Not Hope, but Forgiveness The 7th Stage of Grief for Broken Relationships Seven stages of griefa very

useful model when loved ones dieis also useful when relationships break down, with one exception. When a friendship is broken, the first six stages fit well. Just as with a death, the six stages occur in no particular order and often recur with much individual variation. 1. Shock and DenialWhat just happened? Is it really as serious as he seems to think it is? Am I missing something? This cant really be happening after all weve been through and all weve shared and meant to each other over the years. 2. Pain and GuiltThis is so painful and sad! I cant figure out what I did or didnt do to get to this place. Im afraid. Hes been such an important part of my life; what will I do without him? Ive been such an important part of his life, or I thought I was, he will need me and I wont be there for him. What will he do without me? I cant believe the identified issue is bigger than all we meant to each other. 3. Anger and BargainingThe move from sadness and pain to anger is often healthy and helpful. Anger is sometimes hard to find when a relationship was formerly loving and meaningful. Anger, though, relieves the sadness and oddly brings peace of mind. It redirects emotions in a way that allows us to move on when we feel rejected and abandoned. 4. Depression, Reflection, LonelinessThese feelings may reoccur months after the event that ended a relationship. It is important to experience the feelingsI wish I could call and share this joy/sorrow/thought with him. I know he would smile/express comfort/share insight. I wonder if he has these feelings, too. I wonder if he moved beyond anger or if hes stuck there. 5. The Upward TurnWe adjust to the absence. We make new friends, deepen existing friendships, find new people to share joy/sorrow/insight. Life goes on and is better even in some ways. Were more careful and wiser, perhaps, in our choice of friends.

6. Reconstruction and Working Through-- In hindsight we recognize the problems with the broken relationship that were there all alongit was one sided, we cared for someone in sickness, we helped them financially, we were always available and eager. Now we realize there were times when our friend did not provide the joy or opportunities or support they might easily have supplied. There were promises made to share, to teach, to engage us in their life and pastimes that they never fulfilled. Now others are present with us to share and teach and engagewe move on. 7. Acceptance and HopeThis 7th stage in the model does not entirely transfer from grief caused by death to grief caused by a broken relationship. There is acceptancean awareness of the reality the friend is lost. We may initially make careful overtures just to check to see if there is really no hope for reconciliation. With death, there is no hope of return so hope focuses on restoring life, planning a future without the loved one. When a friend is lost, there is hope focused on restoring life, planning a future, but no matter how final it may seem, hope remains. Hes not dead! What if he wants to be my friend again? How will I respond? What is hes afraid to seek new relationship with me? 8. ForgivenessAn 8th stage is necessary in the process of recovery from loss of a friendship. It may also be necessary and helpful when a loved one dies. When our friend is not dead, but lost to us because of a broken relationship, forgiveness always plays a role. We may or may not understand all that caused the breakit may be about us, it may be a projection of anger misdirected at us, it may be about chaos and dysfunction in our former friends other primary relationships, it may be due to overt or covert pressure to reject us from someone else in our friends life. We may well never know. It is important, however, to forgive our friend. Forgiveness need not be something that occurs through interaction with our friend. Forgiveness occurs inside us as we accept the circumstances and determine to move on. Forgiveness will not be rushed; it takes time. How will we know when we have forgiven our former friend? We know we experience

forgiveness when we are able to pray Gods best intentions in our friends life. Our prayer is not: I want the best for my former friend, God, and let me tell you exactly what that should be! Our prayer for one we truly forgive is: I want the very best for my former friend, O God! Give him all the joy and health and happiness he needs in this lifetime. May he find loving relationship, peace, and a strong sense of well-being. May he know your loving care alwaysin times of joy and in times of sorrow. May he, at the last, find himself in your presence forever and ever. Amen! Forgiveness takes time. I am confident it is possible for it to come to each of us. I know it comes for me. I have trouble moving from pain to angerthat may be the hardest part. The anger is healing, though, when it comes. I drift around in the stages of grief, but one day I realize Ive forgiven my former friend. I pray Gods best intentions in his life. I let go of hope for a renewed relationship and I ask Gods blessings on him. I want him to be okay without me. I know I will be okay without him. I let him go. The unspoken farewell is bitter sweet, but peace and joy come and all is well for me, and, I hope, for him, and for those we love.