Why You Do The

Things You Do

Chapter 8: God and You, Embracing

the Relationship that Transcends all
Others

Early childhood
songs:

1. My God is so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY

2. Zacchaeus was a wee little man and a wee little man
was he.Zacchaeus, you come down!
3. Jesus loves me this I know.
4. Deep and wide, deep and wide
5. If your happy and you know it clap your hands
6. God is so good
7. The wise man built his house upon the rock.
8. O be careful little eyes what you seefor the Father
up above is looking down in love

Two Questions:

What is your perception of

God?
When do you interact with
God?


What is your perception of
God?
Exercise

Attaching to God

1. Seeking and maintaining a proximity to

God.
2. God as a safe haven.
3. God as a secure base.
4. Feelings of loss or perceived
abandonment by God
(Separation Anxiety)

(Ainsworth, 1985, Kirkpatrick, 1999)

What influences your

current relationship
(perception and

interaction)
with
God?
Past

1.
2. Present
3. Future
4. Compensation Hypothesis (Kirkpatrick, 1997,
1998,
1999) and/or the Correspondence Hypothesis
(Brokaw & Edwards, 1994, Edwards & Brokaw, 1995,
Hall, Brokaw, Edwards, & Pike, 1998).
(Bowlby, 1969 Attachment Theory; Ainsworth, 1985
Four criteria; Kirkpatrick 1999 Attachment to God)

What influences your

current relationship with
God?

1. Compensation Hypothesis the relationship to God

can compensate for deficient caregiver and/or adult
romantic bonds.
2. Correspondence Hypothesis the attachment
style
an individual has will be consistent across types of
bonds: caregivers, lovers, and God.
(Bowlby, 1969 Attachment Theory; Ainsworth, 1985
Four criteria; Kirkpatrick 1999 Attachment to God)

What influences
your

current relationship with

God?
Your story.

I.

Your Relationship Style

and God: Responding to
Stress

During times of stress:

A. Ambivalent Relationship Style (High Anxiety)
1. Feel rage at God but are consumed by self-incrimination
and excessive self-blame.
2. Turn away from God and turn to success and any or all
relationships.
3. Intensely seek intimacy. In doing so, they believe
they
can avoid separation from others and even death.

B.

Your Relationship Style

and God: Responding to
Stress
Avoidant Relationship Style (High Avoidant)

Move away from God and cling to

1.
possessions,
success, or their addictions.
2. Self medicate their pain by pursuing sinful
habits.
3. A common response, Just as I expected, God
cant
be trusted.
4. Avoids intimacy and dampens emotions in
personal relationships. Closeness brings fear
of rejectioncannot measure to the standard.

Your Relationship Style

and God: Responding to
Stress

C. Disorganized Relationship Style (High Anxiety/Avoidant)

1. Life crises are just a continuation of their life story of
loss.
2. Believe God is malicious like their early caregivers
were.
3. Individuals can use both avoidant and ambivalent
responses. They often go numb, feeling as if the world
around them is not real.
4. I cannot trust others and I cannot trust
myselftherefore, I cannot trust God.

A Continuum

HIGH ANXIETY

SECURE

HIGH AVOIDANCE

HIGH ANXIETY: Highly preoccupied about abandonment,

extremely anxious in relationships.
HIGH AVOIDANCE: Highly avoidant in relationships, overly selfreliant, downplay intimacy.
SECURE: Shares feelings with people appropriately, able to
understand and respond to others feelings, balances need for
intimacy with need for achievement and success.

A Continuum

HIGH ANXIETY

SECURE

HIGH AVOIDANCE

HIGH ANXIETY: Highly preoccupied about abandonment,

extremely anxious in relationships.
HIGH AVOIDANCE: Highly avoidant in relationships, overly selfreliant, downplay intimacy.
SECURE: Shares feelings with people appropriately, able to
understand and respond to others feelings, balances need for
intimacy with need for achievement and success.

Attaching to God

1. Seeking and maintaining a proximity to

God.
2. God as a safe haven.
3. God as a secure base.
4. Feelings of loss or perceived
abandonment by God
(Separation Anxiety)

(Ainsworth, 1985, Kirkpatrick, 1999)

Your Relationship Style

and God: Responding to
Distress

D. The Secure Relationship Style

The secure person:
1. Can feel devastated, angry and sad.
2. Can struggle with survivors guilt.
3. Can spend hours praying to God asking the
question why?
4. Can feel vulnerable, lonely and afraid.
5. Cry out to God and run to His open arms.
6. Due to experiencing Gods secure base,
they are
able to look at their tragedy differently.

Your Relationship Style

and God: Responding to
Distress

7. Can face their pain and grow with it.

8. Can see Gods hand working things for good,
although they are forever affected by the
tragedy.
9. Understand that although their pain may
never be gone, they can always press closer
to God.
10. Can consciously and courageously invest in
close relationships, but holds on to them
loosely.
They understand that the relationship will
end.

Making My Relationship
With
God a Top
Priority

We can and should exhibit these characteristics in our

relationship with Christ. How do I get there? I
understand the principles but when I experience
stress, I tend to go into autopilot and revert
back to what is familiarmy attachment style.
The key to changing a relationship style is
to change your head knowledge.

Practicing the Spiritual

Disciplines to Strengthen
Your Attachment

A. No Pain, No Gain
1. Disciplines may produce
uncomfortable
feelings like anxiety or intrusive
memories
about past trauma.
2. But sometimes turmoil is necessary.
3. Because pain is often involved,
practicing
disciplines requires courage and the
willingness to endure the necessary
cost to
achieve something greater.

Practicing the Spiritual

Disciplines to Strengthen
Your Attachment
B.

C.

Searching the Scripture

1. Steeping ourselves in Scripture prepares us

for everything life can throw at us.
2. Psalm 119:105, Thy word is a lamp unto
my
feet, and a light unto my path.
Solitude
1. Quiet time with you and God
2. Involves a retreat away from the
distractions
and normal routines of life.
3. This is powerful for those with ambivalent
and disorganized relationship styles.

Practicing the Spiritual

Disciplines to Strengthen
Your Attachment

D.

E.

Silence
1. This is the essential ingredient of solitude.
2. Silent touches can bring freedom from the fear of
abandonment.
3. It also helps people who need frequent praise and
adoration from others to find peace in silence.
Simplicity (Mindfulness)
1. This stops us from complicating our lives with our
pace and possessions.
2. Simplicitys goal is to help us seek God first.
3. It allows us to see how blind we are to the
strength
and control that material possessions have over

Practicing the Spiritual

Disciplines to Strengthen
Your Attachment
F.

G.

Secrecy
1. Keeping successes, accomplishments, and
good qualities secret.
2. This goal helps us to focus on God, not
adoration of people.
Simple Prayer
1. 1 Thessalonians 5:17, pray continuously
2. We are always looking for Gods presence,
His comfort, and His security.
3. Prayer connects us with God the same
way
crying connects babies and mothers.

Practicing the Spiritual

Disciplines to Strengthen
Your Attachment

H. Meditation (Silence)
1. Learning to listen to God, to discern that
still,
small voice that directs and comforts our
souls.
2. This should be practiced with prayer.
Praying first then listening. Be still and
know that I am God.