Adoption - handle with care

Adoption is an event that has a life-long effect on everyone involved. This week You! has delved into various aspects of adoption, while discussing the issue with eminent social worker Mrs. Bilquis Edhi and Dr. Mubin Akhtar, MD, Karachi Psychiatric Hospital

By Gul Nasreen "My husband desperately wanted a son. I kept on getting pregnant and one after the other I kept on having girls. Sabeen was my seventh baby. Since our income was limited and we were unable to cope with the expenditure of raising all seven girls, I decided to relinquish Sabeen to my sister-in-law. However, it all caused me great pain. Seven years have gone by but I still keep myself informed about her wellbeing." This is the story of a housewife Naeema who belongs to a middle class family. She has shared with You! the way she had to give away her baby girl for adoption. Adoption is an event that has a life-long effect on everyone involved. This week You! has delved into various aspects of adoption, while discussing the issue with eminent social worker Mrs. Bilquis Edhi and Dr. Mubin Akhtar, MD, Karachi Psychiatric Hospital. In our society adoption is looked at rather skeptically. Even if a couple decides to adopt a hapless baby, it's rarely because they wish to play a role in the general welfare of the society. Their motives for doing so are personal - they no longer wish to remain childless or sometimes adoption within families is an 'obligation' or a 'need'. According to Bilquis Edhi, adoption must be advocated as a means of social welfare in the society. "In our society children born out of wedlock are killed or thrown away in garbage heaps. It's one of the worst forms of heinous crimes and I strongly deplore and condemn that. I always advise the unwed mothers to place their unwanted babies at Edhi cradles placed at many spots in the city." Bilquis Edhi said that any person who places such a child in the cradle is given a safe exit. "The mothers who commit a serious folly by giving birth to illegitimate children should not double their sin by killing those innocent souls." She lamented that only in the first week of Ramadan, seven bodies of newborn babies were recovered from kutchra kundies and nallahs, which indicates that the streak of cruelty in people didn't mellow down even in the holy month. "If only more well off and enlightened couples could come forward to adopt such unfortunate infants, it would be a major step towards the general welfare of the society." Now it must be taken into account that adoption brings many challenges to families the natural one, the adoptive family and the adopted child. But at the same time, as Bilquis Edhi pointed out, adoption can mean sheer joy for some, as in the case of Naeema's sister-in-law Naheed, who was childless and adopted Naeema's baby. "My life and daily activities revolve around her. Before Sabeen (the adopted child) my life was vacant and meaningless," observed Naheed while sharing her experience.

Adopting a child, in the light of Islam - Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) adopted a former slave and raised him with the same care as if he were his own son. However, the Qur'an gives specific rules about the legal relationship between a child and his/her adoptive family. The child's biological family is never hidden; their ties to the child are never severed. The Qur'an specifically reminds adoptive parents that they are not the child's biological parents. n The guardian/child relationship has specific rules under Islamic law, which renders the relationship a bit different than what is common adoption practice today. The Islamic term for what is commonly called adoption is kifalat, which means 'to feed'. In essence, it describes more of a foster-parent relationship. - An adopted child retains his or her own biological family name (surname) and does not change his or her name to match that of the adoptive family. - An adopted child inherits from his or her biological parents, not automatically from the adoptive parents. - When the child grows up, members of the adoptive family are not considered blood relatives, and are therefore not mehrum to him or her. Mehrum refers to a specific legal relationship that regulates marriage and other aspects of life. Essentially, members of the adoptive family would be permissible as possible marriage partners, and rules of modesty exist between the grown child and adoptive family members of the opposite sex. - If the child is provided with property/wealth from the biological family, adoptive parents are commanded to take care and not intermingle that property/wealth with their own. They serve merely as trustees. - Islamic law places emphasis on locating a relative to care for the child, before allowing someone outside of the family, much less the community or country, to adopt and remove the child from his or her familial, cultural, and religious roots. This is especially important during times of war, famine, earthquake or economic crisis when families may be temporarily uprooted or divided. Other aspects of adoption Dr Mubin Akhtar, MD, Karachi Psychiatric Hospital, said that the psychology and sociology of adoption is complex and interesting. Couples, who relinquish their babies for adoption, go through various stages of psychological trauma, while on the other hand the childless couples who adopt these children are extremely happy. So it's something that brings sorrow and happiness at the same time. "Some studies indicate that the maternal-infant bonding - the attachment that forms between an infant and his mother beginning at birth - influences the child's psychological and physical development. And in the process of adoption, that natural bond is missing. But with the passage of time, a natural bond is established between the child and the adopted parents. The childless couples, after being blessed with a baby in the form of adoption, try their best to keep their baby well and happy.

