Whenever you try to talk to him or tell him about your troubles, hell tell you that you have an anal retentive attitude and might have bipolar disorder and then tell you that the session is over and you owe him sex. He really doesnt care. Hes god and he has no interest in your petty trifles. Hes extremely smug and rather be studying for the MCAT. Whenever youre talking longer than five minutes, he asks you if you want him to fail in life by not letting him study for the MCAT. just what youre getting yourself into when he blinks back tears and tells you hes a Creative Writing Major.

HOROSCOPES
aries: Stop being a sheep! Its time for you to start thinking for yourself, so dont do anything that this horoscope suggests. Taurus: The movement of Saturn has tilted its red rings closer to earth, meaning that the future is looking grim for your Xbox. However, this tragedy will allow you to revisit some of the things you used to value, like personal hygiene and social interaction. GeMini: This is a good time to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. You may discover an exciting hidden talent. Dont quit your day job though, and your new skill probably wont get you laid either. cancer: The movement of Venus suggests that love is in the air, and you should look no further than the guy in the cubicle behind you. His stares may make you uncomfortable sometimes, but its really your own fault for wearing clothing that accentuates your curves. And sure, he writes horoscopes for a living, but the stars say that youre ready to settle. Leo: The stars say that youre ugly. They figured that you should know why no one wants to talk to you, and have decided to just be candid. Fortunately for you, the combined power of Match.com and Photoshop will get you plenty of first dates. No celestial body in the universe could figure out how youd get a second one though. VirGo: You may not be aware of this, but Pluto was actually stripped of its classification as a planet a few years ago. Consequently, the Almighty Board of Astrologers decided that the impact of Plutos icy rays shouldnt be taken as heavily into consideration. Thus, you really dont have an excuse for being such a COLD, HARD BITCH. Five minutes with me and youll feel more like Venus anyway. Libra: Avoid any Capricorns that are hiding in a dark alleyway with a rubber chicken and a jar of KY Jelly. Also, dont get close enough to find out if theyre actually Capricorns. scorpio: The dark shadow in your future was originally interpreted to mean your untimely death sometime in the near future. However, upon further review, we have decided that the shade is more indicative of a cheap tan. Unless of course youre a ginger, in which case the two are synonymous. capricorn: Duck! Whew, youre safe for now. aquarius: The stars feel a lot better about themselves when they look at you, and realize just how insignificant they could be. You can try as hard as you like to be different, but no one will ever recall your name more readily than Jupiters. This may seem a little harsh, but youve been kind of a dick lately and I ... er ... the cosmos think you need to come back down to Earth. pisces: Please show me your tits!!

Economics Mathematics

1 8

Chemistry (not pre-med)

Biology (not pre-med)

Computer Science Theater Studies Religion

8 10+ 2-3

Political Science

Creative Writing

Philosophy

Physics

Psychology

Pre-Med

STUDENT GOVERNMENT

University Introduces One Helluva New Housing Program

As the year draws to a droll and dreary finish for the rest of us, chaos is beginning to take reign of Dobbs residence hall. The powers that be behind the ominous Emory seal have gathered once again to answer the time old question of how they can make us more profitable students. President Wagner announced on Monday that a new system was to be put in place immediately to adjust the price of housing. He announced that the system would dictate housing costs based on the quality and general likeability of all freshman dormitories. In an interview following the announcement, JWags personal representative, David Cameron commented, I mean, lets be honest here. Trimble is on the way out, and Dobbs shouldve been long ago. The flashier dorms are the future, and that future comes at a price. These are harsh times. College students need to learn that you get what you pay for. If you ask me, Turmans going to be the shithole of the future. Were always looking ahead here at Emory. Mr. Cameron may have been correct about the future, but he seems to be ignoring the present. As of Monday, within hours of the announcement, an entire black market for room sales had erupted within the student body. The wealthy Long Islanders have been buying their ways into penthouse Longstreet rooms, while selling off closets in Dobbs to anyone who will pay dick for housing. Chip Southern, representative of the magazine, COCK (Conservatives on College Kids), had the following to say about the fascinating changes, I think its inspiring, pious, and godly. The students at Emory University have created their own economy and subverting the housing department in doing so. They have done something truly radical, yet truly conservative. Its really quite unprecedented. The business school students are getting hands on experience in the sort of economics that will restore this country to glory, god-willing. Look out, fashionably opulent dwellers of Longstreet and Fevans because the heats on you, now. Emory Po doesnt go to Dobbs anymore, allowing the residence hall to sink into squalor. As the week has pressed on, the effects of social mobility have taken a harsh toll on Dobbs, so harsh in fact, that a state of apparent lawlessness has settled

