By
Contents
Interpersonal Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Exercise 1: Work as a Team Exercise 2: Communicate with Diverse Populations Exercise 3: Feel Empathy Listening Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Exercise 4: Remember Names Exercise 5: Listen for Content Exercise 6: Overcome Bad Habits Speaking Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Exercise 7: Be Specific Exercise 8: Use Open Questions Exercise 9: Speak with Variety Exercise 10: Follow Directions Exercise 11: Use Strategies to Communicate Successfully Exercise 12: Understand Body Language Exercise 13: Use Proper Grammar Exercise 14: Use Gestures Effectively Exercise 15: Use Eye Contact and Space
Telephone Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Exercise 16: Improve Your Telephone Voice Exercise 17: Speak Clearly Exercise 18: Focus on the Phone Exercise 19: Improve Your Telephone Environment Exercise 20: Handle Problem Calls Exercise Answers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Exercise 7: Be Specific Exercise 8: Use Open Questions Exercise 13: Use Proper Grammar Questions
If youre speaking with someone for whom English is a second language, speak clearly with easy-to-understand language. Avoid using words, phrases, or analogies that wouldnt be understood. We need to light a fire under him, would sound strange to someone who was taking you at your word. Think of some expressions in English that wouldnt make sense to a foreign visitor or coworker. For example, Catch you later, may not make sense to someone from a different culture.
Be aware of etiquette differences among other cultures. Learning as much as you can about diverse cultures can keep you from unfortunate cross-cultural misunderstandings. Without some background information, would you know that a Chinese businessperson would be offended when given a gift by a business associate? Did you know that people from many cultures look away when speaking, so as not to insult you? Theyve learned that its rude to look you straight in the eye. Yet, without realizing it, you might judge them to be dishonest. Use hand gestures and other forms of nonverbal communication carefully. Hand signals and gestures arent universalthey mean different things in different parts of the world. For example, an okay gesture (making a circle with your thumb and forefinger) means everything is OK in the United States, but not in Germany. Be tolerant and patient with accents and grammatical mistakes. You might be speaking with someone who is very intelligent and extremely capable, yet he or she might make simple pronunciation or grammatical mistakes when speaking in a second language. North Americans take it for granted that people from all over the world speak English. The next time you feel yourself becoming annoyed or amused by someones attempts at English, ask yourself if you could communicate as well using their native language. Be gracious and accepting of different styles of dress. What is acceptable business attire to you seems completely foreign to someone from another culture. Its said that variety is the spice of life, and no where is that more true than in the individual way we clothe and adorn ourselves. Such diversity can be a colorful, exotic break from the norm (Figure 3).
FIGURE 3Exposure to diverse languages, customs, and dress helps to make our lives more interesting.
Each time you learn more about another persons culture and background, youll become more effective in communicating, because youll know more about that persons culture and will be able to see some of the challenges the person faces in communicating with you.
With this exercise, youll need two friends or associates to work with you. One of you will be the person with a problem, one will be the empathic listener, and the other will be the observer. The observer will have a pen and paper to write down observations on the person demonstrating empathy. To begin the exercise, the person with the problem will share it with the empathic listener. Its the listeners responsibility to keep the person talking about his or her problem by showing empathy. Give the person three to five minutes to share the problem and the listener to respond in an empathic way. Then have the observer give his or her reactions to the way the person showed empathy. Remember that empathy is demonstrated by the following traits:
r r r r r
Willingness to listen without interrupting Giving feedback that doesnt judge the persons actions Looking at the person and leaning slightly towards him or her as that person tells his or her problem Asking open questions to get more information and to keep the person talking Nodding your head and looking concerned as you listen
After the observer makes comments on the characteristics above, the talker will make observations about the one who was empathic, and then the empathic listener will react to how the talker did. Then change positions so that another person is the empathic person and a different person is the problem teller and another is the observer. Repeat the process of giving the person three to five minutes to share the problem with the empathic listener, who will encourage the person talking. At the end, repeat the process of giving feedback to the one showing empathy. Then repeat the process for the third time, so that each person has an opportunity of practicing empathy. By the third time, youll become more natural in showing empathy and appreciating how important empathy is in effective human relations.
