Divine Design

A Biblical Perspective on a
Cultural Phenomenon
 Disclaimer
• We are all broken and in need of a Savior
• There is NO CONDEMNATION!
• For never married, young people, we are
holding up the highest of standards, in order
for them to receive the greater blessing.
• Those who are older, have been in
relationships, or divorced can still use these
principles for another opportunity to do things
God’s way;
 Dating Defined

When two people spend significant time alone

together, in various activities, developing
personal intimacy, often in isolation and
exclusive from other relationships
 Broken World Cultural View
• The prevailing culture says:
– You need to date a lot of different people to find
out who you are supposed to be with
– Pre-marital sex is part of “self discovery” and
determining “compatibility” with another person
– If you get tired of a relationship - get out of it, and
find a new one (practicing divorce and re-
marriage)
– Extended adolescence - You need to wait until you
are “old enough”, educated, and financially
established to consider marriage
 The Church’s mandate
• “The Church” has traditionally been responsible
to hold up the highest standards for relationships,
marriage, and sexuality
• Holy Matrimony is one of 7 sacraments in
Catholicism
• This role has come under increasing attack by the
prevailing, sexually liberated culture
• The church can either: a.) capitulate to the
culture or b.) hold firm to the standards,
traditions, and morals which have been
foundational to society for at least 6000 years
 Pre-modernist Culture
• In most cultures prior to the 20th Century,
marriages were arranged by families, with the
father of the girl being the prime negotiator
• It was always considered “improper” for any
persons of the opposite gender to spend any
time together alone
• Supervised courtship and written
correspondence were the normal, prevailing
means for two people considering marriage to
get to know one another
 Age of Maturity
• In the pre-modern world, young women were
considered mature and marriageable as young
as 13-14. (physically able to bear children)
• In most cultures it was shameful (or at least
unusual) for women to remain unmarried
beyond 21
• Young men were normally prepared to marry
and support a family by 18-21, often taking
wives who were 5 -7 years younger
 20th Century (back in the 1900s )
Morality begins to shift from
Judeo/Christian to Cultural Humanism
• Women are no longer considered “property” to be
negotiated over by men – feminism vs patriarchy
• Technology advances – Telephone and television create
an acceleration of communication
• Industrial/technological revolution brings a major shift
away from rural/agrarian life
• Higher Education becomes more available and is
promoted to young people as the road to success,
delaying marriage for most
• Birth control gains wide acceptance, spawning the
sexual revolution of the 60s & 70s; women particularly
are given new choices concerning when to engage in
sex and with whom
“Dating” becomes the new normal
• Somewhere mid 20th century, unsupervised
couples’ dating gained acceptance (at least
among younger people)
• The telephone brought a new level of
intimacy, which before was available only in
writing
• Automobiles provided a quicker means of
transportation, which made “going out” alone
possible
 New levels of Intimacy –
A Serious Conflict
• Because of these rapid changes, young men and
women become much more emotionally
intimate, in much quicker time
– Today we see this has multiplied 100 fold (computers,
smart camera/video phones, texting, Facebook)
• Emotional intimacy inevitably leads to physical
intimacy
• Sexual liberalism has now permeated every area
of culture, especially visual media
• Lust in the souls of men and women, often leads
to accelerated, pre-mature sexual intimacy prior
to marriage (fornication)
Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem:
Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time
is ripe—and you’re ready. Song of Solomon 8:4 The Message

• Young people are able to become emotionally

and physically intimate at a much earlier and
accelerated rate – but are they ready?
• The Age of maturity and marriage
preparedness is growing much longer in the
21st century
• This leaves young people extremely vulnerable
to fornication for a much longer period of time
• Gen 2:18 “It is not good for man to be
alone…with a woman who is not his wife
(Robert’s version)
• 1 Cor 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let
every man have his own wife, and let every
woman have her own husband.
Having sex with anyone you aren’t married to, is
potentially someone else’s future spouse; you are
not only sinning against each other but those
unknown people too!
• Heb 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and
the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge
the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
How many previous partners might there be in your
marriage bed?
When fornication happens:
• Don’t be too quick to pass judgment: Let
those without sin cast the first stone…
• Seek repentance, healing, and restoration
rather than guilt, shame, and condemnation
– if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who
are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of
gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that
you too will not be tempted. Gal 6:1
• True repentance means a fresh start – another
chance to do things God’s way
 Should Christians Date?
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind. Rom 12:2

Possible outcomes to cultural dating:

– Temptation / Lust
– Fornication and it’s consequences: pregnancy,
disease, emotional brokeness
– Broken relationships
– Bad marriage - based on faulty foundation
 What’s a Christian family to do?
• How do we as Christians, and specifically as a
church, stand on God’s principles in the face of
such overwhelming cultural pressure?
– Teach children at very young age that ALL intimacy
should be reserved for family and marriage
– Make it very clear that “honoring father and mother”
are 1st requirement of any Godly relationship, and will
remain important even after marriage
– Remain steadfastly opposed to “dating”, where young
people are physically or even “technologically” alone
with each other, until they are seriously ready to
pursue marriage
 Be Counter Culture
Create an atmosphere that:
– Cultivates Character building rather than moral
“compliance”
– Encourages same gender friendships with like minded,
safe, proven, peers and mature mentors
– Emphasizes spiritual intimacy with God and a reliance
on Him for personal wholeness and self esteem,
rather than “needing” someone else to feel fulfilled
– Makes time for personal development, rather than
the distraction of an intimate relationship that may
not last
– Features a culture of marriage that emphasizes purity,
preparation, counsel, and family/church involvement
– Emphasizes the importance of the “Father’s blessing”
 Questions to Ask?
• Is the other person a follower of Jesus?
• Do they share the same moral and spiritual
values?
• Are their personalities, gifts, and strengths
complementary or in competition?
• Do both people show respect for their own
and the others’ parents?
• Take a look at the other’s parents’ marriage.
This will be at least a partial imprint for your
own.
 Best Practices (Boundaries)
• Never be alone with opposite sex
• Girl’s father spends time with boy
• Boy’s mother spends time with girl
– (In the case of older people, substitute pastors or mother
figures as surrogate parents if necessary)
• Both sets of parents in communication with each other
• All parents agree to relationship (can be messy in
blended families)
• Group outings, supervised by mature adults who share
values
• Spend time with people who demonstrate successful
marriage relationships
 So what if He/She is the one?
• Shorter engagements sometimes better
• The Father’s blessing (ideally both fathers)
• Involve the whole church/spiritual community
• Premarital relationship and financial counseling
• Maintain purity until wedding night by staying
surrounded by other close friends and family
• Ask God to sanctify your marriage bed,
regardless of previous experiences
 There is hope !
• God is ready to lead you into the right
relationship with the right person
• Seek first His kingdom…and all these things…
• PRAY! He will place His desires for you in your
heart, and will fulfill His purpose in your
relationships, for His Glory!