A Glimpse of the Real World

I never dreamt becoming a nurse. All I ever wanted to do was to go in front of the classroom and talk until no one cares to listen. In short, I'd like to be a teacher, to continue the Lazo legacy of teachers. But somehow, my father had his way of telling me that I don't have to shout at the top of my voice to find my corner in the real world. His death from the excruciating pains of salivary gland cancer left an imprint on my young mind, dreaming of that scene every night and waking up to find my eyes sore and dry from tears. Summer of 2003 was quite long and I would have to decide which choice should I stick to... the choice which could either make or break me. That choice became my life. I am moved to tears every time I remember the struggles I faced before earning the right to attach those big letters right after my surname. I had a classmate who announced that I was never good at anything. I had a schoolmate who spread lies that I earned good grades just by being a teacher's daughter at school. I had a teacher who always assigned me to special units she never directly handled because she wanted to hone the skills of those students she could relate well with and who are deemed worthy of her guidance. If you think that I am the holistic nursing student who's respectable to be placed on those highest pedestals, think again. Everyday, I had to fight for my rightful place. The classic rule you encounter in this profession: No one can make you inferior unless you give people permission. My one year employment at a hospital made me face my deepest fears. Those people I deal with are noted for their outright courage, that they can easily provoke a quarrel if they want to. I am a fearful person, I admit. One time, a relative came to the nurse's station asking me for an explanation why I haven't been attending to her patient. Though I know that her accusation was false, I explained in the sincerest and calmest manner I know of. Of course, I wasn't able to convince her of my argument thereby, she humiliated me in front of nursing students and the clinical preceptor. I was laughing after she left because she doesn't understand how much I wanted to attend to her patient. Though no words of apology were uttered on her part afterwards, she soon became friendly and after her patient was discharged, she thanked me for my effort. When people don't see what you're trying to do and tell, you don't have to give up. They would soon realize that what you do comes from the humane nature of wanting to care. That's why my lifelong motto is: Try and try until you succeed. An impediment as to why I'm not that good in administering my skills when I was a nursing student was because of my negativeness. Add that fact that I have the hands the size of that six year old kid. When I was assigned as staff nurse at the wards, I knew my hands were headed for disaster. Most of the time, I had a buddy who is a midwife or a nursing aide, so it is expected that I perform most of the nursing skills, like administering IV medications, initiating an IV line, attending to a code blue and others. In this hospital, you are trained to be an all around nurse, even if if you have to attend to 25 30 clients at most. When I'm on duty, I notice that most of patient admissions are on my shift. I always ask myself why am I so toxic... Though it is believed that having birthmarks in the butt is bad luck (it's because I have one... sorry!), I avoided that misconception. Having that license gave me the authority to perform what is expected of me. Though I have a lot of mishaps in the beginning, like writing five incident reports for two patients who absconded,non-endorsement of the doctor's professional fee and being absent because of my private affairs, my faith in myself never wavered. I always remember what a staff midwife said to me when I was at my most disappointing moment: It's for my own good that I serve. When I don't do anything, I won't see my worth. I won't be competent, too. The confidence in me eventually grew and my co staff, who are ever so amiable and kind now depend on me to act judiciously in the most crucial periods of patient care. These small hands could now serve for a multitude. What makes me happy right now is the opportunity to grow as a person in this profession. I am that clingy type of person, someone who won't move until my Mama asks me to do so. When I moved

away from the comfort-free life, I had to re-learn how it is to live on my own (read: doing the household chores). Back in my first few days, I would call my mother and tell her that I miss her and afterwards, I cry. The reality of independence sank in me when my youngest brother who has been away from home for four years exasperatingly told me: Grow up! Hahaha! Now, the bunso is acting like my father scolding me. I scoffed at first, but then the reality bug hit me. Instead of whining how unfair my life is, I learned how to manage my time, my money and my efforts to something more productive. When I have saved something for myself, I use it to attend to continuing education programs (CEPs). It is in these programs that I learned how to expand my friendship base because most of the time, I go out alone to attend to these updates. It is in these interactions where I met fellow nurses with interesting backgrounds. Everywhere, I now find it easy to communicate with someone in my league, even if they are total strangers. I have hit two birds with one stone. In short, I learned how to be open to changes. For now, I don't have to mind if I haven't achieved the developmental task of intimacy vs. isolation for adults. Maraming iba dyan. Hehehe... I still have my own choices. Eventually, the lure of going abroad for greener pastures would occupy my mind. Though most of the people I've talked to pressure me to apply now, it seems the time is not yet right. What I do right now keeps me wanting to stay. I want to focus more on correcting my weak points and strengthening my strong points. I still want to make sure that my family would continue to believe that even if I am the only daughter alive, I could still make a difference in my life, in the virtue of independence. I still want to experience how to it is to be shuttling back and forth to Manila, visiting my brothers, friends and cousins, fixing my own necessary documents for employment and doing my rounds of malling and partying. I have to feel what it is to live my own life independently because I know, when I would be working abroad, I won't have the luxury of time to do the things I enjoy most. When I have done the things I have wanted to do ever since I turned 18, that will be the best time to decide to stay... or leave. My father was right to appear in my never ending rendezvous of dreams. My mother was right in permitting me to move to another place. To the people who continued to love and support me, I want to thank you for your incessant attitude in dealing with my zaniness. The real world might be harsh but with the faith that the good Lord accords to everyone, I have fought the inevitable. To quote from a magazine, the man of tomorrow is forged by the battles today. To nursing colleagues, you should not let your guard down. Learn to be initiative and always look back to the people who have helped you be where are now. Because you'll never know, the very persons who placed you on top would be the very persons you'll see when you're at the bottom. Now that you've caught a glimpse of my real world, I ought to continue my own journey. Till then... :)