Listening Skills
We spend more time than we realize each day listening. We listen to the radio on the way to work; we listen to coworkers at meetings during the day; we listen to friends at lunch; we listen to our children, spouses, or friends after work. But how much of what we listen to do we actually process, remember, or respond to accurately? Not listening properly can mean missed appointments, school plays, or flights. Poor listening is costly both personally and professionally. Effective listening does wonders to improve interpersonal relationshipspeople need to be listened to and understood. To be a good, effective listener, you must actively listen to the speaker so that you can feed back the information youve been given. When the speaker is finished, you should be able to summarize what he or she has just said.
CThen as you process the name, connect the name with the face. Maybe its hair color, bright eyes, or a smile, but draw a bridge in your mind between the name and the face. EDuring the conversation express the name three times. Begin the conversation by mentioning the name. Im delighted to meet you, Mary. In the middle of the conversation say, Mary, what kind of work do you do? Finally end by saying, I hope to see you at the next meeting, Mary. SDuring the conversation, work to see a picture that demonstrates in your mind the name of the person. A person named Carole, for example, might motivate you to picture a person singing a carol. Practicing the A.C.E.S. approach will encourage you to use your listening skills to remember names.
Perhaps begin this note-taking approach by dividing a sermon or lecture youre listening to into 10-minute segments. At the end of each segment, write down a sentence summary of what has been said and then do the same for the next ten minutes, repeating until the speaker finishes. This will encourage you to listen for content and avoid materials that distract you from the main thoughts.
You need a partner, preferably someone who is also concerned about increasing his or her interpersonal skills. Find a place where you can carry on a conversation without being easily distracted. Tell the person you want him or her to share a problem with you. Youre going to be the listener. As the listener, you cant talk except to ask a clarifying question. You cant give advice or interrupt for any reason. When the other person finishes telling you his or her problem, youre to summarize the heart of the problem in two or three sentences. Remember, you cant give advice; you can only summarize the problem. To help you do this exercise well, remember the following effective listening techniques. 1. Think of how the subject is of interest to you, or how you could use the information. 2. Concentrate on what the speaker is saying, not how he or she says it. 3. Avoid distractions and use body language to stay interested.
4. Think while youre listening. Use the time to summarize whats being said and to listen between the lines for suggestive tones and messages. To help you concentrate as you do the exercise, ask yourself while youre listening, What is the point of the problem? Also, review in your mind what he or she has said. Remember, whenever that person stops talking, its your turn to summarize. So you must stay on track. You cant be doing other things as the person is talking to you. You cant take notes as the person speaks. Youre seeking to develop skills in concentration so that you can listen more efficiently. When youve summarized without giving advice, then its time to switch positions. The problem teller becomes the problem summarizer and the problem summarizer becomes the problem teller. Repeat the process. When both of you have finished, then discuss what went well and what could be improved. This exercise will help you learn ways to be more attentive and less easily distracted as you listen to the other person.
Speaking Skills
How often have you heard, Its not what you said, but how you said it? You might be very excited about a new project or idea, but when you speak to your coworker about it, you get the sense that the person is bored with the project already. Your tone of voice says much more about you than you may realize. We spend more time than we would care to admit to nagging, whining, and complaining. Be aware that people judge you on the quality of your speech. Remember, being an effective communicator depends as much on the presentation as on the content.
Exercise 7: Be Specific
One common communication barrier we face is being too general or vague with word choice. We tend to use phrases like Get that to me soon, or You did a fine job. Neither statement is specific, and the person receiving the message may miss the point youre making. To demonstrate how difficult it is to identify specifics in messages, fill in the blank for the following questions. 1. How many are a few? ______________________________________ 2. How many are several? ____________________________________ 3. How many are a bunch?____________________________________ 4. How many are many?______________________________________ 5. How many are a lot? _______________________________________
Its frustrating to seek to identify a specific number for each of the previous questions. The difference between a bunch and many is in the mind of the person talking or listening. To avoid possible confusion by being too vague, try to use language that indicates an action or something that can be observed. In the previous questions, be more specific than a bunch or a few so the receiver can better visualize an amount. We can see two people for a few or twelve for a bunch. This activity will motivate you to concentrate on the person and help you eliminate distractions that make you lose track of the message and your response to it. After the following sentences, write down a specific rewording that indicates either a specific action or observation. 1. What does Do it soon mean? ______________________________ 2. What does Thats close to the curb mean?___________________ When youve written your answers, check them against the answers given at the end of this supplement.
10
_____ 7. Do you like to take people with you on vacation? _____ 8. Do you enjoy meeting new people on vacation? _____ 9. Why do you like to take vacations? _____10. How do you handle work responsibilities when youre on vacation? When youve written your answers, check them against the answers given at the end of this supplement.
