Modern Family Spec Script "The Sleepover" Written By: Kenny Condon

Kennym.condon@gmail.com

ACT ONE INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING Phil is reading the newspaper as Claire puts breakfast on the table. Alex looks to Phil. ALEX Dad you might be the only person in the world today who still reads the NEWS on PAPER. PHIL (points to paper) This right here is Americas past-time. ALEX Pretty sure thats baseball. PHIL Whatever. Its in the past. (defensive) Its relative and important. Luke enters with a Disney themed sleeping bag of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. LUKE I found this in my closet, what is this? Claire moves towards Luke. CLAIRE Oh my God I completely forgot about this! She grabs it and shows it to Phil. CLAIRE Phil remember we got this sleeping bag for him as a joke when he was going through the "GRUMPY" stage. PHIL (to Claire) What kid didnt want to wear socks as a toddler, still cant find one.

(CONTINUED)

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2.

ALEX (to Phil) Wow. That implies you go looking. LUKE Inside jokes at an early age could have really messed me up. You guys lucked out with me. ALEX We dodged a bullet there. Luke sits down at the table. PHIL Hey honey if I were a "Dwarf" which one would I be? Claire lifts her finger about to speak. abruptly while texting on her phone. HALEY Mom dont answer that. PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL Everyone remembers their first sleepover. The anticipation, the thrill letting your guard down as you sleep in a foreign environment. Its something you dont forget. (beat) Much like war from what I hear... INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS PHIL Whos holding the festivities my man? Luke is chowing down on french toast. LUKE Samantha Johnson. She lives right around the corner so I can walk it. Unless my shins start acting up again then I might need a lift. Haley enters

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CLAIRE (cleaning dishes) Samantha? Thats a strange name for a boy. The family averts their eyes away from Claire. PHIL AND CLAIRE INTERVIEW CLAIRE (frazzled) Co-ed sleepover? Oh yes.

3.

Oh no.

PHIL I think its fantastic.

CLAIRE (to Phil) Im sorry what? When was your first co-ed sleepover honey? PHIL Our wedding night. CLAIRE Thats right. PHIL Didnt get much sleep though. He nudges Claire. CLAIRE I did. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Luke is at the base of the stairs holding the sleeping bag under his arm. Phil is right beside him. LUKE Did I say something wrong? PHIL Of course not, why would you think that? Luke peaks over Phils shoulder. LUKE Because moms looking through all my baby pictures and its still light out. (CONTINUED)

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4.

(beat) And she doesnt have a glass of white wine in her hand. Phil takes a peek at Claire in the kitchen. PHIL Oh shes fine. Shes just overreacting, but I didnt tell you that. Luke nods. PHIL (CONTD) Its your first sleepover. Get excited! Its a big deal in a young mans life. LUKE I guess. Phil grabs the sleeping bag from him. PHIL (CONTD) Lets find you a cooler one. a Rambo theme? LUKE Whats a "Rambo"? Phil hugs Luke. PHIL (whispering) Growing up so fast. EXT. JAY AND GLORIAS HOUSE - MORNING We pan towards the house. INT. JAY AND GLORIAS HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Jay is at the kitchen table squinting at the Scrabble board game in front of him. Gloria enters. GLORIA Jay its a beautiful day outside. Come let us go for a walk. Maybe

(CONTINUED)

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5.

JAY Yeah give me a minute. GLORIA You said a minute twenty minutes ago, Ive been waiting for half an hour. JAY Close enough. GLORIA You are obsessed with that stupid game, now come on get up! Gloria tries to get Jay off the stool. JAY Youre going to need to put your back into it if you want to get any satisfaction out of this. Manny enters and covers his eyes. MANNY Not where I make my Cordon Bleu! Gloria gives up and lets go of the stool. JAY How did I end up with so many Ws? MANNY Jay I gave you more than enough time. JAY Yeah, just give me one more minute. Wheres the fire? JAY INTERVIEW JAY I am a very competitive person by nature. Its how I was raised. My father taught me never let your guard down even in the most mundane situations imaginable.

6.