HOUSING

Yerkes Lab Holds First-Ever Primate Fashion Show

Yerkes National Primate Research Center held the first ever primate-lingerie fashion show last Wednesday night. The event was intended both to provide insight into mating habits in non-human primates and to raise money for future research projects. Yerkes financial manager Rango Tan explained the economic motivation for holding such an event. Emory takes a little bit more money out of our budget every year to build another fucking Ritz-Carlton for the freshman, Tan explained. The shows ticket sales, merchandise, and corporate endorsements will allow us to build up our ape wardrobe I mean reputation as a research institution. The show itself lasted for about two hours and featured over 10 different species of primates. Scantily clad apes of both genders strutted their stuff to the soundtrack of the Disneys Tarzan, as well as a few tracks from monkey-sex symbol Phil Collins new solo album during the grand finale. Many of the biggest names in the risqu primate nightwear industry paid Yerkes a great deal of money to have their designs worn by the apes. The hairiest apes with the largest chests wore items from Victorias Secrets new Skimpy Chimp catalog, while the smaller apes with the redder rear-ends advertised lesser known fashion lines like J Crews Skanky Mankey and Urban Outfitters priMATE WITH ME. The event also yielded some very interesting scientific data about neural stimulation in primates. Experimenters placed electrodes into the brains of both the ape and human members audience, in order to observe the differences between their neurological responses to the show. Yerkes head researcher Jane Williams said that she was thrilled with the results, and that they would provide the foundation for future experiments. Tuberculosis and HIV studies arent as trendy as they used to be. Primate Lingerie research, however, is edgy, and people are already starting to call us the bad boys of science. Ms. Williams then proceeded to describe how she and her team had inserted their boots into the anus of the CDC. This edge comes at a price though. The fashion show has sparked a campus-wide controversy over whether dressing primates up like sexy bitches is ethical. All of the usual suspects have raised their whiny, highpitched voices in protest of the have sex. In response to the second criticism, Yerkes has actually started a chimpanzee self-esteem fund, in an attempt to make the filthy, hairy apes feel better about the fact that theyre not as attractive as underwear models. The lab also released a statement last Saturday recommending that mediocre-looking specimens call 1-800-UGLY-APE if they are feeling insecure. Some of the parties that came out in favor of the show have ironically done more harm than good. Many have criticized Yerkes for accepting a large check from People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals, or PUTA, when raising the start-up capital for the show. To make matters worse, the Better Beastiality Bureau issued a statement on

Tuberculosis and HIV studies arent as trendy as they used to be. Primate lingerie research, however, is edgy, and people are already starting to call us the bad boys of science.
Jane Williams, head researcher for Yerkes

event. Statements like dressing up animals is cruuuuuel, and fashion shows lower averagelooking apes self esteem, are being repeated ad nauseum by members of the ASPCA and the Animal Rights club. When asked about the first gripe, doctor Williams pointed out that non-human primates are entitled to look sexy too. The apes that we dress up dont suffer any more than your mom does when she wears a thong for your dad thats right, your parents

Friday that cited the show as evidence that the State of Georgia is becoming more progressive in terms of accepting alternative sexual preferences. Rango Tan has confirmed that Yerkes has begun investing in future shows, and rumors are already circulating about sexy circuses and tapes of Apes Gone (More) Wild (Than Usual). Needless to say, Emory students can expect this to be the most controversial issue on campus for much of the foreseeable future.

