Marriage and Family Interaction

HPER F258
Kathleen R. Gilbert, Ph.D.

Positive relationship between marital

satisfaction and couples ability to
communicate
Not lack of communication, per se, but the
quality of communication

Problem if destructive (put-downs, negative

messages)
Quality not quantity

In your small groups, discuss the

following:
What are your thoughts on these two
statements:
It is important to be completely honest in a
relationship.
Sometimes, its better to skirt the truth than to
be completely honest.

Is there ever a time when its better to be

dishonest in a relationship?
How does the relationship recover when a
dishonesty is discovered?

Ideas, feelings shared with another person

Sent through both channels
Consistent vs. mixed messages

Are channels consistent?

Can become a power thing (what do you mean
Im not clear. Youre always saying that!)

Person who constructs message and

attempts to send it
Generally what we think of as someone
communicating
May be intentional or unintentional
Arguing with spouse is intentional; children
hearing argument may be unintentional

Person who receives the message sent by

the sender
Listener (but more active than that)
May be intentional or unintentional receiver
If unintentional, may be no way of clarifying
what was meant

In order to send message, must first

organize thoughts/gestures/phrasing so that
they can be understood by the receiver

Receiver makes sense of message by

decoding it into feelings, intentions, and
thoughts that mean something to him or
her
May be difficult because decoder (listener)
filters message through own perceptions
and must cope with the filters of the
sender and the environment

Two basic forms of information

Cognitive Information
thinking part

Affective Information
feeling part

In your small groups discuss article #10,

New Technologies What are your thoughts
on the use of the internet as a tool for
finding dating and mating partners? What
might be communication strengths and
weaknesses of the internet for this purpose?

Gender differences
Males tend to focus on cognitive elements
Report talk
Focus is on problem solving and on end result
More likely to use communication for competition

Females tend to focus on affective elements

Rapport talk
Focus is on the process rather than an outcome
More likely to use communication as a tool for
communication or for advancing the relationship

Generational/age differences
Power differential is at issue
Differences in ability to communicate
May speak different first language
Developmental ability to communicate
Normal for childrenbut remember that elderly may have had stroke or
other communication problems

Content what is communicated

Style how it is communicated

Different colloquial language (slang)

Used to create and maintain the separateness

Secret language
Can be used to maintain a separation from others

Verbal communication (digital)

Think of a digital clock

Spoken words
Can break it into communication bits
Words, phrases

What you would see in a transcript of a

conversation
What is communicated, not how it is
communicated
Only makes up 35% of message (at best)
(Satir)

Non-verbal communication (analogic)

Think of an analogue (face) clock

body language the messages you
communicate using your body
Paralanguage tone, phrasing
We can only guess at some of this, much is
implied and approximate
It is impossible to not communicate
Even silence communicates a message

Most affective communication is done

through non-verbal means
Because it is non-verbal, it is subject to
misinterpretation
How it is communicated, not what is
communicated

Placater -- pleases, apologizes, never

disagrees, no matter what
Blamer fault-finder, dictator, boss
who acts superior to others
Computer - very correct, very
reasonable, shows no semblance of
feelings
Distracter - does or says irrelevant
things to whatever anyone else is
saying or doing

Leveler - straight-forward communication,

no games, verbal and non-verbal
communication is in congruence

Discuss the form of communication you

saw as you were growing up.
Thinking back to your childhood family, do
you recognize any of the functional or
dysfunctional communication patterns?
Are there other ways of communicating that
you recognize that are not included in Satirs
categories?

Four horsemen dont indicate the end of

the relationship but are warnings

Attacking someones personality or

character rather than a specific behavior,
usually with blame
Often starts with complaining (which can
make marriages stronger) bad when it
becomes overriding focus of
communication or wont let go of past
transgressions (gunnysacking)

Intention to insult and psychologically

abuse partner, verbal and nonverbal
messages are contemptuous.
Includes negative thoughts about partner.
Focal point of the relationship becomes
abuse (insults and name calling, hostile
humor, mockery, body language)

Both feel victimized by other and neither

willing to take responsibility for setting
things right.
Both feel innocent, denying responsibility,
making excuses, disagreeing with negative
mind-reading, cross-complaining,
repeating themselves

Go from poor communication to shutting

down
Conveys a message of disapproval, distance
and smugness
Very upsetting for speaker (especially if
stonewaller is a male)

In order to compensate for their

disproportionate effect, it is necessary to
have a ratio of 5 good interaction
elements to compensate for 1 negative
one
Includes verbal and nonverbal elements
E.g., positive expressions, conciliatory gestures,
really listening

If it lowers below 5 to 1, there are problems

Hand in to your discussion leader:

Identify one point that you found helpful in
this lecture.
Identify any point that was unclear.