The princess holds out her cup for more wine while giddily
laughing at the small, furry animals who dart in and out of
the forest darkness, seeking sustenance from the most
smallest of morsels.
PHAVIN
A shame she is not as chaste as she
once was...
FERNLEY
She is still quite fair.
PHAVIN
Aye, Fernley. Denying that is like
swimming whilst being chained to
the bottom of a river.
Fernley licks off his bones and chucks them into the fire.
Their impact into the ashes make embers drift upward,
singeing one of the dwarves’ beard.
FERNLEY
My liege... When is my next portion
due?
PHAVIN
Wait your turn, squire. Are your
manners that absent?
FERNLEY
Many apologies drift toward you, my
liege. But... our last decent meal
was two full and wayworn moons ago.
PHAVIN
So, it was appetite that had vexed
your tongue then?
FERNLEY
Perchance ‘jinxed’ is a more --
PHAVIN
Here.
PHAVIN
Letting the glutton in you run
amok, Fernley?
FERKNALLEN
Time for a game.
3.
FERKNALLEN (CONT’D)
Honorable Phavin, have you brought
it?
PHAVIN
Oh, but indeed I brought it, wee
but noble Ferknallen.
OPHELIE
Chess! How elegant of you, Phavin.
PHAVIN
I hope it’s to your liking.
PHAVIN
A birthday without a game that
matches your wits, is a birthday
not made complete.
OPHELIE
Do not flatter me so.
PHAVIN
Flattering is a feeble
comprehension compared to your
beauty, princess.
FERKNALLEN
You fool!
FERNLEY
I-I am so sorry --
4.
FERKNALLEN
Out of sinew-marble these are
carved! Better not you have tainted
them by your snickering
incompetence.
PHAVIN
Fear not, Ferknallen. Those pieces
have been through eons of history.
FERKNALLEN
(admiring them)
Such artistry...
PHAVIN
Nothing can destroy them. A
crumbling mountain leaves them
unscathed. Fire from a dragons
nostril leaves them cold. Certainly
a clumsy squire, who meant not a
foul or harm, can drop them to no
avail...
FERKNALLEN
Don’t be too sure of that, Phavin,
for the biggest nincompoop can
freeze hell over, to only thaw it
out seconds later, unleashing
misruling chains of events.
(to Fernley)
You unbeknownst dolt!!!
FERKNALLEN
We are missing pieces here, lads.
PHAVIN
How odd...
Phavin goes through his satchel again, but doesn’t find the
missing pieces.
PHAVIN
Trampled cakes and hissless snakes!
FERKNALLEN
Well?
5.
PHAVIN
I could have sworn that the set was
complete...
FERKNALLEN
I suppose it matters not.
(holds up a cork)
We shall improvise.
FERKNALLEN
A white queen...
OPHELIE
Which resembles me only by being
soaked with wine.
FERKNALLEN
A black knight...
OPHELIE
Who will not stand upright.
PHAVIN
We need proper ones.
OPHELIE
No, I need proper ones. You lot can
play with whichever trinket you
like, but I need proper pieces!
(all smiles)
How splendid an idea to have,
Phavin...
PHAVIN
Squire, come.
PHAVIN (CONT’D)
It is time for a nightly learning
that will solidify your beliefs of
all that is gallant, and ramp up
your spirit while doing so.
PHAVIN
Proper pieces, princess? I promise
it will be a fetching most quick.
FERKNALLEN
Mock them not, princess! These are
serious matters!
OPHELIE
It - it is the wine giggling...
Honestly.
FERKNALLEN
Lack of manners, is more like it...
OPHELIE
But I had but mere droplets!
PIXIE
You two. This is no occasion for
spite. Rather we hear music again
than your quarrelling, no?
One of the elves starts strumming his violin. And very soon
it is accompanied by a flute and a pixie-choir. Princess
Ophelie and Ferknallen make amends by having a drink
together.
PHAVIN
It clears away the wine.
7.
FERNLEY
Who lives in a place so foul, it
withers away its surroundings,
stripping bare all that is green?
PHAVIN
He is... without name. But shed
your worries, for he is midway
through hibernation. He shan’t wake
up for another twenty years.
Entombed he is, for now.
FERNLEY
And the flames?
PHAVIN
His servants keep them alight.
FERNLEY
(scared again)
Servants, master Phavin?
PHAVIN
Oh, just imps and whatnot. You
didn’t think that a treasure
chamber is ever unguarded, Fernley?
(points)
It resides there, beneath the
second archway of the center
parapet.
FERNLEY
Next to the watch tower?
PHAVIN
(grins)
No, next to the invitingly empty
watch tower.
FERNLEY
Still, it is an impossible task to
car--
8.
PHAVIN
He has accumulated a fantastic
array of treasures throughout the
years. Some by scouring, but mostly
by pillaging. Rumored to be amongst
them... are chess pieces, Queen
Sahrone’s chess pieces, to be
precise.
FERNLEY
(impressed)
That spins my log.
PHAVIN
And what is fit for a queen, is
more than adequate for our
princess.
Phavin rises.
PHAVIN
We will go. I know of a route.
FERNLEY
Wait!
(scrambles onto his feet)
How did you came about all this
knowledge?
PHAVIN
(pats his satchel)
I have my ways. Now let us make
ours... Run!
FERNLEY
But, my liege, we have no weapons!
PHAVIN
Aye, our presence will be like
stingless wasps! We might buzz, but
we will not prick!
FERNLEY
But then won’t we be swatted --
PHAVIN
Silence!
They traverse the open land between the forest and the castle
quickly and at the best of their abilities, evading moonlight
by staying in the castle’s shadow.
