Chapter 10

Attraction and Intimacy

Sa tuwing kamiy magkasama, akoy natutuwa

Pagkat sa kanyang mga mata, akoy sumusuko
- True Faith, Awit Para sa Kanya, The Best of True Faith 1993-2000
 Introduction
Our lifelong dependence on one another puts relationships at the core of our
existence. In your beginning, there very likely was an attractionthe attraction
between a particular man and a particular woman. Aristotle called humans the
social animal. Indeed, we have what todays social psychologists call a need to
belong, a motivation to bond with others in relationships that provide ongoing,
positive interactions.
- Our need to belong motivates our investment in being continuously connected,
especially if it is balanced with two other human needs to feel autonomy and
competence and the typical result is a deep sense of well-being1
- thwarting the need to belong intensifies it; satisfying the need reduces the motivation2
- ostracism, which are acts of excluding or ignoring, can have negative effects when
humans react to it3
1Deci& Ryan, 2002; Milyavskaya et al., 2009; Sheldon & Niemiec, 2006; 2DeWall & others, 2009, 2011; 3Baumeister et al., 2009; Blackhart et al., 2009;
Gerber & Wheeler, 2009a, 2009b
 What Leads to Friendship and Attraction?
Proximity
Proximity is defined as geographical nearness. Proximity (more precisely,
functional distance) powerfully predicts liking.
- people who frequently interact due to functional distance are often more likely to
become friends, and more than often may like each other1.
- anticipatory liking, expecting that someone will be pleasant and compatible, may
increase the chance of forming a rewarding relationship2.
- the mere exposure effect, the tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more
positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them, allows people to like
things when being shown repetitively. It is a hardwired phenomenon that predisposes
our attractions and attachments but it can also make us wary about unfamiliar things3.

1Newcomb, 1961; Arkin & Burger, 1980; 2Klein & Kunda, 1992; Knight & Vallacher, 1981; Miller & Marks, 1982; 3Hoorens & Nuttin, 1993; Hoorens & others,
1990; Kitayama & Karasawa, 1997; Nuttin, 1987; Bar-Haim et al., 2006; Kelly et al., 2005, 2007
 What Leads to Friendship and Attraction?
Physical Attractiveness
The belief that looks are unimportant may be another instance of how we deny
real influences upon us, for there is now a file cabinet full of research studies
showing that appearance matters. The consistency and pervasiveness of this
effect is astonishing. Good looks are an asset.
- the attractiveness is often linked to success at dating and getting a date!1
- men and women tend to choose as partners those who are a good match in
attractiveness and other traits. We call this as the matching phenomenon.
- They seek out someone who seems desirable, but they are mindful of the limits of their
own desirability
- if there is inequality in attractiveness, the less attractive person often has compensating
qualities like wealth and status2.

1Berscheidet al., 1971; Krebs & Adinolfi, 1975; Reis et al., 1980, 1982; Walster et al., 1966; 2Cicerello & Sheehan, 1995; Hitsch et al., 2006; Koestner &
Wheeler, 1988; Rajecki et al., 1991
 What Leads to Friendship and Attraction?
Physical Attractiveness
Who (or what is) attractive? Strictly speaking, attractiveness is whatever the
people of any given place and time find attractive. This, of course, varies.
- several research suggests that, to be perfectly
attractive, is to regress to average looks and
perfect symmetry of ones face1.
- evolutionary psychologists suggest that it is
desirable to look for partners that signify an
ability to provide and protect resources, health,
& vigor (for males) and characteristics that
signify reproductive capacity and peak sexual
fertility (for females)2.
- people also use comparisons as a basis for their
attraction including their own attractiveness3.

