10 things

you should
know
about
Aims of the Session
• Discuss the purposes of marriage
• Discuss ten things you should know about marriage
• Five points specifically from the Qur‘an and Sunnah
• Five points from experience; which are indicative of the
lessons from the Qur‘an and Sunnah.
• Discuss ten principles of gender interaction
• Discuss the importance of respect in respect to gender
interactions
The foundation must be strong
a great person
with great character
will have a great marriage
 Marriage is highly
esteemed in Islam

Marriage is a sacred
covenant, not only
between husband and
wife, but with Allah.
“…They have taken from you a
‫غللي ظ‬
‫ظا‬ ‫كم لمميغثاظقا غ‬ ‫غوأ غ غ‬
‫خذذغن لمن ك‬
sacred covenant?” Surah An-Nisa,
4:21

Way of the
Prophets
The Sunnah of the
A sign of Allah “And We have already sent
messengers before you and Prophet
assigned to them wives and
descendants. And it was not
for a messenger to come
with a sign except by
permission of Allah.”
Surah Ar-Ra’d, 13:38
The story of ‘Umar (r) and Atiqa.
 Ibn Mas‘ud reported: The Prophet (ṣalAllāḥu
‘alayḥi wassallam) said:
“O young men, if you are able to
support a wife, then get married.
Verily, it restrains the eyes and
protects the private parts. Whoever
is not able to do so, then must fast
as it is a means of control.”
Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 1806, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1400
“Verily, it restrains the eyes and protects the private parts.” This applies to men and
women.
 Before marriage; when
choosing your partner
think selfishly; this is your
future. After marriage
think selflessly; be
generous, loving and
caring.
#1 The foundation to A successful
marriage is choosing your partner wisely
• Know the difference between love and lust.
• Istikharah and Istisharah are essential components of a lasting
marriage.
• Compatibility is important; both partners understanding the
purpose of marriage will aid them in overcoming the challenges
with come with marriage.
• If things don’t work out the first time; it means Allah (s) has
prepared someone better for you. Rejection is not a bad thing; it’s a
sign.
•  Look closely at the family they’re marrying into and understand
they will be your aid; support and make it your aim to be a source
of happiness for them.
 Understa
nd the
purpose
Understand, of
men and marriage The best
women are foundation of a
equal, but successful
appreciate the marriage is
role ‘priorities’ choosing your
play in partner wisely
marriage Laying
the
Framew
ork Good
Men have to character is
take one of greatest
responsibility factors which
as husbands leads to a
and fathers Love and successful
mercy are marriage
two
components
of a
successful
marriage
‫وهمنن آقياهتهه أ قنن قخل ققق‬ To attain sakīnah
“And among His Signs is this,
To raise a
family
‫كم هممنن قأنكفهسك كنم‬
that He created for you wives
‫لق ك‬ from among yourselves, that
you may find repose in them,
To start a family. It is tied with
the responsibility that a man

‫أ قنزقواججا له متقنسك ككنوا‬

and He has put between you must provide for his wife. The
affection and mercy. Verily, in responsibility of the wife is to
that are indeed signs for a take care of household, and
people who reflect.” Surah Ar-
‫كم‬‫هإل قينقها قوقجقعقل بقينن ق ك‬
educate the children.
Rum, 30:21

The Purposes of
‫مغمغومدغظة غوغرذحغمظة‬ Marriage To nurture
‫هإ مقن هفي قذلهقك قلآقياتت‬
To nurture the
importance of
education in the leadership
‫له مققنوتم يقتققفك مقكروقن‬ home
The family unit is focused on
The family unit in Islam is
different. Allah is holding us to a
higher standard. We have been
teaching, and learning. The created for one purpose – we are
aim is to be educated and the leaders of the people – we are
educate. The family unit is a people who have to be willing to
framework to raise, nurture give towards society. So, we have
to be stronger, and this begins by
and build a healthy society. protecting the family unit.
#2 Finances are important within a
marriage
• Understand the importance of managing your
finances and learn how to budget.
• Ibn Mas‘ud reported: The Prophet (ṣalAllāḥu ‘alayḥi
wassallam) said:“O young men, if you are able
to support a wife, then get married. Verily, it
restrains the eyes and protects the private
parts. Whoever is not able to do so, then
must fast as it is a means of control.” Ṣaḥīḥ al-
Bukhārī 1806, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1400.

• Use this as a motivation to achieve great results at University.