INT. FOOD STORE - PAST Jay is in the vegetable section. He sees another customer eyeing the last watermelon. He quickly grabs a cauliflower and throws it down the isle to cause a distraction. The man looks away. Jay grabs the watermelon. JAY INTERVIEW (CONTD) JAY (V.O) Because when you think about it, its the smallest feats that determine who you are as a man. INT. COFFEE SHOP - PAST Jay is in line to get coffee. first. The customer in front orders

CUSTOMER Yes Ill have a grande Caramel Macchiato with a hint of cream pleaseJay interrupts. JAY (to worker) Make mine a vente, no cream, all caramel, no need for a coaster my calluses naturally diminish the heat. The worker looks at Jay. WORKER (to Jay) Sir, Ill get to you in a second. JAY INTERVIEW (CONTD) JAY Make them scared. INT. JAY AND GLORIAS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Gloria takes Manny into the other room. GLORIA This needs to stop.

(CONTINUED)

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7.

MANNY The mans longest word so far is "Fiat" and I didnt have the heart to tell him it was a proper noun. He puts this on himself, poor guy. JAY (O.S) (yelling) A Wawa! Thats a bird isnt it?! INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Cameron is on the computer. Lily is beside him. is getting ready to leave for work. MITCHELL Hey a few of the guys want to go out for a drink tonight with a new client. An Italian with a six pack to TAN for. Mitchell laughs. Cameron is unenthusiastic. CAMERON Have fun. MITCHELL OK whats wrong? Even the video with the baby on a trampoline didnt get a reaction. CAMERON (looking at computer) It was obviously staged Mitchell, the cinematography was gorgeous. Mitchell walks up to Cameron. MITCHELL Youve been glued to the computer this whole weekend. CAMERON AND MITCHELL INTERVIEW CAMERON Look, I am a stay at home parent. I chose this path. Mitchell

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MITCHELL Hmm...did you? CAMERON (CONTD) But that doesnt mean Im useless or a pushover when it comes to contributing to this family. MITCHELL OK, correction, no one ever said you were useless or a pushover. Taking care of Lily when Im gone is a job in itself and I am fully aware of that. CAMERON Well I guess every family needs a backbone. MITCHELL And I am happy to take that responsibility. Cameron motions a hand gesture. INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

8.

Mitchell is over Camerons shoulder looking at the screen. MITCHELL (reading) Pretty in Portfolio...sounds about right. CAMERON They let you pick your own user name. Why that wasnt already taken I dont know. CAMERON INTERVIEW CAMERON Day trading is the perfect fit for me. Little known fun fact; I received my associates degree in Business Finance simultaneously as I went through Clown School. So come to me if you want to crunch numbers and find out how many clowns you can really fit in that car. Im very anal like that. MITCHELL INTERVIEW (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MITCHELL (affirmation) He said anal didnt he? END OF ACT ONE

9.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS MITCHELL Is this a personally funded venture orCAMERON Does it matter? MITCHELL Well I like eating. CAMERON Oh I see. You dont trust me with our money. MITCHELL No. (beat) Yes, I dont. CAMERON 500 dollars to start, thats all Im asking. MITCHELL 400. Consider it charity. CAMERON 450. Trading fees build up. MITCHELL 425. Final offer and Im going to be late. CAMERON 600. Cher FAREWELL TOUR final and I set the clocks 10 minutes fast for times like these. Mitchell starts to walk out the door. MITCHELL 550! Case closed, change back the clocks, and dont bring Cher into this!

10.

Cameron smirks. EXT. SAMANTHAS HOUSE - DAY Phil, Claire and Luke are on the porch. doorbell. PHIL (to Claire) Look happy. CLAIRE (to Phil) I am happy. PHIL (to Claire) Your foot looks like it has a motor. Claires foot is tapping furiously. the door. A young girl answers They ring the

SAMANTHA (to Luke) Oh hey Luke! Perfect timing. We just ordered pizza and got some cookie dough. LUKE Awesome! Its the best when uncooked. Claire slides in between them. CLAIRE Hi Sam. PHIL (correcting Claire) Its Samantha dear. CLAIRE It is so nice to see you again, weve met once before. SAMANTHA Yes I remember you from the parent teacher meeting. You asked a lot of questions.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: PHIL Howdy ho Samantha Jo. Lukes dad. SAMANTHA (to Phil) Hey! (to Luke) Youre right he does look like Shaggy with short hair. Phil strokes his hair.