1Rhodes, 2006; Sorokowski et al., 2011; Brown et al., 2008; Gangestad & Thornhill, 1997; 2Karremans et al., 2010; Perilloux et al., 2010; Platek & Singh,
2010; Singh, 1993, 1995; Frederick & Haselton, 2007; 3Kenrick et al., 1989; Brown et al., 1992; Thornton & Maurice, 1997.
 What Leads to Friendship and Attraction?
Similarity VS Complementarity
Besides physical traits, given time, other factors influence whether acquaintance
develops into friendship.
- several research suggests that the more similar someones attitudes are to your own,
the more you will like the person. Likeness produces liking not only for college students
but also for children and the elderly, for people of various occupations, and for those in
various cultures1.
- the opposite is also true: dissimilar attitudes depress liking more than similar attitudes
enhance it2.
- Complementarity is a popular supposed tendency, in a relationship between two
people, for each to complete what is missing in the other. Current research in this
popular notion is inconclusive but hopeful3.

1Byrne et al., 1971; Newcomb, 1961; Lee& Bond, 1996; Mackinnon et al., 2011; 2 Singh & Ho, 2000; Singh & Teob, 1999; Anderson & others, 2003; Davis &
Rusbult, 2001; 3 Locke & Horowitz, 1990; Rosenblatt & Greenberg, 1988, 1991; Wenzlaff & Prohaska, 1989; Jacoby, 1986.
 What Leads to Friendship and Attraction?
Liking Those Who Like Us
Liking is usually mutual. Proximity and attractiveness influence our initial
attraction to someone, and similarity influences longer term attraction as well. If
we have a deep need to belong and to feel liked and accepted, would we not
also take a liking to those who like us?
- ingratiation is the use of strategies, such as flattery, by which people seek to gain
anothers favor. People flatter others to like them and may attribute as such to gain
favour from them1.
- People whose self-esteem had been temporarily shattered would be presumably
hungry for social approval. This helps explain why people sometimes fall passionately in
love on the rebound, after an ego-bruising rejection2
- Research suggests that approval from others can be powerful but may lose its power
over time. Thus, it is suggested that the best relationship is one that offers esteem and
acceptance yet honest with each other3.

1Shrauger, 1975; Coleman et al., 1987; Gordon, 1996; Jones, 1964; 2Research by Elaine Hatfield, as cited by Walster, 1965; 3 Aronson & Mettee, 1974; Clore
et al., 1975; Aronson, 1988; Murray & Holmes, 1997; Murray et al., 1996a, 1996b.
 What Leads to Friendship and Attraction?
Relationship Rewards
According to the reward theory of attraction, we like people whose behavior we
find rewarding, or whom we associate with rewarding events. The reward
theory also helps explain some of the influences on attraction1:
- Proximity is rewarding. It costs less time and effort to receive friendships benefits with
someone who lives or works close by
- We like attractive people because we perceive that they offer other desirable traits and
because we benefit by associating with them
- If others have similar opinions, we feel rewarded because we presume that they like us
in return. Moreover, those who share our views help validate them. We especially like
people if we have successfully converted them to.
- We like to be liked and love to be loved. Thus, liking is usually mutual. We like those
who like us.

1Fletcher & others, 1999; Regan, 1998; Wojciszke & others, 1998.
What is Love?
Loving is more complex than liking and thus more difficult to measure, more
perplexing to study. People yearn for it, live for it, die for it.

Most research focused on responses during brief encounters between strangers,

since it is easier to study. The influences on our initial liking of another -
proximity, attractiveness, similarity, being liked, and other rewarding traits - also
influence our long-term, close relationships.

