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Tuesday 14 February 2012 - Issue 265

How was it for you?

Judith Chriqui offers a few tips on how to have incredibly bad sex after a night out on the town
Its the middle of the night. Your head is pounding. Where are you? Are you in your room? No, youre somewhere else. But where? You check your phone to see what time it is and then you realize that something is on top of you, writhing. Thats right. You are having sex. Its so bad you forgot about it. If only bad sex could be forgotten. Erased. Gone forever. Well, it cant. Because the truth is, youll never forget it. Youll torture yourself for years with every horrifying detail of it, like how at one point you saw them check Facebook. Take a look at these five sure-fire ways to have embarrassingly bad sex.

Hard as concrete
With university being the perfect place for sexual exploration, Richard Law sheds some light on one of the more unusual fetishes
Have you ever approached your local supermarket drooling, not at the thought of the food inside, but the buildings curvaceous exterior? Well, university is the perfect place for sexual exploration, and what could be more experimental than objectum sexuality: the romantic desire for inanimate objects? Erika Eiffel, for instance, married the Eiffel Tower in 2007, but isnt averse to flings with the Golden Gate Bridge, an archery bow, and numerous fences, one of which she keeps in her bedroom. (The Golden Gate Bridge recently received the all clear from the San Francisco VD clinic). Public displays of affection can be awkward in more orthodox relationships, but Erika can never be truly intimate with her partners. She doesnt discuss the problems of procreation, but you can imagine the pain of giving birth to the Berlin Wall and the midwife slapping you afterwards. Reference to the Berlin Wall is not arbitrary, by the way. He is one of her lovers. On a rare visit in this distant relationship, Erika defends her love to the curator of a museum memorialising those who were killed crossing the wall. The curator is naturally repulsed by Erikas infatuation with a structure that was the strongest part in the division of the world. When Erika describes the other objects of her fantasies, we wonder why she invests something inanimate with human emotions and capabilities. Yet, for an absurd moment, we may agree with the curator. Isnt it disgusting to love a wall responsible for such suffering? The cold concrete of the Berlin Wall didnt erect itself, nor was it stood in the dock for crimes against humanity. The very purpose of the objectophiles anthropomorphism is to express a desire for human love without being controlled by humans. Erikas first objectum sexual encounter was with a Japanese sword that she had used to defend herself in a sexual assault. Its unclear if objectophillia is a disorder or a fetish. So, just in case, its useful to remember how often your most life-affirming conversations concluded with a dreamy smile and that old romantic clich: its like talking to a brick wall.

Step One: alcohol

Start drinking. Now. Grab a bottle of whatever. Drink. Chug. Then meet him at a bar. Engage in banal drunken banter: I studied Hospitality. He says to you, like, restaurants and shit? You reply with, Yeah, sure, I like food ... Dont inquire further, hell keep talking, or youll keep talking, or youll throw up in his face, it really doesnt matter. Five hours later he is half conscious on the bed and you are somehow on top of him. You wonder how you had been moving this whole time. You wonder if you moved at all, or if it was just the room spinning.

Step Three: become aware that you are having bad sex
At no point during your intoxicated attempt at intercourse should you be conscious enough to realise you are, in fact, having really bad sex. If this does occur, I suggest you politely ask him to punch you in the face. Just keep moving, and say a prayer to whatever God you believe in that it will soon be over.

The age old problem of intimacy

As Britains population ages, Amelia Edwards argues that old age doesnt mean the end of your love life
With the baby boomers beginning to make their way into their Golden Years, there is one issue which will probably get a lot more publicity very soon: the elderly and sex. At the moment we can more or less rely on our older relatives to keep any of their nocturnal doings strictly to themselves, simply because this is what they have always done. Quite soon we may expect to be presented with a more liberated, more free-speaking elderly generation, and what then? to last night. But that is usually the same with any relative, particularly those who you associate precious, unblemished childhood memories with. Nevertheless, although you might prefer not to picture your elderly relatives having sex, it may be better for everyone that they do. Many studies have shown that sex is very good for people. For example, it is a form of cardiovascular exercise which helps to maintain a healthy heart. It also helps to de-stress people, while long hugs can help to lower blood pressure. All of this is excellent news for any old people you might know, since heart disease is one of the bigger health problems for the elderly. Maintaining relationships is also important for elderly people, and as with the young, sex often comes into that. Being physically intimate tends to make people a lot happier with their partners for a fair while afterwards. If you are retired, and have to spend all day with your partner, that has got to make your life better. So, lets not discourage the elderly from sex. If it makes them happy, keeps them healthy, and they are as responsible as everyone else, then where is the harm?

Step Four: its not your fault

Of course its not, Im not the one who is floundering all over the place. It is my fault, however, that I did not run you over when I first arrived. It is too late for that though, youre too drunk and the sex was bad, merely roll over and try and pretend that he was someone you did want to have sex with.

Step Two: ignore all of the obvious warning signs

A: He boasts of his ability to have sex for hours. When he drinks. If he does this, stop. Stop everything. This is the aged and sadly enduring phenonmenon known as whiskey dick. It is by no way a mask for your rather lacking bed skills. B: If he makes the gangsta rap sign, wilted peace sign, and he is not a rap star (rather he is the furthest thing from it), get out of there. Otherwise you will think to yourself, Why am I here? and never drink again. C: Following on from his inability to be a rap star, if he puts rap music on, and its Snoop Dog, do not engage in sexual intercourse with this man. Snoop Dogs sensual seduction while doing it doggie style is not cool.

Step Five: the mobile number

If he asks for your mobile number afterwards, or if he wants to see you again, do not say yes. Rather,

pretend that you do not speak English. Simply give him a high five, and get the fuck out of there.

Although you might prefer not to picture your elderly relatives having sex, it may be better for everyone that they do
Should we be repulsed at the notion of the elderly having sex? Should people be expected to stop, for the sake of decency, perhaps? I say that the answer to these questions is a huge and resounding no. True, you dont want to hear any exact details about what your grandma and grandpa got up

So there you have it, terrible, heartrending sex in five, easy to follow steps. Next time you go out, make sure and dowse yourself in perfume (the kind that reeks of desperation), throw back one, two or twelve drinks, add in a university night out and before you know it youll be having bad sex in no time.