11.

Im Phil,

Samanthas parents come to the door.

THE JOHNSONS Phil and Claire Dunphy! PHIL Hello...you two! Phil and Claire Interview CLAIRE Phil is terrible with names. PHIL I couldnt remember Claires name until our 3rd date. I had to steal the receipt from dinner just to keep as a reminder. CLAIRE (looking up) Oh yes I did pay for that meal. EXT. SAMANTHAS PORCH - CONTINUOUS CLAIRE So whats the sleeping arrangement going to be like? Same room, separate room, across the hallway, guest roomSAMANTHAS MOM Oh well leave it to the girls to decide. CLAIRE Girls? SAMANTHAS DAD Yeah Luke isnt the only one staying over.

(CONTINUED)

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CLAIRE But there are other BOYS staying over. SAMANTHAS DAD Nope, I think Lukes the man of the house tonight. Claire struggles to say something. PHIL (to Luke) OK well we have to head out, but we shall see you tomorrow buddy. You have everything, right? Phil takes out a notepad. PHIL (CONTD) Your toothbrush, toothpaste, nasal spray, underwear, extra underwear, Q-tips, pillow, protection(to Claire) by protection I mean the pillow case for his pillow. Samantha and Luke head inside. CLAIRE (to Luke) Luke you call me if you need anything or you can always run home. PHIL (to Claire) Did he bring contact solution? CLAIRE He doesnt wear contacts. INT. SAMANTHAS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Samantha looks at Lukes sleeping bag. theme. SAMANTHA What is that? LUKE Its sleeping bag. thing. Its a 90s Its a "Terminator"

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: We hear a few girls in the background giggling. SAMANTHA Were going to start with the Notebook tonight, ever see it? LUKE Ive seen a notebook. INT. PHIL AND CLAIRES CAR - DAY Claire is driving. Phil is in the passenger seat.

13.

PHIL Look, we cant help that Luke is a ladies man, its in his jeans. CLAIRE He must have borrowed a pair. PHIL OK that was a good one. Phil goes for a high five, but Claire ignores it. CLAIRE Phil, have you given him the talk? We talk. PHIL Were best friends.

CLAIRE You are a father first, a best friend second. PHIL We talk about a lot of things. Like will there be cars that can drive other cars eventually. Or my favorite, who would win in a fight? A giant ant or a shrunken anteater? Pick your poison. CLAIRE Tomorrow you talk to him. And you find out what hes feeling. PHIL Of course I will. Its his first sleepover, I want to know everything.

(CONTINUED)

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CLAIRE (under her breath) More like a slumber party. PHIL You dont forget your first sleepover. CLAIRE Why do you keep saying that? You need to stop. PHIL OK you need to stop. CLAIRE Excuse me? I will not stop until I get answers. PHIL (yelling, pointing) No. No. You really need to stop. Car! Claire sees a car crossing in front of her. CLAIRE Oh Jesus! She slams on the brakes. EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS The car is stopped. Phil pleads.

PHIL (to Claire) Dont hurt anybody. Claire forcefully gets out of the car and starts walking to the other car that went through the stop sign, it is stopped in the middle of the road. CLAIRE (walking) Hey buddy! Was the stop sign not red enough for you to see, do I need to put another one beside it! I will paint this town red! Phil is trailing behind her.

(CONTINUED)

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15.

PHIL God help whoever is in that car. Claire goes up the the driver seat window and starts knocking. CLAIRE Come on lets take a look at ya. The window is tinted and begins to draw down. Dad? CLAIRE What are you doing? Its Jay.