11
When he or she finishes, paraphrase the directions to your partner to check for accuracy. Repeat this exercise two or three times with different people and locations until these techniques have become a habit.
12
FIGURE 8Be prepared to respond when asked how your work is going.
1. Begin your script by responding with a very positive word such as Great, Fantastic, or Terrific. People dont want to hear about your problems or any illness you might have. 2. Once youve given a positive response, follow up with a statement of what youre looking forward to accomplishing that day. Im looking forward to working on the XYZ company project, or I think we may get to finish the XYZ company project today. 3. If youre just passing by in the hall, that may be enough, but if youre in the elevator with the person or youre in the same waiting room, you might then give a short narrative of what youre doing. We get the drawings back today, and we can find out if they match the outline weve already made. 4. Sign off with a pleasant, Hope you have a good day, too! These points developed into your script will leave a positive impression on the person with whom youve just spoken. This brief response allows for follow-up questions that the boss might have, or it stands alone if theres not time or it seems inappropriate to pursue the topic. Try it out on a friend and see how long it takes. Practice using different phrases, but keep in mind the positive adjective to begin with, the anticipation statement, and finally a brief description before signing off.
13
14
6. (May, Can) I read your letter from Mom? 7. Cincinnati is (farther, further) east than St. Louis. 8. (Fewer, Less) people voted this year. 9. This ice cream tastes (good, well). 10. The woman (who, that) won was very happy. When youve written your answers, check them against the answers given at the end of this supplement.
15
Youll need a friend to give you feedback on how well you do this activity. Tell your friend that you want to practice using gestures to deliver your ideas more powerfully to others. Explain to your friend how to do something. Tell your friend that you must use gestures to help explain the process. For example, explain how to make a pizza, change a tire, play the harmonica, or eat corn on the cob. Explain to your observer and critic that if you give a descriptive idea without using a gesture, he or she should stop you and remind you to use the gesture. When you do use gestures, exaggerate them so that theres no doubt that youre using the movements to reinforce or describe your process. After the person has given you feedback on your use of gestures, try it again, but this time tell your friend a story and find places where you can use gestures to help tell the story. This will be more challenging because youll have to be more creative in finding places to use gestures. For example, if you talk about taking a trip, make yourself use a gesture that shows you traveling down a road. Show the curve in the road with a hand movement. When you refer to yourself while on the trip, point to yourself as you speak. Any description in your story should include a hand gesture or movement that reinforces the description or action. Your story could be an embarrassing moment in your life, an experience that taught you a lesson, or a story that made a significant change in your life. It should be a story you feel comfortable telling and one that you know well so that you can concentrate on using gestures to tell your story. When youve finished, ask the person to give you feedback on where you might use more gestures in telling the story. Also, have him or her tell you when you best used gestures in the telling of the story. Finally, tell the story again and include the suggestions your critic gave you in the first telling of the story. By this time youll find that the use of gestures to help deliver your message will be much easier and more natural.
16
FIGURE 10Experiment to discover how comfortable people are when standing at different distances.
leave the store, write down observations about the reaction of the person of whom you made the request. Then, go to a different store and again find a stranger to make a similar request. But this time when you make the request, look the person in the eye and move to about four feet away from him or her. When you leave the store, write down your observations and compare notes with the first time you did the exercise. The third part of this exercise is to make a request of a person you know well; perhaps someone in your home or work setting. In both situations, begin by looking away and standing very close to the person. As the person responds to your request, look directly at the person and move to the four feet distance. When the request is answered, tell the person about your experiment with eye contact and space and ask for the persons reaction to your different behavior. Once theyve given you their reactions, tell them about your written reactions to the strangers you made similar requests of. By combining your written observations with the discussions you had with the people you know, youll be better able to understand the importance of eye contact and appropriate personal space when youre talking one-on-one.
17
Telephone Skills
There are few people in the industrialized world who dont use the telephone daily. Whether youre calling to check on your mother, making reservations for dinner, or sealing a million-dollar deal, you need to successfully communicate your feelings, requests, or positions effectively. Youve learned that people form an opinion about you from how you present yourself. This is especially true when speaking on the telephone, where your voice is the only means by which people can judge you. Its essential, both personally and professionally, to be able to communicate effectively via the telephone.