So first impressions are important. Nevertheless, long-term loving is not merely

an intensification of initial liking. Social psychologists therefore study enduring,
close relationships.
 What is Love?
Passionate Love
Passionate love is a state of intense longing for union with another. Passionate
lovers are absorbed in each other, feel ecstatic at attaining their partners love,
and are disconsolate on losing it.
- it is emotional, exciting, intense. It is what you feel when you not only love someone but
also are in love with him or her.
- the two-factor theory of emotion, being aroused by any source should intensify
passionate feelings (provided that the mind is free to attribute some of the arousal to a
romantic stimulus), suggests that passionate love is the psychological experience of
being biologically aroused by someone we find attractive1.
- Several research suggests that men are more likely to fall in love more readily2, fall out
of love more slowly, and are often first to say I love you3.
- women are more likely to focus on the intimacy of the friendship and on their concern
for their partner. Men are more likely to think about the playful and physical aspects of
the relationship4.
1Carducciet al., 1978; Dermer & Pyszczynski, 1978; Stephan et al., 1971; 2Ackerman & others, 2011; Dion & Dion, 1985; 3Ackerman et al., 2011; 4Hendrick
& Hendrick, 1995.
 Robert Sternbergs
(1988) Conception of
Kinds of Loving as
Combinations of
Three Basic
Components of Love
MRI scans from young adults
intensely in love revealed areas,
such as the caudate nucleus, that
became more active when gazing at
the loved-ones photo (but not
when gazing at the photo of
another acquaintance).
 What is Love?
Companionate Love
Companionate love is the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply
intertwined. Compared to passionate love, companionate love can last a lifetime1.
- physiologically speaking, the passion-facilitating hormones (testosterone, dopamine,
adrenaline) subside from 6 months to 2 years. Meanwhile, after the 2 year period and the
couple are still together, the hormone oxytocin supports feelings of attachment and trust2.
- Unlike the wild emotions of passionate love, companionate love is lower key; its a deep,
affectionate attachment3.
- The cooling of intense romantic love often triggers a period of disillusion, especially among
those who believe that romantic love is essential both for a marriage and for its continuation.
Compared with North Americans, Asians tend to focus less on personal feelings and more on
the practical aspects of social attachments4.
- The cooling of passionate love over time highlights the growing importance of other factors,
such as shared values5.

1may forever, gais! sir Rain; 2Taylor et al., 2010; 3Aron et al., 2005; 4Dion & Dion, 1988; Sprecher & Toro-Morn, 2002; Sprecher et al., 1994; 5Myers et al,
2005; Thakar & Epstein, 2011; Yelsma & Athappilly, 1988.
 What Enables Close Relationships?
Attachment
Passionate love is not just for lovers. The intense love of parent and infant for
each other qualifies as a form of passionate love, even to the point of engaging
brain areas akin to those enabling passionate romantic love. Research suggests
that that year-old infants, like young adult lovers, welcome physical affection,
feel distress when separated, express intense affection when reunited, and take
great pleasure in the significant others attention and approval1.

This points to a notion that love is a biological imperative, and that attachment
between parent and child, while possessing similar characteristics with
passionate love, may have genetic predispositions2.

1Shaver & Mikulincer, 2011; 2Donaldson & Young, 2008; Young, 2009; Walum et al., 2008; Davis, 1985; Maxwell, 1985; Sternberg & Grajek, 1984.
 What Enables Close Relationships?
Attachment - Styles
Approximately 7 in 10 infants, and nearly that many adults, exhibit secure
attachment, which is rooted in trust and marked by intimacy.
- When placed as infants in a strange situation, they play comfortably in their mothers
presence, happily exploring this strange environment. If she leaves, they become
distressed; when she returns, they run to her, hold her, then relax and return to
exploring and playing1.
- This trusting attachment style, many researchers believe, forms a working model of
intimacya blueprint for ones adult intimate relationships, in which underlying trust
sustains relationships through times of conflict2
- Secure adults find it easy to get close to others and dont fret about getting too
dependent or being abandoned. As lovers, they enjoy sexuality within the context of a
secure, committed relationship. And their relationships tend to be satisfying and
enduring3

1Ainsworth, 1973, 1979; 2Miller & Rempel, 2004; Oria & others, 2011; Salvatore et al., 2011; 3Feeney, 1996; Feeney & Noller, 1990; Simpson et al., 1992.
 What Enables Close Relationships?
Attachment - Styles
Approximately 2 in 10 infants and adults exhibit avoidant attachment, which is
marked by discomfort over, or resistance to, being close to others.
- although internally aroused, avoidant infants reveal little distress during separation, or
clinging upon reunion.
- avoidant adults tend to be less invested in relationships and more likely to leave them.
- researchers note that avoidant individuals may be either fearful (I am uncomfortable
getting close to others) or dismissing (It is very important to me to feel independent
and self-sufficient)1

1Horowitz and Bartholomew, 1991.