He leans toward Claire. JAY Alright look, I will give you 100 dollars in cash right now and this never happened. Phil creeps up from behind. PHIL Think about this Claire they have these new coffee makers that make coffee quicker and they look really cool...think about the coffee. Claire sees Jays phone on the dashboard. CLAIRE You were texting werent you? PHIL Honey your dad doesnt text hes way too olJay looks over to Phil. PHIL (CONTD) (stuttering) awesome to be doing that. JAY I was searching the internet looking for words that start with W. CLAIRE Why?

(CONTINUED)

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16.

JAY I appreciate the help, but that will only get me 10 points. I need something more. CLAIRE Where are you going? JAY Glorias sending me out to pick up red velvet cup cakes. Its a ploy to get me out of the house. CLAIRE You need to give that game a rest. JAY This is no game. Jay starts to roll the window up. CLAIRE Dont forget dinner this Friday. JAY Ill bring the cupcakes. Jay drives away. PHIL (to Claire) They now have different flavored coffees in a cup and you just place the packet in the containerCLAIRE I know Phil! Ive seen it, Ive seen it. INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS HOUSE - DAY Cameron is at the computer with Lily on his lap. CAMERON (pointing to screen) Look Lily see this? This one is priced at 6 dollars a share and is only valued at 4 dollars a share. So that means this is overvalued. And its parent company is JC Penny, so you know its exterior may have some flash, but (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CAMERON (contd) the internal workings are very cheap. LILY Im thirsty. CAMERON OK, you stay right here and let me fetch you something.

17.

Cameron gets up to go to the kitchen and Lily stays on the chair near the computer. She grabs the mouse. She clicks the mouse around. LILY Look what I did Daddy. Cameron rushes back to take Lily off the chair. CAMERON Lily sweetie this is not a toy. Heres your juice, go sit down. Cameron sits down and looks at the screen. CAMERON Oh dear. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Claire is in the kitchen cooking a pot of soup and Phil is on the couch with a blanket over him, Haley and Alex are also on the couch. They are watching a scary movie. Moments later we hear the microwave beep. PHIL Thats the kettle! He quickly gets up to get it. HALEY (to Alex) This is lame I want to go out with my friends. ALEX (to Haley) Why do you have the urge to go out every night?

(CONTINUED)

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18.

HALEY (to Alex) You dont get it, when you find friends youll understand. Phil passes Claire. PHIL Smells good honey. CLAIRE Maybe I should call the Johnsons. PHIL No you shouldnt. He plops himself back on the couch between Haley and Alex. PHIL (CONTD) Alright what did I miss? Haleys phone goes off. HALEY (on phone) Hello, yes? (beat) I would love to do that thing with you right now. She gets up and leaves the room. PHIL (to Alex) I wonder what Lukes doing right now? INT. SAMANTHAS ROOM - NIGHT Luke is in the middle of the couch wrapped up in his sleeping bag with the five girls surrounding him. They are watching a movie and eating ice cream. LUKE (to Samantha) Why wouldnt she stay with him? What they had was so real. SAMANTHA (to Luke) But was it really real Luke?

(CONTINUED)

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19.

LUKE (pondering) I dont know. INT. BAR - NIGHT Mitchell and his colleagues are out with a potential new client. Its towards the end of the night and they have been drinking. The Italian client, Marco, yells for the waitress. MARCO One more round! He looks around to the other guys, pointing. MARCO One more round? MITCHELL You know its getting pretty late and I have a little one. MARCO One More! Mitchells phone rings. MITCHELL Sorry fellas Im going to have to take this. He heads towards the back of the bar near the bathroom. INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS Mitchell is leaning on the side of the door talking on the phone. MITCHELL Hey I am trying to get out of here, but Balboa is going all 12 rounds. CAMERON Lily bought 100 shares of stock. MITCHELL Should I ask "why" or can I assume that you will explain.

(CONTINUED)

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20.

CAMERON (upset) I left her alone on the computer and she got clicker happy and bought an overvalued stock. Mitchell chuckles. CAMERON Do you find this funny? MITCHELL Of course not. Its the sugar in the Mojito. CAMERON You were right Mitchell. This was a bad idea. I was in way over my head. MITCHELL Its seriously fine. Dont worry.