18
There was once a thistle sifter named Christopher and next door to him lived Peter Piper, the pickled pepper picker. Unfortunately, Christopher often thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, and Peter, while pickling peppers, often got pickled himself. They would often have to go to the sea shore to put the thumb in the bubbling waves to lessen the powerful pain. Practice speaking the paragraph above until you can say it with clarity. Then, as you speak on the phone, youll find youll have much better enunciation and pronunciation.
19
make sure that your telephone surroundings encourage you to communicate effectively. First, just observe the location of the phone(s) in your office or home. What surrounds your phone, and how are the furniture and equipment arranged around the phone? Whats on the desk or table or wall where the phone is located? Is the phone easy to get to from anywhere in the room? Once youve made these observations, here are some suggestions for rearranging the surroundings so that you can more easily communicate by phone. 1. Place your phone opposite the hand you use the most. That is, if youre right-handed, the phone should be on your left. If youre left-handed, the phone should be on your right. By positioning the phone that way, you can easily take notes with the hand you normally write with. Youre more likely to take legible notes when its convenient to do so. 2. Have a notepad and pen wherever you have a phone. Even if you dont have to take notes, having the notepad there will encourage you to take a note instead of doing a task thats also on your desk or table. Every phone in your office or home should have a pen and pad nearby to encourage you to note any pertinent information from your telephone conversations. 3. Place the phone where youre not easily distracted by people walking by or machines making noises that attract your attention away from your telephone conversation or make it difficult for you to hear. Put the phone where you can stare at a neutral object that wont make you think about irrelevant things. You need to be able to concentrate on what the other person is saying to you. Your surroundings should be as calm and as quiet at possible because this environment will be apparent to the listener. If your surroundings are chaotic, youll have difficulty concentrating, speaking calmly, and giving your listener the attention they desire.
20
4. Tape a smiley face to the front of the phone to remind you to look pleasant as you talk. As discussed earlier, the smile on your face comes through in your speaking voice (Figure 13).
FIGURE 13Remember that a smile and pleasant attitude create a lasting impression on your caller.
5. Place the phone where its easy to stand occasionally as you talk. Of course, thats easy if the telephone is attached to a wall, but even if its on a desk or table, have enough room around your chair so that you can stand comfortably as you speak. Standing occasionally will put more energy into your voice and allow you to use more gestures so that you can be more persuasive as you communicate with the person on the other end of the line. Making these environmental changes will improve your ability to concentrate and to express yourself more freely when talking on the telephone. By improving your concentration and your expression, youll retain more information when the conversation is over.
21
1. When you can tell that the person is angry or emotionally involved, simply ask the person to give you more information. Im not sure I understand. Would you give me more information? Usually the person will repeat the problem and give you valuable time to think about how you want to respond. Having the person repeat the problem will also help to get the problem out of his or her system and will help to diffuse his or her anger. 2. Pause when the person is finished. Often this will motivate him or her to say more. At the least it will show the other person that you really care about listening to his or her point of view. Often what the person wants most is simply someone to listen to him or her. 3. Ask a question about something the person has said. Again, youre getting more information and allowing the person to talk. An example might be, Where did this happen? or Are there other people involved? You want to show that youre interested and trying to get to the heart of the problem. 4. Then say, I can appreciate that that would make you upset, or I can understand that this matter is very important to you. You dont need to use the exact wording, but you want to say something that lets the other person know youre trying to empathize. 5. After youve responded to the ways suggested above, then you can tell what youll do to help solve the problem or make the person feel better about the situation. Whatever you do at this point, give him or her specific information. Dont give the person a vague response that doesnt actively say anything. 6. When ending the conversation, say something positive, such as, The next time this happens well avoid the problem by. . . If possible, let the other person know that his or her concern will be taken care of in the future. 7. If the person gets nasty with you, ask that he or she call back when he or she has had time to cool off. No person should take verbal abuse from anyone. With these techniques in mind, ask a friend to call you with a problem or complaint so you can try out some communicating techniques youre given in this exercise. Dont allow the person to tell you the problem before he or she calls you. Let it be a surprise to you so you can imitate a real situation as much as possible. When the phone conversation is over, talk about what happened with your partner. Did your partner feel listened to? Did he or she feel that you effectively dealt with his or her problem? Use your partners evaluation to improve the way you handle your next problem phone call.
22
23
6. May When you ask permission may is correct; can indicates ability. 7. Farther When you refer to physical distance, always use farther. 8. Fewer Fewer refers to things that can be counted. 9. Good Good should be used with descriptive joining verbs such as look, feel, sound, and taste.