Gang violence and drug use have risen dramatically throughout the week.

SUSTAINABILITY

Sustainability Corner: Senior Scraps

The cafeteria in the Dobbs University Center is putting to rest its two greatest challengesfood waste and students, primarily seniors, sneaking in for a free meal- with a bold, new Senior Scraps program. Because Sodexo Managers are no longer allowed to talk to Emory students without a lawyer present, Manager Joe Mitchell emailed The Well with more details. Extreme measures had to be taken in order to cut back on the high waste, both for the cost of removal and sustainability goals. Mitchell noted that simply giving students smaller portions on smaller plates hadnt really fooled anyone as expected, and they had begun revising their plans in early October. Another plan to re-brand thrown-away leftovers as Pasta Johns Secret Stew did not meet FDA regulations, despite the employees wide appeal. However, this disappointing finding brought to light a previously missed legal loophole, and noting some initial apprehension to the Senior Scraps plan, Mitchell defensively said, It is legal ambiguities like this that help us remain competitive. While the law forbids direct or indirect movement of food between customers plates, if food is scraped into anothers mouth, the food provider can avoid prosecution. The Office of Sustainability Initiatives expressed their support, reporting that this system is not only more efficient but also encourages students to be more involved in sustainable living. Speaking positively about the change, College freshman, Sam Rothschild, told The Well, You know how at UCLA students can donate extra meal swipes to the homeless at the end of each semester? I kind of feel like that knowing that I can get my [parents] moneys worth eating at the DUC and help a senior fend off the realities of coming unemployment.

in. The residents of Dobbs have sublet the closets inside of their closets to any paying resident and overcrowding has become a major issue. As a result, gang violence and drug use have risen dramatically throughout the week. On Friday, Emory Police Department Spokesperson, Officer Busk announced, Emory Police Department will no longer monitor or intervene in any activity reported at Dobbs residence hall. Those scumbags have been making a racket all week long and refuse to negotiate with such rabble-rousers. Lets face it, Dobbs is a shit hole. We all know it. I believe this is an instance in which we late nature take the reigns.

INTERVIEW

A Date with Death: Talking with a Student Who Was Intimate with Dooleys Bone
A certain student was spotted getting handsey with The Lord of Misrule himself at this years Dooleys Ball. Sources confirmed that the student was a female senior, dressed in a day of the dead skeleton costume and seen following Dooley around all night, and not just as a member of his stoic entourage. Indeed, these two danced close to the thumpings of Alesso, hands intertwined as Dooley ground upon her backside. A member of our distinguished staff did some serious investigative reporting to unearth the identity of this skeletonobsessed floozy, and courageously asked her the questions no one dared to ask. Well: So you find it socially acceptable to have intercourse with someone who is dead? Skeleton Floozy: Dead?! We are all dead! Would I have been attracted to him if he was alive? Perhaps. But I prefer to live in the moment. Just like Dooley- we really complemented each other if you ask me. Both quirky, ironic, rambunctious, with nothing to lose. And in terms of intercourse, well, let me just tell you: I writhed, I seethed, I shook with the pleasure of forty harems, I had never felt so alive! I had 175 years of history between my legs and doubts of whats socially acceptable were not going to ruin my night! W: So the sex was good? SF: Lets just say Dooley was an experienced lover. Like a fine bottle of red wine, this lanky skeleton aged exquisitely. He had the slick suave moves of a Southern gentleman and the titillating tongue of a dirty southern rapper. He knew exactly what I wanted, what I needed and desired. Its like He had a sixth sense about my body and ran his fingers across my torso like five spiders of pleasure. W: But what about the whole, lack of skin aspect? SF: Well, with no organs or flesh to get in the way, our bodies intertwined, connected, and we rode the same waves of lovemaking! Cuddling, though, was not too pretty. Post-coital, Dooley

quickly fell asleep. He seemed exhausted, and rightfully so. He had come 12 times, and I, 22. The floor was soaked in our excretions of love. But he was out cold, and his bones were of no comfort to me. He refused to be the big spoon, so I had to awkwardly wrap my arms around his fragile frame, his femur digging into my side. W: And the morning after? Howd did that go? SF: When I awoke, Dooley had abandoned me. I couldnt even get to make him waffles with my new special skeletonshaped iron. I shouldve assumed as much. He doesnt seem like much of a morning creature. He did leave a note on his pillow saying: I flit here and yonder and make a call wherever I may choose. Selfish bastard. It made me wonder how many women he had just boned like this- before and after his interment. Men are all the same dead or alive.