CAMERON I know, but its the principle and I hate losing. MITCHELL Who knows maybe the stock will surprise you and spike up. CAMERON Its a company that makes tassel accessories for prom shoes Mitchell, there can only be so much growth in an industry like that. MITCHELL Markets fluctuate. CAMERON Yes and so do seasons. Its down 50% from what Lily bought it at. MITCHELL Missed that, what? CAMERON OK see you soon. Cameron hangs up.

21.

INT. SAMANTHAS ROOM - NIGHT The girls and Luke are sleeping. Its pitch black. Moments go by and Lukes eyes open. He sits up to look around. His face displays shock. EXT/INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DAY Luke and Phil walk into the house. PHIL (Arnold Terminator voice) Look whos back! Claire comes from the kitchen. CLAIRE Luke honey how was your night? LUKE It was good. CLAIRE Oh...well thats good. Claire glances over to Phil. PHIL (to Luke) Here let me help you with this? He grabs the sleeping bag and starts to walk upstairs. LUKE Its not that heavy, but OK. PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL Detective Dunphy on the scene. INT. LUKES ROOM - CONTINUOUS Phil puts the sleeping bag in the closet, Luke sits down on his bed. PHIL So tell me what did you do?

(CONTINUED)

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LUKE We watched movies and ate junk food. Phil sits down next to Luke. PHIL Sounds awesome. Must have been awesome. Was it awesome? LUKE Yeah. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Claire is peeping through the door, eavesdropping. INT. LUKES ROOM - CONTINUOUS PHIL OK, well Im glad you had a good time and I will see you downstairs when you decide to come downstairs. Phil gets up and slowly heads for the door. LUKE Hey dad? Phil turns around with haste. PHIL Yes? Ask me anything or tell me anything thats on your mind I am your father and your friend, in that order. He pats Luke on the back. LUKE I have to ask you something, but could this just be between me and you. PHIL Lay it on me. Luke whispers into Phils ear.

23. INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Phil opens the door and sees Claire peeking around the corner. PHIL (whispering) Are you spying on me? CLAIRE (whispering) What did he say? PHIL (whispering) Nothing. He had a good sleepover, we can lay it to rest, no pun intended. CLAIRE (whispering) He didnt say anything else? PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL He said something else. END OF ACT TWO INT. JAY AND GLORIAS BEDROOM - NIGHT We hear Jay in the shower. Gloria comes into the bedroom and sees the Scrabble game resting on the bed. She moves towards it. Jay comes out in a towel with the water still running. JAY What are you doing? GLORIA I saw a bug on your board game so I was trying to swat it away. JAY What kind of bug? GLORIA A big one? Jay picks up the board game and brings it to the bathroom.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: JAY Im just going to leave it in here. You never know when the inspiration will hit. INT. PHIL AND CLAIRES BEDROOM - NIGHT

24.

Phil is in bed, Claire is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. PHIL Hows the soup coming along? CLAIRE It will be ready by tomorrow. (beat) I guess I did get a little worked up over the sleepover. PHIL Yeah I was thinking, maybe you could toss some meat or some juicy black beans in your soup. CLAIRE You snuck a taste already. does it not have flavor? What,

PHIL No, no, it has flavor I just think maybe its lacking substance. (beat) Are there spices added? CLAIRE Yes Phil there are spices in the soup. What is the problem? PHIL The problem is that I love you too much. Claire gets into bed. Phil kisses her then grabs an oatmeal cookie from under the covers. PHIL Want a midnight snack? CLAIRE No thanks its all yours babe. Claire turns the lights off. Its pitch black.

(CONTINUED)

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25.

CLAIRE How long was that under there? INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS HOUSE - DAY Cameron is face first on the bed with his head in the pillow. CAMERON Whats the damage? Mitchell is on the computer. Cam? MITCHELL Youre green.

CAMERON I know because Im going to throw up. Is there a trash bag in reaching distance or a diaper? Either one will do. MITCHELL No. Your account is in the green. Cameron perks up and gets out of bed. computer. He goes to the

CAMERON That doesnt make any sense. How is that possible, I saw Lily buy it. MITCHELL She didnt buy it, she shorted it. So you made 250 bucks. CAMERON She must have been really listening when I told her my evaluation. MITCHELL Yes or she just wanted to click the mouse. She is 3. MITCHELL AND CAM INTERVIEW Lily is on Cams lap. CAMERON Not going to lie, it was stressful at times, but I have no (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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26.

