Strengthening Relationships

A Life Skills Workshop Presented by Student Counseling Services

To have a friend, be a friend.

Friendship is not won by the giving of things, but by the giving of the heart.
--- Roy Lessin

Relationship: the state of being related. Related: 1. connected by some understood relationship. 2. connected through membership in the same family. The key is CONNECTION.

Relationship Assumptions
1. Successful relationships are basic to successful living. 2. Keeping relationships healthy deserves a high priority. 3. Your marriage or significant other is your most important relationship. 4. You can learn to understand how to make your relationship work.

Types of Relationships
Family relationships Occasional (anonymous) relationships clerks, waiters Casual relationships (acquaintances) some people at work, professors, classmates Friendships people with whom you seek interactions, whose company you enjoy Romantic relationships passionate, emotional connection, usually reciprocal

Aspects of Friendship
Keeps confidence Loyalty Warmth/affection Supportiveness Frankness Sense of humor Willingness to make time for me Independence Good conversationalist Intelligence Social conscience

Six Rules for Friends

Share news of success with a friend. Show emotional support. Volunteer help in time of need. Strive to make a friend happy when in each others company. Trust and confide in each other. Stand up for a friend in his/her absence.

Development of a Close Relationship

Zero contact Stage 1: unilateral contact Stage 2: bilateral contact Stage 3: mutuality

Intimacy in Communication
Person 1

Person 2

Clich Conversation

Intimacy in Communication
Person 1

Person 2

Clich Conversation

Facts, Others Ideas

Intimacy in Communication
Person 1

Person 2

Clich Conversation

Facts, Others Ideas

Your Ideas & Opinions

Intimacy in Communication
Person 1

Person 2

Clich Conversation

Facts, Others Ideas

Your Personal Ideas Information & Opinions

Intimacy in Communication
Person 1

Person 2

Clich Conversation

Facts, Others Ideas

Your Personal Ideas Information & Opinions

Feelings About Each Other Now

Close Relationships
Relatively long-lasting Frequent interaction Mutual activities Impact of interactions is strong

Marriage is not just a happily ever after ending, but a lifetime of I choose to love you beginnings.
--- Matt Anderson

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

Dr. John Gottman

A lasting marriage results from a couples ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.

Styles of Marriages
Validating
Volatile Avoidant

Validating
Listen and understand each partners point of view Value other while disagreeing
more like problem-solving discussions negotiate compromises

Value we-ness of relationship Risk: passionless arrangement

Volatile
Fight on grand scale--make up on grand scale Highly engaged with each other See selves as equal parties in relationship Easily express feelings, opinions, & thoughts Risk: slide into too much fighting

Avoidant
Conflict minimizers Agree to disagree--shove it under the rug Low level of companionship High degree of autonomy Risk: Encountering problem too big to avoid

Emotional Ecology
Need to strike a balance of positive/negative
magic ratio: 5 to 1

Healthy marriages represent three ways of adapting to achieve the balance Unhealthy marriages which do not adapt can be recognized by warning signs:
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse

Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling

Criticism
Attacking someones personality rather than behavior Blaming & accusing
You statements

Different from Complaining

I statements

Present to a degree in all relationships

Contempt
Criticism with intention
deeper, more personal attack

Includes
insults & name-calling hostile humor & mockery body language

Results in decay of admiration or positive feelings for partner

Defensiveness
Elicited by criticism & contempt Includes:
denying responsibility --making excuses disagreeing with mind reading --yes-butting cross complaining --Rubber man/woman repeating self --whining

Result: obstructs communication--conflict escalates

Stonewalling
Communication shutdown Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness Found in men more than women

Cycle of Negativity
Four horsemen are hard to tame If unchecked, downward spiral/cascade occurs Flooding occurs--system overload Chronic flooding leads to distance/isolation cascade

Strategy for Improvement

Calm down Speak nondefensively Validating Partner Overlearning--try & try again