#3 Understand that marriage will not
be perfect, but it can be beautiful.
• Great character is pivotal in a happy marriage. Good
character is one the best weapons against Shaytan,
especially in marriage. You will go through challenges and
your responses will be defined by your character.
• “We do not see for those who love one another
anything like marriage.” Sunan Ibn Majah 1847.
• Dating, or how love is publicised in the movies just gives a
small insight into what marriage is; learning to love each
other, despite their flaws is a true reflection of love.
• Expect imperfection with marriage and within your partner;
be positive, proactive and learn to focus on your own growth.
#4 Marriage should empower you;
not disempower you.
• We have unhealthy narratives which exist
about marriage, men and women. Marriage
is a safe place for women to feel protected,
empowered and facilitate their goals.
• Marriage is a safe place for men to be open,
and express themselves comfortably.
• Couples should be a motivation for growth,
for each other.
 Nurturing the ideal spirit; in our homes, our
communities and society
The ideal spirit which we aspire to within our communities is one of mutual love and
respect for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). Allah (swt) describes
this relationship:

‫ت غبذعكضكهذم أ غذول لغياء غبذعضض يغأ ذكمكروغن‬ ‫غوال ذكمؤذلمكنوغن غوال ذكمؤذلمغنا ك‬
‫علن ال ذكمنك غلر غويكلقيكموغن ال مغصل غغة غويكؤذكتوغن‬ ‫ف غويغن ذغهذوغن غ‬‫لبال ذغمذعكرو ل‬
‫المزغغكاغة غويكلطيكعوغن الل مغه غوغركسول غكه أ كذوغلـئلغك غسيغذرغحكمكهكم الل مكه إل مغن‬
‫علزيزم غحلكيمم‬ ‫الل مغه غ‬
“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is
Marriage empowered and protected
“The best of you are the best to their families, and I
am the best to my family.”
Sunan At-Tirmidhi 3895, Sahih

“The most complete of the believers in faith are those

with the best character, and the best of you are the
best in behaviour to their women.”
Sunan At-Tirmidhi 1162, Grade: Sahih
women

“Live with them in kindness, for if you dislike them,

then perhaps you dislike something but Allah has
placed therein much good.”
Surah An-Nisa 4:19

‫إن مققما ال هن مقساكء قشققاهئكق الهمرقجاهل‬

“Verily, women are only the counterparts of men.”
Musnad Ahmad 25663
#5 Marriage need constant growth
and work.
• Marriage needs constant growth and work
to maintain it. If it is neglected, it will
deteriorate and left to long; sometimes
beyond repair.
• Love is an organism; it grows, but it can
become sick too. When it weakens; there is
a major sign of trouble!
#6 Marriage will not change someone or you.

• You have to learn to become your own

champion!
• Don’t expect someone to change after
marriage, nor get married to ‘cure’ your
problems. Your problems are your ‘issue’
not theirs. They can support you, but
cannot change you.
#7 In-laws; and how to deal with
them effectively.
• Respect, empathy and good character can help you
overcome these challenges.
• A lot of men makes mistakes becuase there is no one
to guide them. The best marriages are when the
husband does not takes sides with his wife or family
but follows Islam and treats each occurrence in an
individual basis.
• Couples need to be a team, and understand everyone
has a special place.
#8 Communication is essential.

• This begins by managing expectations before

marriage. Be honest with each about where you see
your life in ten years time. The lust will fade but life
goals may not change. You need to be on the same
page from the start.
• In marriage; discuss fears, conflicts and enjoy being
honest with each other.
• Express yourself! Positively. Thoughtfully. Kindly.
Don't expect your spouse to be a mind reader.
#9 Marriage needs constant growth
and work.
• One of the most important factors of having a successful
marriage is understand the important of self-development.
Always keep growing, especially for women after children.
• Marriage needs constant growth and work to maintain it. If it is
neglected, it will deteriorate and left to long; sometimes
beyond repair.
• Value one another and the efforts you both make to keep the
relationship going. If you don’t value each other for what you
both bring to the relationship then there will be a void, and
there is a danger of that appreciation being sought elsewhere.
 As Allah [swt] says in the
Qur’an, “Indeed, Allah will
not change the condition of
a people until they change
what is in themselves.”
Surah Ar-Ra’d, 13:11.
 Grow
• Invest in yourself: Need to invest in your self-development, and
prioritise in working on yourself prior to getting married, or within
the marriage. So, rather than blaming your spouse for the problems
which arise, introspect, and work on yourself, whilst they work on
themselves.
• Do it for the sake of Allah [swt]: When you seek to change,
change for the sake of Allah. Do not change for your spouse, nor to
seek appreciation or recognition. When you change purely for the
sake of Allah, then regardless of any appreciation, or recognition
you will constantly grow as a person. Whereas, a person who seeks
to please others will be disempowered and not grow.
#9 Men; do not let the conditioning of society
hinder your dedication to being a great husband
and father.

• Be involved…available and concerned

about their growth.
• Homes that eat together, prayer together,
go on holiday together…stay together.
#10 Divorce is hard work

• Whoever utters the talaq effortlessly will

regret for the rest of his life, because the
Fiqh of Talaq protects men, and women. It
is a way out, but there is a process
involved, because two great people may
just not be right for each other.
• The story of Mugith and Barira.
 If the first guideline is truly
achieved, the following nine
Be sincere become natural and easy to
in your achieve. 
interactions
Make your
interaction
purposeful
and
professional
Ten
Guidelines
of Gender
Keep it Interaction
public Cover
You are not your ‘awra 
totally secluded
with someone
of the opposite (nakedness)
gender

Lower your
gaze

Adapted from Sh. Muslema Purmel

 Do not
physically
touch one
another Respect
each-
other’s
personal
space and
comfort
Ten levels
Guidelines
of Gender
Interaction
Reputation Speak in a
must be decent
protected manner

Circumstan
ces are safe
Pre-order your copy
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