CAMERON (contd) regrets. And I think a very special girl deserves a very special gift from the Gap. MITCHELL One day of day trading. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY Phil sees the light on in the bathroom, he advances towards the door and then opens it fast. Dad! HALEY What are you doing?!

Haley is brushing her teeth, we barely make out what she is saying. PHIL I am so sorry sweetie, I thought I smelled something funky coming from over here. HALEY Like what? He sniffs. And looks to the vents and the ceiling. PHIL You dont smell anything? HALEY Ah, no dad, do you mind? PHIL You didntHALEY I didnt what? PHIL Nothing. It must be coming from somewhere else. PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL Luke witnessed a girl pass gas. There I said it. And how can I help him cope if I never experienced it myself? The twenty (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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PHIL (contd) years Ive been with Claire and not once. Its time to get my hands dirty. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT The door bell rings and Claire opens the door. and Manny. CLAIRE (to Gloria) Hey wheres dad? GLORIA I dont know. Why dont you ask his flat chested lover. She moves to the side so Claire can see Jay walking up cautiously to the door with the Scrabble board in hand. JAY INTERVIEW JAY I have 4 letters left and Manny is all out. All I need is one more word. Ill get some grub in my stomach, fuel the tank and finish this thing by dessert. MANNY INTERVIEW MANNY I never tried so hard to loose at something. (tosses hands in the air) I cant win. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS GLORIA Here I brought cupcakes. She hands them to Claire as she walks passed her, flustered. Its Gloria

28. EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER We see Cam and Mitchell walking up to the door with Lily. Lily is in a turquoise blue gown. Cam is holding the back up so she doesnt trip. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS Claire reacts to Lilys dress. CLAIRE My, Lily looks nice. (to Mitchell) Whats the occasion? Cameron walks up to Claire. CAMERON If you have it, dont hide it Claire. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Mitchell sees Jay with the Scrabble board beside him on the table. MITCHELL Whats this doing here? CLAIRE (to Mitchell) You know about this too? MITCHELL Yes, I played him. It took a week to finish one game. JAY OK I am going to leave this board over here. He places the board in the living room. JAY (CONTD) Touch it and youre out of the will. Going to the little boys room. Phil, Ill take the Merlot. PHIL Yes sir. Jay leaves the room. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CLAIRE Raise of hands, who here has played a game of Scrabble with Dad?

29.

Everyone in the room raises their hands, including Luke. CLAIRE (CONTD) OK keep your hand raised if you beat him. Everyone keeps their hand up. GLORIA (to Luke) Really? CLAIRE Oh this makes much more sense. Haley and Alex enter the kitchen. HALEY Dinner ready? GLORIA Alex have you played your Grandfather in Scrabble? ALEX Yeah. GLORIA Did you win? ALEX What do you think? GLORIA (to Haley) And you? HALEY He kinda sucks at that game. GLORIA Great. So everyone here has beaten him except Manny. Everyone looks at Manny. CLAIRE (to Manny) You know what you have to do.

(CONTINUED)

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30.

MANNY Its out of my hands. last move. CLAIRE INTERVIEW

He has the

CLAIRE My Dad does not like to lose. And if Haley and Luke can beat my father in a vocabulary game then maybe the Mayans are right about everything. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Everyone is seated at the dinner table. have a glass of wine, except Claire. All the parents

CLAIRE Phil, why did you get me glass of soda? PHIL Oh I could have sworn I heard you say you wanted soda. Nope. PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL This is happening. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Claire is eating the soup and notices something odd. CLAIRE (to Phil) There is brisket and chunks of potato in this Phil. Did you add this when I wasnt looking? MANNY Mine is mostly broth, should I be concerned? PHIL (to Claire) (MORE) (CONTINUED) CLAIRE Wine would be great.

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31.