According to Bilquis Edhi, around 16,000 kids have been adopted from the Edhi homes. "I only wish that Edhi homes could somehow get hold of all destitute infants, instead of discovering their bodies thrown away in garbage. Even at the moment there are three thousands applications pending with me of childless couples who desperately want children, but not enough infants are here to be given away to all those couples." She stressed that adoption is a two-way phenomenon - it blesses both the couple and the adopted baby with happiness. "If destitute children get parents then what can be more solacing than this?" An example in this regard is of a childless couple from America, Zain Adam and wife Suhair Adam. They have adopted a baby girl from Edhi Trust and have named her Madina Adam. While talking to You! they expressed their immense joy. Zain Adam said that they live in America but have businesses in Karachi. "By adopting a child here, we had in mind that we could in this way do some welfare too. We could have adopted a child within our family or from America but the amount of satisfaction we have gained after adopting this hapless baby, just cannot be described in words." But this is one side of the picture. Another twist to the situation occurs when post adoption, the couple is blessed with their own (biological) child. When that happens, at times parents cease to remain 'neutral' and for everyone involved what follows is a sequence of psychological disturbances. Added to this, in some instances, other serious problems have been witnessed. Sami, a young lad of 22, returned to his real parents at the age of 20. He said that although he was well loved and looked after by his adoptive parents, who were his uncle and auntie, he always felt a deep void. "Whenever my real mother and I used to come face to face at social gatherings, I used to feel pangs of separation. That's why I went back to my real parents. I miss my adopted parents too, so now I just alternately live at both the places and have been shuttling between my two 'sets' of parents." In such cases, when the child grows up and comes to know about his real parents, he gets disturbed and is struck by divided thoughts. They have a negative impact on the child's mind who then ends up facing emotional trauma, mood swings etc. "The kids feel unwanted and unloved by their natural mothers. And in such circumstance, children experience emotional problems including fear of close relationships, negative ways to be in control, low self-esteem, anger, and immaturity. All this further results in behaviour problems like lying, oppositional behaviour, school underachievement and quick temper. Consequently, they leave the parents and teachers feeling much frustrated." Dr. Mubin advises that it's always best not to lie to the adopted children. "They should be told tactfully at the right time about the reality." All said and done, the repercussions of adoption must be considered and analysed thoroughly by the parties involved before any step is taken.

...in the wake of the Kashmir earthquake - Bilquis Edhi informed that Edhi centre would not be bringing the orphaned Kashmiri children to Karachi or elsewhere. Edhi center would set up a shelter home for them in Kashmir, where the locals will be employed for rearing those children. In this way the children will be able to remain in touch with the local culture, speak the regional dialects and have a homely environment.

- While many childless couples are eager to adopt them, the government has banned the adoption of children for an initial period of six months. The government will setup 'safe homes' and compile data in this regard and form a comprehensive strategy. To a question, one of the government officials told a private TV channel that the orphan children and young girls will also not be allowed to fly for treatment outside the country.

Attention Everyone Who Wants To Adopt But Doesnt Know Where To Start...

"Heres A Smart, Practical |Guide To Finding And Adopting A Beautiful Child Into Your Family!"
"Discover The Risks, The Pitfalls, And The Errors To Avoid In Adopting!"
From: Monday, Portland, Oregon Dear Friend, If you want to adopt a new child into your family, then this will be the most important message you ever read. Heres why. My name is Kent Sayre and Ive written an electronic manual on how to do exactly that. Deciding to adopt a new child into your family is one of the biggest decisions youll ever be faced with in your life. And for that reason, youll want to make sure you do it right. There are many unknown risks and common errors that adopting parents makejust because they dont know. I would even go so far as to sayits a minefield out there that you must navigate. If you miss a step, the consequences could be dire. I know youre excited about adopting. And naturally, you want to do it right. Kent 12:05 Sayre pm

You want to make the adoption smooth, seamless, and make sure it goes off without a hitch. Thats what my electronic manual reveals. I tell you everything you need to knowstep-by-step to adopt a new child into you family. Basically, I give you all the answers to the questions you would ask a real expert if you only knew what to ask. Its covered in my manual. All there. Here's a tiny fraction of what you'll discover in this electronic manual:

A brief history of adoption that you should know How much it really costs to adopt What the experts say about adoption behind the publics back The 4 different methods to adopting How to find a child that will fit with your family 7 common errors you might make in adopting and how to fix them before they happen! Who is forbidden to adopt and who can the answer may surprise you A quick overview of how the adoption will take place Why parents give up their beloved children for adoption How to examine the reasons why you want to adopt How to make certain you want to adopt The crucial differences between domestic and international adoption How to avoid getting buried in mounds of paperwork How to take the perfect trip to find the child you want to adopt (and when) Where to look to see if the agency is legitimate or not

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