Chairman Bernanke Gets a Makeover

In response to widespread criticism that the Chairman of the Federal Reserve isnt hip and edgy enough, Congress has passed a bill that will finance a total makeover of Ben Bernanke. The bill passed by overwhelming majorities in both houses, and many of the Entertainment Networks best and brightest minds have already been hired to help make the face of the Federal Reserve from drab to drop-dead gorgeous. Paul Ryan, the Chairman of the House Committee on the Budget, asserts that it is one of the only items in this years budget that has bi-partisan support. Everyone on Capitol Hill knew that we would need to either to finance his makeover or bribe him never to open his mouth again. We chose the former. When asked about his personal feelings on the makeover, Bernanke was uncharacteristically enthusiastic. Well, I was sitting at home, reading a guide to watching paint dry when I received a call from President Obama, who informed me about this new project. This might be even more exciting than when I started shaving my beard with an electric razor instead of a manual one. The bulk of the money allocated towards his makeover will be spent on making his usual attire

EMORY HELPLINE

a lot flashier. Representative Ron Paul has often criticized Bernankes lack of interest in gold, and government officials are hoping that the chairmans new medallion and grill will finally shut him up. Rolex has been contracted to design the medallion, which will feature a picture solid-gold portrait of Alexander Hamilton, the sultriest central banker in history. Next, in an attempt to improve his publicity, Bernanke has agreed to appear in advertisements for several products that are made by respectable American companies. His infomercial for Crayolas newest shade of gray crayon is expected to air sometime in the next month. He is also slated to appear in a commercial for Pfizers newest prescription sleep medication, in which he claims that its even more effective than listening to his speeches about monetary policy. Also worth noting are his endeavors to enter the pop music scene. His solo career is not expected to require much effort to develop, since any one of his speeches could easily be made into a hip-hop track using Autotune and the addition of a backbeat. Furthermore, Bernankes Jewish heritage makes him an ideal fourth member of the Beastie Boys, and he is expected to tour with them this fall.

Are you stressed over exams? Experiencing issues with your roommate? best friend? loved one? Do you think you might be gay? Is the DUC out of frozen yogurt again? Do you often feel like its all too much to handle? Well, God damn it, get your shit together, man! Your parents arent paying $50K a year for you to bitch about your lot in life. Perhaps you could waste less space and air by dropping out of Emory and enrolling in ITT Tech. Just dont call us asking for help.
Emory Student Health Services

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Do you have a burning desire to innict punishment? Tired of having to drug your Craigs List friends before theyll let you tie them up? Emorys Honor Council is looking for students just like you!

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There is no safe word with the Emory Honor Council