 What Enables Close Relationships?
Attachment - Styles
Approximately 1 in 10 infants and adults exhibit insecure attachment, which is
marked by anxiety or ambivalence.
- In the strange situation, infants are more likely to cling anxiously to their mother. If she
leaves, they cry; when she returns, they may be indifferent or hostile.
- As adults, insecure individuals are less trusting, more fretful of a partners becoming
interested in someone else, and therefore more possessive and jealous
- They may break up repeatedly with the same person. When discussing conflicts, they
get emotional and often angry1

1Cassidy, 2000; Simpson et al., 1996.

 What Enables Close Relationships?
Attachment - Styles
The three attachment styles may be attributed to parental responsiveness, since
early attachment experiences form the basis of internal working models or
characteristic ways of thinking about relationships1.
- sensitive, responsive mothers, those who engender a sense of basic trust in the worlds
reliability, typically have securely attached infants2
- youths who have experienced nurturing and involved parenting tend later to have warm
and supportive relationships with their romantic partners3
Other researchers believe attachment styles may reflect inherited
temperament4.
For better or for worse, early attachment styles do seem to lay a foundation for
future relationships.
1Schmitt et al., 2004; Hazan, 2004; 2Ainsworth, 1979; Erikson, 1963; Besser & Priel, 2005; 3Conger et al., 2000; 4Gillath et al., 2008; Harris, 1998; Caldwell et
al., 2008; Walum et al., 2008.
 What Enables Close Relationships?
Equity
Researchers tend to note that society encourages relationships to follow an
equity principle of attraction, a condition in which the outcomes people receive
from a relationship are proportional to what they contribute to it1.
- If two people receive equal outcomes, they should contribute equally; otherwise one or
the other will feel it is unfair. If both feel their outcomes correspond to the assets and
efforts each contributes, then both perceive equity
- Those in long-term relationships are not concerned with short term equity, are
uncalculating about exchanges, and has a voluntary, positive behavior towards others
(which can be attributed to love)2. Similarly, happily married people tend not to keep
score of how much they are giving and getting3.

1Hatfield et al., 1978; Berg, 1984; 2Clark & Mills, 1979, 1993; Clark, 1984, 1986; 3Buunk & Van Yperen, 1991; Clark et al., 2010;
 What Enables Close Relationships?
Equity
The opposite is also true: people who feel that they are in an inequitable
relationship tend to feel discomfort.
- The one who has the better deal may
feel guilty and the one who senses a raw
deal may feel strong irritation.
- Among marriages, those who perceived
inequity also felt more distressed and
depressed1
- research also reports that not only
perceived inequity triggers marital
distress, marital distress exacerbates the
perception of unfairness2

1Feeney et al., 1994; Schafer & Keith, 1980; 2Grote & Clark, 2001.
 What Enables Close Relationships?
Self Disclosure
In a good marriage or close relationship, self disclosure is present wherein they
reveal intimate aspects of themselves to others.
- people often feel pleased when others trust them and open up to them1
- We also tend to like those who disclose to us, and we tend to disclose to whom we like2
- Lacking opportunities for intimate disclosure or concealing distressing information, we
experience the pain of loneliness3
- Intimate self-disclosure is also one of companionate loves delights. The most self-
revealing dating and married couples tend to enjoy the most satisfying and enduring
relationships4
- Research suggests that women are often more willing to disclose their fears and
weaknesses5. Men are also willing to disclose intimately, if they possess egalitarian
gender-role attitudes6