9.
FERNLEY
Moats be damned.
PHAVIN
(whispering)
It appears that the season is on
our side...
FERNLEY
Dried up? Then our luck has started
soon!
EXT. MOAT
FERNLEY
Wait for me!
His hands touch the wall, searching for something. They reach
a peculiar stone, start scratching away the slime around its
edges.
PHAVIN
Just as I remembered, Fernley...
Eh, Fernley?
10.
EXT. MOAT
PHAVIN (O.S.)
Can you at least climb up halfway?!
PHAVIN
Make haste, you most ponderous of
dolts!
Fernley does exactly that. Phavin grabs him and pulls him up.
Together they pry the peculiar stone away from the wall.
Fernley keeps looking at the moat behind him, hearing slime
oozing upward.
PHAVIN
They will fade.
They pull out the stone, drop it, creating a nice step up
into a CRAWL SPACE. They gaze into it: Phavin bravely,
Fernley quivering like a cornered badger. At the end of the
slimy tunnel there is a room filled with bottles of wine.
FERNLEY
A cesspit?
PHAVIN
Nay, too humid. It is a buttery,
hence the bottles, Fernley... In
you go, and let your test of
courage begin.
FERNLEY
I-I... I can’t...
PHAVIN
We shan't disappoint our princess!
FERNLEY
Away to the Dalrusian River with
that spoiled brat! Like she cares
about a game of chess.
11.
PHAVIN
But she is the marrow of mirth!
FERNLEY
Probably as drunk as a blacksmith
after a hard day of work she is by
now... She’ll be in repose once we
return. If we return! Her drowsy
desires are impossible to fathom.
PHAVIN
You can fathom that crawl space!
Fernley scrapes open his bare knees with each crawl forward,
squeezing himself through the smudge. Finally, he makes his
way to the other end, is pooped out into the --
PHAVIN
Drat!
FERNLEY
Master Phavin?
FERNLEY
I shall push you out, and we can
leave this forsaken fortress of
doom.
PHAVIN
No.
FERNLEY
But I can’t continue alone!
12.
PHAVIN
My satchel...
FERNLEY
A map?
PHAVIN
Never leave home without a map to
aid your way...
FERNLEY
This chess piece-quest is getting
too elaborate for me to --
PHAVIN
Go back and wield it! I know it by
heart. I will be right behind you.
FERNLEY
Right behind me?
PHAVIN
(trying to get loose)
I have already forwarded two times
my bodies’ length. Hurry now, the
princess awaits her game. Don’t
twaddle any longer.
FERNLEY
As you wish, master...
INT. CORRIDORS/STAIRWELLS
PHAVIN
Pawless hounds of hell beneath a
sinking ship...
INT. CORRIDOR
He takes a peek.
From the corners of his mouth, black ooze salivates onto the
bed, making it fouler with each passing day.
EXT. FOREST
NITTSKIN
I like to go to the pond behind our
village and leapfrog from submerged
logs to crumbled chunks of masonry
to floating lily pads without any
aid of my wings and --
FERKNALLEN
I LIKE TO DRINK! A LOT!
OPHELIE
Flirting with the court jester, who
is about my father’s age. Oh, and
making juice out of apples! I so
adore doing that.
INT. CORRIDOR
Everything sparkles.
INT. TREASURY
Just when Fernley puts the last chess piece into his satchel,
he hears a loud PURRING sound. He turns around.
16.
!WHAP! A paw snaps around Fernley’s body and pulls him back.
FERNLEY
(soothingly)
There there...
FERNLEY
That tickles!
PHAVIN
Portly winged scoundrels, be gone!
INT. TREASURY
ANYTHING.
INT. TREASURY
A BROADSWORD!
Pandemonium ensues.
18.
It hits stone.
PHAVIN
Exceedingly well done, Fernley.
Phavin tilts his head, slowly peeks into the hole: sees
CHERUBS coming his way. Fernley takes a heroic stance with
his broadsword, poised to strike.
19.
PHAVIN
No! The stone!
With their backs pressed against the wall, Phavin and Fernley
slide down languidly, getting a moments rest as the sounds
slowly fade away.
PHAVIN
The chess pieces... Well done.
(notices Fernley’s
scorched clothing)
Did they try to cook you in there?
FERNLEY
(nodding)
Fire proof undergarments saved my
hide.
PHAVIN
Fire proof undergarments? How in
blazes did you get those?
FERNLEY
Well yesterday I... I...
(he looks defeated)
...traded certain chess pieces for
it. Namely... yours.
PHAVIN
Do not expect any assistance
through the moat this time.
FERNLEY
I won’t be needing that anymore.
Thanks to you, my liege.
FERNLEY
Can’t one be pardoned for the
misgivings of an unguided mind?
PHAVIN
I will forgive, forget even. But
here’s a reminder for the lashing
that you will receive tomorrow.
They totter along tiredly. Fernley spins and twirls his new
found sword.
PHAVIN
So... It had scales? A cat?
FERNLEY
Scales indeed, my liege.
PHAVIN
And what did the...
(stifles laughter)
...cat weigh with it, exactly?
FERNLEY
The cat did not weigh anything with
them. It employs them for when it
hunts for prey... underwater.
PHAVIN
Ah, how clever. Like a fish?
FERNLEY
Like overgrown whiskers attached to
a trout.
Only the TWO DWARVES are in motion, still slaving over the
infinite supply of food and drinks, keeping the fire burning.
21.
Phavin pulls it away from the dwarf, sits down on the other
side of the fire.
PHAVIN
Fernley, come...
THE END