PHIL (contd) Oh that was the experimental bowl, we had leftovers and I thought why not. Do you like it? CLAIRE Actually... (chewing) its pretty good. PHIL (smiling) I had to get rid of it somehow. JAY (to Claire) It was lovely dear.

Excuse me.

Jay leaves the table and goes into the living room. GLORIA And there he goes. Haley notices Lilys gown. HALEY Wow Lily thats a very beautiful dress. ALEX Its a very bright dress. CAMERON Well she deserves it, you know how day trading can be. MITCHELL (to Cameron) No, they dont. CAMERON (CONTD) You have your ups and downs. Fortunately for us gravity was on vacay. CLAIRE (looking at Lily) Vacay in the Bahamas it looks like. CAMERON (to Claire) Try Island of Capri. Come on Claire youre better than that. (CONTINUED)

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32.

Phil is egging Claire on. PHIL You want seconds? CLAIRE Im not even done my first. GLORIA (to Jay) Jay! Manny told me he quits because his head hurts. You win! (to Manny) Right Manny? MANNY Um, yeah, my head is having a headache. Automatic disqualification. JAY (staring at board) Im too close. No backing out now. And Manny doesnt get headaches, only sinus pressure from whole milk. MANNY (to Gloria) He knows me too well. Claire takes another spoonful. PHIL There we go...good. Phil grabs the spoon and tilts it up to Claires mouth. CLAIRE (to Phil) Will you stop that. Luke hasnt touched his soup and is very quiet. CLAIRE Whats the matter Luke? hungry? LUKE I have no appetite. Not

(CONTINUED)

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33.

PHIL Luke is full from all that fun he had at his FIRST sleepover. MITCHELL I miss those days. You know, at what age does the term sleepover transfer to "spending the night?" ALEX Dont like where this is going. CAMERON Its a dying tradition. I blame technology really. (points to Lilys gown) But I reward technology for THIS, just rest your hand on this material. GLORIA In Columbia we didnt call them sleepovers, more like headcounts. MITCHELL Well I can not wait for Lilys first sleepover, its going to be Disney Princess extravaganza. CAMERON (to Mitchell) It wont be your day lets keep that in mind. PHIL I remember my first sleepover. The table is expecting a story. PHIL (CONTD) Thats it. HALEY Cool story Dad. ALEX Its really not a big deal. CLAIRE Well when your first sleepover is a co-ed sleepover then its a big deal.

(CONTINUED)

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34.

Claire takes a gulp of her wine. Jay is still in the living room trying to find a word. He overhears. JAY Co-ed sleepover. GLORIA Jay get over here! JAY Not a chance. MITCHELL (to Luke) Co-ed gathering. CAMERON Thats a different beast. CLAIRE Um no. Its the same beast. is no change in beasts. CAMERON (to Luke) What was the ratio? LUKE (to Cameron) Math is not my strong suite. PHIL My son was the man of the house. (He spells the letters out) P. I. M. Claire interrupts. CLAIRE P-lease someone pass me the bread. PHIL (to Claire) We have extra garlic and olive oil in the garage. Just throwing it out there. CAMERON Sounds like a fun slumber party. CLAIRE (to Cameron) No. Not a slumber party. go that far. There That a boy!

Lets not

(CONTINUED)

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35.

CAMERON Im not going far. Only brought my carry-on this flight. PHIL (to Claire and Cameron) Easy you two, the plane you boarded crashed and you both died on impact. MANNY Little dark for my taste, but I got it. MITCHELL (to Luke) Oh you must have so many questions. CLAIRE No, he had a pleasant and normal sleepover. Alright people? CAMERON He saw girls after hours. seen things now. Hes

CLAIRE Luke has seen his sisters after hours, no difference. HALEY Um, eww. PHIL (to Claire) Are you sure you dont want seconds? CLAIRE No Phil! I want you to help me release some tension in this room right now. PHIL (to Claire) Believe me I am trying. JAY (O.S) Boom! Jay jumps up.

(CONTINUED)

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36.