1Archer& Cook, 1986; D. Taylor et al., 1981; 2Collins & Miller, 1994; 3Berg & Peplau, 1982; Solano et al., 1982; Uysal et al., 2010; 4Berg & McQuinn, 1986;
Hendrick et al., 1988; Sprecher, 1987; 5Cunningham, 1981; Thelwall, 2008; 6Aron & Aron, 1994.
The essence of love - two
selves connecting, disclosing,
and identifying with each
other; two selves, each
retaining their individuality, yet
sharing activities, delighting in
similarities, and mutually
supporting. The result for
many romantic partners is
selfother integration:
intertwined self-concepts.
 How Do Relationships End?
On Divorce
Often love does not endure. As divorce rates rose in the twentieth century,
researchers discerned predictors of marital dissolution. One predictor is an
individualistic culture that values feelings over commitment; other factors
include the couples age, education, values, and similarity.
- those who enter relationships with a long-term orientation and an intention to persist
do experience healthier, less turbulent, and more durable partnerships1
- Risk of divorce also depends on who marries whom2. People usually stay married if they
married after age 20, both grew up in stable, two-parent homes, dated for a long while
before marriage, well and similarly educated, enjoy a stable income, did not cohabit or
become pregnant before marriage, religiously committed, and are of similar age, faith,
and education.
- None of those predictors, by itself, is essential to a stable marriage. Moreover, they are
correlates of enduring marriages, not necessarily causes.

1Archer & Cook, 1986; D. Taylor et al., 1981; 2Fergusson & others, 1984; Myers, 2000a; Tzeng, 1992; .
 How Do Relationships End?
The Detachment Process
Researchers are also identifying the process through which couples either
detach or rebuild their relationships. And they are identifying the positive and
nondefensive communication styles that mark healthy, stable marriages.
- Among dating couples, the closer and longer the relationship and the fewer the
available alternatives, the more painful the breakup1. Deep and long-standing
attachments seldom break quickly. Detaching is a process, not an event.
- Surprisingly, researchers report that, months or years later, people recall more pain over
spurning someones love than over having been spurned.
- Their distress arises from guilt over hurting someone, from upset over the heartbroken
lovers persistence, or from uncertainty over how to respond
- Married couples have more to lose (ex. shocked parents and friends, guilt over broken
vows, possible restricted parental rights)

1
Simpson, 1987; 2Collins & Miller, 1994; 3Berg & Peplau, 1982; Solano et al., 1982; Uysal et al., 2010; 4Berg & McQuinn, 1986; Hendrick et al., 1988;
Sprecher, 1987; 5Cunningham, 1981; Thelwall, 2008; 6Aron & Aron, 1994.
 How Do Relationships End?
The Detachment Process
When relationships suffer, those without better alternatives or who feel
invested in a relationship (through time, energy, mutual friends, possessions,
and perhaps children) will seek alternatives to exiting the relationship1.
- Some people exhibit loyalty, by waiting for conditions to improve. The problems are too
painful to confront and the risks of separation are too great, so the loyal partner
perseveres, hoping the good old days will return
- Others, especially men, exhibit neglect; they ignore the partner and allow the
relationship to deteriorate. With painful dissatisfactions ignored, an insidious emotional
uncoupling ensues as the partners talk less and begin redefining their lives without each
other
- others will voice their concerns and take active steps to improve the relationship by
discussing problems, seeking advice, and attempting to change

1
Rusbult et al., 1986, 1987, 1998.
Three ways of coping with a failing relationship
 How Do Relationships End?
The Detachment Process
115 studies of 45,000 couplesreveal that unhappy couples disagree, command,
criticize, and put down. Happy couples more often agree, approve, assent, and laugh1.
- research suggests that healthy marriages were not necessarily devoid of conflict. Rather, they
were marked by an ability to reconcile differences and to overbalance criticism with affection2.
- In successful marriages, positive interactions (smiling, touching, complimenting, laughing)
outnumbered negative interactions (sarcasm, disapproval, insults) by at least a 5 to 1 ratio
- according to research, distress and arguments dont predict divorce, add Ted Huston and
colleagues (2001) from their following of newlyweds through time. (Most newlyweds
experience conflict.) Rather, its coldness, disillusionment, and hopelessness that predict a dim
marital future3
- research suggests that by acting what happy couples do (ex. intimate eye gazing), affection may
occur, conflict may lessen, and unhappy relationships might get better4.

1Karney & Bradbury, 1995; Noller & Fitzpatrick, 1990; 2Gottman, 1994, 1998, 2005; 3Huston et al., 2001; Swann et al., 2003, 2006; 4Markman et al., 1988;
Notarius & Markman, 1993; Yovetich & Rusbult, 1994; Kellerman et al., 1989; Sternberg, 1988.