I C A P E N I S E K R P

D P E N I S Z C W I E P

W Z K S H Y Q Y D N E L

I T D C U J E S I N E P

C P P C W L A S I G Y E

E T R K O S U S G C Q N

F N K O S O L C R Y L I

L B D I D O O L E Y P S

H M N R X B V V B C T G

V E K S I N E P Q P G Y

P P E N I S R Z E G J U

T O S I N E P E N I S M

\ Hey, dont blame us! Maybe Freud was right after all

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CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING
Creepy upperclassman brother looking for potential slampiece: Its my last formal and I need a date. Please overlook my greasy and husky exterior, Im a real sweetheart on the inside. I drink heavily and I am inappropriately drunk for every social event. When Im not passing out or shouting slurred obscenities, I like to avoid bathing or anything involving responsibility. Somehow, my social ineptitude didnt stop me from getting a bid. I know this sounds incredibly desperate, but Ive exhausted all other options. Nobody will answer my Facebook messages. That said, I have zero game and I must rely on my pledges to find a suitable home for my penis. So, if youre interested please contact me. Please. Fratstar looking for a good time: Sup, slams. I need a fine bitch to take down with me to fuckin P.C.B. If youre already on my slam roster, I probably have already contacted you. Im looking to bring in some free agents. So, if youre the kind of girl that instinctively gives bomb-ass morning bobble, shoot me a message. Also, you must have tits that are bigger than 34 CC. I cant be seen fratting it up in PCB with some fuckin twig GDI bitch. That would be fuckin embarrassing. I drive an Audi A5 because my parents are fuckin loaded. I look fucking swoll in a pinny and my sexual performances are at the very least, above average. Roommate vacancy: Are you tired of living with boringroommates? Or are you just so damn broke that you dont actually care who youmight live with? Well Im your man. I enjoy hosting swingers parties everynight. I tend to masturbate to very loud internet porn. Related to that, myinternet connection might be weak, given that all 10 of my computers arecontinuously downloading porn. I have two dying cats, who are each missing their legs and carry the bubonic plague. Inaddition, my little person friend, who lives under my bed has a crack problem.Well, I really hope you give me a chance and come over for a tour. I am only asking $25 per month so you know you can Trust Me!!! Help wanted, food-industry veterans: If you are 40 or over and have just lost your six figure salary, join our group of executive partners at SmileysBurger Place. Since youve lost all of your shame and self-inhibition, youwould be a great fit here. You also have lost enough of your self-dignity toquestion our demands to thoroughly clean our bathrooms, where our overweightand intestinally irritated customers relieve themselves in many various andgrotesque ways. Just remember, as long as unemployment is over 7% andcontraception is the most pressing issue in the Senate well always be there to hire and exploit you.

The Spokeword

Across: 1. Most popular dating website 2. Meow 3. What makes people proud to be from Georgia 4. Emory building with dirty sounding name 7. The Virginia ultrasound 9. What you drive if you like to pretend you . care about the environment 10. The best Star Wars movie 11. Best g-ddamn country in the world 14. A pirate's favorite restaurant 16. The most popular food in America 18. Combination of a tiger and a lion 19. First black president 21. Its just a theory... 24. What makes Emory students better than . everyone else 27. Why people join frats 28. The official channel of white people

Down: 2. The guardians of Swoop 5. My heart will go on and on in 3D 6. Legendary! 8. Married his girlfriend's adopted daughter 10. Why g-d created the internet 12. A secret Muslim radical Christian Communist . Socialist Nazi Kenyan terrorist 13. Legally defined as a brothel 15. The most evil organization in America 17. Good place to mail order a bride from 20. blanket-jacket 22. Good place to male order a bride from 23. Beer or Ping 25. Somebody once told me the world was gonna rule . me, I ain't the sharpest ___ in the shed 26. The most trusted name in news

SUDOKU - Can you Solve it?

Dont be an asshole. We know youve done a sodoku before. Just put the fucking numbers in the goddamn blanks. Good luck chumps.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Sex Shop

Just because theres no Prince Charming, doesnt mean you shouldnt be treated like a Princess.

Down: 2. Chickens 5. Titanic 6. Barney 8. WoodyAllen 10. Porn 12. Obama 13. Sororities 15. Congress 17. Russia 20. Snuggy 22. SanFrancisco 23. Pong 25. Tool 26. JonStewart Across: 1. Facebook 2. Cat 3. Mississippi 4. Dobbs 7. Transvaginal 9. Prius 10. PhantomMenace 11. Kenya 14. Arbys 16. Bread 18. Liger 19. Reagan 21. Evolution 24. Money 27. Sex 28. FoxNews answer Key

Lets be serious. Theres no such thing as Sports at Emory.

Due to the size of the header, no content will fit on the page. So in the interest of ending the objectification of women, heres Jessica Alba.

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