JAY (CONTD) I spell "fart!" Phil jumps out of his seat. PHIL (to Claire) Ah ha! He called it! I knew you couldnt resist! Only a matter of time! CLAIRE What!? Jay comes back into the kitchen with the board game. JAY "Fart" for 22 points and the win. PHIL Oh boy. MANNY Congratulations Jay. (shakes his hand) You beat me fair and square. MANNY INTERVIEW MANNY Oh whats this? He reaches in his pocket and pulls out extra letters. MANNY (CONTD) I guess I forgot I left these in my pocket. He tosses them behind his back. INT. DUPNHYS HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER CLAIRE (to Phil) Are you accusing me of putting my foot on the gas pedal! PHIL Who else could it be Claire? You were the only one who had the experimental bowl.

(CONTINUED)

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37.

CLAIRE Oh my god. Oh my god. me to.

You wanted

JAY This is not how I thought my victory was going to pan out. CLAIRE With the oatmeal cookie, the soda, the beans in the soup. HALEY (to Phil) Is that why you spied on me in the bathroom? To see if I was a silent killer? CLAIRE Wow, what? Cameron points to the cupcakes. CAMERON Not to change the subject, but are these cupcakes up for grabs yet? CLAIRE No, let me have some. what Phil wants. I bet thats

Claire stuffs the cupcake in her mouth. PHIL OK this has gotten way out of hand. GLORIA (to Phil) You find some pleasure with a womans release? That is sick. JAY Well when you say it like thatCLAIRE (mumbling) Why Phil? Why? PHIL (to Luke) I was trying to help Luke, sorry buddy.

(CONTINUED)

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38.

CLAIRE In what way, shape or form would that help Luke. PHIL Because hurricane Johnson did damage at the sleepoverCAMERON (whispering) Slumber party. PHIL (CONTD) and he came to me for advice. And I had nothing. (to Claire) Youve never passed gas in front of me so how can I be a father figure slash role model to my son if Ive never heard or smelt a womans breeze. PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL This is ACTUALLY happening. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS CLAIRE Well Phil you are right about one thing. Luke will never forget his first sleepover. PHIL I wouldnt know because I never had one. LUKE (to Phil) Really? PHIL (to Luke) Thats why I was so excited for you Luke. I wanted to live through your experience. Its what all dads do when they miss out on something special.

(CONTINUED)

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39.

ALEX Sleeping over a house thats not your own? LUKE Its OK dad. You can live through my experiences any day. PHIL Thanks buddy. They hug. Claire gets the hug later.

LUKE INTERVIEW LUKE I guess I should be phased by all this. But Im really not. And I think thats what scares me the most. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER JAY Come to think of it Gloria, have you ever in front of me... GLORIA Have you? Mitchell and Cameron look at each other. MITCHELL Oh hell no. CAMERON Amen. Lily shrugs. Haley and Alex look at each other. HALEY I never. ALEX Me either. Manny comes up to Luke. MANNY Congrats soldier. Luke nods. (CONTINUED)

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40.

JAY INTERVIEW JAY Being a competitive person is never a bad thing. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT We see Mitchell and Cameron and Lily coming through the front door in pajamas and sleeping bags. JAY (V.O) (CONTD) But Ive come to realize that every once in a while its good to let your guard down. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT Gloria is also in her pajamas. She tucks the board game on a shelf all the way in the back so no one can find it. JAY (V.O) Because if you take seriously, you will time cherishing the (CONTD) things too have a hard little moments.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS The whole family is in their pajamas and getting ready for bed. JAY (V.O) (CONTD) Those are important. JAY INTERVIEW (CONTD) JAY (CONTD) And its nice to have that balance. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT The whole family is passed out. Phil and Luke are on the floor eating cupcakes watching a movie. Its pitch black, the light from the TV reflects on their faces. PHIL This is so awesome.

(CONTINUED)

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41.

LUKE I know, right? We are the only ones awake right now. Phil looks to the TV. background. We can hear a movie in the

PHIL I cant believe I have never seen this. LUKE Oh its a tearjerker. They continue to chow down the cupcakes. his head. PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL You never forget your first sleepover. END OF SHOW FADE TO BLACK. Phil rubs Luke on